All language subtitles for Hot.In.Cleveland.S05E06.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-TEPES_track3_[eng]

- hot in cleveland
Is recorded

In front
Of a live studio audience.

- I call to order
The first meeting

Of project oscar.

Now the academy award ballots
Are being mailed out this week

And I am determined
To be nominated.

So first order of business...

- get a time machine and give
A better performance?

- I have hired our
Little detective here

To track down
Any academy members

Living in the cleveland area.

- I was able to find
All three members.

- [gasps]

I got corey chambers?

Oh, he was my favorite
Teen actor in high school.

I was obsessed with him.

I dreamed that
He'd asked me to prom.

I knew he would see past
My acne and back brace and...

Lazy boob.

- "Lazy boob"?

- one boob was slower to grow.

- joy has two of those.

- this is incredible.

My high school reunion
Is coming up,

And I wasn't gonna go.

But what if we meet
And fall in love,

Like I always dreamed,
And I bring him to my reunion?

That'll show 'em.
Who's "Smell-anie" now?

It's hard to shower
With a back brace.

- this might be
A good time to stress

That you can't make fools
Of yourselves with these actors.

- got it, got it.

Oh, he volunteers at petsmart
Charity adoption events.

So do I.
That's my in.

- excellent.
Elka?

- I've got rusty banks.

I remember him.

- he was a child actor,

But I've never heard
Of his movies.

- oh, they were westerns.

And they called him
The comeback kid

Because he was always telling
People to come back.

- "You're coming back,
Ain't you, china joe?"

Terrible movie.

- well, my actor is ivy johnson.

- oh, from
Night of the hereafter.

I saw that last week.
She is amazing.

- oh, so young and beautiful.

And it's her first movie.

- yes, we all hate her.

- but won't she just vote
For herself?

- well, of course.
But she can nominate me as well.

Or maybe she's one
Of those honorable people

Who refuse to vote
For themselves,

Like I say I am.

- ivy's staying
With her parents.

She only goes out to go
To group therapy.

Word on the street is
She's a hot mess.

- oh, good.
My word got out.

- I'll be infiltrating
That therapy group.

Frankly, I'm happy
For the diversion.

Ever since simon left,
I'm not interested in dating.

[sighs]

But I know he may
Never come back,

So I mustn't put all my eggs
In one basket.

- you got enough eggs left
To need a basket?

- speaking of eggs, elka,

Since you were there,
Was it the chicken or the egg?

[upbeat music]

* ba ba ba ba

* ba ba ba ba

* hey!

- excuse me,
Mr. Banks?

- the one and only.
[laughs]

- roy!

You're rusty banks?

- yes, ma'am.

How are you, elka?
Have a seat.

- what's it been?
Two years?

- yeah, ever since my mom
Wouldn't let me

Date you anymore.

- I remember.
[both laugh]

Is she...Well?

- oh, yeah.
She's great.

She got remarried last year.

Now, of course,
My baby stepbrother

Gets all the attention.

- "Baby stepbrother"?
- yeah.

Just turned 70.

Kids do say
The darndest things.

Mostly because of the dementia.
[laughs]

- I had no idea
You were in show business.

- oh, I made 50 pictures
Before I was ten.

But then hollywood decided
I wasn't cute anymore,

So we moved back to ohio.

- well, a cute kid is nice,
But a handsome man is nicer.

- that is wonderful.

Ivy, can you go a little deeper
With that thought?

- [mumbling] I just want
To scream and disappear.

- I think that's something
We can all relate to, right?

- I'm sorry.
I didn't quite catch that.

What did she say?
- [gasps]

- ivy has some issues with
Vocal confidence right now.

She's feeling some anxiety due
To the pressures of fame.

But we're gonna help her
Through it, right?

- [mumbling]
Thank you.

- how about you, joy?

Is there anything you'd like
To share with the group?

- oh, I'm not sure
If I'm ready yet,

But you guys carry on.

