Original subtitles

big watches and people looking reem.

The tans you see might be fake

but the people are all real.

Although some of what they do has been set up

purely for your entertainment.

Previously on "The Only Way is Essex".

- If you're not gonna give him a chance,

then that means you've got to completely call it off.

- Yeah, but how many chances can a boy be given?

- Shut your mouth.

You're no one special, nor am I.

- If you get a boob job I'll have the raving hump.

- She's got a lovely pair.

[laughing]

[funky electronic music]

[cheerful folk music]

- Morning.

- Morning. - Afternoon.

- Cor I feel like I'm going out with you.

See you every morning.

- You'd be lucky.

- [Mark] What you having?

- I just want a bacon sandwich.

You know what, I'm as stressed as it is at the moment.

Give the diet a miss for a day.

[Mark laughs]

- You say that everyday, I'll start tomorrow.

- There's some nice healthy fruits,

some orange juice and you want a bacon sandwich?

- [Arg] Can't you tell how much weight I've lost?

I've already lost it from my face.

- You have lost a little bit. - No you've lost loads, let go

Yeah, loads, really nice. - Off my face I said.

- Gonna need bras to fit him, basically.

Doesn't start losing weight, - Shut up

it's just gonna--

- You know I'm conscious, just leave me alone.

[Lauren laughs]

- [Mark] Talking of boobs,

you know you've been moaning at me about

getting outta the club scene

and getting outta the bar and whatever else.

- Yeah.

- I'm gonna start my own modelling agency.

- What?

- It's gonna be a bit of fashion modelling,

bit of commercial modelling,

but there's gonna be a glamour section.

- I'm not exactly happy with you

going to meet glamour girls and look at their tits.

Clearly, so end of.

- Why? 'Cause I'm not.

- Why? 'Cause they're complete slags,

and I'm not allowing it.

- [Mark] What do you fucking know you doughnut?

- [Lauren] You can't do that.

You're like a jack of all trades,

you think you are.

- No, the problem is...

- You know what,

I'm gonna leave you two to sort this out.

- Anyway, there's only gonna be

a section of glamour on there.

All I've got to do is oversee it and meet them.

Yeah, don't get me wrong,

I might have to have a girl stand there

and show me her boobs.

[Lauren laughs] - Are you actually joking?

- So a girl comes in,

can I speak to you? - Are you joking?

If girl comes in to be a glamour model right,

I wanna do topless modelling.

Okay.

You're gorgeous in the face.

You've got a lovely body.

I'll tell you what, I'll sign you up.

And I send her onto a shoot,

to a magazine deal with her tits out.

As she takes her bra off,

they hit the deck.

Then what?

I'll look like the worst agent in the world.

I've got to test out her boobs,

ain't gotta feel them.

- I'm not having it, sorry.

I'm not allowing it.

End of.

- Listen, this is a business

that could go on for my life.

We're gonna start getting a big house,

kids and all that,

when I'm forty, fifty years of age,

I could own the biggest modelling agency in Essex,

in London, who knows.

- Well, I'm not allowing it.

So anyway,

I was going to have a surprise for you later,

but I don't think you deserve it now.

- What sort of surprise?

- [Lauren] No.

- Tell me.

- [Lauren] No.

- What, a surprise for me and you or?

- Not telling ya.

- You never get me surprise, bet it's gonna be horrific.

[soft rock music]

- Hiya.

- Hello.

How are you?

- [Chloe] It's funny to see you here.

- You all right?

- I haven't seen you since Harry's party.

So have you spoke to Lauren about it?

- No, she hasn't really said a lot to be honest.

- [Chloe] You live together though, don't you?

- Yeah.

- [Chloe] So that's awkward.

- [Maria] She stayed at Kirk's.

- Oh right, okay.

- But at the end of the day,

my motto is chicks before dicks,

do you know what I mean?

Put your friends first. [Chloe laughing]

- I saw you having a chat with Maria at the bar

that got a little bit out of order didn't it?

Bit of voices raised an all that?

I don't want you arguing with people in public like that,

its just not right.

- I know I don't normally do it.

