Original subtitles

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SONG: Our love festers like an open wound.

Our sweet torture will be starting soon.

We hold hands in the moonlight as our passions congeal.

And in the confusion sustain a contusion that,

properly cared for, won't heal.

(SINGING): And our love festers, like an open wound.

Don't call the doctor.

I'll be better soon.

Then you'll infect me, knowing I'll infect you,

knowing nothing can make us immune,

and our love festers, like an open wound!

Old movies are so relaxing.

That was a nice break, but now back to the business at hand.

World domination is a grueling, thankless job,

but someone has to do it.

Slave Willie, prepare the Gloom beam.

- Yes, sir, Doctor. - Girl.

Yes, sir.

Scramble stations.

Sure, Doctor.

[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

Oh, really, this is so much fun.

Very soon now, even the smallest household bed

will die of slow starvation.

I am well acquainted with the gloom beam, Doctor.

If it functions as projected, there

will soon be an end to the entire world's economy

as we know it.

The magnetic gloom beam.

My most destruction invention.

When we activate the device, a magnetic ray will be created.

Travel out against the target.

It will scramble and erase the magnetic impulses

on credit cards, bank accounts, cash registers.

The economy will collapse.

Credit will be gone.

Money will be worthless.

No one will escape the excruciating pain!

Help.

Homeless children will starve in the street like dogs!

But we must be gentle.

These are so convenient.

You just punch in your number and electronically

cash your check.

Hello, I'm Speedy Buck.

I can take care of all your banking needs.

Bruce, look!

I can't believe it.

We're rich!

Look at it, how it dances and sparkles.

It's wonderful!

And it's not only beautiful, really.

It's destructive.

What is your choice for the target, Doctor?

Cincinnati, of course.

The financial capital of Southern Ohio.

Not here, Doctor.

Over to the left.

Men, the dilemma we face is unequaled in the history

of Cincinnati Bank and Trust.

All of the computer tapes in the accounting department

have either been erased or scrambled,

checking accounts and deposits vanished, bank loans lost.

We don't know who owes what to whom!

It's just a mess.

Hodgkins, demonstrate our problem

with your display model.

Yes, sir.

What this illustrates is the global implication

of this threat.

I will drop this under one of these rat traps.

This cork will represent Cincinnati, which, as you know,

has been ravaged by economic disaster

unlike anything seen since the Great Depression.

Worse, gentlemen, than losing the Super Bowl.

While the loss of Cincinnati in and of itself

is relatively meaningless, the possibility

of setting off a series of chain reactions throughout the world

is very real and very disturbing.

Observe!

[LAUGHTER]

Well, that about does it.

Just put on the card, will you?

You know, I don't know how we got

along before the credit card.

Next time, use the self-service aisle.

Tina, Rhonda Sue, I'll be on the air in a few moments.

Makeup, makeup.

[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

Your plan seems to be progressing according

to projections, Doctor.

You should be most gratified.

I will deliver to the world a weapon

which may just save manki--

nah, it's a lie anyway.

Five, four, three, two, one.

Show time!

Good evening.

Thanks to the miracle of tissue damaging microwaves, which also

cause sterility and cancer, I'm coming to you, the whole world,

simultaneously.

And what I have for you tonight is a riddle.

I love games.

Don't you?

And if you don't answer this riddle correctly,

and I believe that you have exactly no chance,

it will mean the end of the world as we know it.

Doesn't that sound like fun?

OK, trivia freaks, are you ready?

Because I'm only going to say it once, and not very clearly.

You ready?

When the money is scrambled to the very last cent,

riots and hatred soon will commence.

When all the world's commerce will be put in a bind

from the evils that lurk where the sun never shines.

It is I, Dr. Otto von Schnick, ick,

ick, ick, who has played on you this trick, ick, ick, ick.

But who's Dr. Otto, you may well ponder,

while all your magnetic cash is squandered?

It's he who had an eye and yet couldn't see.

It's he who served bouillabaisse when was she.

It's he who gambled with the brains and a gun.

It's he who had all and yet had none.

And to stop this horrible, twisted trick,

just exchange the poem of old St. Nick.

And if that doesn't do to save the day,

put another quarter in and try another day.

Bye-bye.

[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

He's a madman.

He's a madman.

He obviously has no respect for anything,

human life, social values, the bottom line, nothing.

There is one person who can stop this fiend,

this paragon of evil.

One man with the skill, ingenuity, and cunning

to stop this menace to the free enterprise system,

a man who has made it his life's work

to stop this prophet of doom.

Gentlemen, Mr. Lance Sterling and his personal secretary,

Doris Talbot.

Mr. Sterling, I'm sure that you and Doris

are aware of the grave situation we face.

The whole financial fiber of this country is at stake.

Yes, sir.

And you know what they say, as Cincinnati goes,

so goes the nation.

Gentlemen, our noble institution

is on the verge of collapse.

Soon, no one will be able to afford food or clothing,

riots will break out, the wholesale slaughter

of cosmetic clerks will begin.

The streets will run red with blood

from stockbroker's suicides.

And to top it off, our earnings will be down.

Don't worry, Mr Rutherford.

I'll solve this twisted riddle and bring

this tasteless totalitarian to justice.

Put your faith in America's champion.

Yes, I know you will, Lance.

I have every confidence in your ability

to seek out this money-mad fiend, wherever he may lurk,

and to put an end to him and his infernal machine.

