Original subtitles

This is April Benson, general assignment agent of Uncle.

Out of headquarters right here in New York City.

A former service brat, they call her.

Lived here, there, around the world most of her life.

Fluent in a dozen different languages.

Intelligent, resourceful. And as you will see, of many faces, I emphasize

her remarkable ability to assume different personalities.

Magnificent.

Beautiful. So lovely.

These film clips that we acquired from many different sources at no

small cost for the sole purpose to identify this young woman so that she

be instantly recognizable to each and every member of the syndicate from the

executive committee on down the line.

This girl I would like to steal.

She would look so good in my harem.

This girl, April Dancer, is a very real danger to our proposed operation.

She must be found and destroyed.

Oh, what a waste.

What an unfortunate waste.

Good boy.

Mar?

Hello there.

Did you come all the way to the airport just to meet little old me?

No, I come all the way to the airport to get a sandwich.

How long?

Nothing to say.

Can I get a check?

Yes.

That's fine.

What? Nothing at all? Yes.

Lula, get the car ready.

The two agents from UNCLE here to greet us.

Let's go.

celebrate a birthday, would you like to be the one to dispose of them?

Oh, may I, Your Magnus? By all means.

Thank you, Doctor, thank you. Follow them, but not too closely.

Oh, they're sick of us!

Too good, we picked up a tail.

Attention all units!

Attention all units!

Bill Gates.

Nice.

Nice.

A change of plans.

Executor Hytale. Repeat, Hytale.

Now I gave you a marvelous opportunity. Look what you've done.

I've seen our agents being destroyed on the ground and in the air. Is that the

way you handle things?

We miscalculated slightly, Your Highness.

Well, as they say in America, two stacks and you're out, kiddo.

Yes, sir. Now watch the master in action.

Are you ready?

Marvelous, Your Magnificence.

Marvelous. It's done.

Thank you.

Forget him. Forget him.

Get the girl in the car.

Get her in the car.

Oh, Ali, don't feel so bad.

I'll give you another chance on your next birthday.

Ali?

No, thank you.

Ali, have you seen one of these?

Anko.

Very ingenious, eh?

Shall we notify your headquarters, Your Magnificence?

Oh, no, no, not yet.

No, they would only put her to death at once.

Time enough for that later.

For the present, as we are fortunate enough to have such lovely flowers in

hands, why shouldn't I enjoy the fragrance, eh?

Through the haze, I distinctly remember seeing a man, Robert Dimley, I'm afraid.

Victor Dimley?

That's not what you are.

It's very quick now, deep before it.

I'm sure you are.

However, I can't see that your sentiment's going to be of much help.

Yes?

Miss Dance, there's frequency coming in, sir, but it's not Miss Dance.

Spanish, do you think?

Definitely, sir.

With some sort of overlay.

A little sharpness to the continents.

What?

Eastern?

Moroccan, I think.

Now, if you are listening, my dear friends, as I'm sure you are, I suggest

scratch one agent.

The lovely and celebrated Miss Dunson.

I'm sorry and all that, but I had to, you know.

Over and out.

May I ask what assignment McDonagh's been on?

A mentor at the city.

Head of an international mafia -like syndicate.

Ever heard of him?

Yes, sir.

Miss Dancer's linked him to three gentlemen we've been unable to identify.

But certainly with the city manipulating things, your lives will be on a grand

scale. And most unholy.

Also, Miss Dancer reasoned. It looks as if she was right.

Unfortunately, that's the entire sum of our information.

Yes, sir.

Are you interested?

Your Magnificence. Ah, madame.

A new addition.

How do you do?

I'm sorry, I'm not exactly garden fresh, but then I wasn't really prepared for

this trip.

Of course, if I could have my purse. I don't have it. Madame, madame, consider

the lightness.

If your Magnificence approves.

The rippling form of a young tigress.

May we also not consider this Tigress?

Yes. A bit scraggly.

Scraggly? No.

Life, madame, life.

We live in a streamlined age.

Alas, times change.

Such grace.

