Original subtitles

- [Narrator] This programme contains flashy cars, big watches

and a royal sausage plait.

The tans you see might be fake,

but the people are all real.

Although some of what they do has been set up purely

for your entertainment.

Previously on "The Only Way is Essex."

- I've got a feeling

that it might be Amy, the rumours.

- Do you think he fancies me though, like that?

- [Woman] Yeah.

- I'm so in love with Mick.

[upbeat electronic music]

- She ain't talking to me, Jess.

- You must sort it out, Mark.

[upbeat electronic music]

♪ The only way is up baby

♪ For you and me now

- You're well hungover aren't you?

- A little bit, are you?

- No. You was drinking?

- Yeah I was drinking, but not like greedy,

drinking everything in sight.

Like you, stumbling around with your ring girls.

You spent like half an hour with me

throughout the whole night.

- You a bit jel about that, ain't ya?

- No I'm not jealous at all.

- You're a little bit jel.

[joey laughs]

- Get off.

You were so drunk and annoying.

- Was I? - Yeah.

Think of all the wrong things

you've done in the weeks

we've actually been boyfriend and girlfriend.

- What?

What have I done?

- You've been a really shit boyfriend.

[laughing] - Shut up.

- You are.

- Oh my god.

I spoke to Mark, I went to him, "Oh yeah, like,

"your sister's working with me now, isn't she?

"She's like the it girl with the ring girls."

You could see in his face he was like,

he said he's gonna have to have a word

with her or something.

- Why d'you reckon he went?

I reckon he went 'cause he wanted to see

if your party was bigger, better than his.

- And it was. - It was better.

- Well jel.

I've overtook Essex now,

I mean really, he won't ever get to where I am.

- Big head.

[laughing]

[cheerful rock music]

- [Harry] So A, what you think of the hair then?

- Do you know what babe?

I think it looks lovely,

but I'm so used to seeing you with blonde, babes.

- [Harry] No that's not me, I can't get used to the colour.

Like so what, I'm bit of a fairy sometimes

it just, it doesn't make sense

I've got brown hair and I'm a bit ditzy.

People think I'm quite smart and I'm not.

- Do you know what babes?

It's actually looking really good in here.

- It is, who's excited for the weds?

- It's quite a big thing, innit, really?

- [Harry] It is really nice.

- Yeah.

- Next thing you know,

you've got Kate walking in asking for a spray tan.

[laughing]

- All right Amy, how you doing love?

How funny, if Kate walked in here,

straightaway, you know what id say to her?

- [Harry] What?

- You need a vajazzle darling.

- She's does, doesn't she?

'Cause at her wedding,

she's gonna go for that quite classic look, isn't she?

- [Amy] Underneath the dress,

she's got a massive vajazzle.

- Big union jack vajazzle.

[laughing]

- But couldn't you imagine them

getting the rave on though?

Could you imagine them having like big disco, like?

[laughing]

- Y-M-C-A.

[laughing]

[mumbling]

[cheerful pop music]

- Good night, last night weren't it?

- Yeah it was all right.

In the end. - [Mark] Getting a bit--

- Your sister had a good time.

- Getting a bit comfortable with old Joseph.

[laughing]

It's almost like he's like,

seen me get engaged, sat there and gone,

"Yes, it's my turn to take his crown."

- It's what he's always wanted though, isn't it?

- Of course, but let me tell ya,

I've got to be back out,

mingling with the girls round me.

And, you know, that's my job

and that's what I do best.

Dealing with the female sex.

- So where do I come into this?

What do I get out of it?

- You get big houses.

You get watches, cars.

- That doesn't mean anything,

I'd rather live in a shed and be happy.

- Babe, you will be happy.

Don't say that, you will be happy.

- But I don't want all that,

because you got, it's like you've been a prostitute.

That's what I feel like.

You going out. - Oh shut up.

- That's what you're acting like.

It's like you go out, I'll be with all the girls

and that's how I bring in the money.

Basically what it is.

You're just telling me that regardless of how I feel

about everything you're just gonna go ahead

and do what you want.

- I'm sorry to say but that's part and parcel

of being Mark Wright's girlfriend, fiance now.

