Original subtitles

[trumpet blowing]

- [Announcer] This programme contains flash cars,

big watches and extreme posing.

The tans you see might be fake, but the people are all real,

although some of what they do has been set up

purely for your entertainment.

Previously on The Only Way is Essex.

- When I had my reading Gemma said,

"You're gonna meet someone, your Prince Charmin'

"and it's not too far away."

Oh! [keys clanging] - Oh!

- I wanna prove to Mick that I can be his war princess.

- Oh!

- I'm arranging some phat pool party.

Yeah I'm comin' back with a bang.

Joey Essex eat this.

[upbeat trumpet music]

♪ The only way is up baby

♪ For you and me now

♪ Ooo

[upbeat guitar music]

- Don't be nervous.

I think every man should try it once in their life.

Just lay back relax and you might actually like it.

- Oh really nervous.

- [Amy] Right, just take a nice deep breath.

[hair tears] ♪ Clowns to the left of me

- Fuck! ♪ Jokers to the right

- Oh! ♪ Here I am

♪ Stuck in the middle with you - Ah!

[laughing] [hair tears]

♪ Yes I'm - Whip it.

- Whip it baby!

[hair tears]

- So are you looking forward to the pool party?

- Yeah, d'ya know what, I'm really excited for it.

- The thing is though it could be quite hard

for me, isn't it?

- Why's it gonna be hard for you?

What with Arg and Lydia being there?

- I mean I just wanna sort it out now

and say to her, "You know what, I do not wanna get involved

"with you and Arg."

I'm gonna go and see Lydia

just sort it all out with her

before the pool party.

'Cause I don't wanna be walking in to the pool party

and everyone be like,

all this atmosphere.

- The thing is though, I don't need yous

like, taking all the attention away from my new legs

and my little tight shorts, d'ya know what I mean?

- True harry.

- He's just, I just don't know, mum.

- Right.

- He's like delicious

and I'm like--

- If you, d'ya want me to do it?

- No, no, you're not--

- I'll call him for ya.

- What do I say?

What do you say?

- Right let's think about this.

'cause you gotta be a bit cool here.

- I can't do it.

- Listen to me.

Hi Rob.

It's Lydia.

[laughing]

Yeah, yeah I do fancy you.

- No!

I'm not doing that!

[laughing]

- Come on then Lydia,

let's go.

- Look I'm shaking.

- Shaking, now stop shaking.

- But I haven't done this in like 20 years.

- No you've never ever ever asked anyone out.

- All right.

[phone ringing]

What if he don't answer?

- [Rob] Hello?

- Hello Rob!

- [Rob] Who's that?

- Hi, it's Lydia.

- [Rob] Oh are you all right?

- Yeah I'm good how are you?

- [Rob] Yeah, good thanks.

- What you been up to?

- [Rob] Not much, been to the gym, you?

- Not much, not much,

just having a cup of tea with my mum.

- [Rob] Oh right.

- Do you fancy coming to a pool party?

- [Rob] Yeah when?

- Later on today. - [Rob] Yeah.

- Yeah? - [Rob] Yeah, where abouts?

- It's just local,

it's in Essex of course.

- [Rob] Yeah definitely, yeah why not?

Yeah I'm up for that.

- All right then, that's good news then

and I'll see you then, yeah?

- [Rob] All right cool.

- All right then bye.

God mum, that was so awkward.

He didn't know what to say.

- Oh no, you've done it.

He's coming Lydia.

- Having a cup of tea with my mum.

Why did I say that?

[laughing]

- You done it well done.

Give us a kiss.

- Oh I'm so humiliated.

- Well done.

- Oh mate I cannot wait for this pool party.

- Mate. - I'm gonna be

belly flopping in that pool

doing the conga around it, everything.

- I can't wait mate,

it's gonna be so good. - Don't look right yet though

'cause trust me,

when I'm finished with this gaff,

it's gonna look like something out of the ordinary.

I've got beds going around here

like Nikki Beach style Ocean Club.

It's champagne gonna be coming outta that room over there

to my bed like that.

One after the other.

I just can't wait to show people

that I'm back.

Today when this is done,

everyone's gonna know Mark Wright is in the place.

- It's the party of the year.

Everyone's in swimming shorts,

we're all having a laugh.

It's like we're in Spain again, innit?

- There's gonna be ass here, there,

every fucking where. [laughing]

Dunno where Lauren's ass is gonna be

but it ain't gonna be round me.

