Original subtitles

big watches and Nanny Pat's macaroons.

The tans you see might be fake

but the people are all real,

although some of what they do has been set up

purely for your entertainment.

Previously on "The Only Way is Essex"

- I've got you signed up to Ellie's slimming club.

- I wanna make a nice meal for your family.

- Look at you getting up their arse look!

- What, you're scaring me?

- I think we should be single.

- He just like completely humiliated me.

- I do honestly think that I'm in love with you.

[upbeat music]

- [Announcer] One step beyond!

[upbeat music]

- Arg, hurry up come on!

[upbeat music]

- We'll have a little stretch now and warm down.

Can you get your leg up there?

What the fuck's that noise?

- It's cling film.

- What is that?

- I've got cling film on my legs.

Mark, I've gotta get into this new suit,

I've been wanting to wear it for ages.

- What the fuck that's gonna do?

- Help me lose weight!

- You are such a dope.

You should diet and run.

You aint gotta stick cling film around your stomach!

- It makes you sweat and stuff.

- Come on up you come, right up.

- Its swing night.

Its a big night for me

I'm singing and doing a big set.

You'd better be there.

- Cant believe I'm gonna be missing it

- What do you mean you're gonna miss it?

- Lauren's cooking for me, my mum, my sister and my Nan.

- For Christ's sake Mark, you aint seen me sing for ages

- I'm an engaged man now Arg.

- I knew this, all things would change.

- New routine to life. - I knew it would all change.

I knew it wouldn't be the same.

- Lets stretch your back out, turn round.

Link me arm, ready. [back cracks]

- What is this doing? - Stay there for a minute.

- [laughs] What you doing?

- You alright mate? - Yeah.

- Yeah. Feeling a bit better today?

- Yeah, I dunno. I still no--

- Just leave that there, that's it,

- Not really - move that cushion

- Feel it wasn't, dunno, still have doubts,

not feeling better.

Na, I dunno if I done it the right way.

- Yeah. - Yeah. I dunno.

- It was the only way you knew how wasn't it? Like that?

- Yeah, I know, but I didn't say much.

Horrible.

The most horriblest thing I've ever done.

- Tough for me and all having to sit there,

I didn't realise that was gonna happen,

didn't know you were gonna tell her there and then,

like that.

What did you say to her?

Cause you didn't actually tell me in the end

what you said to her.

- I didn't really talk.

I kept saying I don't know how to say this.

I had to get it out the way.

- You've done it now anyway, aint ya?

Have you spoke to her or text her or anything?

- Text her briefly.

- [Mick] Is she all right?

- Not really.

- She was quite upset, weren't she?

- I feel bad.

- Soon as I sat down I knew something bad was gonna happen.

You know when you just get that gut feeling.

- Have you heard from him?

- Not really, he messaged

like about ten minutes after just saying he was sorry.

Its so hard.

I couldn't imagine like cutting him off.

I'd really struggle just cutting him out of my life but...

I dunno what I want right now.

I dunno, I wish I knew.

Right now, I'm just fucked off with it all.

I cant believe, I'm still in shock

of how he did it.

I thought he was the one like really early on straight away.

I just thought, I think I've met my husband.

- Do you still love him?

- Yeah.

It's just shit.

Its shit being on my own. [cries]

[upbeat music]

- James!

- Lyd.

- What are you eating?

- Nothing. I haven't eaten anything.

- I thought you started your diet today.

- I have started my diet today.

For gods sake, I haven't stopped,

I've been running all morning.

I've just had enough Lyd, I've surely had enough.

I've been trying my best but nothing seems to be working

- Well just... I don't care whatever size you are,

you know I don't.

- You say that but I'm just thinking to myself

is she gonna maybe get tempted to a slimmer Arg

with abs, a better singer who drives a range rover

or something like that. - Oh James, don't be silly.

I love you, you know I love you.

- I know but I just feel like I'm letting you down.

- I'd always choose you over anyone, you know I would.

Okay? - Okay.

- I Love you.

- So what you been doing?

- No, nothing much.

- Busy week?

