Original subtitles

Thank you.

I liked that.

I really liked that.

Of course.

You're improving.

Nice of you to say so.

Oh, yes, you are.

I know.

Let's try something else while we're still in the mood.

Right. Why don't we try and get rid of all those nasty inhibitions we have?

If you like.

Tell me what you want to do most.

Come again?

You can do anything you like.

I can.

Hold me. Touch me.

I want to be touched.

You do?

I do.

I'll just draw the curtains.

Yes.

Oh,

let me hear those sighs of ecstasy.

Darling, turn me over.

I've got lots more to show you on my other side. Because this is the end of

cassette sex lesson number one.

The clear romance is dead.

I'm not feeling myself tonight, baby, feeling myself tonight.

I'm not feeling myself tonight when you turn on your love and cheese.

But if it's love that you're needing, don't treat.

I'm not feeling myself tonight

Change. What's a lovely young girl like you doing in a dreadful sex institute

like this?

Oh, nice weekend, Mr Sparrow. Pigeon. Oh, you've been shooting, have you? It

wonderful, as you can see.

Oh, thanks very much for asking, Fred.

Oh, any time.

Oh, where were we? Oh, yes.

Wonderful.

Wonderful, wonderful.

Miss Boddy, Miss Boddy, come back, please. I was only... I am a doctor. I

you, I am a doctor.

Well, it's not just your money.

I'm a virgin. I've been saving myself for you.

Oh, hello again, Mr. Starling. Pigeon. Oh, of course, you've been shooting.

Let go.

Sibyl, I've something for you.

Hello, darling. Come back here, Pigeon. Do it yourself.

To all concerned, Marita's has commenced in room 504.

Please do not interrupt us.

As you can see, ladies and gentlemen, there are erogenous zones and erogenous

zones. But mere stimulation does not... Sorry.

Where were we?

Ah, yes.

It's not fair, Cheryl.

Everyone's getting it except me. And I'm the only one who's in love.

Here. Look at me when I'm kissing you.

Morning, John.

So what's the matter with your nose?

Uh, why, uh, why all the new gear?

It'll soon be as trendy as I am.

This is how I should be dressing in the future.

Oh, yes.

You know what?

You need one little accessory to complete the look of a trendy sweep

And what's that?

Your bucket over your head.

So happens that Miss Cheryl Bascom informed me last week.

But there's nothing she liked better than a trendy dresser. My mum's got a

dresser. Now, get your feet off there. And how many times have I told you not

put coffee cups on top of Agnes? She's a very sensitive instrument.

Yeah, and you're just a bloody sweeper -upper.

One of these days, you're going to get court -nicking all this electronic gear

for your experiments.

And how would you suggest I occupy my time?

You need an hobby like me.

The last thing I need is you as my hobby.

What are you taking up this week? Picking the wings off flies, I suppose.

Ah, that was last week.

This week?

I'm really into ringing people's doorbells, counting tin, and then

Fantastic. Yes, great.

Really weird.

Trust me on.

I'm getting very worried about you, Keith.

I know too, John.

Bye, Keith.

See you, John.

to the ejaculation room, please.

Dr. Smith to the ejaculation room.

There's a dance tonight, Cheryl.

I'd like to come.

Oh, these.

Oh, I just picked them up on the Portobello Road.

Somebody thrown them away.

Right. I've done that before, please.

There's a Cheryl tonight dance.

It'd be marvellous.

I mean, there's a dance tonight, Cheryl, so if you can come, I can come, and we

can come together. I mean, go together. I mean, if there's any chance of you

coming, that'd be marvellous.

So don't let me interrupt you if you are coming.

Good morning, Cheryl.

Good morning, pigeon.

Get out and move your bloody bag.

Mr. Lappant, please. Oh, my God, please, will you stop it?

Come in.

Morning, John.

Rush, isn't it?

Pigeon, sir.

This survey, based on Mr. and Mrs. Great Britain's sexual

habits... I can see you up there!

...must be completed and returned.

It is simply a question of fitting it in.

You got that down?

A pigeon, sir.

Not as much.

Where in God's name did you get that ridiculous outfit?

Oh, just picked them up, sir.

So somebody threw it away, eh?

Eh?

Somebody threw it away.