- You're boring me with this conversation, seriously.

- You've gotta deal with that all your life.

- All right well I'm not happy about it

and I don't really bother about talking about it.

- Listen, Mark Wright is missed in Essex.

Everyone's sitting at home, "Oh please Mark just come back."

- Oh my God shut up.

[upbeat music]

- What's going on here?

- Hello, I'm painting your room.

- [Lauren] Why aren't you topless?

- Would you want me to be topless?

- Yeah. - I will in a minute.

I need to work up a sweat.

I'm gonna put like, have a makeup table in here.

- [Lauren] Yeah.

- Chester drawers, so you can put all your

hair extensions in.

Got a big mirror, yeah, with all the lights around it.

Table for you. - Oh like a dressing room?

- Yeah.

- What? - It's all gonna be pink.

But is this a good colour?

- Yeah, it's a lovely colour.

- You sure? - What is that colour called?

- Pink, I asked them to match the closest colour

to candy floss.

- Aw, you've proper like put a lot of thought into this

haven't you? - 'Cause I love ya.

- Aw, I love ya too.

- Thank you.

I need to make a man's room for me.

- Yeah 'cause you can't really come and chill out

in my pink boudoir.

- Might when you're not here, put on your clothes.

- We discussed this didn't we,

with your willy tucked in.

- Don't say willy, 'cause it makes it sound small.

- Well it is small.

- Lauren, that was the only thing I had going for me,

is my big willy. [Lauren laughing]

- Hey babe. - Pimms?

- Yeah. - Lovely.

- Your favourite drink.

- Actually champagne is, but this is probably second best.

[laughing]

[people chatting faintly in background]

It's nice.

- I was gonna say, obviously like [mumbling]

Obviously like we're boyfriend and girlfriend now

so I was gonna say like,

I wanna come with you.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- I feel really bad, but I think it's more of a girl thing.

You can come about,

but I just think you shouldn't really come with me

and my friends.

- I'm gonna go, understand, anyway,

but I was just saying

'cause I thought I'd ask you first anyway,

if I could go with you.

But obviously not, so.

- You're too dry for my girls.

- What do you mean dry?

- Like you haven't got the banter about you.

- I reckon you want me to come you're just saying that.

- Well that's not the case.

- Oh yes, I promised Harry actually that I was gonna go

pick a car out with him, he wants to get a Mini didn't he?

- How come you're going with Harry and not me?

- Because he likes me more than you.

- Harry's my mate.

- He's my mate as well.

- Well no, he's actually my friend.

- Yeah well obviously.

- What, you stealing my friends now?

So now Harry's going car choosing with you,

shouldn't that be with me?

- We're boys.

- Whatever, well then.

- [Man] What's the time? - Getting late.

Go and choose your car with Harry.

- Well gimme a kiss.

- Go on then. - A proper kiss.

See ya later.

- Right what else do we need?

- Now, well as long as we got the crisp and the wine

why worry about anything else.

[laughter]

Oh yeah look, see I said that didn't I?

- [Jessica] Oh God, look at these cups,

certainly a lovely

cup of tea out of that, Nan? - Oh lovely, yeah.

I like this, this is good.

- Well done.

Careful, you might mess up your hair, Nan.

[laughter]

- You remember the queen's wedding?

- Well I can remember the Coronation.

I can remember that, we had a street party for that.

- What are you going to be doing this for then,

Nan, the food? - [Carol] What are you making?

- Natural, I'm going to make a nice, royal sausage plait.

- [Jessica] Royal sausage plait?

- [Nan] A roll sausage plait. - [Jessica] Oh, what's

all that about, then?

- You gotta make two, 'cause Mark's coming.

I'm inviting Mark along.

- He'll have one on his own, he will, wouldn't he?

[phone ringing]

- Hello?

- [Mick] Hi Chloe it's Mick.

- Hi Mick, how are you?

- [Mick] I'm fine, it's always nice

when it's a lovely day like this.

- Yeah, it's lovely today.

- Just checking, did you enjoy the ring party

the other night?

- Yeah, it went really well, loved it.

Sweet kid.

- Good, I know it's a bit random, a bit short notice,

do you fancy catching up for a coffee later on?

For a chat?