[laughing]

- I'll be having my man boobs out,

my love handles but I'll still be having girls

at the front and back of me, I promise ya.

- Amy there like that?

- No Mark, she's my friend shut up.

- What you're not gonna her have a little dance with her?

Just say it, c'mon, just admit you're gonna be in that pool,

you and Amy in the middle--

- No Mark, I'm just having--

- You're gonna be, alright.

- I will dance with all different girls.

- Two Sambucas later.

[laughing]

Let's go look at this marquee.

- Come on then.

[doorbell ringing]

- Hiya Lyd.

- Oh hi Amy.

- Can I come in?

- Yeah alright then.

Come in then.

- Thanks.

Thanks Lyd.

- That's okay,

don't be silly. - Lettin' me come round.

So.

- Yeah.

- Let me talk first.

- Yeah of course. - The other day,

you walked in the salon

and it was just, it really upset me

because you know, you and Arg,

it's got nothing to do with me.

I know that he's a friend to me and everything

but nothing is in it, Lyd.

- I think I can see that now,

I think it was just at the time

and there's rumours

and like obviously I was so like paranoid

and like maybe I just read it all completely wrong,

but obviously you know as well as I do

that James has obviously got feelings for you.

- I don't think he does fancy me, Lyd.

I don't think he does.

- D'ya not? - Literally no, he's just--

- Oh I think he does. - He's a flirt.

- I don't mind though.

D'ya know what I don't mind anymore

because I kinda feel like

I've washed my hands of him.

- What does he say to you about me?

Does he say, Amy really fancies me?

If he says all that

then I'm gonna pull him about it.

- Oh no, he don't say Amy fancies me

but he'll say things like

like we'll be arguing

and like I'll say something

like, "Oh I can't believe the way you are."

And he'll be like, "No I don't do anything

"with girls, aw, apart from Amy,

"like I bang her."

He's say things like that.

- He's said that he's banged me?

- Yeah he's say things like that

and that's why I get paranoid.

- Are you lying?

- No that's the sort of things that he says.

- Oh my God.

- Yeah. - He said that?

- Bend her over and all things like that.

Like sayin' things like that

and that's what used to upset me so much.

- Why didn't you tell me Lyd?

I'm gonna mug him right off.

I'm gonna be like how dare you say it to Lydia?

- Yeah.

- I can't believe you come in the salon

and I was just sticking up for Arg.

I'm sorry.

- This is why it was so awkward between us

'cause he used to always make it out

to me that there was something going on

between yous two.

- Wait till I see him.

- I think he's gone asleep.

He's like me ain't he,

sleeping anywhere.

- He takes after his dad.

- Yeah.

- Hello Gemma. - Hello you two,

are you all right?

How are ya?

- You just had your hair done?

You look-- - I have,

I've just had my hair done. - You look really nice!

- Just off to get the nails done.

I'm too excited about the pool party.

- It's gonna be good. - It's gonna be good innit?

And she's djing.

- Are you?

- Yeah. - At the party?

- Yeah. - Oh my god,

it's gonna be amazing.

Is Mick going?

- Yeah, yeah, nah, I think he is gonna go.

- You obviously know I've got a little soft spot for him.

- Yeah a little bit.

- But I don't wanna mug myself

d'ya know what I mean? - What d'ya mean?

- What do you think?

- I think if you like someone, go for it.

I like Lauren and I went for it.

Fucked up a couple of times but I went for it.

- You know he's cleared things up with Chloe now,

he's made it clear that-- - Yes,

he actually made a point to me

and told me that there's nothing going on,

that they're just friends. - Really?!

- Yeah. - Oh my god!

- 'Cause he said someone at, where was we?

Reem Parties, someone at Reem Parties caught his eye.

- D'ya know who it is?

- Nah, who knows, he won't tell me,

he said he's got his eye on someone.

But he's a very secretive man, isn't he?

Have I made you happy, have I?

- Yeah, I feel happy now.

[upbeat music]

- All right babe? - All right?

- How you doing?

- Do I look hot?

- Where you going to, the beach?

- Nah, I'm comin' to your pool party.

- Here we go.

Right, do we really have to go through this again?

I've started the promoting again, I've told ya,

now I'm back, you can't be comin' out.

- What d'ya mean?

- You know you're not comin', right?

You didn't come, you've never come to any of my

parties. - My sister,

everyone's gettin' ready. - I don't care!

