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[CHRIS ROCK] WE WERE THE LAST PHILOSOPHERS.

EVERYBODY NOW THAT TALKS

IS READING FROM A PRE-APPROVED SCRIPT.

YOU KNOW, EVEN OUR "ALLEGED" SMART PEOPLE,

YOU KNOW, OR CORPORATELY CONTROLLED.

YOU KNOW, SO THERE'S ONLY ONE GROUP OF PEOPLE

THAT KINDA SAY WHAT THEY WANNA SAY.

STAND UPS.

[BILLY CONNOLLY] I THINK IT'S WONDERFUL THAT AT ONE END

OF THE SOCIAL SIDE OF SOCIETY

THERE'S THIS CLOUD OF NATTERS

WHO'LL TALK ABOUT HAVING SEX WITH YOUR MOTHER

AND THEN DYING AND SALT AND CLOTHES

AND RUNNING ABOUT NAKED.

AND TALKING ABOUT VENEREAL DISEASE AND CANCER AND POLITICS.

I THINK IT'S ONLY POETRY

THAT COMES UP TO THE SAME ESTEEM.

IT'S BEYOND ART.

IT'S A MAGIC TRICK, YOU KNOW.

REAL MAGIC.

[PAUL PROVENZA] WE'RE ASKING A ROOM FULL OF HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE

TO HAVE AN INVOLUNTARY PHYSICAL RESPONSE

SIMULTANEOUSLY.

IT'S FUCKING WEIRD.

[SARA SILVERMAN] YOU WANT TO PLEASE THE AUDIENCE,

BECAUSE THAT'S WHY YOU DO STAND UP

IS 'CAUSE OF SOME FUCKED UP NEED INSIDE OF YOU

TO, TO HAVE APPROVAL BY STRANGERS.

[KEVIN HART] I HAVE TO GET ON STAGE.

THAT SERVES A VALUABLE PURPOSE IN MY LIFE.

THAT'S WHAT I LOVE TO DO.

IT'S MY, IT'S MY MUSE.

IT MAKES, IT CALMS ME, IT PUTS ME AT EASE.

I CAN GO ONSTAGE AND JUST TALK ABOUT ANYTHING,

AND I GET AN IMMEDIATE RESPONSE.

WHEN YOU'RE A COMEDIAN, YOU'RE A AUTHOR,

YOU'RE A DIRECTOR, YOU'RE A ACTOR.

WHAM! IT IS EITHER FULL APPROVAL

OR FULL DISAPPROVAL ON YOUR ESSENCE

ON WHAT YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVE

AND HOW YOU REALLY SEE LIFE.

JOKES ARE MEANT TO BE TOLD

NO MATTER WHAT, IN THE EYE OF THE STORM,

YOU GOTTA TELL THAT JOKE.

YOU GOTTA TELL IT BECAUSE YOU WANNA,

YOU WANNA BE DANGEROUS,

YOU WANNA MOVE, YOU KNOW, THE, THE NEEDLE.

THE FUN IS THAT WHEN YOU RISK

AND IT SCORES,

IT'S HALLELUJAH.

[CLAPPING]

[JERRY] THE FIRST TIME YOU GO ONSTAGE, YOU HAVE NO IDEA

HOW HARSH AN ENVIRONMENT IT ACTUALLY IS.

AND, 'CAUSE WHEN YOU WATCH COMEDIANS,

WHEN YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT IT,

IT SEEMS LIKE THE AUDIENCE IS KINDA HAVING

A GOOD TIME ANYWAY.

AND THIS GUY COMES ON AND HE SAID SOME FUNNY THINGS,

AND THEN THEY HAVE AN EVEN BETTER TIME.

THAT'S WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

THAT'S NOT WHAT, WHAT'S HAPPENING AT ALL.

UH, WHAT'S HAPPENING IS NOTHING.

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

IT IS DEAD, SOLID,

QUIET ROOM OF UNHAPPY PEOPLE.

AND YOU HAVE TO START FROM THAT.

[MALE INTERVIEWER]

NO.

AND I'M ALWAYS JEALOUS OF THESE PEOPLE,

THE FIRST TIME IT WAS AMAZING.

MINE WAS A HORRIFIC EXPERIENCE WHERE I BELIEVE

I LEFT MY BODY AND WET MYSELF AT THE SAME TIME.

I DON'T THINK THAT'S EVEN POSSIBLE

IN, LIKE, A MOTORCYCLE ACCIDENT AND THAT HAPPENED.

I HAD WRITTEN ALL THIS MATERIAL, I FORGOT ALL OF IT,

AND I IMMEDIATELY WENT TO THIS KIND OF LIKE,

SHUTDOWN MODE, AND I WAS BABBLING,

JUST BASICALLY BABBLING LIKE A SHELLSHOCK,

LIKE, BA-DA, YOU KNOW.

AND AFTERWARDS, YOU KNOW,

THE CROWD MAYBE GAVE ME A COUPLE OF PITY CLAPS,

THAT WAS IT.

AND I REMEMBER JUST LIKE IN A FETAL POSITION

IN MY BED AND MY MOM'S GOING, "WHAT'S WRONG?"

AND I'M LIKE, "I'M GOOD AT NOTHING."

I REMEMBER JUST TELLING HER THAT. "I CAN'T DO ANYTHING."

I JUST KINDA FELL INTO IT.

BECAUSE I WOULD WATCH THE AMATEUR NIGHTS.

I'D GO, "THESE PEOPLE ARE HORRIBLE."

YOU KNOW, IF THEY CAN DO IT, I CAN DO IT.

AND THEN I WENT UP THERE,

AND I WAS WORSE THAN THEM.

I MEAN, I WAS LITERALLY UP THERE AND I STARTED,

LIKE, I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO SPEAK ENGLISH

AND I STARTED, I REMEMBER JUST MAKING NOISES.

LIKE, 'CAUSE I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT...

AYE, YA, AYE, YA. YOU KNOW?

I COULDN'T EVEN GET THROUGH WHAT I HAD PLANNED TO DO

WHICH WAS ONLY ABOUT FIVE MINUTES OF THINGS.

I WAS SO SHOCKED AND ROCKED

BY THE DENSITY OF THE AIR IN THE ROOM

AND YOU FEEL THE MOOD OF THE ROOM.

IT'S JUST THIS CEMENT BLOCK.

AND I JUST,

I JUST LEFT THAT NIGHT AND I WAS...

DEVASTATED.

THERE WAS ABOUT SIX PEOPLE 'CAUSE IT WAS RAINING

AND I JUST DIED ON MY ASS

AND SOME GUY YELLED SOMETHING LIKE,

"GO BACK TO SCHOOL" OR SOMETHING.

IT WAS SOMETHING REALLY FLIMSY LIKE THAT.

ANYWAY, IN THE RAIN,

WE DROVE BACK AND MY DAD WENT,

"YEAH WELL, YOU'RE A, YOU'RE GOOD AT A LOT OF DIFFERENT THINGS.

-THIS IS A... -[INTERVIEWER LAUGHING]

THIS PROBABLY ISN'T A THING FOR YOU.

BUT YOU ENJOY IT AS SOME TYPE OF HOBBY,

THEN, UH, YEAH, WELL, IT CAN'T HURT REALLY.

YOU KNOW, IT COULD HURT YOUR SELF-ESTEEM, SURE."

I GO TO AUDITION FOR LUSHUN

AND, UH, I KILLED.

I THOUGHT THE SET WAS AMAZING.

YOU KNOW, HE WAS A COMEDY CLUB OWNER,

AND THESE GUYS WOULD WATCH YOU

AND THEN HE'D TAKE YOU IN THE BACK

AND TELL YOU IF YOU COULD MAYBE WORK IN THEIR CLUB OR NOT.

I GO INTO THE BACK AND I'M SITTING DOWN AND I'M LIKE 21.

I'M LIKE, "HEY, MAN, I JUST WANT TO SAY, THANK YOU.

THIS IS COOL, MAN." DA, DA, DA, YOU KNOW.

"YOU LET ME COME HERE AND AUDITION."

HE'D TALKED LIKE THIS, HE WAS LIKE,

"WELL, KEVIN, UM...

I DIDN'T SEE IT.

I DIDN'T SEE IT TONIGHT.

I'M LIKE, "SEE WHAT? WHAT'RE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

"POTENTIAL." HE SAYS TO MY FACE.

"POTENTIAL.

I DON'T THINK YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A COMEDIAN."

I SAID, "GODDAMN!" TO MY FACE?

IT WAS VERY, VERY EARLY IN MY CAREER

I BECAME AWARE OF THE PEARL OF LAUGHTER,

ACTUALLY I THOUGHT I WAS A FOLK SINGER AT THE TIME,

AND I WAS ONSTAGE WITH MY BANJO

I WAS SO ???

THAT I FORGOT THE WORDS HALFWAY THROUGH

AFTER PLAYING THOSE, I WAS PLAYING IT QUITE WELL

AND SINGING IT QUITE WELL,

AND THEN SUDDENLY, THE BLANK CAME.

I THOUGHT, "OH, JESUS, WHAT AM I GONNA DO?"

SO I SAID, "I'M SORRY. I FORGOTTEN THE WORDS."

SO I STARTED TO TELL THEM WHAT THE SONG WAS ABOUT

IN MY NERVOUS WAY.

AND THEY STARTED TO TITTER AND LAUGH AND SCREAM.

IT ENDED UP THEY WERE ROARING WITH LAUGHTER.

AND I THOUGHT, "OH.

I LIKE THAT NOISE."

AS I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME

I WAS AWARE OF HOW IT FELT

TO MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH AND THAT WAS,

I WAS AT COLLEGE.

AND I START DOING THESE FUNNY VOICES

AND HALF ROUTINES, VERY KIND OF,

UH, I'LL-CRAFTED STUFF,

AND THEY LAUGHED A LOT.

AND I, AND I'LL NEVER FORGET

THAT FEELING OF MAKING A CROWD OF PEOPLE LAUGH.

'CAUSE WHEN I WENT OFFSTAGE,

I JUST REMEMBER THINKING,

"THAT WAS SO EXCITING. THAT FELT SO GOOD.

I REALLY, I HAVE TO DO THAT AGAIN.

I WANT TO DO THAT AGAIN.

AND THEN I SPENT THREE MONTHS,

AND I WROTE A WHOLE NEW SET OF THINGS

THAT I THOUGHT WERE FUNNY.

AND I GOT ONSTAGE AND I GOT THE WHOLE

FIVE MINUTES OUT OF MY MOUTH.

I KNEW TO BE MORE PREPARED THIS TIME.

YOU KNOW, THAT YOU HAVE TO MEMORIZE IT

LIKE, ICE COLD.

AND I GOT THROUGH IT, AND THE PEOPLE LAUGHED.

AND THAT WAS THE GREATEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE.

[SIREN BLARING]

[STREET NOISES]

[TOM DREESEN] EVERY STAND UP COMEDIAN

STARTS OUT EMULATING ANOTHER COMEDIAN,

BECAUSE THEY KNOW THAT WORKS.

BUT THEN ANOTHER NIGHT, YOU LET A LITTLE BIT OF YOU OUT,

AND IT GETS A LAUGH, THEN YOU LET A LITTLE BIT MORE

OF YOU OUT, AND THEN PRETTY SOON,

YOU'RE YOU ONSTAGE.

[RICK] IT TAKES YOUR ACT

TEN YEARS TO FORM, TO GEL.

YOU WANT SOMETHING THAT IS COMFORTABLE TO YOU.

AND YOU HAVE THE GREATEST COMFORT AND LATITUDE

WITH THINGS YOU DON'T HAVE TO FEEL LIKE

A THIEF ABOUT.

WHEN YOU CAN USE YOUR OWN STUFF,

THAT'S THE FOREVER FOUNTAIN.

BUT IT'S ONLY OVER A PERIOD

OF MANY, MANY YEARS OF GROWING AS A HUMAN BEING

AND BEING ONSTAGE AND DEVELOPING MATERIAL

WHERE YOU REALLY CAN GET A SENSE OF YOUR OWN VOICE

AND YOUR OWN IDENTITY,

AND YOU CAN REALLY START SAYING,

"THAT'S MY MATERIAL, THAT IS BORN OF WHO I AM."

[KIRK FOX] MY FIRST TIME OUT,

I DID THREE MINUTES THAT WERE GREAT,

BUT I DID IT AS JESUS' BROTHER.

INSTEAD OF SAYING, "IMAGINE JESUS' BROTHER."

I WAS DOING AN IMITATION

THAT I WAS JESUS' BROTHER.

AND IT DIDN'T WORK.

UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE, I SAID,

MAYBE NOT EVEN THE LAST MINUTE, I SAID,

"YOU KNOW, THIS WAS HILARIOUS THIS MORNING

IN FRONT OF A MIRROR."

AND EVERYONE LAUGHED.

AND THEN, RIGHT THEN, I, I, I UNDERSTOOD

AT THAT MOMENT, SOMETHING THAT,

THE ONE HONEST MOMENT GOT THE LAUGH.

I WENT ONSTAGE TRYING TO DO THIS "MATERIAL"

THAT I HAD WRITTEN, AND I END UP

INSULTING THIS POOR LITTLE WOMAN IN THE FRONT ROW

BY CALLING HER FLORIDA EVANS, 'CAUSE SHE WAS BALDHEADED.

AND SHE LOOKED AT ME

LIKE SHE WANTED TO FIGHT ME,

AND I GUESS THAT FEAR OF, LIKE,

"OH, MY GOODNESS. WHAT HAVE I DONE?"

I JUST STARTED JUST TALKING ABOUT, "GIRL, I'M SO SORRY.

LOOK, I WAS BALDHEADED 'CAUSE I HAD A BAD PERM ONCE,

AND I PUT IT IN AND ALL MY HAIR FELL OUT, GIRL, 'CAUSE I UNDERSTAND.

AND EVERYBODY JUST STARTED CRACKING UP AND I REALIZED,

COMEDY'S REAL.

I'M TELLING 'EM SOMETHING THAT REALLY HAPPENED TO ME

TO TRY TO GET OUT OF SOMEONE

WANTING TO FIGHT ME RIGHT NOW,

AND THAT'S WHAT I REALIZED WHAT MY FUNNY WAS,

MY FUNNY IS REAL. MY FUNNY IS TRUTH.

WHY WOULD AN AUDIENCE WANNA HEAR WHAT I'VE GOTTA SAY?

WHY WOULD I WANNA SIT DOWN

AND WATCH A BLOKE I'VE NEVER HEARD OF

AND HEAR WHAT HE'S GOT TO SAY ABOUT HIS LIFE?

BUT THEN I STARTED TAKING ABOUT MY FAMILY,

YOU KNOW, TALK ABOUT THEIR EXPERIENCES OF BEING IN ENGLAND

AND TALKING ABOUT HOW IT FEELS TO BE

A YOUNG BLACK KID DOING...