- [Chloe] Today?

- Yeah is that okay?

- Yeah, I suppose I can change a few thing around.

Yeah, okay.

- Okay cool, I'll catch up with you

this afternoon then.

- All right then Mick, bye.

[car starts]

- So we got this royal wedding coming up.

What do you reckon, you're gonna watch it with me?

Are we gonna do a street party or something like that?

Or what?

- My mum's putting on some royal wedding party

at her house.

- To be honest I couldn't give two monkeys

about the royal wedding, and now we getting an extra

bank holiday or something like that.

But apart from that I'm not really too fussed about it.

Are you? - I dunno.

I haven't really thought about it either,

but I got more important things in my head

now at the moment.

- Well what you got in your head?

- I'm arranging some fat pool party.

Now I'm coming back with a bang.

Joey Essex, eat this.

- What you mean a fat pool party?

- I'm talking exactly what I do in Marbella.

I'm taking champagne sprays, [laughter]

Playboy bunnies walking about.

Back to Mark Wright style.

If you was gonna bring a date, who would it be?

- Look, if I was gonna bring a date,

then probably at this moment in time would be Amy.

- She fancies you?

- A little bit, probably.

- Fuck, you know she's got dog shit in her eyes.

[laughter]

Nah I'm joking. - I'm joking as well.

She's been like, nice company for me isn't she?

But obviously you're with Lauren, you're engaged.

- I'm gonna put you in a little scenario.

You're in the pool, you're drinking champagne all day long,

just getting dark, Amy gets into the pool,

you're in there, walks up towards ya.

It's the shallow end so the tits are just floating like

on top of the water, they're like buoys when you get out

at sea when you're jet skiing, yeah?

She walks up to ya, grabs your balls, gives 'em a rub.

[laughter]

Do you stop there, or do you do anything?

Tell me the truth. - Mark.

- I'm asking you a question.

You got something about this friendship,

I'm asking you a question.

Exactly, there's the answer. - I don't wanna talk about it.

One little thing I'm concerned about.

- What?

- It's gonna be a pool party,

and we're walking around all day long

everyone's gonna see me.

Like I don't even take off my top in front of you.

What's it gonna be like in front of everyone else?

- You jump in, the water's gonna jump out.

[laughter]

- You bastard.

Right, for that I'm gonna be doing running bombs

and everything.

- There's gonna be champagne only,

there's gonna be birds, London birds, Essex birds,

fake tits, real tits, fat asses, small asses.

Fuck it, we're gonna have the best day ever son.

- What about my top, I can't go topless.

- Fuck the top.

[laughter]

You had you're fucking tits out the last time.

- Come on, fucking come on.

[laughter]

[upbeat music]

[rock music]

- How 'bout a breath now?

- That was easy.

So how you been then, Lyd?

- Yeah, I been all right, it's just the whole

James cheating on me, and like,

like obviously I been seeing how close

him and Amy been getting recently.

It's just got me like thinking about so many things.

There's more to just a friendship with them two.

And, I dunno--

- It doesn't make sense, does it?

- No, it doesn't make sense.

- You can't put two and two together.

- Exactly. - It just doesn't make sense.

- And it's just kind of eating me away a bit.

And I just think I just need to get to the bottom of things.

- [Ellie] So what you gonna do then Lyd?

- I just think really now,

I don't wanna keep talking about it

to everyone else, I just think I should confront Amy

and just get it from the horse's mouth.

[playful music]

- So why have you got the Union jack?

- Because of the royal wedding,

and I wanna prove to Mick

that I can be his royal princess.

- Ohh.

- And she wants a bit of sexy time with Mick

she's gonna show her vajazzle.

[laughter]

Oi oi, Mick!

- [Gemma] I'll bet Mick's proper old fashion now.

- What in the bedroom?

- [Paloma] Or do you think he's filth?

- Gem!

- I would just like to go on a dinner date with Mick,

'cause I think, he's getting out a bottle of Champlain

from a bottle that's on sale.

Do you know what I mean?

- [Amy] What?

- Wine, the wine Amy.

- So is he getting out a bottle of LPR

to a bottle of Lambrini, girl?

- I know.

I think I'm just gonna have to go for it.