- Do you understand? - They're not my friends.

They're not my girlfriend. - D'ya understand?

- They are not my fiancee. - If I told them this,

they would go, "Why you engaged to him?"

- No, they wouldn't! - Everyone's sayin'.

Yes they do. - Listen.

- Wake up, realise. - What you talkin' about?

- I'm a human being. - It's my job.

- I'm your fiancee. - Yeah.

- I'm your partner. - And what?

- Which means, that I come with you

to the party because I want to.

- Yeah you do, that's correct, that's correct.

- Right. - Not to my parties.

You don't.

- Shall I go to someone else' then?

- D'ya think I'm gonna be sittin' here--

- What d'ya think it looks like when I go

to other people's parties and I'm at other people's clubs

and nights out. - Doesn't matter, it's fine.

Their girlfriend won't be there,

their girlfriend will be at my party.

- What is actually your issue?

- Lauren, I don't know why you go into it

and make yourself look silly.

Why do you always go into this?

- What's your issue?

- You know you never come to my party

so why you tryna come to this. - Yeah I do.

- Babe I love you right.

You know that, you're my fiancee, I wanna marry you,

I'm never gonna cheat on you,

I'm not gonna do anything wrong.

I have to go to this party, get this work done.

- I'm embarrassed that everyone's gonna say,

"Where's Lauren?

"I can't believe--" - They know where you are.

- "They just got engaged

"and Lauren's not here." - They know where you are.

- No, can you believe it? - Who cares about them,

they're all jealous. - Can you believe it?

- They all wish I was going home to their bed afterwards.

- Yeah such a great life being with you.

- If I was a stockbroker would you sit on the office floor

while I'm sitting on the phone to someone.

- Completely different situation.

- Why is it?

It's my job. - 'Cause will mates be there

sitting on the floor with them.

- If I was a mechanic, would you be sitting underneath

the car with me, "Hi Marky!" - Why are they there?

- What? - It's a party.

Young women. - You are my fiancee,

and you don't come to my workplace, simple.

Havin' your bird there scares other girls off.

I need to make girls feel comfortable

like they can have a drink with me, duh, duh, duh

I can host a party.

- What you mean is, you can't come so I can't talk

to other girls, girls can't have a drink,

d'ya think I give a shit?

- Lauren, shut up, I'm going all right.

I can't be bothered to have this fuckin' argument again.

We have it all the time,

I thought you would get over it now.

I love ya.

Speak to ya later on.

♪ Ooo

[funky music]

[laughing]

[funky music]

- That's delicious.

- Yeah?

- Cleavage looks beaut.

[funky music]

- What d'ya think of this one?

- That is amazing!

[funky music]

[tropical music]

- This is well good innit?

[tropical music]

Feel like I'm in Marbs.

- Hey!

- Hi girls! - Hey everyone!

[party chatter]

- Party of the year mate.

Well done.

- Here we go boys! - Here we go girls,

bring it on!

- How you doin' girls? [laughing]

- [Hostess] Good!

- Sit down and join us for a drink.

- Ah not that much!

Debbie!

[laughing]

- Who wants to be sprayed?

[cork popping] - Wahey!

[laughing]

- Get that.

- It's all over me ya bastard.

[laughing]

- Come on Pat, go up and get the champagne.

- Come on, go and get us a bottle of Dom Pérignon darling,

up at the bar love.

- Hello! - Hello.

[kiss] - U look lovely!

- Girls we'll see you over the bar.

We'll see you late darlin'

- Yeah we'll catch up with you in a bit, yeah.

Sweet.

[laughing]

- Marg is back in the game.

- Here's another one, y'alright?

- Y'alright? - Good.

Feel like we're Gs at the moment [laughing].

- What you're tryna say, is you can get anyone of these?

- I'm not tryna say I can but I just feel like

after I've had a few drinks,

I'm thinking I'm somethin' I'm not.

- You know Lauren, I love the girl to pieces,

I'm gonna end up with her,

she's gotta understand this is my job.

I ain't a footballer, I ain't a stockbroker.

I'm a promoter.

I deal with girls, I deal with ass,

I'm a host, I'm a promoter,

d'ya know what I mean? - It's not a bad job is it?

- Touch.

- [Chloe] Gem your boobs look well big ain't they?

- 38GG.

- You've got like two hands full, ain't ya?

- Jel.

- Totally jel.

- Well anyway let's talk about me

and more importantly what we're gonna do today girls.