- [Mick] Don't do yourself any favours.

- I know, she was getting on me nerves.

- Why, what did she say?

- She was sticking up for Lauren when I split up with her,

me and Lauren have sorted it out now,

but she's just nipping at me constantly, constantly.

- Well what's it gotta do with her,

why's she doing that to you?

- I dunno, I think she's jel

that I'm with Lauren and she ain't?

- Well surely Lauren sees what you see doesn't she?

- Hopefully.

- Well then she'll have to act on it,

its not down to you to be digging another girl out, no.

- I dunno what to do.

- [Mick] You need to get Lauren to talk to her

and let her deal with it.

- It's getting me angry.

- Don't get angry with girls mate that ain't good.

Just respect yourself and don't be putting up with all that.

- Respect yourself before you wreck yourself.

- Absolutely, there you go.

[cheerful pop music]

- Hi, You all right?

- Yeah fine, you?

Busy? - Yeah really busy,

I'm just sorting out all the news stock that's coming in.

- Oh that's nice.

- [Billie] What about you and Joey then?

- Oh, we had a snog.

- [Billie] Yeah, tell me about it, I've heard.

- Oh no don't, well nothing really,

it wasn't anything major,

we was on the dance floor dancing

then went outside in like the swimming pool

and I was just like messing about

and then just give him a kiss.

- No oh my god, what else? Anything else happen in the pool?

- No! Nothing!

- No touchy feely under the water?

- He got a boner, no I'm joking.

[laughing]

- Oh how romantic.

- It was just like keeping it casual

do you know what I mean?

I just thought, he's single so am I.

I'm not saying oh yeah I've got a boyfriend now.

I'm just moving on do you know what I mean?

I'll definitely go on a date with him.

I'm not waiting for Mark for the rest of my life.

- [Billie] No way, move on from him now seriously.

- Do you know what I mean?

- No that's good, I like Joey anyway,

yous will have a laugh I think.

- Yeah he's good looking,

only thing is though I think he's the same age as me.

Do you reckon that's a problem,

cos you know I always go out with someone older?

- No, you might have fun you never know.

Its never worked with someone older

it might work with someone the same age.

- Very true, have to see what happens.

- Do you know Gemma?

- [Chloe] Yeah.

- She's having a quiz night.

- I've never done a pub quiz ever.

- Shall we go, looking like right bimbos,

get the plastic out,

go looking like bimbos and we'll win it.

- And we can get really glammed up.

- Yeah lets do it, lets have some Botox as well.

- Yeah do you have Botox?

- Yeah but I can frown again now, can you frown?

- I can't go up, I cant do a shocked face,

but I can do an annoyed face.

- So if you're angry with me Ill never know.

- Yeah I do like to be frozen with no expression.

- Its really funny 'cause then you can go

I'm annoyed, yeah I'm really annoyed

or I'm crying, you cant tell but I'm crying.

- My expressions have come back now its disgusting,

its all that Kirk stress.

[laughing]

- [Carol] I'm glad you've finally made your mind up,

you've decided to do it today.

- You've gotta have it done haven't you so.

- I don't think you're gonna regret it,

I don't think you've gotta worry.

I think just go ahead with it.

- Yeah, you're right.

- You'll be fine.

- In Essex I reckon half the girls have got it done.

- [Nanny Pat] There's the Doctor now.

- [Doctor] Hello Jessica.

- Hiya, how are you?

- I'm very good, okay.

Now you know who I am and we've met before haven't we?

- Yep.

- Okay so tell me again what sort of size

you envisage for yourself?

- Probably like a big D, a D, double D.

- Okay good, now I'm happy for people to be full busted

but I wont do anything that's unnatural okay?

- Okay, and how long have I got until the operation?

- Well, about 1 hour, all right?

- Oh god, hurry up.

- [Doctor] Okay.

[upbeat beatboxing]

- Hi Deb.

- Flowers again?

- I know but...

- [Debbie] But what James?

- Come on I just wanna sort things out,

wanna giver her some flowers I'm trying to make an effort.

- She's not in okay, she doesn't wanna see you,

she doesn't want anything to do with you at the moment.