- Gym with Arg and stuff like that,

seeing Lauren a little bit as well so......

- Any arguments yet?

- No, not at all.

- Is the wedding off?

- Ahhh, [laughs], cheeky devil.

- Lauren thought it'd be a nice idea

if she were to cook dinner for everyone.

[all laugh]

What's funny?

- Lauren's never cooked,

you've always done the cooking when she's been around.

- Well, she's got the cookbooks out

and she's been really trying,

cause she's gonna do it at ours.

Obviously she feels a little bit like...

- She will wait on us hand and foot.

- Yeah. - Yeah, okay.

- She wants to prove to yous that

she can be a good, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law,

and granddaughter-in-law.

- Its more important to be a good wife than

worry about us. - than anything else.

- Its looking after you and cooking meals for you.

- Cooking and washing and everything else, isn't it?

- God help Lauren. [laughs]

- She must have learnt some things then

while you've been away from her

because she could never cook before

and she never knew how to clean and...

- Well she used to cook me one trademark dish.

- What's that?

- Meatballs in like a tomatoey spicy sauce with salad.

- Nanny don't like meatballs,

she don't like garlic. - I don't like meatballs

and I don't like curry and I don't like peppery things so...

- We wont be coming. [laughs]

- If the fish shops open,

I'll have a bit of fish and chips. [all laugh]

- So honey its your first day today.

Are you nervous?

- Yeah a little bit. I'm excited though.

- What do you love doing?

- I like make-up, that's the best,

eyelashes, things like that.

- What about waxing?

Are you good at all that?

- I'm all right at that.

- If someone come in with like a proper hairy growler,

how would you deal with that?

- I'd get a lot of wax out.

- Imagine if it was like going GRRRR to ya.

- I'd ask for help. [all laugh]

- Harry!

What I want in the salon is a bit of Amy.

At the minute, you've got no Amy Childs in you.

So what were gonna try and do is give you a bit of a tan,

quite a bit of a glow on your face,

and then we might get you a push up bra as well.

- And some lip fillers and some cheek implants.

- Do you want a boob job Harry?

- 100 percent, left, right, and centre.

- How about that then?

Turn up for the books?

- Well, it remains to be seen. Don't it?

- I don't think she has ever cooked. Has she?

Has Lauren ever cooked anything?

- [Jessica] Well, Mark says she's made him--

- [Nanny Pat] Perhaps she's been going to cookery lessons?

- [Carol] Maybe, Marks probably taught her to cook.

Cause whenever she was at the flat

Mark always cooked for her,

and she's never cooked here, has she?

We've always cooked for her.

- Mmm, well maybe she's learnt.

- Maybe she's learnt.

- That's it, you don't know do ya?

- Maybe she knows how to win Mark's heart?

I've always said whoever can cook

and put food on the table for Mark,

they've won him over.

Cause that's all he cares about is his food.

I used to say that to her

and I used to think that she would learn.

I used to say, Lauren if you want to win Mark

learn to cook for him.

- Yeah, I mean, I'm up for it,

and you know, give her a go

but I might have to eat before we go!

- No that's really wicked.

No I think that anybody can cook.

I'm sure she can cook if she wants to.

- Oh, are you sure?

- I'm only joking Lyd you've got a lovely figure.

Oh hello!!

[all clap and cheer]

- Well done James, well done.

I just wanna welcome ya to the club,

you are our first male so a bit exciting for the ladies

but you've come to the right place, let me tell you that.

I did actually ask you to keep a food diary for me,

you can read it out for us Arg.

- Oh, we'll be here all day!

- Right, can I start Debbie?

- Course James

- Right, for breakfast I had an orange juice

- [Ellie] Okay.

- With fried eggs, beans, bacon and toast.

- [Debbie] Four fried eggs. [all laugh]

- Its not funny.

For lunch I had Nanny Pat's macaroons.

- Macaroons? [all laugh]

Well, its clear to see what the problem is here,

isn't it Arg?

- He's not finished Ell, he's only at 11 O'clock in the day.

- That wasn't 11 that was at one o'clock.