- [mumbles indistinctly]

- I think ivy sums it
Up perfectly.

- she does?
- yeah.

Group can be daunting
At first.

Just tell us about yourself,
Anything at all.

- okay.
[laughs]

My name is joy.

I'm originally from britain
But moved to los angeles

Where I started
A successful business.

[crying] And now simon's
Halfway around the world!

He said he'd come back,

But he's already lined up
Two more assignments.

So I just have to accept
That he's someone

Who's never gonna stay
With me.

- that was a good share, joy,
And I think john--

- the problem is

I can't help comparing
Every guy I meet to him.

I can't move on with my life.

- [mumbles indistinctly]

- she said that--
- I know.

I understood this time.

[all clapping]

So roy is rusty banks?

- and he agreed
To vote for me?

- your name never came up.

- well, see that it does.

Joy, were you able to infiltrate
Ivy's therapy group?

- yes.

I posed as an unstable woman,

And they bought it.

- there's your
Oscar performance.

- actually, therapy was quite
Cathartic.

I think if I keep going,
I can work through

Some of my issues
With simon.

- well, what about ivy?

- oh, poor thing.

She's clearly insecure

And struggling
With her sudden fame.

- excellent.

If we can fuel
Those insecurities,

Maybe we can convince her
To drop her name

From the oscar ballot
Completely.

Oh, people will have to vote for
The other fresh-faced ingenue.

Me.

- okay, before you say anything,
Yeah, I know.

I got a huge zit
On my forehead.

- what? No.

I don't see anything.

- it's like a third eye.

It's following me.

- oh, it's moved
To my chin too.

It's from that cream
You gave me.

You said the fda
Wouldn't approve it

'cause they were jealous.

- huh.

I may have made that up.

So how did it go with corey?

- oh, great, I think.

I was able to lure him over
To the house.

And of course
I was super excited.

But I think we made
A real connection.

I can't believe I'm sitting
Next to corey chambers.

And I'm being completely real

Because I remember
In tiger beat

You said you hated phonies.

- yeah.

[clears throat]

You said that this was
A fundraising event?

- yeah, I'm gonna write
A check.

- and that jim brown
Would be here.

- yeah, I might have made
That up.

I'm sorry,
It's just that

When I was a teenager,
I used to have

Your poster over my bed,

And I would dream
That you would come alive

And crawl into my bed,

And then I would pull
The sheets real tight

So you couldn't escape.

- [chuckles nervously]

- it was a little rocky
At first,

But I charmed him.

In fact, I rsvp'd yes
To my high school reunion.

If things go as planned,

I am showing up with corey
On my arm.

- wow.

Your plan,
Joy's breakthrough,

Elka's happiness--

Listen to yourselves!

Such selfishness.

I mean, what about my oscar?

Clearly, I'm gonna have
To find some clever way

To insert myself
Into your assignments.

No, no, no, no.

You don't have to worry
About me.

I made a real connection
With corey.

And I will talk to him about you
The next time I see him.

- melanie moretti?
- yes.

- this is a restraining order.

- I can't believe I'm here
With the great rusty banks.

Not just a legend, but
A voting member of the academy

For over 50 years.

- oh, I don't vote anymore.

- what?

- it doesn't feel right
To vote.

I don't act anymore.

- so, what I'm hearing is
That

The dormant acting bug
Is awakening.

- I don't know.
Maybe.

- oh, listen to that passion.

Now I'll just bet
That there is a dream project

In there somewhere.

- well, I always thought
It would be kind of neat

If the comeback kid made
A comeback

In a one-man revue.

- where do I buy a ticket?

- [laughs]

- I don't know about this.
- oh, I do, I do.

Oh, let's do it, roy.

I'll bankroll the whole thing.

Let's up on a show
And see

Where this old cow trail
Takes us.

- really?
- yeah.

- okay!

Let me get my stetsen

And my cowboy dance-belt.
- [laughs]

- what the hell?

- well, if he starts acting,

Then he'll start voting
For the oscars again.