- Look Debbie I know like this is just a small gesture,

it's just the start of what I wanna do for Lydia.

- James, she's not in.

- Yeah but Debbie,

I know what you're like she's probably sitting upstairs now.

- Whether she is or she isn't,

there's no point in me letting you in

because her dad will be home any minute now

and he's absolutely sick and tired

of the way that you've treated her.

- I know that Debbie and I've realised that now

and that's why like I'm making a start.

- Well I think maybe it might be too late James.

It's not too late,

if you love someone its never too late is it?

- James listen, do what you've got to do okay?

Do whatever you want to do

'cause I'm always in the middle of all this with you two.

I get it from Lydia crying,

I get it from you, "I'm gonna change."

I've got other things to worry about in my life

other than you two okay?

So you wanna take that risk and wait outside,

that's up to you but I'm going in

because I'm far too busy with all this crap.

[phone ringing]

- Hello.

- All right Nic?

- Yeah, you all right?

- Yeah good.

I'm just about to do something, a bit of a surprise.

- Surprise, for who?

- [Lauren] Well its not for you, don't worry.

But I'm about to do something that's quite funny.

It's gonna be a little bit of a surprise.

- Why what you doing?

Oh you're not getting another tattoo are you?

- No, nothing like that.

What Ill do, I'd better go 'cause I'm going in there now

but Ill give you a call after all right?

- All right bye.

- Bye, bye.

- Nutcase!

- How you doing you all right?

- What you doing here?

You all right? - Yeah good.

- Nothing, just passing by I thought I'd come in.

We going for the school girl look today?

The old bunches and knee high socks?

- You can talk look in your Converse and you shirt

and your school jumper!

[Mark laughs]

- You dickhead.

That was a bit strong the other night weren't it?

You and Joey?

- What?

- Just thought it was a bit strong going from like

a week telling someone your in love with them

to the next week your legs wrapped around some geezer

biting his head off.

- I haven't had my legs wrapped around anyone actually

and what's it got to do with you anyway, you're engaged!

- Yeah its nothing to do with me,

that's the point I'm making.

Its nothing to do with me,

I am engaged that's exactly right.

But the point I'm making is

you're either telling me you love me for attention,

and you don't actually love me

or you're snogging his face off just for attention?

- Oh my god, why do you wanna know?

- I don't think it looks very good--

- Why, are you jealous?

- [Mark] I'm not jealous, I'm not jealous at all.

- Then why are you coming in here talking about it?

- [Mark] Because I just think--

- If you didn't care you wouldn't come in here?

Because I presume you're not buying a dress for Lauren?

So I'm not gonna sit around waiting around for you,

- No, no. So if I did get in the pool

and I did kiss Joey

it doesn't mean that I'm gonna get engaged to Joey tomorrow.

- The point I'm making is--

- What is your point?

- Me and Lauren wouldn't have been in the pool

the other night wit her legs wrapped around me snogging.

- What?

I don't know where you're coming from?

You've got a fiancé, - 100%

you've got a girl who

lives with you now. - Yeah.

- And you're now saying,

do you think that's gonna make it any better?

Oh I'd better not kiss anyone

in case Marks around just in case.

Just in case - No, not at all.

I go out with him again. Did I say you can't

kiss someone?

I said you can kiss someone, you can go on dates, you can

get engaged to someone. - I can do what I want!

- I can't believe you're dictating to me

what I can and can't do.

- I think that situation was a bit strong

that's all I'm saying.

It was like a porno film,

all you was waiting for next is a bra to come off

and you start rumping in front everyone.

- I'm not having you dictate to me what I can and cant do.

- All right well I'm not dictating, don't think I am,

I just want an explanation why, if one of them's fake.

- There is no explanation because like I'm single

and I'm not waiting around.

- All right this conversation's over,

Ill talk to you soon all right.

- What you go the hump for?

- I haven't!

- You have, you're going hmm and not even kissing me.

Oh whatever, see you later.

- Bye.

Oh my god.

- So what's this photo for Lauren?

- These photos are for my fiancé Mark,

obviously want it massive, like really big.