- You wanna snog Mick don't you?

- Yeah I know I think I might do operation Mick today,

or d'ya think I shouldn't?

- What I think you need to do, is take a new approach

and I think that you should like play it cool.

- Okay. - Because you're beautiful,

you look stunning today. - Thank you.

- Don't give him any attention,

he doesn't deserve it unless he's gonna give you attention.

- D'ya know what yeah?

Don't make out you've seen him,

if you pretend like you've not seen him,

then he'll be like--

- [Chloe] Yeah and then

he'll think-- - Tryna catch your eye.

- He'll think we ain't she talkin' to me.

We didn't she come over and like all bubbly,

like you normally are--

- [Maria] Don't! - Just blank him!

- [Maria] And then he'll be confused

and then he'll come running.

- Trust me, you gotta treat him mean to keep him keen.

- [Gemma] To keep him keen. - And it works.

So be a bitch.

- [Maria] That's the rules.

- I don't think I'm gonna talk to him all day now,

I'm gonna be a real bitch.

- Yeah. - Mick, Mick who?

I don't even know who he is.

- That's it, that's it. - Yeah!

- Move forward. - That is the attitude.

[party chatter]

- There's Arg, see you in a minute.

[party chatter]

- Y'alright?

- D'ya know what Arg, not really.

- What's the matter?

- I just think you've totally embarrassed me.

- How have I embarrassed you?

- I spoke to Lyd the other day

and d'ya know what she said to me Arg?

- Go on. - You know what

she said to me? - Go on.

- You've said to her that I've slept with you.

- I have never, ever said to Lydia

that I've slept with you. - What a load of bollocks Arg.

- Amy, I've never ever said to Lydia

that I've slept with you. - First of all, first of all

I don't fancy you.

- All right, first of all, get Lydia here now,

and I'll say to her, "Lydia have I ever told you

"that I've banged Amy?"

And she'll say, "No."

I don't know where

you've got that from. - So why would Lydia say that

then for? - I don't know why.

- I need to be out of this, I'm a more better person

I'd rather be out of your relationship.

I'm not involved in it Arg. - Look, I've never ever

tried gettin' you involved or causing agro for you.

I didn't mean to do that. - Well you obviously have,

haven't you? - No but I haven't Amy,

it's just Lydia, she's like obviously getting a bit paranoid

puttin' two and two together, I've never said

to anyone that anything's ever happened between me and you,

I haven't, I promise ya.

- So all I'm sayin' to you Arg, I'm so pissed off,

you and me are mates--

- I know that. - And now I'm thinkin'

why have I got you as a mate when you're lying to me

about things.

- What am I lying to you about?

- I don't know, I don't know,

you're lying to me about Lyd,

it's all gettin' too much for me.

I don't wanna get fuckin'

involved with it Arg. - I know you don't

so don't get involved. - I'm not gettin' involved

but you're makin' me get involved

by Lydia coming round my house.

- Well than I'll have a word with Lydia

and tell her to leave you alone.

- I'm not gettin' involved with it Arg.

- That's fair enough.

I'm sorry you have but it's not my fault

at the end of the day. - That's fine,

leave it as that.

[dramatic electronic music]

- Good day! - Lovely innit?

Proud of me for puttin' on another good party?

- Yeah fantastic. - You always put on

a good party.

- I never fail to succeed do I?

[laughing]

- All right.

I hope you don't fail to succeed with Lauren.

- I won't, we're gettin' on well,

we're gettin' on well.

- Have you seen her yet?

- She's out for lunch I think.

'Cause it's me puttin' on the party

she never comes to my parties does she

obviously to save grief or whatever else

I've gotta be hosting and doing things

so keep business and my relationship separate really,

d'ya know what I mean?

- You should try involve her more.

- Yeah. - Because she could work

with you, she could work for you or with you

and you could do like--

- It's hard Mum, it's easier said than done, trust me.

- You should be able to get on together now

in situations. - I think if I was her though

I would have put my foot down and said,

"Excuse me, I'm coming--

- Yeah definitely. - Like everyone is here

but her.

- Yeah well, but you know this is work for me,

it's hard for you lot to realise

'cause you're sittin' here havin' a drink

but I'm watchin' things going on,

watchin' them over there happy, sortin' out the door,

sortin' out everything else, it's hard.

You know and this is my job

and I've gotta have 100% concentration.

One row kicks off between me and her

bang, the whole day's ruined.

