All language subtitles for The Girl from U.N.C.L.E. S01E15 The Faustus Affair

Thank you.

Jimmy! Good evening, Dr. Clumper.

Cry out loud. Do you have to do that?

I am here to revise my offer.

The terms are now anything.

Anything you want, it is yours.

Yes, well, what I want is for people to
stop busting in on me when I'm trying to

test this thing.

Now, I've told you once before, I'm not
interested.

What would be so kind as to leave my
laboratory so I can... Believe me,

I'm merely trying to persuade you.

They're good.

Find out anything?

No.

Except this is what they were on.

The lab assures me there's no secret
imprinting.

Just a piece of ordinary white paper of
the sort frequently used for the cover

of juvenile comic fiction.

Comic books?

Are you serious?

Well, we've got to take it seriously.

The world will never be the same again
if we don't stop this fellow Bub.

Trouble is, we don't know what it is
we've got to stop him from.

And now that Professor Quantum is
involved, it becomes an urgent matter.

Quantum?

I didn't think he was such a great
genius.

On the contrary, quantum is quite an
authority on the origin of light and

climate.

Quite dedicated, really.

He seems like a fellow who might sell
his soul for a slide rule.

Why do you say that?

What? About selling his soul.

I don't know.

Has she seen the composite drawing yet?

Not yet, no.

Section 4 has assigned a tentative
identification to the fellow.

Strange name, isn't it?

Bob.

Bertram Elsie Bob.

B. Elsie Bob?

Well, obviously it suited him.

Obviously.

Mysterious fellow.

Enormous wealth.

Source unknown.

Section four suggests he may be
connected with a nightclub called the

Mr. Slate, you can start there.

Right, sir. As for you, Miss Dancer, my
friend the president of the university

has a research fellowship for you.

Right, sir.

I'm April Dancer, your new research
assistant.

I don't need a new research assistant.

I've told them that a hundred times.

I'm really very busy.

I have to do everything myself.

Nobody seems to know how to connect a
hydronium circuit anymore.

How can I complete myself when they give
me

junk like this?

I think that's all a person really
needs, don't you?

What? A chance to complete oneself.

Self. S -E -L -V.

It's an acronym for Sympathetic
Electromagnetic Light Variator.

Personally, I hate acronyms.

Doesn't take that much longer to say
Sympathetic Electromagnetic Light

All right, if you don't want to talk
about it.

What?

Oh, it's easy to withdraw and pretend
that the disdainfulness of the situation

is more tenuous.

Well, it's... It's not easy, exactly.
Well, the thing is, Doctor,

if you're determined to let the
transmoral migrations be the singular

then you have to expect it.

Oh, I do, in a way.

Your name is, uh...

April Dancer, your new research
assistant.

You have a very pretty mind.

Thank you, Doctor.

I don't understand anything you say.

I am a shoelace.

I hold my tongue and say nothing.

I weave in and out.

Cross and double cross, in and out.

Ending in a sometimes bow, but more
often than not.

I wonder if you could do something for
me. I don't have the light of doubt.

I see.

I wonder if you could possibly help me
locate a man named

Bob. Are you the Bob?

I don't think so.

No. You're not Fuzz.

Um, how do you know?

Hey, baby.

Have you ever seen Fuzz with Soul?

That's a very good question.

I wonder if you would be willing to

discuss Fuzz now.

Anything else you want to talk about?

Dancer here.

Oh, hi, Miss Dancer. It's me, Randy.

Do you know if Mr.

Slade is still at the Inferno?

Why? What's the matter?

Well, he was supposed to report in 20
minutes ago, and I haven't been able to

reach him. And I thought maybe I'd go
over to that Inferno place after I got

relieved. No, absolutely not, Randy.

I'll go myself.

He's probably just gotten involved with
something and lost track of the time.

No, Sidney.

Through that door right there.

In the cellar.

Okay, now this is really colorful.

Frankly, I thought someplace a bit
quieter where we might talk.

No.

I have thought like that for too long.

Like what?

Do you believe that a single moment can
change a person's life?

I guess so.

Jonathan, would you excuse me? I think I
had a single moment today.

Really? When you told me off.

Oh, I'm sorry about that, Jonathan. No,
no, I needed it.

What has my work brought me, huh?

A certain renown has some ego value, but
what else?

Financial rewards?

Nary a whit.

Nary one single little whit.

But more important... Now...

