All language subtitles for Hot.In.Cleveland.S05E13.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-TEPES_track3_[eng]

- hot in cleveland is recorded

In front of a live
Studio audience.

- where is melanie?

She should be back from her date
With mitch by now.

- joy, honey, you have got
To stop torturing yourself

And tell melanie you're in love
With mitch.

- I can't.

Things will be so much simpler
If she weren't my friend.

I could slash her tires.

Shave her head
While she's sleeping.

Put hot sauce in her eye drops.

Instead I did none
Of those things,

And they're probably having sex
Right now.

- it's only the third date.

Melanie doesn't put out
On the third date.

- you see, joy, a third date

Is when a man likes you enough
To ask you--

- I've had third dates.

- really?

With the same man?

- all right, calm down, joy.

I mean, melanie's hobbling
Around in a cast.

I doubt he finds that a turn-on.

- she'll find some way to make
That broken toe sexy and cute.

That gimpy tramp.

Melanie, darling.

How was your date?

Oh, were you on a date?
I can't remember.

- yeah, I broke up with mitch.
It's over.

- oh, thank god.

My prayers have been answered.

Don't use your eye drops.

- what's going on?

- oh, melanie,
I need to tell you something.

Have a seat.

You remember when I left
That message,

Saying I met the man
I was going to marry.

- yes, of course.

[gasps]
Oh, my god, joy.

You didn't mean mitch.

- yes.

- so this whole time
We've been going out,

You've kept that a secret?

That must have been torture.

- only when I saw him at work
Or you at home.

- honey, I'm so sorry.

Why didn't you say something?

I was really never into him.

- well, I am.

So how should I play this?

What's my next move?

- well, he was really upset
When I left.

[phone beeps]

- it's from mitch.
He wants me to come over.

- what are you gonna do?

- well, it's late,
And he's vulnerable,

So I really shouldn't take
Advantage of that situation.

But I've just typed
That I'm on my way over.

So there's no way
To take that back now.

And send.

[upbeat music]

- * ba-ba, ba-ba

* ba-ba, ba-ba

* hey!

- mitch?

- joy.

Come on in.
I'm having champagne--

To celebrate drinking
This bottle of bourbon.

- look, I'm sorry
You and melanie broke up.

- she dumped my fat ass.

- mitch, you're not fat anymore.

- I thought that losing
300 pounds

Would be good for my heart,
But it wasn't.

It's broken like every
Lawn chair I ever sat on.

- okay, I can see you're in kind
Of a dark place right now.

- wrong.

I'm having a party.

I invited all my
Old girlfriends:

Little debbie,
Dolly madison,

Mrs. Butterworth.

- mitch, I've been where you are
A bunch of times,

And you just have to get through
The part where everything hurts.

But eventually you'll find
Someone who appreciates

All the wonderful, wonderful
Things about you.

- I thought she was the one.

Is there anything worse than
Wanting someone so badly

And they're right there
And they don't want you back?

- no, there isn't.

- what did I do wrong, joy?

Should I not have looked
Into her eyes

And said, "I was lost
Until I met you"?

- no, that's a nice thing
To say.

- and was I wrong to touch
Her cheek like this?

- no, that's a lovely thing
To do.

- when I was so desperate
To kiss her,

Was I wrong to lean in...

- oh--
Just do it.

- joy?
- yes, mitch.

- I don't feel so good.

- I'm on hold.

My agent says it'll really help
My oscar bid

If I can be the face
Of a major charity.

I want to be
A unicorn ambassador.

- that's unicef ambassador.

- well, that sounds
A little less magical,

But it makes more sense.

Ah, hello?

Yes, um, just a moment.

One of my third-world adopted
Children needs my attention.

Shinktawa.

You finish your sandwich.

Other children are starving in
The country that you come from.

So I understand
That you've been looking

For a new celebrity
Spokesperson, and--

Uh-huh.

Oh, well...

How nice for her.

Okay.
Good-bye.

So get this:

Salma hayek is now
The spokesperson for unicef.

- that selfless bitch.

- well, I just talked to mitch
On the phone.

He doesn't even remember
Me coming over last night.

All he wanted to talk about
Were his crazy plans

To win melanie back.

I mean, what has she got
That I haven't got?

Shut up, elka.

- I didn't say anything.

Boobs.

- hi, guys.

- how'd it go with ross barkley?

- who's ross barkley?

- he's the publisher of
The cleveland plain dealer.

- wait a minute.
Ross barkley?

Isn't he also the billionaire
Who runs the hunger charity

People feeding people?

- yeah, that's the guy.

I'm helping elka with her
Campaign for city council,

So I went to him
For an endorsement,

And I'm sorry, elka.

He said no.

- but I need his endorsement
To win.

- I sang your praises.

I mean, I was so charming,

He even asked me out
On a date.

But he is going to endorse
Councilman powell.

It's gonna be in the paper
On sunday.

- well, then go out with him
Tonight and fix it.

- and while you're out with him,

Ask him to make me
The new spokesperson

For people feeding people.

- can you believe these two?

Basically asking me
To prostitute myself.

- do it.