[laughing]

- To scare everyone off as well if they come in!

- That's it, yeah make a statement, yeah he has a fiance.

- How long have you been together now?

- We've been on and off for 9 and a half years.

- Wow, that's a long time.

So.. we've had our up and our downs and stuff

and he's had a bit of a reputation with other girls, so.

- Has he?

- Yeah, now that we're back together officially

we can be a couple together, do you know what I mean?

Be happy and move forward.

So no, its good.

- [Photographer] Lovely hold there.

[camera clicks]

Beautiful.

Really nice.

[Lauren laughs]

[camera clicks]

Perfect, stay there, stay there.

Well done.

Big smile to finish, big, big smile.

Perfect, well done.

Beautiful, got it.

- Thank you. Well done, that's a wrap.

- Good.

[peaceful guitar music]

- What are you doing here?

- Come to see ya.

Look, this is a small gesture Lyd,

I'm not coming round here today with flowers

just to be like come on let's go back out,

it's all forgotten with blah blah.

I know I cant do that.

I want you and me to go for dinner?

- Yeah but I've already made my decision James.

You've got a lot of growing up and maturing to do

and a lot of things to get out of your system right?

And I cant sit there and watch it all happen.

I'm not thick skinned enough,

I can't do what Lauren did with Mark.

At the moment I cant go out with you,

I cant be with someone like you anymore.

- I'm gonna prove you different okay?

- No you won't.

- Ill see you soon all right?

[cheerful folk music]

- [Joey] Oh they're real nice.

- I don't know Joe you've already got about 100 pairs

they all look brand new.

- What do you reckon 'cause they're all the same

just different colours.

Rarmus, reemus, reem, rarm.

[laughing]

- What's with all the shopping today then?

Are you trying to impress someone?

- Like who?

- I dunno.

I see you getting cosy with Sam at the party.

Did anything happen?

- I took her out to the swimming pool,

said to her do you wanna go to the swimming pool,

had a little kiss that's about it.

- Do you like her then Joe?

- She's all right aint she, nice girl.

Oh I'm well happy 'cause I really like Sam.

- [Mark] How you feeling?

- They're hurting.

- [Mark] You happy with them?

- Yeah, they look exactly like mine

just a little bit bigger.

- Not that I'm looking too much 'cause you're me sister

but they don't look oversized, you know what I mean?

- They're not, they're the perfect size.

- [Carol] That's what she was worried about

changing her shape, but they haven't.

- As long as you aint got one nipple up here

and one nipple down here.

- Do you wanna see them?

- No I don't!

[Carol and Jess laughing] I don't wanna see them.

- I might try these on you know, what do you reckon?

- Yeah. I think you should,

you could rock them to the pub quiz.

- Oh yeah I forgot about that, are you gonna go?

- Yeah I'm well there, I'm gonna be the winner.

I'm going with Maria,

she's well intelligent. - Is she?

- Yeah, she's got like loads of GCSE's.

- Shut up.

- Yeah, you gonna try them on?

- Yeah I dunno what size yet 'cause they crease there.

- [Chloe] Well what size are you normally?

- I'm a size 9 but I might get a size 7.

- Why?

- Trust me, when you buy a size 7 yeah,

they look proper straighten out like that look,

they just look fresh the whole time,

do you know what I mean?

- Is that what you do,

you buy them smaller so they don't crease?

- Yeah but everyone does that don't they?

- No! [Chloe laughs]

- No one does that?

- I used to do it when I was little, my toes all went bent.

- Shut up, why?

'Cause I used to think I had big feet, I'm only a six.

But how do you walk?

- Its quite hard to walk to be fair,

you look like you've just shit yourself.

- That is the maddest thing I've ever heard.

- Well I have to crease my toes up like that.

- [Chloe] Show me.

- Well you gotta walk like that.

[Chloe laughs] - So that's how you walk.

- Can you see the trainer looks better like that,

than like that.

Flat and dumpy,

tall and reem.

[Chloe laughs]

- Flat and dumpy, tall and reem.

- What size did you get in the end?

- Got a size 8.

- [Chloe] Are they hurting?