Oh, well, I wasn't... I didn't really
mean that. Oh, you don't have to say.

gonna be different.

You watch.

Waiter! I wouldn't carry it too far.

Uh, what poison are you pushing today?

The specialty of the house is the
inferno.

Oh, marvelous.

Well, let's try a couple, huh? And a
ginger ale for the lady.

Right.

Now, Jonathan, you will excuse me. Oh,
good.

April, don't touch the door.

What?

The handle's hot enough to bake Alaska.

I gather someone wants you in there.

There must be a bypass switch near the
door.

I don't see one.

Well, there has to be. Otherwise, Bob
himself couldn't get in here without

burning his fingers.

Wait a minute. There's a loose brick.

That should have done it.

Yeah, it's cool already.

Oh, good.

My dear girl, you must take more pride
in your appearance.

Now, where's Professor Kwan?

He's upstairs.

We know his image will be less than
comfortable.

He's going to have his stomach pumped.

Two

infernos

and one ginger ale.

That's eight dollars.

Eight dollars?

That's it.

All right, thank you. Your concern is
touching.

I thought I had his confidence, too. Now
the trick will be just to find him.

Where are you from?

Well, hello, Jonathan.

Come on. I want to take you for a ride
in my new car.

Is this yours?

Sure. Didn't I tell you I was going to
start swinging?

Some pendulum.

Where'd you get it?

Oh. One just has to know where the best
deals are made.

Where are the best deals made?

Where are the best deals made?

Get in. I want to show you something
that'll really impress you.

If you think the new car is

something, will you get a load of this?
My own biokinetotron wing. How about

that? My own biokinetotron wing.

Isn't it beautiful? Huh?

Yes. Isn't it?

These plants were imported from the
lower depths of the Amazon.

Aren't they gorgeous?

Of course, I have more equipment coming.
But I can duplicate any climate on

Earth. And a bunch you'd have to go to
Mars for.

That's marvelous, Jonathan.

Oh, that's nothing.

This wing has three more rooms just like
it.

And I can put together infinite
combinations of temperature, humidity,

precipitation, radiation, air pressure.

The master control is in that booth
behind the glass.

How about a nice little monsoon this
morning, eh?

I'll take your word for it. And it's
mine.

All mine.

Do you know any other scientist who has
his own biokinetotron building?

Not really, no.

Uh, where did, uh, where did all this
come from all of a sudden?

Well, I'm supposed to say it represents
a grant from a foundation.

Some foundation, huh?

Uh -huh.

But, um, what do they expect in return?

I don't want to talk about it.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I just mean to pry.

Just that, well,

it seems as if they'd want something.

I want to talk about you, April.

Me?

This has been the most incredible 24
hours of my life.

Well, it's been very unusual for me,
too, Jonathan. And suddenly I realize

anything I want is within my grasp.

Anything?

the facilities, Dr. Quantum?

Say, this is tremendous.

I'm glad you are pleased.

If you will supervise, I have made
arrangements to transfer your entire lab

this building this afternoon.

All right, great.

Say, this is really tremendous.

And you're leaving the university?

Sure. They don't have anything over
there to compare with this.

But, Jonathan, you're teaching.

Young woman,

Leave us, please. We have things to
discuss.

Now, just watch your tone, Bob.

April happens to be my new research
assistant.

Maybe just a little bit more.

I beg your pardon.

Well, okay, but just watch it.

Otherwise, I might decide not to show
you that final test demonstration

What did you say?

Well, just watch it.

I think I'll leave you two to talk.

Now, let's see.

I'll need about seven trucks to move all
my equipment.

This is April.

Tell Mark he should have a free half
hour in Mr. Bub's office if he goes

now.

Yes? Mr. Bob?

He's not here. I'll relay a message.

Oh, but I can't. My dear good woman,
this is Operative A -Blue speaking. My

confirming code is July Round, which, if
you remember your training, gives me

clearance at all levels. State your
business.

I'm sorry, sir.

Just speak up, woman.

I wish to inform Mr. Bob that
preparations at all the museums will be

by... Yes?

Nice to see you again, Mr.

uh... Goethe. Willie Goethe. This is
Georgie Gunnar.

Got down here pretty quick.

Hey, Dash Blue.

And the security monitor caught that
when the bells went off like it was New

Year's Eve.

Let's go.

Yeah, well, I'm relieved to find Bob
uses such a pedestrian device as a

monitor, so I was beginning to entertain
some rather curious notions.

Pray, Blue.