- Bloody hell, what you doing now?

Treating me?

- What does it look like I'm doing?

No, I'm not treating you.

- Who you tryin' to impress with them?

There's a couple quid there innit?

- Keep it to meself son,

keep it to meself. - Why who they for?

Who they for?

- A friend of mine.

- A friend.

- See if I might catch somebody's eye in a minute.

- Don't need champagne to catch

people's eye. - No I haven't bought it

to catch somebody's eye.

- Start showing them money, that's what they expect.

- Right. - You're a fisherman,

this is your bait.

- Right. - Yeah.

- You're tryna catch her eye with money, really,

that's how you catch the wrong type of girls.

- Everything always comes down to money with you,

bring money into everything,

this isn't about money. - No I know it's not

about money with you but that's how they see it.

- What it is now, you got yourself a girlfriend

and all of a sudden, you're like, in panic mode

that I'm gonna go running off with someone.

- No, find someone!

I want you to find someone.

But you don't need this to find someone.

You are enough to find someone.

You know, yeah.

So I think I'll take a bottle of that.

- No way. - Listen,

I'm helping you out.

I'll take a bottle,

that's six glasses in one bottle.

- Yeah. - Three each.

You can get her drunk on three glasses

then you can do what you want.

But I'll take one of them and I'm gonna go see Lauren.

- You need the glass. - I need the glass.

- I'll get a straw.

- All right then. - All right, thank you.

- See you in a bit.

[upbeat electronic music]

- It's a good party.

- Aw I've had such a good day Mark.

[laughing]

You're definitely back now ain't ya?

- I'm back.

Every single bottle's empty.

[laughing]

- We've literally drunk so much I mean.

- [Mark] No wonder we're on our backs.

- We've made the most out of things

and we've had a good laugh.

- Oh! - She looks amazing.

- I can't even look at him.

- Lydia's with another geezer.

Lydia's just rolled in.

- Y'alright?

How's it going?

Y'alright, nice to meet ya.

- [Debbie] Nice to meet ya.

[heavy breathing]

- I know. - Is it just a friend?

- God knows.

[giggling]

- So listen to me Lydia, James is pretending he's asleep

and Mark's going [mumbles].

- It's fuckin' bollocks.

- Mark I can't deny it, my heart's fuckin' beating.

- Is it?

- Yeah.

- What proper fast? - Proper fast.

Mark, I love her so much.

I proper love her Mark.

- Just relax mate, just relax.

- I've got to say Lyds, and Rob,

yous two would have the hottest babies [laughing].

- She turned up to my best mate's party with another geezer.

- Just no respect.

No respect whatsoever.

Mate if that was me yeah, trust me,

I wouldn't be laying here moping about.

I'd be doing something about it.

- More champagne?

- [Lucy] Yes please Rob!.

[laughing]

- Oh he's lovely.

- Oh Lyd he's so lovely. - Lydia, he's absolutely

gorgeous.

[Lucy] Is he listening?

- [Debbie] He does look like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

- C'mon liven up, forget about it.

- Huh?

- Liven up, forget about it.

Look over there, look,

nice birds everywhere.

What you worryin' about?

- I don't want anyone else Mark.

- Why? - 'Cause I don't.

- [Debbie] Or David Beckham.

- [Lucy] Does he?

What do you want him to look like then?

She bloody likes Piers Morgan.

- All right.

Lyd can we have a chat?

- Okay then, c'mon then.

- Y'aright?

[party chatter]

♪ Ooo

[upbeat electronic music]

[phone ringing]

- Nic? - Where are you?

Why are you not here?

- Mark's sayin' that I can't come.

- [Nic] Why?

- Because he's sayin' once again, "Oh you don't need to come

"it's work."

- Are you havin' a laugh?

It doesn't look like he's workin' to me,

look like he's enjoying himself.

Surrounded by a load of girls,

so get your arse down here now.

- We're now engaged and now he's got comfortable again

and he's got me back, it's like oh I don't need to

I can do what I want now, I can go back to promoting,

I can be how I was, I'm not havin' it,

I'm not going back to that life, no way.

- You're havin' a fuckin' laugh,

he's muggin' you off,

you need to get down here now.

- Well I'm comin', I'm 100% comin'.

- [Nic] All right, see you. - All right, see you soon.

- [Nic] Bye. - Bye.

[phone beep]

- You don't understand how I just felt

watching you and that boy walk in.