- [Ellie] Sorry

- Right, for dinner, I had a still water.

- Very good. [all clap]

- And a steak and onion baguette.

- Oh, not very good then.

- For my main course I had a rack of ribs,

with chips and coleslaw.

- Okay

- For desert I had sticky toffee pudding.

- Oh James!

- That's all I ate.

- That's all? [all laugh]

- That's pretty much all I had.

I think before I went to bed I had a cup of tea

and biscuits. [all laugh]

- From now on you can have chicken, salad and water

and a glass of rose.

- [Debbie] Yeah, that's about it.

- [Ellie] Can you please open up

and tell me why you're looking so sad?

- I just don't know if I can do this.

- You are going Marbella

and you are getting that Marbs body, so, no carbs

- [Group] Before Marbs.

- Come on, James join in.

- [Group] No carbs,

- Before Marbs.

[all clap]

- So Arg you need to eat melons. [laughs]

Not Lyds! [all laugh]

- I don't have any. [all laugh]

[theme music]

- [Both] Five, four, three, two, one

- Oh my god. Oh babe, gimme a kiss,

you look beautiful. - You look amazing,

look at you! - Babe.

- Oh my god, I like it.

- You like it? - Yeah, its great.

- You look amazing

and I think the Amy makeover has been successful.

- Babes, come here, gotta have a look at this pose.

- Oh my god you look so alike you might be sisters!

- Look at the hair.

Close your eyes babe.

Look at the bloody eyelashes.

- Babe I'm so jeal right now.

They're just stunning.

- Does it look good?

- It's a complete difference and people are gonna love it.

People are gonna walk in the salon and think

wow, I see a clone and there gonna love it,

they're all gonna love it.

[heels clicking]

- Chloe?

- Yup.

- How you doing, you alright?

- Yeah I'm good, thanks.

- You look all right, don't ya?

- Thank you.

- I've got this swing party later,

do you wanna come with me as everyone's going in couples?

And I'm on my own.

Really? - Yeah.

- What about your girlfriend?

- Oh do you know what?

Its bad, I split up with her, it was bad.

I still feel bad.

But everyone's going with couples and stuff like that.

- All right, okay. - You know,

and I wanna go with someone.

I wanna go with you cause I've been working with ya.

- Aww, that's really nice.

I am flattered but I can't.

- What you doing instead?

- Well there's something you don't know

because we don't know each other that well yet.

- Yeah.

- I've got a daughter,

- That's alright. - And responsibilities.

- There's nothing wrong with that.

I'll take you out another night?

- Yeah.

I'm up for that, definitely, yeah?

- Okay, then cool.

- All right brilliant, I'll see you later.

- Bye.

- See you later.

- [Amy] Cut this right here, but basically...

All right Joe!

- Hi. All right.

- [Amy] How are you?

- Yeah, good thanks, you?

- Good thanks hon.

This is Paloma.

- Alright Paloma, nice to meet ya.

- She's my new assistant.

How are you?

- Yeah I'm good thanks, you alright?

- Ah, lovely seeing you.

Have a seat there.

- Right.

- So honey,

Paloma's my new assistant

so I'm gonna let her be in charge

of talking to you professionally.

- All right then, well basically I'm here today

I wanna get a spray tan Aim.

- Have you had a spray tan before?

- No, I've never had one.

- [Paloma] So you don't know what you've gotta do?

- No, I don't wanna go too orange,

don't wanna go Oompa Loompa, do you know what I mean?

- Its not a good look.

- Cause obviously I'd look like an idiot.

- No, we wont make you orange,

we'll do you a nice natural colour.

- Cause I glow naturally anyway like this,

this is my normal tan.

- Okay, perfect.

Obviously you've gotta wear a hat,

do you wanna wear a hat or not?

- [Paloma] You don't have to

but you don't want your hair going ginger.

- No I don't wanna look ginger.

- You've gotta strip naked, do you know that?

- Yeah, you've got to be naked

- What everything out?

- [Paloma] Yeah cause you gotta tan everywhere.

- Ah wicked. [all laugh]

- All right, what's happening Kirk?

