Original subtitles

big watches and Nanny Pat's cheesy hedgehog.

The trotter paint you see might be fake

but the people are all real,

although some of what they do has been set up purely

for your entertainment.

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

- [Arg] I love ya Lyd.

- [Lydia] I love ya.

- Come on Mr. Darcy.

Come on. [pig snorts]

So I've been thinkin'. - Yeah?

- And I think that we're at the point

of the relationship now.

We've been together for a long time

- Yeah. - Nearly three years.

I think we're really ready for me and you to move out.

- Yeah I've been thinking about it as well,

I think we're ready.

- Do you think we're ready?

- [Arg] Yeah, definitely.

- 'Cause I really love you

and I think that I wanna start a future with you now.

Now we've got our first child, Mr. Darcy.

- [Arg] Yeah it'll be nice.

I'm looking.

I want the same things.

The thing is we cant take him with us.

- We can if we look for like, a little cottage or something.

- Can't, Lyd.

- Why do you wanna live in a flat?

- Two reasons.

No tenants or whatever's gonna let us take him with us.

They wont let him live in the flat

or where ever we wanna go.

And secondly your mum.

- [Lydia] We can't leave him.

- Your mum ain't gonna want him to go either.

She's too attached to him.

- We can't abandon our first born child.

[pig squeals and grunts]

- Well listen, never mind worrying about

where we're gonna move or take the pig with us,

we need to get out of here first don't we?

- Where are we actually?

- Have you not got a map?

- [Jessica] While we're all together I thought I'd tell you

that I was thinking about doing something.

- You're not? - What?

[Nanny Pat laughing]

- No, no, this is the issue, right?

I really like my boobs.

I like the way I am, it's great.

But when I wear a dress that's backless you have

to wear a bra with it.

I can't wear the dress.

I don't particularly want fake boobs

but every time I wear a dress that's backless

or whatever you need to wear a bra with it.

- You aint getting a boob job.

If you get a boob job I'll have the raving hump,

I'll have every geezer in Essex looking at ya.

Cor look at her boobs.

- No they won't.

It's for me.

Firstly you are not telling me what to do.

If I wanna do it I will.

- Being your brother in the area

and trying to put on a bit of a front I don't,

I think I have got a bit of a say

and I think you should be.

- You definitely don't have a say

in what I do with my body, Mark, no way.

- You should be able to ask me first

'cause I'm the one who's gotta front

up every to geezer saying.

- [Jessica] What am I doing right now?

I'm telling you now.

- You should ask her father before she asks you.

- Yeah, we'll get dad involved as well.

What do you reckon, nan, does she need it?

- No, she doesn't need 'em.

I think she's all right.

She's got a lovely pair.

[group laughing]

- Anyway, so you're not all up for fake boobs

but Lauren's just had a nose job?

- Has she? - Yeah, but,

Lauren's had like this bit cut away, anyway.

- Yeah what's going on with Lauren anyway?

- Nothing really, you know we still talk now and then.

Just how we always have been really.

- So in other words your seeing her?

- No.

- [Jessica] In other words, yeah.

- Yes, you are Mark.

- [Carol] You must like her to keep going back.

- Exactly, there must be something there.

- See I don't think your strong enough

where Lauren comes into it.

And I don't blame you.

I blame Lauren for being weak enough

to take you back so it makes you look the bad person.

- Let's not get into it too much, I'm not back with her now.

I'm not back with anyone.

I'm on my own so please no more talking about it.

[upbeat music]

- Honey, I've got a new client.

- Who is it?

- Her name's Chloe Sims.

- That does sound familiar. - I know who that is.

[upbeat music]

She's that play bunny.

- Is she?

[upbeat music]

- I swear she lived in Hugh Hefner's house.

- Shut up.

- [Sam] Yeah.

- [Amy] How brilliant.

[upbeat music]

- There's blonde hair, like, sort of a bit

like Marilyn Monroe, big, big boobs,

like really skinny.

And she's got like fake lips and stuff.

- Really?

I like finding out all of this information about girls.

- You can ask all about Hugh Hefner.

- Oh, do you think she slept with him?

[upbeat music]

Oh my god can you imagine.

[abrupt tapping]

- [Chloe] Hiya.

- [Amy] Hi hun, how are you?

- I'm Chloe. - Lovely seeing you.

- Nice to meet you.

Oh, lovely meeting you hun.

- [Chloe] Hiya.

- [Harry] Hiya.

- I'm Sam. - Hi Sam.

- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.

- Hi, I'm Harry. - That's Harry, my cousin.

- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.

- Ready for your spray tan babes?

- Yeah.

- Oh lovely, guys, is that all right?

