Original subtitles

If you haven't got a penny, a halfpenny will

do. If you haven't got a halfpenny,

God...

is coming the goose is getting fat won't you please put

a penny in an old man's hat if you

haven't got a penny a halfpenny will do

Same kettle of fish here. King George on the halfpenny ain't got himself a right

ear.

Repeat. King George is minus a right ear.

And the man who made the halfpenny drop?

No left ear. Just a little hole in his head for hearing purposes.

Right. Stand by.

Open Channel D, Denver.

Channel D is open. Go ahead.

April Dancer here, Section 1.

The halfany drop is being made. Over.

Very well.

Prepare to make your next move.

I'm afraid there'll be a slight delay, sir.

Solo here.

We're in a trap.

She followed me from the airport.

She?

Yes, a large assassination party headed by one Agnes Twixberry, more popularly

known as Mother Muffin.

Do they know Miss Dancer's working with you?

I don't think so.

We arrived separately. I wasn't followed.

How many in the assassination party?

Well, there's Mother Muffin.

And by her side, one Rodney Babcock, her whipping boy.

And a large variety of mother scholars.

In the window across from the hotel.

And on the sidewalk across the street.

And in the entrance in front of the hotel.

On the rooftop.

And right outside our door.

What is your escape plan?

Is that wool?

What? The sweater you're wearing.

Yes.

Take it off.

What?

Mr. Solo.

I'm sorry, sir. If my escape plan is to work, I'm going to need a large spool of

yarn.

Oh. Very well.

It seems odd they haven't made their attack.

Maybe they're having difficulty locating our position.

Which may not be a problem for them if we're still here in ten minutes.

Don.

Look, Mr. Thoreau, I have more pressing matters now.

Notify me for further orders after you've made your escape and picked up

haven.

Good luck.

You know something, April?

What?

We're in trouble.

Christmas is a -coming and the goose is getting fat.

Won't you put a penny in the old man's hat?

If you haven't got a penny...

All right, now be careful not to panic because a ground glass is extremely hard

to digest.

All right?

Still not in his room, Rodney? No, Mother.

Ah, but perhaps Mr. Solo is in his room.

Perhaps he just doesn't want to accept any calls or turn on the light.

You never thought of that, did you, Rodney?

No, Mother.

Never mind, dear, never mind.

Dawn will soon be breaking, and either by the light of day or the light in the

window, all units will open up at once.

and blow Mr.

Solo's lovely head off right at the neckline.

Yes, Mother.

Yes, sir?

What is your position now?

The same, sir.

I put Mr. Solo on this particular mission because he's considered by some

professional.

Obviously, he's bungling the escape.

Well, sir, I... It's not for me to say.

Oh, no matter.

You'd better move out fast.

It won't be quite... It won't be quite that easy, sir.

Let's not be melodramatic, Mr. Solo. Just pay close attention to the next

of your mission.

Yes, sir.

When you pick up the evening from the agent on the street, you'll proceed at

once to the Jolly Roger amusement pier at Brighton.

Yes, sir.

You will then insert the halfpenny in the fortune teller machine in the Penny

Arcade. Is that clear?

That is clear, sir.

Now, the fortune ticket you'll receive from the machine is coded.

It'll tell you the next step of your mission.

Now, for obvious security reasons, I can tell you no more now.

Yes, sir.

Oh, and Mr. Solo. Yes?

Do please be careful.

Well, thank you, sir.

With all the deaths we've had in Section 1 lately, insurance rates have risen

tremendously.

You understand?

Yes, of course I do.

And Rodney, dear.

Yes, Mother. That silly oaf who was playing beggar.

Do you know who he might be?

No, Mother.

Might be one of Uncle's agents, you know, dear.

Now then, after we've eliminated Mr.

Solo, I want you to eliminate him.

Clear, Rodney?

Yes, Mother.

Yes, Mother.

It sounds as though the disturbance might be coming from Mr. Solo's room.

Mother. Mind your belt, right lover, or I'll land you on your butt, love.

But I can't imagine that a fine, handsome gentleman like Mr. Solo would

interested in any common little... Oh, Norm.

Double the guards in the hotel lobby.

Yes, mother.

Now, hear this.