Ah!

Beverly says you want to stay here.

Believe me, it's the only way.

What, and pretend to cooperate with Bob?

Right. It's like Uncle Howard always
says.

Catch more flies with honey than with
vinegar.

Or is it the other way around?

Anyway, you leave Jonathan to me.

All you've got to do is check out the
SELV bulb.

Who's Uncle Howard?

I have it set up right here.

April, give me the viewer.

It's good.

Of course, I can't imagine why you'd
give me so much for this thing.

I just don't see how it's going to make
any positive contribution to the society

in which we live.

Rest assured Dr. Quantum, it will make a
contribution.

Now listen to me, Dr. Quantum. If you
have fooled me, it should take effect

Perfect.

Well, it's not really all that
difficult.

You see, white light is a composite of
all wavelengths.

And if you alter the tuning forks,
that's April's phrase.

Absolutely perfect.

Now, Dr. Quantum, give me the formula by
which the feelings are made.

Now.

I beg your pardon.

Look up in that hall.

Well, look who's here.

I don't believe we've met.

Well, I'm Dr.

Quantum's research assistant, and I know
you work for that wonderful Mr.

Bob.

I just want to say, I think it's
wonderful what you're doing for

Wonderful to see you.

Ah,

Miss Dancer, what a delightful
coincidence.

I was on my way to find you.

Oh, yes?

I hope you don't mind my being direct,
Miss Dancer.

Dr. Quantum and I have a business
arrangement, the terms of which...

though they may sound bizarre, are that
I give him anything he wants.

Well, isn't it nice he has such a good
agent?

And what he wants is you.

Me?

You.

Well, I'm really terribly flattered.

But honestly, I just... I...

No.

No formula, and that's final.

Oh, April.

Hello, Jonathan.

You see, Dr. Quantum, I keep my word.

Perhaps if I leave you two alone, you
may be persuaded to keep your word about

the formula.

Miss Danza, cooperate.

No formula, no April.

Let's leave it on this time.

Don't you care what happened to your
invention?

No.

You have a responsibility.

What do I care if Bub has fun turning
things white? For me, the fun is in the

inventing.

But it's not just that.

You can't resist me, can you?

Jonathan, listen to me.

And to think that I might never have
known what it was like to swing.

Mr. Bob might do something terrible with
your invention.

Well, he wouldn't do anything wrong.

How do you know that?

Well, he's always been above board with
me.

Kept his word and everything.

Like this.

Like what?

He promised me that you would fall in
love with me and that...

We would get married and... Jonathan!

I don't love you.

Oh, I... Oh, I suppose I... I could love
you.

Maybe. You could?

Except for one thing.

The way you cooperate with Mr. Bob.

You mean it's that serious to you?

Yes, Jonathan, it is.

All right, April.

I won't be the first man that's been
saved by the love of a good woman.

Then you'll call the deal off.

Your word is my command.

You come with me and just watch what I
do with that formula.

Oh, where is it? In my lap.

In your lab.

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Are you all right?

Oh, yes. I twisted my ankle a little
bit.

But it's much better now.

in here someplace.

Here we are.

And you may have the honor of striking
the match.

And then we'll just see what Bob thinks
he can do about it.

Do you have to do that?

It's in the bylaws.

I've come to pick up the merchandise,
Dr. Quantum.

You don't have to be afraid, April.

I can tell from the odor it's just a
flash powder.

Mercurial derivative.

Obviously triggered by an electrical
charge to cover the operation of a

door.

And that makes me very angry that
there'd be a secret door in my own lab

my knowledge.

Never mind, Dr. Quant.

Never mind, he says.

I've got a lot of things in here that
are very dangerous. And it just...

Anyone can come walking through a secret
door.

Will you stop babbling, Dr. Quantum?

Have you the formula ready?

I've changed my mind.

I'm not going to give it to you.

Now, listen to me, you overeducated
squirrel.

Now, I take that personally.

I'm tired of playing around with you,
Dr. Quantum.

I need that formula.

Well?

You'll just have to change your plans.

Change my... Plans?

Do you know that I have manufacturing
facilities standing by to make them by

thousand? Have you any idea what
machinations were necessary to place

all the art museums in the world?

Art museums?

Well, now that's the most stupid thing I
ever heard of.

Don't you realize you'll ruin all the
pictures?

Of course I know I'd ruin the pictures
and serve them all right.

All those who joined in plotting against
my own paintings.

Uh, you paint?