- [Sam] We'll leave you to then, yeah.

- [Chloe] Nice to meet you.

- See ya.

- [Chloe] Ya, you too.

- See ya soon. - I'll see you later, yeah?

- Yeah, text me later.

I won't.

Honey, just take a seat

over there. - Okay.

- Perfect.

[pig squeaks]

- No, you're holding it the wrong way.

[pig grunts]

- I think it's that way.

- Hold the map.

- [Arg] Oh, you do it.

- James, you gotta hold it. - Can't be bothered,

you do it. - I can't hold it all.

How are we gonna find ourself out of here?

- Go that way, come on.

- [Lydia] No, James, we need to look where we're going.

- It's that way.

- 'Cause if we can't walk wherever

because Mr. Darcy's only got a specific licence.

[pig squeaks and grunts]

[upbeat music]

James!

[upbeat music]

- Morning.

- What you doing parking here?

- I don't know, I thought I'd be you for the day.

- You aint getting my space mate.

- You look smart.

- [Mick] Where am I gonna park?

- Well, we'll share it now.

- [Mick] I cant even get outta the door like that.

- We'll share it.

- What are you doing today?

- I don't know, I thought I'd go and catch you at work

and, dunno, do some.

- You ain't after something are you?

- I dunno, I wouldn't mind a bit of a pay rise.

- I look after you as it is, don't I?

- No, I know you do.

- Look at ya, all that kit.

- No, no, I know you treat me.

But I just want a bit more money.

I feel like I'm working but I got no cash.

- You need to work a bit harder, mate.

- [Kirk] Yeah, I'll work harder.

- I though you wanted me to get you a car

for your birthday? - Yeah, I do.

Oh, mate, I sound so spoiled.

- You are spoiled.

- [Kirk] I'm not.

- [Mick] You are.

We'll go and get you a car.

Come on in. - You can lead the way.

[upbeat music]

- [Mark] When you like.

- [Arg] What's going on mate?

- Where you been?

I've been waitin' here for 40 minutes.

- [Arg] Don't be like that.

Got lost in the forest

- Don't make excuses please.

- Stressful mornin' eh?

- Anyway, you gonna start getting fit or what?

I've got all these pool parties comin' up

in the summer, I'm gonna start arrangin',

Marbella and everything.

You gonna do anything about your body cos

at the moment you'll be jumping in the pool

and the water'll be jumping out.

The pool party'll be off by one o'clock.

- I wanna do it Mark but you know how much I love food,

it's just so hard ain't it.

And anyway they don't all go for the skinny type like you.

- I aint saying you gotta be skinny.

But I'm just saying you're getting to a stage now where.

- They want something to hold, to grab onto.

[men laughing]

- So tell me a bit about you.

- I've been travelling for like the past year

with Playboy France.

- Oh, brilliant.

- And yeah, Playboy Bunny, doing that.

- Love it.

- [Chloe] So I haven't really been in Essex recently.

- Ah, do you like Essex though?

- Yeah, I love Essex.

- The new LA I call it!

So Sam, she's my friend,

she's just opened a boutique in Brentwood.

- Oh really.

- So, yeah, it's like she's got all these beautiful clothes.

Her launch party's gonna be brilliant.

So what I was gonna ask is if you wanna come with me,

cos you're like new to it now you come back.

- Oh yeah, thanks, yeah. - Come along,

it'll be brilliant.

- Yeah, thank you, I will.

- So do you know anyone from Essex?

- Yeah I know loads of people in Essex.

- You know Mark?

- Yeah.

I don't know him too well

but I'd seen him out and thought he was hot

but I'd never like really spoke to him

and he just added me on Blackberry

and asked me to go out with him

and then he like sent me a naked photo.

Completely naked.

- Oh my God.

Was it small?

- [Chloe] No.

- No?

- No, I was impressed to be fair

but what put me off was his face

when he done the photo.

- [Amy] What was it like?

- Like really posing.

- That's terrible.

- Yeah, a bit like.

And I thought.

- [Amy] Oh no.

- I can't take you serious.

- That is embarassin'.

- And I haven't heard from him since them.

[women giggling]

- Well anyway I'm thinking of moving in with Lydia.

What do you reckon?

I wanna stay local but obviously.

- I've gotta great shout.

This could get me and you back seeing each other again

- What do you mean?

- The apartment below me is up for rent.

- Yes!

- My dad owns it, and he'll give you a good deal.

[Arg laughing]

- It would literally be

like Hugh Hefner's Playboy Mansion, wouldn't it?

- Why would it be like Hugh Hefner's Playboy Mansion?

- Lydia will hate it won't she?