Under -rippling.

Forgive me. I am used to more of a fullness.

Something your magnificence can grasp solidly.

Enough.

You see to it that she's put in order at once.

As you will, Serenity. Wait a minute.

What does he mean, put in order?

Just what is exactly out of order?

Alas, all.

Infidel. The purifying and the washing.

What a task. And then what have we got? A scraggly infidel.

Get your hands off the coat now. Go back on the roof.

Get me the setting, Napoli.

Dossetti here.

Ah, Dossetti.

Salim. Tutto pronto.

Ah, Salim. My good friend.

How was your trip home?

Oh, uneventful.

And yours?

Hey, it is always good to return to Napoli.

I always feel so good when I'm here.

Napoli, Napoli, Napoli!

Finish, I go Napoli. Let's get down to business.

Hey, Salim, you must learn to mix more pleasure with your business.

Are you ready for tonight?

Yes, I'm ready, I'm ready.

The machine is working perfectly.

And you?

All equipment here is a go -go.

Meteorology says tonight will be perfect for phase A.

It's pitch black, moonless, and no wind.

Good.

Then we'll depart here at 22 hours.

Look for us over Napoli at midnight.

We will look for you over Napoli at midnight.

Napoli, Napoli, Napoli.

When I was three.

And I don't need any help from anybody.

Then we won't help.

Climb in yourself if you wish.

But I don't wish to take a bath.

You must be purified. It is the custom.

Suppose I don't believe in your customs.

What could you do about it then?

Purify the infidel.

And this is next to godliness.

There, that's better.

Incredible.

Madame, why this infidel pussycat?

If the master is lonely, here am I. No, I can show him a tigress.

Yes, this Tigris business has gone on too far.

You don't want to be loved by the shining sun of the sky?

Oh, well, I never thought of it that way, but no.

Is this true?

Absolutely, Scout Honor.

It is hard to believe.

Well, we've always been a nonconformist family.

Can you get me out?

Maybe.

I use this sometimes when, well, when you're in love.

can wander at will in my palace, eh?

With my aid and my due regard.

Oh, someone is going to pay for this.

All of you, get out of here!

Get out!

Get to work! Out!

And you, how did you get here, eh?

Apologies for being here.

Who is to be blamed? The jury guard?

Yes, master.

Boil him in oil.

You can't do that.

No, yes, I can.

He had nothing whatsoever to do with it. Oh, these beautiful tigers of ours has

to be punished.

She has to be punished.

Tell madame there must be no unsightly bruises.

No, Mark, shut up, then.

Your surveillance eyes.

I will check to see when I return.

How are you? Good?

Very good. Bravo, bravo, bravo. How was your trip?

The flying saucers go good.

Champagne, champagne, hurry up.

Salim, not one soul in this village is going to stop running until they drop

from sheer exhaustion.

Good.

Ah, beautiful,

beautiful.

Let me see.

I am so sorry you could not go back with the saucer. But it is most vital we

discuss the final phase of the operation.

Do you mind?

Well, I do have some unfinished business of the palace, but...

Oh, I suppose it can wait.

Good, good.

It's so beautiful.

You know, this fits in perfectly with the manager plan.

Come, let's go discuss the details, eh? Very well.

Andiamo.

Morning, sir.

Good morning, Mr. Smith.

Do I understand you found your distinctly dimly face?

Yes, sir.

Anything there?

Flying saucer affair.

Uh, the wire third are here, sir.

I'm in Torre del Setti.

Credible witness of unidentified flying object. Yeah, not the Setti, sir. The

half -face over his shoulder there.

You sure it's the right man?

Positive, sir.

Well, almost.

It all ties in. The Setti, Miss Darcy's disappearance, now this flying saucer

business.

I mean, we hardly think the men from outer space have landed in a small town

Italy.

Do we, sir?

Hardly. No.

Mr. Zazetti, please.

Slate.

Oh, yes, Slate.

You have an appointment with Mr. Zazetti.

Oh, and may I suggest five minutes only? He is worn.

