Original subtitles

- [Narrator] This programme contains fast cars,

fake boobs and Mark in a downward dog.

The tans you see might be fake,

but the people are all real,

although some of what they do has been set up

purely for your entertainment.

Previously on The Only Way Is Essex.

[cheering]

- Everyone that was together a few months ago split up.

- I don't like her,

like 'cause obviously I split up with her twice now.

- I don't wanna text another girl,

I don't wanna have sex with another girl,

I'm not gonna talk to a girl for at least 14 nights.

- No.

♪ The only way is up, baby

♪ For you and me now

[upbeat music]

- Why are we up so early for?

- 'Cause you know all the good customers

get to the boot sale really early.

- Ah, so what we gotta do,

we've gotta basically just sell all the plants

for dad's business really, isn't we?

- Yeah, this is all like, the last stock

so we gotta try and clear it all today.

- Yeah.

Erm, apparently Lydia and her mum Debs are goin'.

- [Ronnie] Are they, what're they doing?

- Yeah, I heard they're bringing Joey as well,

I think they're actually doing a boot sale.

[car horn honking]

- What the hell have you got here?

I said a couple of bags.

How're we gonna get this all in the car?

We can't get this in the car,

Look, I mean what is this for Christ's sake?

- That's the fridge.

- I don't even think the skip will take this stuff. Oop!

- You're decreasing the value of my ironing board here.

[laughing]

- Joey, there's mildew all at the bottom of this.

- Joey, that can't sell.

- I mean, it's not just mildew,

there's a Christmas turkey in it as well.

- What's these ones called?

- These are Pansies.

- What does that mean?

- Come on, Harry, you should know what Pansy is.

All you gotta do is hold them like that,

- Yeah - Show 'em to everyone,

have a go.

Go on, see if you can shout out.

- Take that.

So basically you've just gotta like shout out

"pound a Pansy" really?

- Yeah, that's it.

- So it'd be like "pound a Pansy" to everyone?

- Yeah, that's it.

- Cool cool, take that, put that back down.

Where's my filer? Thanks.

- Joey, this is fake!

Fake designer is against my religion,

this is illegal! - I didn't buy it.

- We'll be arrested, Joey.

We'll be arrested, that'll be our luck.

- This is fake Burberry, this is Furberry.

- Sweet mate, what about these?

You get at least a grand for them.

[laughing]

- Do you actually know what a boot sale is?

- These would go for about 50p.

- Why, what is a boot sale,

where you sell Ugg boots?

- Lydia, explain to him what a boot sale is please.

- Right, a boot sale is

a place where people come together

and they sell each other's items.

So it'll be like a stall with all bits and bobs

but it goes cheap 'cause it's all

second-hand. - Like second-hand stuff?

- And you can get vintage stuff there as well,

that's why you're coming as well.

- Why're there so many plants in here,

it's not even funny though.

- Oh shut up about it.

- They don't even smell that nice.

- Come on, we've gotta get going.

Whaddya mean they don't smell nice?

- They just don't, it smells like green.

I don't like that smell and I don't like the colour.

[upbeat music]

- [Joey] You're jokin'.

This is well comfortable.

[upbeat music]

- Hiya. - Hiya, you all right?

- Yeah, fine thank you.

- I'm lookin' to do a bit of yoga.

- Uh-huh, have you done it before?

- No

- [Receptionist] Why do you wanna do yoga?

- Well I just wanna,

y'know, wanna bit of thinking time,

I've heard it's good for you, y'know,

obviously relaxing for your muscles

and also relaxing for the brain.

- Yeah. - All right, brilliant.

- We got one starting in about half an hour.

- Half an hour?

Thanks very much. - All right, that's all right.

- Cheers.

["Park Life"]

- [Dino] Come on, Argie!

Come on, think of the pecs.

[laughing]

- [Arg] [groaning] I don't know about that one.

- [Dino] Out tonight, are ya?

- Oh my god, have you not heard?

- What? - What's going on?

- About my singles night at the Sugarhut!

- I'm single - Are you single babe?

- I'm single, yeah.

- All right, tell me what sort of girl you like, babe.

- [Dino] Well she's gotta be short obviously.

[laughing]

Brunette. - Yeah.

- Little bit curvaceous.

- I wanna come.

- Argent, you're with Lydia.

So do you think if we keep doing this

we're gonna be body beautiful by Christmas?

- I wanna beach body for Christmas,

that's all I want.

- You will be ripped up.

- Oh, I think we need to do some more invigorating.