I've had my hair done for Mick.

I've had my tan done for Mick.

Oh my God, I baked Mick an apple pie.

- Lovely, oh my God, did you?

- I so wanna like, do him a lamb curry as well,

'cause I asked him, I saw him the other day

and he said that he does like lamb

and he loves curry.

And I want to put like all the cardamom in there

and do it all properly for him.

- Cardamom?

- Yeah, some like spice.

I would love to like marinate his lamb chops,

do you know what I mean?

- Gem, you dirty cow.

[laughter]

- [Harry] Joey, this car's real nice isn't it?

Or should it be that one?

- [Joey] I love that car.

- [Harry] Do you love it? - [Joey] Yeah.

- Bit out of the price range though.

- What about white, do you like white?

- I love white cars.

- That's what I wanna get.

- Do ya?

- Well I've got one. - You got a white car though,

you've got a smart car?

- Oh yeah.

I can walk on the ring machine.

- [Harry] Why do you suppose that for?

- I don't know really,

'cause I sort of went for like the Ken look.

I thought that that was like a little toy boy car isn't it?

- Yeah.

- And I thought, obviously, I need to find my barbie

and now I found her, so.

- You found your barbie big time.

Definitely.

- Afternoon chaps.

- Afternoon, I'm Harry.

- Joey.

- [Salesman] You're here looking for a car I take it?

- Today, I'm looking for a car.

I love sportin' a Mini,

'cause obviously it was my first car, so.

Just a nice simple car would be brilliant for me.

- I think we might well have the car for you.

- Brilliant.

[people chattering]

- I'm really proud of Joey.

- Yeah, I think he done really well.

I can't believe it.

I just hope he can do it week in and week out.

'Cause that'll be good for him.

- He will, definitely.

- It's all good.

Anyway, the reason why I asked you to coffee with me,

or have a little chat, and thanks for coming.

I just really,

you're obviously a beautiful girl, and I, you know,

lovely hair, lovely figure, lovely smile

and everything else. - Spit it out Mick.

[laughter]

I know that's not why you brought me here.

- No, no I mean it, I think you're a really lovely girl.

But, I feel pressured from everyone around me.

Their always asking questions,

how are you with Chloe, are you not with Chloe?

'Cause we're seen together a few times.

I just really wanted to say to you that,

as much as you are a beautiful girl and all that,

I'm not looking for a relationship with ya,

I'm just, I seem to of,

sort of got a friendship going with you

and I'm quite pleased with that.

- [Chloe] Yeah, I know.

- I hope I haven't offended you by saying that.

- No, of course not.

- I would just like to be your friend.

'Cause I haven't really got any friends like that,

that I can talk to, like I've spoke to you about, so.

- Aw, Mick.

- I was bit worried about coming here

and saying that to you, to be honest with you.

- You shouldn't have been worried about it.

I don't, I don't look at you in that way, anyway.

Now like we both know, we're on the same page.

And that, there's nothing to worry about.

But you shouldn't have been worried about that anyway.

[laughter]

Chill Mick, it's fine, we're not gonna get married.

- [Mick] We're not?

- I'm not in love with you, I promise.

- You wasn't worried I was gonna like,

bring a ring out from under the table,

or anything like that? [mumbles]

- No but I was worried Gemma might fly around the corner

with an apple pie. [laughs]

- There was somebody I had my eye on yesterday,

I'm not gonna say too much, but.

- Really?

- Yeah, there was just someone who just,

I dunno for some reason, bit of a natural attraction to her.

- Do I know her?

- [Mick] I don't know if you do know her or not.

- Might be able to give you some advice.

I give it to Joey all the time.

- Do you, well he's doing all right by you.

- Yeah.

- We was in the garden sun bathing and he goes to me,

oh we're boyfriend and girlfriend now,

he like, oh I just wonder if I could come

to Mark's with you [mumbles]

And I felt really bad, I felt like I was being really nasty,

but I wasn't.

For him to come with me, and six girls,

in an apartment.

As much as a like him and stuff he's,

Joey's like round every single day isn't he?

And now he's asked to spend the whole day,

makes me think like, are thing's moving a bit too fast?

