Original subtitles

- [Narrator] This programme contains flash cars,

big watches and Amy Childs in a teeny-weeny bikini.

The tans you see might be fake but the people are all real,

although some of what they do

has been set up purely for your entertainment.

Previously on "The Only Way is Essex."

- [Amy] My god!

- I got rid of Lauren, didn't I?

- No way!

- Do you still love him?

- Yeah.

- Got one for you.

- Right.

It's called bro's before hoes. [laughs]

- The end of the day Joey, I want a man not a boy.

- You know that I love you.

- [Arg] I know, but I just feel like I'm letting you down.

[upbeat music]

♪ The only way is up, baby

♪ For you and me now

- [gasps] Oh my god.

Amazing. - Oh my god, it's perfect.

- [Amy] Does it fit nice?

- Oh, wow. - Beautiful.

- [Amy] I feel like a goddess.

- [Billie] You look comfortable in it as well.

- Show me how you would dance in that dress?

- Easy.

So you know when you start off,

it's all nice and glamorous dancing.

By the end of the night and it's like skank out!

- You gonna skank out?

All you've gotta do is lift it up and skank out.

Yeah, that's it. [laughs]

- Oh my god, it's so stunning. - She'll start off

all like the salsa moves, swanning around.

- All glamorous,

all posy. - Walk in there

all lovely, elegant. - And then be like.

- Hoist it up. ♪ Stop that, stop that.

Get that, all that, you know? - Yeah. [laughs]

- Brilliant, brilliant idea.

Grind.

- Grind.

- Grind.

- Grind. - Bump and grind.

- What does bump and grind mean though?

- It's like-- - I think it's like bump.

- Bump. - And grind.

- Bump, grind. - Grind.

[all laughing]

- How you feeling today?

- I dunno, I feel all right.

- Yeah, it's not nice,

breaking up with Lauren like that, was it?

I didn't like to see you like that,

all upset and Lauren upset.

- I didn't wanna do it like that to her.

- I know, got something to cheer you up hopefully.

- What's that, not another girl is it?

- [Mick] Come with me.

[upbeat music]

- [Kirk] No way!

- That'll cheer you up, won't it?

- [Kirk] Is that mine?

- [Mick] Yeah, you like that?

- Is it really mine?

- [Mick] Yeah, well who's number plate is that on it?

'Course it's yours.

- No way!

- [Mick] You like that?

There you go.

- Fucking hell, thank you mate, honestly.

- It's all right, you like it? - Come here.

Thank you.

- Busy?

- Yeah.

- What you been up to?

- Cooking. [laughs]

- How did it go?

- Quite a funny night actually.

- Didn't poison no one then?

- No, touch wood, I aint heard nothing yet,

so I hope they're all alive.

But it didn't help actually, his mom saying,

"Oh Lauren, you need to learn how to cook like his mother.

"He needs to feel like he's at home," blah, blah, blah.

Thought, oh God.

Yeah, no, it went well, to be fair.

They come with a bunch of flowers,

said congratulations. - Oh, that's nice.

- So, I thought that was quite sweet.

- So are you having an engagement party then?

- Yeah, this is the thing, I don't really know what to do.

I'm happy.

I don't know whether to do like a meal or a party?

Argent said a few things about, you know, he'd like to sing

and he'd like to organise it and everything.

He makes me laugh he does.

We've been seeing him quite a bit lately.

- Have you? - Yeah, just cracks me up.

It's like we're a little.

It's me, Mark and Arg all the time.

[Nicola laughs]

- Have you got any bikinis or anything?

- Some samples? - Yeah. we've got nice ones.

Yeah.

- [Amy] Oh my god.

- Diamantes.

- I think you should wear this one.

- Oh my god, how is that gonna cover my boobs?

- You only need to cover your nipples.

Minimalistic. [laughs]

- I seriously cant wait though for Marbella, can you?

- It's gonna be brilliant.

Go try that on. - All right, thanks babes.

- Really nice.

Let us know what you think, yeah?

- Should we be getting some more bits together?

Some outfits?

- Yeah.

Babes can you pass me the wedges please?

- Yeah.

- How's that bikini fitting Aim?

- [Amy] All right, looking like a bit like a porn star.

- What size is it a small?

- Yeah, the minute it's just literally.

- [Sam] Why is the top too small Aim?

- [Amy] What do you think babes?

- Show me.

- Wow. - Do you like it?