- [Joey] A little bit, they are quite hurting you know.

I think I just broke my little toe.

[Chloe laughs]

- [Chloe] I'm surprised you can even walk in them.

- [Joey] But there's no crease, look.

- What the fucking hell is that,

a telly or something.

Oh my god, what has she done?

What are you doing?

- Do you like your present?

- What are you talking about?

- What?

- What are you talking about?

- [Lauren] What do you mean?

- You've got like a 70x70 what ever it is

picture of you spread across.

- Don't you love it? Its for you.

- I think its obscene especially just of you.

I don't want a picture just you in my flat.

- [Lauren] Why not?

- 'Cause I don't, what's the point?

Why would I have just a picture of you in my flat?

- Why not?

- That's ridiculous. - Why not?

- That is not going in my flat.

- I think its very artistic.

- Lauren you're off your head.

It aint going nowhere,

there's a closet out the side, we'll put it in there.

- [Lauren] No we are not.

Well listen that aint going on my wall, trust me it aint

going on my wall. - Yes it is, yes it is.

Its going in the bedroom,

no other girls going in there.

If they do my eyes will be watching.

If I wanted to bring girls home

Ill just take it down wouldn't?

- [Lauren] No it's gonna be super glued.

[Mark laughs]

- Well I think its a beautiful photo

and I've done it for you,

its really nice, matches the flat.

- Its stunning.

Here is he, all right son?

All right guys. - All right?

- I'm all right, I just sort of saw Lydia.

I mean I didn't expect any different

but she's sorta saying she does love me,

she wants to end up with me and marry me

but at this moment in time

she just thinks I need to get a lot out of my system

and that she cant see me changing or proving her wrong

that I'm gonna be more mature

and treat her better I suppose.

- Don't lose her then Arg, make an effort and don't let go.

- Walking round here and moping around,

you've got your nut down, probably being like it it her,

you've gotta liven up a bit, you know what I mean?

- No, actually,

no I think that--

- What the hell is that Lauren?

[upbeat electronic music]

- Shall we go to like a bar

or do you wanna go to a club?

- I don't think I'm really in for a club.

- Lyd, that's the thing you need to pick yourself up

you need to be strong

about the situation. - We need to dance!

- I wanna go to a club 'cause I wanna dance.

- Why don't we just go to like a nice quiet bar?

- A local bar, not quiet, I'm not going anywhere quiet.

I think we'll take you where we thinks best

and we're not gonna chose somewhere stupid are we?

- No, let's just go out and have a good night.

Forget about all of the crap.

- Els is Arg still going to your slimming club?

- He come along, showed his face,

was so interested in getting involved

and he's just not showed up the next week.

- Has he lost any weight?

- [Ellie] Well he hasn't come to find out.

[Lucy laughs]

- I've got a surprise for you girls.

[girls cheer and clap]

It's your guardian angel here.

Oh there we are. - Just on cue Debs.

- You all right, you excited?

- Yeah, were going out.

- I just enjoy watching you all get ready.

Now listen to me girls

you need to be preaching the same thing as what I do,

plenty of fish in the sea darling,

as one jumps out another one jumps in.

- There's always cod, haddock.

[cork pops]

[girls squeal]

[sad piano music]

- Look what I've just seen,

Silly Bullocks has got a pub quiz going on.

You know that Gemma bird?

Who thinks she can sell Ferrari's for a tenna?

- What you doing you dick?

- You fucking put salt in it you prick.

[Mark laughing] - Calm down you dick

it's lemonade!

- Fucking idiot.

What's funny about that Mark?

- I'm trying to cheer you up.

Take your mind off it.

- I've come here tonight to have a chat with you.

- Ask for advice.

And ask advice about how I'm gonna get her back,

instead you come over and put salt in my drink

and you've given me a flyer for a pub quiz.

- You have gotta start taking my advice

and listening properly.

One minute you're soppy, "I love you"

the next minute you treat her like shit.

She don't know whether she's coming or going,

you gotta do one or the other.

You aint treating her right,

you aint done nothing bad or nothing.

