Original subtitles

$573 well spent, Jon.

Finally, my life's work...

..complete. Game time!

Woohoo!

BREAKS WIND

SQUEAKING

BREAKS WIND LOUDLY

Dude, if you're going to do that, go outside.

HE BREAKS WIND

Look who's talking, skunk boy.

NOISY FARTING

Yeah, I don't know what's going on.

Chill, chill, better out than in.

NOISY FARTING CONTINUES

GIGGLING

SCREECHING

Oh!

LOUD FARTING

So what's your theory, Xen, where did the Loch Ness go?

With the minimal evidence we have,

which I'd prefer you didn't play with,

it's hard to know, especially since film footage from last

night is corrupted.

Well, the Loch Ness has got to be somewhere.

Bert, we've been watching this live feed of my backyard all morning.

Perhaps it's time to take a break.

But what if the Loch Ness didn't just vanish?

What if it could come back any second?

Come on. Where are you?

Hand it over, Bert.

Wait.

What is that?

Phil, please zoom in.

Yes, Xena.

Some sort of mark.

Unusual.

What is this?

Some sort of Spooky street art?

The mark of the evil Spooky genius?

Evil Spooky genius.

An intriguing theory.

PHONE CAMERA CLICKS

Bert, I need to be alone.

Why, Xen? Leave, Bert!

OK, I know you need some thinking time.

I'll just go update Derek and Billie.

Bye.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Oh, dear!

I hope Xena and Bert are having better luck than us because we have

nothing to go on right now.

If I were a Spooky who loved locks, where would I head?

Bank.

A police station.

An ice cream factory.

Do ice cream factories have lots of locks?

No, but I'd have unlimited ice cream.

Might even share with you.

PHONE PINGS

Aw, Jane looks so nice.

Mm, maybe. It's kind of embarrassing, right?

Marriage and stuff.

You have to, like, hold hands in public and find out every gross

thing about each other.

Oh.

And then you end up dressed like a giant marshmallow.

Love is love, Billie.

Some people just make a good team - like you and me.

MUSIC PLAYS

Let's just go to Bowl-O-Rama.

It might be worth checking the Spooky files from the time.

See if we missed anything.

Oh, yeah, sure.

GURGLING

The web says that if you fart more than 300 times in an hour,

you could have a serious disease.

OK, Dr Internet.

I once knew a guy who held in his farts.

They came out his eyeballs.

Oh! For real. For real.

Used to have two eyes. Now he's got one.

Psst! Jon! Two o'clock.

I'm not falling for that again, John. OK.

I've brought a watch. No, Jon, to your right.

Two o'clock!

Look, it's ball boy and little Miss Sassy.

They're on a date!

A date! I haven't seen anyone look that cosy in Bowl-O-Rama in years.

Ohhhhh! If we can make their date a success, word will spread

that Bowl-O-Rama 5000 is the premier pit stop for romance

in Sunny Valley. And you know what that means?

We get girlfriends! Even better.

We get cold, hard cash.

OK, step one.

Set the mood.

THEY FART

OK, that's a total mood killer.

We've got to keep our distance.

Jon, follow me.

DJ Booth - now.

Phil, when does this mark first appear in the lab?

According to my log, this mark appeared on October 13th at 4:20pm.

It certainly is frustrating, Bert. Keep at it.

You'll get the Spooky detector working.

I was sure that fusing those lithium cores together would give us

the power we needed.

It's the best design yet, Xen.

There's got to be a way to make it work.

We need more power.

I'll call you back, Bert.

WHOOSHING

WHIRRING

BEEPING

POWER SHUTS DOWN

The road to scientific victory is paved with defeat and also short

breaks for sustenance.

Oops. Science can be messy.

Phil, show me what happened when I left the room.

Footage timestamped at 4:18pm is ready to.

LOUD WHOOSHING

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Phil, I didn't help us find the Spookies.

I brought the Spookies here in the first place.

Phil, I'm the evil spooky genius.

Your power of deduction is inspiring.

Also, yes, yes, you are.

Hello. I think I made a terrible mistake.

I would be very grateful for your expertise.

Hmph, door closed. Farts sealed.

Now.

Lights.

What?

Ah, music. Famously, the food of love.

Yummy. OK. I think...