- Hello Mate.

- How ya doing?

- Where's the old ball and chain?

- Shut up don't start all that.

- Well congratulations mate.

- Cheers mate. - Big step innit?

- Yeah well I thought everyone's going out with a bird

and everyone's tied down, you, Arg,

everyone so I thought--

- No, got rid of Lauren, didn't I?

- No way! Just got rid of her yeah?

- Yeah, it sounds bad don't it?

It just weren't working for me, not for her.

I just felt bad so I just...

- Was she upset?

- Yeah, she was. I was.

Was fucking crying, didn't know what to do but

to be honest now you're under the thumb

gets me more birds now [both laugh]

- Under the thumb, yeah right, never!

- Is that what it's like?

- No, not all, since I've give her the ring,

she's got her security. - She knows you're there.

- She knows if I'm going out

and I'm an engaged man so I can't really...

- So you can go out when ever you want?

- Exactly.

- That's all right cause later on I've got a party,

a swing party in here if you wanna come.

- You've killed me,

she's cooking dinner for me mum and Nan.

- Oh you are under the thumb!

Do you not wanna come? [both laugh]

- No I wanna come, but I've already organised that,

you are under the thumb!

- All right, but if she does let you come mate

honest let me know and you're more than welcome.

- If she lets me come out!

Thank you very much man, I'll let you know.

Cheers Kirk I'll speak to you later on.

- It's a pleasure my man, take it easy. Cheers mate.

[car beeps]

- Swing night tonight yeah.

Mark and Lauren's busy I think preparing a meal

and that sorta stuff.

I think she's trying to make an effort for Jessica,

Jessica and Carol,

I think she's trying to impress them and that.

- I think its important they spend time together,

a fresh relationship, a new start,

forget about the past and actually be like a proper couple

and go everywhere together.

- They spend more than enough time with each other

- James. Sometimes you have to put people first.

Okay, you shouldn't be number one in his life,

okay, cause you're very, very tactile with Mark.

- Tactile?

- Very, very touchy, kissy, touchy.

- What! We don't kiss each other!

- [Debbie] Yeah, but you're touchy feely, aren't you?

- Not really.

- I think you and Mark really need to sit down

and discuss your sexuality, James,

because at the end of the day

maybe you've got a gay side to you

maybe, actually, cause men struggle with that.

It actually doesn't come out until later in life.

I know, James, can I be honest with you?

I know loads of people that actually got married,

had children, and then come out that they were gay.

So rather than it get to that stage with my daughter,

why don't you think about it,

you and Mark sit down and talk about it.

- I'm not gay.

I don't think you could ever call me and Mark gay.

- Right, I'm gonna do one more on your body

because you'll look like you've got more of a six pack

when you're a bit darker.

Lovely, beautiful.

- Do you reckon this is the Joey Essex tan

or do you reckon its gonna be?

- Babes you've got the Joey Essex tan,

but its completely natural ain't it Paloma?

- [Paloma] Yeah definitely

- Do your pout.

Is that a pout?

- No.

- You look like a bulldog. [Amy laughs]

- How you finding it? Was it nice?

- Yeah I loved it, proper.

- [Paloma] You've got that healthy glow.

- [Amy] Do you go like that when you go away?

- Yeah I go well brown,

I think I've got Spanish in me.

- Are you Spanish though?

- No. [all laugh]

- Do you know any Spanish?

- Yeah.

- What is it?

- Ula. It means hello.

- Ula? [laughs]

- I think you mean Hola?

- You mean Hola?

Joe, I love you! - What have you got in you?

- I dunno, a bit of Irish.

Did you know that Ireland is a different country to England?

- Yeah because it's an island.

[phone beeping]

- Hi Kirk, It's Chloe calling you,

I'm just ringing to tell you that I can come tonight.

I managed to get a baby sitter.

So I'm really looking forward to it

and I cant wait to see what you're wearing.

I'm gonna be very Audrey Hepburn

so I'll see you tonight, bye.

- Well Debbie, you know how you usually come up

with these fancy sayings and stuff like that,

- Yeah.

- Well, I've got one for you.