Very funny, sir.

Follow me.

And you bloody well think so.

This is my research team, Tit.

Say hello to Tit, chaps.

Hello, Tit.

What are they researching, sir? Mind your own business. Get on with your

Happy, darling.

attention. If you haven't been pulling, you're away.

I'm pulling everything I can, sir. Yes, well, you'll just have to pull it

harder, won't you?

Did you?

You think so?

Well, let's file.

There.

Good.

I'll be quite sorry when I get my filing cabinet back.

Yes, it's very interesting.

According to these tips, you're only suitable for making a tea.

Well, I... I'm trying to improve myself in my spare time, sir. Well, I hope

you're not doing it in a firm's time. Otherwise, I shall just have to have you

on the carpet.

All right, Joe, that's not fair. It's my turn.

Oh, dear, dear.

So it is.

I'm so sorry.

Get out of here.

Pigeon, we want to be alone.

Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.

Keep your hands off the office furniture. I polished that this morning.

Sorry, sir.

I love you, Penelope.

I can't stand other men touching your body.

No more, John.

Perhaps deep down, Miss Bascombe was gripped with an overwhelming urge to rip

off your sexy satin looms, but somehow managed to suppress it.

Don't take the piss.

Yeah. I don't suppose you want to come to the nuclear physicist's fancy dress

ball tonight, do you? I stole two tickets.

Uh, night flakes.

More dresses at the cleaners.

Besides, I've got an every night fan of me, you know.

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

All them doorbells. All right.

Right, guinea pig.

Get yourself ready for Experiment 13, Series 11.

Now, cop hold of these and stand over there.

Do I have to?

I mean, uh...

This isn't going to make me, you know, sterile, is it? I don't suppose for one

moment, Keith, that you really know what that word means.

Three O -levels.

Right, Agnes is homing straight in on you. I'm commencing the experiment.

This is fascinating.

I've generated a frequency I've never been able to reach before.

You can fly that again.

One more time.

Let me take a reading.

Incredible.

Let me know if you start feeling queer.

Smell effects, sweetie.

I do.

Watch it.

Love me.

Love me.

Yes.

What happened?

Nothing, thank God.

Why don't you go and take a nice long walk in the fresh air?

Yeah, yeah.

Or better still, take a cold shower.

Why not?

And while you're at it, ask Vera to come in and help me finish the experiment,

will you?

Yeah, all right.

John? Yes, Keith?

You won't tell anyone, will you?

What, that you're a raving poofter?

Yeah. Don't worry, Keith.

Your secret's safe with me.

It's a relief.

Alvera? Er, John, would you help him with one of his experiments?

Oh, right.

Mr. Jones, your spell test is waiting.

Your spell test is waiting.

If only I'd known, Cheryl.

If only Keith had told me.

If he'd come to me and said, John, I'm bent, I'm a poof, I'm gay, well, I would

have understood.

Would have kept me distant.

Kicked his teeth in, and that would have been that.

That rejuvenating

drug's quite powerful, isn't it? Oh, they haven't been on the rejuvenating

They're just dirty old men.

What's up with your nose?

Nothing. What do you want me for?

Well, I wondered if you could help me with an experiment.

Keith's indisposed.

But I just run into him in the corridor.

He didn't seem indisposed to me.

Well, I had to send him out for a bit.

He wasn't feeling himself. You can say that again.

Well, he wasn't feeling himself.

Hello? Hello, ma 'am.

It's a key for you.

Hello, dear. How are you?

All right.

Ma 'am, I want to ask you something.

Yes, dear?

Would you say I was bent for raving pufter?

Certainly, dear.

You're bent and a raving pufter.

No, no, I mean... Would you say I was...

G -A -Y.

G -A -Y?

Um, no, I don't think so, dear.

Why do you ask?

Just wondered.

Oh, fancy.

Thanks, Mum.

All right, dear.

Bye -bye.

Bye -bye.

Oh, that's better.

Who was it, Ethel?

Keith, dear.

What do you want?

Wasn't I abused a bit of a poof?

What did you say?

I said no.

Bye, Mum.

Running the family's bad enough.

Now, hop over these.

No, no, no.

You're looking gay today.

I'd rather you didn't use that word, Vera.

Right.

