Original subtitles

Moderator: Welcome back to King Con!

We've got a ton of heavy hitters here.

Odysseus, King of Ithaca-- [Crowd cheers]

Moderator: Theseus, all the way from Athens--

[Crowd cheers] Moderator: Volkar from Koth--

[Crowd cheers] Moderator: Oedipus from Thebes,

that's a fun story... and a newcomer to King Con,

Tyrannis of Krapopolis. Scott: Yeah!

Moderator: So let's talk king stuff.

Why don't we start with an easy one?

What's your origin story?

How did you get your mandate to be the king?

Tyrannis: Mandate. Moderator: That's what

the people wanna hear! Odysseus?

Odysseus: Well, I can tell you how I reclaimed my throne.

That all started when I won a little thing

called the Trojan War.

[Crowd cheers] Odysseus: Also

had a trip called the Odyssey.

Maybe you've heard of it. [Crowd cheers]

Moderator: So not only did you become king but they named

the whole idea of road trips after you.

Odysseus: And when I got home, my wife had

108 suitors, and I just

murdered the hell out of 'em. [Crowd cheers]

Volkar: I was born in a volcano!

Moderator: Well, let's talk about that, Volkar.

Volkar: I was born in a volcano.

Moderator: Yes, I see your point. Theseus?

Theseus: I guess what really sealed it

was when I... killed the minotaur.

[Crowd cheers]

Moderator: Now that's a mandate!

Volkar: Born in a volcano!

Moderator: Also a terrific mandate.

Now, Oedipus, I know you've got

an interesting origin story. Oedipus: We talked about this.

Moderator: Just tell people. Your story is great.

Oedipus: We agreed this topic was off limits.

Moderator: OK. Tyrannis? How'd you get that crown?

Tyrannis: Yeah, I think the people

really want to hear Oedipus' story.

Oedipus: I don't want to tell it.

Tyrannis: Oh, come on. It's King Con.

We've all got origin stories.

Oedipus: I killed my dad and slept with my mom, OK?

Everyone laugh, ha ha ha! [Crowd gasps]

Oedipus: I didn't know!

Moderator: I can't even imagine

what you've been through.

Oedipus: I was so ashamed

I stabbed my own eyes out.

That's why I don't have eyes.

[Crowd cheers]

Tyrannis: Wait, you guys are cheering for that?

Man: Of course we are! His reaction to the tragedy

proves he's worthy of his crown!

Tyrannis: OK, then, I'll tell you how I became king.

I gathered the people and told them I was starting a city.

A new kind of city, where the people have a say.

And that I would be their king. King of the people!

Odysseus: So...you got yourself a crown

and declared yourself king.

Theseus: How is that even legal?

Tyrannis: That guy slept with his mom!

Man: Bravely! Man 2: I think it was brave.

Oedipus: Ha! Now I don't feel so bad.

Oh, yes, I do, I still feel bad.

Mommy!

♪

Men: ♪ Uh! ♪

♪

♪ Uh! Uh! ♪

♪ Uh, uh, uh, whoo! ♪

Tyrannis: I swear, every single one of them

had a better origin story than me.

They all fought monsters or won wars

or were born inside of volcanoes.

Hippocampus: Oh, I've met that guy.

Shlub: What an absolute stud.

Tyrannis: Meanwhile, what do I have?

Stupendous: Family? Tyrannis: Not now, Stupe.

I just think people don't take me seriously enough

because they don't realize I rightfully deserve this.

Shlub: They show up for your speeches.

Tyrannis: They show up for the snacks.

Shlub: Guilty as charged.

Tyrannis: I mean, I have the crown, the palace,

the absolutely huge olive, but I've been

missing the most important thing of all.

Stupendous: Family. Tyrannis: No.

Stupendous: Just trying to get ahead of it.

Tyrannis: What I'm missing is a mandate!

Shlub: Yeah, good luck topping that volcano.

Wait, what if you did top a volcano?

Probably too risky. Love to see someone try, though.

Deliria: Tyrannis, would you like me to set up

a little show of strength for you?

Put a sword in a stone that you can easily pull out?

Tyrannis: No stunts. That's old school kinging.

I'm a different kind of hero.

My mandate must come from the people!

Instead of me just being their king,

what if they chose me for the job?

Shlub: The people choosing their ruler?

Tyrannis: My position would be cemented

by their desire for me to do it!

That would be the greatest mandate of all!

Shlub: Consensual kinging!

Tyrannis: The will of the people is my volcano,

and I will be born in the fiery bosom

of the citizens' consent!

Stupendous: Like I cut people open

and you pop out of their chest?

Tyrannis: No! It will be a simple process of voting.

We'll call it a Selection. No, a Tylection.

Tell the citizens to gather

tomorrow morning for an announcement!

Tell them there'll be baklava.

Athena: Yoohoo, hi, Deliria. Like my new ride?

Apollo took apart some eagles and made them into this for me.

Deliria: How lovely for you, Athena.

Athena: Oh, hi, Slug. Didn't see you there.

Shlub: It's Shlub, and as odious as you are,

I refuse to let you ruin our warmup sex.

Deliria: I know what she's doing. It's the night of

the Thousand Year God Ball and she's coming to gloat.

Athena: It's the social event of the millennium.

You've never seen a party like this.

Why aren't you dressed for it?

Oh, that's right, you don't get invited anymore

since you're not an Olympian anymore.

Such a shame, what I and all the other gods

did to you by kicking you out.

Deliria: Are you finished?

Athena: Not as finished as you are.

Deliria: Clearly you're still obsessed with me

or you wouldn't be here.

Athena: Wrong. You're obsessed with me.

Deliria: You wish. Athena: You wish I wish.

Deliria: I couldn't wish any less.

Shlub: Athena, you've angered my wife,

which only makes her hotter.

Leave now or be forever scarred

by the sight of my back sex organs.

Athena: I'm leaving, I'm leaving!

Anyway, Deliria, since I know you're sad

that you can't come, I'll stop by tomorrow

and tell you all the fun stuff you missed.

Deliria: Don't want to hear it.

Athena: You will anyways. Ta-ta!

Shlub: Do you need a minute to cool down?

Please say no.

Tyrannis: Citizens of Krapopolis.

Joshua: I-I have a question,

specifically about the food?

Tyrannis: We're not at question time yet.

We're at the announcement part.

Kayleigh: Right, but there's enough baklava

for all of us, right?

You didn't skimp? Cuz you've done that.

Tyrannis: There will be plenty of baklava for everyone.

I, your king, have bravely and magnanimously decided

to give you the chance to choose me as your king.

Joshua: I'm confused. Miriam: You're the king

and now we have to choose you to be the king?

Tyrannis: You don't have to choose me.

You can choose to choose me.

Joshua: Just tell us what to do, man.

Tyrannis: The whole point is I don't tell you what to do.

That's what democracy is all about:

power is in the hands of the people.

Kayleigh: So we don't have a king?

Tyrannis: No, I'm still the king.

You just get to choose me.

Now, you've each been given

one rock to vote with.

Kayleigh: Is this in place of the baklava,

cuz I don't consider this edible.

Tyrannis: I promise you the baklava is coming.

Miriam: Believe it when I see it.

Tyrannis: But your rock is your vote.

So each of you can place your rock

in this basket, representing me.

And when the votes are cast, I, probably with

the help of my sister, will raise this basket above my head

and declare that the people have chosen.

Miriam: What if I want to vote for someone else?

Tyrannis: Huh? There isn't anyone else.

Joshua: Can there be? Tyrannis: I mean, you'd

have to get another basket,

which seems like a hassle.

I will be in my palace awaiting the results.

Also, remember who brought the baklava.

Hippocampus: Basket of rocks? That's gonna be your thing?

Tyrannis: Better than marrying your mom!

I mean, the bar for these mandates

is quite low, I just need one.

Shlub: Ah, nothing like a vat of wine to start your day.

What's this? Brutus: The tavern's closed.

Shlub: I didn't even know it had a door!

And why in god's name is there anything

between me and intoxicants?

Brutus: It's Tylection Day.

He ordered all the bars closed

so that everyone votes.

Shlub: Well, I'll tell you one thing.

If I were king, I'd never close the bars.

Scott: King Ty, disaster! Your father is king!

[People chanting "Shlub!"]

Shlub: I'm sorry, son, they got me a basket!

Tyrannis: Unbelievable! You really just said,

"I wouldn't close the bars," and that's all it took?

Shlub: Well, I suppose so.

Scott: King Ty, I mean just Ty,

or how should I address you?

Tyrannis: As King Ty, please!

No, as King Ty, not please!

How dare you even ask me! Off with your head!

Scott: Um, well, before that,

we should probably get that crown off your head.

I mean, I'm just guessing. There's never been

a peaceful transfer of power.

Let me just-- Tyrannis: Stop it!

Get away from me! Stop it!

What are you doing?! Scott: Uh, and I guess there never will be.

Tyrannis: We're not actually honoring

this Tylection, are we? Dad?

You wouldn't seriously take the crown from me?

Shlub: Son, I love you, but the people chose me.

I can't just say no.

Tyrannis: Yes, you can!

Shlub: To the greatest mandate of all?

Tyrannis: That was just something I said!

Stupe? Hippo? Stupendous: I don't know.

Something about Dad being king

kind of makes sense to me. Tyrannis: What?!

Stupendous: Maybe it's the chest hair?

Yeah, it's the chest hair.

Tyrannis: You know he and Mom will be making out

in front of us even more, right?

It's not like it's gonna have

an inhibiting effect on him!

Hippocampus: Eh, I barely notice anymore.

Stupendous: Yeah, I tune it out.

Tyrannis: Mom, you're not letting this happen, right?

Deliria: I don't know, I'm thinking.

There may be certain advantages.

Tyrannis: You know this would make you a queen, right?

That's well beneath being a goddess.

Deliria: Is it? There's never been

a goddess queen before.

Which means I get to decide what it means.

Tyrannis: Dad, you'll hate this. You will hate it!

Shlub: I've known plenty of kings and they've had

plenty of sex, so I doubt I would hate it.

Tyrannis: Not the sex, the kinging.

You have to make decisions and run things.

Scott, what's on the docket for today?

For my father the king?

Scott: Uh, well, there's a property dispute between

Ned the Shepherd and Cora the Farmer.

Shlub: Let's give it to Cora.

Tyrannis: You're not even going to ponder it?

Shlub: Son, I've known plenty of kings

and you're the only one I've ever seen pondering.

Come to think of it, you're the only one who

didn't have sex, either.

You may have been a bad king.

Tyrannis: I cannot believe this!

You will regret this. You will all regret this!

Stupendous: This was basically his whole identity.

Hippocampus: It's a kind of situation where a person

could really lose it.

Stupendous: Seen it before.

Take away the one thing a guy has,

and, uh...

Hippocampus: You want to go check on him?

Stupendous: Yeah, I was just gonna say,

let's just--you know.

[Shlub and Deliria kissing]

Shlub: I apologize for the misunderstanding earlier, Scott,

but when I heard that, as king, I get a Chief of Staff,

I assumed that "staff" was a euphemism for--

Scott: I'm glad we got that cleared up.

Athena: Yoohoo again. What a banger you missed.

Shlub: What a banger she didn't miss.

Athena: What's this I hear about Scrub being king

and you being...queen? Among mortals?

Deliria: Yes, we're the new royal couple here in Krapopolis.

If you ask nicely, you might be invited to the coronation.

Shlub: We're having a coronation?

Deliria: Yes, didn't I tell you?

This is going to be quite an event.

It's the first time a goddess has ever been queen.

It is going to be a huge party.

Athena: A little coronation? A little king and queen party?

How cute. Gonna have some people there?

Some mortals? Gonna have a little chair?

A little king chair and a little queen chair?

Some dignitaries or whatever they're called?

Human dignitaries?

Deliria: Not many dignitaries, although

Zeus said he'd make it. Athena: What?

Deliria: He said he wouldn't miss it for the world.

Athena: Zeus is coming to your coronation?

Deliria: Yup. Athena: What does that mean?

Are kings and queens important?

Are you above me now? This can't be right.

Deliria: Oh, I wouldn't read too much into it.

Just a coronation. With Zeus.

He wasn't at the ball last night, was he?

Athena: No one's seen Zeus in years.

And he's coming here? You're sure?

Deliria: Mhm. Told me himself.

Athena: Well, I...I just...

I'm better than you. Goodbye.

Shlub: Zeus? You didn't talk to him, did you?