- What do you mean Lydia'll hate it?

What's it gotta do with Lydia?

You're moving out.

You're paying for the flat.

She'll live where you tell her to.

- You and me living under the same roof

is probably her biggest nightmare ever.

- So let me get something straight here.

You've got back with her.

She's got you under the thumb anyway,

she's made you buy her a pig,

and now you're gonna let her decide where you live.

The flat that you're gonna be paying for.

You are so under the thumb its a joke you know that?

- Anyway what's going on with you at the moment?

- Nothing, I've been round me mums today

with Nanny Pat, Jess and me mum.

Jess annoyed me telling me

she might be getting her boobs done.

- What?

- [Mark] Yeah.

- She doesn't need her boobs done.

- Thats what I said but then they got

into talking about girls and all that putting a bit

of pressure on me.

Don't do this, do this.

- And what girl are you gonna choose?

What one are you gonna do it with?

- I don't know, I don't know yet.

I've not even thought about it.

- [Arg] Nah?

- Leavin' my options open.

One thing I wont do is ditch you for a girl

like you've done to me.

[men laughing]

[upbeat music]

So why have you never learnt to swim?

- Because for a simple reason in my days

we didn't do this sort of thing.

- We've gotta teach you how to swim, come on.

- Right, Mark, no Mark, please, Mark.

Come back, Mark.

[upbeat music]

- So I mean what do you reckon about the Lauren thing?

- Well I mean its up to you ain't it.

I mean you've just gotta follow your heart whatever you do.

I mean and you'll know I'll always be there

for you, don't you?

- Yeah.

- She might have a boyfriend.

You don't know do ya?

- Hopefully not.

- Yeah, but then if she hasn't

then you've just gotta make a go of it this time.

I mean, it's no good keep going here there

and everywhere is it?

- Yeah but I just don't wanna.

- All these different girls, I mean,

you've just gotta stick with one all the time.

- Yeah, I don't wanna make a mistake again

and have to hurt her.

I mean if I get back with her this time [sighs].

I suppose it's gotta be it or I just don't get back

with her at all.

- Well, that's it.

- I'll tell you what.

Borrow her your hat

and I wont want her at all, it's horrific.

- Listen here, you wish you'd had had my hat

instead of getting your bloody hair wet.

Don't be so saucy you git. [Mark laughing]

- I'm gonna start off with this one

because this is the Ooompa Loompa.

Please do not go Ooompa Loompa.

Girls do and it's just too much.

- No, I won't, okay.

- This one is the what's the point tan

cos I think what's the point in having a tan?

This one is the corned beef,

people have the corned beef right but they go all patchy.

I personally would go for this one

because its the Amy Child's one.

- Yeah, okay I will.

- It is dark but its a bit orange as well.

[upbeat music]

Neck up babes.

Cool.

Turn around.

Legs apart honey.

[upbeat music]

So honey, I love your boobs where did you get 'em done?

- Belgium.

- [Amy] Oh did you?

- I want 'em done again though.

I don't like 'em.

Where did you get yours done?

- I went to Buckhurst Hill

- I went there but they said they'd only give me a C.

- No.

- And I wanted 'em bigger

and then the doctor I went to

said you can have 'em as big as you want.

- I was an A.

Or a double A.

I was so tiny and I went to a D, perfect.

So you haven't got a boyfriend?

- No, I'm single.

- Why have you not got a boyfriend.

- 'Cause the love of my life left me.

- What, oh my god.

Was you distraught?

- And I haven't got over him.

He's from South London so he's got like,

like a cockney accent.

And he's just like.

- Where abouts is South London, is that like?

- It's like, it might not be South London.

Is Kent South London?

- God knows.

- I've found us a flat. - Yeah?

- I've got us a really good price.

Its a big two bedroom luxury apartment.

It's right next to Chigwell so it's very sort of like posh,

sort of nice in, a nice area.

It's got restaurants, loads of nice countryside places

where we can take Mr Darcy for walks.

- Oh, I'm so excited.

- You'll absolutely love it.

I promise you it's gonna be so good.

But there's just one little problem.

Well, not a problem at all actually.

It should be fine but Mark lives upstairs.

- No.

James, I don't think it's gonna work.

- What do you mean no Lydia.

I knew you was gonna say that.

What's wrong with it?

- There's so many other places we could live,

why would you wanna live under Mark.

I just think its gonna cause so many arguments.

- No it won't cause any arguments,

Mark's livin' upstairs.

- How do you wanna have a serious relationship

and then wanna have your best mate living above us?

- Loads of people do that.

- You'd be upstairs in your bachelor pad,

playing PlayStation, eating nachos and pizza

and I'd be downstairs doing the cleaning

and the washing, looking after Mr Darcy.