This is fascinating.

I'm generating a frequency five, six, seven times higher than usual.

Tell me, Vera, what do you feel like?

A bit of the other. A bit of the other.

Vera.

Here, let's go.

Let go.

Oh, I love you, John.

Vera, Vera, will you please get off? For crying out loud.

Oh, you're on top of my... Don't change.

Now, get off.

I... I don't know what come over me.

It was a bucket of water, love.

Here.

Rub yourself down.

It's going to be one of them days.

You'll bear me out, Agnes.

How many times have I told Keith that coffee cups...

Spoil your delicate mechanism.

It's all in the closet sign.

Tell me, Nutbrown, what exactly is everyone doing around here, besides

one hell of a time?

Measuring orgasms, sir. What?

Just like every other two -bit sex clinic?

Quite honestly, I expected to see something a little more adventurous

here, you know. Have you seen our scheme for relieving destructive orgasms?

Well, don't they come under your national health?

Can you tell me why they are crossing jaguars with rabbits in the U .S., are

they? Oh, why are they crossing jaguars with rabbits in the U .S., are they? To

make a fast buck.

You were nearly fired, then. Agnes can get me any woman I want.

Even Cheryl.

But she'll need modifying.

Who, Cheryl?

No, Agnes.

Not Brown, if that is indeed your name.

I want something to show the delegates at next week's International Sex

Congress. Something bulging with worldwide appeal.

Grab your wallet. I heard that.

There we are. British technical know -how.

You just can't beat it.

Yeah, look at Europe.

There's just one thing, though. What's that?

Agnes must work only for me.

I alone must control her.

Of course you must, yeah.

Now then, we must link her to the Institute's computer.

Are you sure you know what you're doing, John?

Yeah. The instructions in home electronics were quite specific.

You're fantastic.

I know.

Feed in the cards.

Go on, then. Feed the cards in.

Have you finished yet?

Yeah.

Good.

Amazing what you can do during your dinner hour, innit?

Well, the hard part of the job's almost finished.

Oh, really?

What's the easy part, Einstein?

Building a portable model during the shop steward's tea break. Come on, let's

go.

Right, I'm taking the rest of the day off. Try out the portable model in the

field, so to speak.

You're in charge, so cover up for me.

Right.

Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

I've warned you about this sort of thing before.

Many times.

Who cares about warnings? I want to live dangerously.

I want to feel the long arm of your Lord.

Don't care?

Doris.

Doris. Oh, Doris.

Doris. Careful now, Doris.

Doris, what am I supposed to do now? And when we're on duty as well, we...

Listen, son, step on the gas and don't worry about speeding.

Sorry, engine trouble.

Doris, I must warn you, anything you say will be taken down.

Knickers, Gavin, knickers.

Come back, Gavin, come back.

Gavin, you can punch my ticket any time.

Oh, Doris, Doris, you can't take the law into your own hands.

Doris, that's my truncheon pocket.

Every time I deliver your bloody mail, sir.

Thank you, postman.

Look at that. There ought to be a law.

Oh, there is. Well, thank you, postman.

That'd be years ago.

14th Wilsdon Scout Movement.

Having a bit of a waste paper drive. Anything you might like to contribute?

Well, it's funny you should say that, Tenderfoot.

Come right in.

Lead on, Squire.

Mr. Swift!

Pigeon, what is it?

There's some people here who want a word with you.

Oh, really?

This is a disgusting piece of rubbish, your property.

No, he's from the 14 pools and true.

I mean the indecent contents of this van.

Oh, yes, that's mine.

I am Mary Watchtower of the Clean Up the World campaign, and these are some of

the members of my committee.

We would appreciate an immediate explanation.

I think I could satisfy you.

I am pleased to hear that. Just hang on a minute.

You're getting the right vibrations up.

Not in the car.

Here, keep it down with the back there.

Now watch closely, Doctor.

This is the scene where the burglar leaps naked out of the shower and

the au pair girl while she's cleaning the oven.

This one's so much fun. More technical than the others.

And very much more corrupting.

Give me a kiss.

Funny how they always keep their socks on.

Morning,

Pete. Morning.

Fortunately, I'm in a good mood. Otherwise, I might have to confiscate

marbles. You leave my marbles alone.