Why don't you just turn around and go you know what Lydia,

I've brought you some flowers,

I've said sorry for seeing Mark,

I've told you I'm gonna start seeing you more,

you know what if that aint good enough, fuck ya.

That's what I've done.

- Yeah I know but Lydia's the stubborn type she aint like,

she wont put up with shit.

- Okay but let me ask you something though,

what more can you do?

Bend her over and lick her bum crack?

- I've done that hundreds of times that's not her.

It's a nice gesture yeah but I've gotta do something new

and I've gotta do it quick 'cause some boys in their heads

are probably thinking,

Arg you've had an easy escape

from the mother-in-law from hell, just go.

- That is the mother in law from hell.

- Go out and shag loads of mingers or whatever

but I don't wanna do that.

All I'm thinking in my heart I'm thinking you know what

Lydia is a good girl, I love her to bits

and you've gotta get her

before someone else takes her away from you.

I mean obviously quite frankly

she was never with me for my body.

- Can I, can i ask you quite a personal question?

You've put on a lot of timber,

right you're carrying a couple of tyres

around your gut and that, she's slim girl, good looking,

you know when you have sex, do you go on top?

[Arg laughs] - What?

- Said I was gonna ask a question!

- Mark, at the end of the day

I'm here trying to talk about my girlfriend I've just lost

I wanna get her back

and you're asking me what sex positions we do?

[Mark laughs]

- Its not funny Mark, its really not funny.

- Yeah but its the same story every time,

you're in bits, you come in mope around,

you cant do it no more.

You know Lydia's gonna be here

'cause Gemma's putting on something,

all the girls are gonna be here.

Bobs your uncle, Fanny's your aunt.

You wanna go to it?

- Yeah lets go, why not.

- Plan interaction straight away.

- Better work mate.

[upbeat electronic music]

[Harry cheers]

[group greeting each other]

- Oh look, my boyfriend.

[Sam laughs]

Here she is,

- You right Arg? You right Mark?

- How you doing?

Very good, I hope you are here for my pub quiz,

as you can see, read away,

it is all about the charity tonight.

- One of the main reasons we was gonna be here was 'cause,

I'm trying to hitch this little plan for him

to get back with Lydia, do you reckon she's gonna be here?

- I don't know, listen look, chillax,

I've spread the word Arg.

- She might turn up in a bit, you dunno.

- She might do Arg but look, just enjoy yourself.

[upbeat electronic music]

- [Lucy] I'm glad you've come out.

- I'm so glad Lyd,

it would've been the biggest mistake if you didn't.

- Its just the girls, don't have to answer to anybody,

don't have to ask for daddy Arg's permission.

[laughing]

- Exactly. Just enjoy my night.

- Just have a girly night out.

- [Ellie] Get lots of drinks in.

- Its hard though.

- [Ellie] It is hard.

- I'm just upset. - I know it does.

- Its just horrible how someone's changed so much.

- So am I impressing you taking you to a pub quiz

on our second date?

- Oh yeah.

Its good that you've brought me out

but Google how to be romantic,

how to woo someone back,

'cause you haven't won me back properly yet.

- Oh I'm not saying I have, I need to do a lot more.

- [Maria] All right?

- How are you?

- [Maria] I'm all right,

how are you? - Yeah good.

- All right Kirk?

- Yeah I'm doing all right.

- This is awkward.

Are you doing the quiz?

- I dunno, might do, I dunno,

it depends what we're gonna do.

It is a bit awkward.

Anyway I'm gonna go and sit with the extras.

Ill see you in a bit. - Speak to you in a bit.

- Didn't do nothing now did I?

- No you did well.

- What do you wanna do?

Do you wanna carry on the night with me?

Or do you wanna go join the--

- Don't try and make out like I have to choose.

- No, I'm not saying choose, what do you wanna do,

do you wanna go somewhere else?

- All right we can go somewhere else, yeah.

- Yeah?

All right, how about I go to the toilet

and meet you in the car?

Yeah, give us a cuddle.

Right Ill see you at the car.

- Okay.

- Good evening everybody.

[cheering] - Gemma!

- [Gemma] Welcoming you all to Gemma's fabulous pub quiz.