- It's lovely. - It's so lovely.

- The top is obviously small

because you've got big boobs.

We need to get bigger size in the top, maybe?

- I reckon like a medium or large in the top

because I think that I couldn't walk around like this

just in case my nipples come out.

- Maybe just one size up.

- Have you spoke to Kirk then?

- Not much.

I just think he's a piss taker.

In the space of what, three weeks?

He's gone from-- - He's gone from

taking you to a spa, being in love with you.

Telling me how much he loves you.

- Telling me to come off my pill.

He lives in this dream world. - What?

- Like Kirk's little dream world, where--

- He wanted you to stop taking the pill?

- Yeah!

- To make more of him in the world,

I don't think so.

- Thank God I didn't, I'm not that stupid.

- Don't wanna be preggers, Keith Cheggers.

- I don't wanna be Keith Cheggers

by a twat like that.

- You've gotta move on, definitely.

- I will, it'll just take a bit of time, that's all.

- What if he got with someone else?

- I'd be a bit gutted.

Well if he's gonna move on,

then I guess I have to move on.

- Yeah, we need to go out.

♪ M, O, N, E, Y

♪ Make it, take it, save it [car honking]

- Oh my god, here's Kirk.

- Kirk? [Gemma gasps]

- Oh my God. - Oh my God.

- [Kirk] Hi girls.

- [Amy] I don't like your car.

- [Kirk] Oh, thank you very much.

- Babe, it's beautiful!

- Kirk what's happened?

Where's the love affair between us gone?

You was meant to be buying a BMW from me.

- I'm sorry, yous was a good sales pitch,

but he surprised me my dad did.

- Aw, bless him. - I didn't know

nothing about it.

- But can I just say to you,

I'm totally loving the revere body kit on the car,

- Ah, and you know what it is. - The 22-inch alloy wheels

Oh my God, the privacy glass, the chrome.

It's making me breathless.

Brentwood is gonna love you in this car.

- Hopefully, hope someone does.

- You've cracked it.

- What are yous doing out anyway?

- Just going shopping for a bit.

- We're going Faces tonight, do you fancy coming?

- Are you gonna cruise down in the Range?

- Should I cruise down in the Range?

- Totally, Kirk. - 100%

- This is, I'm Kirk and I'm coming out, I'm single.

- I'm coming out?

I'm not coming out.

I'm in the closet, I'm not leaving it.

- You're coming out to Faces,

but you can just be like, "Yeah, look at me."

- You can't marry a Range Rover.

You cant sleep with a range rover, can you?

- I'll give it a good go. - But I think he wants to.

This is the thing, look at him in the car posing,

he's in love with it.

- Babe, I'll let you go,

'cause I'm getting pissed on at the minute.

So I'll see you soon.

- Well I'll see you at Faces, all right then?

- Yeah, see you tonight. - Thank you very much.

- Cheers, nice to see ya. - See ya later.

Bye. - Bye, babes.

- Right, come on then, what're you gonna wear?

Right, are you sure you don't mind me borrowing

some of your clothes?

- Well, if you can find something to fit into.

- [Arg] What about this jacket?

- Put it back. - Why?

- You ain't got enough trend for that.

- [Arg] What do you mean I aint got enough trend for that?

- Put it back.

- [Arg] Come on Mark, you're s'pose to be

helping me out - You need to be more basic.

- [Arg] All right, well then what about something like this?

Oh, I like this.

- Let me ask you a question,

do you think that's gonna fit ya?

I tell you, try it on.

- Exactly, yeah?

So you're looking in my wardrobe

and you cant even

get the sleeves on. - It's 'cause you go for the

skinny fit.

- Yeah, that's what you've gotta go for.

It's gotta be about that Italian looking slick.

At the moment, you just look like a basic Bill.

- You know what Mark,

I think I'm just gonna stick to my

Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin style.

- Here he goes, Penguin again.

- [Arg] Penguin?

- Listen, you don't look like John Travolta.

You don't look like Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra,

you look like Penguin out of Batman.

What can I say? [laughing]

- You're such a knob. [laughs]

- Na, only joking

[both laughing]

- How many photos have you got, Lydia?

- I know. - How many photos?

How many did you get developed the last time?

- About 400.

- 400 Lydia.

And are they just all of you and James?

- Yeah, most of them.

Think it's like years worth.

- Oh God, that's a lovely one that is.

