Original subtitles

um

Yeah,

this is great here.

This soup is good.

Thank you so much.

This is very good.

If there's one thing I know, it's good soup, and this is great.

If my ex -wife cooked like Mother Magda, I'd still be married. Her soup tastes

like... There

must be an epidemic of

acute heartburn going around.

Those were five perfectly good agents and they were not ready for liquidation.

Yet.

Magda, what kind of a prank is this? What are you up to?

Oh, darling.

Sometimes new ideas need a little window dressing.

They're actors.

Everyone an expert in makeup and impersonation.

They can look and sound like anyone.

Oh, this is wonderful.

If there's one thing I know, it's good soup. And this is great.

If my ex -wife cooked like Mother Magda, I'd still be married.

Her soup tasted just wonderful. I think this is the greatest soup I've ever

tasted. Here, do you want some crackers?

Yes, please. Thank you very much. That's incredible.

But what's the point?

As head of the new projects committee, your approval is all that's needed to

put Sposh in the driver's seat.

We remove the originals.

Our doubles take their place.

No one is the visor.

Come and see here.

Miklos.

The screen.

Here are some of my doubles in action.

It is impossible to tell them from the original.

Yes, honey.

It's our share. Good night.

Yeah, we can take over governments, industries, unions.

Simple, no?

Simple, yes.

I must say, Magda, until now I thought of you as a rather limited opportunist.

But this, this is brilliant.

Has such scope, unbelievable potential.

How long do you think it would take a global plan to be put into operation?

Immediately.

I have 25 top agents standing by for my coded signal.

Miklos, speak, nephew.

Bring down the tape cartridge.

In the tape in my library.

Right away, auntie.

Electronic music?

Well, it might just as well be.

All I can make out of this blasted scrap of tape Mr. Slate brought back.

I'm sorry I goofed the assignment, sir. I was lucky to bring myself back.

It's obviously some sort of code.

Well, if it's so obvious, why hasn't our intelligence section broken it yet?

They've re -recorded the thing at every possible speed.

All they get back is the same gibberish.

Well, whatever's on that tape must be important, sir.

We had a report of Rock Munis and his new projects committee at the hotel.

What we don't know is what Mother Magda is up to.

As the cartridge was in her safe, we can be pretty sure that whatever devilry

Thrush is planning is of her making.

That bit of tape doesn't seem to give us the answer.

I assume you want me to go to the hotel and pick up the cartridge.

As soon as possible, yes.

And take Miss Dancer with you. We can't afford any more delays.

A waiter. Do you have the time?

With the compliments of

Mother Magda.

Oh, wow.

That's very nice.

Thank you. Thank you.

Cheers. Well, let's all drink a toast to Shirley and Herbie. May all their

troubles be little away.

Well, to the health of the entire staff, the waiters, bellboys, the golf

pro, to everyone who has made this such a memorable honeymoon.

We just got here, Herbie.

As we say in the garment industry, may the suits of your children be well cut.

And we're like iron.

Enough of the toast, Herbie. Let's go upstairs.

Really, we can't just rush off.

It doesn't look nice. Besides, he couldn't possibly know where we are.

Listen, once your father finds out that we've eloped, he'll turn into a maniac,

and anything's possible with a maniac.

Shirley, honey, don't make a scene, please. My father's in Paris with a

show. Even with his experience, it still takes two days to copy the Dior line,

all right? Herbie.

Shirley, you're making a big thing over nothing. Nothing?

Since when is my very first honeymoon nothing?

Shirley, you're my wife.

You've got quite a memory.

Listen, Herbie, I don't feel the way a bride is supposed to feel on her

honeymoon. I mean, well, Mama told me that I'm supposed to be nervous about

not about your father.

You're embarrassing me, Shirley.

Embarrassing me.

Napkin, please.

Oh, yeah.

Seems only yesterday my late Maxie and I were on our honeymoon.

Will you forget honeymoons?

You still haven't found that cartridge. That means that Uncle still has it. Oh,

Rock, don't be a cloud.

Losing the cartridge was unfortunate, but hardly fatal.

Five minutes after Uncle decoded that tape, there go 25 of our best agents.

Add the five in that you used for demonstrational purposes, and that

to a grand total of 30.

You're right. It's not fatal.

It's disastrous.