Do it tonight.

I need mitch to see
That you've moved on.

Take this guy to the bar,

I'll bring mitch,

He'll see you being
All prostitutey

With ross barkley,

And I'll be there
To pick up the pieces.

- so you want me to sleep
With this guy

To further all your
Selfish interests?

- no one said you had
To sleep with him.

- but we're not forbidding it.

- great.

You know what, you guys always
Do this to me.

You guilt me into doing
Something

That I shouldn't be doing.

And it really hurts my feelings

That this is how you play me.

- melanie's right.

It's okay if I die alone.

And victoria never gets
Her oscar.

And surely elka has another
92 years to run for office.

The important thing is that
You don't have to suffer

Through one dinner
With a billionaire.

- nice try, guys.
Not this time.

- five, four,
Three, two...

Oh, forgot the foot.

Three, two...

- fine.
I'll do it!

- thank you.

- so bono says to me,

"Ross, you're never gonna use
The helicopter."

- yeah, I think you told me
That one already.

- this is a different yacht.

- oh, my god.

Melanie's here on a hot date.

I had no idea.

What a painful and clear
Reminder to you

That she's moved on.

- who's that lug in the suit?

- oh, my.

That's ross barkley,

The billionaire playboy.

She's had her eye on him
For a while.

Well, since there's no chance
Of winning her back,

We should go somewhere else.

There's a wine bar on the lake
Not far from here.

- no, no, no, no.

If I'm gonna move on,

I need to figure out
If she's really into this guy.

- fine, but it could be
Devastating.

Luckily I have these very bare
Shoulders for you to cry on.

- so we both want something
From ross barkley.

You want his endorsement
For city council,

And I want to be a spokesperson
For people feeding people.

Now, the chances of both of us
Getting what we want are slim.

- I know.

I'll go first.

- no, I'll go first.

- fine, you go first.

- wait.
Why did you give in so easily?

You think he'll turn me down,

And then he'll feel bad,
And then he'll say yes to you?

I'll go second.

- perfect.
I'll go first.

- oh, that's what you wanted
All along.

Uh, this is like that game,

Where one of the wine glasses
Has poison in it,

And you don't know which one
It is.

- calm down, victoria.

And drink your wine.

- so jerry jones says to me,

"You know more about football
Than any man I've ever met."

And this is jerry jones
Talking.

- yeah, still don't know
Who that is.

- joy, you know melanie's tells.

What is she feeling right now?

- well, I do know that that's
The look melanie gives

When she's really into someone.

- really?

Looks like she wants to be
Somewhere else.

- yeah, in his bed.

If melanie looks like
She's having a good time,

She really isn't.

But if she looks bored
And disgusted,

She's having a great time.

- really?

And if she's stifling a yawn...

- she's stifling an orgasm.

- so anyway, I just started
Hosting a radio talk show

Called ask melanie.

- you're ask melanie?

- you know my show?

- no--I almost called in
A few times.

I'm a huge fan.

- really?
- yeah.

- look at that smile.

That means she's not into him,
Right?

- oh, that's not a real smile.

That's just gas.

She's like a baby.

Once she burps, it'll be gone.

- so the secret to my job,

And it took me a while
To learn this,

Is to be 100% nonjudgmental.

- oh, that is so good to hear.

Because the thing I wanted
To ask you on the radio,

I can't tell anyone.

- you can tell me now.

- see, I was in a plane crash
In the mountains of peru.

- oh, my god.
That must have been terrible.

- I was the sole survivor.

Once the food ran out,

I really only had
One horrible option.

- are you saying what I think
You're saying?

- yes.

- wow.
She looks nauseous.

- I'm really jealous.

She never looked at me
Like that.

- you know, everyone thinks
It'll taste like chicken.

It doesn't.

It tastes like whitefish.

How is your whitefish,
By the way?

- it's okay.

- hello.

Ross barkley, right?

I'm victoria chase,

And I'm a huge fan
Of people feeding people.

I don't mean to offer myself up
To you on a platter,

But...

I'd really like to be
Your spokesperson.

And I know you're busy
Right now,

But I thought maybe sometime
We could get together

And chew the fat
And flesh out some ideas.

And if you have any questions,
Just feel free to grill me.

- are you not listening?

He's a cannibal.

He eats people.

- he ate one person, melanie.

Don't exaggerate.

- we've all done things.

- yeah, we ate that eggplant
Dish you made last week.

Look, the man's plane crashed.

It was the only way
He could survive.

- any one of us
In that situation

Would have done the same thing.

- I suppose you're right.

- oh.
There you go.

And could you just try to look
A little more into him,

Like his cannibalism
Was just a loveable quirk?

- fine.

- okay, I'll ask.

Do we taste like chicken?

- no.
Whitefish.

- fish?
We taste like fish?

- pork I could believe,
But fish?

- huh.

I thought we'd be chewy,
Not flaky.

- melanie, humans tasting like
Fish doesn't even make sense.

- oh, I'm sorry.

I'm deferring to the man
Who actually ate human flesh!

- what did melanie say?

- I'm sorry, mitch.
She's crazy about him.