God, when was that?

That seems like ages ago.

- These were Valentines day, last year, not this year.

- Where did you go this year?

Can't remember where you went this year.

- Nowhere.

- You didn't go anywhere for Valentines Day?

- No.

Did you get flowers this year?

- No.

- You didn't get no flowers, taken out, anything?

- No.

- Well it's going well then, isn't it?

- Hey, it's going well.

You just seem not yourself lately, Lyd.

I'm worried about you.

[upbeat music]

- [sighs] What's happening with you and Lydia, then?

How are yous getting on?

- Yeah, you know what I mean,

we're having our little lovers tiffs now and then,

but nothing too serious,

I think we'll always be the same really.

- Since I proposed to Lauren, best thing I ever done.

- Do you think?

- 100%, 'cause I'm in love with Lauren.

I enjoy going home to bed with her,

so why do I have to do other girls?

[Arg laughing]

If it gets too much though I'll end up bending you over.

[both laughing]

But I still love it, you know the best thing about it?

- What? - When you get engaged,

the men don't have to wear the ring.

So I can go out, and I'm sweet, you know what I mean?

Poor old Lauren's gotta go out with a ring on.

- Do you ever get a little bit like.

You see fit birds and that.

Do you ever get a little bit tempted?

- At the moment, no.

I mean, I'm happy, engaged,

but I know exactly where you're coming from.

Do you know what annoys me?

- What?

- You know when Lydia and Lauren go out?

- [Arg] Yeah.

- They get ready up to the eyeballs, don't they?

They try and look their best.

They do their hair, do their make-up.

Why are they doing that?

They're going out cause they still like the attention,

otherwise they wouldn't bother going out.

- Slags. [both laughing]

- Sod it.

To be fair, do you know what annoys me about you?

You're mister nice guy, everyone's like,

"Arg, he's so nice". - I am mister nice guy.

I am so nice. - Shush.

To be fair, I reckon, at the moment

you've got more potential of cheating than me.

- Why?

- You are like "Cor, look at her, look at her."

- [laughs] Look, I always say look, you're allowed to look,

but you cant touch.

- Yeah.

- A little bit of touching but. [laughs]

- Yeah, you will.

- I tell ya, you are definitely filling my boots.

- [Arg] No I'm not, what are you talking about?

- You are, definitely.

- How does it feel knowing that you'll only be

sleeping with Lauren for the rest of your life?

Just that one girl. [laughs]

- Do you really have to put it like that, seriously?

- [Arg] Just one girl for the rest of your life.

- Well, how about you?

- What? - What, 'cause you're engaged,

does that mean you can sleep about?

- [Arg] No, obviously I can't--

- To be fair you have been cheating on Lydia loads.

[both laughing]

- You're such an idiot.

[upbeat music]

♪ Turn the spotlight up

♪ Gonna get dirty on the stuff

♪ Breaking down the door

- [Kirk] Amy.

- You all right, Kirk? - How you doing?

- Yeah good, you? - You look nice.

- So do you.

- Thanks for inviting me down.

- That's all right, hun.

So, tell me what happened?

- I don't know, it's just, it's weird.

She done nothing wrong, nothing.

It's just my parents settled down too early,

and I could see myself settling down with Lauren,

but I didn't wanna do what my parents done, you know?

I wanna live my life.

I'm not so sure what I wanna do, don't know.

- Do you wanna get back with her?

- No, I've not had time to think, to be honest.

I do miss her, loads.

But, you know, split up with her for reasons.

The spark go out now, do you know what I mean?

- I always say if things are meant to be.

- Yeah, definitely. - And obviously it's not.

- But, I hate being on my own.

I wanna start dating but I'm just confused, you know?

I really don't know what to do.

- You really are confusing me.

- Yeah - You know what you should do?

Meditate.

I think you just sit there like pitch black room,

and meditate.

It sorts your head out so much.

- Do you do it? [laughs]

- Do I do it?

No, I aint got problems, Kirk.

You just need to sit down and really think about things.

Who're looking at? - In a dark room?

I'm just looking.

- Who at?

I've see Lucy, I was gonna, you know, talk to Lucy.

- [Amy] Go for it, chat her up.

- I don't think I'm good at flirting.

Well, I don't wanna flirt though.

- Why don't you tell her a chat up line?

- Give me one please?

- They call me Fred Flintstone,

- [Kirk] Why?

- I can make your bed rock.