AND I FOUND THIS, THIS VOICE,

THIS INNER VOICE OF ME, A TRUTH, IF YOU WILL,

AND WHAT IT MEANT WAS

THAT I COULD SAY SOMETHING QUITE PROVOCATIVE

THAT WILL MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH, BUT THEN ALSO THINK.

I LIKE THAT.

A LOT OF COMEDIANS JUST WANT,

LAUGH, LAUGH, LAUGH, LAUGH, LAUGH, LAUGH, LAUGH,

LAUGH EVERY, WHAT IS IT, EVERY 15 SECONDS THEY SAY?

UH, I LIKE,

LAUGH, BOO, LAUGH, [GASPS],

YOU KNOW, [GASP], LAUGH, "GET OUTTA HERE," OR DISBELIEF.

LIKE, I LIKE TO MIX EMOTION WITH LAUGHTER.

EMOTIONS MUST NOT GET IN THE WAY OF THE WORK,

BUT ALLOW IT TO JOIN THE WORK.

AND THEN YOU'LL SAY THINGS AND DO THINGS

THAT ARE COMING FROM HERE,

AND YOUR AUDIENCE WILL KNOW THAT.

THEY'LL KNOW WHEN IT'S A SET JOKE,

AND THEY'LL KNOW WHEN IT'S COMING FROM YOUR HEART.

YOU SHARE THOSE TWO ELEMENTS TOGETHER WITH YOUR BRAIN,

LOCK IT IN AND GO NOWHERE WITHOUT IT.

[FRANKIE BOYLE] I HAVE THIS SYSTEM WHICH I READ ABOUT

AS BEEN SEINFELD SYSTEM,

BUT THEN GOOGLED IT AND I CAN'T FIND ANYTHING.

SO IT COULD BE LIKE A DREAM I HAD,

BUT APPARENTLY, THE IDEAS THAT YOU WRITE

THREE JOKES A DAY THAT YOU'RE DEFINITELY GONNA DO ONSTAGE

WHICH SOUNDS LIKE NOTHIN', RIGHT,

SO YOU'VE DEFINITELY GOT TO SAY IT.

SO ON THE FIRST DAY, YOU FIND YOURSELF

AT HALF PAST TEN AT NIGHT

STILL NOT HAVEN'T WRITTEN THE THIRD

OR POSSIBLY THE SECOND OR FIRST JOKE

AND I CAN'T GO TO BED 'CAUSE I'VE NOT DONE IT.

AND THAT'S SO HORRIBLE THAT BY THE FOURTH DAY

YOU'VE KIND OF GOTTEN A SYSTEM OF GOING,

"OH, I'M GONNA DO IT EVERY DAY."

AND THEN WHEN YOU GET ONSTAGE,

YOU START DOING THEM AND THEY'RE TERRIBLE,

AND YOU HAVE TO DO THEM,

YOU START TO GO, "OH, I BETTER MAKE THESE FUNNIER."

I WILL CALL MY SISTER AND I WOULD SAY, "OH, MY GOD.

I WENT HOME WITH A GUY LAST NIGHT

AND HE HAD LIKE THE BIGGEST PENIS,

AND I BAILED AS SOON AS I SAW IT AND LEFT.

AND I'M TELLING HER OVER THE PHONE

AND WE'RE BOTH CRYING LAUGHING.

AND I WAS LIKE, OH, YOU SHOULD TRY THIS ONSTAGE.

AND, OKAY.

AND THEN, SO IT BECAME JUST TALKING TO MY FRIENDS

OR FAMILY IN LIFE,

AND THEN SEEING HOW THAT TRANSLATED TO THE STAGE,

FINDING THE PUNCH LINES IN IT.

LIKE, I HAVE A JOKE THAT I WRITE,

AT LEAST ONCE A WEEK I WRITE IT OUT

TO SEE IF IT'S COME TO ME YET.

AND I CAN'T, I STILL HAVE NEVER MADE IT WORK.

I'VE TRIED IT ONSTAGE A FEW TIMES

WITH A COUPLE OF DIFFERENT SETUPS AND I CAN'T...

[INTERVIEWER]

THAT PARTICULAR JOKE HAS PROBABLY BEEN IN THE WORKS

FOR FIVE OR SIX YEARS.

BUT THERE'S OTHER JOKES THAT I HAVE

THAT I'VE TRIED TO MAKE WORK FOR LONGER THAN THAT.

YOU KNOW, TEN YEARS PROBABLY.

[KEENEN IVORY WAYANS] SO THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO

SIT AT HOME AND WRITE OUT THE JOKES

AND THEN THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO

TAKE CONCEPTS AND GO ONSTAGE AND TALK ABOUT THEM.

UM, AND,

AND THOSE GUYS TEND TO BE MORE IN THE MOMENT.

I WAS ABOUT TO GO ON A MONTH AGO AT LARGO

AND I WAS LIKE, "I DON'T FEEL FUNNY. I DON'T FEEL FUNNY."

AND, AND I WAS LIKE,

"WHAT AM I GONNA DO?"

AND EVERYTHING I THOUGHT OF TO DO

WAS FAKE

'CAUSE I DIDN'T FEEL FUNNY.

AND THEN I JUST WENT ONSTAGE AND I WAS LIKE,

"I DON'T FEEL FUNNY."

AND IT WAS GOOD.

[DAVID A. ARNOLD] IF I RUN INTO SOMETHING THAT HAPPENS,

IMMEDIATELY I'LL PULL OUT MY PHONE AND START

TYPING, TEXTING, AND MY WIFE, SHE KNOWS.

HE'S, HE'S WRITING,

HE'S DOCUMENTING FOR THE STAGE.

AND SHE'LL BE GOING LIKE, "UH-UH.

YOU'RE NOT TAKING THIS TO THE STAGE."

I'M LIKE, "THE HELL I'M NOT."

I JUST JOT 'EM DOWN.

SO IN HERE, YOU SEE HOW LONG THIS IS,

THESE ARE JUST RANDOM THOUGHTS,

RANDOM JOKE THOUGHTS,

FOR MY NEXT HOUR.

ANYTIME I HAVE, UH, A FUNNY IDEA,

I WRITE IT IN MY PHONE.

SO THEN I HAVE A BUNCH OF STRANGE NOTES

THAT MAYBE I DON'T FULLY UNDERSTAND.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANNA TALK ABOUT.

I DON'T KNOW THE ORDER OF IT OR HOWEVER IT GOES.

SO WHAT I DO IS

TO START MY NEXT HOUR OR TO START BUILDING IN HOUR,

UH, ME, HARRY AND JOE, WE'LL GO TO A COMEDY CLUB

I TAKE MY PHONE, I'LL LOOK AT MY NOTES

I'LL JUST START TALKING.

"CALL THE LAW OFFICES OF BENDER AND BENDER

IF YOU WANT A LAWYER WITH AN INDIANA JONES HAT."

UH, "YOUR ENGAGEMENT DOESN'T COUNT

UNTIL YOU POST THE PICTURE OF THE RING ON FACEBOOK."

"FAMILY TIGHTER THAN A WHITE PUSSY."

UH, THAT'S KINDA FUCKED UP.

I SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID THAT ONE OUT LOUD.

I LITERALLY STARTED FOUR-AND-A-HALF WEEKS AGO

WORKING ON A NEW ACT.

I LITERALLY DIDN'T EVEN HAVE

A PREMISE THAT I WANTED TO WORK ON.

AND I WALKED ONSTAGE AND JUST TALKED TO THE AUDIENCE

FOR 45 MINUTES TO AN HOUR.

AND THEN, LITTLE BITS OF THINGS WOULD SHOW UP

WHEN I WOULD TALK TO THIS PERSON.

SOMEBODY WOULD SAY SOMETHING AND I WOULD SAY SOMETHING.

I'M LIKE, I COULD SAY THAT AGAIN. I COULD SAY THAT AGAIN.

AND THEN, YOU KNOW, YOU CUT TO FOUR-AND-A-HALF, FIVE WEEKS LATER NOW,

AND I'VE GOT ABOUT 40 MINUTES OF AN ACT.

I WILL GO TO THE WHITEST CITY, BOISE IDAHO,

DES MOINES, IA,

UH, GUNNISON, COLORADO, AND DO MY BLACKEST MATERIAL.

DO AN HOUR OF BLACK MATERIAL.

IF THEY KNEW 20 MINUTES OF IT,

I WOULD TAKE THAT AND LOG THAT AND SAY,

"OKAY. I KNOW THAT ANY WHITE MIDDLE AMERICA PLACE

WHERE THERE'S NO BLACKS,

THEY UNDERSTAND THIS 20 MINUTES.

THEN I WILL GO TO LIKE, THE CHOCOLATE CITY, CHICAGO,

YOU KNOW, UH, NEW YORK, MIAMI, L.A.,

AND DO ALL OF MY POLITICAL, YOU KNOW, SO.

AND THEN IF THEY KNEW 20 MINUTES OF THAT,

WE JUST LOCK IT TOGETHER, SO I KNOW NOW

40 MINUTES OF WHEREVER I GO,

PEOPLE ARE GOING TO, UH, KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

AFTER I'M HAPPY, I'LL GO DO LIKE A SMALL THEATER

1500, 2000 AND SEE HOW PEOPLE ARE RECEIVING IT

FROM ME BEING FARAWAY.

'CAUSE I NEED MY MATERIAL TO COME OFF INTIMATE,

EVEN THOUGH IT'S NOT INTIMATE.

I'M A STORYTELLER, BUT WITHIN MY STORIES

THERE'S HILLS AND VALLEYS.

SO I NEED THAT TO ALWAYS BE INTRIGUING.

I DON'T EVER WANT THERE TO BE A DULL MOMENT.

BECAUSE WHEN YOU'RE IN AN ARENA, IT'S SO LARGE,

THE MINUTE YOU LOSE PEOPLE'S ATTENTION,

THEY START TALKING, THAT TALKING CAN,

IT CAN GRAVITATE TOWARDS THE STAGE,

IT CAN FUCK UP THE WHOLE ENVIRONMENT.

SO EVERYTHING NEEDS TO BE...

A SMACK IN THE FACE.

THE NICEST THING ABOUT STAND UP

YOU GET TO DO YOUR ACT

OVER AND OVER AND OVER.

AND, AND, AND THE AUDIENCE

THAT IS, IS LAUGHING AT, AT A JOKE,

HAS NO IDEA OF THE COUNTLESS AUDIENCES

WHO HAD TO SUFFER THROUGH IT BEFORE.

[CREW LAUGHING]

IT'S LIKE YOU WRITE WITH CHALK,

AND YOU DON'T KNOW

THAT'S BILLIONS OF LITTLE ANIMALS

THAT DIED A HORRIBLE DEATH.

COMEDY IS PURELY A RESULT

OF YOUR ABILITY TO WITHSTAND

SELF-TORTURE.

THAT'S WHAT, THAT'S WHERE YOU GET GREAT COMEDY.

YOUR ABILITY TO SUFFER AND GO,

"THAT DAMN THING STILL DOESN'T WORK."

I GOTTA, I'M GONNA WRITE IT AGAIN.

I'M GONNA TRY IT AGAIN.

AND IF YOU'RE WILLING TO DO THAT,

85 TIMES FOR A STUPID JOKE,

OVER THE COURSE OF MANY YEARS,

GREAT JOKES GET WRITTEN.

NO, I NEVER, UH, YOU KNOW,

I DON'T KNOW HOW, I LOOK AT MY ACT

WHAT I LIKE TO CALL "THE ACT,"

LIKE IT'S THIS MONUMENT.

SOMETIMES I GO TO THE ACT AND I PRAY THERE.

DEAR ACT, IF I MAY IMPLORE YOU TO GIVE ME A LITTLE,

IS IT SO MUCH TO GIVE ME A LITTLE JOKE?

HOW 'BOUT, "A JEW WALKS INTO A BAR" JOKE?

ANYTHING.

HOW 'BOUT EVERYBODY THAT WAS EVER IN A JOKE IS IN THE BAR?

HOW 'BOUT THAT?

THE MOST COMPLICATED JOKE EVER.

AND THEN THE FARMERS DAUGHTER COMES IN AND SHE...

[SAM TRIPOLI] COMEDIANS, IN MY OPINION, ARE JEDI'S.

THEY PLAY MIND TRICKS ON PEOPLE.

AND THE BEST COMEDIANS PUT AN ENTIRE CROWD

IN LIKE KIND OF A TRANCE.

SO THE ENTIRE GROUP IS THINKING AS ONE.

IN THINKING,

IN THAT COMICS MIND THOUGHT PROCESS.

AND THAT'S WHY WHEN SOMEBODY MESSES UP A LINE,

IT'S ALMOST LIKE THE RECORD SCREECHED, RRR! YOU KNOW?

AND EVERYONE COMES OUT OF THE TRANCE,

AND THEN HE HAS TO PUT 'EM BACK INTO THE TRANCE.

AND THAT'S HOW YOU GET CROWDS THINKING

IN RHYTHM WITH YOUR ACT.

AND THAT'S WHY THE GREAT COMICS HAVE A RHYTHM TO THEIR ACT.

I WOULD ALWAYS SOMETIMES SAY, YOU KNOW,

"HOW MANY OF YOU ARE IN THIS MAGNIFICENT ARENA

FOR YOUR VERY FIRST TIME?" APPLAUD

AND THEY WOULD APPLAUD.

I'D SAY, "HOW MANY OF YOU ARE SEEING FRANK SINATRA LIVE?"

YOUR VERY FIRST TIME, APPLAUD.

I'M IN CHARGE AND YOU ARE...

I'M GONNA QUESTION YOU.

THE FIRST THING I'M GONNA SAY IS A QUESTION TO YOU.

HERE'S THE POINT. I TALK, YOU REACT.

I TALK, YOU REACT.

I TALK, YOU... I GOT 'EM INTO MY RHYTHM.

YOU KNOW, THIS WAS MY TRICK TO GET 'EM INTO MY RHYTHM.

YOU KNOW, AND FOCUS ON ME.

[INTERVIEWER] SO YOU'RE NOT SEEKING

THEIR APPROVAL? AT ALL?

NO, I'M SEEKING THEIR SUBLIMATION.

[INTERVIEWER CHUCKLES] YEAH.

YEAH, LIKE THIS GUY'S A LITTLE SCARY.

AFTER EVERY JOKE I WOULD TAKE A STEP BACK,

BECAUSE I WAS SO AFRAID OF THE AUDIENCE.

YOU KNOW, SO BY THE END OF MY SET,

I'D BE CLEARLY AGAINST THE WALL.

YOU KNOW?

AND A FRIEND OF MINE SAID,

"YOU KNOW, YOU DO IT

AND YOU START EATING IT,

BECAUSE YOU DISCONNECT FROM THE AUDIENCE.

