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1
00:00:09,243 --> 00:00:10,211
- hot in cleveland
Is recorded
2
00:00:10,244 --> 00:00:12,380
In front
Of a live studio audience
3
00:00:12,413 --> 00:00:13,981
- all right, people.
4
00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:15,449
The academy awards
Are three weeks away,
5
00:00:15,483 --> 00:00:17,385
And we need to mobilize.
6
00:00:17,418 --> 00:00:19,453
- now first,
I need a killer speech--
7
00:00:19,487 --> 00:00:21,822
One that will make my fellow
Nominees hate me even more,
8
00:00:21,855 --> 00:00:24,024
Because I come off
So gracious.
9
00:00:24,058 --> 00:00:26,960
Now, luckily,
We have a writer in our midst.
10
00:00:26,994 --> 00:00:29,397
- oh, I wouldn't call myself
A writer.
11
00:00:29,430 --> 00:00:31,899
- neither would I.
12
00:00:31,932 --> 00:00:33,767
That's why I want elka
To do it.
13
00:00:33,801 --> 00:00:36,137
She has more sizzle now that
That play she wrote
14
00:00:36,170 --> 00:00:38,306
Is going to broadway.
15
00:00:38,339 --> 00:00:40,374
- the broadway theatre
In cleveland, not new york.
16
00:00:40,408 --> 00:00:44,612
- and where is your play
Being performed?
17
00:00:44,645 --> 00:00:49,483
Oh, that's right,
You don't have a play.
18
00:00:49,517 --> 00:00:52,286
- next, joy and melanie,
I need to decide
19
00:00:52,320 --> 00:00:55,123
Who will be my plus-one
For the academy awards.
20
00:00:55,156 --> 00:00:58,426
- oh, I hadn't even thought
About who you would take.
21
00:00:58,459 --> 00:00:59,860
- neither had I.
22
00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:01,662
- but of course you are gonna
Need someone to sit in the limo
23
00:01:01,695 --> 00:01:03,964
And drink champagne with you
On the way to the show.
24
00:01:03,997 --> 00:01:07,034
- and afterwards
The governor's ball,
25
00:01:07,135 --> 00:01:09,803
The vanity fair party,
Et cetera, et cetera.
26
00:01:09,837 --> 00:01:11,839
- and if you do choose a woman
As your plus-one,
27
00:01:11,872 --> 00:01:13,006
She's gonna need a gown.
28
00:01:13,040 --> 00:01:14,842
- yes, a gown!
29
00:01:14,875 --> 00:01:16,477
She'll need a gown.
30
00:01:16,510 --> 00:01:18,912
- well, I would like to take
Both of you--
31
00:01:18,946 --> 00:01:20,814
- oh, my god,
We're going to the oscars!
32
00:01:20,848 --> 00:01:22,049
- I know,
I'm so excited!
33
00:01:22,150 --> 00:01:24,885
- but I can't.
I can only take one of you.
34
00:01:28,222 --> 00:01:31,359
- oh, well, you know, whomever
You choose, I'll be happy.
35
00:01:31,392 --> 00:01:33,026
- I feel the same way.
36
00:01:33,060 --> 00:01:35,296
- and of course, if there's
Anything that I can do for you
37
00:01:35,329 --> 00:01:39,032
In the meantime,
You just ask me.
38
00:01:39,066 --> 00:01:41,669
- and of course, I will do
Anything you need as well too.
39
00:01:41,702 --> 00:01:43,537
- and if you do happen
To choose joy, you know,
40
00:01:43,571 --> 00:01:45,873
I'm gonna just be
So happy for her.
41
00:01:45,906 --> 00:01:50,878
- and I'll be so happy
For melanie if you choose her.
42
00:01:50,911 --> 00:01:52,280
- why are you smiling?
43
00:01:52,313 --> 00:01:55,516
- this is gonna be fun.
44
00:01:58,051 --> 00:02:00,588
[upbeat music]
45
00:02:00,621 --> 00:02:02,790
- * ba-ba, ba-ba
46
00:02:02,823 --> 00:02:06,093
* ba-ba, ba-ba
47
00:02:06,194 --> 00:02:07,295
* hey!
48
00:02:07,328 --> 00:02:09,597
- so I've had some thoughts
About my speech.
49
00:02:09,630 --> 00:02:11,332
I'd like to open with a joke.
50
00:02:11,365 --> 00:02:13,467
- no.
51
00:02:13,501 --> 00:02:15,269
- what do you mean "No"?
52
00:02:15,303 --> 00:02:17,205
You're funny.
You can write a joke.
53
00:02:17,205 --> 00:02:19,973
- I'm funny. Yes.
54
00:02:20,007 --> 00:02:22,710
- wait, are you saying
That I'm not funny?
55
00:02:22,743 --> 00:02:25,112
- it's been said.
56
00:02:25,213 --> 00:02:28,115
- hi.
57
00:02:28,216 --> 00:02:29,650
For you.
- a gift?
58
00:02:29,683 --> 00:02:32,119
- mm-hmm.
- oh, thank you.
59
00:02:32,220 --> 00:02:34,522
Van cleef--wait, wait.
60
00:02:34,555 --> 00:02:36,724
You drove all the way
To chicago for this?
61
00:02:36,757 --> 00:02:39,427
- oh, it's not that far
For a best friend.
62
00:02:39,460 --> 00:02:41,729
- [gasps]
Oh, my god.
63
00:02:41,762 --> 00:02:44,498
Joy,
Look at this gorgeous necklace
64
00:02:44,532 --> 00:02:47,067
Melanie just gave me.
65
00:02:47,100 --> 00:02:48,369
- oh, it's nothing, really.
66
00:02:48,402 --> 00:02:50,037
I mean, yes, I had drive
All the way to chicago for it,
67
00:02:50,070 --> 00:02:51,339
But it's no big deal.
68
00:02:51,372 --> 00:02:53,841
- chicago, gosh.
69
00:02:53,874 --> 00:02:57,378
- I bought victoria this,
But I only drove to new york.
70
00:02:57,411 --> 00:02:59,347
- new york is further away.
71
00:02:59,380 --> 00:03:00,648
- is it?
72
00:03:00,681 --> 00:03:01,915
Time flies when you're buying
73
00:03:01,949 --> 00:03:03,451
Breakfast caviar
For your best friend.
74
00:03:03,484 --> 00:03:06,487
- [gasps]
Caviar is my favorite.
75
00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:10,157
- your favorite
From your favorite.
76
00:03:10,258 --> 00:03:12,059
- you did a very nice thing.
77
00:03:12,092 --> 00:03:14,662
- now, we both did
Nice things.
78
00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:16,330
It's not a competition.
79
00:03:16,364 --> 00:03:19,166
- no, no, it's not.
80
00:03:19,267 --> 00:03:21,702
It's just two equally good
Best friends
81
00:03:21,735 --> 00:03:23,571
Doing nice things for victoria.
82
00:03:23,604 --> 00:03:25,373
- oh, no.
- what? What is it?
83
00:03:25,406 --> 00:03:28,942
- you know that victoria chase
Stretch of highway I sponsored?
84
00:03:28,976 --> 00:03:31,479
Well, apparently you're supposed
To pay to clean it,
85
00:03:31,512 --> 00:03:33,481
Not just adopt it and leave it
To its own devices,
86
00:03:33,514 --> 00:03:36,917
As you would a child.
87
00:03:36,950 --> 00:03:39,987
- you know, you would make a
Great adoptive mother, victoria.
88
00:03:40,020 --> 00:03:44,024
- yes, your heart is as big
As your dress size is small.
89
00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:46,327
- damn it!
That was a good one.
90
00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:49,196
- oh, I've got 50 hours
Community service.
91
00:03:49,297 --> 00:03:51,632
- I'll do it for you, victoria.
- are you sure?
92
00:03:51,665 --> 00:03:53,200
Oh, joy, you're amazing.
93
00:03:53,301 --> 00:03:54,568
What? What?
94
00:03:54,602 --> 00:03:55,703
And I got 50 more hours
95
00:03:55,736 --> 00:03:57,505
For not responding
To the first violation.
96
00:03:57,538 --> 00:03:59,139
- I'll do it for you.
97
00:03:59,172 --> 00:04:02,443
- I can't believe you would both
Do this for me.
98
00:04:02,476 --> 00:04:04,211
I have the best friends.
99
00:04:04,312 --> 00:04:06,314
- mm.
- we're happy to help.
100
00:04:06,314 --> 00:04:09,417
I mean, how many times is
Someone nominated for an oscar?
101
00:04:09,450 --> 00:04:13,887
- many times, probably, if
That someone is victoria chase.
102
00:04:13,921 --> 00:04:16,424
- [laughs]
103
00:04:16,457 --> 00:04:17,791
- wait, I can top that.
104
00:04:17,825 --> 00:04:20,193
Um...Um--
105
00:04:20,227 --> 00:04:23,631
- hit the showers, joy.
That round went to melanie.
106
00:04:26,334 --> 00:04:27,935
- [groans]
107
00:04:27,968 --> 00:04:30,137
I just got off the phone with
The community service people.
108
00:04:30,170 --> 00:04:32,340
I have to spend 50 hours
109
00:04:32,340 --> 00:04:34,575
Cleaning port-a-potties
In the park.
110
00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:38,979
And this week
Is cleveland's chili fest.
111
00:04:39,012 --> 00:04:41,749
- you should trade jobs
With joy.
112
00:04:41,782 --> 00:04:43,250
- she won't wanna
Clean toilets.
113
00:04:43,351 --> 00:04:46,987
- sell her on the park.
114
00:04:47,020 --> 00:04:49,957
- I got the worst
Community service ever.
115
00:04:49,990 --> 00:04:53,794
They've got me working
In the hospital morgue.
116
00:04:53,827 --> 00:04:57,998
- why not trade jobs
With melanie?
117
00:04:58,031 --> 00:05:00,734
- I could never convince her
To work in the morgue.
118
00:05:00,768 --> 00:05:05,038
- sell her on the hospital.
119
00:05:05,072 --> 00:05:06,440
- hi, joy.
120
00:05:06,474 --> 00:05:08,241
So did you get
Your community service?
121
00:05:08,275 --> 00:05:09,377
- I did.
122
00:05:09,377 --> 00:05:10,844
I'm working in a hospital.
123
00:05:10,878 --> 00:05:13,547
- really?
Working with patients?
124
00:05:13,581 --> 00:05:16,384
- mostly former patients.
125
00:05:17,385 --> 00:05:18,819
How about you?
126
00:05:18,852 --> 00:05:20,888
- oh, I'm working in the park.
You know, just tidying up.
127
00:05:20,921 --> 00:05:23,391
- oh, lucky you.
128
00:05:23,391 --> 00:05:25,626
I'll be stuck with all
These doctors flirting with me
129
00:05:25,659 --> 00:05:27,495
All day,
And they'll all be so young.
130
00:05:27,528 --> 00:05:28,929
- oh, yeah.
131
00:05:28,962 --> 00:05:30,731
You know, knowing my luck,
I'll probably be invited
132
00:05:30,764 --> 00:05:32,466
To play frisbee
With a bunch of college boys
133
00:05:32,500 --> 00:05:35,503
And totally embarrass myself.
134
00:05:35,536 --> 00:05:39,272
- you know, I wouldn't mind
Being outdoors.
135
00:05:39,306 --> 00:05:40,541
Rather like getting
My hands dirty.
136
00:05:40,574 --> 00:05:42,743
- and I don't mind
A hospital.
137
00:05:42,776 --> 00:05:44,978
Maybe we should switch.
138
00:05:45,012 --> 00:05:47,448
- I could see that working.
139
00:05:50,283 --> 00:05:51,452
- hello, melanie.
140
00:05:51,485 --> 00:05:53,887
I hate you!
141
00:05:53,921 --> 00:05:57,057
- I hate you more.
142
00:05:57,090 --> 00:05:59,059
- you're going down,
Moretti.
143
00:05:59,092 --> 00:06:01,529
- ha!
Over my dead body.
144
00:06:01,562 --> 00:06:03,664
[whispering]
No offense.
145
00:06:05,666 --> 00:06:08,135
- I hope joy and melanie are
Having as good a time as we are.
146
00:06:08,168 --> 00:06:09,437
- [laughs]
147
00:06:09,437 --> 00:06:13,507
One's in a toilet,
And one's in a morgue.
148
00:06:13,541 --> 00:06:15,876
More caviar?
- oh, please.
149
00:06:15,909 --> 00:06:18,546
- so how is my speech
Coming along?
150
00:06:18,579 --> 00:06:20,981
- I'm working on it
Right now.
151
00:06:21,014 --> 00:06:23,484
- you're just drinking wine.
152
00:06:23,517 --> 00:06:26,286
- oh, it just looks that way.
153
00:06:26,319 --> 00:06:28,622
I'm actually writing.
154
00:06:28,656 --> 00:06:31,659
Time for a rewrite.
155
00:06:37,765 --> 00:06:39,733
- dr. Rayner, thanks again
For coming to my home
156
00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:41,301
For this procedure.
157
00:06:41,334 --> 00:06:44,071
Since this facial filler
Is so new,
158
00:06:44,104 --> 00:06:45,573
I'm just a little nervous
159
00:06:45,606 --> 00:06:48,476
About injecting myself
This close to the oscars.
160
00:06:48,476 --> 00:06:49,677
- I understand.
161
00:06:49,710 --> 00:06:52,079
So what parts of your face
Are we targeting?
162
00:06:52,112 --> 00:06:55,649
- oh, let me show you
On my guinea pig.
163
00:06:57,217 --> 00:07:00,488
Now, she doesn't have
My naturally high cheekbones,
164
00:07:00,488 --> 00:07:04,492
And I don't have the drooping
Here or the sagging here.
165
00:07:04,492 --> 00:07:06,794
- well, I could plump here,
166
00:07:06,827 --> 00:07:09,630
Add some filler above the
Cheekbones here and maybe here,
167
00:07:09,663 --> 00:07:11,298
And then pull--
- you know what?
168
00:07:11,331 --> 00:07:13,667
Surprise me.
Just go nuts.
169
00:07:13,701 --> 00:07:15,268
- go nuts?
170
00:07:15,302 --> 00:07:18,806
- and do something about
Those lines when she's scared.
