Original subtitles

- [Narrator] This programme contains flash boys,

fake boobs and one helluva bust up.

The tans you see might be fake

but the people are all real although some of

what they do has been set up purely for your entertainment.

Previously on The Only Way Is Essex.

- Men get better with age, woman get worse.

- That's why I'm dating a 25 year old.

- As my girlfriend,

it's important for me that you get on with my best friend.

- If I wanted Lucy, I could have her.

[upbeat music]

- Right, cooking lesson Joe.

- Yeah.

- You gotta learn how to cook

because the girls dig it sometimes as well.

- Sweet.

- You've gotta beat your meat Joey,

have you ever beat your meat before?

- Maybe.

- So, did you find any Mrs Essex

at the fashion show yesterday?

- No I didn't actually,

a few little things went on there didn't there,

like a few little dramas.

- I see Mario and Mark having words.

- Yeah I know, yeah.

- But, I dunno why Mark just run over

to Mario and said something 'cause I said stuff as well.

- Yeah I know, of course I mean--

- Do you know what I mean?

Why didn't he come over and put it on me instead

of just putting it on Mario?

- I don't know, you know what?

That's a good question.

I knew he was gonna say something

'cause you would, wouldn't ya?

Like he's obviously gonna be like a bit pissed off that--

- Yeah I actually would be pissed off,

I was actually waiting for him to come over to me to ask,

to say something but.

- You've had a bit of beef

with Mark in the past haven't you?

So--

- He beat me up in the boxing didn't he?

There's my dad out there.

He's always walking around aint he?

- Why's he got a big massive rope in his hand?

- It's to lead the horse, like horse rope init?

- Why's he got a horse rope?

- He's is taking Maria out again.

Weird though innit man?

- Are you embarrassed?

- Yeah I am embarrassed.

She's 25 years old, she's my age.

- So what you gonna do?

- There's nothing I can do is there?

Just get on with me life.

- It's only weird for you

but is he really gonna marry her?

I'm not being funny, this is out of order

but he probably--

- He'll fuck her and fuck her off probably.

- He's probably gonna have sex

with her and then say see ya later.

- Yeah.

- I really do think we need to calm down on going out,

we just literally, we non stop aren't we?

- I've hit rock bottom seriously, like--

- I think we should have like a nice night in,

like a girls night in, gossip, some wine.

- Watch a couple of films.

- Maybe we should invite a few of the girls?

Make it a sleep over.

Yeah we should.

- Hi girls.

- Hello Gem. - Hey Gem.

- Oh god, my fringe is driving me up the wall

and it's windy today.

- You look lovely today.

- It looks lovely.

- How you been?

- Me and Bill are just saying

how much partying we've been doing recently--

- I know, I know, mental. - It's mad, isn't it?

- We're gonna have a night in, why don't you join us.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- A night in.

- But the thing is, if I come it's so not gonna be quiet.

- Should we turn it into more of like a slumber party?

sleep over.

- Shall we invite a few of the girls?

- If we invite all the girls plus Harry,

we can't forget Harry.

- Would you mind if Maria came?

- Not at all, at the end of the day,

if she's gonna marry Mick now instead of me,

there's nothing I can do about it.

Do you know what I mean?

When Lauren said to me I was in total shock.

I didn't want to like cry there and then,

but you know when like--

- It's like that gut feeling isn't it?

- Just, I felt like, oh my god about it.

Like Mick always says oh, you know,

I never show my feelings,

I'm like a bit of a non feeling person.

- He's a bit cold isn't he like?

That's what I mean, I'd never have thought he'd fancy her.

- But she is quite cold.

- Yeah

- I'm not being funny, she's like you know--

- The ice queen.

- Yeah, I've never seen an expression on Maria's face.

- Yeah but I think that might be down to the Botox.

- Do you think?

- Morning.

- Morning.

How you doing?

- Right, that's that done.

- What's going on?

- I'm teaching Joey how to cook.

- Have you learnt?

Do you know what to do?

- Yeah a little bit, I know how to marinade food now.

- How was last night?

Was it alright?

- Oh my god mate, was there arse and tits everywhere,

I loved it.

- There was a bird that looked proper Reem.