There have been so many newspaper, television, night and day. Such a

Fabulous, isn't it?

This way, please. Thank you.

Mr. Dossetti, I'm afraid I'm intruding on your valuable time.

Oh, no, no, that is not so at all.

A drink?

Oh, no, thank you.

I have what you might call a presentiment.

How do you say?

A hunch.

You might be the most interesting journalist we've had so far.

Ali, you will stay in?

Now, what can I tell you about this affair?

Perhaps you have some questions you wish to ask.

Some questions that no one else has asked before.

Have you, Mr. Mark Slate?

Hey, please, put your hands on top of your head, huh?

Go, go!

Uh -uh, uh -uh, uh -uh.

I wouldn't do that if I were you.

So, Mr. Slate, what do you have to say for yourself?

Good morning.

Oh, you're magnificent.

Ah, madame.

Her liveness is being ready.

Not damaged, I hope.

Your serenity will find no mark.

Search as you will.

Oh, I intend to.

Thoroughly.

Our garden grows.

This one will be boiled in oil.

Oh, come on.

Oil.

Boiled.

No, no, no, no, no, no. This won't do. This won't do at all.

I'm prepared to be quite reasonable. I'm an extremely patient man.

And I can understand how it's possible to lose control of oneself in the middle

of all this hubbub. But my dear fellow, you must pull yourself together and face

reality no matter how painful.

I'd hate to see you lose your head entirely.

Literally, that is.

That's very considerate of you.

Thank you.

And let me remind you, Uncle is aware of your identity and of how to find you.

What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?

After this length of time without a word from me, I think it's extremely

reasonable to assume that at least a hundred Uncle combat missions are on

way here.

Really?

Undoubtedly. So should any mischief befall either myself or Miss April

You're a friend of the scraggly infidel.

Aha! So Miss Dancer is here, I repeat.

Should anything untoward happen to that girl, I will hold you strictly

responsible.

On the other hand, if you're interested in my protection, there are one or two

conditions.

Yes?

Firstly, transportation, first -class transportation to New York, not by

post, if you don't mind.

Secondly, I'd like you to show me the way out of here immediately.

Oh, that would be a pleasure.

Step this way.

Take him away. He's mad.

He's absolutely mad.

Hi there.

You don't know me, but I've been admiring you from afar.

Yes, you definitely have talent.

Mars, just as you are, I wouldn't change a thing.

Absolutely perfect.

Have you ever considered the big time?

I'll bet.

Then in New York City alone, there are at least 5 ,322 hotels that would be

dying to have you stand out front.

Oh, well, if you should ever change your mind, don't call us.

We'll call you.

Hello. Would you like to play a quaint American game?

Of course.

Please forage hot foot. Please forage cold foot. Please forage in the pot.

Dosetti has arrived.

Find them and stop Dosetti.

He must not know April Dancer is here. Hurry!

Go! Go!

What's this?

The chap at school would never believe this. Never.

We must get out of here quickly.

Well, hang on a minute. This is as good a place to hide as any. But Salim's

guards will search this place thoroughly.

Don't blame them, dear.

This way, there's a secret door to escape.

Leave here, I suppose, so I don't need to shake it. Harry, it will be too late.

It is too late.

Hold it.

Don't you come near me.

No, no, no.

It's the light.

The way it seems to bathe you in a soft glow of loveliness.

Your hair.

Sparkles. Almost as if you were wearing a diamond tiara.

I'm mistaken. It is a tiara.

Well, I haven't got any tiara.

It's just my hair sparkling.

It's just her hair sparkling.

Beautiful.

You ought to be in pictures.

But then I suppose everyone tells you that.

No, not everybody.

It's a shame. So much beauty going to waste.

Look. I have a few connections in the motion picture industry in England and

America.

But then, of course, you wouldn't be interested.

I'm interested.

I'm interested.

If only I could get away from here.

Just the two of us.

There must be a way.

There's no way out.

There goes Stardom up the spout.

Well, there's no way out. Not this minute, but perhaps later.