Units four and five were proceeding close order up the street.

Mind your own...

Well, whatever, I just won't edit.

Fancy him.

Got me up to his dicks he did after he spiked me a pint at the pub. Tried to

take advantage of me.

Caw, Yankee, fuck drunk as a law too he was.

Tried to tell me he was a spy.

Fancy him a spy.

With uncle he said he was.

Rodney, love.

Rodney.

Rodney, are you all right?

Oh, yes, mother.

What a pity.

Stupid.

Perfect timing, Napoleon.

The ten seconds it took him to blast your room was just enough for me to

position the dummy and move out.

And the halfpenny?

That's...

From

Channel D, please.

Yes, Miss Downsend.

Situation back to normal, sir. We have the halfpenny.

Very well. Now listen carefully to your next step.

Do you... recognize the name Vito Pomad, Mr. Solo?

Uh, yes. He's czar of the Universal Unholy Alliance called Casabianco.

Ex -czar, Mr.

Solo. Ex -czar.

Mr. Pomad is in our capture.

That's nice.

Maybe. And it may not be.

Mr. Pomad has agreed to inform my uncle of all worldwide Unholy Alliance

controls.

Illegal narcotics trade, gambling syndicates.

white slavery, the whole mishmash.

And not without some special compensation for Mr. Permod, I'm sure.

A very special compensation, Mr. Solo.

I think Mr.

Permod can explain his required compensation better than I.

I'm ready to sing, Mr. Solo.

I can get a whole chorus of ex -Casa Bianco choir boys to sing along.

But not till first my daughter has returned to the United States without

harming a hair on her lovely head.

Daughter?

But I had no idea you were married, Mr. Primard.

Shut up. That's beside the point.

I never let little Lisa know I'm her father.

She's like a little flower, my Lisa.

She goes by the name Lisa Calvert.

I set up some phony foster parents for her. I used to sneak to see her all the

time.

But I... Never let her know I'm her old man.

And she must never know.

Where is she now?

For obvious security reasons, they can't be told at present.

And that's where the hay penny comes in, right?

Yes. When you drop the hay penny in the fortune -telling machine.

What his uncle here knows, I'm giving a fair warning, Mr. Solo.

If anything happens to my little Lisa, I don't say.

I swear I'll bust out and I'll smash your head.

Like two overripe eggplants.

Understand?

Yes, of course.

All right.

Don't stand around now.

Continue your mission.

Yes, sir.

That will work beautifully for Marie Antoinette.

Beautiful.

Maud, hurry up with your wardrobe, child.

I just can't bear slow, torturous deaths, Mr. Soler. At your very time,

Mother. May I ask what you're brewing here?

Embalming fluid, dear. My own recipe.

A mixture of arsenic, lanolin, and just a dash of formaldehyde. Followed, of

course, by a... It's the death spray.

To preserve those beautiful flesh tones.

And just who exactly will we be after we've been prepared for display? Much

good for you, of course.

But you'll be standing alongside Mr.

Solo as Lady Macbeth.

And I?

Prince Hamlet, of course.

Ah, very like, very like.

You horrible old witch, you.

That I did not hear.

I should advise you to watch your manners, my girl, and be grateful for

that you're going to stand alongside such a beautiful specimen.

I didn't know you cared, Mother.

Oh, Mr.

Solo. Napoleon, if I may be so bold.

I followed your career as an uncle agent from the very beginning until... Oh,

dear, until the very end.

I believe she has a schoolgirl crush.

But for the fact that I'm being paid a fortune by Casablanca to eliminate you,

I'd be sorely tempted to keep you for my very own.

Wouldn't you hate to have that choice?

Hold your tongue, Dux, or you won't have it much longer.

Eh, Maudie?

Temper,

temper, temper.

Oh, a language was something shocking until I had to wash her mouth out with

sulfuric acid.

Sulfuric acid?

Oh, I tried soap and water, but it had no effect.

Rodney? Yes, Mother?

Open up the drapes to the garden, dear. I want Mr. Solo to see some of my final

artwork before he becomes Prince Hamlet.

Yes, Mother.

Mother, you are an artist.

Thanks, ever so.

I keep it for my private collection, my trophy room, you might say.

Aren't you a little premature with two of them?

Oh, you mean Peter Pommard and his daughter Lisa?

Good gracious, no.

After you and sweet Napoleon are embalmed all nice and tidy, Rodney and I

go down to Brighton. The Jolly Roger Amusement Park, I believe Mr. Waverley

said.

Drop the halfpenny which we obtained from the heel of Napoleon's shoe into

fortune -telling machine.

Need I say any more?

I had no idea our communication system was on a two -party line.

Why, of course you didn't, you retarded little sparrow, you.

Why, I have graduate students working on their doctorates on advanced

wiretapping, Napoleon.

Bless you, mother.

Tell me, these replicas, Vito and his daughter, April and I,

are they... For the students of mine.

Dropouts, you might say.

Totalia can perform miracles in stretching her head here or her body

The suction pump up the nostril to make the face thinner.

Air pressure in the ear to fatten the head.

Stop it.

You again.

Maud.

Give her 15 cc's of tranquilizer.

Her constant whining is getting on my nerves.

Then I shall have to relax, poor dear Mr.

Solo, so that I can mow them proper.

Catch!

Oh! On her fingers?

I told you before, there's no parking here. Now hop in. Go on, get out of

Hop in.

Officer?

We need help.

Is that right, ma 'am? Yes, it was Special Agents of the UN, the LE, and

very nasty killers trying to catch...

Capture it.

I see.

And why would they want to do a thing like that, lad?

Well, our mother is trying to embalm us and put us in the museum, you see, as

Prince Hamlet and Lady Macbeth.

Well, now, that isn't very nice of your mother, is it?

She's not my mother.

You know, miss, I think his head's gone a bit loose. Be careful.

Besides, he looks like a blooming sissy to me.

Officer! Officer.

Oh, you wouldn't like to run off and leave us like this?

Here now, miss, I'm on duty.

Please.

Get that bicycle out of here! Come on, get it away!

I've told you before, this area is reserved for bastards and jerks. No

bash courts. Now get away from here.

Have, Rodney, quickly!

Come!

Have! Have!

Quick! Follow that horse!

Rodney, dear, you're a good, sweet, obedient boy, but you're incredibly

Attention, Unit 8. Attention, Unit 8.

Still can't seem to make contact with Mr.

Danson, Mr. Thoreau.

Open Channel D, Denver.

Yes, Miss Delta.

We've been delayed again, sir.

Well, where are you now?

Well, sir, it appears we're on the wrong bus.

Wrong bus?

I'm afraid we're on a two -party line, sir.

Miss Dunn, sir, is there something you and Mr. Solo are keeping from me?

Oh, no, it's just impossible to talk right now, sir.

Over and out.

Napoleon. Yes.

I think this is where we get off. I think so.

Open channel H.

Ultra high frequency hot.

Yes, Mr. Zorro.

Where are you?

We're in a pig truck.

Oh.

Mother Muffin confiscated the hay penny and is on her way to Brighton.

Yes, we know, Mr. Solo.

We allowed her to pick up certain information on the open channel.

Ah.

See, they can't tap us now, false circuit.

Knowing she was on your trail, we had to allow certain fakes to keep her off

course. I don't think I quite understand, sir.

It isn't necessary for you to understand, Mr. Solo.

Merely obey orders.

Yes, sir.

Now listen carefully to your next step.

Tomorrow morning at dawn, you'll go to the Jolly Roger amusement park.

But do not go into the Penny Arcade.

Instead, you'll meet a fortune teller, one of our female agents.

She'll give you further information of the whereabouts of Lisa Calvert.

Is that clear?

The other.

Over and out, then.

All right, over and out.

I'll call you. Huh?

Do you mind if I just take a little nap, huh?

No. No, you're my guest.

It's all right.

You're a nice agent, you know that?

So are you, poor girl.

Napoleon, answer the phone.

Come on, I think we better get going.

Good gracious, Rodney, the three little pigs.

Well, you look lovely, Melody.

Mother said I'd never go wrong with pearls and basic black.

Will you be quiet?

Rodney? Yes, Mother.

I suppose you realize there's very little chance that you'll ever graduate

Mother's Academy.

Yes, Mother. But you've been an obedient boy and you've worked hard.

Yes, Mother. And the good Lucifer knows that having to cope with a beautiful

mistress so low is... First assignment was most difficult.

Oh, yes, Mother. So Mother is going to give you one last chance, one simple

assignment.

Naughty.

Now, take this specially designed hint.

Go to the amusement park. Right.

Go to the fortune -telling machine.

Insert it. Wait for the fortune -telling card to come up. Bring the card back to

Mother. Clear, Rodney?

Yes, Mother. Take the coin.

Shove off, dear.

Oh, Rodney!

Yes, Miss?

Do be careful, Rodney.

You are, mate.

Pay no attention, Rodney. She's up to some foolish trick.

In the short time we've known each other, I've grown rather... Well, I'm

you are and perhaps will always be mother's boy.

Still, I wish we'd had the opportunity to... Shut up, you.

Run along, Rodney.

Rodney?

Yes, Mother.

It ain't.

You and Rodney.

Mother and... A double wedding.

Oh. Oh.

If only it could be.

Oh. Stop these foolish daydreams.

Good night.

Sweet prince, and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.

Hold it! Right there, mother!

Agent Susage, you go to Flavin headquarters.

Mr.

Sorrow.

Mr. Waverly said that I should drop by, Mother, and see what was cooking.

Or whom.

Do you know your next move?

Yes, Brighton.

We should be able to make it easily by dawn.

Good. I'll stay here with Mother. We have a wagon coming here a little later

pick up some of these unfortunate artists.

Thank you.

Better bundle up, Mother.

I understand it's very cold in the woman's dungeon.

Splendid work, Iago.

Thank you, Mother. Does everybody know the next assignment?

Yes,

Maude, yes. I realize it's difficult for you to understand, but Mother's hunch

is that Mr. Waverley has already been notified that we've captured the

and has given other instructions for Mr. Solo to pick up the girl.

Correct, Maude, correct.

We allowed Mr.

Sully to escape so that he will lead us to the girl's hideout.

Rodney?

Oh, I'm afraid Rodney's future is questionable.

Gather your rosebuds while you may.

Old time is still a -flying.

And the same flower that lives today?

Tomorrow will be dying.

Too late again, Mr. Thoreau.

Yes, I'm sorry, sir.

Sorry? Sorry?

I suspect you two are up to something very immoral. Why, my little flower

be eliminated from this life.

Please, Mr. Pommard, we're a bit prepped for time.

Time? Oh, please.

It was too dangerous to allow the girl to remain where she was, Miss Dancer.

We've had Lisa Calvert moved.

Well, where is she now?

Well, you and Mr. Zorro will go to the medical round.

You will find her sitting on one of the horses there.

Get her off and then proceed with her to the end of the pier.

My part speedboat will be there to maneuver you to your final destination.

You've been very nice.

For your trouble.

Mother arrived early.

Graham.

Thank you, Mrs. Meaden, for taking care of Lisa.

You may go now.

Thank you.

by Mr.

Soul.

Mother Muffin.

And this same flower that smiled today

tomorrow will be done. Not tomorrow, dear Napoleon.

Now.

Oh, wait!

Rodney.

My dear Rodney. Goodbye.

Sorry,

Mother. A little more than kin and less than kind.

April.

Rodney, I want you to have my sorority pin.

Tiago. Rodney.

Yes, mother?

Napoleon has my walking stick.

Because the Bianca will have her neck.

And I have Miss Dancer's sorority pin.

The boy's a dark, staring man.

But happy, mother.

Very happy.

Peter, will you please sit down and relax?

How do you expect me to relax, Alex? How?

Now, your daughter is here, Mr. Pomar, and quite safe. Yeah, I know. She'll be

very grateful, but I'm very scared.

I don't understand why, Mr. Pomar.

Of course you don't understand.

You've never been a father.

A lousy father. Will you please send in Miss Calvert?

This is all your fault.

You had to shoot off that pretty mouth of yours and tell her I'm her father

I gave you specific specified orders not to tell her.

Miss Dancer didn't tell me, Papa.

I've known for years.

I'm not ashamed, Papa.

Not after what you've done for me.

And Uncle.

As a matter of fact, I'm very proud.

You hear that, Alex? She called me Papa.