- That one I said?

- Yeah, the one in the blue and purple?

- Why weren't you there?

- I went out to dinner with Maria.

- Oh, nice, whoo.

- Yeah, it was good.

- I bet it was.

- Yeah.

- I don't wanna talk about it.

- That's alright.

- Good.

I'm not talking about it,

I'm just telling you we went out to dinner.

- You went, it's good.

I'm not interested in it, I'm happy for you, whoo.

- Alright there, that's good.

- No brilliant, yeah.

- I'm happy for myself,

I sent her some flowers this morning to say thank you.

- You haven't?

Why'd you send her flowers?

- To say thanks for a good evening, 'cause I'm a gentleman.

- Thanks for a good evening?

Why?

Did she pay for it?

- Did she pay for it?

- Yeah.

- No I paid for it.

- So was it a good evening?

- She actually wanted to pay for it.

- Bollocks, she probably said she wanted to pay for it,

but she really wouldn't of.

- I had to fight her over it.

- Bollocks.

- Don't keep swearing.

I didn't bring you up to swear like that did I?

Hey, we've got a young man here,

he doesn't want to hear you swearing like that.

- That's right.

That's true.

- But I'm a kid, I am allowed to be a little bit rebellious.

- You're not really a kid are you?

Flying around in a Ferrari,

it's not really a kids toy, is it?

- I worked hard for it, didn't I?

- Yeah.

[upbeat music]

- Did you kiss him?

- No.

- Oh gosh, boring.

- No, he's a gentlemen isn't he like?

- Yeah.

- He sent me flowers this morning.

- No way. - No way.

- Yeah, when I woke up there was like a knock on the door

I was like oh God,

there was just a little card saying thanks for a nice night,

hope to see you soon, Mick.

- So he's an old romantic then.

- Yeah.

- He is and it's nice to kind of,

obviously I'm just still unsure

'cause of the age but he's really nice.

- You like?

- Your face as you said that.

- Isn't it a bit awkward yesterday though

'cause Gemma asked where you were.

- She stays up the--

- No--

- Well apparently she didn't mean to.

- She's not been in a relationship with him and

as far as I was concerned she was over him so--

- I think she's over him,

she's just more upset that you'd hadn't said

to her like given her a heads up.

- She's clearly still got feelings for him then.

- Yeah.

- God.

- Just speak to her, she'll be all right.

- I'm sure.

- Hope so.

[phone ringing]

- Hello?

- Hi Lauren, it's Sam.

- Hello, how are you?

- What was I gonna say?

It's a little bit cheesy but me and Billi

were thinking about having like a girly sleep over.

- Ah yeah, that's such a good idea.

- Who you with now?

- I'm with Maria and Lauren.

- Yeah bring them, definitely, the more the merrier.

- Okay wicked, sounds good.

- Okay then, see you later, bye.

- Bye.

- Come on.

One. - One.

- Good.

Careful of those things Gemma you're gonna

give me a black eye with those.

- Come one, five, come on Arg!

- No pain no gain, come on Arg.

No I'm doing it because I've got three stone

to lose between now and Christmas.

I've had enough of that can we do something else?

- I'm more interested about the twin question,

like it fascinates me a bit.

So have you two ever done the stuff,

you know like, have you both dated the same girl,

have you both pretended to be the same person

and you take it in turns to go and see her stuff like that?

- That time when you was out in the club.

- I was dancing away and this birds come up to me,

didn't know who it was, why haven't you been calling me?

You've mugged me right off and I was like who's this?

- You've never met her?

- No, and obviously it was his handy work.

- The thing is though if you look at you,

like I can tell little differences,

so like you're the more like sensitive one out

of the two would you say?

Or you're like the hard one and he's the soft one?

- I think I'm a little bit more serious.

- I think I tend to, I'm a bit more outspoken

so I won't think about things before i say it and he has

to usually reign me in,

give me a little nudge and like say why you saying that?

You know.

- So you've got verbal diarrhoea

and you're sweet and sensitive.

- He's definitely not sweet.

- But you look proper fit in your boxers.

- Ah cheers.

- And I was observing the package.

[laughing]

This is what I wanna know and don't

be embarrassed about this,

have you seriously looked at each others dicks?