Its called bros before hoes. [laughs]

Why are yous not laughing?

- [Debbie] Is that funny?

Is that meant to be funny?

Bros before hoes? - She's not a hoe!

- [laughs] I'm not calling her a hoe.

- You just called Lauren a hoe.

- Isn't it hoes as in tights? Hosiery?

[both laugh] - No!

- What does it mean? - [laughs loudly]

- I don't get what it means.

I thought you meant hosiery as in tights?

- No as in like...

- It means hoe as in, I'm not saying it.

- As in like, bitches.

- No, its short for, hoes is short for...

- Whores! [laughs]

- Well that is...

- [laughs] I'm not calling you a whore!

I'm not calling your daughter a whore.

- He just called me a whore mum.

- That is disgusting.

- All right, lets just forget about it.

- No James! That is absolutely disgusting.

- Lets just forget about bros before hoes.

- I thought he meant like bros as in brothers

and hoes as in hosiery...

[laughs] - As in tights!

I was willing to accept that, James,

but whores I'm not willing to accept.

[both laugh]

- Hello, how are you?

- I'm alright, I was shopping in Brentford

and I thought I must come and see the shop.

- Yeah. How you been?

I've haven't seen you in a while,

you're looking well.

- Thank you. Did you hear about it all?

- Yeah, I was gonna say to you

I've heard about the engagement.

- I just couldn't believe it,

literally, I dunno if it's because of their relationship

but I just honestly couldn't believe it.

- No I just didn't think they'd ever get back together.

- I didn't!

- I thought it was completely over and that's it, finished.

- I felt like I had to get stuff off my chest

before he goes ahead and gets married,

do you know what I mean?

I've never actually been that honest with him, have I?

We've never had this conversation

so I was really nervous about talking to him.

I just told him how I felt and whatever

and he was like "Oh, i really appreciate you telling me."

And in his face I don't think he really knew what to say.

He wasn't expecting it

and I was just said to him I'll see you soon.

Now I just feel like, its better like me telling you

so I feel I can move on

without ever regretting that I never told you that,

if you go ahead and get married to Lauren.

So, yeah.

- Have you seen Lauren?

- No, oh well we see her at the SugarHut,

they all come in, celebrated the engagement together,

oh my god it was so awkward!

- We're meant to be celebrating tonight,

she's invited us round for dinner.

- Oh really?

- I've never seen her cook

and she's never cooked indoors with us,

we've always done the cooking

so it will be very interesting.

- [Sam And Billie] Interesting!

- With like Mark and Lauren it's not always Mark is it?

Its not always been Mark?

- Oh no! I've always said this its not Mark's fault.

I always say this,

she's just equally as bad as what Mark is,

she's allowed Mark to do what he did,

I think they literally play it against each other.

But let's just hope this time it works.

- I don't really know what to do

cause I wouldn't want to get everything out.

Do you want me to put all the prawn cocktails into one bowl?

- What do you mean?

- [Lauren] Because look at these,

do you want me to put them all together in one bowl?

- You could do.

- Yeah?

- [Mark] Yeah, you could do.

- Have you got any bowls?

- [Mark] Yeah, there a glass one underneath the cupboard.

- Okay.

Okay.

Oh god.

- Do you think you're gonna be alright doing this or what?

- Do you wanna help?

- Well to be fair it you whose meant to be impressing

- Huh?

- [Mark] It's you whose meant to be impressing

not really me, you know what I mean?

I will help out if you need cause obviously

this aint one of your trademark dishes, is it?

Its one of mine so... - Exactly.

I suppose I should be helping

but I'm watching a bit of telly

so you just do it for a minute

and if you get stuck I'll help.

- You just sit there, yeah?

- Well that is kinda the idea, aint it?

- Huh?

- That's kind of the idea.

- Right, okay. - You're so lazy.

Why are you so nervous?

- I'm not, I'm just waiting to start.

I don't really know what, I'm not nervous.

Have you got enough pans to cook all this in

so I can do it separately?

- You know where the pans are.

I haven't moved them since you was last here.

- [Lauren] There's none in there.