SO WHAT I STARTED DOING

IS USED TO STARTED WALKING TOWARDS THEM.

AND THEN ANOTHER THING THAT I STARTED DOING

IS TO LOOK AT EVERYONE IN THEIR EYES.

I WOULD THINK THAT WHAT HAPPENS BETWEEN A,

A COMEDIAN AND AN AUDIENCE...

I WAS TEMPTED TO SAY, "STAYS WITH THE COMEDIAN AND THE AUDIENCE."

[ALL LAUGHING]

AND I'M NOT ABOUT TO LET THAT CAT

OUT OF THE BAG NOW.

I FEEL EVERY NIGHT I AM LINKING OUT WITH EVERYONE

UH, THERE IN THE AUDIENCE.

SO I'M TRYING TO ENTERTAIN MYSELF.

SO I ENJOY THAT SHOW. THAT'S THE TRICK.

I'VE ALWAYS TRIED TO KEEP THAT,

I KEEP THE STUFF MULTAN,

CONSTANTLY READY TO MOVE IT.

I VERBALLY SCULPT IT INTO A PLACE,

BUT EACH NIGHT I'M SLIGHTLY RESCULPTING IT.

UM, LESS SO

BECAUSE I FOUND THAT I KEEP RESCULPTING IT AND YOU GET IT GOOD

AND THEN YOU JUST KEEP RESCULPTING IT

AND YOU GO, YOU'VE LOST THAT, THOSE GOOD BITS.

SO I'M, I'M TRYING NOT TO SCULPT IT TO A PLACE

AND THEN KIND OF SET IT WITH WIGGLE ROOM.

YOU KNOW, WHEN THE ZOMBIES ARE COMIN',

YOU JUST GOTTA KEEP SHOOTIN'.

[COCKS GUN] RELOAD.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? AND EVENTUALLY, "YAY!"

THE SHOW'S OVER AND PEOPLE GO, "YOU WERE GREAT."

AND YOU GO, "THANK YOU." AND YOU GO, "WAS I?"

EVERY AUDIENCE IS DIFFERENT.

I THINK YOU SHOULD BE NERVOUS.

I THINK THAT THERE SHOULD BE

SOME ANTICIPATION OF

"OH, MY GOD, ARE THEY GONNA LIKE THIS ONE?

IS IT ALWAYS GONNA HIT?"

UM, BECAUSE THEN YOU GET BORED.

UM, I DON'T LIKE BEING NERVOUS

ESPECIALLY BEFORE A HUGE SHOW.

I HATE THAT. I'MA THROW UP.

YOU KNOW, I WANNA USE THE BATHROOM.

I WANNA THROW UP. I WANNA QUIT.

I WANNA PULL OFF MY HAIR AND THROW IT IN THE AUDIENCE.

I WANNA, AH!

YOU GO THROUGH ALL THAT UNTIL YOU HEAR YOUR FIRST LAUGH.

AND THEN YOU'RE LIKE,

"OH, I AM SO FUNNY!"

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS.

CHECK THE TOILET.

DID YOU JIGGLE THE TOILET HANDLE?

OKAY. JUST GON' WALK THROUGH THE SCENE.

DID SHE JUST WALK THROUGH THE MY--

-YES... -THAT'S GREAT.

ALL RIGHT, CLOSE THE DOOR. THIS IS SO GHETTO.

-I APOLOGIZE. -[ALL LAUGHING]

I WAS IN A CLOTHING STORE AND I'M WALKING AROUND,

UH, PRIMARILY LOOKING FOR A SHIRT.

JUST SO YOU CAN UNDERSTAND MY INTENTION

IN THIS STORY.

AND A YOUNG MAN COMES UP TO ME AND HE SAYS,

"MR. SHANDLING, COULD I TALK TO YOU A SECOND?"

AND, UH, I SAID, UH,

"SURE. WHAT'S UP?"

HE SAID,

"YOU KNOW, I'VE ONLY BEEN L.A., LIKE A FEW MONTHS

AND I WANT TO DO STAND UP COMEDY."

I SAID, "RIGHT."

HE SAID, "WELL,

THERE'S GOTTA BE A SECRET, RIGHT?

THERE'S GOTTA BE A SHORTCUT."

I SAID, "WHAT'RE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

HE SAID, "WELL, I KNOW, I HEAR ABOUT GUYS

HAVING TO GO TO WORK IN CLUBS AND THEY'D HAVE TO DO THIS

AND THEY DO THIS AND IT'S ALL ABOUT THE WORK,

AND YOU GOTTA GO AND TRY JOKES AND WRITE JOKES,

BUT THERE'S ALWAYS A SHORTCUT."

I SAID, "NO, THERE'S NO SHORTCUT."

THERE'S LITERALLY NO SHORTCUT.

[SULI MCCULLOUGH] TO BE A COMEDIAN

MEANS YOU HAVE TO GO OUT AND TAKE YOUR COMEDY

TO THE PEOPLE.

AND NOT JUST DO IT IN THE PLACES

WHERE IT'S GLAMOROUS.

YOU GOTTA GO TO THOSE PLACES

YOU MAY NOT NECESSARILY WANT TO GO TO.

SO THEY SENT MY LITTLE ASS TO COLD-ASS MINNESOTA.

HEY, WHAT'D YOU THINK OF MINNESOTA?

UH, IT'S FUCKING COLD.

[KIRA SOLTANOVICH] YOU GET OUT ON THE ROAD

AND IT'S ABSOLUTE PURE HELL.

YOU'LL HAVE A CITY,

AND THEN YOU'LL HAVE

JUST SADNESS

FOR MILES.

JUST HOURS OF NOTHING.

NOTHING. AND IT'S THE SAME.

THEY HAVEN'T PUT UP ANYTHING.

[AMY] MY FIRST COUPLE YEARS ON THE ROAD

WERE GOING WITH WHOEVER WOULD TAKE ME FOR $50

TO DESPICABLE COMEDY CLUBS

IN BASEMENTS OR IN ATTICS

WHERE THE GREEN ROOM IS JUST LIKE A BAR

AND THEY TAKE HALF OFF THE UNION RINGS FOR YOU.

JUST HORRIBLE HOTELS CROSSING HIGHWAYS.

YOU KNOW, JUST, UGH,

BEING EXCITED THAT THEY HAVE FREE YOGURT

AND ORANGE JUICE IN THE LOBBY.

[MAN ON RADIO] WE EXPECT UP TO AN INCH OF SNOW AND A HIGH OF ONLY...

[KIRA] SO YOU'RE DRIVING THROUGH THESE STATES,

YOU'RE DRIVING TEN HOURS TO YOUR NEXT GIG...

AND THEN YOU GET TO THIS GIG

AND THEY PUT YOU UP IN SOME MOTEL

THAT PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MURDERED IN,

A HUNDRED PERCENT GUARANTEED THEY'VE BEEN MURDERED IN.

[RICK] THEY PUT YOU UP WITH A HOTEL ROOM

THAT'S GOT NOTHIN' BUT BLOOD STAINS

WITH CHALK AROUND THEM ALL OVER THE CARPET.

THEN THE GUYS, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS ABOUT THIS ROOM.

ANYWAY." CLICK. YOU KNOW.

IT'S LIKE YOU'RE THERE JUST AWAKE ALL NIGHT.

[KIRA] AND YOU HATE YOURSELF BECAUSE YOUR DINNER

IS OUT OF A VENDING MACHINE.

BECAUSE IT'S EITHER THAT

OR SOME SCARY

FAST FOOD DRIVE-THRU PLACE.

YOU'RE LIKE, YOU'RE GONNA EAT AT A TGI FRIDAY'S

EVERY DAY.

YOU'RE GONNA GET TO KNOW THE STAFF.

LIKE, YOU'RE GONNA BE AT THAT PLACE SO MUCH.

IF YOU EAT WELL ON THE ROAD,

YOU JUST LOST MONEY ON THE FLIGHT.

LIKE YOU'RE GONNA, YOU'RE GONNA COME HOME 100 BUCKS IN THE HOLE

'CAUSE YOU DECIDED TO HAVE FISH.

[MIXED CHATTER]

YOU'RE TAKING A PERSON THAT SUFFERS FROM DEPRESSION

THEY'RE LIKE, "HEY, GO GET A ROOM

IN A CITY WHERE YOU LEGIT DON'T KNOW ANYBODY."

AND YOU'RE LIKE,

HEY, HANGOUT BY YOURSELF FOR FOUR DAYS.

THE AMOUNT OF LONELINESS CAN BE INSANE.

[JASON MANFORD] SOMETIMES THE AUDIENCE ARE THE FIRST PEOPLE

YOU'VE SPOKE TO IN A DAY.

IT'S 8:00 AT NIGHT AND THEY'RE THE FIRST,

THAT'S THE FIRST HUMAN INTERACTION YOU'VE HAD ALL DAY.

[REPORTER] IF YOU DON'T ENJOY THE RELATIVE WARMTH

THAT YOU'RE GONNA SEE TODAY...

[COCOA] IT'S LONELY.

YOU KNOW, I CAN BE ONSTAGE IN FRONT OF 5,000 PEOPLE

GET A STANDING OVATION AND GO TO MY HOTEL ROOM TO COMPLETE SILENCE.

AND I'M LOOKING AT THE MONEY ON THE BED

AND THE ROOM SERVICE I JUST ORDERED,

BUT I HAVE NO ONE TO CALL.

[ELECTRICAL BUZZING]

[ALARM CLOCK SOUNDING]

[THEO VON] I MEAN, YEAH, YOU HAVE JUST WEIRD TOWNS OUT THERE

WHERE YOU HAVE TO SHARE A ROOM WITH SOME DUDE YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW.

AND A LOT OF TIMES IT'S LIKE AN ADULT MAN.

AND THAT'S SCARY, SOME DUDE WHO'S IN HIS 40S

WHO STILL DOESN'T KNOW IF HE'S BISEXUAL OR NOT.

AND YOU'RE JUST LIKE LAYING THERE IN A BED

NEXT TO HIM JUST FACING THE OTHER WAY JUST LIKE,

OH, SHIT. HOW DOES THIS END? YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, THAT KINDA STUFF CAN GET

A LITTLE BIT SPOOKY, YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE YOU KNOW HOW FUCKED UP YOU ARE

AND YOU KNOW THAT HE'S 20 YEARS FURTHER IN FUCKED UP.

YOU'RE LIKE, DANG, SON.

THIS IS HOW THE CHAIN KEEPS GOIN'.

THIS IS HOW THE TORCH GETS PASSED, YOU KNOW?

[FRANKIE] AND YOU GET A LOT OF SLEEP IN PLACES

THAT YOU WOULDN'T HAVE THOUGHT

WOULD BE TECHNICALLY POSSIBLE TO SLEEP.

SO LIKE ON A LEATHER NECK TWO-SEATER COUCH.

YOU MIGHT GET A GOOD COUPLE OF HOURS SLEEP

AND THAT'S A BAD SIGN

WHEN YOU'RE PEELING YOUR FACE OFF A VINYL SURFACE

TEN MINUTES BEFORE YOU TALK TO

A THOUSAND PEOPLE.

[SARAH] THE ROAD IS REALLY LONELY,

AND, UH, IT ONLY FEELS GOOD WHEN YOU'RE ONSTAGE,

AND IT DOESN'T ALWAYS.

AND, UM, AND YOU MAKE FRIENDS

JUST THAT YOU WILL NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN.

BUT JUST FOR THE NIGHT, THE CREW THAT'S THERE.

WHOEVER'S WORKING THERE,

THE WAITERS, WAITRESSES AND STUFF.

AND...

AND THEN YOU'RE ON A PLANE OR A CAR

OR TRAIN THE NEXT DAY.

[GILBERT GOTTFRIED] THERE WERE PLACES

CLUBS AND ENTIRE CITIES

I SWEAR I'VE NEVER BEEN TO

AND THEN I GET TO THE CLUB

AND I SEE I'VE SIGNED THEIR WALL.

AND THAT'S THE WAY I KNOW I'VE BEEN THERE.

[JEFF JOSEPH] THIS THOUGHT COMES TO YOU

WHICH IS, I'M INSANE.

I'M GOING TO A PLACE I'VE NEVER BEEN,

TO A TOWN I'VE NEVER BEEN,

AND I THINK I CAN MAKE THESE PEOPLE LAUGH.

I THINK THAT WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON.

IT SEEMS CRAZY.

THE HARDEST PART ABOUT THE ROAD

IS JUST FEELING DISORIENTED.

AND IF YOU'RE NOT CAREFUL,

THAT SLIGHT FEELING OF WHERE AM I?

WHAT AM I DOING? WHAT AM I CONNECTED TO?

THAT SLIGHT FEELING,

CAN GET A LOT WORSE.

[RICK] YOU'LL HAVE SOME GLAMOUR GIGS,

SOME VEGASIE GIGS.

THEN YOU'LL HAVE JUST SOME BRUTAL ROAD STUFF

WHERE THEY DIDN'T ADVERTISE RIGHT

AND THE OWNER'S LIKE, "OH, MAN, SORRY ABOUT THE SMALL CROWDS,

BUT THE GUN SHOW IS KILLIN' US THIS WEEK."

[KIRA] THEN YOU GOTTA GET UP ONSTAGE,

AND IT'S IN A BAR

WHERE THEY TURN OFF THE TV

AS IT'S THE BOTTOM OF THE NINTH OF THE WORLD SERIES.

AND THEY SAY, "ARE YOU READY FOR STAND UP?"

AND EVERYONE SCREAMS, "BOO!

TURN THE TV'S BACK ON!

IT'S THE BOTTOM OF THE NINTH OF THE WORLD SERIES."

ARE YOU READY FOR A CHICK THAT'S OVULATING

AND SHE'S MOODY AND CRANKY?

AND THEN YOU'RE FINALLY DONE

AND THEY HAND YOU A CHECK AND YOU GO,

[INHALES DEEPLY] "ALL RIGHT,

I'LL DO IT AGAIN TOMORROW."

[KEENEN] YOU ALWAYS WANT TO BE IN AN ENVIRONMENT

WHERE PEOPLE ARE COMING TO SEE YOU.

THERE USED TO BE A STRIP CLUB IN ALASKA CALLED PJ'S.

THIS IS WHEN THEY WERE BUILDING THE ALASKAN PIPELINE.

NOW YOUR AUDIENCE WERE A BUNCH OF,

A GROUP OF MEN.

FIRST OF ALL, IN ALASKA,

YOU CAN CARRY A GUN, LIKE ON YOUR HIP.

IN ADDITION TO THAT,

THEY HAVE BEEN IN THE ALASKAN WILDERNESS

WORKING FOR SIX MONTHS.

THEY HAVE NOT SEEN WOMEN AT ALL.