[laughing]

- What I noticed about Kirk, I've known him for so long.

To me, he's a nice kid and I'll get on with him,

he's funny, he seems like he's got a heart of gold but then,

all I ever hear is ah Kirk said this about you,

Kirk said that about you and now he's done it

with Mario and what annoyed me about the Mario thing is--

- Yeah, yeah. - Talking to Kirk,

Marks a womaniser and you can't trust him around your girl.

In all honesty what it is,

he's threatened by me because he obviously don't trust Lucy.

- What's Kirk problem though?

Why is he feeling the need to do that?

- Maybe he knows that I've been with Lauren [murmurs] past.

- I don't think it would be that, I don't know I just don't.

- Maybe it's something to do with the boxing,

because once you've been beat up

by someone you find it hard to like them again I suppose.

I'm debating just asking Kirk for a meet.

- I don't know, well you always go [murmurs]

so maybe you should just sort it out with him.

- Here you go, black coffee.

So what was all that at the end of the night with Mark?

- Obviously, as you know, Kirk hates Mark.

And then Arg overheard and told Mark obviously

because they are best mates, which I respect.

And obviously Mark got a little bit uptight

and took it a little bit seriously and to heart.

- Do you know what Arg told Mark?

- Haven't a clue.

- You haven't got a problem with Arg, have you?

- Not at all, I love Arg, I think he's awesome.

- Because I'm friends with Lyd and stuff,

so I was hoping that we could go out, like as a four.

- Mmm, definitely.

- Just a restaurant or a drink or,

what do you think?

- Sounds good to me.

- Yeah?

- Yeah, it'll be nice.

- Let's hope Mark doesn't mind,

actually do you know what?

I don't even care.

- Well, you've got to understand you know,

Arg can be friends with who he wants to be friends with,

but at the same time, Mark's obviously lost you,

lost Sam, lost Lauren and if he thinks he's gonna lose Arg

as well, you know, he might take that to heart as well.

- He's really gonna hate you then.

- Everything that I seem to do he sort step outta line,

he gets upset and gets uptight about, so.

- I don't want anymore chats with you two though.

I've had enough.

- Oh, that's not going to happen.

- I can't take it anymore more, my heart was like,

the other night when you was talking my heart

was going and I thought what are they talking about.

- Nothing's ever gonna happen, at the end of the day,

I think you know, I've got you now,

so that's it with that one.

He can say and do as he pleases, but you're happy right?

- course I am.

[upbeat music]

- Come in.

What's happening son?

- You alright, Mark?

- How you doing?

- Good to see you, mate.

- Good to see you too.

- I'm gonna cut straight to the point.

I was gonna just do it and hopefully you wouldn't find out

and not tell you, but you know,

we tell each other everything, yeah?

- Yeah.

- Yeah right, basically, I got a text from Lydia,

she's text me saying, "Hi Arg, spoken to Lucy,

we've arranged for me, Lucy, me and Mario

to go for drinks tonight.

I just thought, you know, it's not much of a big deal,

it's gonna be one quick, a few drinks

and that's the end of it, I won't have to do it again.

But I thought I should probably, you know, let you know.

- Do you think that's good?

Do you think that's right?

- Well I dunno Mark, it's not that bad is it?

He's never done anything to you, has he really?

- Listen, I've met Mario twice in my life,

once he shook my hand like a gentleman,

walked away like a bitch and bitched

about me behind my back.

You know that because you're the one that told me it.

But a few nights later you're going out

for a drink with him.

Oh yeah no, that's perfect, go on, away you go.

Do you think I would do that?

See if a boy was bitching about you,

even saying Arg is this, Arg is that,

you think I would, number one I'd go mad at him,

number two, I one million percent

wouldn't be in his company, let alone put myself out,

get dressed up like the penguin again

and go out for a drink with him.

- Look Mark, I'm not going there for Mario,

I'm not going there to become his friend

or really chat to him that much, I'm more going just

to sort of keep Lydia happy and just get it over.

It's a few drinks.

- If you wanna keep Lydia happy,

if you want to keep Lydia happy, grow some bollocks,

wear some trousers and tell her to fuck off.