- Brilliant, I'm not really much of a bed rocker.

I'm just joking! [laughs] [Amy giggles]

[upbeat music] [people chattering]

- What's the make up saying?

Is it saying like Oompa Loompa?

- No.

By the way, Chloe, what's my hair saying?

[Chloe laughs] Seriously what's it saying?

- [Chloe] It's saying, wit. [laughs]

- Is it?

I think what I gotta do is, I gotta--

- What's my boobs saying?

- A lot.

- So what happened with Lucy?

- Well, I was trying to get her number, aint I.

I gotta go get her number.

- She's still here tonight, you know?

- She's still here tonight?

- Yeah, be a gentleman, ask her out.

- I will, I'll go up to her later on.

And just say, "What's your number, I wanna take you out."

She's gonna say yeah, I know,

- Yeah. - So I'll take her out,

bowling.

- All right?

- Oh, all right, how are you?

- Good, you look nice.

- Thank you, don't look too bad yourself.

- What have you been up to anyway?

- You know me, out and about.

- Yeah, in SugarHut all the time.

- All the time.

- [Kirk] You're always out, do you enjoy going out?

- I love it.

- Yeah.

- Hey, by the way, behind ya Lucy, and Kirk.

- No way! - Yeah.

Looks like he's trying to flirt with her or something.

- Are you getting jel?

- What about any boyfriends?

You got any boyfriends?

- There's this guy that's been trying it on with me.

- Who?

- He tried it on with me the other night.

Do you know Joey Essex?

- Yeah, oh,

- Do you know him? - he's good looking isn't he?

- He is a good looking guy.

He's more of a boy though, than a man.

If you know what I mean?

- What am I?

[Lucy laughs]

I'm asking, I'm just putting the question.

- Yeah, you are a man.

- Am I? - Yeah.

- Then am I all right to try and woo ya, ya know?

[Lucy laughing]

- Say it how it is.

At least you're honest.

- At least I'm honest.

Do you reckon I could reign you in at all?

- Hmm, could try.

- [Kirk] Yeah?

[Lucy laughing]

- You know what he's like,

he's just gonna take her for one night, aint he?

- Listen, he is a goat.

She is mental.

- Yeah, I know.

- 'Cause he's just broke up with his girlfriend.

Would you really go there?

- They're coming over now, they're coming over.

Holding hands.

[relaxed music]

- [Amy] How's that pressure then hun, all right?

- Yeah, it's good, thank you.

- Training Paloma at the minute,

'cause you're still at college, aren't you hun?

- Yeah.

- You're still at college, so we just wanna get the right,

we need the Amy Child's massage, Maria.

[Maria laughs]

- [Maria] The Amy Child's manoeuvre.

- You've gotta have a spray tan

with Paloma. - Really?

Well if she's learnt from you,

so they'll I'll be nice and dark.

- Oh my God, have you heard about that tan?

You inject yourself and then all of a sudden you go orange.

- Oh my God, no, my friend used to do that.

- What's it all about? - Does it actually work

or what?

- It works, but it makes you like a dog on heat.

- No!

- [Maria] Yeah, major.

- Oh my God. - Can you imagine?

- Yeah, I as gonna say.

Obviously you wanna look good all the time but side effects,

you cant imagine.

So has all your friends had boob jobs, Maria?

- Think so yeah, what about yours?

- Yeah, quite a lot of mine.

- People slate it.

You know, they're like "Oh, you've had surgery."

I'm like "Oh, well you haven't."

Do you know what I mean? [laughs]

- Sort yourself out love. - Yeah!

- 'Cause Lauren's got hers done, ain't she?

- Yeah, oh my God, you'd die right!

If you see Lauren's boobs,

get her to show you them, they're like identical to mine.

- How are they the same?

- [Maria] Well we had the same surgeon.

- [Amy] How funny.

- Do you think everyone who's had that surgeon,

have got the same boobs?

[all giggling]

- [Amy] Would you have your boobs done again?

- Do you know what, I would, but I dunno.

- What size would you go to?

- Well, don't know, You cant really predict sizes.

Sorry, they're a bit uncomfortable. [laughs]

- You all right hun?

- You need boob holes in this, don you, not a face hole.

- Imagine that.

- That would be good. - Just sink in.

- Especially in Essex.

- Do you know what, what a good idea.

Boob hole. - Yeah.

Amy's boob holes.