[cheering and clapping]

Thank you so much.

What I'm gonna do I'm gonna start by finding out

what your name is in the far left here guys.

- The Hairy Growlers.

[cheering and clapping] - The hairy growlers!

- And the middle table?

- Nanny Pats Sausage Plaits.

- [Gemma] Big round of applause

for Nanny Pats Sausage Plaits.

[cheering and clapping]

And in the far corner?

- The Reem Team.

- [Gemma] The Reem Team!

[crowd booing]

- Gemma do we shout out or do we write down?

- [Gemma] Write it down quietly.

- You should shout out and give everyone the answer,

good idea that one!

- What class at school would you use a bunsen burner?

- Year seven?

- Year seven? [laughing]

- What would a Matador fight?

- What is it a Matador?

- Its not someone that cleans the mat.

- I'd say a penguin.

- Amy, it is not a penguin.

- Where is the city for lovers?

[whispering]

I was gonna say Sex and The City.

[Chloe and Maria laugh]

- Which famous couple called their baby Apple?

- He's cheating!

He just read that! - Yes, shut up Maria.

That's disqualified.

- Who was Sandy in love with in Grease?

- Joey Essex?

[laughing]

Finish the title Gone with the...

- I know!

Wind.

[Arg farts] [everyone laughs]

- Have you enjoyed it so far.

- [Crowd] Yeah!

- Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant,

we are gonna take a little 15 minute break

and then we're coming back for our final round.

[everyone claps] [Harry grunts]

- All right Joey? You all right?

How you doing tonight?

- Fine thanks, you?

- Yeah good, you?

- Yeah, good.

- What's been going on?

- Nothing, you know, this and that.

Oh chemistry in the room.

I dunno yous two.

She likes you though, I think she does.

I know, yeah. She seems to like you anyway,

she's been talking about you quite a bit.

- Yeah?

- Yeah, did you hear about Mark coming in the shop?

- Shut up when?

- Apparently he was like really like being all jealous

'cause you two had the kiss.

- Really?

- Yeah, apparently,

I'm not being funny but what right does he have?

- I know he's engaged to Lauren aint he?

- [Billie] Exactly, I know, yeah.

- If he does it again, Ill just say something to him,

Ill just say like obviously I'm seeing Sam,

do you, see ya later.

- Do what? [laughing]

- Oh its so lovely girls,

us three out on a night out.

- [Ellie] I'm so excited

I'm ready to have such a good night.

[girls laughing]

Shall we cheers that?

- Single and ready to mingle.

- There's three syllables in single.

[girls laughing]

- No I'm excited girls,

I think new beginning now, new chapter,

put everything in the back of me,

stop being miserable, move forward now.

I wonder what he's doing now?

- Do you think he's going home sad

and moping around - No.

or do you think he's gonna be out clubbing?

- I reckon he's with Mark, getting drunk,

eyeing up girls and cheersing to single life.

- So let's do the same.

[girls laughing]

- Why you got two drinks?

- [Nanny Pat] Is one for me?

- One's for when Lydia arrives, she likes Rose don't she?

- Oh she's coming yeah?

- Well I hope so, that was the plan wasn't it?

Do you think she'll come?

- Do you think she'll accept the drink?

That's the bigger question.

- Yeah she'll accept the drink, she probably wont accept me.

- Maybe that's what you need.

A little rocket up the arse,

I treat you bad, and go out with another geezer,

and you might stop treating her bad.

- No you love each other,

you know everyone goes through breakups

and what's meant to be will be.

- I think Lauren is giving relationship advice you know.

- Thing is though she's the best

at relationship advice aint she?

- [Sam] She might just go excuse me.

- Never let go.

- When you start arguing just move in together.

[all laughing]

When you're near a break up just get married.

- When you're near a break up just get married.

[all laughing]

- The thing is though I don't even care,

even if she comes here she don't wanna talk to me,

she blanks me that's fine,

at least I know where she is

and she's here and I can keep my eye, I can see her.

Now I'm thinking shit, she don't come here,

god knows what she's doing.

- Yeah well do you tell her what you're doing off

when you're not there?