- You know what Mark?

I'm sick of trying to keep you happy,

I'm sick of keeping Lydia happy,

I'm just gonna go to--

- Go on then, have a good night--

- I don't care.

- have a good night and say hello for me yeah?

Idiot.

- So looking forward to tonight,

girls are going to love the food.

- Of course.

- We've got fake lips.

- Fake boobs.

- Enough for everybody.

- I'm looking forward to getting the gossip

on everyone's love life.

- Me too.

- I want that one.

- No experience.

- Girls and boys, first question of our girlie sleepover,

what's the romantic thing a guy's ever done for you?

- Oh dear, 10 years.

- I don't think they're that romantic anymore.

- No, they are not.

- I remember one Valentines I came home

and there was a massive bouquet

of flowers like literally as big as me in,

and there was like a massive [murmurs]

and teddy and chocolates.

- We need the old fashioned men like they used to be.

- Maria you've had a bit of a romantic moment,

because you've got an older man.

- Share the moment.

- I've got an older man you see, it's the way forward.

I got sent a lovely bunch of flowers.

- Ahh.

[upbeat music]

- Cheers

- Cheers.

- That was horrible.

Well that one went much better.

- Did you do two?

- Do I smell?

- No why?

- Can you come and sit next to me please?

Look at them all cute and--

- Not really, we've got our space.

- Yeah because they're in their honeymoon period.

It just becomes like routine, don't it?

After a while.

- Yeah standard.

- Boring.

- What you talking about?

I'm never boring.

- I need a new man, a new [murmurs],

no I'm joking, okay don't kiss me.

- Oh.

Oh, here we go.

- Champagne!

Who got this this?

- I did.

- You did?

- Yeah.

- Mario, really?

- Yeah. - Oh, thanks

- You smooth operator.

- That's how I roll.

- I was gonna say, I hope I don't have to pay for the booze.

- I've got something I need to tell Lucy.

- What in private, do want us to go?

- No, no, I'll tell you all, you're all here,

so, I've been looking at apartments this week,

and I found this really nice one in Kentish park.

I viewed it twice, and I have bought an apartment.

[Screaming]

- Congratulations.

- Cheers.

And there's another thing as well,

I know it's a big step,

but would you wanna move in with me as well?

- Aww guys, that's so cute.

- Yeah?

- Yeah!

- Yeah?

- Yeah!

- Are you sure?

- Yeah.

- Shall we have a toast yeah?

- Cheers.

- Who's doing the toast to--

- To Mario and Lucy

- Our flat, our apartment, our apartment.

- Congratulations guys.

- All the paperwork's been signed.

- Are you sure?

- You don't think it's too soon?

- We see each other everyday anyway.

So I figured it feels right.

- At least it means your mum doesn't walk in on us anymore.

- Actually we can probably relate.

- With Debbie?

Did Debbie walk in?

- Debbie kinda walked in.

She didn't walk in on Lydia.

- No, I was sitting there--

- She walked in on me, playing with myself.

[laughing]

- No it never happened like that!

I was sitting there on the phone,

like we were on my bed.

And Arg must have been just sitting

there like playing with it.

[Screaming] [laughing]

She came in and she saw him fondling and she went James,

and I looked around and was like oh my god,

and he was still doing it.

- Yeah, I didn't know until afterwards.

- And I went James, and I screamed at him,

and then all of a sudden he went ooh.

- Ah don't, I was petrified.

The last thing you know,

when you have a little fondle

you don't wanna really see Debbie coming up in front

of ya do ya?

- Are you alright?

- I'm gasping for a drink, are you?

- Yep.

- I'm glad I've seen you.

Away from the others.

Like obviously, you know, we are friends,

I really like you, I haven't got,

Do you know what I mean?

we've always had a laugh together and that.

I'm just like a bit wounded that you're going out with Mick.

But not because, I don't hate you because of it,

and I don't hate Mick.

I'm just trying to get to the bottom of it,

do you know what I mean?

And like, I don't know,

I just wouldn't put you and Mick together, Maria.

- No, me neither.

- Did it happen naturally?

- Well no, because you put us together at the party.