How have you just like,

my best friend's pool party,

I just wanna know what is going on,

like why have you just--

- I'm movin' on James. - Yeah but Lyds,

I know it sounds stupid and silly

but I would literally die for you Lydia,

I love you so, so much.

- Yeah but you've got to understand where

it's come from James.

- I can understand Lyd but I just think like

literally I was lying down, sitting there

and my fuckin' heart was beating, it was the worst

thing I've ever, ever felt in my whole life,

I promise ya. - I need someone

to help me get over you.

- I do. - You don't Lydia.

- I'm sorry but I do, I can't ever move on from you,

until I meet somebody else that'll make me realise

how crap we are. - Listen, Lydia,

all I know is yeah, I know deep down

that you do still love me

and I love you more than anything in the world.

- Yeah but James, you've pushed me away for so long,

basically told me that you've slept with Amy before.

- Lydia, I've never told

you I've slept with Amy. - Yes you have.

- I promise you now. - Don't stand here and lie.

- Unless I've been really, really drunk

and I've said it out of spite,

we've had arguments and I've been like,

"Oh I can get this girl, I've gone out with here."

Maybe I did drop Amy's name maybe once, I don't know

but all I'm sayin' to you. - All right now you're telling

the truth.

Now you're telling the truth.

- But I've cut the argument

I've never slept with Amy okay?

- Listen to me now, okay,

I can not think of anything worse than getting back

into a relationship with you.

Never ever would I ever want to put myself

in that position anymore and go through hurt

that I've gone through.

Of course I love you, I can't just turn them feelings off

after three years, I can't just all of a sudden go,

"Okay I don't love James anymore."

- I just know that deep down we are soul mates

and we're best friends. - No we're not.

- And I know that we could work things out

and get back together and be happy again.

- What is the point James?!

- 'Cause I love you so much Lydia!

I will never, ever, ever do anything to fuck you off again.

- How many times?

- Please I love you so much. - Answer my question,

how many times have I heard this?

[deep breaths]

- Oh Lyd, fuckin' hell,

Lyd I know one day. - No I don't wanna talk

about it. - One day we'll be

back together, I promise ya.

I love you so much Lyd.

- I don't even wanna talk about this anymore.

[deep breaths]

[upbeat electronic music]

- What the fuck's going on with her bell?

- What d'ya reckon of everyone here?

What d'ya reckon of the girls over there?

- I'm not into girls d'ya know that?

- Yeah but can't you be bi?

- No. - Why?

- 'Cause that's just greedy and I'm not into girls.

[laughing]

- You know how to look good with boys don't ya?

- Yeah course.

- Just gotta look well cool.

- [Harry] And fly. - Yeah.

D'ya know what I mean like always have your glasses,

if you don't, don't ever take your glasses off either,

I'll never take my glasses off, always be like that.

- Yeah. - D'ya know what I mean?

- Always lookin' around.

Seein' what's about. - And always pout as well

like.

Go like like that.

And then like, bang.

- Yeah.

- If you want to, if you can, you've gotta learn this one,

you've gotta take off with one hand, look.

- Yeah.

- And slip them up, wait, uh I gotta learn that one.

[laughing]

- Nearly got that one down.

- Nah you learn that one yeah.

- D'ya not ever look at boys and go hmm yeah.

- Nah, not at all, I can't do that.

I can look at myself and call myself fit in the mirror

but not any other boys.

So weird.

D'ya think I've got a gay look?

- You dress quite gay.

- Yeah but all the girls

love it though. - But you can tell

you're not.

You groom yourself. - Yeah.

- You groom yourself. - But I think it's good look.

- I've got the, I call it the gay powers.

- The gay powers?

- And--

- Really?

What, so what am I thinking now?

- Nah, I'm not psychic.

- Oh. - But, I can just tell

if someone's gay or not.

- Oh by just lookin-- - I don't even have to meet

'em and I know they are.

- Can you tell who's a lesbian?

- I don't think so.

- D'ya reckon Sam's a lesbian?

- No. - I reckon she is,

I reckon she's snogged a girl before.

[laughing]

- You having a brilliant time Maria?

- Yeah it's really good. - Ah it's the best.

It's like kick starting us off

for the summer isn't it? - [Maria] I know!

I know! - I might ask Mick

if he wants a drink.

- [Maria] Yeah buy him a drink [laughing].

- D'ya think he'd be up for it?

I think he will!

- On your break now?

Been djing really good today.