THEY COME TO THIS PLACE,

THEY'VE GOT MONEY LIKE THIS

AND A BAG OF COKE,

TWO GUNS ON THEIR HIPS.

THAT'S WHO YOU'RE PLAYING TO.

AND THEN THEY ANNOUNCE YOU

INSTEAD OF SPRINKLES.

YOU TALK ABOUT HOSTILE.

THAT WAS A HOSTILE AUDIENCE.

THE SECOND YOU WALK ONSTAGE, THEY ARE JUDGING YOU.

THEY ARE JUDGING YOU.

AND IF THEY FIND SOMETHING THEY DON'T LIKE,

SAY YOU HAVE ON MITCH-MAX SOCKS

THAT COULD BE THE DEATH OF YOUR STAND UP NIGHT.

LOOK AT YOU WITH YOUR LITTLE MITCH-MAX SOCKS.

LIKE YOU GET, PEOPLE HAVE NO FILTER.

IT'S NOT LIKE, YOU KNOW,

WHEN YOU GO TO THE OPERA OR WHATEVER

AND I DON'T GO TO THE OPERA OFTEN,

BUT I SUSPECT

THERE'S NOT A LOT OF HECKLING AT THE OPERA.

YOU CALL THAT FALSETTO, MOTHERFUCKER?

THAT AIN'T FALSETTO.

THAT'S WHACK!

THERE'S NO OTHER FORM OF PUBLIC SPEAKING

THAT HAS HECKLERS.

YOU NEVER SEE ANYBODY HECKLING TED TALKS, DO YOU?

YOU'VE NEVER WATCHED A TED TALK AND BE LIKE,

WHAT IF I TOLD YOU I DEVISED A WAY

TO FEED EVERY CHILD ON THIS...

FUCK YOU, DORK! WHO SAID THAT?

[CREW LAUGHING]

FRIDAY, SECOND SHOW IS ALWAYS A SLAP DOWN SHOW.

BECAUSE FIRST SHOW THEY'RE NOT DRUNK ENOUGH

TO BE MEAN ABOUT HOW MUCH THEY HATED THEIR WORK WEEK,

BUT BY SECOND SHOW, FUCK WHOEVER IS ONSTAGE.

YOU'RE IN FOR A BEATIN', MAN.

THEY, AND THEY HATE YOU 'CAUSE YOU'RE WELL LIT,

YOU'RE SLIGHTLY ELEVATED FROM 'EM,

AND THEIR SUBCONSCIOUS JUST SWITCHES YOU WITH THE BOSS.

AND NOW THEY'RE SHOUTIN' AT THE FUCKIN' BOSS,

AND YOU'RE BABYSITTING, YOU KNOW?

I CAN NEVER HEAR WHAT HECKLERS ARE SAYING.

I JUST RESPOND WILDLY TO 'EM.

AND THEY MAY BE SAYING, "OH, BILLY, I LOVE YOU."

I SAY, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

I DON'T REALLY LIKE THEM AS A SPECIES.

YOU KNOW, BECAUSE IT'S LIKE...

ALL THAT STUFF ABOUT WARMING THE AUDIENCE UP

AND ALL THAT STUFF THAT PEOPLE TALK ABOUT,

AND IF YOU DO IT KIND OF UNCONSCIOUSLY,

YOU START A CERTAIN WAY, YOU BUILD UP.

BUT WHAT YOU DO IS YOU,

THERE'S 3,000 PEOPLE IN THE ROOM OR MAYBE 400 OR 200,

WHATEVER NUMBER THERE IS,

YOU GET IT TO ONE.

YOU GET THEM ALL INTO ONE BIG FOREHEAD.

AND, AND SO I JUST SPEAK TO THE FOREHEADS,

AND IT'S ONE BIG FOREHEAD IN THE ROOM.

BUT WHEN THE HECKLER, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

VAROOM-VAROOM! BECOME 3,000 AGAIN.

AND I HAVE TO GO, GATHER, GATHER, GATHER GATHER, GATHER,

GET THEM ALL IN LIKE A SHEPPARD.

AND THEN, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. AND THEY ALL GO,

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

AND, [DEFLATING NOISE]

I'LL END UP DOING THE TUNNEL CLUB IN LONDON,

WHICH, OF COURSE, WAS NOTORIOUS.

NOW LONG, UH, SINCE DEFUNKED.

BUT THAT WAS LIKE A BAPTISM OF FIRE,

THAT WAS A RITE OF PASSAGE.

BUT I DID IT,

AND THEY LITERALLY, UH, THREW CHAIRS AT YOU.

AND, UM, UH, YEAH, CHAIRS.

I THINK CHAIRS WAS LIKE, UH,

MEANT THEY QUITE LIKED YOU, 'CAUSE THEY WORE GLASSES.

CHAIR, 'CAUSE YOU, YOU COULD DODGE A CHAIR

AND, THAT WAS ACTUALLY, OH, THEY'RE,

THEY'RE ONLY THROWING CHAIRS.

I MIGHT BE ABLE TO, YOU KNOW, WIN THEM OVER.

THERE'S A MAN ABOUT 65 YEARS OF AGE

WEARING A SUIT AND A TIE, GRAY HAIR.

I THOUGHT, YOU'RE NOT MY TYPICAL AUDIENCE.

HE'S GOT HIS HAND UP LIKE THIS, AND I WENT,

"YES, SIR?" HE WENT, "SCUSE ME, JESTER."

I'M LIKE, "JESTER?" WELL, OKAY.

IT'S GONNA BE LIKE THAT, IS IT? I SAID, "YES."

HE WENT, "I'VE GOT A QUESTION FOR YA."

AND I WAS LIKE, OKAY, IT'S NEAR THE END OF THE SHOW.

"WHAT'S YOUR QUESTION, SIR?"

AND WITHOUT SKIPPING A BEAT, HE JUST WENT,

"IS THERE ANY TRUTH IN THE RUMOR

THAT BLACK MEN DON'T GO DOWN ON THEIR WOMEN?"

[CREW LAUGHING]

THE WHOLE AUDIENCE...

AND I WAS LIKE, I WAS LIKE,

"HOLD ON, I'LL CALL THE OTHERS."

I'M... I STOP.

"WINSTON, IS LEROY THERE?

AND I GO, UH,

ANYBODY HERE, UH, CELEBRATE HANUKKAH?

AND A GUY IN THE BACK YELLS OUT,

"HEY! YOU'RE A JEW?"

AND I GO, "YEA, YEAH."

AND HE GOES, "WHAT ROOM ARE YOU STAYIN' IN?"

[CREW LAUGHING]

AND I GO, "UH, EXCUSE ME."

AND HE GOES, "I SAID,

'WHAT ROOM ARE YOU STAYIN' IN, JEW?'"

I GO, "A DIFFERENT ONE."

ALL RIGHT.

I DID A ROOM IN NEW YORK FOUR YEARS AGO

IN A BASEMENT INCREDIBLY, UH, DARK,

NOT A LOT OF LIGHTING,

AND ALL BLACK PEOPLE.

AND I HADN'T EVEN BARELY SAID ANYTHING.

AND A KID IN THE AUDIENCE GOES,

"YO, ARE YOU SCARED?"

AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE.

I WAS SCARED.

AND A GUY IN THE FRONT ROW GETS A PHONE CALL.

ANSWERS HIS PHONE CALL,

EVERYONE CAN HEAR IT RING, BY THE WAY.

AND ANSWERS IT LIKE HE'S IN A HELICOPTER.

"YEAH! YEAH, I'M JUST HERE!

UH, YANKEE DOODLES! IT'S A BAR!

YEAH, THERE'S A CHICK ONSTAGE!

OH, MY GOD! IT'S PAINFUL!"

-AND I'M... -[CREW LAUGHING]

I MEAN, MY MICROPHONE

IS PICKING UP HIS ENTIRE CONVERSATION,

HE'S SO CLOSE TO THE STAGE.

AND I IMMEDIATELY LEAN INTO THIS GUY,

I JUST GO FOR HIM,

AND HE GIVES ME THE FINGER, HE FLIPS ME OFF,

AND FOR SOME REASON, THAT WAS IT.

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

I DON'T KNOW WHY THE FINGER.

I FUCKIN' LOST IT.

THERE WAS A GUY WHO PUNCHED ME ONSTAGE.

YEAH, IN BRISBANE.

HE SAID, I'LL NEVER FORGET HIM, HE SAID,

"MY WIFE'S EARS ARE NOT GARBAGE CANS."

I HAD TOLD SOME RISQUÉ STORY,

AND HE CAME ON, AND HE OBVIOUSLY THOUGHT

MY CHIN CAME TO THE END OF MY BEARD,

'CAUSE I HAD A BIG LONG BEARD,

AND HE WENT LIKE THAT TO MY BEARD.

AND I SAID, "IS THAT THE BEST YOU CAN DO?"

AND HE SAID, "NO." AND NUTTED ME, BOOM!

AND I WENT ON MY ASS.

AND I WAS IN, UM, YOU KNOW,

LITTLE ROCK, ARKANSAS, AND A DUDE CALLED ME

THE 'N' WORD, LIKE, FROM THE STAGE,

FROM THE BACK OF THE STAGE, ROWDY.

YOU KNOW, HE WAS DRUNK AND BELLIGERENT.

BUT IT WAS THE KIND OF THING THAT IT, YOU KNOW,

IT, IT, IT MADE ME SO MAD

THAT I WAS OFF MY SHOW.

LIKE, I COULD NOT GET BACK TO FUNNY.

LIKE THE CLUB OWNER GO, "HEY, WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?

YOU KNOW, JESUS. I MEAN, COME ON.

DO A JOKE BACK AT HIM. CALL HIM SOMETHIN' BUT DON'T...

CAN'T STOP THE SHOW.

HELL, AREN'T YOU A NIGGER?

JESUS."

LIKE, WHOA. WHOA.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M JUST GONNA WRAP MY STUFF UP

AND GET ON OUTTA HERE, GUYS.

YOU KNOW, LIKE THIS IS NOT GOIN' WELL.

I THOUGHT I HAD AN ALLY.

AS MUCH AS I WANTED TO HAVE TO BE THE VICTIM IN THIS SITUATION,

IN THE WORLD OF COMEDY,

IT WAS BASICALLY SAYING THAT WAS UNACCEPTABLE.

LIKE, YOU COULD NOT COWER OUT

EVEN TO THIS GUYS IGNORANCE

AND HIS RUDE RACIAL BEHAVIOR.

YOU'RE LIKE, YOU HAVE TO DECIDE TO DO SOMETHING

THAT'S GONNA BE THE COMEDIAN IN THIS SITUATION.

SEE, WHEN YOU HECKLE ME,

YOU'RE TRYING TO HURT MY FEELINGS.

JUST KNOW, I'M DEAD ON THE INSIDE.

I'M, THIS IS BURNT WOOD, MAN.

I'VE BEEN DOING COMEDY FOR 16 YEARS.

MY SOUL HAS BEEN GANGBANGED BY CLOWNS. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

LIKE, IT IS DEAD, AND IT IS GONE.

THERE'S NOTHING LEFT IN HERE FOR YOU TO HURT.

IT'S OVER.

AS SOMEONE THAT DOESN'T LOOK,

UM, LIKE, YOU KNOW,

A KIND OF GORGEOUS MODEL-TYPE,

UM, YOU GET USED, UH, IN THE STREETS,

TO WALKING ALONG AND GETTIN' ABUSED OF PEOPLE

OUT OF CARS AND OUT OF VANS, YOU KNOW.

AND THE THING ABOUT COMEDY

WAS THEY'RE RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOU.

AND SO I'D SORT OF BEEN STORING IT OUT

FOR QUITE A LONG TIME, I THINK,

WANTING TO HAVE A GO BACK AT THEM.

AND, UM, I FOUND IT, LIKE, REALLY, ENJOYABLE.

I DON'T LIKE HECKLERS,

BUT I'M FASCINATED BY THEM.

AND, YOU KNOW, I DON'T HAVE, LIKE, BITS FOR HECKLERS,

BUT I JUST LOVE GOING IN AND TALKING TO,

GIVING THEM THE ATTENTION THAT THEY NEED SO BADLY.

AND TALKING ABOUT IT, YOU KNOW,

AND WHERE THAT COMES FROM,

AND HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

YOU KNOW, HOW CAN I MAKE YOU

FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF?

ANOTHER, I THINK, WAY OF CONTROLLING A ROOM,

WHICH, AGAIN, CAN LEAD TO FANTASTIC DEATHS,

BUT REALLY ENJOYABLE ONES,

IS TO TREAT ABUSIVE HECKLERS

AS IF THEY WERE GENUINE INQUIRIES.

FROM THE SIMPLE ONE, LIKE, "WHY DON'T YOU FUCK OFF?"

TO ANSWER THAT IN TERMS

OF YOU'RE CONTRACTUALLY OBLIGED TO STAY THERE.

YOU HAVE FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITIES

OVER AND ABOVE, OR ONGOING

WITH MORTGAGE, FAMILY,

AND THERE IS A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF TIME

THAT YOU'RE REQUIRED TO FULFILL.

UM, TO TREAT THINGS AS GENUINE ENQUIRIES.

AND, UM, AND THAT, THAT,

AND ACTUALLY TO ANSWER THEM AT SUCH LENGTH

THAT THE PEOPLE REGRET HAVING ASKED THE QUESTION IN THE FIRST PLACE.

USUALLY IT'D BE LIKE MAYBE THREE BACK-AND-FORTH'S,

AND THEN I COULD SHUT IT DOWN, THEY USUALLY SHUT UP.

BUT IF THEY DON'T SHUT UP,

AND THEY'RE LIKE PROBABLY REALLY DRUNK OR WHATEVER,

THEN I INVITE THEM TO THE STAGE.

SO WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME UP HERE?

WHY DON'T YOU COME ON UP HERE?

ONLY ONE TIME HAVE I HAD A HECKLER

ACTUALLY COME UP TO THE STAGE AND I HAND HIM MY MIKE,

I SAID, "TELL A JOKE NOW. TELL A JOKE."

AND THEN I RAN DOWN INTO THE AUDIENCE AND SAT DOWN,

AND THEY STARTED TELLING THEIR JOKE,

AND I STARTED HECKLING THEM ALL THROUGH THEIR JOKE.

I WAS LIKE, "HEARD THAT! THAT'S STUPID!

YOU DIDN'T SAY THAT WORD RIGHT."

LIKE I HECKLE THEM AFTER THEIR JOKE.

AND THEN I CAME IN, THE AUDIENCE IS BUSTING UP LAUGHING.

AND THEN I COME BACK TO THE STAGE.

"SO HOW DOES IT FEEL? HOW DID IT FEEL?

DO YOU FEEL REALLY FUNNY NOW?"

DO YOU FEEL LIKE YOU CAN DO ANYTHING?"