- Yeah, but I put you together

because I thought you're two single,

you'd just be like friends,

I didn't think you'd actually fall in love.

- Well, me too.

I'm not in love with him.

I don't fall in love that easily.

I've gotta know someone.

I'm very much, I'm a closed book when it comes to men.

I don't just go out with anyone.

- I wish you all the best Maria I swear to you,

I really want, if,

because you deserve happiness as well,

and it's just not my time yet.

- I don't know.

Alright, well I don't want you to be upset

Or if there are any issues, just tell me.

Because I'd rather think about your feelings

and about feelings that might happen or might not.

So.

- The thing is though if you really loved him,

don't you think they'd be there now?

- You don't fall in love with someone instantly.

- I do.

- I like him, I fancy him, I like him,

and I smile when I see him, and that's enough for me.

- Well that's enough for me as well.

Have good night and I'll see you upstairs in a bit,

alright, love you babe.

- Bye.

[upbeat music]

- Feels good to be out for a nice beverage.

- I know.

- Cheers.

- Cheers.

- It feels weird actually,

I've never been out me and you in a club.

Don't get me wrong I love you being out

with me but the reason why you're out for a drink

with me is probably because me wing man, Arg.

- Where is he?

- Mate, he came in my flat earlier and he was like,

Mark I'm going out with Mario tonight.

- What?

- Lucy and Lydia and was like,

I aint gonna stop him doing it

but do you think that's right?

The fact that he knows--

- It's weird because Lydia's like made him

because Lydia's really good friends with Lucy--

- Actually she over powers him and tries

to make it out like she wears the trousers every time

and bullies him that's probably why as well.

- Well yeah but I suppose it's hard for him,

you know what Arg's like,

he's not the most toughest character in the world.

- He knows what Mario done was bad

and a few days later he's going for a drink--

- Yeah, I don't think I would do that actually.

- That's bang out of order.

- No that is out of order.

- I'm so glad we've done this.

We never go on double dates.

- No.

- So obviously we never went with Mark and Lauren

because I don't like Mark.

Like this is good.

- You never went on double dates with Mark and Lauren?

- No, obviously I love Lauren

but I didn't get on with Mark so it was just awkward.

- Him and Mark had a conversation.

Remember?

- What'd you talk about?

- Lets just say that me and Kirk had a bit

of boy banter in the shop.

Nothing malicious, but you obviously told him.

- Yeah.

- And then obviously he come and spoke to me about it.

- You know, I wasn't doing it with intent

for him to have like a row with you

or anything like that, it was more just sort of you know,

you have to,

you've gotta tell your best mates everything really.

- We are not talking about Mark Wright,

and we're gonna have a good night,

we're gonna go for a dance

and we're going to move on from this.

- Yeah, I don't want to argue about Mark Wright anymore,

because we have enough arguments about him.

- And we don't wanna talk about him.

- No, you don't want to argue about him.

- Yeah to be honest with you, I mean yeah,

I've had a great night you know,

I haven't met you properly Mario,

I've had a lovely time, and Lucy's been lovely.

But you know, I was with Mark earlier and I have sort

of let him down a little bit, last minute,

and I feel as though I've gotta go and see him now 'cause--

- What now?

Right now?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But, you know, I'm sure we'll do it again and you know,

it was nice, wasn't it?

- You're leaving Lyd here?

- Lyd, I've let Mark down,

I've gotta go and see him for a little bit okay?

We've had a nice evening you know,

we've been here for a while,

I've just gotta go and see him.

I owe it to him, yeah?

- I'm speechless.

I can't even talk right now.

- Do you know what?

I actually like being single,

I thought I had such a better nights sleep,

I can just relax, I don't have to worry about--

- Spread the legs.

- No one will put their arm over you and go like this.

- I hate sleeping on my own, I like to cuddle--

- I love sleeping on my own.

- If I've got a boyfriend [murmurs].

- I don't sleep with mine, I sleep with Lauren.

- Yeah I got her now.

- Do you know what the worst thing is?

When they wake up in the morning,

they start like trying it on with you.

- Oh!

- Straight away like that.

- With their morning death breath.

- Yeah they disgusting.

- Why do boys smell more?

- I don't even fart.