- Oh I have actually, yeah I moved them.

They're underneath the oven now.

- Why'd you put them here?

- When you left I wanted to change everything

so it didn't remind me.

- God, why... [pans clang]

look at this filth.

- What you talking about?

- [Lauren] I don't know how you can cook like this,

its gross.

- I don't cook that's why,

I normally eat out,

now that you're back

you'll have to start making sure its all clean.

I'm trying to watch a bit of telly,

cant you just get on with it,

without all this business, useless.

- Oh dears, look. [laughs]

[upbeat music]

[jazzy music]

- What time are they coming?

- Dunno, in a minute I suppose.

How are you feeling?

- I'm feeling like I need some calming pills

for your family.

- [Mark] Why you so nervous?

- They're all gonna be horrible.

- [Mark] You're gonna be fine.

As long as you don't burn the salmon, you'll be fine.

[knock at door]

- [Group] Hello.

- You all right? - All right.

- Ah, are they for me, thank you.

- Congratulations. - Thank you.

- How are you, love? - Nice to see ya.

- You all right? - [Both] Mwah.

- Hi. - Hi, how you doing?

- Congratulations. - Thank you.

I poured you all a drink already.

I know what you like.

- You know the way to my heart. [laughs]

- [Lauren] Go on then.

There you go.

- Ah, thank you.

- Right, cheers everyone.

- [Group] Cheers.

- Congratulations. [glasses clink together]

- Congratulations. - Thank you.

- [Mark] I've just had to give Lauren

some calming pills before you got here, she's so nervous.

- Don't be nervous, I'm sure it'll be lovely

and you know us well enough

that you don't need to be nervous.

- No, its nice,

I'm really glad that you've all come round.

- And you've cooked it all yourself?

- I've cooked it all myself. That's true.

- Yeah, well then he'll love you then for that won't he?

- Yeah, I know, He's been giving the orders all day.

- That's it definitely.

- I've said to her Nan,

she aint just trying to impress you,

she's also gotta impress me as a housewife.

- Oh god. - Of course she has.

- She hasn't done it up for 10 years.

[all laugh]

- This is her time to prove herself

- No, I don't need to though.

[forks clang]

- Can I say one thing?

This is it now, you make it, yeah?

You make it and if you don't

then you need to let go.

- [Carol] Both of yous have just gotta grow up, really,

but then you are still kids

and I think that's the problem with the pair of you.

- [Mark] Well were not gonna do anything rushed.

- I don't think you should rush it.

- No, I don't.

- We're not rushing anything.

- See how you get on,

you've gotta try and get on as if you've just met

not just met, but you've only been together--

- [Mark] This is like the honeymoon period.

- You say honeymoon period again

but what for like the ninth time?

- No, this is something new,

rather than getting back together like we've done

50 thousand times like you've just said,

this is new.

[swing music]

- Oh Sam, hello honey,

this is to us Minnie's.

- This is to us being successful business women,

to Minnie's and to Amy's Salon.

- Cheers babe. - Cheers.

- See I'd just love a shop like in Birmingham

or in Manchester,

I think it would do really well there.

- I just think with the salon and Minnie

they could work in Essex or in Marbella,

or maybe London and then Liverpool.

- Fulham, Chelsea lovely areas, do you know what I mean?

- I think they'd just take the mickey out of us.

- Yeah, [posh voice] oh shut up.

- [posh voice] oh shut up.

[both laugh]

- How funny.

[chewing and forks clanging]

- Are you gonna have an engagement party or anything?

- Oh yeah. - Yeah probably, yeah.

- You are?

- That would be really nice, actually.

- Are you like doing an engagement

and then leave it or are you going for the full hog

and you're planning on getting married?

- [Mark] Do you mean are we rushing it, then no.

- [Jessica] It could be not next week, more next year.

- Does that mean yous all happy

and accept me and Mark being back together,

and engaged?

- [Nanny Pat] Well if you're happy, we're happy ain't we?

- Good.

- I mean its not about,

you've gotta remember Lauren

its not about us not wanting you.