- Hi guys! - You all right?

- [Gemma] Hiya, hi Luc, hi Mario.

- [Mario] You all right.

- Two weeks and I'm just gonna look like you.

[laughing]

- Mister trainer, are we gonna get as thin as Lucy?

- [Dino] I dunno, she is pretty thin, isn't she?

- [Gemma] Yeah.

- [Dino] We're not gonna lose weight by standing around,

come on.

- Right, come on Arg.

- [Dino] 10 press ups.

One, two, Arg you count.

Come on, Arg.

♪ I like it hot

♪ I like you cool

♪ I ain't nobody's fool

- [Yoga Instructor] Get them nice and wide,

[upbeat pop music]

very slowly come forward,

so you can go slightly back.

[upbeat pop music]

["Chelsea Dagger"]

- Come on, hurry up!

All right, Harry!

- All right, Deb.

- [Debbie] Joey, would you get a move on please?

Come on, hurry up.

For Christ's sake,

you're about as useless as a bloody pork chop.

Right, now listen,

I'm not gonna ask you to do any pricing.

- Yeah.

- Because you'll be useless at that.

- [Lydia] No, you're not doing any pricing either

- What you talking about?

- [Lydia] 'cause you do it too low.

You'll say buy a baby bib

and get a printer, a mirror and the whole stall for free.

- But I feel sorry for them, Lydia,

- Coffee? - you price things--

- She does stuff too cheap.

- [Debbie] You price things too expensive.

- We won't earn any money,

we'll end up with a quid.

- You're too cheap and you're too expensive,

I'm in charge of fashion, accessories and pricing.

- Yeah, these can go £15, these big bushes.

- Big bush needs to go 15? - Yeah.

- That's one pricey bush.

- D'ya know what people do with them bushes?

- What? - They put 'em beside

their front doors.

- Do they? - Yeah,

and like at Christmas they can put lights round them.

- So it's basically like a vajazzled bush.

- Yeah.

- Who would've thought?

♪ Holding the door from when you thought ♪

♪ She was playing away from you ♪

- Wow.

- You all right, Mick?

- How're you? - How are you?

- I'm all right, I hardly recognise ya.

- [Gemma] Did you?

- What have you done?

You look fantastic. - What did ya think?

- You look lovely, babe, have a seat.

- Thank you, so you rate the new body then?

Does it look foxy?

- [Mick] Absolutely foxy, yeah.

[giggling]

- Mick, you make me so,

I feel so embarrassed sitting in front of you.

- Do ya? - Yeah.

- Why? - You just make me

go funny, Mick.

- Do I? - You do, you do.

But I swear I don't fancy you no more.

I know you don't fancy me back so it's fine.

[laughing]

But oh no, thank you for seeing me today,

I'm so excited about holding the singles' nights here

because there are so many singletons in Essex

and I just wanna change their lives around.

- So you're literally gonna match them up,

that's your plan? - Yeah,

I'm matching them up because I truly believe

I understand love.

- Brilliant. - And at the end of the day,

I'm truly concerned for world, Mick.

This is serious,

about how many single people there are,

it's not normal.

This is gonna be like

just the most amazing way to meet people,

- Brilliant - 'cause it's all about

love and romance.

You can dance, flirt all night,

but if two people are shy-- - Yeah.

- Y'know, you've gotta get to know--

- That's me I'm shy.

- Are you? - That's where I fall flat,

that's why I'm single all the time.

I can't approach that person,

I'm actually waiting for them to approach me

and then when they've approached me,

it's not right.

- No, you-- - Like they're not right,

you know what I mean?

'Cause life is being together with people innit,

- It is, it is. - That's what it's about.

- There's loads of people living round here

that need to feel the love, do you know what I mean?

And I'm gonna help them do it. - I think

it's a great idea.

- All right, and if you're not busy

feel free to come along, yeah?

- I'd love to come, is that an invite then?

- Yeah, if you want.

- Thank you, I'll be here then.

- [Yoga Instructor] Keep breathing, inhale.

Try not to let the mind wander in yoga,

keep it present.

["Mathar"]

- I wonder what Jess's party was like the other night?

- You bothered?

- I'm not bothered,

obviously I like Jess, I get on well with Jess

and it would've been nice to be at her party yeah, but.

- Did you not have a better time with me?

- No [giggling]

- We had a good night but-- - Good?

Is that it? [laughing]

- You're making me blush.

- Hiya, can I have a coffee to take away please?