No, no you don't. - Well I will do from now on.

Oh from now onwards, yeah.

You're crafty you are, aint you aye?

[cheerful pop music]

- Don't even know how to chat up a boy these days.

Like what do you do?

I've been in a relationship so long.

Give me some chat up lines.

Okay, you look so tired.

- Why?

Sorry, that's how bad I am.

- 'Cause you have been running through my mind all night.

[girls laughing] Is that good?

- That's well good.

- [ Ellie] Red tie alert.

11 o'clock, no 4 o'clock.

- [Lucy] Lyds I think the guy in the red tie

is eyeing you up.

- Oh shut up.

- He is!

- Okay, this is the final section of the quiz,

and you know what that means?

Soon we'll be able to reveal the winners!

[crowd grunts]

Okay, what animal is on the Jaguar badge?

No it is not a horse!

- A caterpillar.

- These are so hard these questions.

- Do you know what I honestly think

we are doing really well.

- I don't even know why I'm here.

- Which world champion snooker player

lives here in Chigwell?

- [Harry] Paul Potts?

- No Harry it's not Paul Potts,

that's a singer.

[laughing]

- Where in Essex is the worlds longest pier?

- Isle of Wight?

- Southend?

- Egypt.

How much does a glass of Rose wine cost

at the Sugar Hut on a Saturday night?

- Free hopefully?

- How much is a 12 minute lay down sunbed at Tanners?

- How much is it, you've gotta know this.

- I know this one wait, I know it, trust me, 100%.

It's 50p a minute, so 6 quid.

- Are we all done?

Big round of applause again guys.

[cheering and applause]

- What would you like a girl if she was gonna chat you up

what would you like her to say to you?

- I dunno its really hard,

I think like blokes always sort of start it

but I dunno girls can sometimes like--

- We are very chat up line girls.

- [Man] Is that a ladder in your tights

or is that the stairway to heaven?

[girls laugh and groan]

- I don't like that one, that ones a bit cheap, yeah.

- Obviously those chat up lines were really bad.

- [Ellie] They were really bad.

- How about we just get you a drink instead,

how does that sound?

- [Ellie] Go on then.

- [Man In White Shirt] All right let's go.

- Girls I'm gonna stay here, you go have fun.

No don't be silly, - No, are you sure?

Ill be here, comeback in a minute all right.

- Ladies first.

- All right you got your wine though?

- [Lydia] I got my wine, I'm fine, see you later girls.

- Nice to meet you Lydia, take care.

- [Lydia] See ya, nice to meet you hun.

- Okay, everybody it is the time in the evening

when we do reveal the winner.

[cheering and applause]

- In last place,

The Hairy Growlers.

- Oh my god. [cheering and applause]

- Least we didn't cheat, least we didn't cheat.

- And the prize with 37 points to Nanny Pats Sausage Plaits.

[cheering and applause]

Here is a quality bottle of champagne.

- I still don't think we would've come last.

- [Gemma] Treat the family, all right.

- He's been cheating the whole time.

- I know, once a cheat, always a cheat!

- That is so true!

- Am I drinking this by myself or with everyone else?

- Well Lydia will be here soon hopefully,

so we'll all have a bit hey?

- Ill tell you what Arg,

- She can celebrate with us I think you've gotta forget

about Lydia coming.

- What do you mean?

- Well I don't think she'll be coming here tonight.

So I just think you've gotta forget her for tonight.

[sad guitar music]

- [Narrator] Next time on "The Only Way is Essex."

Is it really last orders for Arg and Lydia?

Will the Buckhurst Hills ever be alive

with sound of Kirk and Maria making up?

- All right Kirk?

- How you doing Maria all right?

- Awkward.

- [Narrator] Can Lauren ever convince Mark

that her portrait is picture perfect?

- That is not going in my flat.

- Yes it is.

- [Narrator] And is Joey Essex

getting too big for his boots?

- Are they hurting?

- [Joey] Yeah a little bit.

- [Narrator] Who knows,

these people are real

and anything can happen on "The Only Way is Essex".

[cork pops] [girls squeal]