- I think sometimes you know, you might kill it a bit

if you're spending so much time together.

You've only sort of known each other a little while.

Then you don't still have much to look forward to,

the excitement goes.

And if you see someone everyday when you first start dating,

you don't really get that feeling

like butterflies do you?

Getting a bit too comfortable you see.

[imitating a car]

[honking]

- Beep, beep!

I actually love this car, do you know that?

I can see this being my car.

I can see my driving home in this.

- Yeah, I'm well excited for you, I think it's wicked.

But when you drive around, you gotta,

pull a pose like that.

- If it's gonna be my car it's gotta be my car.

- It's gotta a bit of glam in it.

Oh my God, that's gonna suit you proper.

What does that do, does that? [laughs]

- Where would you put it?

- That's massive, won't be able see out the window.

- Where would you put it?

Would you out it there?

Oh no, you stick in inside--

- How you gonna see out the window?

Oop.

There you go.

- Joey, this feels like my car.

- Buy it, now.

- I need to get a licence though, don't I, big time?

- Yeah, why you come to get a car

if you haven't got a licence?

- Here you go. - Thank you.

- [sighs] You all right?

You have a good night?

- Yeah, what happened to you?

You left early didn't you?

- Mark got a bit jealous. [laughs]

- What, being it someone else's night?

Really?

- Very competitive.

He wants to get back in to it, I think.

- In to what?

- [Lauren] Start writing again.

- Does he really need to do that?

'Cause I know what you were like then.

You was insecure,

and every time he use to go on his nights

he used to row because he wouldn't let you go down there

and you wanted to go down there.

And then you'd like not talk for days.

And I just think is it really worth it?

To go through all that again?

- I don't know.

- Do you 100% trust Mark?

- I do, yeah.

- 100%? - 100%.

- Bloody liar.

- I 100% do, 100%. - Do you trust him?

- Yes, I do.

'Cause I know Mark,

I know that hold I have over him

and I know how much I mean to him.

He wanted the commitment, not me.

So.

- Oh well hope you're right then.

[car door slams]

[upbeat electronic music]

- No I just thought I'd come here today

'cause obviously you know as well as I do

it's been really awkward between us at the moment.

- [Amy] Yeah. - [Lydia] Maybe I should just

come here today and we can just talk about things.

- Do you want to sit down?

- Yeah go for it.

Look I'm shaking.

- Why are you shaking?

- I just feel like obviously I really, I'm so confused.

I just don't know like if there is something going on

with you and James.

I don't know what it is.

But when yous two are together

you're so tactile with each other.

And for me to stand there-- - What do you mean tactile?

- Tactile like you're just very like touchy feely

with each other and like very flirtatious with each other.

- I am a flirtatious person

but me and James are really close.

I've got a soft spot for James.

- Exactly.

- He's a really good friend to me,

we have such a laugh.

You know went out the other night and we come in

for weight loss treatment,

yeah we do have a laugh, we do flirt with each other.

But it's not, that's what everyone does,

do you know what I mean? - But I just feel like,

when we're actually together,

yous two don't spend loads of time together.

Now we've broke up--

- So you think that I'm just gonna get on,

like go with him straight away?

I'm not like that I would never do that to you.

- Well that's what I'd hope to think.

This is what I'd hope to think, and this is why

I'm a bit disappointed. - You and James,

you one minute say to me,

you one minute say I don't want to be with James

and then you do, it's like you're leading him on as well.

And just 'cause he's got another girl talking to me,

like talking to me, you don't like it.

- Yeah I don't like it because I think

any girl wouldn't like that.

I think after three weeks I wouldn't really like the thought

of him talking to another girl.

- I feel sorry for Arg in a way, Lyd.

I think he needs a bit of flirting at the minute.

Not being with you.

- I think that's a bit of a stupid comment to make really.

He needs a bit of flirting. - I like you Lyd,

I like you a lot.

But I'm not doing it just to wind you up.

Do you know what I mean?

If you think that I'm gonna do it to wind you up,

then I'm a better person than that.

- Then you said that you, you said,

you turned round and said

that you have got a soft spot for him.

- Did you come in here to have a go at me?