- I know I've been working all day.

- You've done really well, it's really good.

- Oh thank you.

- I think I've just gotta front him with the question

and then see what he says, d'ya know what I mean?

- Yeah.

- Something I gotta do.

- Ah is he going fishing?

- No I'm not going fishing but I think I've just plucked up

enough courage to go and do this.

- Who is it? - What?!

- Who is it?

Who is it?

- I'll see you in a little while.

- [Maria] He's comin' over.

- Oh my god, he's bringing me champagne!

Oh my god!

- [Maria] Keep cool.

- How you doing Nic, you all right?

- [Nic] Yeah, you? - Yeah.

Sittin' here on your own.

- I know, yeah I'm fine you?

- [Mick] Yeah it's a nice party innit?

- [Nic] Yeah it's lovely.

It's been really nice.

- Nicola! - Oh Nicola!

You know what, he's made a coupla mistakes,

good for him now, d'ya know what I mean?

- [Mick] Thought I'd bring this drink over

and you might wanna have a drink with me, is that all right?

- Yeah it's fine. - Yeah?

- Yeah, thank you.

- Whatever innit.

- I'll open this all right? - Yeah, it's fine.

- Cool.

[cork popping] Wahey!

[laughing]

- [Maria] Don't let him see you cry.

D'ya wanna swap sides?

Don't let him see you cry.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

- Look, Gemma's upset.

Oh no! - Oh my god!

- Well my dad ain't done nothing wrong,

he's never said anything to her has he,

to lead her on?

- Oh dear!

- [Maria] Don't be upset.

D'ya like him that much?

- What star sign are ya?

- Capricorn. - Oh are ya?

What month is that?

- Just that he's had the cheek to do that,

d'ya know what I mean?

I need to toughen up.

I just wear my heart on my sleeve all the time

and I get hurt.

- Don't get hurt.

- I'm not a horrible person Maria,

I don't expect to be mugged off like that.

I'll never speak to him again,

he's mugged me. - Good.

- Sod it, I'm over it, let's have a drink.

I'm totally so over this now.

I feel better now, yeah.

- [Maria] Let's get you a drink.

- Right, I'll have a wine.

[upbeat electronic music]

[laughing]

[upbeat electronic music]

[cheering]

- Good party innit?

You enjoyin' it girls?

- [Girls] Cheers!

Woo!

[laughing]

- Well done Mark.

- [Nic] Oh Lauren!

- [Mick] Hi Lauren.

- Where have you been?

Where on earth have you been?

- She's not lookin' happy. - I'm absolutely fuming!

- [Nic] Where have you been?

- Shit Lauren's here.

I'm not doing nothing wrong, I'm just havin' a dance.

- So fuckin' angry, he's over there, dancing with the girls,

I'm now his fiancee. - [Mick] D'ya want a drink?

- How dare he?

Thank you Mick. - Cheers darling.

- Thank you. - You look lovely babe.

- Mwah!

That's what I needed.

- What the fuckin' hell has she turned up for?

Why has she turned up?

- I'm so angry with him.

- [Nic] Calm down-- - I've got no feelings

for that boy ever again.

No feelings for you.

No feelings.

D'ya know what I mean, I missed out on such a beautiful day

and Mark looks like a fuckin' prick in a white jacket

like Ken.

[laughing]

What a fuckin' mug. - Oh no.

- So many dramas going on don't you think

with everyone? - I know,

don't you think we're probably the most happiest couple

out of everyone.

You got Arg and Lydia going mad at each other.

Mark and Lauren having rows all the time,

breakin' up, gettin' back together,

and then you got me and you,

ain't we?

- Nice isn't it?

- All the things in the past that happened with

all the other boys,

all the other boys.

- But Mark?

- Mark, you weren't even boyfriend and girlfriend,

that's what I don't understand.

- I wasn't his girlfriend so.

- I know.

- I'm happy now actually.

- You happy you got a boyfriend?

- Yeah, I don't like not having a boyfriend.

- D'ya like being with me?

- Yeah.

- I hope you're happy, you're happy yeah?

- Yeah.

- Yeah?

I'm happy I'm with you.

I wanna know if you love me or not.

- Why, I've only been going out with you two minutes.

- Two minutes?

- Excuse me, we're at a public party.

- Sorry.

- D'ya like havin' me as your boyfriend?

- Yes, yes.

- Do ya?

- Stop asking loadsa questions.

You know I'm happy.