- Yeah. - Thanks.

- But yeah, I would of liked to have gone,

but it would have been good to catch up with everyone.

- All right? - Hiya.

- I was hoping I'd bump into you one day.

Have a nice time in Marbella?

- Yeah. - Good was it?

- Yeah. - Oh good, you all right?

Erm, just wanted to say really,

thank you for finally getting Mark away from my sister,

it's took me a long while

but you've managed to do the trick so,

just wanted to say thanks for that,

and she's finally seen the light

and um, I think it's all down to you really, so.

- Well I'm glad,

I was never out to break 'em up, Nicola, I swear.

But I honestly I'm glad-- - Really?

- No honestly.

- No, not at all in Marbella, no?

- No.

- [Nicola] Okay.

Okay, well they are broken up now anyway so she's er

- Well I hope they're both happy,

I honestly do.

- You really do, yeah?

- Yeah, I'm happy

right now. - Well maybe you should

say that to her one day.

- I will do. - When you

pluck up the courage.

'Cause I think she deserves an apology really, if you ask me

- An apology? - Yeah.

- I would never go up to her and apologise.

I'm gonna be truthful with you, I'm not gonna lie.

There's no point in me sitting here and going

"okay, I'll go and apologise to her"

'cause I won't.

We're never gonna be friends

and I think we should just keep our distance.

- Okay, that's a good idea.

Anyway, see you later. - Bye.

- [Mario] All right?

- Do you know what, I'm actually relieved

because I feel like now that's it with all that.

- Well by the sounds of things

you've done Lauren a favour.

So surely she should be thanking you,

not you apologising to her.

- I'm shaking, look at me.

- All right mate?

- Hi Kirk, all right?

- What's this?

- Just got all the drawings through for The Grand.

- What, for the hotel? - For the new hotel.

- Yeah. On your idea about the spa,

I really think it's a great idea.

I think we can work well together on that.

- Hopefully, I wanna take that on, full steam ahead.

- Seems like you're moving on and moving up.

Growing up a little bit, eh?

You gonna put all that partying behind ya and

- I've had enough of partying - join us with this project?

- I'd like to do it, to take--

- I mean talking about it's one thing,

bringing it to fruition is another thing.

- I know. - So you're happy

to come on board and be part of it.

- Yeah but sometimes when we work,

you'll listen to my decision but it's always yours.

- Sometimes, y'know, as you've been growing up,

you've come out with some stupid ideas

and I haven't taken notice of it.

This time you've come out with a great idea

and I'm really pleased about it.

- Just trust me,

I know I'm young but

- Yeah, I do trust ya.

What do you wanna do with the spa?

- Like a Thai theme.

- Well that is our brand anyway.

- Yeah, not like Thai thing,

I don't want little Thai girls come running out

and like happy ending masseuses and stuff like that.

- That's not what we're all about is it, Kirk,

I think you know that.

- [Lydia] How's you and Sam anyway?

- [Joey] Yeah, I dunno,

I saw her the other night, didn't I?

- I know, I saw you,

- At Jess's birthday. - You looked a bit upset.

- I don't know, I just thought it was a bit weird,

like I dunno, we don't even know

what to say to each other like.

Just seeing her out is annoying

'cause obviously I'm thinking like,

obviously I must still like her,

I must still like her, but - Yeah

I think you do

'cause you do still talk about her quite a lot.

- But then I know for a fact

I've gotta move on now anyway

'cause I know she's seeing someone else.

- What, is she definitely seeing someone else?

- She's definitely seeing someone else.

- But I think you need to find out that first.

- I know for a fact what she's like,

she'll go, I'll go 'oh are you seeing someone else?',

she'll just laugh and go 'no, no'.

And blatantly she's seeing someone else,

it's so obvious. - Oh really?

- She's just gone and got with someone else straight away

and I'm still thinking I might like her,

- You're still liking - Do you know what I mean?

- And you're still like, moping about it.

- So I think I've just gotta sort of

clear my head with Sam now and just move on somehow.

- Aww - I'm going to

the singles party tonight innit, Gemma's doing it.

- Oh yeah! - I know, yeah.

Could be a girl there, you never know.

- [Lydia] Never know.

- So to that I thought I'm gonna go and do a bit of yoga

'cause I've heard it's good for the mind.

- Yoga? It's a girly thing, innit?

- Well, I thought it was a unisex thing.

Walked in, there's 14 birds there,

every one of them an 8/10 minimum.

