Original subtitles

We're not lost. The town is.

Here, let's see that.

Oh, look, there's a signpost.

Splendid.

Let's see.

Devil's domain.

Undependable pool, alkali, creek, rattlesnake, gulch.

Buzzard's fluff.

Burnish flats?

Oh, our map says

that it's due east.

Five into the sun.

What do you say, you and me, you go outside and get some of them fellas,

Must lead somewhere.

Must be better than nowhere.

Hurry up. I can't hold this all day.

Mark.

Oh.

Suppose Thrush has gotten it before we have.

And they won't have if they run over the same cactus bush.

Yeah.

And that's Valley's exclusive one. And I'm living only to... We'll go into that

some other time. He's waiting out the back.

Run! Come on!

Come in around!

Come in around!

Go!

Henry!

You missed!

I shouldn't have done that.

I promised myself I wouldn't do things like that anymore.

Of course I can hear you. There's nothing wrong with my ears.

I got ears like a fox. Always had.

You said, can you hear me?

Right. Do you know why those men were chasing you?

Sure. They're trying to force me into selling them my holdings. Holdings?

The whole town of Furnace Flats and 1 ,600 adjoining acres

of wasteland.

Would make the best outdoor movie location beside Purgatory.

Hang on, Pop.

There's a helicopter coming. We'll have that bullet out of you in no time at

all. Bullet?

What bullet?

What you shot.

No, no.

Heart attack.

My doc said the next one I had would be my last.

Here comes the chopper now.

This. This is the reason why Thrush is so anxious to acquire the late Miss

Geek's property in Death Valley.

Might make a lovely paperweight. What is it?

It's called Tritritanium D, one of nature's rarest oddities.

A relatively new discovery.

Looks harmless enough.

What does Slush think they're going to do with it? A six -inch crystal rod of

tritidinium -D, when placed in an ordinary 200 -watt laser, could

laser into an unstoppable death ray.

What do you mean, unstoppable?

Well, it could, in fact, kill a man seated at his desk in an atomic bomb

shelter, buried deep in a mountain.

Where can you find it?

As far as we know, there's only one place on Earth where it can be found,

Slush wanted this for Slush's purposes.

The abandoned mine where that sample was taken from.

Which is?

The utter anguished gold mine. It furnished flats.

Thrush must not be allowed to acquire that property.

One question, sir.

Now the Mesquite is dead, who will inherit his properties?

Well, that you'll have to find out.

The executor of the late Mesquite's estate is another Death Valley character

goes by the name of Packer Joe.

Joe.

J -O.

No.

Would you please come in?

Hacker Joe.

Death Valley's only resident.

Multi -millionaire.

Slap in the middle of Death Valley.

What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?

I, uh...

Came here to get away from tall, handsome men.

Uh... Uh, Packer Joe.

Somehow you don't strike me as the sort who'd be packing in supplies to Death

Valley. Oh, you mean my nickname?

Well, I got that from the way I used to, uh... Pack them in at the Tivoli.

The Tivoli?

Before I married Poopsie.

Poopsie?

He, uh, died shortly after we married.

Oh.

Heat prostration.

I thought

you said you moved here to get away from tall, handsome men.

I'm tapering off.

Now, why don't you come in and meet the others?

Others?

Others.

Astrid!

You've activated the watch. It's a bomb.

I assume you three have met? In a manner of speaking, yes.

Mr. Astorik gave us some unintentional assistance last year in Peshawar. On a

job we were doing. We incapacitated three of our opposition.

And he incapacitated four more.

In a fit of blind and controllable rage. How ever did you explain that to Thrush

Central?

My psychiatrist and I both agree that I do not have an uncontrollable temper.

And if you say that again, I'll blow all of us up!

You were saying it will be this Thursday before we learn who falls heir to Mr.

Mesquite Sweet's real estate holdings. April?

Who's that?

Our slinky friend just introduced us if you've been paying attention.

Her name is Mrs. Ladybug Bird.

Mark, before you came I was explaining that Mesquite's mother was the legendary

Death Valley Flossie.

And this coming Thursday marks the 100th anniversary of her famous ride

from Alkali Creek across the Devil's Domain to Furnace

Flats. Devil's Domain?

Mile after mile of desert quicksands.

What did she want to go do that for? Some people have speculated that she may

have been intoxicated.

Sounds plausible.

Mesquite was very proud of his mother.

His will stipulates that his entire estate will go to any young lady with

sufficient courage and stamina to duplicate her famous ride.

What if more than one young lady should... The issue will be decided by

a contest, a race, this coming Thursday.

If I understand correctly, winner take all.

Winner take all.

Well, Miss Dancer?

I'll be there.

Good. So will Thrush.

Now, what will you do if she has a knife?

Can't tell you how much better I feel about this race already.

Will the contestants please report to the judges' stand?

There's only one thing I don't like.

What's that?

The whole set -up.

I wouldn't worry about her.

Part of the equipment you draw is a six -gun.

Besides, I got permission to sneak one of these into a saddlebag.

Oh, a flare gun. Just what I need.

No, it's not a flare gun.

That is new, isn't it?

I can't believe I have a Fisher in Ordnance Department.

It's a miniature ground -to -air missile.

It automatically homes in on the engine of any helicopter or light plane. So if

Thrush decides to move in, the reinforcements are going to... Pow!

That makes me feel a little better.

Furthermore, I bugged her mule.

Her what?

Her mule. She rides a mule.

That suits her, doesn't it?

I put the bug behind the mules left here, so if anything happens to you out

the desert, I'll be listening.

When you get to the judges' stand, make certain you pick the equipment on the

left.

Why? I painted the inside of the other two canteens with blissful myosin.

Oh, what's that?

It's a colorless, odorless, water -soluble poison.

It causes death within seconds. Symptoms identical to heat exhaustion.

Remember,

the equipment on the left.

Yeah.

I still don't understand why you're involved in this.

Oh, personal reason.

Well, everyone is ready.

Well, as you all know, Mesquite's will stipulates that each contestant carry

same equipment that Death Valley Flossie carried on her famous ride.

A six -gun, a canteen of water, and a... A whiskey?

Snakebite kit, darling.

Now, as I was saying...

Ladies,

ladies, ladies, I mean, ladies!

Good heavens, it doesn't really matter which pieces of equipment you get.

Now, now there, and there, and that's for you, and that,

and that should do it. Did you by any chance misplace something, Miss X?

Now, if you're all ready, you may line up the starting line.

Was that the starting gun?

Yes. Well, in that case, what are we waiting for?

Miss Keat had some of those cartridges lying around for 30 years.

Obviously, they lost some of their chick.

Obviously.

The contestants' guns, were they loaded with these?

Not altogether.

I had to buy a few new cartridges.

I mixed them in with the others.

You see?

Here's champagne to our real friends and real pain to our sham friends.

And here's to our husbands and sweethearts.

May they never meet.

To the love that lies in a woman's eyes and lies and lies and lies and lies.

That's a very good idea.

And here's mud in your eye.

Very good.

Why don't you go ahead and drink?

Are you kidding?

I saw you put your fingers over that.

Well, you're thirsty. Go ahead and drink.

No, thank you. See, what's wrong with you anyway?

Well, it was only a suspicion before.

But now I feel absolutely convinced that Thrush must have tampered with two of

the canteens.

Some people wouldn't trust their own mothers.

Ladybug, don't!

Goodness,

I had no idea it was so grimy out here.

certainly have to admire you, too.

You haven't even touched your water.

Oh, Will.

Where's Dolly X?

Wasn't she riding in front of you?

As soon as we entered this ravine, she pushed on ahead just as fast as she

could. Undependable pool if she gets there before we do.

Well? What does it say?

Go to jail.

Go directly to jail. Do not pass go.

Do not collect $200.

If it's poison, this should change from green to yellow.

You see it?

Still green.

I wouldn't drink that if I were you.

I feel fine.

It must be some sort of delayed action poison.

Luckily, I have several kinds of antidotes here.

We'll just stick around and see what your symptoms are.

You want my symptoms?

You're going to have to follow me.

That Dolly X woman is ahead of us now.

And I intend to win this race.

Well, now, wait a minute.

Now, listen, if you should start feeling strange, head back this way fast.

Open field, Channel S.

Yeah. This is Florence of Arabia at the poison pool.

Where are you stationed now?

I came down to the funnest flats to keep an eye on Asterix until the race is

over.

It's dead boring here.

I bet it's a lot more interesting where you are.

Did you say poison?

Yes, Dolly X got to Undependable Pool before I did.

I think she poisoned it.

What do I do now?

Well, the first thing is, don't panic.

I can't remember what comes next.

Oh, great.

Listen, isn't there some sort of desert stone or something that you can squeeze

and water comes out of it?

No, it's a species of cactus. Besides, I think it only grows in tropical

rainforests or something like that.

I believe my horse has just been sedated.

You know, I thought you said your horse had been sedated.

I did.

Well, that doesn't sound quite violent enough for thrush.

Listen, are you sure you know where Dolly X is?

Her tracks were leading off into the desert.

Huh.

That's funny.

What's funny?

Well, I can see Ladybug clearly enough, but I can't find a trace of Dolly X

or her tracks.

Well, that is strange.

There must be some explanation.

Oh, there is.

But definitely.

Love, you don't know the meaning of the word.

Don't I, Miss... Can I call you backer?

Please do.

It means you haven't scored any points at all.

My serve.

What's the matter? You should be smiling, happy.

A day like this, I just don't feel like torturing anyone.

One can't have everything, can one?

Yeah. Lucky for you.

Now, let's see what you Uncle Dames carry in your saddlebag.

Oh, I'd hate to have been in kindergarten with you.

Yeah, that's what they all used to say.

Now... Now what's this?

Now you've done it.

That's the last of our water.

Well, it doesn't make any difference.

Well, now.

A flare gun.

Were you worried by any chance thinking of signaling in a helicopter after it

got dark?

Goodness gracious, no.

That would be cheating.

Well,

it wouldn't do you any good anyway.

We've got a helicopter coming in at dusk.

A good hot meal and plenty of fresh water, grain for my mule. Why, I'll be

across that desert by morning, fresh as the days.

And me?

Well, we can't leave any bodies lying around out here. It might nullify the

results of the race.

Therefore?

Therefore, you'll be flown out by helicopter and cremated.

You just can't beat those thrush pilots for pinpoint accuracy and timing.

I don't think he sees us.

It is getting dark awfully fast.

Oh, you're nuts.

He's heading right for us.

You're right. You're absolutely right. He is heading right for us. Couldn't

us in a hundred years.

Well, maybe not exactly straight for us.

Oh, yes, straight. Straight as a die.

Pinpoint accuracy.

Well, I'm going to make doubly sure he doesn't miss.

Isn't it just like you thrush people?

Using our own weapons against us.

Brains.

You can't just pick up one.

Why not?

It isn't fair.

All right, then, two.

It's inhuman to leave one all alone out there.

All right, then.

I'll pick up all three.

Better.

Now, now, Dolly, I know exactly what you're thinking, and I...

I thought you didn't want any bodies lying around.

Well, we're just going to have to take our chances. Now, we don't have to go

rushing into this, do we?

You ain't nervous, are you? Oh, no, no. I just thought maybe I could have time

for a cigarette. Huh?

Just one cigarette?

Okay.

I'm not inhuman yet.

I'm going to enjoy watching you squirm.

You didn't expect to catch me on that, did you?

On second thought, I think I'll light it for you myself.

And point it right... Into your face.

Won't you come into my parlor?

Said the fly to the spider.

Beautiful morning.

I managed to nearly fill two bottles with the mud, you might call it.

Sleeping beauty's still out cold.

I'll be off as soon as I can locate her mule.

Cigarette? No.

Don't I get a last request?

Shoot.

Do you have to phrase it like that?

I beg your pardon.

What is your last request?

Point me in the right direction.

You'd have spent a little more time looking around.

In that case, hold on.

I still have one bullet left.

And I shot the sixth gun right down your throat.

Yes, it's one of the new models, both transmitter and receiver, and I've got

master control right here.

And it's... Still behind the mule's left ear.

Good. Now turn that bug on to receive full volume.

Yes, madam.

development. About an hour ago, we received a call from one of our paid

informants, a minor thrush on the ring.

He claimed that he had proof that Mesquite was once married and has a

Illegal out of his estate?

So our informant claimed.

He said that for $5 ,000, he'd give us her name and her present whereabouts.

And you accepted?

Yes. But when we went to complete the transaction, we found our informant

in a walk -in deep freeze, dying from heat frustration.

Before he died, he whispered four words.

She's in the race.

Lady Bud Bird.

It looks like a small ground -to -ground missile.

That seems unlikely, doesn't it?

With thrush, anything is possible.

I expect you to predict, Mr. Dancer, in every way possible.

Yes, sir.

Can't hit April with that thing.

How could they possibly pinpoint her in the middle of the desert?

What do you mean, where am I, what am I doing?

I am just sitting here, resting.

Where's Dolly X?

She's sitting out there in the hot sun, resting.

What do you mean, sitting out there in the hot sun? Aren't you sitting out

in the hot sun, too?

Well, as a matter of fact, there is only one lousy tree in this entire lousy

desert, and I happen to be sitting under it, resting.

Nine, eight, seven.

April, doesn't it strike you as rather suspicious that she's letting you sit

under the only fixed landmark in the whole desert while she sits out in the

Huh?

Two, one, zero.

April, are you all right?

Can you hear me, April?

Are you all right?

Of course I'm all right.

I'm hot.

I'm tired.

Dying of thirst.

I've lost my horse.

And someone has just fired a ground -to -ground mislead me.

But otherwise...

Jobs just have to be finished by hand, don't they? Now, remember, Dolly, it

isn't whether you win or lose, but how you play the game.

Oh, dear me.

April, are you all right?

It's not how you play the game that counts, but whether you win or lose.

If one of the other entries show up first, we'll greet her with a blast of

blissful myosin pellets.

How's that for irony?

Falling dead of heat exhaustion or a few short steps in front of the finish

line. So.

I've always loved cameras.

When I first started, I wanted to be an actress.

Look, we're setting off to shoot the end of the race. We can't be bothered with

this chit -chat.

Until I give the signal.

Maybe she twisted her ankle or something.

Looks as though I win, doesn't it? Not fun.

Can't you open this way? No.

No mind ventilation shaft.

It would appear I have crossed the finish line, whereas you have not.

I believe I am the winner.

The winner, which she would have been anyway, win or lose.

What's that?

It's a personal letter from Mesquite Swede to the winner of the race.

What does it say?

Dear daughter, I knew if you had one half, your grandma's spunk and grit,

show up and win this race.

Good for you.

Your loving pa, Mesquite Swede.

What a wonderful, sentimental old man.

I only wish I'd known him when he was alive.

Then you are his long -lost daughter.

What?

Of course not. Don't be silly.

My father was the original chairman of the board for Dynamic Motors

Then why was it so important for you to win this race?

I'm chairman of the preservation committee, Wilderness and Wildlife Club

California.

I think this would make a lovely wildlife sanctuary for vanishing desert

species, scorpions, tarantulas.

Cacti. Cacti.

Then Mesquite's real daughter wasn't in the race at all. Oh, yes, she was.

You. Me.

You think, ain't it, sweet?

Now, once more, I'm going to contest that will in court. I don't think our

lawyer will have too much trouble proving that Mesquite Swede was mentally

incompetent when he drew up that will.

This race itself should be proof of that.

I told you to stay away from that. I always did want to shoot someone on

Blissful Morrison?

I'm afraid so.

I'd recognize those symptoms anywhere.

Some joke.

You wouldn't by any chance have a shovel?

Sorry, love. Best I could find. What?