- Amy's boob holes, professional boob holes.

[all giggling]

- Lyd, I've got some exciting news.

- What?

- You're not gonna believe this.

- [Lydia] Tell me.

- Might have bought a house, or a townhouse.

- No. - Yeah, well me and my dad,

well my dads helping me out.

Basically, we found this place in Woodford Green,

it's literally down the road,

but we'd have to start from scratch.

- Why, it's derelict?

- Yeah, derelict, what does that mean?

- Derelict means when it's like, ruined.

- That's exactly what it is.

It's basically, you have to start from scratch,

but it would be like our first place together.

What d'you reckon?

- Well are you really ready to move in with me?

- Stop being silly.

- Because I feel like you don't even wanna

spend time with me recently, so.

- Oh Lyds, stop being stupid.

- No, it' true.

You never wanna spend time with me,

and all you ever wanna do is be with with Mark,

so I thought you'd wanna be moving in with Mark.

- Look, obviously I've spent a bit of time with Mark.

Yeah, he's my best friend, it's hard for him getting engaged

and it's probably been a bit of a shock to the system,

so I've been there for him.

- What do you mean, "It's a bit of a shock to the system."?

If he's just got engaged, shouldn't he be with his fiancee?

- Yeah, but I've had to be there as well to help him out.

- I don't know how I can move in with someone,

the way you're acting at the moment.

- Well I think that would be a great shame

because there's a lot of potential in this place.

- Yeah, but is there a lot of potential in you?

- That's for you to decide, ain't it?

- I just think you've been letting me down so much recently.

- What, 'cause I've been goin on a few nights out with Mark?

- No, because, one, you don't ever answer my phone calls.

Secondly, you're always, always round Mark's,

and if ever I wanna spend any time with you, you don't.

Thirdly you never, ever take me out anywhere,

don't spend any time with me whatsoever.

- Yeah, but that's because I've been busy recently

tryna find us a house. - No, you haven't.

- No you haven't been busy. - An I've spent a bit time

with my best friend.

- I was looking non stop, James, for flats

and all things that.

You wasn't even interested one bit.

You're just obsessed with being with Mark the whole time.

- I never said that. - Then I was calling you

later on in the night,

and your friend answered. - Never said any of that.

- Mark answered and basically said, "oh, I hate it,

"that the fact that, that you think James is such a good boy

"and blame it on me the whole time, 'cause he's 100 times

"worse then me." - No, 'cause you were

having a go at Lauren.

- No, it wasn't having a go - You was with Lauren

having a go at Mark, swearing - at Lauren.

- at him, calling him this and that on the phone.

- Yeah, because he turned around to me

and said that you'd basically

cheated on me that night. - So he was winding you up.

- Yes, he did. - I was with

his sister, Jessica, Lydia.

- I've just got no trust in you whatsoever,

you lie to me all the time about where you're going.

You have girls, you're disrespectful.

You treat me with

no respect whatsoever. - It's a lie, Lyd.

When have I ever said that?

I was with Mark's sister.

- You said that at the weekend.

- I was with Mark's sister. - You said it at the weekend.

Mark said it as a windup.

- No, you said it. - 'Cause you and Lauren stayed

out and you were smashed. - You said it on the phone!

- You and Lauren stayed

and you were smashed. - Right, I stayed out

- You was tryna wind us up. - and had a drink,

I'm 20 years of age, I'm allowed to stay out

and have a drink. - Oh, Lydia, whatever.

- It doesn't mean that my boyfriend

doesn't answer the phone to me

and then tries to make out that he's taking girls

back to his hotel room. - Lydia, whatever.

- So Maria, how's Lauren after the break up?

- Do You know what, she's all right.

I've like seen the worst of it, 'cause I live with her.

She can do better and I've told her that.

- Yeah.

See, I feel quite awkward sometimes with Lauren

because I was with Kirk and then she was.

- I think she's cool, Lauren's not a jealous person at all.

He's the jealous one and you know that.

- Yeah, definitely. - Gets well jel. [chuckles]

- Gets well jel!

- He does, don't he. - Kirk, gets well.

He hates that word.

- Kirk hates it. - 'Cause it's created

about him that's why.

He is like the master of jel.

- 110% jel.

- Do you know what I've gotta big issue about, James?

- [Arg] About what? - That I was going out

with someone that loved me so much.

- [Arg] I still do.

- No you didn't.