[laughing]

I'm meant to be sitting there thinking about things

and all I could see was boobs, arse and more arse.

Every time I bent over

there was like just a peach,

just sitting in front of my face.

[laughing]

I was that close, chh-chh.

[laughing] - I nearly broke my celibacy,

right there and right then.

[laughing]

- So go on, as rules go, how've you been getting on?

I mean, no kissing so far?

- Nope.

- No girls staying over night? - Nothing.

- No sleeping with anyone?

- No dates.

- And what about self-pleasuring?

- Come on, I'm allowed to do that.

- Mark, - That helps me out!

- That's part of the rules!

- Listen, I walked out of that yoga class,

trust me, I need to self pleasure myself.

[laughing]

- Well listen, I suppose that's all right,

we can have a slight bend of the rules

but y'know, don't take it too far.

Otherwise it ain't fun.

- No, you know what, it ain't just about it being fun

or about it being a bet,

I'm doing it for myself.

Why've you got chips with a salad?

If you're gonna get a salad,

don't bother getting the chips

'cause obviously it's pointless

and it counts it out.

You might as well have got a burger and chips.

- Actually you know what?

I better stop eating.

I'm going and taking Lydia

for a nice little romantic dinner for two tonight.

- Oh nice, where you going?

- Going Alex's, proper looking forward for it.

- Look, these are quite cool,

look you like tight stuff.

- [Joey] They're too gold for me.

- But you love really,

everything you that wear is like,

two times too small and really really tight.

- No, this has actually shrunk, this tracksuit.

- These, look how tight they are.

- I know, they're like the sort of thing Harry would wear.

- These are right up your street.

- Show us.

They're up my street, ain't they?

- They are!

Look, we've found you something,

try 'em on.

- How am I gonna try 'em on?

- Just put them on over your trousers,

just to see if they fit your waist.

Just think you've got the extra padding

because of the tracksuit.

Pull 'em up.

- [Joey] Fuckin' 'ell.

- [Lydia] Pull.

- Proper up my street, ain't they?

- [Lydia] They actually look cool.

I think they'd fit you.

[laughing]

- Oh yeah, lovely.

I love 'em.

- How did last night go anyway?

- It was weird 'cause I see Lauren,

first time I've seen her since I split up with her.

- How'd you feel when you saw her,

what's your feelings?

- When I see her,

I instantly felt straight away that

how I did when I was with her.

Is that just normal?

- You like her is what you're saying?

- Yeah, or I did last night.

- How'd you feel this morning?

- Sort of the same.

- There you go then.

- But I don't wanna be with her.

- Oh, well then. - 'Cause I split up with her.

- So why're you asking me questions like that then

if you don't wanna be with her?

- D'ya reckon I should just ask her,

she wants to see the dog,

and then hopefully she'll say

"by the way, I never wanna get back with you",

I'll be like right, then I know.

- All I'm getting is mixed messages

and I dunno what Lauren will get

if she's sitting here with you,

you need to really

- I don't want to be with her, just civil.

- No, that's fine then,

so you're gonna have the dog walk,

gonna have your final chat

and then you're gonna walk away and it's over.

- Yeah. - You feel good about that?

- I wouldn't know until I done it,

but I'm pretty sure.

- That'll give you closure.

- Yeah, that's the word, closure.

- Closure.

- So where you been today?

- You don't wanna know.

Basically I got introduced to Dino

at Jessica's party.

You know, he's one of these sort of fitness fanatics,

got all the muscles and all that.

And erm, he said he'd take me and Gemma out.

Gemma put me to shame, Mark.

She's like an animal, she's literally like

- You can't go calling her an animal.

- No, not like that,

but she's literally like a nut case,

she just don't stop.

You know I was working out, trying to do my thing,

get a bit of a sweat on,

and Lucy run past with her new fella,

is it Mario?

- Oh yeah, yeah.

- Bloody hell, Mark,

they're a hot couple ain't they?

- Yeah.

- He had his top off, ripped to pieces,

tall, dark, handsome,

y'know me and Gemma standing there compared to them two

it's like chalk and cheese.

[laughing]

But you know,

I mean Lucy, she was looking pretty hot as well to be fair.

- You can never take that away from her,

she's a sort, ain't she?

- [Arg] Yeah, she is.

- He looks ripped up as well, don't he?

- He does look good, Mark.

- Hmm, is the body enough though?

[laughing]

- [Kirk] Come on.

Come on! - Oh my God.

- [Kirk] All right?

- Hello! Oh my god, you're huge!