THEY'RE LIKE, "HEY, THAT WAS MESSED UP.

THAT WAS REAL FUCKED UP YOU WAS DOIN' THAT."

SO, OH, SO YOU DON'T LIKE IT WHEN IT'S DONE TO YOU?

"DO ONTO OTHERS AS YOU WANT THEM TO DO TO YOU."

GET YOUR ASS OFF MY STAGE.

AUDIENCE ARE LAUGHING, ABOUT 600 PEOPLE,

EVERYONE'S LAUGHING.

THERE'S A TABLE HERE WITH TWO MEN

WHO AREN'T LAUGHING, THEY'RE IN THE FRONT.

THEY'RE IN MY EYE LINE.

NOW I'M LIKE, I'M GONNA MAKE...

AND I DON'T KNOW WHY I SAID IT OUT LOUD,

I WENT, "YOU KNOW WHAT, GUYS?

I'M GONNA MAKE YOU LAUGH IF IT KILLS ME."

THEY'RE LAUGHING. DOING SOMETHING AGAIN.

THEY'RE LAUGHING. I'M LIKE,

"MATE, WHY AREN'T YOU LAUGHING?" HE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.

THE GUY NEXT TO HIM SAID THIS AND IT'S A QUOTE,

"MATE, HE DOESN'T TALK TO NIGGERS."

IT'S WHAT HE SAID. RIGHT?

AND THIS IS IN THE NAUGHTIES THIS WAS, 2007 OR SOMETHING.

AND THE WHOLE AUDIENCE WAS LIKE, [GASPS]!

AND I SAID, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT?

THIS COTTON PICKIN' GRASS CHEWING NIGGER

WANTS TO TALK TO YOU.

I DON'T CARE IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SPEAK TO ME.

AND BY THE WAY, WHO ARE YOU,

THE MOUTHPIECE OF THE NON-NIGGER SPEAKER?

YOU KNOW, THE WHOLE AUDIENCE...

AND I JUST, AND I NEVER NORMALLY LOSE IT ONSTAGE

BUT THAT-- GLOVES ARE OFF.

AND EVERY SINGLE BIT OF ARSENAL IN MY HEAD WAS LIKE,

BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG!

THE AUDIENCE ARE PISSIN' THEMSELVES.

AND PEOPLE AROUND THAT TABLE WERE SORT OF DOIN' THAT,

AND I'M GOING, BANG, BANG.

AND THEN AT THE END OF IT I WENT, "YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'LL TELL YOU WHO'S GOT THE POWER.

THIS NIGGER WANTS YOU OUT. FUCKIN' GET OUT."

AND THE WHOLE AUDIENCE, "OUT! OUT! OUT! OUT!"

[SAM] I CONSIDER THIS THE GREATEST HECKLE KILL OF ALL TIME.

I WAS DOING THIS SHOW IN PHOENIX, ARIZONA.

AND I TALK ABOUT THE TIME

I GOT MY ASS KICKED BY MY GIRLFRIEND.

AND SUDDENLY IN THE BACK I HEAR, "JOKE THIEF!"

I GO, "WHAT?" AND SHE,

THIS CHICK IN THE BACK GOES, "YOU'RE A JOKE THIEF."

AND I LOOK BACK AND THERE'S THIS LITTLE DESERT RAT.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE BEEN TO PHOENIX, ARIZONA,

BUT THEY BEEN IN THE SUN TOO FUCKING LONG.

IT'S THE WORST COMBINATION OF METH AND SUN

YOU'LL EVER MEET IN YOUR LIFE.

JUST TALKING BACON, NOBODY'S GOT TEETH.

THIS GUY IN THE FRONT ROW IS LAUGHING AT EVERYTHING,

AND EVERY TIME HE'D LAUGH-- HE'S GOT NO TEETH--

HE'S LAUGHING. I FEEL LIKE I'M GETTING CHASED BY PAC-MAN.

I LOOK IN THAT BACK, THERE'S THIS FUCKIN' DESERT RAT

ABOUT 4'2" TALL BUT BIG TITS,

SHE'S LIKE A TIT MIDGET,

JUST GIANT BIG OLE BITTY TITTIES

ON THIS LIKE LITTLE CHICK, BUT SHE'S SITTING ON

THIS GIANT, WHITE ORANGUTAN,

THIS HUGE WHITE SUPREMACIST, FUCKIN' DUDE

WHO LOOKS LIKE HE THOUGHT LIKE

"AMERICAN HISTORY X" WAS A COMEDY.

LIKE A GIANT FUCKIN' ANGRY, LIKE, SAS--

WHITE ALBINO SASQUATCH.

I GO, "LADY, WHAT'RE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" THAT'S A REAL STORY.

I GOT THE SCARS TO PROVE IT."

SHE GOES, "NO, THAT'S JOE ROGAN'S JOKE."

NOW THE ROOM IS QUIET.

I GO, "OKAY, HOW 'BOUT THIS?

I'LL CALL JOE AND IF HE SAYS IT'S HIS JOKE,

I'LL QUIT COMEDY.

IF HE SAYS IT'S NOT HIS JOKE,

YOU HAVE TO COME UP HERE

AND LET PAC-MAN MOTORBOAT THEM TITS, OKAY?"

[CREW LAUGHING]

SHE'S LIKE, "GO AND DO IT, BUT YOU WON'T

'CAUSE YOU'RE A JOKE THIEF." SO I'M LIKE, OKAY.

I CALL JOE. IT'S A FRIDAY NIGHT.

THE PHONE RINGS. HE DOESN'T ANSWER.

I GO, "HE DIDN'T ANSWER." "'COURSE HE DIDN'T,

'CAUSE YOU'RE A FUCKING JOKE THIEF."

SUDDENLY THE PHONE RINGS, AND IT'S JOE ROGAN.

SO I ANSWER THE PHONE, I PUT IT ON SPEAKERPHONE.

I'M LIKE, "JOE, WHAT'S UP?"

HE'S LIKE, "WHAT'S UP, TRIPOLI, YOU SAVAGE?"

I'M LIKE, "JOE, DO YOU DO A JOKE

ABOUT GETTING YOUR ASS KICKED BY YOUR GIRLFRIEND?"

HE'S LIKE, "NO, MAN! I'M JOE ROGAN.

I DON'T FUCKIN' GET MY ASS KICKED BY ANYBODY."

I GO, "JOE, YOU'RE THE BEST." I HANG UP.

I'M LIKE, "HEY, SWEETIE,

TIME TO PAY THE TOLL TO THE TROLL."

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

SHE'S LIKE, "FUCK YOU. YOU'RE A PIECE OF SHIT."

AND SHE STARTS SCREAMING AT ME, SCREAMING AT ME.

I'M LIKE, "LADY, CALM THE FUCK-- IT'S A COMEDY SHOW."

I DON'T KNOW WHERE THIS OTHER CHICK JUMPS UP AND SHE GOES,

"I THINK HE'S FUNNY." AND JUST, WHACK!

DROPS THIS BIG TITTY BITCH.

[CREW LAUGHING]

I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO 45 MINUTES THAT NIGHT,

I'M 20 MINUTES INTO THIS SET, I'M LIKE,

THAT'S THE BEST WE GET. I GOTTA CALL IT A NIGHT."

GOOD NIGHT, DUDE.

[CEDRIC] THE AUDIENCE IS A GROUP OF WILD HORSES.

THEY'RE COMING IN FROM ALL WALKS OF LIFE.

THEY'RE IN THERE AND THERE'S ALL KINDS OF STUFF IS GOIN' ON.

YOU KNOW, UNTIL WHEN YOU WALK OUT ONSTAGE

THE ONLY THING YOU CAN DO IS, LIKE,

GRAB THE REIGNS AND JUST TRY TO RIDE IT,

LIKE, JUST TOTALLY JUST TRY TO LIKE GET IT.

LIKE, YAH, EVERYBODY GET IN LINE.

YAH! YAH! LIKE, LISTEN TO ME. I'M THE GUY.

BECAUSE IF YOU START TO LET PEOPLE KINDA GO OFF ON THEIR OWN,

NEXT THING YOU KNOW,

THIS GROUP IS OVER HERE CHATTERING.

NOW THESE PEOPLE WANNA TALK TO THEM.

SOMEBODY TELLS THAT GUY TO SHUT UP.

THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW,

YOU DON'T HAVE THE ROOM AT ALL.

LIKE, AND IT'S THAT FAST.

OH, MAN, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW LONG YOU'VE BEEN DOING STAND UP COMEDY.

WHETHER YOU'VE BEEN DOING IT FOR TWO YEARS OR 25 YEARS

OR 30 YEARS,

YOU ARE NEVER EXEMPT FROM A BAD NIGHT, NEVER.

DOESN'T MATTER WHO YOU ARE.

YOU, WE, THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF COMEDY IS THAT

YOU'RE NOT GUARANTEED TO KILL.

YOU KNOW THAT MOMENT AFTER A BOXER

SORT OF GETS PUNCHED THAT HE WASN'T EXPECTING

AND SORT OF HAS A LITTLE STUMBLE.

WELL, THAT'S THE SAME AS A COMIC

WHEN YOU DON'T GET A LAUGH THAT YOU WERE EXPECTING.

OH, GOD, WHAT'S HAPPENED THERE?

AND A BLOKE IN THE SECOND ROW, HE GOES,

"YOU CAN GO ON IF YOU WANT, SON."

AND I REMEMBER THINKING,

THAT IS WORSE THAN BEING CALLED A TWAT.

LIKE THAT IS WORSE THAN SOMEONE SAYING, "FUCK OFF."

LIKE IT'S THE WORST THING, A NICE, LIKE A NICE,

LIKE HE'S PUTTING ME OUT OF MY MISERY.

HE'S NOT EVEN, HE'S NOT A NASTY BLOKE.

HE'S ACTUALLY A NICE MAN,

SAYING, I CAN'T, AS A HUMAN BEING,

I CAN'T WATCH ANYMORE OF THIS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

AS A MAN WHO, WHO HAS HUMANS IN MY LIFE

THAT I LOVE

I CAN'T WATCH THIS TRAIN CRASH.

WHEN YOU HEAR IN THE BACK OF A ROOM SOMEBODY GO,

[WHISTLE SOUND DESCENDING]

[IMITATING EXPLOSION]

UGH.

IT'S SO MEAN.

IT'S SO FUCKING MEAN.

AND ALSO THE FACT THAT IT'S A VERY LIGHT SOUND

AND IF YOU CAN HEAR IT,

THAT IS A TESTAMENT TO THE SILENCE IN THE ROOM.

IT'S SO BRUTAL.

I'VE HAD 500 PEOPLE IN A ROOM

AND IT'S BEEN GOING SO BADLY

AND IT WAS SO MUCH SILENCE,

THAT AT THE BACK OF THE ROOM I HEARD,

-"TUT." THAT WAS IT. -[CREW LAUGHING]

JUST, "TUT."

AND IT JUST WAFTED ALL ACROSS THE ROOM.

ONE TUT. "TUT."

HORRIBLE.

IT'S LIKE THE CLICK OF A GUN, [CLICKS TONGUE].

YOU KNOW WHAT'S COMING NEXT. [CLICKS TONGUE]

I REMEMBER AND OLD LADY

WALKED TO THE FRONT OF THE STAGE AND SAID,

"WHY, WHY DON'T YOU GO AWAY?"

IT WASN'T EVEN A HECKLE.

I DON'T THINK SHE HAD THE STRENGTH TO HECKLE.

AND I SAID TO HER, I REMEMBER,

"WELL, YOU'LL NEVER SEE ANOTHER STRAWBERRY SEASON ANYWAY."

AND THERE WAS BOOING FROM THE CROWD.

I MEAN, EVERYTHING I DID.

I LOOKED TO THE WINGS.

THERE WAS THE DEEJAY, THE OWNER OF THE CLUB

AND THAT GOES, AT THAT TIME, CALLING HIMSELF MY AGENT,

GOING, "COME OFF. COME OFF."

AND I WAS THINKING, NOW THE NEXT, THE NEXT GUY WILL TURN IT ROUND.

ONE NIGHT, UH,

JIM NORTON THREW A PHONE BOOK AT ME

AT THE BOSTON COMEDY CLUB.

HE THROWS IT.

I'M BOMBING,

"OH, I'M SICK OF THIS!" HE THROWS A PHONE BOOK.

"SOMEBODY CALL ANYBODY OUTTA THAT BOOK

TO GET HIM OFF STAGE.

ANYBODY."

THE CROWD'S LAUGHING.

I JUST REMEMBER LOOKING AT THE PHONE BOOK,

PICKING IT UP AND, "THANK YOU. GOOD NIGHT."

I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO 20 MINUTES.

I DID TWO.

'CAUSE I WALKED OUT THERE, I BLACKED OUT,

AND APPARENTLY ONSTAGE I WENT,

"[BABBLING]."

THAT'S ALL PEOPLE HEARD.

AND THEN I RAN, I DIDN'T SAY GOODNIGHT, I RAN OFFSTAGE,

AND THEN I BLACKED-OUT AND I WOKE UP,

YOU KNOW, IN A WHITE-LIKE GREEN ROOM

THAT WAS BRIGHTLY LIT,

AND MY AGENTS, THEY'RE LAUGHING.

I HAVE NO SHIRT ON, I HAD BEEN CRYING,

AND THEY'RE LIKE, "WHAT HAP--"

I GO, "WHAT HAPPENED?" THEY GO, "YOU WALKED UP ONSTAGE

AND YOU JUST START GOING, [BABBLING].

YOU KNOW?

AND I GO, "WHY? WHY DID I DO THAT?"

BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED WAS I STARTED EATING IT AND I,

THIS WAS THE FIRST TIME AND THE LAST TIME

IT'S EVER HAPPENED, WHERE LIKE,

A SENSE OF LIKE, MY BODY WENT,

"YOU HAVE TO PROTECT YOURSELF,

BECAUSE YOU CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS."

THIS IS LIKE BEING RAPED, LIKE, IN PRISON.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU KNOW, IF I WAS EVER RAPED IN PRISON,

I WOULD NEVER TALK ABOUT IT AND I WOULD SAY THAT,

"PEOPLE, I WAS NEVER RAPED. THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN."

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

BECAUSE YOUR BODY, YOU CAN'T,

THE, THE, THE, YOU KNOW, THE HUMILIATION

IS TOO MUCH FOR THE HUMAN MIND TO DEAL WITH.

A REAL BOO, IT USUALLY START OFF LIKE,

YOU HEAR ONE PERSON LIKE, "Y-ARRR."

AND THEN YOU HEAR ANOTHER BROTHER SAY,

"BOO!"

AND THEN IT'S QUIET,

AND THEY GIVE YOU ANOTHER JOKE.

AND THEN YOU HEAR,

"OH! GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE."

NOW, HERE COMES EVERYBODY.

Y-ARRR! BOO!