Do you gentlemen have any questions for Mr. Sterling?

Yes.

Mr, Sterling, if you could be any animal you wanted,

what would it be?

Well, now that's a tough one.

It's him.

It's who?

Mr. Lance Cutesy Buttsy never gets

Poop on his Shoes Sterling.

He's cute.

He's cute like the plague, like boils,

like persistent itching.

He can save my day any time.

Mr. Clean Room, Never Bored, Clearasil, Crosses

at the Walk Sterling?

You pea-brained incompetent.

Let me tell you a little story.

Once upon a time, there were two little boys

born in the same town on the same day.

Mr. And Mrs. Sterling, Two little Lance

is the favorite of the whole hospital.

All the nurses are just in love with him.

He's so cute.

He's got his mother's eyes.

But he's got your dimples.

Hello, mother.

Hello, father.

I'm so glad you're my parents.

Oh, he's got your manners.

[CRYING]

Madam Von Schnick, I have terrible news for you!

It lived!

[SCREAMING]

Take it away, take it away!

You-- you mean this is for me, this big box?

can I open it now?

Please?

Oh, great!

My own set of encyclopedias?

Now I can begin to unravel life's mysteries for myself.

Gag me with that rope.

This is the best Christmas ever.

And you're the best parents anyone could ever have.

I've got something for you.

Open it.

Lance, you make me so proud.

Wonder what it could be.

It's the White House.

I made it out of toothpicks in my spare time.

Oh, Lance.

It's beautiful!

Some day, I'm gonna be a senator.

And I'm gonna make the world a better place for all people.

Put her there, son.

"When I grow up, I'm going to be a senator and make the world

a better place for everyone."

It's enough to make you blow your beets in the snow.

[VOMITING]

Mother, Father, can we say it just

once, since it's Christmas?

Dad?

Sure, son.

Since it's Christmas.

I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United

States of America--

I can't stand it.

I can't stand it.

I can't.

I hate Christmas.

Holidays were not looked forward to in my happy little home

with my mommy and daddy dearest.

Maybe he won't come back.

Maybe he has run away.

Well, we can always hope.

It's all we've got.

But he did get us a Christmas present this year.

What a surprise.

The only thing I ever got from him before was nightmares.

Well, let's open it.

Maybe we should wait until he's here?

Nah!

Maybe we could sell it before he comes back!

All right.

Let's see what little Otto got for his loving parents.

This is the best Christmas ever.

And you're the best parents anyone ever had.

(SINGING): Jingle bells, jingle bells.

[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

Sayonara, London.

"It is he who had an eye but could not see.

It is he who served bouillabaisse

when he was a she."

I've read it a dozen times, and I still don't understand it.

Now, there's a surprise.

Yeah.

I'm usually really good at parlor games.

Well, maybe Dr. Otto doesn't want to be found.

Don't be ridiculous, Doris.

What good would it do to have a riddle

so hard no one could solve it?

You're a smart girl, Doris, but sometimes you just don't think.

did you bring the cooler.

Could use a cold drink.

The world is on the brink of chaos.

We're trying to save it.

Somehow, the cooler slipped my mind.

That's what I mean, Doris.

Sometimes, you just don't think.

[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

Goodbye, Akron.

I like to 'em twice like that.

"It's he who had an eye but could not see."

Do you suppose that could be Mr. Potato Head?

It doesn't feel right, Lance.

Well, what do you think it means?

Well, I don't know.

So it could be Mr. Potato Head.

Yes, Lance.

I suppose it could.

I thought so.

So you think you will stop me?

You think I'll just roll over and play dead?

Oh, please, Mr. Sterling.

Don't hurt me.

I want to do better.

I-- I want to be good like you!

Gee, thanks, Doc.

Quick, Willie.

More destruction, more carnage.

It's-- it's my lowest moment!

It's also so deliciously unclean.

"It is he who served bouillabaisse

when he was a she."

"Bouillabaisse," it originated on the coast of France.

I knew that.

As you well know, I'm a--

I'm a gourmet cook.

It shows.

There is not an ounce of fat on my body.

I'm on the metric system.

And now for Mr. perfect.

Quickly, into the changing coffin.

We have work to do.

Ah, the changing coffin is your favorite toy, Doctor.

Today, we will transform you into tech, a soldier of fortune

and a socially unacceptable mercenary.

This device goes way beyond your old Halloween makeup kit

and transforms your features, transmogrifies your,

speech, and gives you a natty change of clothes

all at the same time.

Hold on to your RNA, Doctor.

This is your supreme commander.

Have you--

Spotted.

Them yet?

Oh, good.

Then we can start to--

Spring.

Our trap.

I like this.

Doris, are you sure the transmission

came from around here?

Whoopsie!

Car trouble.

Doris, did you bring your AAA card?

Lance, I don't think this is covered.

Well, let's find a phone and call a service station.

We will ruin these rims driving on flat tires.

Those youngsters look like they're having themselves

the time of their lives.

Physical training is special when it's started young.

It means so much to a healthy, well balanced life.

Lance, come back here!

I'd love to, Doris, but duty calls.

You know that.

I've got to find a phone, fix the car, save the world.

That kind of thing, huh?

Boy, this is great.

Just like a police escort.

Is there a phone around here?

Good form.

Feet apart, hands low, thrust, and withdraw.

Somebody deserves a lot of credit

for teaching the fundamentals here.