Brilliantly.

In spite of all the critics and gallery
managers who conspired against my

genius.

Well, we'll see what they'll say when
mine is the only art left in the whole

world.

Do you mean to say that you would
deliberately?

Even Whistler's mother?

Oh, boy.

April was sure right about you.

Do you think I'd allow a plan so
monumental in its conception to be

the childish whims of an egg -headed
freak?

Now, just a minute. If you're going to
use that kind of language in front of

April... Give me that formula!

This.

For the formula.

Don't touch that, Mr. Bug.

I suppose with these goings on, I should
be using a silver bullet.

But I'm sure a lead one will be quite as
effective.

For goodness sake, April, where did you
get that?

I have to congratulate you, Miss Dancer.

It never crossed my mind that you were
an uncle agent.

An uncle agent? Jonathan, don't get so
close!

Oh, now that's silly. Whoever heard of a
diamond -studded pistol?

All right, Miss Dancer. Put down the
gun.

And stand over there.

Don't worry, April.

I know a way to counteract the effect of
those bulbs.

That's nice, Jonathan.

That is most interesting.

For obvious, sir, I must now be certain.

that the counter device is never used.

I wonder what would happen if you were
exposed to the rays of F .E .L .V. The

sympathetic electromagnetic light
variator? Are you kidding?

Why, for all I know, we might be...
killed.

Jonathan, be quiet and do what the man
says.

Yes, Jonathan.

For Miss Danza has reason to believe
that she will soon be receiving help.

happily, I do not share that belief.

Open the door.

It was supposed to be my building. That
was the agreement.

Never mind, Jonathan.

What do I find?

Secret entrances I'm not told about?

People suddenly turning up behind every
door?

That guy doesn't look like he's got much
of a built. Yeah, like you said.

Full security search.

Where did they come from?

Oh, so help me up.

Bring him to me as soon as you find him.

Sounds simple, huh?

You irritate me, young lady.

I won't wait for the capture of your
accomplice. He will join you later.

Come on, in here.

I'm sure you'll both be most
comfortable.

Hey, this is the Arctic Research Room.

I understand the air conditioning system
is superb.

Come on, in.

Never mind the door, Jonathan. I'm sure
you won't get it open.

Everybody tells me to never mind, but I
do mind.

Did you hear what he said about air
conditioning?

Do you know what will happen if he turns
the controls on in this room?

We could have an arctic blizzard in ten
seconds.

Don't worry about it. I'm sure Mark will
be along any minute.

Your confidence is touching.

Oh, marvelous.

Seemed like a good place to hide.

All right, you will, Mr. Slade.

The perfect place to hide.

Hey, but those controls are dangerous.

Enjoy the weather, my friends.

And now I will put together the puzzle
of the formula.

Hey, let's see if we can do something
about the door.

Right, Professor?

Well, if I were building it, I would use
a tremiculate formula that I developed

myself. It's main attack. You can't
throw it. I think so. You got your

Right. You can't cut metal with a
cigarette lighter.

The block of spring's gone.

Have you got any matches?

No. You?

No.

Professor? What?

Have you got any matches?

You better keep moving or we'll all
freeze to death.

Come on.

I don't think I can take another step.

It's cold in here, isn't it?

No, Tom, keep moving.

Nothing matches.

No, there's not that much to burn here
anyway.

We need a fire to light the cutting
torch.

I guess we could always rub two sticks
together.

Two sticks?

What are you doing?

Mail!

and very blue.

Amazing.

What's it used for?

Picking things together.

You can't cut metal with a cigarette
lighter.

You'll see.

It's impossible.

Ice cream again.

Somebody's coming. Get him out of here.

What switches control that room? That
top switch and these two here.

All right. No!

That's not right!

from that console.

Send them into the outer space room!

There's something I have to tell you,
April.

And I guess this is the proper time to
do it.

Frankly, seeing you like this, the real
you, has made me realize that it was

only an infatuation.

I was in love with the role you were
playing.

Jonathan, are you jilting me?

Well, I feel like a cad, but it's much
kinder this way.

It just wouldn't work.

We destroy each other.

Well, that's it then.

You're a very charming girl, but the
hard truth is, in real life, you just

don't have that something that I thought
was there.

Goodbye, April.

Goodbye, Jonathan.

He really is a very nice fellow.

You're a very charming girl.

But the hard truth is that in real life,
you just don't have that certain

something that I thought was there.

Uncle.