It's not got loads of restaurants near.

It's got like a couple

of restaurants near. - It's got loads

of restaurants.

- It's not near to my family, it's not near a train station.

- It's got a Chinese, a curry house

and it's got a pub restaurant as well.

- It's got no clothes shops near it.

- Let me take you to the flat

and have a look and then you make your mind.

- I know what the flat'll look like

cos it'll be exactly the same as Mark's.

- Stop putting a dampener

on everything I try and achieve and do.

[upbeat music]

- Hey. - Hi.

- Hello, how are you?

- Oh my god, your shop is stunning.

- Do you like it?

- Babe, I love it.

It's gorgeous. - Hey [smooches].

Are you all right hun?

- Yeah. - It is lovely,

you all right? - Yeah, good.

- Babes, it's absolutely amazing.

- It's lovely isn't it? - Do you like it?

- Love the clothes.

- [Harry] Stunning.

- So me.

Oh, congratulations. - Oh, thanks.

- Also I did Chloe's spray tan.

- Oh yeah how was it.

- Oh yeah it was all good.

Absolutely fun.

- Yeah, is she nice then, yeah?

- She's really nice.

I got on well with her

but she told me some right gossip.

- Did she?

- [Amy] I couldn't believe it right, total gossip.

- [Sam] What did she say?

- I said to her about Mark,

I said, "Oh do you know Mark?"

Like, anyway, she went, "Yeah, I know Mark.

"He sent me a picture of his bits."

- Oh my God.

Who hasn't he sent pictures to?

That is hilarious.

- So, honey, Minnie's.

Oh my God, love the name.

- Yeah, isn't it?

- The thing is though, when I was younger,

I did call it Minnie.

[women chattering] - We were satyng that,

yeah. - Well, that's what

we thought, we was like. - But I call it ninny though

so to me.

- Yeah, I call it.

Yeah, when I was a bit younger I did used to say,

oh, min min.

- Oh min min.

- Minnie. - You did yeah.

- And now I call it, nun, do you?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- I call it vagina.

- Hit you in the nun.

- He called it vagina.

- Vagina, nun, nunny, nunny, flange.

[all laughing]

- [Lydia] So James how are we actually gonna get there

to look at the flat then?

- Well.

- Keeping in mind that it's in the middle of nowhere?

- It's not in the middle of nowhere Lyd,

it's next to Chigwell, it's in Abridge.

Don't exaggerate, we'll get a cab.

- How are we gonna get back and forth there

like if we live there?

Gets cabs everyday?

If we lived closer to somewhere we could jump on tubes,

get public transport be close to our friends sometimes.

You got enough ham there James?

- [Arg] What, yeah.

- You don't drive.

I don't have a car at the moment,

you're not even doing your driving lessons.

- Talk about digging me out Lyd,

too much ham, I don't drive.

- I'm not digging you out, I'm just thinking about things.

I'm just thinking about things more intellectually.

I just think that we've got

to think about every aspect of living there.

- Well look don't say no for now.

- I'm not saying no, now.

Okay, I'm saying no now.

I'm sayin' that I'll go and look for it.

- Okay, I'll bet any money you'll fall in love

with it as soon as you start looking around.

[upbeat music]

- I cant believe were finally here, can you?

- I know, I cant believe

how quickly it's all come about as well.

- All the weeks of preparation we're doing,

we're finally here, our shop - Minnies.

So then, you looking forward to tonight?

- Who's coming?

- Arg is coming and Lydia.

- So, have you spoken to Mark and said oh are you coming?

- No.

- [Billie] So does he obviously knows about it doesn't he?

- He knows.

He must know but I haven't invited him.

- He's gonna turn up.

- Imagine if he turns up,

excuse me where's your invite?

I said to you the other day didn't I,

he's text me and whatever,

but I really like you and you're someone special to me

and things like that, but.

- I know, that's the thing though isn't it?

- It's weird, and then it's always just sort of left

but I wanna get to the bottom of it.

- Yeah I know.

- Oh I'm a bit nervous.

It's exciting though.

- [Billie] Yeah I know.

It will be really good.

[upbeat music]

- All right, Joe?

- Hello, you all right.

- All right, sorry I'm late. - That's all right.

How you been, been all right? - Yeah, just went

for a spray tan. - Yeah, whereabouts you go?

- To Amy's salon, she's done my tan really nice.

- Yeah, you look well brown.

- It's really nice.

One of her other friends there was Sam Faiers.

Do you know her? - Yeah, I know Sam.

The other day I was doing a night at a London club,

she come to the night

and Mark Wright text me the next morning saying like

"Oh did you rump her?"