- I've got a problem with you because you've turned around

and said you've got a soft spot

and yous two are really flirtatious with each other.

I haven't got a problem with James

flirting with girls. - You're just saying

that you're a flirtatious person.

Yeah I am, but you're saying that it's really bad,

is it bad to do that?

No it isn't bad to do that. - It is bad to do that

when their ex-girlfriend-- - James is not with you.

- Yeah but we've been together for three years Amy.

We've been together for three years,

there's still feelings there.

You can't flirt, you're thinking there's nothing wrong

with flirting with somebody.

- Don't come to my salon, start having a go at me.

- I'm not having a go at you.

I've come here to get answers Amy and I think after--

- Get answers about what though, about me and James?

Me and James are friends. - Yeah about the way

yous two act together.

If it's that there's nothing in it

and you don't actually fancy him

then just please just be more sensitive towards my feelings.

- Yeah well I could sit in there going

yeah I do fancy him, I've been flirting with him,

I could have right problems, but I don't fancy him Lyd.

- You're flirting with him

and I feel like you're rubbing things in Amy.

- I don't - [Lydia] Yes you do.

And like with the whole-- - Sorry.

- [Lydia] You'll sit there and tweet things

and stuff like that.

- What just saying that,

right Twitter, right, is all about what you're doing.

Sorry that I'm with James you know what I mean?

Yeah but you're saying-- - Having a good night.

He came round for a drink the other night with my mum.

It was me, my mum,

me, mum, James and my aunty, we sat down,

nothing in it. - I'm sitting there watching,

you know that I'm upset and hurt about anyway

and you tweeted having dinner with real James Argent.

James obviously feels really uneasy,

'cause afterwards he tweeted,

he's obviously sitting there thinking,

oh my god Lydia's gonna be sitting at home reading that

thinking what's going, what's going on?

As if I'm moving on. - And then five minutes later,

- [Lydia] And then he tweets later,

saying with everyone else to try and make me--

- Well that shows yous twos immaturity.

So glad that I'm not immature.

- I think, well you are immature

because you're obviously causing more trouble aren't you?

- Well obviously not.

- Well,

It's obviously not sorted anything so,

get on with what you gotta do.

- Whatever.

[upbeat rock music]

- Oh well you've done yourself proud there.

Especially with the letters on it, K and W.

- [Nan] Yeah look K and W. - [Carol] Fantastic.

- [Nan] I know.

- Oh, I'm really looking forward to today, I can't wait.

All the family. - All the family,

everyone's gonna come.

- Let's hope it's all smooth,

- [Nan] Yes it will-- - And let's just hope

it's all like, happy family

like it used to be. - It's got to be.

Everyone's coming yeah.

- Should be really good fun. - Yeah, it should be good.

- I've got some really good music as well,

all the old time music.

- [Nan] That's it. - Vera, what's her name?

- Vera Lynn. Vera Lynn,

I've got all her music. - Yeah, we'll meet again.

Yeah that's it.

- Have a good old knees up and jolly drink.

- Jolly bit of a drink, yeah.

[laughing]

We should've got you some champagne,

you get drunk on champagne don't you?

- Oh yeah, that was a long, long while ago.

[laughing]

- So you're looking forward to lunch then?

- Wouldn't say looking forward to it.

I am, but I'm sort of also worried.

- I mean Lauren there's not,

what I want you to get out of your head now

there's not that much on an incident that's happened.

There's been some words exchanged, fair enough.

But let's just go in there and have a nice day, yeah?

- Yeah no,

you've just completely jumped down my throat again.

Obviously it's clearly not me the one with the issue,

obviously I'm nervous because I want it to be good.

I've had a meeting with your mum,

I've told her how I feel.

I've been really nice, I've been nothing but positive.

I've not argued back or said anything horrible.

Where if I was another girl,

they'd probably tell her where to go.

- You know how important it is for me obviously.

I'm close to my family,

and I want, you know especially my future wife.

It's very important that

you're close with the family. - But you can't tell me that,

because it's not me

with the issue. - I know that.

And I know that,

and I told them that but what I want to tell you is,

we're going to go in there today like nothing's happened.

That's all I'm saying.

- Of course like I always do.

- All right, cool.