- I think we're really gonna go far, come here.

Give me a kiss.

[kissing]

- Aw.

[party chatter]

- What are you doing?

- What am I doing?

I tell you something now.

I've been indoors by myself,

everyone else is here, all in relationships,

and I'm your fiancee.

- Because I'm working. - I'm your fiancee.

- I'm working. - Working?!

I know exactly what you've been doing all day long.

My sister been texting me, he's with this girl,

he's with that girl, he's in the pool.

D'ya think-- - Ask her if I've done

anything wrong. - You're the biggest mug

of the area, d'ya know that?

- What you talking about, you prick?

- You've got the best girl-- - You idiot.

- I'm so loyal, I'm so loyal and faithful to you,

how dare you,

how dare you scream at me-- - What have I done wrong?

What have I done wrong? - Like a piece of shit.

How dare you? - What have I done wrong?

What have I done wrong? - What have you done wrong?

What have I done wrong, ask your sister

if I've done anything. - Are you satisfied with

yourself keeping me indoors all day?

How d'ya feel? - I didn't know

I thought you was out having a drink.

- How d'ya feel? - I thought you was out

havin' a drink. - Out for a drink

when everyone's here?

All my friends and family-- - Lauren, Lauren,

I'm working, once again, what did I say?

This is why you don't come

to parties. - Work?!

Is this work? - Look what you've done,

you're causing agg. - What have I done?

What have I done?

- Everyone of these people are not coming

to my parties no more. - Who are they then?

Who are they?

- They're people who have

come to the party. - The people come.

So why would you not be here, dancing.

- I ain't done

one thing wrong with a girl. - D'ya not think I'm gonna

get bored of you?

D'ya not think I'm gonna get bored and look for better?

- Get up and walk away from me,

see what happens. - Who the fuck are you

talking to?

- You're a prick. - Who you talking to?

- You're acting like an idiot.

- I'm acting like an idiot?

Go on then.

- Right, let me tell you one thing,

you've turned up here, doing exactly what,

listen this is my business, and you fuckin' walked in here

screaming and shouting like a lunatic.

Making yourself look like an idiot.

In front of everyone.

What have I done wrong? - Even Nanny Pat

and your mum. - What have I done wrong

all day? - And I can't come?!

- What have I done wrong all day?!

What have you done wrong all day?

You tell me you're working! - Stop shouting.

Why you lettin' everyone know?

All these people don't need to know about our row.

Why you lettin' everyone know?

This is why you don't come to my parties,

'cause you've just hit the nail on the head

this is why you're not coming no more.

- Okay, shut up!

What means more to you, your business or me?

- You.

- And that is your--

- Obviously you do. - I've been indoors--

- If you said to me,

drop your business. - I've been indoors

all day long, upset, crying,

when you've been partying with girls

that you've been with.

Go on.

- Let me just say one thing yeah.

You're the person I'll spend the rest of my life with

and you know that, right.

I love you to bits, I'm coming home tonight,

whose bed am I'm going in?

No let me speak.

- Oh I've had such a-- - If you don't let me finish,

I'm going back over there. - Great thing being with

Mark Wright.

Such a great life.

- What you talkin' about? - 'Cause I get to stay at home

all the time.

It's so fun, people don't realise

how shit it is. - You're out all the time.

- No I'm not out,

it's so shit. - You sound like an idiot.

- It's shit. - Fuck off.

- It's boring and shit. - Fuck off then.

[screams]

- See you're the biggest mug now shut your face,

all right, shut up!

[laughing]

♪ It was the perfect dream

♪ Nothing we could have been

♪ But it's all over now

- [Announcer] Remember, these people are real

and their lives will carry on in the same way

over the summer.

- James!

- Oh my god!

[laughing]

- [Announcer] We'll pick up with them in the autumn,

when you can bet your bottom dollar,

they'll be doing things like this.

[laughing]

- Tense up!

- [Announcer] And this.

- Hiya!

- [Announcer] And not forgetting this.

- Oy shut up you.

- You fucking shut up. - You're just a fucking extra,

all right? - I'm a extra?!

- [Announcer] Because anything can happen

on The Only Way is Essex.

- Oy, my hair is looking reem.

♪ The only way is up

♪ Baby

♪ For you and me now

♪ The only way is up

♪ Baby

♪ For you and me now

♪ The only way is up

♪ Baby

♪ For you and me now

♪ Ooo

[trumpets blowing]