UUUHHH!

BOO!

[IMITATING NOISY CROWD]

GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE, BITCH!

[CROWD NOISE]

BOO!

NEXT!

BOO!

I WAS LIKE, "WOW. I DIDN'T EVEN SAY NUTHIN'."

THEN I WAS LIKE, "IT'S MY BIRTHDAY." "BOO!"

THEY BOOED ME HARDER BECAUSE IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY.

I THOUGHT THAT WAS RUDE.

I HEARD THIS CHANT START OF, "OFF! OFF! OFF!"

AND I, YOU KNOW,

WHEN YOU LOOK TO THE RIGHT LIKE THAT, SCORSESE ZOOMS,

SOMEONE GOING, "OFF! OFF!"

YOU LOOK AT SOMEONE ELSE GOING, "OFF! OFF!"

I LOOK TO THE BACK AND MY WIFE WAS THERE,

SHE WAS GOING, "OFF! OFF! OFF!"

AND I CAME OFF AND SAID, "WHAT WERE YOU DOING?"

SHE GOES, "I STARTED THIS CHANT BECAUSE YOU WOULDN'T COME OFF."

AND I THOUGHT, "LET'S GO FOR DINNER. IT'S NOT WORKING."

SO SHE STARTED THE CHANT.

500 PEOPLE IN THIS AUDIENCE AT CHRISTMAS

WAS JUST GOING, "FUCK OFF! FUCK OFF! FUCK OFF!"

AND I WAS LIKE, "UH."

AND ALL I CAN SAY WAS, "BUT IT'S CHRISTMAS."

AND THAT'S ALL I HAD.

"BUT IT'S, IT'S CHRISTMAS."

LIKE PEOPLE CARE.

"FUCK OFF!" UH, IT WAS HORRIBLE.

YOU WALKIN' OFF THE STAGE AND YOU WALKIN' TOWARDS THE ROOM

AND YOU STILL HEAR, [CROWD NOISES].

AND THEN THEY'RE LAUGHIN' 'CAUSE SOMEBODY

SAID SOMETHIN' THAT'S FUNNY ABOUT SOMEONE.

[CROWD LAUGHING] AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN,

THE HOST THAT GOES OUT ON THE STAGE,

HE SAYS SOMETHING FUCKED UP ABOUT YOU,

'CAUSE THE CROWD'S JUST DYIN' LAUGHIN'.

IT WAS LIKE, OH SHIT. I'M LIKE, "DAMN."

* MM, MM, MMM, MMM *

[LAUGHS] AND IT'S THE SLOWEST

YOU KNOW, LIKE,

COWBOY WALK OFF, LIKE EVERYTHING IS HAPPENIN' IN SLOW MOTION.

YOU CAN JUST SEE, LIKE, PEOPLE LOOKIN' AT YOU LIKE,

"YEAH, MOTHERFUCKER."

YOU GET, YOU KNOW, IT'S THE WHOLE ROOM,

EVERYTHING IN SLOW MOTION, LIKE, YOU KNOW,

THE MIKE CORD IS LIKE, [DRAGGING SOUND]."

[CROWD CHATTER]

I STARTED DOIN' THE JOKES AND I COULD FEEL THAT THING WHEREAS A COMIC YOU START TRYING

TO SPEED UP THE MATERIAL.

AND THEN AFTER 30 MORE SECONDS OF THAT

YOU REALIZE, "OH, SHIT. I'M IN TROUBLE."

AND SHORTLY AFTER THAT I REALIZE,

I AM BOMBING. RIGHT?

AND I DIDN'T HAVE THE WHEREWITHAL

TO BE ABLE TO EMBRACE THE BOMB.

I DIDN'T HAVE THE TOOLS

TO BE ABLE TO SILENCE THE HECKLERS.

AND THEN AFTER, MAYBE, TWO OR THREE PEOPLE,

GOT, YOU KNOW, SAY, OH, WE CAN CONTROL THIS. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THE CROWD REALIZES THAT, "WE'RE PART OF THE SHOW, TOO.

SO IF THIS GUY ISN'T GIVING US WHAT WE WANT,

THEN, FUCK, WE'LL GIVE OURSELVES WHAT WE WANT

WHICH IS TO GET HIS ASS OFF STAGE.

AND THEN IT JUST, THE SURROUND SOUND KICKED IN.

THEY STARTED BOOING, AND THERE'S, YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE...

AND IT WAS THE ONLY TIME WHERE I PHYSICALLY

PUT THE MICROPHONE BACK IN THE MIKE STAND

AND SAID, "THIS IS TOO MUCH FOR ME."

AND I TOOK, IT LITERALLY CRUSHED ME

TO TAKE, THAT IS A LOT.

TO PUT IT BACK?

AND, MAN!

NOW THINKING ABOUT IT.

SHIT.

SO...

IT'S FUNNY.

UM...

BERNIE MAC WENT OUT...

AND, THIS DUDE WAS SO GRACIOUS.

HE WENT OUT AND TOLD THE AUDIENCE THAT, YOU KNOW,

THAT I WAS A GREAT COMIC.

MADE ME COME BACK OUT, MADE THEM GIVE ME

A ROUND OF APPLAUSE.

AND, UH, IT WAS FUNNY.

THERE IS ACTUALLY A FUNNY PART TO THIS STORY.

SO HOPEFULLY I CAN GET TO IT.

BUT...

THE SHOW WAS OVER.

THE, THE, OKAY, I'LL GET TO THE FUNNY PART

'CAUSE IT'LL MAKE THIS EASIER TO TELL.

ON THE SIDE OF THE STAGE IS RICHARD DENT, BO JACKSON,

AND MICHAEL JORDAN.

FUCK! YOUR LIFE!

IT'S MICHAEL FUCKIN' JORDAN

YOU JUST GOT BOOED OFFSTAGE IN FRONT OF, MOTHERFUCKER!

AH! RIGHT?

AND SO, AFTER THE SHOW,

UH...

YOU KNOW, THE SHOW, THE REST OF THE WAS GREAT.

YOU KNOW, THE REST OF THE SHOW WAS PHENOMENAL.

RIGHT?

AND SO AFTER THE SHOW,

ALL OF THE OTHER COMICS,

THERE'S ALL OF THIS GREAT ENERGY

AND THEY'RE ALL TALKING TO MICHAEL JORDAN.

AND, YOU KNOW,

HIGH-FIVIN' AND THERE'S LAUGHTER GOIN' ON.

AND I'M OFF IN THE CORNER BEHIND THE THEATER CURTAIN,

LIKE, PEEKIN' OUT LIKE THIS,

YOU KNOW, THINKIN' TO MYSELF,

MR. MICHAEL JORDAN DON'T WANNA MEET ME.

I GOT BOOED. RIGHT?

AND SO I STAYED AWAY. RIGHT?

I GOT ROBBED OF AN OPPORTUNITY TO HAVE THIS GREAT EXPERIENCE

WITH, YOU KNOW, ARGUABLY

THE GREATEST BASKETBALL PLAYER IN HISTORY

AND THESE OTHER WONDERFUL PEOPLE.

AND HERE'S THE KICKER.

THAT WAS THE FIRST SHOW.

THERE WAS A SECOND SHOW THAT NIGHT.

SO IMAGINE WHAT THE EXPERIENCE IS

THAT YOU HAVE TO GO OUT

AND DO ANOTHER SHOW AFTER THAT.

[PAUL] IT'S LIKE, THERE'S NO OXYGEN, AND YOU CAN'T STOP.

IF YOU STOP,

YOU LOSE.

BECAUSE WE'RE ALL TRYING TO JUST BE WHO WE ARE.

YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU'RE A MUSICIAN

AND YOU GO UP THERE YOU'VE GOT SONGS

THAT YOU OR SOMEBODY ELSE HAS WRITTEN.

IF YOU'RE A PAINTER, YOU GOT THROUGH WHAT YOU DID

WITH PAINT.

IT'S ALL THERE, AND IT'S SEPARATE FROM WHO YOU ARE.

WITH A COMEDIAN, IT'S YOU.

THERE IS NOTH-- IT'S YOU.

THEY DON'T NOT LIKE YOUR MATERIAL.

THEY DON'T NOT LIKE THE CLOTHES YOU'RE WEARING.

THEY DON'T LIKE YOU.

IT'S ABOUT AS PERSONAL AS IT GETS.

AND IT'S REALLY, REALLY, REALLY TRAUMATIC

WHEN YOU HAVE THOSE NIGHTS WHERE

IT HITS YOU ON AN EXISTENTIAL LEVEL.

SO NOT DOING WELL AS A COMEDIAN

IS NOT JUST HAVING A ROUGH DAY AT WORK.

IT'S AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS.

NOW YOU'RE JUST IN THIS ROOM BY YOURSELF.

AND ALL THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOW YOU TO THE ROOM

WHEN YOU HAVE A, WHEN YOU HAVE A GOOD SHOW...

NOBODY'S THERE.

YOU'RE IN THE ROOM BY YOURSELF.

YOU'RE WAITIN' TO HEAR THE DOOR OPEN

FOR SOMEBODY TO SAY, "YOU ALL RIGHT?"

AND THEY NEVER COME TO THE DOOR.

IT HURTS MORE THAN GOING TO YOUR MOTHER'S FUNERAL.

BOMBING, IT HURTS THAT BAD.

DRIVING BACK TO NEW YORK CITY

I WANTED TO DRIVE OFF THE TAPPAN ZEE.

IT WAS REALLY BAD.

I MEAN, JUST TERRIBLE.

HERE'S WHAT BOMBING IS.

YOU JUMP OUT OF A PLANE YOU HAVE A PARACHUTE, RIGHT?

YOU PULL THE CHUTE, IT DOESN'T OPEN.

YOU GO TO YOUR EMERGENCY CHUTE,

THAT DOESN'T OPEN.

THEN YOU'RE LOOKING DOWN FOR A BODY OF WATER

OR A HAYSTACK TO LAND ON

AND YOU TRY TO FLAP YOUR ARMS,

AND YOU, YOU CAN'T FLY.

YOU'RE JUST FALLING, FALLING.

BUT YOU NEVER HIT THE GROUND.

YOU JUST FALL AND FALL AND FALL.

AND WHEN YOU WALK OFF STAGE, YOU'RE STILL FALLING.

YOU GET OUT TO THE LOBBY, NO ONE'S LOOKING AT YOU.

THE CLUB, "UH, HEY, UH." YOU'RE STILL FALLING.

YOU GET IN A CAB, YOU'RE STILL FALLING.

YOU GO HOME, YOU LAY IN THE BED, YOU'RE STILL

FALLING, FALLING.

IT'S JUST THIS HORRIBLE, EMPTY, DARK FEELING.

YOU KNOW WHAT BOMBING FEELS LIKE?

BOMBING FEELS LIKE YOUR DAD SLAPPING YOU

IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY AT A BARBEQUE.

AND THEN YOU GOTTA GO SIT DOWN

WITH YOUR FACE BURNING

AND YOUR EYE IS TEARING UP FOR NO REASON

AND PRETEND LIKE NOBODY SAW SHIT.

AND THE WHOLE TIME YOUR EATING LIKE THIS,

[SNIFFLING]

HEY, MAN.

CAN YOU PASS THE, [SNIFFLES]...

CAN YOU PASS THE MASHED POTATOES PLEASE?

LIKE, YOU EVER GOT BEAT BY YOUR DAD

AND A RELATIVE WAS WATCHING YOU

AND YOU'RE LIKE GETTING BEAT AND YOU WATCH THEM LIKE THIS,

[SNIFFLES]...

BUT HE CAN'T HELP YOU?

THAT'S WHAT BOMBING FEELS LIKE, MAN.

YOU REALLY START LOOKIN' AT EVERYTHING

WHEN YOU GET BOOED OFF THE STAGE.

YOU COULD HAVE TEN FUCKIN' GOOD SHOWS,

BUT WHEN THEY BOO YOU OFF THE STAGE,

YOU START THINKIN' ABOUT

YOUR FUTURE, LIKE YOUR FINANCES.

A FUCKIN' BOO WOULD DO YOU LIKE THAT.

WHEN YOU GET BOOED OFF THE FUCKIN' STAGE,

AND YOU RUN STRAIGHT HOME AND START THINKIN' ABOUT,

"DAMN.

I MIGHT HAVE TO SEND THIS FUCKING FURNITURE SET BACK...

TO RENT-A-CENTER.

WE CAN LIVE IN A ON TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN,

OR BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN TYPE MINDSET.

OH, WHAT I TRY TO DO IS NOT NOTICE IT.

LIKE, YOU KNOW, IF YOU TELL A JOKE OR,

YOU KNOW ME, I LIVE AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN IF--

OH, I DIDN'T THINK THAT WENT RIGHT!

AHH!

AND SO IF, WHEN I WAS YOUNGER,

IT USED TO JUST LITERALLY, IT WOULD KILL ME.

AND NOW I'M ABLE TO, UH,

FLOAT THROUGH IT NOW BECAUSE, UH, I HAVE MONEY.

[CREW LAUGHING]

I GOT MONEY. I'M VERY FAMOUS.

FUCK IT.

UH, BUT YOU GOTTA CONCENTRATE ON, UH,

OTHER THINGS.

AND WHEN YOU LOOK AT ROBIN WILLIAMS, GOD BLESS HIM,

WHEN YOU LOOK AT PEOPLE LIKE THAT WHO,

WE, WE, WE, WE LIVE FOR THE THIRST OF, LAUGH AT US.

YOU KNOW, WE NEED THAT.

THAT'S HOW WE EAT.

AND WHEN YOU TAKE THAT FROM US,

YOU KNOW, A LITTLE BIT OF US DIES.

[BOBBY] BOMBING IS NECESSARY EVENT.

IT'S THE ONLY WAY ONE GETS BETTER.

BUT EVERY TIME IT HAPPENS, IT'S VERY PAINFUL.

[JOHN THOMSON] YOU'VE GOT TO DIE TO GET GOOD.

THE MORE PAIN THAT YOU GO THROUGH AS AN INDIVIDUAL,

ON THAT STAGE,

THE BETTER YOU WILL PROBABLY GET.

UM, I MEAN,

IF YOU ARE EXPERIENCING REGULAR PAIN

WITHOUT ANY KIND OF LAUGHTER,

I WOULD SAY RETIRE.

BOMBING IS THE HUMBLER, YOU KNOW?

JUST WHEN YOU THINK IT'S GOING GREAT AND THEN YOU START BOMBING

YOU'RE LIKE, "WAIT A MINUTE.

THIS IS NOT RIGHT.

I'M NOT, I'M NOT KILLING. I'M BOMBING."

AND THEN YOU HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING POSSIBLE

TO GET OUT OF THAT HOLE. I LIKE THAT.

IT GETS TO THE POINT LIKE DRIVING A CAR.