Deliria: No, of course not.

Shlub: Last time you saw Zeus,

hadn't he turned himself into some sort of

ouroboros pleasure-loop, locked forever

in a state beyond consciousness?

Deliria: Yes, he's achieved his ultimate form

and is effectively "off the board"--

but they don't know that.

All they know is a goddess queen

is better than a goddess... at least in Zeus' eyes.

[Giggles] Shlub: Ingenious!

You completely flummoxed her.

Deliria: Oh, if she does what I expect her to do,

I've flummoxed all of them.

Apollo: Deliria! Blub! I hear there's a coronation.

I've come to offer my sincere congratulations

to the king and queen.

Or, to demand loyalty

from the new king and queen!

I...I...I'm-I'm flummoxed. I'll be back.

Deliria: Hmm, I think I like being queen.

Hippocampus: Hey, bro.

Still drinking? That's fun.

Tyrannis: Go ahead and mock me. I have nothing.

Stupendous: Is it time for me to say you've got family?

Tyrannis: Sure. Stupendous: OK, you've got

a family who loves you.

And the timing of this next thing I'm gonna say is

horrible, but we do have to take that crown off.

We need it for the coronation. Tyrannis: Coronation?

They're rubbing it in my face? What about family?

Hippocampus: Ty, we're right here and we love you.

And you're gonna love not being king.

You're gonna find that the crown was a burden.

So Stupe's gonna take it off now, OK?

Hippocampus: Shh-sh-sh-sh... Stupendous: You're doing great.

Just a little bit more. Hippocampus: You got this.

Stupendous: Easy...got it.

Tyrannis: I know it's really just what the crown

represents, not the crown itself, but

I feel naked without that thing.

Stupendous: No, whaaat?

You--actually do look kinda weird without it.

Hippocampus: Stupe! Stupendous: He does!

It's not gonna make him feel better to lie about it.

Hippocampus: No, but it just-- we're used to

the way we usually see you!

I mean, it's not like you are the crown.

Tyrannis: Oh, my god, what if I am the crown?

Stupendous: You might not be anything without the crown.

Hippocampus: Stupe! Stupendous: Except

that you're so much more!

You don't look weird!

Hippocampus: Here, we-we can fix this.

Look. See?

I think it looks even better.

Kayleigh: Hello, King Ty, I mean, citizen Ty.

Is that a headband?

Tyrannis: Go ahead and make fun of it.

Kayleigh: No, I like it.

You could be like a...an athlete.

Tyrannis: Or just a guy with a terrible head wound.

Kayleigh: Ha! Oh, that's funny.

Ha! Citizen Ty, you're funny.

Tyrannis: Wait, that wasn't mean or slyly disrespectful.

What's happening? Kayleigh: I dunno.

You just seem less... what's the word?

Joshua: Annoying! Kayleigh: That's it.

Shelly: He does seem less annoying!

Brutus: Are you doing something different?

Are you being more relatable?

Tyrannis: Not that I'm aware of.

I mean, I'm just a disgraced former king?

Joshua: Thaaaat's what it is: former!

Tyrannis: So the "disgraced" part doesn't

tip the scale either way.

[Bar crowd laughs] [Tyrannis laughs]

Hippocampus: See what's happening?

Tyrannis: They like me.

Hippocampus: Of course they do!

Tyrannis: I'm a man of the people again.

Stupendous: Therrrre you go.

Tyrannis: Which means I can get that crown back now!

Stupendous: Wherrree ya headed now, though?

Tyrannis: I was right about the will of the people

but wrong about the way to secure it!

Stupendous: I think you might be picking up

on the wrong lesson here.

Hippocampus: Yeah, come on, Ty, what are you gonna do,

just have another vote?

And another? And another?

Let it go.

Tyrannis: No, these people clearly

aren't ready for democracy.

What they'll respond to

is an old-school mandate.

Stupendous: No, Ty! Tyrannis: I was thinking

about this all wrong.

I mean, Theseus, Oedipus.

They all did huge kingly gestures.

Stupendous: What are you thinking of doing, Ty?

Tyrannis: I don't know yet, but these people like me.

I've got momentum now. And by the time that

coronation is over, I'll have my mandate!

Hippocampus: Wait. Theseus' "huge kingly gesture"

was killing a monster.

Stupendous: And Oedipus' was killing a dad!

Hippocampus and Stupendous: Shlub is both!

Stupendous: Ty, wait!

Deliria: No, no, no,

I wanted it like this.

Do you see?

Now do it again.

Apollo: Deliria! Shrub!

I cannot wait for this coronation.

Deliria: Apollo, always lovely to see you,

but I'm afraid the guest list is full.

Apollo: Full? You can't do this to me!

Please don't do this to me!

Aphrodite: I don't even know if coronations are

above us or beneath us,

but I demand to be included.

Apollo: Yeah! I tried anger already!

Hermes: Yoohoo, hi, bestie.

I know you plucked my eye out but I found it hilarious!

Athena: Hi, slut! Aphrodite: Crap.

She's going for sex-positive nicknames.

Hi, slut. I think you're a slut, too.

Athena: Did you say Zeus was gonna be around?

I'd love to say hi. Haven't seen him in a bit.

Deliria: Oh, no, just missed him.

I say this as a friend. He actually asked

if you were coming, and then he said,

"I just can't deal with her right now."

Athena: No! Apollo: Do you see

what you did, Athena?

You scared Daddy away!

Shlub: Perfectly played. Shall we get into position?

Deliria: What position did you have in mind?

Oh, you mean for the coronation.

Shlub: Yes. Deliria: It's just that

you often do double entendres.

Shlub: What are those? They sound sexy.

Stupendous: I looked everywhere. No Ty!

Hippocampus: I got nothing. Wait! There!

Stupendous: Ty!

Kayleigh: What the hell?

Stupendous: Sorry, Kayleigh, you look like Ty.

Kayleigh: Oh, thank you! It's a cool look.

He made it cool, didn't he?

Joshua: We talking headbands?

Hippocampus: Dammit, this is gonna be impossible.

[Fanfare playing]

[Crowd cheers]

Priest: Citizens of Krapopolis!

King Shlub and Queen Deliria-- Deliria: Goddess Queen.

Priest: Yes, Goddess Queen Deliria,

have written their own coronation vows.

Shlub: Good people of Krapopolis.

You have chosen me as your king.

Deliria: And me as your goddess queen.

Athena: Do you think that gives her new powers?

Shlub: Good citizens, we promise not to

work too hard, because mental health is very important.

We promise to stay true to ourselves,

which is mostly drunk and horned up.

And we promise very little else, other than food,

orgasms, and all the infrastructure

and things like that. [Crowd cheers]

Stupendous: Ty's still out there somewhere.

Hippocampus: He's not really gonna kill Dad.

Stupendous: Oh, I know he's not. Cuz if it comes to it,

I'll kill him first.

Priest: And now, the ceremonial items.

The royal robe. The golden scepter.

The other golden scepter.

Hippocampus: He gets two scepters?

Stupendous: One's just ceremonial.

Hippocampus: What's the other one for?

Stupendous: I guess they're both ceremonial.

Priest: And now the crown! Tyrannis: Halt!

That crown is rightfully mine!

Stupendous: Nooooooooo!

Tyrannis: Let the record show that the audacious Tyrannis

valiantly swooped in and stole the crown from his own father.

Joshua: Wait, you weren't trying to kill him just then?

Tyrannis: No, I was stealing the crown.

From my own father! And by doing this

huge noteworthy stunt, I have my mandate!

Kayleigh: Do you, though? Tyrannis: Yes!

I'm your rightful king!

Kayleigh: You would be if you had killed him.

[Stupendous grunting "No"]

Joshua: Yeah, slit his throat!

That's one way you could do it.

[Stupendous grunting "No"]

Joshua: All right! You go, girl!

Tyrannis: How about the fact that I started this city?!

The fact that I came up with the whole idea.

I shouldn't have even needed to string a zipline

and make Scott practice it with me for most of the night.

You should have voted for me because I gave you everything!

Kayleigh: Yeah, but he kept the bars open.

Tyrannis: Too bad. I'm your king!

Joshua: Nah, we don't acknowledge that.

Tyrannis: You will! Scott!

Scott: I guess I...probably... need to go with him?

Tyrannis: "We don't acknowledge that."

What the hell is wrong with them?

I stole the crown.

Scott: Maybe they're just not

ready for your greatness.

Tyrannis: Thank god you see it.

Thank you for coming with me, Scott.

Scott: Happy to follow you.

Especially because your mom

planned the coronation to end in

a fight to the death between

me and an ostrich.

Tyrannis: Oh, that would have been cool.

But no matter. I've got the crown.

And the legends are going to start building.

These things always take a bit to build.

You know what? I don't have time to wait for that.

We build a fire. A massive fire,

as hot as a volcano. Then I,

wearing some sort of protective suit,

emerge from the fire unscathed.

We'll have to figure that part out.

Scott: That's a rock solid plan!

Tyrannis: Of course it is!

Child #1: I wanna be king!

Child #2: No, I wanna be king!

Child #1: You can't be king.

I'm bigger than you!

Child #2: Anyone can be king

if the people vote for them!

Child #1: Then violence is wrong.

I lay down my sword.

Tyrannis: You there. What's your name?

Child #1: The Future. Tyrannis: I'm sorry, what?

Child #1: My name is The Future, and his name

is The Wisdom of Children.

Tyrannis: Are you kidding me right now?

Child #2: Our parents are in a cult.

Tyrannis: Well, your names are perfect because

you just showed me exactly

what I needed to see.

Scott, forget the fire stunt.

Scott: Yeah, it was a tall order.

Tyrannis: My legacy is guaranteed.

I'm the guy who gave people hope.

And everyone will remember me for that.

You'll all remember me, right? What's my name?

Child #1: I wanna say, Marb? Tyrannis: It's Tyrannis.

And I know what I have to do.

Child #1: Cut it out, Eugenics!

Tyrannis: And with that, I relinquish my throne.

And to my father, the rightful,

popularly selected king, I return the crown.

Shlub: Thanks, but that's not necessary.

Tyrannis: No, Dad, I insist.

Deliria: It's not necessary because I've already had

another, better crown made.

Did you really think I'd let your father have one so dinky?

Tyrannis: I don't know if it's dinky.

Deliria: Do you want to do the honors?

Tyrannis: Uhh. Whoa, that's heavy.

Deliria: Yes, it's pure gold.

[Crowd cheers]

Tyrannis: Mine had a little gold in it, too, I think.

Before it scraped off.

Stupendous: You need a calming belly rub, bro?

Tyrannis: Yes, please, if you wouldn't mind.

[Crowd cheers]

Apollo: Some of us don't even think Zeus was here.

Deliria: Oh?

Apollo: But the rest of us

are on the fence?

Athena: Just know this, Deliria. We're watching you.

Deliria: Good. Glad to have your full attention.

Hippocampus: You know what, bro? For what it's worth,

you did finally create something

for this city that actually worked.

As an inventor, I'm impressed.

Tyrannis: Thanks. I may not know

who I am if I'm not king,

but it means a great deal

to have my family by my side.

Stupendous: Yeah. Sorry we almost killed you

because we thought you were gonna kill Dad.

Tyrannis: You--what was it now?

Hippocampus: I'll stop it before it hurts you.

Just doing some tests on fear.

Are you scared?

Stupendous: Torturing squirrels again, bro?

Hippocampus: It's not torture if you have a control group!

[Whispers] You're next.

Stupendous: You know, I feel like

I get you a lot better now.

Hippocampus: Oh, yeah? How's that?

Stupendous: 'Cause I've been spending

a lot of time with this little guy.

Hippocampus: Hippo 2?! Stupendous: Yeah. He's really

helped me understand your whole thing.

Hippocampus: Oh, has he? Stupendous: Yeah.

You two are so much alike.

[Hippo 2 coughing]

Hippocampus: Uh-huh. I thought I destroyed that thing.

Stupendous: They're really tough to kill.

Hippocampus: Wait a minute. They?

Stupendous: Yeah, they've been

making more of each other.

Hippocampus: They've been doing what?!

[Squirrel squeaking]

Hippocampus: Oops. [Squirrel squeaking]

Hippocampus: Ugh. One to 10. How scared do you feel?

[Hippo 2 grunting]

[Stupendous chuckles]

Two fishpeas in a bowlpod.

Dan Harmon: Did you get any of that?

Voice: Bento.