And I certainly look forward to meeting them.

That ruddy fool.

I can't believe he just strolled into camp.

Doesn't he know every shock troop in the free world

is looking for that--

Commie.

Scum?

Sir, my data banks indicate that Mr. Sterling

has been politically inactive since his unsuccessful senate

race.

Don't you ruddy interrupt me, you ruddy, liberal,

wimpy, piece of ruddy tin!

You, what?

Yes, sir, Doctor.

Well, ladies, let's go meet this--

Red.

Terrorist that calls himself Mr. Lance Sterling, eh?

You know, when I was about your age,

my dad gave me a BB gun.

But the barrel should always point up for safety's sake.

These are really wonderfully trained youngsters.

I'm impressed.

Come to challenge me face-to-face,

have you, Mr. Lance Sterlingsky or whatever you call your--

Ruddy.

Self now.

Eh, what?

Uh, no.

We just wanna use your phone.

See, we had car trouble, and, well, my AAA is expired.

You won't be using your--

Ruddy.

Three letter code words to your--

Ruddy.

Commie comrades in the bush, what!

No, no, no, not that.

No, we were driving, see, trying to figure out this riddle.

Put this--

Ruddy.

Commie scum in the--

Guest.

Room over there.

We'll play a few little games with their--

Ruddy.

Red rumps, what.

This does not look like a phone booth.

Now, a phone booth has those glass panels, the little metal

things, a shelf right here.

Yeah, and a lot more private.

Oh, what are you doing?

How can you touch those things?

I'm looking for something to help us get out of here.

Well, whatever they had didn't help them much.

Now, look, Doris, they're gonna be expecting us to break soon,

to snap under the pressure.

But we are tougher than that.

We're Americans.

Let's keep our morale high.

Hey, I know.

How about a song?

(SINGING): If I were a carpenter and you were a lady,

would you marry me anyway?

Would you have my baby?

And now for the economic news.

Back to you, Mike.

Mr. Rutherford, Mr. Rutherford, the entire city

has erupted.

People are going crazy.

The whole country is in an uproar.

Mobs are storming all the banks, burning

their checkbooks in protest.

They want their money.

And everything is scrambled up.

This Dr. Otto von Shnick ick ick has reshuffled the deck,

and Lance Sterling is nowhere to be found.

Cut him down.

Otto, or Hardtact, wants you to play a little spin the barrel.

Oh boy, Doris.

I love to play games.

[MARCHING CHANTS]

Well, I see you and your--

-

Comrade here decided to take me

up on my little invitation, eh?

Go, you yellow--

Pink.

O.

Well, I should get to go first.

She always goes first.

She always gets to order first in the restaurants.

She always gets the window seat on the plane.

Now, I want to go first.

Oh, by all means.

Go on, Trotsky.

Drop the hammer.

Do it.

[CLICKING]

Let's get out of here, Lance!

What's the matter, Doris?

Don't you want your turn?

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

He got away.

He got away.

You let him get away!

Sir, my actions were specifically directed

at capturing Lance Sterling.

It would be illogical to assume that, as you say,

I let him get away.

I can't believe you said that.

Poor me.

Do you believe what we machines put up with?

I mean, I did everything a robot could possibly do.

I shot my little arrow.

I-- I flashed everything up on the screens he wanted.

I did everything that I as a machine could possibly do.

And what do he say?

"You let him get away."

Me, me!

Sterling, one escape does not a victory make!

He sure got out of that one easy enough.

Don't talk about him.

I hate him.

I've hated him for years!

Otto, I saw your yearbook.

Lance was class president.

Yes, and captain of this and leader of that!

But it was there in high school that my scientific genius

began to shine.

I remember the science fair.

Robert, much better than last year.

- Thank you, Miss Apple. - Pork through the ages.

Very good.

Girls, So nice and colorful.

Nutritious.

Let's hear it, Frank.

[BARKING]

What's under the sheet, weirdo?

"What's under the sheet, weirdo?"

Only the greatest invention since nerve gas.

Only a major breakthrough in the relationship

between man and machine.

That's all, weenie.

We'll show them, won't we, Willie?

- Very educational, girls. - We're proud of you.

Did you paint that yourselves?

Yes.

And what have you done for the fair, Lance?

What I have done for my science fair project, Miss

Apple, is to try and give our students an opportunity

to see what it feels like to exercise our most sacred right,

the right to vote.

I believe, Miss Apple, and honored judge,

that each and every one of us has

a duty to take a stand whenever the opportunity arises.

As a proud American, and one truly loves his country,

I wanted to make the light of liberty shine.

As President Kennedy said, it is not

what your country can do for you,

it is what you can do for your country.

Oh, Lance.

So, Miss Apple, will you be the first to cast your vote

for the freedom of choice?

Ask not what you can do for your robot.

Ask what your robot can do for you.

Come on, Willie.

Let's play senseless violence.

Hello, I'm your new T9 voice activated robot.

I can walk and talk like a real person.

I can perform complex functions.

Sayonara, Pork Through the Ages!

[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

Not the pork.

I'm happy now.

Little children in China don't get pork.

Bye-bye, Bow-Wow.

Here, pooch.

That Otto has no respect for anything.

Look what he's doing to Janie Newsom's project.

Your project next.

Watch it.

Notice, if you will, the robot's life-like movements,

its ability to understand spoken commands,

and a vocabulary of nearly 700 words,

such as "Attack, Willie!"

"Search and destroy."

"Tora, tora, tora!"

[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

Really is a mostly impressive experiment.

Well, I hope this won't sway your judgment.

After all, if I know Otto, he's found a way to cheat.

And besides, he has no school spirit.

Otto, you stop this!

You tell this thing to behave!

And now let's exercise our most sacred right.

Let's vote and vote and vote!

One machine, one vote!

I just pulled the lever and this happened.

Lance, this booth may have been a good idea,

but it needs a lot of work to make it safe.

But-- but it wasn't me, Miss Apple.

It was Otto.

Lance!

Be a man.

Don't blame others for your mistakes, especially

those less fortunate.

La la la la la la, la la la la la.

But Otto, he-- he-- he-- he--

Those were the good old days.

So did you win the science fair?

In a way.

I won a special scholarship which

allowed me to become what I am today,

the human scum of the Earth.

I found them, Exalted One.

They're in the deep woods.

Good.

We have yet another chance to finish that imbecile.

Oh, life is good!

Quick, into the changing coffin.

We haven't a moment to lose!

Laughing Jack Cockney.

[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

Hey, look.

It's a little light.

Maybe it's a phone booth.

[SCREAMING]

No!

no!

That should hold you, wench!

No, no!

No.

Tie her tighter there, James.

We wouldn't want her to wiggle free and miss me chances

of catching that living, breathing,

stinking scourge of the wetlands known as the Dump.

[SCREAMING]

Look at that, Doris.

What in heaven's name are they doing to that young lady?

[SCREAMING]

Well, me proud beauty, maybe a taste of the whip'll

make you like your fate.

I still don't like it.

Wait just a minute.

If this is your idea of some elaborate sorority initiation,

I think it's gotten a little out of hand.

Don't look now, Polly, but methinks some fresh bait

just swam into me bucket.

Now, I cannot believe that this

young lady voluntarily participates

in this type of shenanigans.

Now, fun is fun, but this is going too far.

So you think me lads have gone a bit too far?

[MANIACAL LAUGHTER] Eh, Jim?

It's not Jim.

It's Lance.

Lance Sterling.

And, well, yes, I do think this barbaric ceremony

must come to a stop.

Don't you agree, Doris?

[MOANING]

See that?

We all agree.

You'll not be interrupting me chances of catching the Dump,

now would you, Jim?

The Dump?

Aye, the Dump, Jim, the Dump.

Bring him on up.

Ooh, soft but perishable.

This is not my idea of hospitality.

Now, a friend in need is a friend indeed.

I'm sure you'll agree with that.

Mr. Jack.

[LAUGHTER]

Well, now that we're all here, how about a game?

How about a riddle?

OK, now-- now, I'll go first, and you

see if you can solve it.

I'll tell you what.

I've got it written down right in my pocket.

If you'd just get it for me, I would really appreciate it.

Yeah.

No, a little more to the right.

Yeah, that's it.

You got it.

OK.

Can you open it up for me?

OK.

What has an eye but cannot see?

Mr. Potato Head.

[GROWLING]

[SCREAMING]

He rises!

I've got you now, you lurking garbage bag.

The Dump, the Dump dies tonight!

Hey, hey, wait, fellas. Are we late?

Did we miss anything?

Don't look, Jim.

It seems we be a mite late.

You know, Jim, methinks the Dump would take a shining to you.

Yeah?

Aye, that he would.

He likes young boys like you, Jim, that he does.

'Cause you're so young, and pink, and educated.

You wouldn't dare!

You needs to be helping your old mate,

Laughing Jack O'Cockney, have his

revenge on that fowl-smelling dump that ruined me good eye.

Well, I-- I--

under the circumstances--

No, Lance, no.

It would be good for you, Jim.

Aye, that it would.

Yeah, it would.

And what would we have for him, Johnny?

It's a cabana side by side freezer!

Ooh.

This cabana holds up to 40 pounds

of fruits and vegetables, and has a convenient icemaker

and water tap.

All from cabana if you help Laughing Jack catch the Dump.

Back to you, Jack.

Oh, I'm just overwhelmed.

But I-- I don't know.

My apartment's too small, and well--

We'll never help you, no matter what.

Doris, with a side by side freezer,

we'd be fools not to try!

[GROWLING]

Doris.

Alex?

Is that you, Alex?

Rudy.

Well, I-- I go by Lance now.

Rudy, long time no see.

Rudy?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Rudy.

How's it been going, Alex?

- Eh. - How's the wife?

Fine.

LANCE: And the kids? - OK.

Great.

Alex, how about getting us loose?

Piece of cake.

How do you know this thing?

Once upon a time, a long time ago,

I pulled a thorn out of his paw when he was just a baggie.

[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

Goodbye, Steubenville.

You'll thank me for this.

$788.45.

$962.33.

OK, do you have any coupons?

OK.

Total is $3,298,637.23.

I'll take back the pork chops.

MAN: Dollar collapses, pound collapses.

Frank collapses.

MAN: Frank, Frank!

The true dimensions of the economic catastrophe

the entire world is experiencing will

not be known for some time.

What is known is that, today, the Soviet Union

declared an end to the use of the ruble

as its national currency and declared boiled turnips to be

the new coin of the realm.

In Denmark, the national sport of cheese wrestling

was suspended indefinitely when the price

of a single small Gouda arose to 150,000 kalatnicks.

Since we are traveling in a diagonal from it,

we are either traveling northwest or southeast.

So if we knew where we were--

Which we don't.

LANCE: We could get back to civilization

and put an end to Otto and all his shenanigans.

Thanks there, Alex.

Watch that slipped disc there, buddy.

That's good.

Listen, it is great to catch up on old times.

With you too.

Hey, lunch next week, OK?

Sure.

- Same meeting place as always? - Certainly.

Good.

OK.

Before you go, and I know you've gotta go,

let me read you something.

OK.

"To stop this horrible, twisted trick,

just exchange the poles of old St. Nick."

Mean anything to you?

Doesn't Santa live at the North Pole

with all the elves and everything?

Don't you think?

Ah, so you think that the pole of old St. Nick

is the North Pole?

Yes, I do.

Yeah.

Yeah, me too.

Listen, great to see you again.

Good seeing you.

Lunch next week, same meeting place as always?

- Of course. - Good.

OK.

Say hi to the wife and kids for me.

I will.

- And take care of yourself. - OK.

All right.

Ciao.

What a prince.

He's so resourceful.

He is an idiot of global proportions.

But at least my master plan for world conquest

is coming along nicely.

I still don't understand it all.

Well, here, Tina, let me show you.

You see this little object no larger than your fingernail?

Mhm.

Observe.

Oh.

I see, Doctor.

By starting the blocks, you set up a chain reaction

which puts pressure on world commodity markets, which

in effect re-adjusts the annual circulation

rate of liquid accounts into the liability column.

And the Federal Reserve will have to devaluate currency

in a futile attempt to cope.

Close.

In Washington DC, the food riots continued.

And in New York City, looters rampaged through that city's

financial district, tarring and feathering some two

dozen bankers and brokers.

MAN (ON TV): And now we return to love in the afternoon.

Mr. Rutherford.

Mr. Rutherford, sir, I've been running this

through our centauri systems XY computer,

and it seems to have come up with an interesting twist

on all this.

Centauri's conclusion is that this Dr. Otto von

Schnick ick ick is only a menace because we do not control him.

If we could persuade Von Schnick to be on the board of the bank,

or perhaps partners with the bank,

we could control the world's--

[MUFFLED SPEECH]

Well, thank you sir!

[MUFFLED SPEECH]

What's wrong with you guys in intelligence?

I want you to do something about all of this.

We've prepared some new scenarios.

Like the Bay of Pigs?

It could have worked.

And this wonderful Vietnam report.

Do you see a light at the end of this tunnel?

Butt in the bureaucrat.

The economy has gone to hell in a handbasket,

and you guys have come.

We've formulated a psychological profile

on this Von Schnick character.

I'm sure it's a breakthrough.

You want the password.

"Green cheese is a mouse's only friend."

Mr. President, the economy of this country

is on the verge of collapse.

Don't you think I know that?

Sir, all of the government accounting computers

have been wiped clean.

The Treasury Department has no idea how

much money is being printed.

And what's worse, most of the senator's expense accounts

have vanished from our records.

You mean to tell me we have no idea

how much money this country owes or who owes us?

That's correct, sir.

So in effect, the national debt is wiped out.

You could say that.

That's great!

Call a press conference.

I've been tracking 'em.

They're approaching the cliff.

Otto, what are you going to do?

Tempt the idiot!

Lure him to his doom.

They will help me.

And so will you.

I'll lead him to his destruction and crush him

like a ripe grape!

[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

I hope I'm not out of line.

[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

I'm hungry.

This place is full of mosquitoes.

Where are we going, anyway?

You're supposed to be the leader!

Well, I can't do everything.

My training is in making command decisions,

motivating large numbers of stalwart troops,

giving pep talks.

That sort of thing.

But I'm hungry.

Fish.

I can catch fish!

I can use this little thorn for a hook.

And I can unravel some thread from-- from my sweater

for line.

Oh, and I can use this little gum wrapper for a lure!

Boy, this is fun!

[SCREAMING]

WOMAN: Help, help!

Lance, quick.

She needs help! - Hey, who needs help?

Me!

It's not going at all like they said

it would at survival training.

She needs us.

That's great, Doris.

I finally catch us something to eat,

and you just cut it loose without any thought

for anybody but yourself!

[SCREAMING]

Oh dear.

Maybe there's another way.

Oh.

Oh, that's it, Doris.

Leave me here to save the day, and you

go off to find an easier path.

Oh boy, that's typical Doris.

Typical of too many women who try to make

their way into the real world.

They crumble at the first sign of trouble!

[SCREAMING]

Nobody's gonna believe this.

Little Tina Nelson from White Plains,

hanging 1,000 feet off the ground.

Help!

[SCREAMING]

My makeup's running.

My hair's a mess.

And I'm gonna die.

Why?

Because I didn't listen to my mother

and fell for a foreign accent with a hand

growing out of his head.

[SCREAMING]

This is it.

I'm going to die now and miss the whole rest of my life.

But that's the way life goes for little Tina Nelson

from White Plains.

[SCREAMING]

This things is about to fall.

No, no, no, let me get out of the way first!

Now I'll never be a nurse.

A nurse?

Oh, that is a noble goal.

And one that makes good use a woman's

natural tendencies to [SCREAMING]

to make soup, To change dirty linen.

Whatever your current problems may be,

you are obviously a good girl.

Not like Charlotte DeBlaine.

Who couldn't be satisfied with a law practice.

No, she had to get into politics.

I should be a senator today.

And then for that debate--

[DOORBELL RINGS]

You saved me.

You were never in any real trouble.

Fear is a phantom that clouds the mind.

I love it when you talk metaphysical.

Oh great.

Food at last.

You know, my blood sugar is at an all time low.

So that moron of morality has taken our bait.

Mr. Honest Mug or Nothing Sterling,

you won't get away this time!

Get out of my way, you nib mass of thermal conductors.

I'm trying, Doctor, but--

- Under who? - We're tangled.

I can't--

Get this oversized piece of metal off me.

To the changing coffin!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

That chicken was good, but, well,

a balanced diet is important.

Bird can't fly on a broken wing, as my mother always said.

"Would you like some sweet repose?"

Repose means sleep.

I knew that.

I got excellent scores on the verbal part of my SATs.

And always did well in English.

It was the math parts that always got me, though.

Me too.

I never understood any of that stuff,

quantum theory, astrophysics, binary trigonomics.

Made me feel so dumb.

Well, we have something in common.

Uh, Doris?

Uh, Doris?

We need to stay together, OK?

[WHISTLING] Well, it looks like we're on the right path

after all.

I could use a hot bath and something to eat.

Boy, me too.

You don't think this is some sort of trick, do you, Doris?

Why would i think that?

We're miles from civilization, in the middle

of an impenetrable forest, following

the only path anywhere, and watching Auntie

Nelda signs pop out of nowhere.

Why would I think this was a trick?

Good.

It felt all right to me too.

Work, work, work.

That's all I do.

I hire a domestic, it's like adopting a child.

He creates work for me.

I ask him to do a few simple tasks--

water the flowers. What happens?

I end up watering the flowers.

Well, you little darling, you're blooming.

Here.

I hope you strangle on it.

You're lucky to get it.

Little flowers in China don't even get water.

Hello, travelers.

Boy, this is our lucky day.

She seems real nice.

Welcome to Auntie Nelda's.

Boy, this is our lucky day.

She seems real nice.

We are going to have a little--

We don't have a chance.

We're going to meet lots of nice young people.

(SINGING): Someone's in the kitchen with Willie.

Someone's in the kitchen I know.

Someone's in the kitchen with Willie.

Come on, socket head.

They're waiting to eat!

Bouillabaisse can not be hurried, Doctor.

Now, battery breath, now!

It really needs a few more minutes,

Doctor, for the ingredient to marry their essences.

Now, all of a sudden, I've got a Julia Childs to deal with.

But-- but-- but, Doctor.

I-- not the liquefier, Doctor!

Nah, this is no trick.

Now, what would make me think this was a trick?

All right, Miss Grump.

Just be that way.

She'll feel much better after a hot meal and some sleep.

So will I.

So pick up those fingers there,

bolt head, and mop up the rest of that oil!

Please, forgive any disturbance.

I don't suppose I have to tell you how hard it is

to find suitable help nowadays.

I know just what you mean.

It smells yummy.

I am starved.

Oh, me too.

It's from an old family recipe.

Um, aren't you eating?

No, dear.

I'm on a water diet.

Well, I hope you're taking a vitamin supplement.

I try to take care of myself.

My son Jaime, he never took care of himself.

He didn't weigh 90 pounds soaked in paving tar.

Well, I'm famished.

What's in this, anyway?

Oh, just some fresh herbs and things from the garden.

Pardon.

This is the incompetent I mentioned earlier.

Vin, Mademoiselle?

Please.

I hope it's called cold duck.

You would.

And you, madame?

None for me, thanks.

It's an excellent year.

It's audacious and yet endearingly understated.

Well, I usually don't drink, but, well,

tonight feels special.

No thanks.

I would consider it a personal insult to my hospitality

if you did not drink a toast to my dead son, Jaime.

What's the matter with you, Doris.

It smells like an excellent year.

A bit presumptuous, but not too brash.

Sort of fizzy.

Tickles my nose.

She is so cute.

Come on, Doris.

All All right, but I've got a bad feeling.

To those weary travelers who came so unexpectedly

and brought with them such happiness

for a tired old woman.

You don't know what it means to me to have company,

me, a tired old woman with a dead son

who is no longer alive.

Well, I guess you don't get many people here.

You build a little restaurant, you

try to make a way for yourself in your later years,

and what happens?

They move the flipping highway.

And in the name of progress.

Merci beaucoup.

Doris, you're embarrassing me.

Go on.

Now, that's better.

You were right.

What can I tell you?

"I've got a bad feeling," you said.

You've gotta learn to trust those instincts, honey.

They look just like Jaime.

Only bigger.

If Auntie Nelda thinks we are paying for this room,

she is very much mistaken.

I don't think that's what she had in mind.

Why are we tied up?

Where's Tina?

What is going on here?

Let me put it to you gently.

I think this is a trick.

Not again.

I can't stand it when people take advantage

of my trusting nature.

Well, it takes all kinds.

There was something strange about Auntie Nelda.

And my father told me never to eat in restaurants where

the prices weren't on the menu.

Well, it's too late for that now.

Well, I hope they've come to their senses.

My wrists are beginning to chafe.

Tina, boy, am I glad to see you.

Don't be!

She's in it with Auntie Nelda.

Oh, and we had so much in common.

I'll always remember you, Lance.

Here's looking at you, kid.

What's gonna happen to us?

Auntie wants to freeze dry you and use your body parts

to feed her army of zombies.

Well, at least we won't be wasted.

I signed the organ donor card on the back

of my driver's license.

Can-- can you just stand by and--

and let her turn him into part of an army of zombies?

Can you do that to the zombies?

Basically, I'm not a very good person.

[SNORT]

I don't believe that for a minute.

It's true, though.

I've lied, and cheated, and swindled,

and stolen, even killed people.

Well, sure.

Who doesn't have a few things in their past

they'd rather forget?

And besides, I think they sort of add character.

How can you do this?

I don't know.

Otto-- I mean, Auntie Neldie, she'd

be so mad if I let you go.

Well, look at it this way.

I saved you from the killer chickens.

I helped you through the forest.

I-- I tried to open up and relate to you

as one human being to another.

I gave you makeup tips.

You owe me this.

I've never done anything good before.

It's not so bad.

No, it's really easy once you get used to it.

Why, there are times when I can't stop doing good things.

Yeah, it's like eating peanuts.

So Willie, for all your obvious incompetence,

the bouillabaisse was excellent.

And the wine was immaculate.

Gee, thanks, Doc.

Your service, as usual, was atrocious.

But the food was good.

So, Tina, saying goodbye to Mr. Perfect, hm?

If you think that you can get away with this,

you are very much mistaken.

On the contrary, I have gotten away with it.

And as soon as my marginally intelligent assistant prepares

the hardware, I'm going to turn you

into crusty little fragments of your former selves.

Taking advantage of people who are weaker than yourself

is the mark of a bad person.

It's me.

I'm a real sicko.

I suppose you could blame my parents,

but I just can't stop doing nasty things.

It's like eating peanuts.

There you are.

Willie, you imbecile, what have you broken now?

Can you believe the things I have to put up with?

In many ways, I'm almost a saint.

I should live with Jaime, God rest his soul.

Doctor, about the wheel of death--

Are you really going to let this happen?

Don't talk to me anymore!

If you could just undo one hand,

well, we could say I did it myself.

We could say a rat bit through it.

We could say-- - Be quiet!

Oh, all right.

This may not save you, but it'll sure change things.

Great idea!

Cover us up, and we'll lie real still,

and she won't even know we're here.

And it's dark.

She's old.

It could work.

What is this?

It's a transporter shroud.

I'm not sure how it works.

Transporter shroud?

Doris, does this make any sense to you?

Anything makes more sense than becoming

part of an army of zombies!

[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

The hated Lance Sterling escaped.

I hate it.

I hate it.

I hate it.

I hate it.

But I-- I mustn't let those feelings stay inside.

At least, that's what my analyst says.

"Otto, you mustn't keep those feelings inside.

You need to let them out.

Anger can a very healthy thing."

But when I get angry, the thing I want to do most

is destroy something.

But Otto, I didn't do anything wrong.

She did!

Sweet Monique, you've been like a daughter to me.

You've been with me for years, never

complaining, always faithful.

And this is how I repay your loyalty.

Sometimes, I'm disgusting even to myself.

Watch this, Tina.

For abandoning me.

[SCREAMING]

Ah.

It feels so good to get those pent

up anxieties out of the system.

Sorry to interrupt, big guy, but Lance Sterling approaches.

To the changing coffin.

To that old changing coffin.

Now where Are we

Lance, don't ask me any questions.

Don't explain anything to me.

Don't say a word.

Now, let's try to find a way out of here.

Doris, I--

Now, not-- not a word.

Now we're getting somewhere.

Back to good old civilization for me.

Lance.

Lance, wait.

Lance, be careful!

[LAUGHTER]

There you are, Doctor.

Yeah, I got a lot of money, more wealth than you

can possibly imagine.

But I like to think I'm the same unspoiled guy dandy I was

before I inherited every dime.

Yeah, I'm not the only rich person in the world.

There are other rich people.

I know.

I gave them their money.

We have company.

Pardonez-moi.

I'm Guy Daniels.

The Guy Daniel.

The one you heard so much about.

DORIS: Where are we?

You're with me.

And what better opportunity to meet me,

Guy Dandy the man, not just the legend.

How about a little drinkie poo?

Well, sure.

Now, what we really need, Guy, is to use your phone.

What you need, Frankie, is to get up against the wall

and be real quiet.

Why did you do it, Frankie?

We was partners and you double crossed me.

What made you think you could get away with it?

It's happening again, isn't it?

Again.

Now?

[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

Sorry about that senate seat, Lance.

My dad bought me a seat.

SONG: Meet me in Manhattan.

Meet me wearing satin.

Meet me at the rainbow grill.

Meet me.

We'll have a good time there.

Meet me.

It's around there.

Meet me at the rainbow grill.

Everyone who's anyone is there.

It will be an elegant affair.

Meet me for the view there.

Meet me and you there.

Meet me at the rainbow grill.

Things just couldn't be much sweller

at the top of the Rockefeller!

Meet me in Manhattan.

Meet me right at 7:00.

Meet me at the rainbow grill.

I said, meet me at the rainbow grill.

You know what I like best about me?

Everything.

Going down?

[SCREAMING]

Ah, that was wonderful.

Not only was it successful, it was ruthless

and completely unnecessary.

Rhonda Sue, prepare for the final collapse

of the entire world.

Let's go.