Let's just go, have a bit of lunch, have a drink

and just forget. - And don't worry if I wanna

have a drink, either.

- Just forget anything's ever happened.

- Do you not moan at me if I want to have a drink?

'Cause then that makes us bicker

then your mom will start giving the looks of

ooh you're rowing again, so just chill.

Let me do what I want, - [Mark] Cool, all right.

- For once.

- Me and Arg, hello.

- Who does she think she is like seriously?

- Right the thing is here,

Lydia's thinking it's your fault

when really it's all Arg's fault.

- Thank you.

- Lydia's the biggest flirt out of everyone I know.

And you're not that silly

to do anything with Arg.

Well why would you want to do anything with Arg anyway.

- Arg, I've never fancied Arg.

I have a laugh with him, that's all.

- Arg is stirring up so much shit recently,

in the whole of Essex.

In our whole little group of friends,

Arg is stirring up most of the shit.

- They just need to sort it out and do one.

Do you know what I mean?

[laughing]

They're really annoying. - What do you think Harry?

Who do you think is in the wrong?

- She's annoying, she's annoying me.

How dare she come into your salon

and start having a go at you?

You're not the type of girl to go shagging around,

snogging other people's boyfriends.

That's not you Amy and we all know that for a fact.

And deep down she knows that for a fact as well.

- She's just taking out her anger on you

when really she's angry at Arg.

- Do you know what I ended up saying to her?

How insecure are you,

you are so insecure of yourself Lyd, you need to calm down.

You've got an immature relationship.

Don't get me involved.

- What you gotta think is,

you're more mature, and your better looking.

[laughing]

So I wouldn't worry.

- And I just basically said

I'm not one to about behind people's backs

and I'd rather just get it out in the open,

talk about it and then put it like, put it to bed.

So I decided to go to Amy's salon.

- [Lucy] Did she know, did you book an appointment

or did you just turn up? - No I just turned up.

- [mumbles] here anymore. [laughs]

- I was so nervous when I walked in,

I was literally shaking,

I was like, "Oh my god I'm shaking."

She was like, "Why honey,

"why are you shaking?" - What did you ask her?

She was like,

"No we're just friends, I promise you."

She was like, "I'm just flirtatious with--

- She told his ex-girlfriend that she flirts with him?

- [Lydia] Yeah she was like that's our relationship,

I'm just really flirty with him.

And I was like, "But you wasn't

"when were together." - As if you'd say that?

As if you turn around and say that?

- And if you are a flirtatious person

there's a line you don't cross, you don't go there

with other people's-- - Exactly.

- I was like, "I just feel like you're really tactile

"with each other, it's as if you're throwing it in my face."

She went, "What's tactile?"

- Oh my god.

[laughing]

- And I was like, oh my gosh this may take a while.

So I was just like, do you know what

if that's what they wanna do, then get on with it,

I'm sure it wouldn't last very long.

- This is the last straw,

you need to move on. - Exactly.

- Two can play that game.

[group singing]

♪ We'll meet again

♪ Don't know where

♪ Don't know when

♪ But I know we'll meet again some sunny day ♪

[laughing]

- Hi everyone. - [Nan] Oh hi!

- How you doing?

We didn't know it was a white and red, blue Christmas.

[blowing kisses]

- I've been saying, I know.

They're lovely, right Pat?

- Yeah, lovely, yeah.

- So what we want to know is what tips

have yous two picked up on the wedding day?

- I want it even bigger.

[laughing]

- [Nan] No, no, we won't open it.

- Dunno what to say.

Right before this day goes,

we'll have a nice drink and a nice day.

I just want to say obviously I'm sorry about everything

that's happened between us all

'cause it didn't need to happen,

I've never really fell out with me family before.

It ain't really anything major,

it's escalated from nothing really.

But I love you, is all,

and obviously my main important thing is all the family

get on and obviously with Lauren and us,

and as a big group, we all just get on and just start--

- Now see you got me in tears again, Mark.

[laughing]

- I think Lauren looks at is as a personal issue,

that it was personal, but when we actually sat down

and thought about it, it's probably more the fact that

there was no trust in the relationship

rather than personal people.

- Yeah.