WHEN YOU LEARN TO DRIVE A CAR YOU THINK,

"WELL, I COULD HIT ANYTHING AT ANY POINT HERE.

I'M JUST LEARNING, AND I'VE JUST PASSED MY TEST.

[GROANING]

BUT THEN THERE COMES A POINT IN YOUR DRIVING CAREER

WHERE YOU DON'T THINK ABOUT THAT.

YOU DON'T THINK THAT ANYTHING DRASTIC

AND DAMAGING AND DREADFUL IS GONNA HAPPEN,

BECAUSE YOU KNOW HOW TO GET OUT OF FUCK UP.

[CHRIS] WHEN YOU BOMB WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG

IT'S DEVASTATING

'CAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE THE NECESSARY SKILLS

TO KEEP IT GOING.

YOU COULD BOMB WHEN YOU'RE OLDER

AND THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW THEY'RE BOMBING.

WHERE ONLY YOU KNOW YOU'RE BOMBING,

'CAUSE YOU'RE A PROFESSIONAL.

YOU USE EVERY TRICK OF THE TRADE.

I TOOK SO MANY, MAN.

SO MANY, LIKE, I'M,

I'M SO PREPARED FOR ANYTHING BAD.

THERE'S NOTHING BAD THAT CAN HAPPEN TO ME

THAT I'M NOT PREPARED FOR.

I'VE HAD TO MAKE A SEPARATION IN MY HEAD

BETWEEN ME AND THE COMEDIAN STEWART LEE.

AND THE COMEDIAN STEWART LEE

THINKS HE'S REALLY BRILLIANT.

AND THE, IF,

IF HE DOESN'T GO REALLY WELL,

IT IS THE FAULT OF PEOPLE FOR NOT APPRECIATING HIS GENIUS.

SO IF HE GOES TO SILENCE,

HE WALKS OFFSTAGE WITH HIS OWN SELF-BELIEF

ACTUALLY STRENGTHENED.

OBVIOUSLY ON SOME LEVEL, I DO THINK THAT AS WELL.

BUT I DON'T THINK AS MUCH AS HIM.

WHAT IT DOES MAKE YOU DO

IS TO LET YOU KNOW WHERE THE BOTTOM IS.

AND ONCE YOU KNOW WHERE THE BOTTOM IS,

THEN YOU CAN KNOW WHETHER YOU CAN TAKE IT OR NOT.

SO I TELL COMICS ALL THE TIME,

"YOU DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN BE A COMIC YET.

YOU'LL FIND OUT

AFTER YOU CATCH THE WORST BOO OF YOUR LIFE.

IF YOU CAN COME BACK FROM THAT,

THEN YOU'LL BE FINE.

IF YOU CAN'T COME BACK FROM THAT, IF THAT BOTHERS YOU,

IF YOU GOTTA TAKE A COUPLE WEEKS OFF,

YOU GOTTA, YOU GOTTA GO TO COUNSELING,

YOU GOTTA TALK TO SOMEBODY ABOUT IT.

YOU GOTTA, AH...

YOU'RE STRESSED OUT, YOU'RE SCRATCHIN'

AND YOU'RE RIPPING UP PAGES OUT YOUR JOKE BOOK,

YOU WON'T BE AROUND THAT LONG.

YOU CAN'T TAKE IT.

[BACKGROUND CHATTER]

[ROYALE] I GO DOWN INTO THE GREEN ROOM

AND THERE'S ANOTHER COMIC THERE AND HE SAID,

"WHEN YOU GO OUT THE NEXT SHOW,

HE SAID, GO TO THE VERY FRONT OF THE STAGE

AND HE SAID, STAND ON THE FRONT OF THE STAGE

AND DO NOT MOVE

UNTIL YOU KNOW YOU HAVE FULL CONTROL OF THIS AUDIENCE."

HE SAID, "IF ONE PERSON SAYS ANYTHING,

HE SAID, I DON'T CARE IF YOU CAN SEE THEM OR NOT,

WHETHER IT'S A GIRL, BOY,

YOU MAKE IT WHO YOU NEED IT TO BE,

AND YOU TALK ABOUT THEM SO MUCH UNTIL THEIR MOTHER DIES.

AND HE SAID, IN THAT WAY,

THE REST OF THE PEOPLE IN THE ROOM

WILL KNOW NOT TO FUCK WITH YOU.

AND IT WAS PROBABLY

ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT LESSONS I'VE LEARNED

DOING STAND UP.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME, SIR?

-LEROY? -[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]

THE SECOND SHOW I HAD A GREAT TIME.

NO MICHAEL JORDAN THOUGH.

HE LEFT.

[GARY] THIS IS WHAT I ALWAYS TELL SOMEBODY

WHO WANTS TO GET INTO STAND UP.

IT'S REALLY GOTTA BE A CALLING.

IT'S REALLY NOT WORTH IT

IF IT ISN'T A CALLING.

IT IS TOO PAINFUL AND TOO DIFFICULT

IF IT ISN'T A CALLING.

WE ALL HAVE OUR DARK PARTS OF OUR LIVES.

WHETHER YOU POOR, WHETHER YOU HAVE SOMETHING.

EVERYBODY HAS SOMETHING TO DRAW FROM

THAT IS PAIN IN THEY LIFE

THAT MAKES 'EM FUNNY.

[TIFFANY] RIGHT WHEN I, USUALLY WHEN I PULL UP TO THE PLACE,

I JUST LOOK AT IT AND I VISUALIZE

EVERYONE INSIDE LAUGHING,

AND THEN I GO, THEN I LAUGH A LITTLE BIT...

[LAUGHS TO SELF]

AND I GO, "I AM FUNNY. I AM HILARIOUS.

I'M TALENTED. I'M SPECIAL.

AND IF NOBODY ELSE NOTICES IT,

THAT'S BECAUSE THEY'RE SLOW.

SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH THEM.

FOR ME IT'S, EVERY TIME I GET ONSTAGE,

IT'S A DREAM COME TRUE.

BECAUSE I NEVER THOUGHT THAT I COULD,

THIS COULD HAPPEN FOR ME.

I MEAN, I'M TELLING YOU, WHEN I WAS 13 YEARS OLD,

I KNEW I WAS GOING TO JAIL.

I KNEW I WAS GONNA GO TO JAIL,

AND I KNEW I WAS GONNA BE SOMEBODY BABY MAMA.

'CAUSE THAT WAS MY REALITY.

THAT'S WHAT I SAW AROUND ME.

I WAS GETTING IN TROUBLE EVERY DAY IN SCHOOL

AND MY SOCIAL WORKER WAS LIKE, "LOOK, TIFFANY.

YOU GOT TWO CHOICES,

YOU CAN EITHER GO TO THE LAUGH FACTORY COMEDY CAMP

OR YOU CAN GO TO PSYCHIATRIC THERAPY.

WHICH ONE DO YOU WANNA DO?

I SAID, "WELL, I'LL GO TO THE COMEDY CAMP."

AND IT CHANGED MY LIFE.

WHEN YOU'RE IN FOSTER CARE

AND YOU'RE BEING MOVED FROM HOUSE TO HOUSE,

WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE,

MY MAMA DON'T LOVE ME.

SHE JUST CARE ABOUT HERSELF.

YOU KNOW, MY DAD, HE'S RUNNIN' FROM THE LAW.

HE DON'T CARE ABOUT ME.

MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS HATE ME.

YOU KNOW, MY STEP-DAD THINKS I'M STUPID AND DUMB.

NOBODY LOVES ME.

AND THEN YOU GET TO BE A PART OF SOMETHING.

LIKE, AND IT'S PEOPLE,

IT'S PEOPLE THERE, THOSE MEN THERE,

I DON'T EVEN THINK THEY REALIZE

HOW THEY ENCOURAGED ME AND HELPED ME SO MUCH.

'CAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE ANY MEN IN MY LIFE SAY,

"YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL. YOU'RE TALENTED.

YOU'RE FUNNY. YOU'RE SMART.

YOU CAN DO ANYTHING.

LIKE THAT, THOSE EIGHT WEEKS,

WERE THE MOST AMAZING EIGHT WEEKS OF MY ENTIRE LIFE.

THAT WAS WHERE THE FOUNDATION

FOR WHO I AM TODAY.

YOU KNOW, LIKE, AND IT, AND IT...

UGH! [SNIFFLES]

YEAH.

[BACKGROUND CHATTER, PEOPLE CLAPPING]

[KEENEN] COMEDIANS ARE DAMAGED PEOPLE.

THEY'VE, UH, GONE THROUGH A LOT

OF PAINFUL EXPERIENCES IN THEIR LIFE.

AND THEY'RE VERY VULNERABLE PEOPLE.

THE SHIELD IS, "HA HA HA! I CAN LAUGH AT THIS."

BUT THAT DOESN'T CHANGE THE PAIN.

SO WHEN THESE GUYS GO BACK TO THEIR LIFE,

THAT PAIN IS STILL THERE.

LIKE IF I MAKE IT THROUGH LIKE A COUPLE OF STEPS IN THE DAY

I'M LIKE, FUCK YEAH.

YOU KNOW, BASIC ASS SHIT.

LIKE, IF I MAKE IT OUTTA THE DOOR

BY 11:30A.M., DUDE, COME ON, MAN,

IT MUST BE CHRISTMAS, SON.

[CREW LAUGHING]

BECAUSE YOU'RE A FUCK UP.

WHAT WEIRDO WOULD SAY,

I NEED TO STAND IN FRONT OF 2- 3- 400 PEOPLE A NIGHT

AND GET THEM TO LAUGH AT ME SO I CAN EVEN FEEL LIKE

A REGULAR PERSON ENOUGH SO I CAN GO TO BED?

EVERYBODY ELSE JUST WATCHES A LITTLE BIT OF "MODERN FAMILY"

AND THAT'S A WRAP.

WE'RE DOIN' ALL THIS BULLSHIT.

I HAVE DO DRIVE SOMEWHERE TO GET APPROVAL FROM PEOPLE

I DON'T EVEN FUCKIN' KNOW.

AND THEN LEAVE.

DUDE, CAN I BE HONEST WITH YOU?

I DON'T BOMB A LOT. I BOMB VERY RARELY.

I BOMB IN LIFE.

I BOMB IN FUCKING LIFE.

I'M, RIGHT NOW, I'M BOMBING.

RIGHT NOW, UH, UH, UH,

I GO ONSTAGE, PEOPLE LAUGH HEARTEDLY.

THEY, THEY SAY THAT, YOU KNOW,

THERE'S SOMETHING BEHIND YOUR JOKES. THERE'S SUBSTANCE.

AND THEN I, SOMETIMES I GOTTA ASK FOR A SWIPE

TO GET ON THE SUBWAY BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE $2.50.

SO...

I...

I SUFFER FROM DEPRESSION.

I, I DON'T, UM...

I, I, I, YOU KNOW...

I'VE BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH SEVERAL DIFFERENT TYPES OF DEPRESSION.

I DON'T KNOW WHICH ONES TO BELIEVE.

UM, BUT,

NO, I, I DEFINITELY HAVE DEPRESSION.

BUT I'VE HAD, I HAD THAT BEFORE I WAS A COMEDIAN.

I DON'T THINK COMEDY EVER CAUSED THAT IN MY LIFE.

AND I ALSO, I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE

WHO DON'T SUFFER FROM DEPRESSION AT ALL.

IT'S JUST, I BELIEVE THAT MAYBE

COMEDY GETS LABELED WITH THE,

WE'RE ALL MANIC DEPRESSIVES

BECAUSE IT'S THE ONLY OCCUPATION

WHERE YOU'RE ALLOWED TO CONSTANTLY TALK ABOUT

BEING A MANIC DEPRESSIVE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

ANY GROUP OF PEOPLE THAT THINK FOR A LIVING

IS GONNA BE SAD.

YOU KNOW, WE ALWAYS SAY, "IGNORANCE IS BLISS."

RIGHT? SO WHAT'S THE OPPOSITE?

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE YOU CAN'T BE,

THERE'S NO GREAT IGNORANT COMEDIANS.

YOU GOTTA BE AWARE OF EVERYTHING.

SO KNOWING, YOU CAN KNOW TOO MUCH.

BUT, UH, ARE WE MANIC DEPRESSIVE?

NAH, BUT DEFINITELY NOT AS HAPPY AS THE AVERAGE IDIOT.

-YEAH. -[CREW LAUGHING]

I USE COMEDY,

I SUPPOSE A LOT OF PEOPLE DO, TOO, TO MITIGATE PAIN

THAT THEY CAN, THAT'S WHY PEOPLE WHO COME FROM

UH, SAY, DYSFUNCTIONAL BACKGROUNDS,

ARE BETTER AT COMEDY, YOU KNOW?

I THINK WELL ADJUSTED, YOU KNOW, UH...

I DON'T KNOW MANY WELL ADJUSTED SPIRITUAL PEOPLE

WHO ARE FUNNY.

IT WOULD BE VERY RARE TO FIND A GOOD COMIC

WHO HAD NOT FELT

DISENFRANCHISED FROM SOMETHING OR DISCONNECTED

THAT, YOU KNOW, YOU ARE LOOKING,

YOU'RE LOOKING AT A GROUP,

YOU'RE LOOKING AT A WORLD AND YOU'RE NOT PART OF IT.

YOU'RE LOOKING THROUGH THE WINDOW.

AND THAT'S WHY, I THINK,

THERE'S SOME QUITE BLAND COMICS AROUND

WHO FEEL LIKE THEY'RE IN THE GROUP,

THEY FEEL LIKE THEY'RE IN A GOLF CLUB.

WHEREAS AT THE ONES I REALLY LIKE

ARE JUST A LITTLE BIT ODD.

I THINK WE ARE THE ODD PEOPLE AND THAT'S HOW WE FIT IN.

BY SHOWING OUR ODDNESS.

SEE THAT'S THE PROBLEM WITH ME.

I DIDN'T GROW UP ONE OF THEM NIGGERS WHO WERE,

WE DIDN'T HAVE, WE WAS EATEN SHOES AND SHIT,

AND MY DADDY KICKED US OUT.

THAT WASN'T LIKE, WE WAS BORN IN MISSISSIPPI.

I WAS A SPOILED FAT KID FROM SAN DIEGO, YOU KNOW?

SO I WAS JUST, I DIDN'T HAVE A BAD LIFE.

I WAS THE BAD PART OF THE LIFE.

I WAS JUST LIKE, HERE THIS NIGGER COME.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

I MEAN, I DIDN'T HAVE, I HAD A GREAT,

YOU KNOW, MY FATHER DROVE A JAGUAR IN '76.

SO, HE WAS SELLING COCAINE,

BUT WE HAD A GREAT LIFE.

COMEDY IS PROBABLY THE REASON WHY I'M NOT CRAZY.

LIKE THEY SAY MOST COMEDIANS ARE CRAZY.