Hmmm...

This is the one.

MELLOW SAXOPHONE PLAYS

Fellas and Fellettes, Romeos and Juliets, mates and dates.

Are you in the mood for some sweet romance?

Well, I've got the thang to get you in the groove.

What are they saying?

No idea.

Mm-hm.

Oh, baby!

Hey, bro.

Oh, baby! Ohhhh!

Hey, Billie, Derek!

FARTING

Oh!

Dudes!

It reeks in here. Mm-hm.

SQUEAKY FART

Oh-ho! Look out, farty crits.

Sorry, dude. No farts in the alley till the date's over.

What date?

That date.

MELLOW MUSIC CONTINUES

EXPLOSION

Billie? Derek?

Dating?

Urgh.

Eurgh. It can't be true.

Oh, it can. And it is.

Hit it, John.

NOISY FARTS DROWNS MUSIC

GURGLING

THEY SING DISJOINTEDLY

Jon, Jon, Jon. What?

There should be slow dancing. Why aren't they slow dancing?

I don't know.

Aw, dang it, Jon.

You didn't turn on the PA.

MUSIC BLASTS OUT

THEY YELL ALONG

I don't get it. Are they trying out a new vibe in here or something?

Yeah, it's kind of romantic.

SQUEAKY FART

Bert?

Billie, Derek, keeping it profesh, I see.

Nice.

HE FARTS

Oh, gross.

Bert, I told you to slow on the baked beans.

Oh.

GURGLING

Are you OK?

I don't... LOUD GURGLING

What's happening?

I think it's a fart growing.

I would never. I don't...

LONG LOUD FART

SHE GASPS

I thought you were vegan.

Why is that so loud?

This is a nightmare. Billie, wait.

Wha... Why is she leaving?

DEREK FARTS

Excuse me.

It's time we went DEFCON love.

And I know just the place. The pie shop?

No, Jon. The party supply shop. Ah, the party shop.

Let's go!

Not again. I've got to find Billie.

Excuse me.

MORE FARTING

Contagious cheese collars.

My Spooky sense is popping off right now.

SHOUTING AND FARTING

Billie.

Billie, where are you?

SQUEAKY FART

Can you go away?

I just want to be alone right now, OK?

But it's not your fault.

Bert just said we've caught Spooky farts. They're contagious.

Bert caught his from the Johns, and we caught them from him.

So your farts aren't even your farts.

They're his.

That makes it so much worse.

FARTING Excuse me.

See, I've got the bum burps too.

ROMANTIC MUSIC

LOUD GURGLING

SQUEAKING

I can't do this.

Just leave me alone. Wait, Billie. LAUGHTER

Look. See, the Spookies have caught the farts from us.

FARTS AND LAUGHTER

If the Spookies can catch farts, then no-one is safe.

The only way to stop the farting is to find the Spooky.

We can't do it without you.

Please!

LAUGHTER AND FARTING CONTINUES

Fine. Step one. Get Xena and the Spooky detector here.

Step two, find some pegs.

Sorry to have interrupted your weekly hot yoga session.

I came as soon as I could.

Now, spill the tea.

I prefer tea contained in its vessel.

No, I meant like, tell me what's going on.

I think I've made a terrible mistake.

One that might really upset my best friends in the entire world.

However, what that mistake is, I cannot tell.

Well, honestly, girl.

In my experience, you make one mistake, you'll get cancelled.

Cancelled?

Listen, until last year,

I went to Miss Windermere's famous jazz ballet school.

Me and my girls were known as the Windy Babes when it came

to jazz ballet, we slayed - hard.

Plus, we were total besties.

Then they asked me to buy a birthday present for Mandy, one

of our windiest babes.

And, you know, all she wanted was a pair of tiny sunglasses.

But everyone knows that tiny sunglasses make your face look big.

I could not do that to Mandy.

So instead, I bought her a copy of Loving Yourself -

Five Steps to Total Inner Confidence.

Mandy was deeply offended.

I guess she already loved herself.

She blamed the Windy Babes. And they blamed me.

They wouldn't even dance with me any more.

I was forced to quit.

I just wanted Mandy to reach her full potential.

You make one mistake and the people you thought were your friends,

low key turn on you.

Which is why you have to be super careful about who you tell.

Like I would never judge you, Xena.

I... PHONE PINGS

Robina, I would like to thank you.

Making new friends is usually difficult for me, but I am deeply

glad to have made this connection with you.

However, right now, my best friends really need me.

And I must go.

You also need to leave.

Tell me everything, Bert. I'm on my way.

In the Hall of the Mountain King played on trombone

MUSIC SPEEDS UP

Unusually stinky winds causing havoc across Sunny Valley today with gusts

of over 80 kilometres an hour reported in some areas.

Police advise caution around open plains...

DRAMATIC FLOURISH TO MUSIC

GURGLING

SHE GROANS

Xena, are you OK?

The wind out there is quite extreme.

I think we may be in the midst of yet another El Nino.

FARTING

Tell me more about this Nino character.

It's a change of weather patterns, Bert. Whoa!

If he can do that, he can do anything.

Maybe he's the evil genius!

Guys, we need to figure out where the Spooky is.

Where's the detector?

I didn't bring it.

EVERYONE GROANS Oh, Xena!

They are in town, they're spreading the virus.

Maybe that explains the strange wind patterns.

It's not El Nino.

It's the biggest fart storm the town has ever seen.

Look, it's all swirling towards...

The farts are coming from INSIDE the house of bowling.

But where inside the house?

Let's go!

The storm's getting stronger.

It's coming through my peg.

Indeed.

LONG LOUD FART

Eugh. Yeah.

My punishment begins.

FARTING

DEREK COUGHS

SQUEAKY FART

Sorry.

Do you want to go in front? Definitely not.

WIND WHOOSHES

Bert, where are we? In the roof.

It stinks up here. But where's the Spooky?

I don't see anything.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

There! There!

Oh!

What is that?

It's sucking in the farts.

It's feeding on them.

LOUD WHOOSHING

SQUEAKING

What's it doing?

It's... It's...

BOOMING

Run!

What are we going to do?

We need to cut off its blood supply.

The vents, grab anything you can and block them off.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

GROWLING

LOUD GURGLING

AIR ESCAPING

Wind has stopped. Let's tackle the Spooky.

LOUD GURGLING

Billie?

You can let it out, you know.

It's good. It's fine. Just...

You go on.

Listen, you've already bum burped a bunch of times today.

It doesn't make me think any less of you.

SQUEAKY FART Wait.

You don't think any less of me, right?

It would take way more than a fart to make me think

any less of you, Derek.

Go on, then. We agree.

Better out than in.

SHE FARTS

See, better. Let's go.

Who's ready to get kissy-kissy up in here?

Woot-twoo! They're gone.

Ah! Let's build, let's build. OK. Build, build, build. OK.

I think I've stopped farting.

Me too.

But where is it?

It's gone. We've lost it!

Is that it?

Wait till it makes its next move.

SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC

Nice one, Billie.

DANCE MUSIC

What is that?

That's the tunnel of love, my party-pooping friend.

Is this supposed to be romantic?

Supposed to be?

It is the ultimate fart-free date for you two lovebirds.

Date? No, we're not on a date.

You're not? Wait. What?

Of course not. Right?

Oh, no way. Definitely not.

Yes! I knew it couldn't be true.

Well, we'll just try it out ourselves, then. Yeah.

John, will you take this ride?

I will.

All right. Saddle up, kids.

I'm going to need you to part the seas.

Just do the... Hurry up. You're on, you're on curtains.

Do the curtains, just open them. Yeah?

All right, here we go. Three, two, one.

And away!

CHEERING AND LAUGHTER

Hey, what if we were on a date?

Would that be super weird?

Listen, Derek, I really, really like...

MUSIC STOPS

Nobody panic! I'm OK. Jon is not OK, but I'm OK.

..Spooky hunting with you.

But I don't want to mess things up, make it weird and gross and stuff.

Is it OK if we just keep things the way they are right now?

You two, check this out.

What is that? We found it at Xena's house.

I think it's a symbol of the evil, Spooky genius who's behind all this.

What is this theory?

Sounds kind of scary.

It is, but we'll show them the real meaning of scary.

Like, we'll make him eat a worm or make him clean our undies,

or spin him around till he spews.

Either way, it's going to be very bad for them.

Right, Xen?