- We've sat down, we've explained that,

but obviously it's hard for Lauren to see sometimes

but she understands as well.

And Jess, brother and sister,

you know, apologise we've been arguing or whatever

so hopefully we can just forget everything now

and just draw a line under it and just forget about it.

- [Nan] Just forget about all your troubles.

Forget about your troubles, boy-o.

- [Mark] Let's just have a beer

and just draw a line under it.

- Have something to eat, come on.

We've cooked all this food you've got to eat something.

- Come and sit down and have something to eat.

- [Jessica] To the royal couple.

[cork pops]

- Have you got your bikinis for the pool party yet?

- I haven't got one yet, I need to get motivated.

- Go looking nice to meet someone else,

not for Arg though.

- No, what about when I had my read, Gemma said,

you're gonna meet someone,

your prince charming, and it's not too far away.

He's sat there, right now, in his speedos,

with his six pack. - Speedos?

Shaven chest, waiting for Lydia Bright to walk in.

- [Lucy] Oh my God. That's it.

- And if Lucy happens to bring three hot guys along,

that's not your fault.

- Exactly. [laughing]

If a guy just happens to fall over onto my lips then--

[laughing]

- If I cheated in my Marbella,

I'd get caught within a minute

'cause everyone knows everyone.

You know I'm not gonna cheat

just because of that. - I've got more tag on you

than anywhere in the world.

The most place I take it is my bath.

- You're not going? - Not going, no.

- He's not allowing you to go?

- He's going out there for a stag, so.

- Girls don't go on girls holidays,

when they have relationships. - [Leah] Oh, Mark!

- When they're in a relationship they don't,

boys do, girls don't.

- Of course they do, if you're going away.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

- Gander what does that mean?

- What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

- What's good for you is good for her.

- Also I don't want to have to think about,

shit where's Lauren, where's them boys gone,

because a boy can't trust other boys,

I know what boys are like.

It's all comments made about birds

and then they try and grab them up in the club,

touch them up, you can't trust boys with girls.

But me, if I don't wanna cheat, I don't have to.

Girls ain't gonna do that to me,

well I'm a bit different,

they do do that to me 'cause it's me.

But I can trust myself, do you know what I'm saying?

At the end of the day, you know--

- That is the most,

- You can trust me. - crap excuse.

- You know I don't get involved in the golden boot.

- [Girls] What's the golden boot?

[laughing]

- It's like whoever scores the most birds,

gets the golden boot.

- Oh my god. - Oh, my life.

- Men are scumbags.

- You don't need to lose count.

- That's disgusting. - That's really depressing.

How depressing. - [Leah] How many at the most?

I can't honestly say,

I don't get involved, promise you I never,

I don't enjoy golden boot.

- Do you actually get a medal afterwards?

- No we go for [murmurs] Indian on the last night

in the pool and we all sit down,

give the awards out. - He's a jolly good fellow.

- Why don't you just go away

and have a nice time with your friends?

Why is it like a competition who can get the most girls?

- Listen, enough of this conversation,

'cause at the end of the day we all know

Mark's bird never joins him in Marbella

and Mark Wright is taking over Marbella once again.

- Anyway girls I'm gonna get going,

got so much to organise, I've only got a little while now.

We've gotta get hair done, nails, tan, wax.

- Ow. [laughing]

- So I'll let yous two get on with it.

Enjoy your day, okay?

I love you lots.

- See you soon. - Have a good day.

- Good luck.

[keys jangling]

- Oh. - Oop.

Sorry. - Sorry.

Sorry.

- You all right? - Yeah.

[metal rattling]

[upbeat electronic music]

- [Narrator] Next time on "The Only Way is Essex."

Will Gemma get to dazzle Mick with her vajazzle?

- I wanna prove to Mick that I can be his royal princess.

- [Narrator] Will Mark regain his throne

as the party king of Essex?

- That's my job, and that's what I do best.

- [Narrator] And has Lydia finally found

her prince charming?

Who knows, these people are real,

and anything can happen on "The Only Way is Essex."

♪ The only way is up, baby

♪ For you and me now

♪ The only way is up, baby

♪ For you and me now

♪ The only way is up, baby

♪ For you and me now

[trumpet music]