I CAN SAY ON PAPER, "I'M NOT CRAZY."

AND I, LIKE I'VE REALLY,

I LAUGH AT THE FACT THAT I CAN SAY THAT.

BECAUSE AS COMEDIANS, WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE.

WE SHOULD BE.

WHEN WE'RE ONSTAGE, WE TALK TO OURSELVES.

WE LOOK AROUND AS IF OTHER PEOPLE ARE THERE WHEN WE'RE TALKIN'.

WE RESPOND TO WHAT WE JUST SAID.

IT CREATES A WORLD FOR US THAT'S A,

IT'S A SAFE HAVEN ON STAGE.

AND NO MATTER WHAT WE'RE DOING,

NO MATTER WHAT WE'RE TALKIN' ABOUT

IT'S OKAY AT THAT MOMENT.

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ELSE,

BECAUSE STAND UP HAS BEEN A PART OF MY LIFE

FOR, LIKE, 18 YEARS PERFORMING.

AND IT'S THE NUMBER ONE THING IN MY LIFE.

THE REASON WHY I'VE NEVER HAD KIDS

AND I NEVER HAD A WIFE WAS BECAUSE OF STAND UP.

YOU KNOW, BECAUSE,

I MEAN, I LOVE THE GIRLFRIEND I HAVE NOW

AND SHE IS WONDERFUL, SHE REALLY IS,

I LOVE HER.

BUT THE KIND OF LOVE I HAVE FOR STAND UP

IS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT, YOU KNOW?

AND I DON'T THINK ANY HUMAN BEING

CAN REPLACE THAT LOVE.

AND I'LL DO IT TO THE END OF TIME.

IT'S KIND OF LIKE,

I FEEL LIKE THERE'S SO MANY THINGS

THAT ARE JUST LIKE A WAY YOU CHOOSE

TO LIVE YOUR LIFE.

IT'S LIKE, ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA CHOOSE TO KEEP DOING THIS.

AND IT'S DEFINITELY NOT LIKE A GREAT WAY

TO INVEST IN YOUR ROMANTIC LIFE,

THIS CAREER PATH.

BUT I FEEL LIKE

IF YOU HAVE THE CAPABILITY TO, TO DO THIS,

YOU GOTTA DO IT.

I LOVE MY FAMILY.

I LOVE MY WIFE. I LOVE MY CHILDREN.

BUT THIS...

[LAUGHS]

THIS, IT IS A...

THE LAST CHRISTMAS

MY CHILDREN MADE THIS, UH, COLLAGE OF,

FOR CHRISTMAS AND IT HAD,

IT WAS FROM ME, AND IT WAS A TAPE.

IN EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THOSE, UH, SCENES

I WAS ALMOST NOT IN.

FROM THE TIME THEY WERE VERY LITTLE,

TO GOIN' OFF TO COLLEGE, TO COMIN' HOME.

AND I SHOULD'VE BEEN SAD.

BUT I KNEW I WAS GONE DOIN' SOMETHING THAT I LOVED,

AND I WAS OKAY.

AND, AND I, AND I FELT...

HORRIBLE THAT I FELT

THAT I'D DONE THE RIGHT THING.

WHEN YOU HAVE A JOB

THAT'S FUN, THAT'S YOUR DREAM JOB,

AND THEN YOU HAVE SOMEONE IN THEIR LIFE

WHO ISN'T DOING THEIR DREAM JOB,

WHICH IS 99 PERCENT OF THE POPULATION.

99 PERCENT OF THE WORLD GO TO WORK AND THEY DO IT,

IT'S, IT'S NOT CALLED PLAY, IT'S CALLED WORK,

AND YOU GO THERE TO EARN MONEY.

AND THE PEOPLE PAY YOU JUST ENOUGH

SO YOU KEEP ON COMING BACK.

AND THAT'S THE LEVEL OF PAY THAT PEOPLE ARE PAID.

ENOUGH THAT YOU'LL COME BACK.

RIGHT?

AND WHEN YOU GOT SOMEONE WHO'S IN A JOB LIKE THAT

AND YOU'RE IN A JOB WHERE YOU LOVE IT,

RESENTMENT DOES SET IN, I FIND.

THAT AND THE CHEATING.

[CREW LAUGHING]

I HAVE TREATED STAND UP

WITH A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF INGRATITUDE

CONSIDERING WHAT IT GAVE ME.

'CAUSE IT, IT CHANGED MY LIFE COMPLETELY.

I WAS, I WAS, YOU KNOW, I WAS JUST A DRIFTER.

I HAD NO IDEA WHAT I WAS GONNA DO FOR A LIVING.

AND, AND I WAS LIVIN' IN A, YOU KNOW, A BEDSIT.

AND STAND UP CHANGED EVERYTHING FOR ME.

AND I REALLY BELIEVE IN IT.

I BELIEVE THAT IT, YOU KNOW,

IT NEEDS TO BE DONE PROPERLY

AND TO BE DONE WITH PROPER RESPECT.

FOR THE BEST, I THINK FOR THE BEST STAND UPS

WHAT'S GREAT IS WHEN IT'S, UM, ABOUT SOMETHING.

WHEN COMEDY IS USED TO SHED SOME LIGHT

ON THE HUMAN CONDITION AND, UH,

REVEAL SOMETHING TRUTHFUL.

COMEDIANS JOB IS TO SAY THE THINGS

THAT EVERYBODY'S AFRAID TO SAY.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE, YOU ARE EVERYBODY'S INNER THOUGHTS.

YOU ARE THEIR CONSCIENCE.

YOU KNOW, SO WHATEVER YOU'RE AFRAID TO SAY,

WE'RE, OUR JOB IS TO SAY IT.

I THINK COMEDY, TO AN EXTENT,

I HATE TO SAY IT'S INNOCENT, BUT TO AN EXTENT

IT'S A SPACE THAT PEOPLE CREATED TO GO,

"WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF WE TOOK THE RULES AWAY?"

AND NOW WE'RE IN A POSITION WHERE,

"SHOULDN'T WE HAVE SOME RULES OVER THERE?"

YOU'RE LIKE, "WELL, NO, THIS IS A SPACE WHERE THERE'S NO RULES."

UM, BUT ALSO, IT'S JUST A WAY OF LOOKIN' AT IT.

MAYBE YOU'RE CONDITIONED INTO A WAY OF LOOKIN' AT THE WORLD.

SO I SEE EVERYTHING AS JOKES.

I SEE EVERYTHING AS COMEDY.

I MEAN, IF YOU SAY YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR THAT,

THAT'S FINE.

IF YOU SAY YOU DON'T WANT ME TO SEE IT,

YOU REALIZE...

I WAS GONNA SAY, "THAT'S OBSCENE,"

BUT THAT'S ACTUALLY FUNNY AS WELL.

I DON'T KNOW. THIS MAY SOUND,

THIS IS THE DANGER OF IT.

THIS IS THE DANGER OF TALKING ABOUT IT.

YOU SOUND LIKE A WANKER.

BUT, UM, THERE'S A CONGREGATION OF EMINENT,

THERE'S AN EMINENT OF PEOPLE NEEDING TO GO, TO SEE SOMEONE

TO EITHER EXPLAIN THE WORLD TO THEM OR TALK ABOUT THE WORLD

OR SEE IF SOME OF THEIR EXPERIENCES ARE REFLECTED THERE

AND THEY'RE IN TOUCH WITH THAT.

I THINK PEOPLE ENJOY IT FROM THAT PERSPECTIVE AS WELL.

YOU COULD HAVE A CROWD OF PEOPLE

UH, A HUGE CROWD OF PEOPLE

WHO ARE ALL DESPERATE POLITICALLY AND, UM,

IN TERMS OF THEIR TASTE AND THEIR CLASS.

UH, THEY'RE ALL FROM DIFFERENT BACKGROUNDS,

DIFFERENT PEOPLE, DIFFERENT OUTLOOKS ON LIFE,

BUT IF YOU MAKE THEM ALL LAUGH AT THE SAME TIME,

THEN SUDDENLY ALL THOSE PEOPLE,

ALL THE THINGS THAT MAKE THEM DIFFERENT SORT OF VANISH.

AND AT THAT ONE MOMENT OF LAUGHTER,

THEY'RE ALL UNITED. THEY ALL AGREE.

'CAUSE IF YOU ALL LAUGH,

YOU'RE ALL AGREEING ON ONE THING.

THAT THAT THING THAT JUST HAPPENED WAS FUNNY.

AND THAT'S REALLY INCREDIBLY POWERFUL THING.

THIS IS DRIVING 150 MILES AN HOUR IN YOUR CAR.

THIS IS BEING AT FULL TENSE, YOU KNOW, FULL FOCUS.

I'M A HUNDRED PERCENT IN,

I CAN'T MAKE ANY MISTAKES.

THE WHEEL IS SHAKING, BUT I GOT IT.

THAT'S WHAT STAND UP COMEDY IS.

YOU'RE RIGHT IN THIS POCKET, OH, SHIT, A TURN'S COMIN'.

HERE'S THE TURN. I GOTTA, I GOTTA HOLD THIS TURN DOWN.

AND THAT'S, AND THAT IS A RUSH

THAT YOU CANNOT EXPLAIN,

YOU CAN'T PREPARE FOR.

YOU GET USED TO IT, BECAUSE YOU CAN EXPECT IT,

BUT IT'S STILL, LIKE,

IT'S A FEELIN' THAT YOU GET USED TO LIKE SEX.

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT SEX FEELS LIKE.

OKAY, BUT DOES THAT MEAN YOU HAD ENOUGH?

'COURSE NOT.

AND THAT'S THE FEELIN' THAT YOU GET WHEN YOU ONSTAGE.

IT'S JUST LIKE, WOW. THIS IS...

THIS IS SOME GOOD-ASS SEX.

IT'S KINDA CHANGED MY LIFE AND MY FAITH.

UH, BUT THE THING THAT IS REALLY AMAZING TO ME

IS THAT MOMENT WHERE YOU TAKE THE MIKE OUT OF THE STAND.

WHEN I WALK OUT ANYWHERE,

AND I JUST DID A COUPLE GIGS LAST WEEK AND I REALLY LOVED THEM,

'CAUSE IT'S A RELATIONSHIP WITH THAT AUDIENCE

AND IT'S, IT'S A DATE.

I MEAN, IT'S A, IT'S A SPECIAL MOMENT TO ME

EVERY SINGLE ONE OF 'EM.

BUT I'M TRYING TO GET THIS PERFECTLY SYMPHONIC,

UM, BLEND OF

WHAT I THINK, WHAT I SAY,

MY VOICE, MY BODY, MY FACE, THE WORDS,

GET IT ALL TO BLEND IN THIS PERFECT WAY

AND THEN THE BIT COMES OUT AND IT'S PERFECT.

AND, AND, AND YOU HEAR THAT, RIGHT AWAY,

THAT IT'S, YES, THEY WILL SAY RIGHT AWAY,

THAT'S WHAT, YOU GOT IT.

I CAN HEAR, I KNOW WHAT THAT LAUGH IS SUPPOSED TO BE.

AND WHEN IT GOES UP A LITTLE BIT,

I KNOW THAT I DID IT BETTER THAT TIME

THAN I USUALLY DO IT.

AND THAT'S WHAT I LIVE FOR.

IT'S MAGICAL, YOU KNOW.

I MEAN, WHEN ALL THE PIECES FIT TOGETHER.

AND YOU WALK OUT AND THE AUDIENCE IS,

THEY KNOW WHO YOU ARE, THEY KNOW WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT.

THEY KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN TO YOURSELF.

WHAT YOU MEAN TO CULTURE, EVEN MORE SO,

WHAT YOU MEAN TO THEM.

AND WHEN THEY LOVE YOU AND YOU'RE THERE FOR THEM

AND YOU CONNECT WITH THEM, IT'S, YOU KNOW,

IT'S A LITTLE BIT OF, YOU KNOW, PERFECTION.

STAND UP IS KINDA LIKE, [IMITATING UPBEAT MUSIC]

LIKE THOSE OLD BEACH MOVIES AND YOU,

YOU PUT THE BOARD IN THE, [IMITATING UPBEAT MUSIC]

AND YOU'RE FINALLY RIDIN' THE THING.

YOU'RE FINALLY RIDIN' IT, YOU'RE FINALLY RIDIN' IT.

AND THEN, WHOOSH. YOU'RE IN THE TUBE.

AND YOU'RE LIKE, JOKE, WOW, LAUGH.

JOKE, WOW, LAUGH.

GOT THAT? JOKE, WHOOSH, LAUGH.

JOKE, WHOOSH, LAUGH.

GOODNIGHT.

HONESTLY, YOU KNOW WHAT FEELS GOOD TO ME

IS LIKE WHEN I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF A SHOW

I'M IN LIKE, LITERALLY, LIKE, I'M A HALF HOUR IN,

YOU KNOW, 40 MINUTES IN,

I'M KILLIN'.

AND I'M LOOKIN' AT THE CROWD, I'M LIKE,

YOU MOTHERFUCKERS AIN'T HEARD SHIT YET.

[CREW LAUGHING]

I LOVE THE FEELING OF IT.

I LOVE THE FEELING OF THE, THE TIMING OF IT.

THE SETUP, THE SETUP, THE PUNCH, THE LAUGH, THE SETUP.

LIKE, THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT GETTING INTO THAT RHYTHM

THAT FEELS SO GOOD.

WHEN A COMEDIAN'S ON AND YOU TELL THAT JOKE

AND IT GOES TO THE BACK OF THE HOUSE

AND IT COMES ROARING BACK TO YOUR FACE,

THERE'S NOTHING LIKE THAT, UH, THAT FEELIN'.

YOUR SKIN CRAWLS ABOUT THAT HIGH.

GOOSEFLESH.

FROM YOUR FINGERTIPS RIGHT TO YOUR TOES.

YOU CAN'T TELL THAT TO ANYBODY,

'CAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

BUT I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE.

PUMPS THE HEART IN A DIFFERENT WAY.

HEAD FEEL DIFFERENT, EYES LIGHT UP.

CELLS IN YOUR BODY, ALL OF 'EM GO LIKE THIS.

LIKE, YAH!

THEY ALL RING LIKE BELLS.

YAH! YAH!

AND IT CAN BE TEN PEOPLE

OR 10,000 PEOPLE.

UH, BUT WHEN YOU FEEL THAT, WHEN YOU MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH,

THERE'S NOTHIN' LIKE THAT FEELIN'.

THAT LAUGH IS BETTER THAN ANY TROPHY

OR ANY STUPID PARCHMENT.

ALL THE HERALDING, THE AWARDING,

THE TRUMPETING, THE LAUDING.

WHO CARES?

WHO CARES?

YOU'RE A COMEDIAN. THAT, THAT'S YOUR AWARD.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES]