All language subtitles for Hot.In.Cleveland.S05E19.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-TEPES_track3_[eng]

- hot in cleveland
Is recorded

In front
Of a live studio audience.

So in the debate,

If councilman powell suggests
You're too old for city council,

What would you say?

- I'd say I feel like
An energetic 40-year-old.

In fact,
I could go for one right now.

Politics
Is a dirty business.

- okay, you have got
To stop binge-watching

House of cards.

You're not kevin spacey.

Stop talking
To an imaginary camera.

- okay, I'll stop.
Fine.

Or will I?

- elka,
You can't just wing this.

The winner of this debate
Has won the last five elections.

- I could concentrate
A lot better

If I had a cocktail.

- just because the debate
Is at the bar

Doesn't mean
You can drink.

The only thing on the table
Will be a pitcher of water.

- you know what looks
A lot like a pitcher of water?

A pitcher of vodka.

Just saying.

- well, I'm off
To meet jj.

- so is it finally
Just you and him tonight?

- oh, god, I hope so.

Every time we go out,
He invites people

From the nearby tables
To come join us.

- well, I suppose tonight

You could reserve all the tables
Around you with fake names

So that no one else
Shows up,

But that would be
Selfish and unethical.

- yes, that would be.

- you already did it,
Didn't you?

- yes, I did.

I just wish
I understood why

He doesn't want
To be alone with me.

- a mystery
For the ages.

- you always look
So elegant.

Every time
We go out together,

I feel like lady and the tramp
Sharing a bowl of spaghetti.

- oh, don't be silly, jj.
I don't eat carbs.

So this is nice,
Isn't it?

Just the two of us.

- hi, folks.
Welcome to stormi's.

And truly,
Thanks for coming.

All these empty tables.
No-shows.

Who does that?

Anyway, I'm heading out,

But I'll take your drink orders
And send your waiter.

- two vodka martinis.
- okay.

- and, hey,
If your shift is over,

Why don't you join us?

- no, I wouldn't want
To interrupt

Your romantic dinner.

Be right back.

- jj, have I done
Something wrong?

Why are you afraid
To be alone with me?

Are you not attracted to me?

- I'm nuts about you.
- well, then what is it?

- there's something
I need to tell you.

See, I started dating my wife
When she was nine years old.

- oh, my god,
That's disgusting.

- no, no,
I was nine years old too.

We were childhood sweethearts.
We even waited.

We were virgins
On our wedding night.

- oh, that is so sweet
And dear and old-fashioned

And so you.

So just the one?

- yeah, just the one woman,
But we did it a lot of times.

And she had a subscription
To cosmo,

So we tried stuff.

- you're answering questions
I'm not asking.

- well, I know
You've had more than one.

You've probably had more
Like seven or eight.

- well, seven or eight
Are in the number.

- and I'm not the kind of guy
Who likes to admit he's scared.

- well, you don't need to be.

But how about from now on
We keep our dates

To just the two of us?

- done.
Nobody else.

- you know, I was thinking
About your kind offer,

And I've been managing
This restaurant for 15 years,

And no one's ever asked me
To join them before.

Thank you.

And the answer is yes.

So what are we talking about?

- we were just talking
About feelings

And our relationship

And the ins and outs

Of the emotional landscape
Of our future.

- mm-hmm.

You know what?
I forgot.

I do need
To get home tonight.

- and that's how
You get rid of a man

And make him think
It's his idea.

- yeah, elka,
I'm at the bar now.

Powell's people want to set
The debate up in the main room.

Donald?

- melanie.

- oh, yeah,
That english professor

I used to date is here.

Yeah, he does kind of look
Like buzz lightyear.

Wow, donald, hi.

So great to see you.
How long's it been?

- like, two years, maybe.
- wow.

- you still look
As ravishing as ever.

- well,
When you talk like that,

It makes me wonder
What we ever broke up about.

- well, it's pedantic
To insist,

But one shouldn't end
One's sentences

With prepositions.

- now I remember.

Still haven't gotten over
Your terminal pompousness, huh?

- you mean pomposity,

And one doesn't get over
Terminal things.

- well, you're a terminal pain
In the ass,

And I got over you.

- did you?

- okay, just to be clear,
It's been a long drought,

So this is purely physical
For me.

- well, for me as well.

It's not like I'm getting
Anything intellectual.

- oh, my god.
Okay, you know what?

You have to go.

It may surprise you,
Given your low opinion of me,

But I am helping elka out

With her campaign
For city council.

- oh, doesn't surprise me
One bit.

In fact,
I knew the entire time.

I'm coaching her opponent,
Councilman powell,

For the debate.

- what?
Why didn't you tell me?

I wouldn't have slept with you
If I'd known that.

- I think you answered
Your own question.

I'm like any other guy
When it comes

To getting some fleeting,
Barbarian pleasure.

- how's that
For some barbarian pleasure?

[upbeat music]

- * ba-ba, ba-ba

* ba-ba, ba-ba

* hey!

- donald is councilman powell's
Debate coach.

I just slept
With the enemy.

- did you get
Any secrets out of him?

- no, but I may have
Let one of ours slip.

I may have mentioned
That you seem a little crazy

Now that you're talking
To an imaginary camera.

- you talk about elka
While you're having sex?

- you know I'm not good
At dirty talk.

- well, I found out why
Jj's been nervous

About being alone
With me.

He's never been
With another woman

Besides his wife.

- really.
Only her?

- he's a one-gin.
- a one-gin?

- it's our term
For someone who's one step away

From being a virgin.

- we really like each other,

So it's really just
A matter of time

Before I take
His one-ginity.

- I'm not sure I could take
That kind of pressure,

Following somebody
Who was the love of his life.

- oh, I hadn't thought
About that.

- and she died,

So everything about her
Becomes more heightened

And perfect
In his mind.

- that's how I feel
About my night with sinatra.

Wait, I want people
To know about that.

That's how I feel
About my night with sinatra.

- I don't want to compete
With his wife's memory.

I just need to put that
Out of my mind.

- so if he's a one-gin,

What does that make you,
A 10,000-gin?

- I wouldn't talk about
How much gin one of us has had.

- every now and then,
I like to give her a victory.

- wow.

I mean--wow.

Great night.
- lovely night.

- should we go upstairs?
- we could.

- victoria,
I know this is strange,

But I keep thinking
My late wife is gonna walk in

And catch me
Cheating on her.

- and I keep thinking about
How much you loved her.

And you wrote
That beautiful movie about her,

And I just don't know

If I could ever be
As good as her.

- and I don't know
If I could ever be as good

As those seven or eight guys
You've been with.

I'm more scared now
Than when they dropped me

In a rice paddy
In 'nam.

- I hope that's not an example
Of your pillow talk.

- [laughs]

I should be ready for this.

I went to church.
I lit a candle.

- sexy.

- you know what?

We're both putting
Too much pressure on ourselves.

- you're right.
I mean, we're adults.

We can wait.

We'll know
When the time is right.

- mm, and when that time comes,

I know my wife will be
Looking down on us and smiling.

- again, sexy.

- how does
This keep happening?

I don't even like you.

We were just supposed to discuss
The debate ground rules.

- well, we get angry
At each other,

And the passion flows.

It's like act three of tosca

Where puccini
So exquisitely captures--

- oh, my god.
I don't care.

Can we just get back
To the debate, okay?

What is so wrong with using joy
As the moderator?

- melanie, come on.

That is such an obvious ploy
It's almost beneath you.

We need somebody impartial

Who won't steer the conversation
To benefit your candidate.

- stop being
So damn stubborn!

- I'm not taking clothing advice
From a limey bone bag

Who shops
At sluts fifth avenue.

- said the geriatric booze bag
Who shops at forever 91.

- you know what?

We're fine with joy
As the moderator.

- good evening, cleveland.

I'm rejoyla scroggs,
Your moderator.

Welcome
To the city council debate

Between councilman jim powell

And challenger
Elka ostrovsky.

[applause]

- with you helping him,

He's gonna sound like
A pompous windbag.

- with you helping her,
She's gonna sound

Like an uninformed bubblehead.

- I have collected questions
From the audience,

And to the gentleman
Who asked for my number,

I'm flattered

But in a relationship
And very happy.

- if you want her number,
Check the men's room wall.

- and if you want
Elka's number,

Check the wall
Of king tut's tomb.

Now, let's start the debate

With councilman powell's
Opening statement.

- I'm a disabled
African-american

Ohio state football hero,

And no offense,
My opponent is not.

- you can't run
On just that.

- the people
Seem to like it.

Kept me office
For ten years.

- well, that's about to change.

You're going down, powell.

- well, this is nice.

Such a relief
Not to be thinking about sex.

- huge relief.

- I mean, there's nothing erotic
About a city council debate.

- I couldn't be less turned on.

- now, elka, would you like
To make your opening statement?

- more dog parks.
Vote elka.

[applause]

- shades of winston churchill.

On to the next question.

Councilman powell,

Studies show
That 20% of local sewer lines

Fail to meet
Municipal standards.

- 20% below standards.

Now, that's something
We wouldn't know

If we were off
Having sex.

- so true.

There's no reason
To rush things.

Now?
- now.

- but we'll miss the debate.
- I have a radio in my car.

- next question.

People like a candidate
They can relate to.

What makes you
The candidate

The people would like
To have a drink with?

- I wonder
Who put that one in.

- well, I'm just
An ohio state football hero,

And for you listeners
Out there,

My opponent
Is 92 years old,

Not exactly
The type of person

You want to knock back
Some cold ones with.

Am I right?

- I might try a drink.

I've been known to sip
A little sherry

At christmas.

- oh, no.
Elka can't hold her liquor.

She'll get drunk
And embarrass herself.

- well, since the voters
Have suggested it,

Why not have a beer
Right now?

- or vodka shots.

- seriously?