171
00:07:24,211 --> 00:07:26,279
- how long do I have
To keep this on?
172
00:07:26,313 --> 00:07:28,215
- you heard what he said,
Until it sets.
173
00:07:28,248 --> 00:07:30,951
You look great already.
174
00:07:30,984 --> 00:07:32,853
- I'll tell you
What I look like.
175
00:07:32,886 --> 00:07:34,522
I look like the one friend
176
00:07:34,555 --> 00:07:35,956
Who would have done this
For you.
177
00:07:35,989 --> 00:07:38,592
I don't know
Who else would.
178
00:07:38,626 --> 00:07:42,730
- victoria, guess what I did
For you.
179
00:07:42,763 --> 00:07:44,431
- how could you?
180
00:07:44,532 --> 00:07:46,534
- how could you?
181
00:07:46,534 --> 00:07:48,201
- now, now, no fighting.
182
00:07:48,235 --> 00:07:51,772
You both just did something
Wonderful and important.
183
00:07:51,805 --> 00:07:54,975
Give each other a hug.
184
00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:06,954
- this is a great draft, but
I have a couple of questions.
185
00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:09,623
Who is this tony
You have me thanking?
186
00:08:09,657 --> 00:08:14,061
- your third child.
- oh.
187
00:08:14,094 --> 00:08:16,263
Good catch.
188
00:08:16,296 --> 00:08:19,800
You know, those injections that
Doctor gave to joy and melanie
189
00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:21,068
Really turned out nicely.
190
00:08:21,101 --> 00:08:24,004
I'm gonna have it done myself.
191
00:08:24,037 --> 00:08:25,906
Hello, this is victoria chase.
192
00:08:25,939 --> 00:08:27,575
- [screams]
Oh, my god!
193
00:08:27,575 --> 00:08:28,809
I look like a freak!
194
00:08:28,842 --> 00:08:31,645
- I'll call you back.
195
00:08:31,679 --> 00:08:34,682
- that bloody cheek injection
Migrated.
196
00:08:34,715 --> 00:08:37,651
It gave me an adam's apple.
197
00:08:39,953 --> 00:08:41,589
I look like a man!
198
00:08:41,589 --> 00:08:46,093
- on the bright side, it goes
With the hands and the chest.
199
00:08:47,995 --> 00:08:50,831
- well, joy,
The doctor warned us
200
00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:52,465
That something like this
Could happen.
201
00:08:52,499 --> 00:08:54,935
- he never said this
Would happen!
202
00:08:54,968 --> 00:08:57,304
- maybe he said that
Only to me.
203
00:08:57,337 --> 00:09:00,340
- I disfigured myself for you,
Victoria.
204
00:09:00,373 --> 00:09:01,742
This had better count
For something.
205
00:09:01,775 --> 00:09:02,776
- oh, absolutely.
206
00:09:02,810 --> 00:09:03,811
No, you definitely
Are way ahead
207
00:09:03,844 --> 00:09:05,012
Of melanie right now.
208
00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:07,280
- wait, wait, why?
I got the same treatment.
209
00:09:07,314 --> 00:09:10,017
- I have an adam's apple!
210
00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:12,886
- and how is that a plus?
211
00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:15,756
What will people think
When on the red carpet
212
00:09:15,789 --> 00:09:19,326
Your date looks like
John stamos in drag?
213
00:09:19,359 --> 00:09:23,130
- that was a compliment, joy.
214
00:09:23,163 --> 00:09:26,900
- melanie, I'm sorry, but joy
Made a real sacrifice for me.
215
00:09:26,934 --> 00:09:29,102
- well, I can do that too.
Just give me a task.
216
00:09:29,136 --> 00:09:30,437
[doorbell rings]
217
00:09:30,470 --> 00:09:33,140
I'll get that for you.
218
00:09:33,173 --> 00:09:34,742
Hi.
219
00:09:34,775 --> 00:09:37,244
It's for you.
220
00:09:37,277 --> 00:09:38,646
[door closes]
221
00:09:38,646 --> 00:09:40,547
- what is it?
222
00:09:40,648 --> 00:09:44,885
- oh, no.
It's from the ladypants people.
223
00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:50,057
- "Dear international face
Of incontinence...
224
00:09:52,826 --> 00:09:54,995
"Say 'hi' to enclosed
Absorbent gown
225
00:09:55,028 --> 00:09:58,531
That you are legally obligated
To wear to the oscar academies."
226
00:09:58,565 --> 00:10:00,634
This can't be happening.
227
00:10:00,668 --> 00:10:02,803
- I thought your lawyers
Were gonna make that go away,
228
00:10:02,836 --> 00:10:03,937
So you could wear
The dior gown.
229
00:10:03,971 --> 00:10:06,073
- so did I.
230
00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:09,843
"Despite best good efforts
From your legal team,
231
00:10:09,877 --> 00:10:15,749
"Our contract, like our garment,
Is watertight.
232
00:10:15,783 --> 00:10:19,219
"Here is
Your mrs. Ladypants gown,
233
00:10:19,252 --> 00:10:24,925
Now with
Litter crystal technology."
234
00:10:24,958 --> 00:10:26,126
Oh, god.
235
00:10:26,159 --> 00:10:29,162
[loud crinkling]
236
00:10:32,365 --> 00:10:34,434
- it's not so bad.
237
00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:37,637
With your figure, you can make
Anything look beautiful.
238
00:10:37,671 --> 00:10:41,675
- and you look amazing
In white.
239
00:10:41,709 --> 00:10:44,712
- you look like an angel.
240
00:10:44,745 --> 00:10:47,480
Wearing a diaper.
241
00:10:48,849 --> 00:10:50,317
- oh, I'm ruined.
242
00:10:50,350 --> 00:10:53,253
Wait, there's a p.S.
243
00:10:53,286 --> 00:10:56,023
"Do not spoil surprise of gown.
244
00:10:56,056 --> 00:10:59,159
"If it is seen in press
Before oscar academies,
245
00:10:59,192 --> 00:11:02,796
We will not allow you
To wear it."
246
00:11:05,265 --> 00:11:07,567
This is fantastic.
247
00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:11,271
I mean, all I have to do is get
Someone photographed in public
248
00:11:11,304 --> 00:11:13,974
Wearing this monstrosity.
249
00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:16,476
- well, you're smart,
Victoria.
250
00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:18,278
You'll think of someone.
251
00:11:18,311 --> 00:11:20,280
Hi.
Melanie moretti.
252
00:11:20,313 --> 00:11:22,482
Ask melanie at wjvb.
253
00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:25,953
I'm so happy to be here
At the cleveland radio awards.
254
00:11:25,986 --> 00:11:26,954
Who am I wearing?
255
00:11:26,987 --> 00:11:29,222
Mrs. Ladypants.
256
00:11:29,256 --> 00:11:31,024
Yes, that's what I said.
257
00:11:31,058 --> 00:11:33,093
Mrs. Ladypants.
258
00:11:33,126 --> 00:11:35,328
- oh, my god,
The water main just blew!
259
00:11:35,362 --> 00:11:38,298
We need something
To suck up this water.
260
00:11:42,602 --> 00:11:45,072
- I have something.
261
00:11:47,474 --> 00:11:49,042
- hey, here's the hero.
262
00:11:49,076 --> 00:11:53,413
- yes, I used the ladypants
Dress to plug the giant leak.
263
00:11:53,446 --> 00:11:58,385
The force of the water tore
The dress right off my body.
264
00:11:58,418 --> 00:12:01,989
Remember when you said,
Because it had a built-in pant,
265
00:12:02,022 --> 00:12:06,794
That I didn't need
To wear underwear?
266
00:12:06,827 --> 00:12:09,696
I really wish I had.
267
00:12:09,797 --> 00:12:13,166
- well, at least millions
Of people saw it on youtube.
268
00:12:14,868 --> 00:12:16,269
- somebody posted it
On youtube?
269
00:12:16,303 --> 00:12:17,805
- well, I had to,
And it worked.
270
00:12:17,838 --> 00:12:19,439
- oh.
271
00:12:19,472 --> 00:12:22,575
- and the ladypants lawyers
Said that I no longer get
272
00:12:22,609 --> 00:12:24,544
To wear that gown.
273
00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:26,814
- so what I hear you saying
274
00:12:26,814 --> 00:12:29,216
Is that I made
The biggest sacrifice for you.
275
00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:31,051
- you?
276
00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:33,520
I have an adam's apple.
277
00:12:33,553 --> 00:12:35,022
- I touched dead bodies.
278
00:12:35,055 --> 00:12:36,723
- I cleaned port-a-potties.
279
00:12:36,824 --> 00:12:37,858
- chicago.
- new york!
280
00:12:37,891 --> 00:12:40,427
- van cleef!
- petrossian!
281
00:12:40,460 --> 00:12:42,162
- stop it, both of you.
282
00:12:42,195 --> 00:12:44,031
I have less than two hours
283
00:12:44,064 --> 00:12:46,133
To choose my plus-one
For the academy awards,
284
00:12:46,166 --> 00:12:49,369
And all you're doing
Is stressing me out.
285
00:12:49,402 --> 00:12:50,737
I'm going to the spa.
286
00:12:50,838 --> 00:12:53,841
I'm gonna sit in the sauna
And gonna clear my head.
287
00:12:53,874 --> 00:12:56,543
- that's a great idea, victoria,
Just you and your thoughts.
288
00:12:56,576 --> 00:12:58,011
Your amazing thoughts!
289
00:12:58,045 --> 00:13:00,113
- yes, take all the time
You need,
290
00:13:00,147 --> 00:13:02,415
My dear, dear friend!
291
00:13:08,956 --> 00:13:11,658
- I think I may just go
For a walk.
292
00:13:11,691 --> 00:13:15,628
- and I may go
Check the mail.
293
00:13:22,269 --> 00:13:25,272
Victoria, wait for me!
- wait for me!
294
00:13:27,607 --> 00:13:30,210
- it was nice of joy
To volunteer to park my car.
295
00:13:30,243 --> 00:13:31,912
- it really was.
296
00:13:31,945 --> 00:13:34,948
- you bring out the best
In even the worst people.
297
00:13:34,982 --> 00:13:36,917
Why don't you just
Go relax in the sauna,
298
00:13:36,950 --> 00:13:38,485
And I'll sign in
For all three of us?
299
00:13:38,518 --> 00:13:39,752
- oh, that's sweet of you.
300
00:13:39,786 --> 00:13:41,989
Thank you.
- mm-hmm.
301
00:13:42,022 --> 00:13:43,023
- oh, my god.
302
00:13:43,056 --> 00:13:46,126
Was that victoria chase?
- yes, it was.
303
00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:48,128
And she desperately needs
Your help.
304
00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:51,298
See, there's this crazy
Transvestite stalker
305
00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:52,900
Following her.
306
00:13:52,933 --> 00:13:54,467
And if he shows up here,
307
00:13:54,501 --> 00:13:56,904
It is imperative
That you call security.
308
00:13:56,904 --> 00:13:58,171
You can't miss him.
309
00:13:58,205 --> 00:14:01,541
Crazy short shorts
And a huge adam's apple.
310
00:14:04,777 --> 00:14:08,048
- I wonder
What's keeping joy.
311
00:14:08,081 --> 00:14:09,917
- oh, she probably got
A text from mitch.
312
00:14:09,917 --> 00:14:11,018
You know, whenever he calls
Or texts,
313
00:14:11,051 --> 00:14:13,120
She just drops everything.
314
00:14:13,153 --> 00:14:15,923
Imagine if he texted her
At the oscars.
315
00:14:15,956 --> 00:14:18,625
You'd be all alone
On the red carpet.
316
00:14:18,658 --> 00:14:21,528
No one to yell,
"Oh, my god,
317
00:14:21,561 --> 00:14:22,930
"Victoria chase
And jennifer lawrence
318
00:14:22,930 --> 00:14:25,732
Look just like sisters!"
319
00:14:25,765 --> 00:14:28,768
- well, somebody else
Will probably say it.
320
00:14:28,801 --> 00:14:32,605
- I am not a transvestite!
321
00:14:32,639 --> 00:14:33,941
Or a stalker!
322
00:14:33,941 --> 00:14:34,942
I am a woman!
323
00:14:34,942 --> 00:14:37,577
- with that adam's apple?
324
00:14:37,610 --> 00:14:40,047
Look, buddy,
Security's on its way.
325
00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:41,949
So if you don't wanna get
Arrested, I suggest you leave.
326
00:14:41,982 --> 00:14:43,483
Now.
327
00:14:43,516 --> 00:14:44,717
Also...
328
00:14:44,751 --> 00:14:47,554
Here's my number.
329
00:14:47,587 --> 00:14:50,323
- [grunts]
330
00:14:50,357 --> 00:14:53,560
- all right, I'm gonna call
The oscar people right now
331
00:14:53,593 --> 00:14:55,495
And tell them
You're my plus-one.
332
00:14:55,528 --> 00:14:58,765
- not so fast.
333
00:14:58,798 --> 00:14:59,832
- how did you get in?
334
00:14:59,866 --> 00:15:02,102
- I had to prove
To the receptionist
335
00:15:02,135 --> 00:15:04,137
That I'm a woman.
336
00:15:04,171 --> 00:15:05,538
- you took off your top?
337
00:15:05,572 --> 00:15:09,342
- that didn't work.
338
00:15:14,647 --> 00:15:18,451
I hate to burden you with this,
But as your best friend,
339
00:15:18,485 --> 00:15:20,487
I need to tell you
That your friend melanie
340
00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:21,989
Is mean and deceitful.
341
00:15:22,022 --> 00:15:25,425
- first of all,
I'm victoria's best friend.
342
00:15:25,458 --> 00:15:28,195
And if anyone's being deceitful,
It's joy.
343
00:15:28,228 --> 00:15:31,198
- ladies, ladies, I can't
Fault you for fighting over me,
344
00:15:31,231 --> 00:15:35,002
But you have to remember that
You're both my best friends.
345
00:15:35,002 --> 00:15:37,004
- no, but you have to have
A best best friend.
346
00:15:37,037 --> 00:15:39,606
And isn't that the person that's
Always been there for you?
347
00:15:39,639 --> 00:15:43,743
- oh, you mean like how
I poisoned susan lucci for her?
348
00:15:43,776 --> 00:15:45,378
- I seduced a cannibal
For her.
349
00:15:45,412 --> 00:15:46,413
- oh, please!
350
00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:49,049
I seduced countless men
For victoria.
351
00:15:49,082 --> 00:15:52,219
In fact, I'm so devoted,
I married victoria.
352
00:15:52,252 --> 00:15:54,287
- you also divorced her.
353
00:15:54,321 --> 00:15:56,556
As I recall, it was a mean
And contentious divorce.
354
00:15:56,589 --> 00:15:58,025
- it was not!
355
00:15:58,058 --> 00:16:01,528
How dare you insult
Our beautiful union?
356
00:16:01,561 --> 00:16:02,762
- oh, please.
357
00:16:02,795 --> 00:16:04,464
I mean, I can't even count
How many times
358
00:16:04,497 --> 00:16:06,699
I have humiliated myself,
Broken the law
359
00:16:06,733 --> 00:16:10,603
And my own standards of decency
Just to do things for victoria.
360
00:16:10,637 --> 00:16:13,673
- well, take your number
And double it.
361
00:16:13,706 --> 00:16:19,179
And remember, my standards
Are lower than yours.
362
00:16:19,212 --> 00:16:21,281
Wait a minute.
363
00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:24,417
You and I have risked
Our personal relationships,
364
00:16:24,451 --> 00:16:27,154
Lives, and self-worth
For victoria.
365
00:16:27,187 --> 00:16:31,324
And now we're fighting
Against each other for victoria?
366
00:16:31,358 --> 00:16:34,161
- we should be banding together
Against her.
367
00:16:34,194 --> 00:16:37,864
- ooh, I do not like
The way this is going.
368
00:16:37,897 --> 00:16:40,067
- neither do we.
Come on, joy. Let's go.
369
00:16:40,067 --> 00:16:41,534
- good-bye, victoria.
370
00:16:41,568 --> 00:16:43,070
[text alert beeps]
371
00:16:43,070 --> 00:16:45,505
- oh, my god.
372
00:16:45,538 --> 00:16:48,975
I just got invited
To the elton john oscar party.
373
00:16:49,076 --> 00:16:50,310
Plus one.
374
00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:52,979
- oh, please take me!
I'm his biggest fan!
375
00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:55,082
- no, take me.
I'm your biggest fan.
376
00:16:55,115 --> 00:16:56,216
- [gasps]
- no, but you just said--
377
00:16:56,249 --> 00:16:57,650
- I was just
Trying to draw melanie out,
378
00:16:57,684 --> 00:16:59,652
So she'd reveal
Her true feelings about you.
379
00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:01,188
- that's what I was doing!
- liar!
380
00:17:01,221 --> 00:17:02,689
- you're the liar!
381
00:17:02,722 --> 00:17:04,424
If you take her to that party,
She's gonna embarrass you
382
00:17:04,457 --> 00:17:06,459
By asking elton if she looks
Like kate beckinsale.
383
00:17:06,493 --> 00:17:08,561
- I do look
Like kate beckinsale!
384
00:17:08,595 --> 00:17:11,398
- right now you look like
Nate beckinsale.
385
00:17:11,431 --> 00:17:14,101
- you take that back.
386
00:17:14,134 --> 00:17:17,470
- make me, dude.
387
00:17:17,504 --> 00:17:20,006
[overlapping shouting]
388
00:17:23,110 --> 00:17:24,611
- I owe you both an apology.
389
00:17:24,644 --> 00:17:28,115
I should never have had you
Compete for that oscar ticket.
390
00:17:28,115 --> 00:17:30,883
And so I decided that
The fairest thing to do
391
00:17:30,917 --> 00:17:32,419
Is to put both your names
In a hat
392
00:17:32,452 --> 00:17:34,121
And just choose
My plus-one blindly.
393
00:17:34,121 --> 00:17:36,289
But first
I want to read to you
394
00:17:36,323 --> 00:17:40,560
My oscar acceptance speech
That elka wrote.
395
00:17:40,593 --> 00:17:43,763
- as written, please.
396
00:17:43,796 --> 00:17:46,799
Let the words do the work.
397
00:17:49,169 --> 00:17:50,870
- writers.
[chuckles]
398
00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:53,306
- actors.
399
00:17:56,443 --> 00:17:58,545
- "Thank you
For this incredible honor.
400
00:17:58,578 --> 00:18:02,014
"Thank you to the academy,
To our brilliant producers
401
00:18:02,048 --> 00:18:06,353
Todd milliner,
Josh and joel mandel"--
402
00:18:06,386 --> 00:18:08,020
No, no.
403
00:18:08,054 --> 00:18:09,989
This is not
What I want to say.
404
00:18:10,022 --> 00:18:13,793
I need to speak
From the heart.
405
00:18:13,826 --> 00:18:18,030
Here's the speech
That I'd really rather give.
406
00:18:18,064 --> 00:18:20,567
I want to thank
My two best friends.
407
00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:22,335
Yes, two.
408
00:18:22,369 --> 00:18:25,705
For 30 years,
We have had each other's backs.
409
00:18:25,738 --> 00:18:29,876
We have shared each other's
Triumphs and heartbreaks,
410
00:18:29,909 --> 00:18:32,011
Made the hard times
Good times
411
00:18:32,044 --> 00:18:35,348
And the good times
Great times.
412
00:18:35,382 --> 00:18:38,185
Melanie moretti
And joy scroggs,
413
00:18:38,185 --> 00:18:40,320
I share this award with you
414
00:18:40,353 --> 00:18:42,555
As I share my life with you.
415
00:18:42,589 --> 00:18:44,191
- oh, victoria.
416
00:18:44,224 --> 00:18:46,426
That is so...
417
00:18:46,459 --> 00:18:48,928
- lovely and kind.
418
00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:51,431
And we feel the exact same way
About you.
419
00:18:51,464 --> 00:18:56,203
- oh, guys,
I'm so sorry.
420
00:18:56,203 --> 00:18:57,770
- why did we ever fight
About this?
421
00:18:57,804 --> 00:19:00,307
- I know.
What were we thinking?
422
00:19:00,340 --> 00:19:02,775
- we would never ask you
To choose between the two of us.
423
00:19:02,809 --> 00:19:04,043
- [sighs]
424
00:19:04,076 --> 00:19:09,616
- so why don't you take elka
To the oscars?
425
00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:11,818
- me?
426
00:19:11,851 --> 00:19:13,920
Go to the oscars?
427
00:19:13,953 --> 00:19:17,224
It's always been a dream.
428
00:19:17,224 --> 00:19:19,426
- well, then it's settled.
429
00:19:19,459 --> 00:19:21,228
Elka, you are my plus-one.
430
00:19:21,261 --> 00:19:23,663
- come on, melanie.
431
00:19:23,696 --> 00:19:26,699
Help me open
A celebratory bottle of wine.
432
00:19:26,733 --> 00:19:28,000
We'll toast to elka.
433
00:19:28,034 --> 00:19:29,536
- hey, do we still have
434
00:19:29,569 --> 00:19:30,870
That great bottle of bordeaux
I bought?
435
00:19:30,903 --> 00:19:35,542
- oh, sorry, I finished it up
For breakfast.
436
00:19:35,575 --> 00:19:38,077
- that was
A $1,000 bottle of wine.
437
00:19:38,110 --> 00:19:42,649
- it really brought out
The subtle flavors of my eggo.
438
00:19:47,287 --> 00:19:49,256
- wow.
439
00:19:49,256 --> 00:19:50,523
Your plan worked perfectly.
440
00:19:50,557 --> 00:19:52,592
They totally fell
For the fake speech.
441
00:19:52,625 --> 00:19:55,362
- I told you they would.
- oh.
442
00:19:55,395 --> 00:19:58,631
And I didn't have the heart
To choose between them.
443
00:19:58,665 --> 00:20:00,500
And I meant
Every word I said.
444
00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:03,870
- but you're not gonna give
That speech, are you?
445
00:20:03,903 --> 00:20:05,605
- well, why not?
446
00:20:05,638 --> 00:20:10,209
- no one wants to hear
About your noncelebrity friends.
447
00:20:10,243 --> 00:20:14,514
I know them,
And I don't care.
448
00:20:14,547 --> 00:20:16,082
- elka, can you believe
449
00:20:16,115 --> 00:20:17,650
You're going
To the academy awards?
450
00:20:17,684 --> 00:20:18,985
[doorbell rings]
451
00:20:19,018 --> 00:20:21,020
- what are you gonna wear?
- oh.
452
00:20:21,053 --> 00:20:22,655
It's all so sudden.
453
00:20:22,689 --> 00:20:25,425
I hadn't given it a thought.
454
00:20:29,161 --> 00:20:30,363
- wow, victoria.
455
00:20:30,397 --> 00:20:32,064
Is that your oscar gown?
456
00:20:32,098 --> 00:20:33,533
- looks a little short
For victoria.
457
00:20:33,566 --> 00:20:37,570
- maybe I'll wear that.
458
00:20:43,976 --> 00:20:45,312
[upbeat music]
459
00:20:45,345 --> 00:20:47,714
- * ba-ba, ba-ba
460
00:20:47,747 --> 00:20:50,049
* ba-ba, ba-ba
461
00:20:54,987 --> 00:20:57,256
* ba-ba, ba-ba
462
00:20:57,290 --> 00:20:59,726
* ba-ba, ba-ba
463
00:20:59,759 --> 00:21:06,032
*
464
00:21:08,067 --> 00:21:10,036
* hey!
33497
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