- [laughs] Who says that?

- And I was like no, no, no nothing happened

like that Mark and he was like I'll have

to teach you for next time with a little wink.

- Well maybe he thinks you're like the baby version

of him in Essex cos you both do promoting don't ya?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, quite like the job over that.

I wanna be bigger and better than him.

Not like mugging him off but do you know what I mean?

- Yeah, of course you will.

While I was there, Amy invited me to a boutique opening.

She said a few people are going

like around Essex and Mark's gonna be there.

- I need to talk to Mark actually.

- So we'll go down there later to the opening.

- Yeah, definitely.

Am I invited though?

- Yeah, of course you are, come with me.

- Look at the retractor fan, you've got the hot water

and the cold water running perfectly fine,

perfectly smoothly.

- Don't like the water.

- You've got a brand new microwave, oven,

you've got the newest cupboards going

which actually looks like a cupboard

but in fact is a fridge with food in it.

You cant ask for that,

you cant buy that sort of stuff anymore!

You've gotta dining room table with dining room chairs,

you and me having a nice glass of wine.

Me cooking you dinner, gettin' a bit tipsy.

- Yeah but will that happen?

- Going to the en suite, master bedroom.

You and me, Arg loving.

Come on Lyds, you can walk round Mr. Darcy

for miles in Abridge Lydia, for miles on end.

- Where's he gonna sleep though?

- Alright Mr. Darcy wherever we go is not gonna be able

to live with us, no modern flat is gonna take a pig.

The rest of the tenants aren't gonna have it.

- I'm not abandoning my son.

- [Arg] What's the next point?

- That's what's most important.

- What's the next point?

So everything else apart from that is perfect.

- Two, we're under Mark Wright.

- You can't even touch Mark from here,

look you cant even touch the ceilings,

he's miles away.

He's no gonna worry about what we're getting up to,

he's busy with the bar.

He's got his own girlfriends to worry about

and whatever he gets up to and this is all ours.

- Also what are you gonna do about driving?

You don't drive James, how are you gonna get around?

- What's that got to do with anything?

- Because if we're in the middle of nowhere.

- I like people driving me 'round.

- Exactly, I think we should just shop around

before we buy first thing.

- If you find any other places with a retractable fan

like that then I'll be very much doubtful.

[chips crunching]

[upbeat music]

- [Gemma] Hi there, you alright?

- How you doing, you alright?

- I'm Gemma.

- [Kirk] Hi, how you doing, I'm Kirk.

- [Gemma] Pleased to meet you.

- Just havin' a little look about.

- Yeah?

- I've had a look at this.

This looks all right for the Beemers but.

- Looks all right, it looks amazing.

- It looks good.

- You've got the sparkling graphite paintwork

on the car, you've got the 19 inch alloy wheels,

you've got the red leather, you've got the Bluetooth,

you've got sat navigation.

Obviously I would like to take you for a test drive today,

not being too pushy.

I'm guaranteeing you the ultimate driving experience.

- Brilliant.

- Not only that, you've got the ultimate experience

with me today in the car with you all right?

- Oh, thank you.

She's makin' me blush, she's makin' me blush.

- But no, this is, I truly believe

this is the car for you.

It's totally the way forward Kirk.

- Oh thank you very much.

So can we go for a test drive.

- Let's do it, then, let's do it.

[upbeat music]

- Cheers. - Cheers.

- To Minnie's.

[upbeat music]

- [Amy] Oh, lovely seeing you.

- [Harry] All right babe?

- To the Minnie's openin'.

Here you go Harry.

- [Amy] To Minnie's. [people chattering]

[upbeat music] - Hi.

Oh thank you.

- Thanks so much for bringin' the food.

- [Billie] Thanks Pat.

- You look fabulous, look at that.

- Well done, congratulations.

- Thank you.

And thanks for the food.

[upbeat music]

- At Christmas you was 14 and a half?

- Probably, yeah.

- 111, 111.8 kilos.

So what's that in stones?

- I think that's about 20 stone.

- Well, it's not about 20 stone.

- I got A at maths, GCSE.

- Yeah, it's not about 20 stone.

It's about 17 stone.

- 17.6. [Mark gasps]

Naught five.

- [Mark] He's put on four stone.

- Take off.

- It is nearly 18 stone. - Four stone since Christmas.

- All the clothes that I'm wearing probably put on

a few pounds and stuff like that anyway.

- You can take one pound off for your trousers.

- Two pounds off for your trousers at least.

- [Lydia] One pound off for your shirt.

- [Arg] They're heavy, and the belt.

- Don't talk so stupid.