- [Kirk] There she is!

- Oh he's really teary.

He's emotional. - Yeah, I keep cleaning it.

No he ain't. - He is, he's really emotional

that he's been separated

from me. - He's really emotional, is he

- [Lauren] Oh my god, he's so fat!

- [Kirk] He's all right though, isn't he?

You all right? - Yeah good, you?

- [Kirk] Yeah, thank you for coming.

- That's all right - There she is.

Do you want to take him for a walk with me?

- [Lauren] Yeah

- Be careful 'cause his collar slips off.

- [Lauren] Does he go for walks now then, does he?

- Yeah, he loves the lead.

You all right? You look nice.

- [Lauren] Thank you.

- [Kirk] Feels a bit awkward, don't it?

- [Lauren] Does it?

- Where've you two been? - Hi Mum.

- Shopping! - Hey.

I bought some reem jeans, what're you saying?

- Joey, they're too small for you.

- [Lydia] No they're not,

once he's got his tracksuit off.

- Your lunch pack is all hanging out at the top.

- Don't say that, look.

- All right! - All right, Harry!

- How did you do?

- We did awful!

- Why?

- [Lydia] Because her!

- [Joey] How much did you sell?

- [Harry] 40 quid?

- 40? - Yeah.

- She just pockets the money

'cause we've earned six quid some how.

- Six pounds.

- Six pounds?

- Check my pockets!

The thing is, if you'd have both been here

instead of gallivanting around

trying to find your vintage clothes,

we might've taken a bit more money.

- No.

- Come on - Come on, let's start

packing up.

- [Lydia] We've gotta get going,

I need to get ready for tonight.

- [Kirk] All right?

It was awkward seeing you the other day,

did you not feel?

- Erm - Do you not miss me?

- I did for a long time,

but to be honest I don't anymore.

- That's good, I just wanna know it's like,

this is like closure, I just wanna know

where we both stand, we're both pals,

there's no feelings like that, you know?

Yeah?

- [Lauren] What about the dog, am I allowed to see the dog?

- Yeah, but I'd rather you,

we take him for a walk and stuff.

- [Lauren] Why? Why does it have to be

me and you take him for a walk?

You know I'm not gonna steal him.

- Dunno.

- Friends are supposed to have trust within a friendship.

- [Kirk] I just wanna be friends,

we'll take him for a walk together.

- [Lauren] We don't have to take him for a walk together.

So you think ex-girlfriend and boyfriend

it's weird to chat on the phone

but it's not weird to take

the dog for a walk? - All right, you can take

the dog for a walk.

- Thank you - But not with a new boyfriend

or something like that.

You won't do that, would ya?

- [Lauren] What, so he hasn't been exposed

to any other women?

- [Kirk] No girls took him for a walk.

- Still likes being tickled here.

- Yeah, so do I. - Still likes being tickled

on his bum.

- So do I.

Gotta let me go,

'cause I've gotta sort out this singles party

that we're having tonight.

- What, is it your party?

- [Kirk] No it's Gemma's,

but it's at Sugarhut innit.

- Is it? - Yeah.

Why, you going?

Have you been asked to go?

- Yeah.

- If I could choose, I wouldn't really want you going,

but that's not trying to be horrible or anything.

- But then two minutes ago

you're saying you wanna be friends--

- No! - But you don't want me to

come to your club?

- No, no, not like that at all, see.

I don't wanna try and come across horrible like this,

but I'm just trying to say it would be horrible, y'know.

- Well are you telling me I'm not coming?

- No, no, no, I'm not, no no.

I'm just trying to let you know how I feel.

Just so you know how I feel when you're there tonight.

That's all.

- We done actually quite good

at the boot sale today, didn't we?

- Yeah, it was all right, wasn't it?

- Yeah, I think dad'll be pleased.

- Yeah, he will be very pleased,

yeah - Big time.

I'm so excited for tonight.

- [Ronnie] It is, it's gonna be wicked.

- Aw it's gonna be brilliant.

I'm bored of being single, it's just boring.

- [Ronnie] We can find you someone I think.

- D'ya think?

- Yeah. - I'll take you up on that.

- Yeah I will.

When you're 18, I'll take you to your first gay night club,

how about that?

- Would you? - Yeah.

How about that? - I've never asked

you that before, would you?

- [Ronnie] Yeah, course I will.

- Aw big time.

- Wicked, so what will be like,

the kind of boy you go for?

- I want someone completely different to me.

Do you know what I mean?