They will not break the code, I guarantee it.

I haven't sent my nephew to Heidelberg for nothing.

Tomorrow, he will have a duplicate tape made.

Can I rely on that?

I opened another branch in Lausanne.

Naturally, it was a great success.

So I said to myself, I said, Manny, Manny, that's my name, see?

I'm not.

Yeah. I said, if you want to make money, you get into the high -fly department

business because there's lots of money in it. And today... Mark?

We're in luck. The cartridge fell down to the heating duct on the floor below.

It's a tricky spot, though.

And I plunged into bathroom fiction.

Can I help you?

Well, there's one thing I could use. A marble bathtub.

Oh, come on, love. No, it's a... Everybody should have a good hot bubble

I don't seem to be getting through to you. I'll call you back later.

Does nobody like Americans know how to make bathtubs? I'm telling you that.

Huh? You bet your sweet life.

And, you know, this year, this year I predict a fourth quarter interest, a

fourth quarter interest in electrical, knives, and cows.

Can I get your T -shirt, please?

Hello.

I like that one better myself.

Who are you and what do you want?

Well, I must have stepped into the wrong closet by mistake. You know, we all

look alike these days.

Don't give me that wrong closet routine, you fiend.

Oh, you're not fooling me. I can see that tape. I warned Herbie his father

going to have us followed, but hiring a private detective to bug our room. Oh,

that's a new low even for a snake like him.

Hey.

Hey, that's mine.

Hey, now, look.

What did you do with it? Whatever, you can't get it.

Now, look here, Miss... Mrs.

Fummer. I'm in married ladies, if you didn't know. Mrs.

Fummer. Look, I represent an organization called UNCLE, which stands

Network of... I don't care if it stands for motherhood, the flag, or John

Lennon's haircut.

Nothing, just a little lover's spat.

That's progress for you. Now the honeymoon's over before it starts.

I want to wish you both a great deal of luck.

Thanks very much. I'm a lucky guy to get a girl like Shirley.

A guy doesn't run into a girl like Shirley every day in the... Well, might

well get a little shut -eye.

It's going to be about that time.

So, uh, good night.

Oh, uh, Shirley?

Shirley doesn't seem to be in the room there. Where could she have gone?

Shirley?

Shirley?

What's this place you're coming to?

It's quieter in the shooting gallery. I'm looking for my wife. She isn't in

room. If that was your wife, then who was that other man chasing her?

Man? What man?

He's blind.

Talks like Rex, whatchamacallit.

He's not. Her husband?

They ran down the hallway here like this was a playground. Down the hall, huh?

Yeah, right. Kirby, I want to discuss something with you. Just with you.

Where are we going in there? Curly is in the room.

I know that. Wait.

Happy anniversary.

No wonder, no wonder one out of three marriages ends in divorce.

Did you see what she did?

Look. I didn't see, and I'm not asking questions.

Let's go before some lunatic starts to chase you down the hall.

What do you mean, don't worry, your wife's in good hands, huh? Please, now

me, that was my partner, Mark Slate, chasing your wife. What kind of an

is that? Who's Mark Slate? Who are you, for that matter? My name is April

Dancer, and if you'll just calm down, I'll explain everything.

The police.

That's who you'll explain everything to. Don't call the police. Leave me. You

can't call the police. Hello, this is Herbert Farmer, room 206.

Herbert, please.

I'm trying to help you.

Now, if you'll just calm down, I'll prove to you that your wife is perfectly

safe. All right.

Mark? Come in, Mark.

You called, Bannon?

That's Mark Slate?

Hardly.

Let's go.

April?

April? Looks like your accomplice is giving you the cold shoulder.

Worse than that, she got cut off.

I don't believe this whole thing is happening.

All my life, Mama said to me, New York is a jungle.

Every day it was. Shirley, don't go into the subway alone.

Shirley, don't go near Central Park. Shirley, if a strange man says hello,

him and run into the closest automat.

And what happens? Nothing.

I have to travel 5 ,000 miles to the Carpathian Mountains to get trapped in

elevator with a strange man. And it's not my honeymoon night yet.

Look, Shirley, I'm truly sorry you got involved in this.

Just give me the cartridge and I'll take you back to your own floor.

Over your dead body. For once, Herbie's father's going to find out that some

people don't like to get pushed around, mainly me.

Nobody's getting this except the cops.

Okay. Give it your own way.

Help! Please!

Help! Oh, give me a little!

Chateau Lafitte Rothschild, 1959.

Herbert, was that a good year?

Terrible. That was the year we cut our whole line in velvet and the market went

crazy for corduroy, don't you remember?

With all this wine around here, I hate to see it go to waste.

Ah, I'll open the champagne and we'll celebrate.

What, are you kidding?

What is there to celebrate about? Here I am on my wedding night, locked in a

damp wine cellar while my bride is chasing around the countryside with some

other man?

What's so important about that lousy tape, anyhow?

Good evening.

Good evening.

Midnight brunch is now being served.

I took the liberty of ordering something very nice for you.

Listen. Listen, you can't keep us locked up in here.

You can't keep us locked up in here like this.

You're perfectly right, my young friend. And just as soon as you hand that tape

over to us, you can check out.

Come, come now, Mr. Muniz.

You know perfectly well that Uncle has the tape.

It's already been decoded.

And we know exactly what your team is.

April, darling, your mother knows you tell such fears.

If Uncle has the tape, why has he sent you and Mark?

late to my humble hotel.

Just as good and not so expensive.

You're wasting time, Magda.

I'll get him to talk. Where's that tape?

I said, where are those tapes?

What? Come on, you heard me.

How come you hear anything with a gun in my ear?

Well,

now, don't they think I have enough to do around here without being in

service?

Hey, mister.

The watchman call is ringing.

Haunting perfume countess.

Haunting perfume countess.

A sleeper awake.

They're all the same.

No, there's nobody here.

They've all gone.

Except one old gent who's sweeping it off.

Could you wake him up?

Okay.

I'll try.

Hey, hey, mister. Mister.

Wake up, mister.

They want you on the thingamajig.

Huh?

What's that?

You know, that closet.

Oh, oh, yes.

Yes, of course.

I must have told Doc.

Now can I get on with my cleaning?

Oh, yes, yes, yes. Please do.

Waverly here.

Sure won't disturb your hangover.

Waverly here.

Yes, I heard you the first time. Slate here, sir.

Mr. Slate, where the devil have you been?

I've been trying to contact you and Miss Dancer all night.

Intelligence says their hands are tied without that cartridge.

I'm in a somewhat similar situation, sir.

Mr.

Slade, what about that cartridge?

Have you got it?

Yes and no, sir.

It depends which way you look at it.

Mr. Slade, either that cartridge is in your possession or it isn't.

And if it isn't, can you lay your hands on it immediately?

Make a move, I'd break your arm.

It's not quite that simple, sir, you see. I don't enjoy chasing after

Mr. Slade.

Do you have that cartridge, or don't you?

What? Listen, mister, whatever your name is, I've got your precious cartridge,

and I intend to keep it. And furthermore, if my father -in -law is so

it, he can hear it in court.

What's going on there, Mr. Slade? Will you go away, please?

Well, you don't have to yell.

I'm not!

The best excuse for bachelorhood I've ever met.

Who was that woman?

That was Shirley Thummer, sir. Mrs. Shirley Thummer!

Mrs. Shirley Thummer, sir.

It's rather a long and complicated story.

Well, you can get it uncomplicated for me in person.

Where are you?

I'm in jail, just outside Bushloft.

One of your friends, eh?

How the devil did you manage that?

Oh, never mind.

Don't let that Thummer woman out of your sight.

I'll be there in a few hours.

I'll give you ample time to invent an excuse for your present predicament.

What?

Now, Herbie.

Yeah? It may hurt just a little bit.

Here we go.

Sorry. You're all right.

That's a nice rosé.

That's a very touching, Nurse Spencer, but it's hardly necessary.

The man has a headache.

It's a temporary condition, I assure you.

In a little while, his pain will be all gone.

Forever.

Huh?

What? Your aunt plans to kill us.

Yes.

You know, actually, I envy you.

I mean, it must be a great relief to know when your time is up.

I hadn't thought of it that way. I often have.

A great weight is taken off your shoulders.

The future is of no importance.

The finalities of the present can be ignored.

Don't you agree?

I suppose so.

There is one banality I would like cleared up before I make my exit.

Yes?

What was on that cake?

You couldn't break the code, could you?

Replacing the world leaders with our thrush doubles was Auntie's idea, but

the lunar orbiter's signal as a triggering code was...

My idea.

You're clever.

So, in other words, all you need to unscramble the code is to... Synchronize

cartridge with the transmission from the lunar orbiter.

Lay the two together and read the message.

Clever. But you don't have the cartridge.

It's a detail, and we're taking care of it.

Michelot, you wouldn't by any chance happen to have an aspirin on you.

Why?

Do you have a headache?

No.

But you will.

Shortly. Bon voyage.

He's unconscious.

Herbert! Huh?

Get out of here. Come on.

Special ball, Johnny.

So that's what the game is.

Obviously, they're planning to...

Plant thrush doubles in key cities around the world.

Oh, you're beautiful.

Beautiful. Since I know you, I've had guns poked in my ears, boxes broken over

my head, not to mention an occasional golf cart blown out from under me, but

this. Oh, this is your greatest triumph yet.

Wired into an electric toaster in the middle of a chicken soup factory.

Herbie, please. You're not dead yet.

Besides, this thing isn't even turned on.

Well, well, well.

my two favorite troublemakers getting along.

You know, my assaulted Mr. Mullins is not too fond of either of you. But I

hold grudges.

So I've noticed.

Yeah.

As my late Maxie used to say, all an eye for an eye gets you is two blind

minds.

So, lucky for you I like young people.

I am going to give you a sporting chance.

I'll bet.

Look.

Do you want to give us your name?

My name is Selma. Her name is Selma.

Selma, do you want to take your seat right up there with a little assistance?

And there we go.

Now remember, this is a race in which speed and endurance counts.

The first one to pedal...

Miles on the dial wins the race and a free bottle of champagne.

Wait, wait, wait. I think you misunderstood me. I said only the bottle

The champagne costs a fortune.

Our bicycles are attached to the heating element in the toaster.

The faster the bicycle, the hotter the toaster. Get the picture?

That's a...

Pretty clear, actually.

What about this sporting chance you're supposed to give us?

Well, if they all give up before they have traveled five miles, you have a

sporting chance.

But if one of them has extra strong legs, you get the

toasting of your life.

Chicken soup.

One of my better items.

If you kill us, how do you expect to find the tape?

Oh, darling.

We have already found it, thanks to your talking fountain pen.

As a matter of fact, an old friend would like to say goodbye before picking it

up.

Really, Miss Adler.

I'd like to... save for the finish of the race, my dear, but duty calls.

Goodbye. Good luck.

Hey, who's that guy?

That's not Mr.

Waverly.

You can't expect to get away with this.

Well, you and I know he's a zircon, but we'll mark play.

Highway robbers?

charging me a thousand pengos for carrying a concealed weapon. How did I

she was going to hit a policeman? Now, both you acers, listen to me.

I'm afraid there isn't time for that, Mrs. Palmer.

May I have that cartridge, please?

I told you before, no.

Now, look, Shirley, be reasonable.

I promise you that whatever is on that tape has nothing whatsoever to do with

your father -in -law.

Turn blue.

Now, look here, Mrs. Palmer, I want the tape counted now. You're hurting my arm.

Look, Mr.

Waverly, there's absolutely no need... Surprise, Mr. Slate.

I suggest you and the lady get in the car.

do as you're told slate get in the car move move

Enjoy the show.

There are no commercial interruptions.

You will have to power a suspenseful viewing or survive.

I hate chicken soup.

And look at Carol Petal here. Look at her legs move,

ladies and gentlemen. Look at that action.

Come on, Carol, keep moving, keep moving, keep moving. There we go.

That's the way, Selma. That's the way. Keep going.

Isn't that a marvelous exception?

Ladies and gentlemen, look at Selma move.

Three and a half miles on the dial.

There must be some way to shut this out.

I feel like an English muffin.

Channel 3, Paris.

Priority one.

Go ahead, Mr. Weverley.

My suspicions have just been verified.

Mr. Slate and his companion have just been abducted by my thrush double.

Until we get possession of that cottage, we can't tell where thrush will strike.

Now listen.

I want a full green alert.

White House, London, Paris, Pekin, Moscow, the works.

It seems to be Selma. Unless, ladies and gentlemen, unless Carol and Clarice

catch up. This is a fight to the finish, ladies and gentlemen. This is really

burning up.

Water.

Water!

There's not any water around here.

Chicken soup.

Chicken soup!

I guess we were done.

What would Father Flanagan say about you?

So it's finished.

Uncle can't do a thing now to stop us.

There's no way to treat a married lady.

Correction, my shrinking violet. You were a married lady. Your new title is

widow.

What have you done to my Herbie?

Oh, there, there. Now, darling, don't cry. Just look at it this way.

If poor Herbie were alive now, in a few minutes, he'd be a widower.

Better he doesn't know.

Herbie.

All right, all right.

It's time to leave, ladies and gentlemen.

Rise, Mr. Slate.

Look.

Right, now, move.

Go on.

Go to bed. Come on. Go to bed.

In there.

Oh, wait a minute.

Shirley, relieve Mr.

Munson of the cartridge.

Where I came in.

Rock, I always knew you were a cloud.

Inside. Go on.

Together?

Inside.

I want to find Herbie. Maybe they were lying.

There isn't time. We have to get the cartridge to Uncle now.

No Herbie, no cartridge.

Which is it?

Herbie.

What's to say?

Just for a moment there, I thought you'd mistaken me for my thrush double.

Mr. Wendland, I'd like you to meet Mrs.

Shirley Thummer.

She's the lady with the cartridge. Oh, yes.

The information on that tape was of internet. Come on.

The uncle agent and the girl have escaped with the cartridge.

I was just coming to tell you I have finished duplicating another.

We can begin transmission at any time. Good.

But I want those two first. I have some unfinished business with Mr.

Mark Slate.

Auntie.

You and Mr.

Monis.

I'd forgotten how relaxing it seemed about to be.

Better with your clothes off.

Don't mind me. I'm just one of the boys.

Miss Bomber, you should try our new lady sauna.

This is really against the rules.

Hands up, gentlemen.

He isn't dead, is he?

I have a feeling Mark was here.

A friend certainly has a peculiar way of marking trails.

Sorry.

Good me glory.

Good, very good.

This carrying factory is the latest addition to my humble hotel.

2 ,500 cans of Mother Magda's famous soups are produced here every hour.

I think I used to buy them. I could kill myself.

Don't worry, I got out of situations worse than this before.

I have prepared a fresh bat of borscht just for you.

It was my late Maxie's favorite.

By the way, your friends seem to have popped out for the moment.

We will take care of them as soon as you are in Sissou.

Mi cloche.

They are all yours.

Work the dial.

cartridge, Mr. Munnis?

She'll have that cartridge, Mr. Munnis.

All right, let's get those hands up.

Herbie.

What have you done with my wife?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Take it easy, Herbie.

No trick.

Say it again. I didn't hear you too good.

I said... She's in a canning factory with Mother Magda.

She's in the canning factory with that... I heard what you said.

Now, listen.

I'll go check out the canning factory. You stay here and watch him.

I'll watch him.

Just watch him.

I'll watch him.

Don't worry about that.

That's nice material.

In the name of decency, woman, at least let Mrs. Palmer go free.

And let her spread malicious gossip about me.

I have a reputation to protect.

Don't be so ungrateful. There are plenty of people who would love the soup.

Let me know if it needs more salt.

Bon appétit.

You can't deny it. Mother Magda does put her heart and soul into her soup.

So I said to myself, I said, Manny, Manny, you want to get into this high

equipment business. There's nothing like it. It has all kinds of... Mr. and Mrs.

Summer, Herbert and Shirley, not just the United Network Command for Law and

Enforcement, but I would venture to say the whole world owes you a debt of

gratitude.

Here.

Long life.

Radiant health, boundless joy, and plenty of children.

I'll drink to that.

Cheers.

The glasses, Herbie. We're smashing our glasses.

Oh.

Well, now that your services are no longer required by the uncle

what are your plans?

Well... To get on with the honeymoon.

All in good time, Shirley.

All in good time.

About my services being no longer required, if I were your organization,

think it over.

I got us out of that toaster pretty good, didn't I?

You were incredible.

Trust me.

Suddenly it's all very clear to me.

I was born to do espionage work.

Something about the way I move.

Herbie. Now, don't try to talk me out of it, Shirley.

I'm the spy who came in from the garment industry.