- I still do. - No you don't!

Don't lie James, right. - I still do.

- You loved me so much,

you used to spend every single moment with me.

- I still do. - Stay round my house.

No, you don't.

When was the last time you

stayed around here? - Still see you all the time.

- When was the last time you stayed around here?

Three weeks ago?

- About three days ago.

- Oh my God, no it wasn't.

'Cause I'll get my mom in the room now,

and she will tell you the last time

that you stayed round, okay. - Wasn't that long ago.

- I cant go from having someone that used to spend

every single moment of the day with me, okay?

Love me so much, call me 24/7.

Used to go out to romantic meals.

Take me to the Dorchester for Valentines Day.

Take me to Gran Caneria for my birthday.

Spend literally all of your time with me,

to all of a sudden, literally,

just cutting me outta there life.

- I haven't cut you at all, Lydia.

- Never answer the phone to me when I call you.

You only call me unless you wanna find out where I'm going

and shout at me, never, okay!

Literally, you would rather spend time with anyone,

in the whole world, rather than me.

How can you stand here and say, "I wanna move in with you.

"I wanna build a house with you," and stuff like that.

When all you ever wanna do is sit around your mates flat

and just sit there and try and make me jealous

and try and play games with me.

I'm 20 years of age, I'm three years into a relationship,

I'm not playing stupid games.

I love you James, and I can't have you

showing me so much disrespect!

And, basically, every time I'm putting out for you,

just spitting on me.

That is what I feel like you're doing, James.

- I'm sorry. - Yeah, but

this is what you do,

you say you're sorry. - No I am, I'm sorry.

- You say you're sorry and then you'll do it again.

- Well let me prove it to you that I won't.

I'm sorry for upsetting you.

I didn't realise how strongly you felt.

- How can you not realise?

James, I cry!

I don't think for the past three, four months, James,

that a day has gone past without me crying.

I call you all the time crying to you,

so you cant stand here

and say you didn't know how I felt, James.

I sit here, I cry every single night because of you,

without fail.

Every single night, so you can't stand here and say,

"Oh, I don't know where this came from."

- I cant just say I'm gonna do it,

I'm gonna have to, in a way,

I'm gonna have to prove it to you and show you, okay?

Do you just want bit of space for a few days?

Chance to calm down, have a think about things, yeah?

Promise me you wont cry anymore?

- Promise you'll stop making me cry.

- Yeah, gimme a cuddle.

I love Lydia, gimme a cuddle. - I don't want

to have a cuddle. - Gimme a cuddle.

- [Arg] Let me tell ya, I love you.

I'm so sorry.

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

- Cheers. - Here's to singleness.

- Singletown.

- [Maria] Singleville.

- I don't know if I'm gonna like single town.

But then again, relationships are a stress anyway.

- [Maria] But they shouldn't be a stress,

a guy should add to your life.

- Yeah, true.

- A guy should make your life better, not worse.

Thing is with, Kirk, he sees the short term.

So he doesn't think,

I'll do that and that's gonna happen.

He thinks for himself.

He's very, very selfish.

- Yeah, he is. - What kind of guy

begs his dad for a Range Rover?

I'm sorry, but he's spoiled.

You want a man, you don't want a boy,

you want a man that works for himself,

not a boy that's gonna go, "Daddy, can I have a pay rise?"

- Hmm, I know.

- I know you love him, but seriously--

- I don't think I do anymore.

- [Maria] Really?

- [Mark] Is that you?

- [Nanny Pat] Yep.

- Cor, you look well different.

- Well I was only 21 then.

- You got married at 21?

- [Nanny Pat] Yeah.

- So if I got married now,

what's the big deal about everyone going mad about it?

- [Nanny Pat] Yeah well years ago you did get married early.

- [Mark] How olds granddad there?

- [Nanny Pat] 26.

- So grandad got married at 26?

- He was five years older than me, so getting on for 27.

- 'Cause he was about two or three years older than me?

- Now I got married on 50 pound.

- What the wedding cost - And that was all in.

- 50 quid? - Yes.

- What the alcohol? - Yes, yes, yes.

But we didn't go in a hall or anything.

What did you do? - We had it in

my mother-in-laws front room. [chuckles]

- Jesus. - So, yeah.

- Tell you what though, Nan, I love you to bits,

but you've had the same barnet for 60 years ain't ya, a?

[both laughing]

[upbeat rock music]

- All right, have you got table for two please?