Someone who's not blonde,

someone who's not orange who's got a nice tan,

and someone who's really fun.

I'm fun, but I want fun.

- Yeah, yeah. - He would definitely

be a hunk. - Yeah.

- But not like, pump up Pete hunk.

- No. - But a hunk.

- You know I ain't got no problem with you,

with being gay don't ya?

- I know that, course I know that.

Course I know that, Ron.

- Love ya. - I love you too.

♪ Ooh, when we erupt into the room, ♪

♪ And hear the sub go boom,

♪ A feeling easy to resume,

♪ This right here I swear will end too soon, ♪

♪ So I sink into the tune,

♪ As I inhale the fume,

♪ A feeling easy to resume,

♪ This right here I swear will end too soon. ♪

- Right, how this evening is gonna work

is there's a lock and there is a key.

Now the girls have the locks

and the guys have the key.

Now I have personally understood your wants and needs

for finding eternal love tonight, all right?

And I want you to feel the love,

I'm not being funny, you've gotta feel it,

you've gotta want it

and it's gonna happen, yeah?

So what I have done

is basically paired your keys and your locks up

to the right person that you're gonna be with,

and on hand to help me this evening,

it wouldn't be the same without Cupid,

so I would like to welcome in Cupid to you all,

come in Cupid!

[cheering]

Hi Cupid!

[laughing]

Harry is gonna be handing out for me

the keys and the locks,

so let's crack on, let's have some fun,

and let's unlock the keys to love.

[cheering]

- [Arg] Cheers Lydia.

- This is to us. - To us.

- I would say no carbs but

after all the dieting and exercise I've been doing

I think I'm gonna go dolaly if I don't have some potatoes.

- You have to treat yourself every now and then, huh?

I must say, I'm very impressed, James.

- You look beautiful tonight.

You remind me a little bit of Carrie Bradshaw.

- You remind me of Mr. Big.

[laughing]

[sirens on TV wailing]

♪ If we don't kill ourselves

♪ We'll be the leaders of a messed-up generation ♪

♪ If we don't kid ourselves

♪ Will they believe us if we tell them the reasons why ♪

- [Kirk] Can I put my key in your box?

- Yeah, you can, you can try it.

- [Kirk] Ain't working for no one!

- Mine isn't either.

- It aint gonna work,

I think they've given me a dud one ain't they?

It won't even go.

- I won't even go in,

it's definitely not gonna work then is it.

- [Kirk] Oh you're having a laugh, ain't ya?

[laughing]

- What're the chances of that happening?

- Is this Gemma's doing or yours?

- It's definitely not mine, are you serious?

I think my brother would have my life!

- Oh don't worry, that's all right,

it's a risk I'm willing to take.

Erm, what do we do now?

- Dunno, dunno, I think you should

give my box back. - Shall we close it back up

and make out it didn't work?

- [laughing] Let's do that - Shall we put it on?

- This is just a little bit awkward.

- [Kirk] It is a bit, innit?

It's a weird night, innit?

- Yeah, very.

- I thought it'd be a joke,

like speed dating, you're like having a chat

with a couple of people.

See, that was awkward as well.

- Yeah, let's just pretend it didn't happen.

- [Kirk] Yeah but that's not awkward,

she's come here as well ain't she?

- [Jessica] Yeah, so [mumbling]

- I couldn't have been in that position.

- [Jessica] Yeah.

- I would have dragged the guy with me but.

[giggling]

♪ We don't wait, we just grow

♪ If it's late then we'll show

- What's your favourite animal?

- Animal, hmmm,

I wanna say a cat but that's boring but it is cat.

- Then I'm boring - I love cats.

- I like cats. - I love like cats eyes,

what about you?

- Oh mine's a elephant.

- [Girl] Why elephant?

- Dunno, it's like they're weird ain't they,

they got them big long things.

- Yeah, they're like dinosaurs.

- [Joey] Are they?

I would say dinosaur

but they don't exist no more, do they so

- Yeah, what's your favourite-- - I'd be lyin'

- What's your favourite fruit?

- My favourite fruit, tomato.

- Tomato's not a fruit though, is it?

- [Joey] Is it not?

- It's a vegetable I think.

- Oh, I eat it as a fruit.

I get a tomato just like that.

- Really?

Hmmm, strawberry's the best fruit by a mile.

- My mate's allergic to strawberries.

- [Girl] Really?

- I throw 'em at him and like a massive rash will come up.

- [Harry] You all right guys?

- [Group] Hi Harry.