- I don't even poo, I've just gotta tell you all.

[laughing]

- Girls don't poo--

- Do you know what?

I would never poo in front of a man.

- Me and Mark used to go in the toilet in front

of each other all the time.

Yeah.

- I see that.

- I do poo, everything bad you think

of I've done in front of him.

- What?

A poo?

- I wouldn't marry a man unless I could poo and fart--

- No way.

- You just gotta get that first fart out the way,

once that's done it's fine.

Break the ice.

- Maria, you can't do that.

- Micks not gonna like that.

- Mick will jump you instantly.

- You've gotta keep something a secret.

- There are so many blokes in here,

I can't even see straight.

- Please stop winding me up

or I won't be coming for drinks with you no more, trust me.

- Oh my god, look who it is.

Oh, my god.

- Bad boys for life.

- What are you doing here?

- Don't leave me hanging bruv.

- What are you doing here?

- Well you know, didn't wanna let you down.

- You alright Arg?

You've come and rescued him.

- Well you know.

I've had a nice evening, you know with Lydia,

Mario and Lucy, but I felt you know,

I've done my due, I've paid my time,

and now I'm here to see you.

- What did they say when you left?

- Well you know, I was there for a little while,

I think they're all a bit shock, but--

- Lydia must be fuming.

- Yeah, I think she'll be alright.

I just think towards the end I did feel a little bit,

I started to feel a bit uncomfortable

and I just thought it was the right time to leave,

to be honest with ya.

- What did you say?

- I just said, you know what guys?

I've had a nice evening, thanks a lot,

we will do it again soon, but you know,

I've let Mark down, I feel a little bit uncomfortable now

and I feel like I've gotta go.

- Are me and you now

gonna have a night like we used to have?

A night that I used to have with my wing man,

sit here, champers coming over, get the cards out,

get the girls over.

You haven't got to cheat, obviously,

but having a drink.

Are we gonna do that or not?

- Well, as long as we get your card out.

- On that note boys, I've just seen someone that I--

- Uh, where you going?

- It's a girl, it's a girl, let me go, see you later.

- Go on, Jess.

- Bye.

- Mate, what's happening?

- I'll tell you, you know what Mark?

It's fucking good to see you mate.

- Marg is back, init?

- Definitely.

- There's birds everywhere and all I gotta say is this,

Mark Wright has been lame,

but Mark Wright now is back in the game.

[laughing]

And that's all there is it to son.

- Cheers mate.

- I just think he has got a bloody hold over him.

Like I'm sorry like, you don't do that.

Mark treats him like he's his bloody bitch

and it really pisses me off.

Mark controls people, he controlled Lauren

for ten years and she finally got out,

he's controlling James and James isn't getting out,

and James is just getting sucked in, sucked in.

And I think the more he's doing it,

like the more I'm like, I'm just going back to square one.

- The thing is we're three people that he can't control.

- But this is the truth.

We are the three, we are the three people he can't control.

- That's why Mark has got no friends,

Mark's only friend is James.

- Don't get upset.

Seriously I'll take you both out,

treat you both like princesses for one night.

I've got a pocket full of cash,

we'll go mad, the three of us.

- Aww, thank you Mario,

I have a real man to look after me for tonight.

- We can share him for tonight.

- Let's go then.

- Let's go now, come on.

- Are you sure?

Sure I'm not be intruding

on your little romantic celebrations?

- Don' be stupid, come on let's go.

- But I had a boyfriend once, get on this right,

this is gonna be really shocking,

and this is the Gods honest truth.

- I love how she builds it up.

- No, this is gospel, right.

I came in from work one day

and I could hear this [scratching] right,

I walked through the living room door,

he's sitting on the sofa,

scratching his under carriage with a credit card.

[screaming]

- Yeah.

Yeah, 100%.

- Yo girls, do you wanna come for a drink?

- Yeah, 'cause you're so charming, right?

- Yeah, that's what I thought.

How you doing, you alright?

- You alright?

Hello.

- You alright?

- Lovely to meet you, I'm Mark.

- Nice to meet you.

- Yes, my name's Arg.

- You alright?

- Are we all drinking tonight?

- Yeah.