- I'm just taking new girls on,

I sent one for page 3 the other day.

But I really need new models.

I really do.

- [Lauren] There must be loads.

- All right?

Excuse me sir,

can you just sit her down for two seconds please?

Is that all right?

- Can I talk to you a minute, please?

- Are you on a date?

- [Kirk] Can I come and talk you?

I just wanna talk to you, that's it.

- [Lauren] Well what do you wanna say?

- I just wanna talk to you.

- Well talk to me.

- [Kirk] I'm not talking like this.

- But you ended it like this.

- What's your name?

It's not Lauren, shut up.

- Well - Can I talk to you, please

Lauren? - I'm her friend.

- Are you on a date?

- [Kirk] Yeah.

Just wanna talk to you.

- With Lucy?

- Listen, just talk to me.

Will you talk to me or not?

I wanna sort this out.

- Then why you on a date?

- Just five minutes, Lauren, that's all.

- Well talk to me now.

- I'm not talking in front of your friends.

- Well you're on a fucking date anyway,

go and have your date. - I don't care.

Look, I will call the date off, I just wanna talk to you.

- Well call the date off then and come and talk to me.

- [Kirk] Are you gonna be on your own?

- Yeah.

- [Kirk] Yeah?

- Right, let me do this please.

I just need to sort this out. - This always happens to me.

- I will be back, I'm sorry.

- [Lucy] Go and talk to her, I want you to.

- [Lauren] You'll be back?

- I'm gonna be back.

I'm not just gonna randomly desert someone, am I?

- Well go have your date then.

- [Kirk] Is that it, yeah?

- Well, I obviously mean nothing to you,

if you go on a date. - No you do, that's why

I wanna talk to you. - You dump me and then you

come on a date with someone else.

- It's what people do when they're single,

I've not done it to hurt anyone, Lauren.

- What, get with a girl that I know?

- Not done it to hurt you.

I wanna talk to you. - How do you think

this makes me feel, seeing you on a date with Lucy?

- Didn't do it to make you feel bad.

- [Lauren] You know I know her.

You know I know who she is.

- Will you talk to me?

- How would you feel if I was on a date with Mark?

- Yeah, I know, I understand.

That's why let me talk to you.

- Well, get rid of your date,

and then you can come and talk to me.

- The dates gone.

- Do you think I'm gonna talk to you

while you've got your date waiting there?

- No, I wanna take you away.

- Well then send her home.

- You know what,

you can sit here with your friend and have a joke.

I'll leave my date. - You friend?

You're a mug! - Oi, listen.

- No, you're a mug!

- I'm a mug? - Yeah, you're a mug.

You see, you shut your mouth!

'Cause you just get involved. - You shut your mouth.

Why are you here? - Maria.

Why am I here? - Listen, Lucy!

- Why are you here? - Lucy!

- Why you giving it Kirk? - You know what?

How about I leave that date. - Oi, you do you know what?

You're a prick! - Oi, shut up you.

- You fucking shut up! - You're just a fucking extra.

- I'm an extra? - Lauren!

- Oh sorry, I'll leave the date,

I'll leave you. - mister main man!

- That's done, yeah? - You're a prick.

Everything's done.

I'll do it all. - Yes, charming Kirk, bye.

Thanks Lucy, really nice, yeah.

- [Maria] Lucy, why have you come in here with Kirk?

- I'm not being funny, but you don't even look up.

So you've got the bottle to go on a date with her ex,

and you don't even look up.

So who you gonna shag next then?

You've had Mark, what Arg?

You gonna do that to Lydia?

- Lucy, I spoke to you like a week ago,

and you saying, "oh I feel so bad," blah, blah, blah.

- Yeah, walk out cause you're a slag.

The local bike.

Oh my God, Lauren.

No, Lauren, you're so much better than that.

Don't cry.

- That's my honeymoon, Leysdown, Isle of Sheppey.

- Isle of Sheppey?

- Isle of Sheppey.

That was a holiday then, them days.

And we brought our own caravan as well for 90 pounds.

- You went to a caravan for your honeymoon?

- Yeah.

'Cause a lot of people don't have holidays, like, them days.

- You must look at it and think,

"Christ, it's so much different today."

- 'Course it is, yeah.

I mean, look how much it costs them today.

- Sometimes, I reckon this day and age, some girls,

especially Essex girls, they go around thinking,

"I just wanna get married,

"'cause I wanna big glam white wedding.