- How's it all going, you all loved up?

- Getting there.

- Are you with anyone tonight?

- Am I with anyone tonight, I wish.

I think everyone here likes a bit of fanny so.

[laughing]

- I've been thinking, you know,

I'm doing pretty well with my singing at the moment

and y'know, I'm busy y'know most weekends,

Friday, Saturday and Sundays but at the same time,

you know, during the week and stuff,

I do have a lot of spare time on my hands

and I think I could do with a new career path.

All my attributes in life, I was thinking all adds up;

I should be a radio DJ.

- A DJ? - What do you reckon?

- Honestly, I think that

you should maybe do one or the other.

If you wanna be a singer, be a singer,

if you wanna be a radio presenter--

- Let's be honest, I'm not exactly Justin Bieber, am I?

- No, but you're Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin.

- [laughing] Yeah but,

at the same time, I think radio presenting

could be something I'm quite good at.

- You're actually gonna do this?

You're serious about it?

- Yeah, I'm actually gonna do it.

- Well then I'm proud of you,

and I wish you all the best of luck with it.

- Well don't you think I've got the personality for it?

- Definitely,

I definitely think you have got the personality for it.

- And I also don't have to worry about my diet then

'cause no one can see me, they can only hear me.

- No, I want you to worry about your diet, personally.

[laughing]

- Yeah.

- [Maria] Hi.

- Hi Maria, you all right?

- Yeah.

- Have you had any luck with your lock?

- No! - You haven't?

- No.

- Do you want me to try? - I'm devastated.

I'm gonna be single forever.

- Shall we see if my lock fits in your,

no, my key fits in your lock?

- [Maria] [laughing] Are you hoping it does, Micky?

- Yeah, I wouldn't mind it.

- [Maria] You gotta pray.

- Might help us get to know each other a bit better.

Oh blimey, here we go, what d'ya think?

Oh! - Oh my god!

- Oh my god!

I have unlocked your lock.

- Oh no. - What does that mean?

- Dunno - Is this now

when we shout and call for Gemma?

- Yeah, this is when you run and get a prenup.

[laughing]

- Christ, just think this could all be yours.

- [laughing] Yeah - Wow.

- [Maria] Look at what you could've won.

- [Mick] Yeah, does that mean Kirk has to call you Mum?

- Yeah. - From here.

[laughing]

- Does that mean you tell him off and put him to bed?

And tell him

what he has to do? - Mrs Norcross

- Yeah, wow.

- Hi, it's me.

I'm feeling a little bit lonely

so I wanna come and see ya.

Erm, hope that's all right,

and y'know, when you pick this up,

give me a call, if not I'll see you in a minute.

I'm on my way now.

Thanks a lot, cheers, bye.

[car engine starting]

[chilled dance music]

- [Chloe] How tall are you?

- [Dino] I dunno, do you wanna height check?

- [Georgio] You know about short and tall men though,

don't you? - You can stand

on top of him and then you'll be perfect.

- [Georgio] You know about short and tall men, don't you?

- Oh, it's a shame it didn't.

- That's tall men, like that,

and that's short men.

Think about it.

- I don't get it either.

- Think about it. - I'm a little bit confused

myself - What is it?

- Tall men are like that.

- [Chloe] Learners.

- No, think about it.

- Left. - No.

- Lucky. - That's the man,

- Yeah - And he's like that

- And that's the willy?

- And then short men are like that.

[giggling]

- I still don't get it. - Just think about it.

- That's rude.

- Do you wanna try the lock again or not?

[laughing]

- Nah, she'll take a pass on this one.

- Yous two are really funny.

- Thanks - You're probably

the best people I've met all night.

- Really? - Aw thanks.

So is it not too good at the minute then?

- No it ain't been good.

- No? - Honestly.

- [Georgio] No one taken your fancy?

- No one.

[upbeat dance music]

- My biggest secret is, no one knows this right,

I can't wear socks the right way in.

- What? - Always,

I can't not wear my socks the right way in.

- Why?

- I just can't,

- Isn't like that OCD? - I don't like it.

Pretty much yeah, OCD.

- 100%. [chuckling]

I don't have a secret like that..

- Good secret though, innit?

- That's definitely a good secret

- See, you'd never know that.

- [Girl] No, 100%.

- That's what I'm saying.

- Are you looking for love then?

- I would actually...yes.

[laughing] - Really?

Or just a bit of fun?

- No I'm not, who knows.

I think you have to have a bit of fun

before the love, you have to

- Yeah, I agree.

- [Mick] Yeah, you do.

- So you've not fit anyone's lock?

- Yeah, yours.

- Apart from mine.

- Are you actually looking for somebody else to join us?

- [laughing] Oh my god!

- Do you want some profiterole?

- Go on then, why not.

That's a little bit-- - I'm giving you a small bit

because you are on a diet and it's full fat dairy cream.

[laughing]

So you can only have a little bit.

Okay? - Okay.

[laughing]

All right, Mark.

- [Mark] Oh you haven't finished, I left it late.

- That's all right, we're only at the dessert.

How're you, you all right?

- [Mark] All right.

- How comes we got the pleasure of your company?

- I was just feeling a little bit lonely at home,

just thought I'd come down, bored and lonely.

- [Arg] Come on then.

- [Mark] How's your meal been?

- [Arg] Yeah, it's been lovely innit, Lyd?

- Been very nice, thank you.

- Why don't you pull up a pew?

- Since when did you call it a pew?

[laughing]

- Are you all right?

Like you keep like, touching yourself.

- It's 'cause these trousers

are too tight. - They a bit too tight?

- [Joey] Yeah, I get 'em too tight,

I'm gonna have to change them.

- Like showing it all off.

- [Joey] I know, why do I keep touching it?

- Yeah, like every two seconds.

- [Joey] I know, I'm sorry babe,

these are well too small, I can't even walk.

- [Girl] Why are they too small?

- I dunno 'cause I bought these shoes ages ago

but I bought 'em like,

I normally buy them two sizes too small

so I don't get like creases.

- [Girl] Isn't that like, painful?

- Yeah, well painful, it kills.

- So like, are you all like sucked in?

- Yeah pretty much, like look,

I'm like just tight everywhere ain't I?

- Clearly.

- That singles' night's going on tonight, innit?

- Didn't fancy it?

- Nah, sod that.

She's gone, Lauren, ain't she?

- Has she? - Mhmm

- [Arg] How'd you know?

- 'Cause Jess told me.

Glad to see someone's moving on so fast in that way.

- Yeah but, Mark,

you've gotta kind of understand why she's moving on.

- [Mark] Yeah no, I do understand

- I think that she kind of put up with

quite a lot of crap for the past year

that she's kind of entitled to

move on, isn't she. - Yeah no, I agree.

Yeah no, y'know I want her to move.

- They both put up with crap,

they've both gotta move on.

- Yeah look, I've not been a diamond over the years

but all I know is at the moment,

I'm just trying to get over her

and I'm just finding it hard.

- I don't understand why you're upset

by what Lauren's doing.

- No-- - He hasn't got the right

to stop her or say

- No, but I've got a right to be upset,

it's my heart being upset, it's not my brain,

I probably know I should-- - But then you did that

when you were going out with her.

- Well he can't take control of that, can he?

You can't take control of your heart.

But y'know, Mark, y'know does have

a right to be upset, don't he?

- I know, but you always stick up for Mark anyway, James,

because of like you feel like

you've always got to stick up for each other.

- I stick up for Mark in this situation,

but you know you're my girlfriend,

I stick up for you as well.

- No you don't.

- Lyd, I always stick up for you.

- Well I don't really wanna have this argument

'cause I feel like me and James have come out

for a nice romantic meal and I don't wanna argue about

silly things.

- No, y'know what, you're probably right,

I probably shouldn't have turned up.

I'll go and I'll leave yous to it, all right?

- [Arg] No, you're all right if you wanna stay for a bit.

- No it's cool, I'll leave yous to it,

I shouldn't have turned up to be fair, it was wrong.

I'll see you later on, yeah?

- [Arg] I'll see you tomorrow anyway, won't I?

- [Mark] All right mate, see you later on.

- Yeah? - Bye.

- [Voice Over] Next time on The Only Way Is Essex.

Will Maria take the Mick?

- Yeah, this is when you run and get a prenup.

[laughing]

- [Voice Over] Will the twins ever pick up someone

their own size?

- You can stand on top of him and then you'll be perfect.

- [Voice Over] And will Joey ever get out

of his tight squeeze?

- [Joey] Why do I keep touching it?

- Yeah like, every two seconds.

- [Joey] Oh I'm sorry babe.

- [Voice Over] Who knows?

These people are real,

and anything can happen on The Only Way Is Essex.

♪ The only way is up, baby,

♪ For you and me now

♪ The only way is up, baby,

♪ For you and me now