- So how's your night been?

- It's been good, it's been good.

- Whoa, get away.

- That's meant for the waving aint it?

- Ah really?

- It's like a sparkler.

- Arg, what are you doing mate?

We're not at fireworks night yeah?

We're having a drink with some girls.

Want a drink, yeah?

- Yeah, yeah cool.

- Cheers.

- So girls, what do you do?

- I'm a Page Three girl.

I knew I was gonna get that.

I knew I was, as soon as that question pops up,

it's one of them, it's like argh.

- I think I've seen your pretty face before.

- Oh, that old chest nut,

- Do you think you're here for more than a chat.

- No, I'm just enjoying a drink.

- I like it, good come back.

- Please tell me you are not like him.

- No, I'm nothing like him, I've got a girlfriend.

- What you trying to say?

- See, he is a good boy.

You should take some notes.

- Do you like good boys?

- Yeah, I do actually.

- So you like Arg then?

- He's a good lad, bless him.

- Anyway cheers.

- Cheers.

- Good evening.

- Maria.

- Maria, what is your kind of guy?

- Something that I've not had before,

I don't know yet.

Like--

- I know, grey and older fifty.

- I don't know, I don't have a type. Like--

- I don't have a type, I just like a bad boy.

- They've just gotta make me laugh, and that's really basic.

I'd just, I'd love to get married and have kids,

I thought I'd be engaged by now,

by the time I was 25,

I definitely wanna have a kid by the time I'm thirty.

- Gemma, are you okay tonight?

You seem a little bit quiet.

- I am a little bit quiet.

- But you're alright though, just want a quiet night.

- I'm just getting over the shock

of Mick and Maria getting married.

They're gonna get married.

- Awkward

- I think with the Mick thing,

I think you need to sort of obviously,

because it gets quite awkward,

I think if you're cool with me seeing Mick

then it needs to be left at that.

- Maria don't, let's not ruin the night about it,

do you know what I mean?

- Are we having a good night or what?

- I'm having a great time you know, it's been nice.

I've had a few drinks, and I'm a little bit merry,

but, you know,

all in all, all in all it's been, it's been pretty cool.

- You might need a little bit more Champagne.

- I think I could do with some as well.

- Stop trying to get them drunk.

- I could definitely do,

I could definitely do with some champagne, you alright, Lyd?

- Are you for real?

- Alight Luce, alright Mario.

- Alright mate?

How you doing?

- Come join us for a drink.

- No.

- Now come on, don't be silly.

Go on girls, do you mind if they just sit down, yeah.

- Yeah, no.

- Come on, Lyd.

Come on.

- Na.

Are you kidding me?

- No, I said I was--

- Are you actually kidding me, James?

- No, I didn't know I was gonna come here?

- You're sitting there with two girls.

Are you kidding me?

- Mark invited them over, I didn't.

- Are you actually kidding me?

- But Arg, it isn't about

who the girls you're sitting with,

you've left a dinner with your girlfriend

to go onto a club to sit with girls.

That's what's the wrong part here.

- No--

- Alright, alright, everyone stop digging at Arg,

right, I understand where you're coming from,

he's left a meal, I didn't even know that,

but he's not doing anything wrong.

I am--

- Yes he is.

He was supposed to go on a double date

with me and my friends, apparently you were upset,

yeah, oh Mark's really upset he needs me, he needs me,

he's come on to a night with you two

and sitting with two girls.

- Well to be fair--

- Are you kidding me?

- Arg aint doing nothing with no girls.

- Nothing wrong?

No?

- Well, he was flirting with them--

- You don't think that's nothing wrong?

- I'm telling you--

- Well, he's pouring a girl a drink.

- Mark has been, Mark has been a bit upset yeah,

and I haven't really been there for him.

- He looks upset.

- No, Mark's been a bit upset

and I haven't really been there for him.

- Mario, Mario, please don't start.

- Mark.

I heard you think you could have Lucy

at the click of your fingers.

- I can.

- Go for it, go on.

- Huh?

- Go on.

- I don't wanna.

- You don't want to?

- Mario--

- This isn't about it, this isn't about it,

this isn't about it.

No, stop it.

- Stop it, can you stop.