- And the dicky bow.

- Don't talk so silly. - And the shirt.

And the boxer shorts and the socks.

- Do you wanna lose weight

or are you happy the way you are?

- No, I wanna lose weight.

- If I say to ya I'm gonna train ya,

make you go on a diet, make you lose your weight,

will you listen to me?

- I'll listen to you, I'll do it.

- [Mark] Deal, lose weight.

- Yep. [pig grunting]

- Right, well, it's gettin' late now.

Supposed to go to Sam's shop so do you's want a lift or not

'cause if you do. - Can Mr. Darcy come?

- What?

- [Lydia] Mr. Darcy has to come with us.

He's got an invite as well. [pig grunts]

- You actually wanna bring the pig?

- I'm paintin' his hooves and everything.

He's gonna have little Christian Louboutins on.

- Lydia, you can't put.

- [Mark] You can't paint his toes.

- I want us to be matchin',

like mother like son.

My little baby boy.

[upbeat music]

- You know your boob job.

- Oh my God yeah?

- Well, I'm thinkin' about gettin' mine done

and I wanted your advice.

- Babes, you gotta do it.

- Do ya reckon?

- No, no, you haven't gotta do it

but I think it's the best thing I ever did.

- What do they feel like?

Can I feel 'em?

- Yeah, of course you can.

- They feel completely normal.

Completely natural, they don't feel fake at all.

- [Amy] Why don't you get a handful?

[women laughing]

- [Sam] Hello.

- How you doing girls, all right?

What's goin' on here?

- Oh, we're opening the shop.

We're called Minnie's, a women's boutique.

- Yeah, it looks nice, can we come in?

- Oh, I don't know. - What are your names?

- I'm Brad, this is Rog.

- Both of you give one good reason

why we should let you in, you can come in?

- I'll take my shirt off and I will stand in the window

and we'll see how many customers you get.

- Oh, a mannequin, sold, sold.

- You just need to leave it to me Rog.

- So how does it feel for you at the moment?

- Feels good, yeah.

- [Gemma] Feels good?

- It feels good, it's a nice car.

You can tell there's a lotta power.

I can feel like it wants to give a little bit more.

- It really wants to let loose a bit like you

after a few vodkas on a Friday night in the Sugar Hut.

- Have you been talking to someone about me?

- I've got you sussed out straight away.

You want the wow factor.

You want people going look at Kirk,

driving down the High Street in Brentwood,

roof down, girls want me.

Dad now wants to borrow my car

'cause he loves it so much.

Yeah baby, are you feelin' it?

- I am feelin' it now.

That that's.

- It just totally makes sense doesn't it?

- Won me over a little bit.

Yeah, it had to be honest.

It is a comfy car.

It's what I'm lookin' for.

- I'm not makin' you nervous am I?

- A little bit, a little bit.

- Don't be so silly.

[upbeat music]

- Hi!

- [Sam] Oh my god look at the pig!

- [Lydia] How are you?

Congratulations girls.

- Oh, look you got matchin' shoes.

- [Lydia] Yeah I know.

- [Sam] Aw, they look lovely.

- I've painted little mini Louboutins on him.

Well, I've painted them on.

- [Sam] Oh they're so nice.

- It's ridiculous, isn't it?

Paintin' a pig's nails.

- [Sam] No, I think it's brilliant.

Just keep paintin' him.

[upbeat music]

- You all right?

You all right? - How are you?

- [Joey] Yeah, nice to see you, you well?

- How are you, yeah, yeah. - I'm Chloe.

- You all right, Billie, you all right?

- You all right? - Nice to meet ya.

- So, how ya leavin' your deposit then?

- I'm gonna have to, I do like this car

but I'm gonna have a look around

but how'd you get into the old sellin' the cars?

It's not really girly is it?

- Well, I do love it.

I'm very passionate about my job

as you can see because of my career,

like, my life is my job. - Yeah.

- You know, the thing is with me Kirk,

I'm lookin' for my Mr. Right.

I can't find him anywhere.

- Who is your Mr. Right?

Describe him, is he power?

- I want someone powerful.

Like Tony Sopranos attitude. - Right.

- But like Mr. Big from Sex & The City,

the whole Carrie and Big love affair.

I just want it.

- Sounds like my dad.

- Really? - Yeah, yeah.

- Oh my god.

- He's a bit, you do, do you do older men?

Bloody hell.

Do you date older men?

- I suppose 50's about my maximum.

- Oh, me dad's not there.

- Really?

- I will introduce to me dad.

He's a right gentleman he is.

- And he knows how to order the wines

and all of that?

- Oh yes definitely like that.

- [Gemma] He knows all of that.