- if that's what
The people want.

[cheers and applause]

- set 'em up.
We're doing shots.

- it's almost too easy.

- which is why I promise

To find more money
For public schools.

[chuckles]

[applause]

- councilman powell,
Your rebuttal?

- she said "Butt."

Actually miss ostrovsky's
Ludicrous assertion--

- that school vouchers
Could ever be tenable

For this community is nothing
More than a flight of fancy

Down a carrollian
Rabbit hole.

- something, something,
Rabbit hole.

- what the hell?

- thank you councilman powell
For that illuminating response.

And for those of you
Keeping track at home,

That's seven shots of vodka
For both candidates.

I'd be very surprised
If the presidential debaters

Adopted this format.

- that was amazing.
- yeah, it was, wasn't it?

- I kind of liked
Having a stick shift

Poking in my ribs again.

- you know,
We spent so much time

Trying to be adult
About everything

When it turns out we just had
To be a couple of teenagers.

- are you thinking
What I'm thinking?

- yes, let's go back
To my place

And enjoy some silk sheets
And champagne.

Now we can be a couple
Of teenagers with money.

- actually my response
To your thought-provoking query

Might just surprise you.

- there you are, donald.

- melanie.

- you look so sexy

I don't think
I can keep my hands off you.

- oh.
That feels good.

- oh, that feels good.

Don't stop.

Wait until I get you home,
You dirty little girl.

- councilman powell?
Councilman powell?

- I told you
He was going down.

- unfortunately
Councilman powell

Has fallen ill.

I'm sure
He would want to remind you

That he is a disabled
African-american

Ohio state
Football hero.

- well, seeing as we only have
One candidate

Who is still conscious,

It looks like
The debate is over,

So by default--

- not so fast,
Downton abbey.

- who are you?

- I am councilman powell's
Aunt esther jean johnson.

I will take his place.
- she can't do that.

- actually, subclause 8.3
Allows for substitutions.

I've read the bylaws.

- "I've read the bylaws."

- all right.

Councilman powell,
When you were elected,

You promised to put lights up
In the park baseball fields.

Why hasn't that happened?
- what?

I told him to do that.

I also told him
To go to church every sunday,

But he didn't do that either.

Oh, that boy gets me riled.

- right, next question.

- you know what the problem
Is with young people?

Is they don't understand
Hard work.

They ask, "How much do I get
To mow the lawn?"

And then I ask, "Well, what do
I get for not whupping you?"

- preaching to the choir.

- and don't get me started
On young men in coffee shops

Ordering them
Nonfat decaf soy lattes.

Cowboy up
And order some milk.

- is that really
A pressing problem?

- well, who asked you,
Skinny-ass mary poppins?

- that's a good one.

- and what about men
Who say they'll call you

But they don't?

- they will
If I'm elected.

- I like your style,
Honey child.

But why do you have to run
Against my nephew?

Can't you run
Against someone else?

- your nephew wants to close
All the dog parks.

- what?
Oh, hell no.

I take my dogs to the park
Every day.

Now, where are bling
And teddy pendergrass

Supposed to do
Their business?

- that's what I'm saying.

- everybody,
I am changing my vote.

Councilman powell's
Beyonce look-alike aunt--

- what?
- it'll be on the radio.

They can't see.

Anyway, I'm supporting elka,
And you should too.

[cheers and applause]

Now, stand up
And give me a hug.

- I am standing up.

- oh, well,
Then just give me some sugar.

Out of my way,
London bridge.

[applause]

- and that's
How you do politics.

- congratulations, elka.

You fired up
The cranky old lady vote.

There's gonna be
A lot of cars

Driving very slowly
To the polls.

- I'm no hero.

I'm just a 92-year-old woman
Who had 10 shots of vodka.

- and congratulations to you,
Victoria.

You and jj
Finally got together.

- I'm no hero.

I'm just a 10-year-old woman
Who had 92 shots of vodka.

- you know, you try to be
So careful and mature,

But sometimes
You just have to do

What comes naturally
And repeatedly.

- you really like him,
Don't you?

- I do.

Yeah, I think
We were both just afraid

Because we see a future in this,

And we don't
Want to make a mistake.

- well, maybe I'm so afraid
Of making a mistake

That I'm choosing men
I have no future with.

I just want to wake up
With someone I can stand.

- I have that with mitch.
I'm gonna call him.

- yeah, I'm gonna call jj.

- I'm gonna call donald.

Donald!
- yes, milady.

- he's here?
- yeah, he's upstairs.

I'll choose a man
I have a future with tomorrow.

- with apologies to the bard,
Pray borrow cupid's wings,

Soar with them above
To this our common bed.

- [sighs]
He's such a schmuck.

Coming!

- so should
We call it a night?

- I'm no hero.

I'm just a 92-year-old vodka

Who's had 10 shots
Of women.

[upbeat music]

- * ba-ba, ba-ba

* ba-ba, ba-ba

* ba-ba, ba-ba

* ba-ba, ba-ba

*

* hey!