But actors are
So self-centered

And obnoxious.

- you do realize
That I'm an actor.

- the only one I know.

- hearing about joy's sad life

Really made me feel better
About my own.

- I get that a lot.

- well, I've been making
Some progress.

And it may not sound like much,

But I've been reading
These scripts,

And I made a call to my agent
To let him know

I'm back in the game.

- oh.
[all clapping]

- if I could add to that.

- oh, everyone, let's hear from
Our new member, victoria.

- hi.

I'm just so inspired by ivy.

I mean, I don't think
I could've handled

So much success at such
An early age.

No wonder you say,
"I feel like a fraud."

- I didn't say that.

- well, you or the critics--

Someone has
Or will have said it.

- I hate to say this to
A newcomer I don't know,

But shut up, victoria.

- I would,
But I'm just--

I'm so scared,
You know, for ivy.

She is blindly walking into
A red-hot buzz saw of criticism,

Fresh meat
To be ripped apart.

So here's to you.

You are my hero, ivy.

- [mumbles indistinctly]

- I'm sorry, dear.
What was that?

- [muttering]

- can anybody?

- this is a mirror, melanie.

I can see you.

- hi.

I guess you're wondering
Why I'm wearing glasses.

- the hundreds of things
I'm wondering right now,

Glasses are not on the list.

- I'm sorry, you know.

This is
A really terrible idea.

I'm doing all of this for
A really good friend

And now I feel stupid
And ridiculous

And I'm so, so sorry.

- look,
You're obviously crazy.

But you seem harmless.

Hopefully harmless.

So I'll tell you what.

Double your donation
To the charity,

Stay out of the men's room,

And I'll drop
The restraining oder.

- thank you.

You will never see me again.
- good.

- unless you want to.
- good-bye, melanie.

- thank god that worked.

- it did not!

The whole point was
To give him the dvd of my movie.

You were supposed to say you
Were overcome that day

By my performance
In cleveland rhapsody.

Now get out there
And give it to him.

- okay.
- go!

- corey! Wait up!

- I hate you, victoria.

You ruined therapy for me.

- I hate you too.

You made me chase after corey,

And now the restraining order
Is 1,000 feet.

- I hate you the most.

- oh, elka, you look adorable.

- I am not elka.

I'm prairie sue.

Roy put me in his show.

Dagnabbit.

- setting aside everything
You've done to us,

You've also dashed
The hopes and dreams

Of that
Sweet young actress ivy.

- look, she's got decades ahead
Of her to get nominated.

This is probably my only chance.

And I think I'm just
One therapy session away

From getting her to scratch her
Name off that list.

- this oscar obsession has
Turned you into a monster.

- really, melanie?

I'm the monster in the room?

- all I ever wanted to be
Was an actor.

I grew up inspired by
The grand old actresses

Of yesteryear.

Julia roberts,

Molly ringwald,

Elizabeth shue.

But now I realize
I have to quit

The thing I love the most
Because failing at it

Is the thing
That scares me the most.

So...
[breath trembles]

I'm moving back to cleveland
For good

To work
At my dad's gas station.

No pressure,
No expectations.

I wish I had the strength

And confidence
That victoria has,

But I don't.

- I barely know victoria,
But sometimes

Strength and confidence
Can be destructive and selfish.

- yeah, that's true.

Also sometimes,
People who appear

To be strong and confident are
Actually masking deeper fears.

- [laughs]
Oh, no. That isn't me.

I mean, sure.
It's awards season.

And of course that
Brings up some fears.

And I really, really would
Like to win.

But, look.

I don't know where this
Overwhelming desire

To win awards comes from.

Probably my childhood,
But, well,

This is hardly the place
To delve into that.

- well, it kind of is.

I mean, it's a therapy group.

Why don't you tell us
About yourself.

- well, I've never done ensemble
Therapy before,

But okay.

I was born in a small town
In upstate new york...

[crying]
Called me a loser.

[sniffles]

Until I brought that award home
From school.