- I wanna be my dad when I'm older.

He's everything.

- [Gemma] He's the geezer.

- He's a gentleman, he's a geezer.

He's everything.

- I love the geezers.

It's all about being a geezer.

- Who's here?

Is Lauren here? - No.

- Do you know if she's comin'?

- No, I don't think so.

- Clearly not, she weren't invited.

- Did you two not invited her?

- No, why would we invite her?

Not being horrible

but if she had a shop opening,

I wouldn't go to it, would I?

And if she come in here,

I wouldn't be rude and say get out.

I wouldn't be rude

but I would go to, yeah, do you know what I mean?

But she should have an invite.

Not being horrible.

[upbeat music]

- [Joey] Mark.

- How you doing Joey, you all right mate?

- What's going on? - Nice to see you mate.

- I was gonna say to ya,

you know that Lucy bird you used to see?

- Yeah, yeah.

- [Joey] You still seein' her or no?

- No, no, it was over ages ago.

- 'Cause I was gonna say like I might try

and put it on her, if you mind like.

- Yeah, no definitely.

I'll put in a good word for you if you want.

- All right, sweet.

'Cause I don't wanna ruin our chances between

like me and you lot obviously workin' together

and all that 'cause obviously I work for ya

and like obviously I'm doing really well with ya, aren't I?

- Yeah, you're doing very well.

Keep goin', you know, doin' well,

then one day might be able to, you know,

be at the level that I'm at.

- Yeah, 'cause I wanna be at your level.

Do you know what I mean?

You've done really well.

- Well you've definitely got the potential.

I mean you're a good looking boy,

you know, you talk as if you know everyone

and you've been doing really well for me

so it kinda reminds me of me when I was your age.

- Yeah, 'cause I'm 20, you're 24,

when I'm 24 I wanna be exactly where you are,

maybe even higher.

- Oh wow, appreciate that.

And I hope you get it.

- [Women] Oh no!

- [Arg] Mr. Darcy!

- [Woman] He's weeing.

- No, it's fine I'll do it.

It's my pig.

I'm so sorry everyone.

[upbeat music]

- Looking smart tonight mate, you happy?

Everything all ready? - Oh, thank you,

yeah, no, ready guest list is lookin' full.

Cheers, anyway. - Good, cheers.

Have a good night, yeah.

- Yeah.

Gemma, hello.

- [Gemma] Kirk, you all right?

- How you doin' you all right?

- [Gemma] Nice to see you babes.

- Didn't think you would come. - You invited me,

I had to come down.

- [Kirk] This is my dad, Mick.

- Hi, Gemma.

- [Gemma] Mick, pleased to meet you.

- Pleased to meet you darling, you all right?

[smooching]

- You all right?

- [Mick] You look lovely.

- Thank you Mick.

- This is the woman that's sellin'.

- Or lady.

- [Kirk] Sellin' me the car.

- Lovely meetin' ya.

- And you.

- [Mick] Cheers.

[upbeat music]

- [Jessica] All right love?

- How you doing?

- Thought I'd come over and see ya.

What's been up with you?

I can see you searchin' this club.

- Just havin' a little look 'round.

A little nose.

- I know what you're looking for.

- What?

- You think I don't know.

I know you so well.

Are you looking for Lauren?

- Yeah, for some reason I thought she was coming.

- I can't make you out.

- There's just something there and it ain't up here,

it's in there.

'Cause up there I know maybe we don't work.

But in there it gives me like this bellyache feeling.

It's just.

Well, I know it's, I love her.

And I've gotta sort something out.

[upbeat music]

- Seen any hot birds?

- No way, look behind you though now.

That girl in the white dress.

- Oh yeah, Lucy, I've met her,

she's absolutely stunning.

- Lucy, she used to go out with Mark.

- [Chloe] Go for it.

- I dunno what to do, I dunno whether to go

and get her number or whatever but like.

- Give her a little wink.

- I don't even know her.

I've already given her one.

That's the sort of girl I go after do you know what I mean.

Shes looking at me now look.

[owl hoots]

- Right, Lyd, I mean, I've given you a bit of time

to think about it now

but the flat below Mark, what do you reckon?

- It just always seems that when Mark's around,

we seem to argue more

and I just think if we live underneath him

then we'll just be arguing the whole time.

- Lyd, I don't agree.

I mean, Mark's not living with us,

yeah he's above us but it's not a big deal.

I just think the location and for the price of it,

I just don't think were gonna find anything better.

- Fine.

- Look at tonight, I was supposed

to being to Sugar Hut with Mark and Joey and the boys

but I didn't.

I come back here with you to put Mr. Darcy to bed to show.