The final blast from the gloom beam

will obliterate the women and children from the planet!

And if we're lucky, we could hit a few innocent bystanders.

Let me out of here!

Come on.

Let's get out of here.

You go on without me.

I've got nothing left to give.

Hey, let's go.

I've made such a mess of things.

I let everybody down.

I acted like such a fool.

You were right.

I just didn't pay any attention to you.

Pull yourself together.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

So you're not perfect.

Big deal.

Sure.

It's just like you, Doris.

You're level-headed, clear thinking.

You never give up!

You're grace under pressure personified.

I hate to see you like this.

Hey, come on.

We're a team, you and me!

Yeah.

Yeah, just because we're in the bottom of this dark pit,

and we're gonna die a horrible death.

Oh, Lance.

And everybody is gonna say it was my fault that everything

went wrong, and it was my fault that things went wrong,

and we're gonna die in this hole!

Lance, get a grip on yourself!

You hit me?

I'm in the middle of a personal crisis, and you hit me!

It was for your own good.

Pain is never for your own good, Miss Doris Talbot!

Yeah, sure.

I made some mistakes.

Sure, thing's could have gone better,

but you didn't have to hit me.

[MOANING]

What is this?

A theme park?

This is it?

Oh, great.

I love rides.

[MOANING]

This is Von Schnick ick ick's headquarters.

You may be right.

The riddle said "the evil that lurks."

Where the sun never shines.

Welcome to my side of town, Mr. lance.

Sterling.

It's been a long, long time.

Yeah, it sure has.

Let's see.

You missed our 10th reunion.

I was introducing cholera to the third world nations.

Well, it's a good excuse, but everyone asked about you.

It was nice we could have this little chat before you die.

Willie, kill them.

Oh, Otto, don't you think that's a bit unfair?

I mean, there are two of us.

[WHIRRING]

You can't.

He's indestructible and completely immune to pain.

Doris, why don't you see if you can reason with him?

You've Always.

Been very, very good at mechanical stuff.

Let's dance.

Uh.

Thanks, Doris.

Thanks.

Well, it's just you and me.

Come on.

Fight like a man.

Correction, Mr. Sterling.

That leaves you and us.

It's he who gambled with his brains and a-- a gun, what.

I was he who had an eye but could not see!

It was he who had all and yet had none.

Doris, this is enough.

It was fun.

Now give me the pipe, Doris.

Ow!

Nobody messes with my transmission!

[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

[SCREAMING]

So that's the way you want to play it, huh?

Well, OK.

Now the gloves come off.

Young man, young man.

They're going to make me their love slave.

That's the most outrageous thing I've ever heard.

Stay back, ma'am.

They'll have to come through me to get to you.

My hero.

Von Schnick ick ick!

Well, Miss Doris, your little display was very impressive.

Futile, but impressive.

The gloom beam is now locked on Ottomatic.

There's nothing you can do.

I win.

You lose.

[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

Help, help, help!

Hurry!

[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

LANCE (VOICEOVER): It comes to this,

the choice between right and wrong,

the ultimate decision that every man must face.

Now is that time.

I must draw on the sum total of the things

I've learned here on Earth, from my good breeding,

my sense of style, and color, excellent taste in wines.

How do i decide?

[SCREAMING]

You can do it, Lance.

We're counting on you.

Make me proud, son.

LANCE (VOICEOVER): How do I make this final choice.

[COMPUTER COUNTING DOWN]

One potato, two potato.

COMPUTER: Three potato.

Four.

COMPUTER: One, zero.

Whoopsie.

[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

Boy, you were really something in there,

the way you went after him.

Well, I only did what had to be done.

And Doris, oh!

Yes, You.

Did more than your share too.

Oh, thanks.

Maybe this place will have some gas.

You know, I bet it will.

Sure.

Just because the last 12 places we've

been to have been out of gas for months doesn't mean

that this place will be out.

No, we mustn't get cynical as we get older.

Can we have a fill up?

We ran out of gas down on the highway.

Hey, we got customers.

What's wrong, buddy? Trouble under the hood?

Well, the only trouble we have around here is,

we're out of gas.

Where have you been?

We ain't had any gas since the money went bad.

No dinero, no petro, Comprendo?

Let's go.

I'm tired.

Can we stay here?

We'd better go.

OK.

Thank you.

Hey, girls!

How about a song?

(SINGING): If I were a carpenter,

and you, Doris Talbot and Tina Nelson from White Plains,

you were--

Bye-bye, y'all.

Have a nice day!

Know what I mean?

SONG: When the money is spent to the very last cent,

riots and hatred soon will commence.

And all the world's commerce will be in a bind.

This is going to where the sun never shines.

That's the riddle.

Can you solve it?

I don't think so.

I know you can't.

But if you don't guess the riddle,

the world is going to die soon and you don't stand a chance.

[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

Who has one eye but cannot see?

Who is a he who is a she?

Why do they gamble with brains and guns?

Who has it all and yet has none?

That's the riddle.

Can you solve it?

I don't think so.

I know you can't.

But if you don't guess the riddle,

the world is going to die soon and you don't stand a chance.

[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

That's the riddle.

Can you solve it?

I don't think so.

I know you can't.

But if you don't guess the riddle,

the world is going to die soon and you don't stand a chance.

What has an eye but cannot speak?

What has a mouth but cannot see?

Who is that man and what is that [AUDIO OUT] is the answer?

Is there a plan?