And that was the first time
My father ever told me

He was proud of me.

And so when it came time

For me to decide
What I wanted to do,

I thought, well,
What profession

Constantly gives itself awards
Just for doing its job?

Acting.

Ivy, I'm a horrible person.

I came here to get you to drop
Out of the oscar race.

But you can't quit acting.

I saw your performance
In night of the hereafter.

And hated every minute of it.

That's how good you were.

- wow.

Hatred from an actress
Of your stature.

Thank you.

But what if I am a fraud
And that part

Is the only part
That I can play?

- ivy, it's crazy to think
That way.

At your age, your best roles
Are yet to come.

- well, how do you know
Your best relationship

Isn't yet to come?

I mean, you're pretty young.
What are you?

Like, 35?

- yeah, I'm, like, 35.
Yes.

- joy, ivy's right.

I mean, there must be
Tons of guys

Out there looking
For someone as lovely

And open and honest as you.

I mean, what about this guy?

He listens to problems.

You have problems.

In the movie business,
We call this a "Meet cute."

- in the therapy business,
We call that

Questionable ethics, so...

- I'll quit group.
- how's saturday night?

- see you then.

- look.

You're gonna have
Your ups and downs

And you'll feel like
A fraud sometimes.

We all do.

But, if you'd let me,
I'd really like to help you

Over the rough patches.

- I'd like that.

And if you'd let me, I'd like to
Take you sweater shopping.

- thank you.

- [whistles]

[sniffs]

Okay, I smell women's perfume.

Melanie, is that you again?

- actually,
It's victoria chase.

- I know who you are.

What the hell's going on here?

- hmm, a better question
Would be

Why is your club security
So lax?

Look, you have a restraining
Order against my friend,

Melanie moretti.

But it's really all my fault.

- [sneezes]

- she's here, isn't she?

- hi, corey.

- what the hell happened
To you?

- oh, I can explain.

You know how in your movies
The power of love

Made awkward girls
Beautiful.

Well, here it did the opposite.

- I'll take it from here,
Victoria. Thanks.

Look, my high school reunion
Is coming up,

And I had this stupid idea
That I would ask you

To go with me.

I guess it's important

Because I was just such
A loser in high school.

Yeah, I looked like--

Well, what I look like now.

[laughs]

I guess someone like
You could never understand.

- really?

I want to show you something.

- ugh.
- oh.

- mm.
- poor thing.

- who is she?
- that's me.

In high school.

Look, I'll drop
The restraining order, okay?

And I can't believe I'm actually
Saying this,

But the answer is yes.

- what?
- I'll go with you.

To your reunion.
- seriously?

Oh, my god!

Corey chambers is going to my
High school reunion with me.

And maybe if we have
A good time,

We can have a proper date.
Because now we have a whole--

- honey, he said yes.

Let's just quit
While you're ahead.

- just wanted to meet you.
Big fan.

- okay.

[harmonica playing]

*

- and that's our show, folks!

Y'all coming back,
Ain't ya?

[applause]

- oh, it's a hit.

They want us back.
Every weekend.

- oh, that's great.

- every weekend?

Oh, roy's gonna have
To whittle me a new hip.

- roy, that was fantastic.
- oh, thank you.

What an exciting night.

But I'm done
With show business.

- what?

- oh, the anxiety,

The physical exhaustion.

Being with you is excitement
Enough for me.

- oh, roy.
[laughs]

- so you're hanging up
Your spurs?

- yes, I am.
- [laughs]

But keep the chaps.

[phone vibrates]
- oh, I just a google alert.

- me too.
We're both in people magazine's

Oscar buzz issue.
- that's great.

But remember what we talked
About in therapy.

An award can't
Be a substitute--

- all right, just go back
To hitting on your patient.

One more drink,
And she's good to go.

- * ba-ba, ba-ba

* ba-ba, ba-ba

* ba-ba, ba-ba

* ba-ba, ba-ba

*

- hey!