- [Carol] It's just all that arguing

and the fights and arguing.

- We don't want you to get engaged

and then break up again in a few months time.

- [Lauren] I don't either. Oh my god.

I don't think Mark's as bad as everyone makes out.

I think he's really changed.

I think he's realised, seen other girls,

been with other girls, but nothing compares to me.

I believe that and I know it

and I'm glad that he's done it now.

Because I know that deep down he loves me,

its more than just, otherwise we wouldn't be together.

[swing music]

- Thank you for coming tonight.

- Thank you for so much for inviting me.

- And your daughter?

- Yeah my Nan had her in the end.

- So it didn't cause trouble, did it?

- No.

- Have you had a good night tonight?

- Yeah its been really good.

- You look nice.

- Thank you, so do you.

- Do you think that I look like a cheap James Bond?

You do, you can admit it cause I feel like it.

- [laughs] No, you look very handsome.

- [Amy] Are those two seeing each other now?

- No they're not seeing each other.

You've obviously heard about Lauren and Kirk, did ya?

- No!

- Splitting up, they've obviously parted their ways.

- Lauren and Kirk aren't together?

- No they're not together at the moment, no.

- Oh my god, what happened?

- Its a long story.

- Oh, that was lovely.

- [Jessica] That was amazing, wasn't it?

- Beautiful.

- Are you ready for your dessert?

Chocolate profiteroles? - Yes.

- Before you do that I'm gonna say goodbye.

- What?

- What do you mean?

- Arg is singing at some swing night

and I can't let him down.

- Swingers night?

- Swing night. [all laugh]

- What's a swinging night?

- Swing as in swing music.

- Yeah, I've never missed one of his gigs ever.

Then I see him today and he was like really upset

and gonna lose his confidence

so I've gotta go and surprise him.

- In other words--

- So in other words you're leaving us here

while you go out and [chugs]

[all laugh]

- I'm not gonna go out and get drunk.

I wont be late all right.

- Does that mean I can go out, yes?

- [Nanny Pat] Have you got a key?

- Yeah, I've gotta key, of course.

I'll see you later on, thanks for that.

- [Jessica] Ooh what the hell is that all about?

- [Mark] Why you got the hump?

Listen I won't be late.

- [Jessica] Thanks, bye.

- Make sure that you please, please clean it all up

cause I wanna come into it all being cleaned.

- [Nanny Pat] Make sure you've got a key.

- I wont be here, bye.

- [Jessica] Idiot.

- Recently, my whole life's changed.

- Yeah.

- Because for seven years when I was with her father,

I had a mortgage and a normal job

and I didn't walk around like this.

- Did you not?

- No, when I broke up with her dad,

I went on a trip to Marbella which was a disaster.

Cause everyone was hot, everyone had boob jobs,

everyone looked amazing and

I'd just had a baby so I was a bit like "oh my god"

and then...

- No I bet you looked all right.

You can't care what other people think.

- Yeah but I didn't look like this before.

- What did you look like?

You couldn't have looked much different?

- I was blonde.

- Was ya blonde?

- And I didn't have any boobs.

- That doesn't matter,

its helped out but--

- And I was a bit fatter. [laughs]

- Was ya? - Yeah.

- So you've blossomed have ya?

So what about with baby's dad?

Does he still see her?

Is he still part of baby's life?

- Yeah, we're still friends.

He's really funny, he's really nice person.

- That's good then, aint it?

- Yeah and he's cool, I do what I do.

- My mum, she brung us up

but then my dad always chipped in

always looked after us and stuff like that.

- It's not what I wanted at all

and I feel guilty to this day about it.

I wanted her to have a mum and dad

and I want a traditional what I think.

- What is traditional nowadays though?

- I wanted a mum and a dad in the same house.

- Nah, I don't think.

I grew up with no dad in the house,

he was always there you know.

I'm a bit of a bastard

but I'm alright sometimes you know. [both laugh]

[upbeat music]

[talking in background]

- Kirk, all right.

- Hello mate, how you doing? You done it mate.

- Listen what did I tell ya,

never been under the thumb, never will be.