She thinks he's the sexiest man
She's ever met.

- really?
Him?

I'm in better shape than he is.

- oh, melanie hates guys
Who work out too much.

The bigger, the better,
That's her motto.

- oh, my god.
That's it.

Melanie's into bigger guys.

That's why she broke up
With me.

She likes a man with meat
On his bones.

- apparently she's not alone.

- why did I lose
All that weight?

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Okay, now's my chance.
I'm gonna go win her back.

- oh, mitch,
That's not a good idea.

- melanie, give me one month.

I'll gain 100 pounds.

- what are you talking about?

- I'm too thin, right?

I'm not your type.

That's why you like ross.

You need something
To grab on to.

- is that what joy said?
- yes.

- well, my secret's out.

I like big guts,
And I cannot lie.

- hey, so what do you weigh,
Buddy?

Two bills?
2 1/4?

That used to be my left leg.

Hear that melanie.

You didn't even eat your bread.

Dude, I used to sweat butter.

You call yourself big?

- no, I don't.
Who are you?

- I'm your worst nightmare.

I'm the guy that's gonna gain
300 pounds and steal your girl.

Hold up there.
I need some dessert.

- I'm sorry about that.

- I'm fine.

Right now nothing can bother me.

- well, I was happy to help,
Ross,

But now it is time to put
The whole thing behind you.

- not yet.
- mm.

- there is one more thing
I need to confess.

- no, really?

Because,
Like I tell my callers,

Sometimes it's best to keep
Things bottled up.

- I liked it.

I liked the taste.
It was delicious.

I've been chasing that taste
Ever since.

So close.

- he ate a man,
And he liked it.

- come on, melanie.

Put that to a catchy tune,

And it's a katy perry song.

- joy makes an excellent point.

Now who thinks melanie

Should get back to her date
With a cannibal?

- no, I'm not gonna do it.

- it's one date.

And you can't break up
With him now.

Mitch will think
You're still available.

And victoria needs
The charity cred,

And dear, sweet elka
Needs her endorsement.

- oh, bless you, my angel.

- you're doing it again.

You guilted me into this date,

And now you think you can guilt
Me into sticking with it.

Well, it's not gonna work.
Not this time.

- so you're ending the date?

- no.

- but you're never gonna do
Anything for us like this again?

- no, I probably will.

- then what was the point
Of that outburst?

- I don't know.

- melanie speaks very highly
Of you, elka.

Why don't you tell me why you
Want to be on the city council?

- to serve man.

With your help, I could eat
My opponent for breakfast.

- melanie.

You told her?

- no. What?
No.

- the way I see it,

There are two people
You could endorse.

One is a football hero.

The other knows you eat people.

- you know what,
I may have said something,

But she really does deserve
Your endorsement.

- okay, fine.
She's got it.

- really?
That's great. Okay.

And while you're being
So generous,

My friend, victoria, would make
A great spokesperson

For your charity,
People feeding people.

- done.
- really?

- yay!

Lip-reader.

- of course
She's attracted to him.

Look at this wikipedia page.

He's rich.
He's won a pulitzer prize.

He...

Oh, my god.
- what?

- flight 577.

That plane that crashed in peru
Ten years ago.

Ross was on that plane--
The only survivor.

I got to go talk to him.
- oh, no.

No, no, no.

- excuse me, mr. Barkley,
I'm so sorry about before.

I was way out of line.

Is it true that you
Were on flight 577?

- yes, I was.

- my best friend mark greaves
Was on that plane.

- my god, I sat next to him.

- did you talk to him?

- yes, he was a great guy.
Very friendly.

He was a fashion designer,
Right?

- yes.
He had great taste.

- yes, he really did.

- melanie's the first woman
I've been interested in

Since my divorce.

Maybe there's just
No one out there for me.

- no, there is.
Honestly, she's there.

At the market.
In a bookstore.

On a couch.

I'm a pretty good detective.

Maybe I could help you find her.

- you are a good detective.

We're a great team.

We're like nick and nora charles
In the thin man.

- oh, I love those movies.

- really?
Me too.

I've got one dvr'd.
We could watch it right now.

- I'd love to.

- you're a great girl, joy.

I can't believe that simon guy
Left you twice.

- how do you know about simon?

- I do my research.

I also know you got stood up
At the altar;

You were briefly married
To victoria;

You got dumped
By a homeless guy.

- yeah, yeah,
You did your research.

- you deserve better.

You're so beautiful
And sensitive and caring.

- you really think
I'm beautiful and...

And, well, to be honest,

I pretty stopped listening
After "Beautiful."

- you know who else
Is beautiful?

- melanie?
- yeah.

- yeah.

Let's watch the movie.

Thanks for being here for me,
Joy.

- it's my pleasure.

- hey, you know what?

Maybe we could help each other
Find someone.

I could help you find
A new simon;

You could help me find someone
Exactly like melanie.

- oh, yes.

Won't that be fun?

[upbeat music]

- * ba-ba, ba-ba

* ba-ba, ba-ba

* ba-ba, ba-ba

* ba-ba, ba-ba

*

* hey!