Now, let's talk some more about me in Hollywood.

Channel D, please.

Oh, Mr. Wesley.

Oh, excuse me. I felt I should check in, sir.

Why, I'm in a harem, sir.

Well, where exactly is this harem?

Um, well, I'm not sure, sir. Not exactly.

Not exactly?

Why not exactly, Mr.

Slade?

Um, I came here by trunk, sir.

By trunk, you say?

I'm afraid so, yes, sir.

Yes, yes, yes. We'll get to the point.

Um... I did hear mention of the Shat, sir, which can only be the river Chateau

Faillis.

Yes, sir, that's right, Tunisian Gulf.

We landed, I think, at a private airport, sir, not far from the palace.

Oh, and, uh, oh, uh, dimly distinct, sir.

I turn out to be right about him. He loads straight from his dance, sir.

And the set is in the flying saucer business up to his teapot, sir. So what

that's about, I have no idea.

Oh, they're trying to create a climate of panic, of course.

That's it. Create a panic, then strike.

Yes, but strike just where?

And to what purpose?

Well, that's for you to discover.

You and Miss Dancer.

There are a few difficulties, sir.

Oh, rubbish, rubbish.

I'll get back to you. I shan't move, sir.

Give me NATO command.

Mediterranean.

Air search commander.

of Kuwait.

Here are the state apartments.

Now, here is the corner where the sources are.

During the panic that will follow, our combat unit will move into here, the

palace center.

And so, to the treasury and to the strong rooms.

Piled from floor to ceiling with bars of gold bullion.

Any gentleman?

I want you to know this is the greatest treasure of gold in one location in all

of Europe and Asia.

And I was there.

Now, gentlemen, before I show you another map in greater detail, let us

all the action.

The palace entrance.

The state apartment.

The treasury.

The strong rooms.

The gold.

infiltrated my own palace.

Let's go. Wait.

First we must find out how she's come here.

And then what information Uncle has.

I assume you have various devices to make the young lady talk, huh?

Oh, yes, of course.

And this time we won't worry about the bruises.

Bring her.

you would have stayed hidden in my harrow.

All of this could have been avoided.

Tell me, is this some sort of purifying process?

No. Not quite, my dear.

No, not quite the same thing.

This is oil.

Boiling oil.

Very pretty and very deadly.

Now, they tell me in America... You have a delicacy called French fries.

Well, you see, here in our country, we too prepare certain things in the same

manner. Only we call them Moroccan crisps.

Appetizing, isn't it?

Moroccan crisps.

Not very.

Well, each to his own taste.

Now, personally, I would rather not see you turn into a Moroccan. and delicacy.

But of course, that's for you to decide.

Ah! Amico Dossetti!

Are we ready?

At your convenience.

She is unfortunately all yours.

Now, Miss Danson, you want to tell us about Uncle?

I hate to see a lovely girl die.

Why don't you join the syndicate and become one of us, huh?

French Friday, Pooh.

Unless she tells all she knows about Uncle?

How do we get there?

Well, Miss Van...

Plane.

What would they be doing over this area?

Reconnaissance planes from Uncle.

People see by the saucer. I got control room.

There must be jets.

This ship must be moved immediately.

Oh, we'll take off immediately, Master.

All right. And you, take that silly mask off and get to work.

You, come with me.

Quick, quick.

Mark. Yes?

You were RAF. Why?

Because we're flying.

Don't fly.

Get rid of him.

Well?

Comprehensive as my experience has been.

No saucers.

Oh, good.

No, you look for parachutes. I'll go downstairs and look for foreign bodies.

Good girl.

Mark's late.

You fly it fine.

Intercept leader to flying object.

Intercept leader to flying object.

Over.

Wait a minute.

Mike.

This is intercept leader to flying object. Please identify.

Repeat. Please identify. We're friendly.

We're extremely friendly.

Friendly.

Attention, flying object. You will land immediately.

Land, he said.

I think I found it.

I can't get it.

and get into a parachute.

If you don't like my driving, why don't you get out and walk?