- I can't believe that Mark's just arrived

without Lauren and they've just got engaged.

- I know, it's bad ain't it?

- This ongoing battle with Mark, Lauren, you,

I think now Lauren's got the ring on her finger.

She feels like she's finally won.

Are you gonna let it happen,

are you gonna leave it?

- Well I dunno.

There's not much I can do really, is there?

- So you've not even got your feelers out there at all now?

- What do you mean? With other girls?

- Yeah.

- No, you know, its Lauren now

and I'm moving forward with her at the end of the day.

- I'm pleased about that.

I think a break showed you what you were missing?

- 100 percent, every time that I seen her

and she was seeing someone else,

I just proper couldn't handle it.

You can be my wing man now anyway,

if a girl latches onto me I'm gonna have to throw 'em over,

Kirk's single now, I'm not.

- That means I'm gonna get a few then [laughs]

But, are we gonna have a drink?

I've got you one here.

- Yeah, definitely.

Definitely, cheers anyway.

- Cheers mate, congratulations.

- Cheers, pal.

- I feel bad everyone, cause we invited you out for dinner

but I suppose Arg'll want to see him as well.

- Mark always wants to go out, let's be honest.

- I don't think he does actually,

I think he finds it really boring.

It's more, I wanna go more than him.

I think he's more bothered about me going out

than I am about him.

I actually don't care when he goes out

[all laugh] I don't.

- Trust him if he goes away with the boys?

- Yeah.

[all laugh]

- Oh Lauren, Lauren, come on.

- Do you know why? - Wake up to yourself darling.

[all laugh]

- All right Lucy, you alright?

- All right Joey, oh like the braces.

- Thanks babe.

You still annoyed with me about last week?

- It just annoyed me a bit what you said.

- Why you got the hump with me for about what, about Mark?

I'm not like him at all.

- Really?

At the end of the day Joey

I want a man not a boy, you've gotta know your own mind.

And if the fact you saying

that you wanna be like someone else

rather than being who you are was a bit like mmm.

- You was all over him last week, did he give you the elbow?

- Hah?

- You was all over him, did he give you the elbow?

- Oh my god.

- You was though weren't ya?

What you gonna do, do you wanna come up with me next week

or what?

- Well, you have a little think in your head

and decide whether you're like him

or your own person, and then ask me again, yeah?

- I'm not gonna say a bad word about him am I?

- Speak to you next week.

- [Sam] Hi Joe. How are you?

- Alright Sam. You all right?

- Yeah good thanks. You look good in fancy dress.

- Yeah I know, you look good.

- Doesn't actually look like fancy dress though,

looks quite nice.

- What is that zebra skin?

- No, it's from the shop, its from Minnie's.

- Oh is it?

What you been up to?

- I've been single for a while now.

- Have ya? Love it?

- I do, but I love the idea of having a boyfriend,

at home watching films thing like that but I mean I dunno.

So are you single then? - Yeah.

I'm proper single. - Have you had a girlfriend?

Have I had a girlfriend?

- What do you look for in a girl then?

What's your type in girls?

- I always go for a nice personality, like you.

[both laugh]

- You know what.

She's just trying to make me jealous and it aint gonna work.

- Nice lipstick, do you know what I mean?

- Lipstick, what like mine?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly like yours.

- Do you think I've got nice red lips?

- Yeah, I wanna kiss it.

- Do you? - Yeah.

- Oh that's nice, thanks.

You're actually a really good looking boy to be fair.

You do look a little bit like Mark though.

- Do you reckon? - Yeah.

- I thought I looked like Leonardo DiCaprio.

- Oh come off it, you've gotta do harder than that darling

in your braces. [both laugh]

- [Narrator] Next time on "The Only Way is Essex"

Has Lauren cooked up the right recipe for success?

- Is that it?

- [Narrator] Will Arg manage to keep his weight under wraps?

- You are such a dope.

- [Narrator] Will smooth talking

Joey Essex ever charm any ladies onto a date?

And will Mark continue to dress like Little Chris?

Who knows, these people are real

and anything can happen on "The Only Way is Essex"