- I know but you made a big song and dance of it.

- No, it's to show that I have got responsibilities

and that I'm gonna do it.

Otherwise I should be in Sugar right now doin' the worm

and body poppin' and everything like that but I'm not.

Promise you I think it'll work.

I think you'll love it.

I think we'll have great memories in there.

I think you'll grow to love it.

- Okay, well, I'm willin' to make this,

such a huge sacrifice, James.

This is a huge thing for me

to give in to this.

So if you really think that it'll all be good

for our relationship, I'm willin' to do it

but on one condition James.

- What?

- That you need to learn how to drive

because of after 110 lessons

and 10 theory tests, James,

you should be near enough to drive.

- Well, listen, if it means a chance of us movin'

into this flat then.

- Okay?

- [Arg] All right, gimme a kiss.

- I'm willin' to give it a go.

- I love you. - I love ya.

[upbeat music]

Mr. Darcy, bed time! - Bed time.

- [Lydia] Good boy.

- Night Mr. Darcy. - Night Mr. Darcy.

[upbeat music] [people chattering]

- What are you doin' here sittin' here by yourself?

What are you doin' sittin' by yourself?

You okay? - Just havin' a think.

- What about?

- [Mark] Nothin', what's been happening?

- Nothing, nothing in the other girls.

- Just wanted to say thanks for invitin' me.

- Oh you're welcome, it's fine.

- Really proud of what you've done with it.

It was lovely, the shop.

- I know, it's lovely isn't it?

Been working so hard

and I'm so glad that it's all up and running now,

I'm really proud.

- I just wanted to talk to you about a few things.

- We're not talking shop tonight.

I just wanna have a good night, let my hair down,

have a little skirt around a club.

- Have you met the man of your dreams yet?

- Not yet, mate, maybe he's standing in front of me.

- Oh really?

- I'm only joking but, though, you know what it's like

when you just wanna come out and have a good tome tonight.

- [Kirk] Hello, how you doing, you all right?

- Hello, all right?

How are you doing?

- [Kirk] Look very nice, don't you?

- [Mick] What's your name.

- Chloe. - Hi Chloe, I'm Michael, Mick.

- [Chloe] Nice to meet you Mick.

- You all right?

- So are you's all out together?

- Yeah, we're all out together.

Gemma's tryin' to sell my son a car

and Gemma's lookin' for the man of her dreams

and that's why she's here today.

- [Chloe] Oh really, me too.

- Oh really?

I think Kirk's been tryin' to set me up

to be honest with ya.

Whoever's tryin' to get

a better deal outta the car. - Oh my god,

this is like so embarrassing.

- So you're not married. - No, I'm single.

- Oh.

[upbeat music]

- And it makes me nervous to even say it

but I know that I've seen other girls

over the last, like, since I first met Lauren,

I don't know, nine or 10 years.

I've took other girls on dates after Christmas,

that me and you got close

and you know I've always had a thing with you.

I like your family, I love your sister.

You've had your boyfriends,

I've had my girlfriends

but I just, I don't know,

I just wanna get this opportunity to say it to ya

because you know I feel that no girl deserves

me to explain myself to them

like I need to to you

because you're more special than that.

I'm 24 now and I've been doin' what I've been doin'

and bein' a bit of a playboy

and whatever else and I just,

I don't know, I just wanted this opportunity

to say it to ya because, you know,

I feel that.

- Spit it out.

- I need to.

And I've started talkin' to Lauren again

as I think you may know.

The point I'm makin' is I think I wanna take it

to the next step in the way of just, you know,

just make a go of it

'cause it's just pointless just doin' what I'm doin'

and I just, I think I've just got to this age

where I just think.

I think I'm just gonna give it a real go.

- So basically you're gettin' older now

so you wanna settle down,

so for you with Lauren.

- It's not I'm gettin' older,

it's not I'm gettin' older.

It's just that I've been messin' about for too long.

- You've just beat 'round the bush

so we don't anymore no after this?

Yep. [smooches]

It's fine. - Stay that way, yeah?

[melancholy music]

- [Sam] What the fuck?

[melancholy music]

- [Narrator] Next time on The Only Way Is Essex,

will Mick prove to be Gemma's Tony Soprano?

Will mini-Mark Joey be Lucy's new Mr. Right?

Will Arg learn to pull his weight?

Will Chloe's assets continue to cause a stir?

And how will Mark's ladies take the news

about him and Lauren.

- You enjoy fuckin' with girls' heads,

that's what's sick about you.

- [Narrator] Who knows?

These people are real and anything can happen

on The Only Way Is Essex.

- [Amy] Cheers.

[upbeat music]