"I want the rocks, I want go Maldives for honeymoon."

This is more like we're getting married

'cause we wanna get married.

- Get married, that's right.

See and I wanted to get married to granddad,

but my dad wouldn't allow it.

- Why not? - He wouldn't allow it.

He never even give me away.

'Cause I was the only daughter.

- Cor, so I thought I had it hard with you lot

having a pop about me and Lauren being together.

You're dad wouldn't even give you away!

- He wouldn't give me away, no.

- Do you know what, this isn't an issue with Lucy.

End of the day she's single.

- Yeah, but she shouldn't have done that to you.

- The issue was with Kirk.

- He wants to be Mark, Lauren.

He wants to be Mark Wright.

And even Mark would not have done that to Lauren.

- Lauren, can I talk to you on your own please?

- Maria, please?

- Do you know what, I don't even wanna be around you anyway.

Lauren message me when you're done,

'cause I'll wait out there, 'cause he's a scum.

- I didn't even want that to go like that tonight.

I can't even do this like this.

I have fucked up so much

I really did.

Proper fucked it up.

I missed you so much, I really do.

I've never had a girlfriend before.

Honestly, I've missed you so much.

[groans] I cant do this.

Lauren.

- Why were you on a date with Lucy?

- I don't know.

I weren't talking to you

and I just took someone on a date.

And seeing you now I realise how much I've fucked up.

- Why pick someone that I actually know?

- It was just someone--

- You knew it would get back to me,

do you not think about my feelings?

- I know.

I shouldn't even because I fucked it up so much.

Honestly, I didn't realise how much I miss you

until I see you just now.

You know, I do love you so much,

and I've never felt way-- - No you don't.

You don't love me at all. - I do!

- Otherwise you wouldn't do that.

- I'm willing to fuck everything off for you now, I promise.

- No you're not. - I am, I promise.

- You're not.

- I think you think you're in love but you're not.

- I've never ever felt this way in my life before, ever,

and I don't think I ever will.

- That's bullshit!

You would not take Lucy out on a date if that were the case.

- How would you feel if that was me?

How would you feel?

- I wouldn't wanna see it.

Honestly, Lauren, I've missed you so much.

I have.

I'm sorry.

- I don't even know what to say.

I don't feel like you're the same person, anymore.

I think you've changed.

First of all you dump me, in public, in front of everyone.

Then, like, double whammy, you take Lucy on a date,

who I know.

How would you feel if I did that to you?

How would you feel if you walked in

and I was sat with Mark?

- I know, I wouldn't--

- If I was sat with someone you know?

- I wouldn't wanna see it.

- Well, then, why'd you it to me?

- My feelings, why I dumped you,

and the reason why I finishes you, was for my own reason.

- Well, then, you shoulda done it in private,

You should of done it away from everyone.

You've changed.

You're not the person I know, used to know.

You do what you wanna do.

- I want you, I really do.

- No you don't. - Lauren.

I do, I promise. - You don't.

- I promise I want you. - You don't.

- Do you think I want you back after you've

done this to me? - No, I don't think you do.

- You completely humiliated me over and over again.

- Have you kissed her?

- [Kirk] No, not kissed her.

Not kissed her, I promise.

Promise.

I've not kissed anyone.

I've never cheated on you, I never will.

I've not kissed anyone since I split up with you.

- But you fancy Lucy?

- I don't fancy her, I think she's good looking.

I don't know her.

I don't know her to fancy her.

I think she's good looking.

- You're a fucking piss taker.

[gentle music]

- [Narrator] Next time, on "The Only Way is Essex".

Will Amy manage to keep her baps under wraps?

Will Lydia give her Argy the bargy?

- Love you Lyd, give me a cuddle.

- [Lydia] I don't wanna cuddle.

- [Narrator] Which part of Chloe

will be doing the talking next week?

- What's my boobs saying?

- [Narrator] Is Kirk at another crossroads?

Which way will he turn?

- And I do love you so much.

I've never felt this way. - No you don't!

- I do! - You don't love me at all.

Otherwise you wouldn't do that.

- [Narrator] Who knows, these people are real

and anything can happen on "The Only Way is Essex."

♪ The only was is up, baby

♪ For you me and me now

♪ The only was is up, baby

♪ For you me and me now

♪ The only was is up, baby

♪ For you me and me now