- No, I know why you wanna stop it.

- This isn't about it.

- I know why you wanna stop it.

- What?

- Mario, trust me mate.

- Trust me?

I aint gonna trust you, you little cunt.

- Okay, I'll talk to you now, right,

I'll talk to you right now.

- Talk to her then.

- Sorry Lucy, he's piped up, I've gotta say it.

I went with Lucy a month ago.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Sorry mate.

- The thing is like, you're all talk Mark.

You're all talk, Mark.

The thing is everyone thinks you're a cunt,

I think you're a cunt.

- I slept with your missus thee weeks ago.

- Course you did.

- Who's the cunt now?

- Oh shut up.

- Believe what you've gotta believe.

You need to look in the mirror mate.

- I need to look in the mirror?

You've got a reseeding hairline you bellend.

- Oh, stop it please.

For Gods sake.

It's unnecessary.

- Ignore dumb and dumber,

let's go have a good night.

Come on.

- Fucking Arg, you've messed it up once again.

And who's leading you astray?

Who's leading you astray?

Fucking idiot.

- Did you really sleep with Lucy after 195?

- Yeah.

I did, I'm not gonna lie no more, there's no point.

- You know what he's like,

you know he's a prick and you're still stupid enough

to go near him.

- I know.

But I didn't fucking sleep with him.

Can you not see that he's trying to just do this

because he's the only one lonely and unhappy

and he's trying to make everyone else

around him exactly the same.

He's done it to Lydia tonight and he's trying

to do it to me tonight.

Have you not worked that out?

- I do absolutely fucking everything for you, everything.

It goes without saying.

Anything you want, anything.

I just, tonight, this whole night has started

with me surprising you with me buying you and me a flat

and asking you to move in with me,

and it's ended with Mark telling me

that he apparently slept with you when I was in Ibiza.

And obviously--

- Which you know is bollocks.

- Do I?

- We've come here tonight, and he's seen

that we're happy and he's tried to destroy everyone

around him, like he's trying take Arg away from Lydia.

And look what's happened here, she's upset.

And now he's trying to do it to us, can you not see it?

- I think wait until you know deep down that it's the truth,

because this is what he does.

He's a horrible, sad, manipulative person, Mario.

- I used to be like it, I used to be a player,

I used to play the game, I used to fuck birds for fun,

that's what I used to be like,

so I know what it's all about.

I stopped that game because I wanted to be with her.

Okay, so I know what it's all about.

- Yeah of course, I understand that.

- Yeah, so I asked her to stay away from him

for her own benefit.

Not for me, for us.

She still can't do that.

Seriously, I have given you nothing but love,

treated you like a princess

for the last four or five months.

I've taken you for nice meals, bought you nice presents,

made a fuss of you, everything,

introduced you to my family, everything.

I love you and I want us to be together and be happy,

you still go against exactly what I say,

knowing that I'm right,

makes me question exactly what it is what we are doing here.

Whatever.

- You know I love you, and you know I wouldn't cheat on you,

that's all I am saying.

- I think the moral of the story,

what we can just say is

that Mark's just really manipulative and I think

that before we jump to conclusions and jump to decisions--

- Nah Lydia, see the thing is,

in past relationships with me,

I've always given the girl the benefit of the doubt,

and it's always backfired on me

and I've ended up wasting another 6 months

of my life believing them and living a lie.

So do I waste another six months of my life believing Lucy,

but sort of thinking in the back of my mind hmmm.

- Lydia, what do you think?

Do you think I'm like that?

- I don't care.

Seriously, Lucy,

I think we need a little bit of a break.

So--

- You fucking idiot.

- I'm the fucking idiot?

- [Narrator] Next time on The Only Way Is Essex.

Is it all pain and no gain for Gemma?

- Careful of those things Gemma,

you'll give me a black eye with those.

- [Narrator] And will Arg choose bromance over romance?

- Who's leading you astray?

Fucking idiot.

- [Narrator] And is this the easiest way

to relieve that stubborn itch?

- He's scratching his under carriage with a credit card.

[screaming]

- [Narrator] Who knows?

These people are real,

and anything can happen on The Only Way Is Essex.

[upbeat music]