Where did the taste go?

Faultlessly.

Today, the Institute.

Tomorrow, Miss Cheryl Baskin.

Well, she wouldn't do that, Keith.

Nothing can stop me now.

Yeah, except dead from sex, you look forward to. Yes, I do have that to look

forward to.

That you would.

That's just a moron. Mate.

Oh, it's you, Johnny.

Oh, hello, Fred. I didn't recognise you without your broom.

I thought you were one of these junkies that shoot up on the gents.

They must be a big problem to you.

Not really.

Why not?

Well, we don't get any of them here.

Now peel yours. Your nipple distension tests are ready.

Your nipple distension tests are ready.

Right, Cheryl.

With love, from me to you.

Good morning, John. You busy?

No, no, Fred.

Fred, Fred, open this door. Fred, Fred.

Fred.

Now stop that, Fred.

Fred.

Fred,

I know you're in there.

Oh, thank you, thank you. I needed that.

Bye darling Why

do they always keep this All

right

you go switch on the current

Where's Cheryl?

I'm a temp on loan.

From Robert Price.

Come, baby.

My name's Wendy. What's yours?

Julian Lestrange.

And I must warn you, Wendy, I'm a practicing homosexual.

Stop practicing, Julian.

You're perfect as you are.

Let me show you what you've been missing.

Wendy?

Now, Wendy?

think, say.

It's always much better after a chase, isn't it?

Wendy, hi Wendy. Oh, I love Spain too.

I went there for my house.

Wendy. Olé.

body's broken.

I banged myself bloody badly on that basket.

You certainly measured your length in that corridor.

I was lucky to escape with my dignity intact.

Not to mention my manhood.

Your manhood?

I told you not to mention my manhood.

Big, isn't it? Yeah.

GPO tower.

Oh, yeah.

goes.

It takes 15 seconds

to get up it.

I wonder what got into her.

Who? Wendy.

Attacking you like that.

You.

Pleasuring Fred the janitor.

I know. I just felt compelled to.

And on each occasion, that horrible little... What's his name? Tom Tit?

Pigeon. Precisely. He was there.

I wonder if he's up to anything devious in that nasty little cubbyhole of his.

I shouldn't think so.

A notice was in his writing.

You ought to get some rest.

Why don't you go home?

I should, shouldn't I?

Can I give you a lift?

My place.

I'm afraid I've got to stay late.

I've got to finish off what Wendy didn't get down to.

Pity.

Oh, no, sir.

Sir?

Sir?

Sir? Sir?

Sir? Sir?

That's better. I needed that.

Thought you'd gone, sir.

All right, sir, you sound a bit gruff.

If an eight -foot nymphomaniac of ample proportions had fallen on top of you,

you'd sound a bit gruff.

John! Cheryl.

When you're feeling like it, just step inside.

I've always wanted you, John.

And I've always wanted to feel you too, Cheryl.

I mean... I know what you mean.

We both know what you mean.

Well, I'm glad we both know what we know.

I mean... I just can't seem to get

your dress undone.

Just rip it off, then I don't care.

Right.

Anything of yours?

Anything.

Oh.

Sorry about my dickie.

I just can't seem to keep it down.

Excuse me.

This is not an excuse me, so piss off and find your own bird.

Just what are you up to, Janet?

Oh, nothing, sir. We were both working late, so I decided to lay on a light

supper and a couple of drinks.

Miss Bascombe looks as though she's had one too many already.

Oh, my God. What happened?

I don't know.

I just got here myself.

Well, goodbye, Miss Bascombe.

And thank you for the dance.

And you too, sir.

I'm sorry.

I just wasn't feeling myself.

It was that creep, Nut Brown. He said he'd forgotten his car keys.

So near and yet so far.

But I'm learning all the time.

Agnes requires still greater development.

I need a faster response and a remote control unit. That's what I need.

What you need is to give Miss Cheryl Baskin one.

I wish you wouldn't do that, Keith.

Oh, but listen, you'll never feed your other ear, mate.

What do you mean?

Well, it stands to reason, doesn't it?

You can't expect to get a knee trembling in this building like bloody Paddington

Station.

What you want to do is to take Agnes around to Cheryl's flat. You'll get her

her own then.

That's not a bad idea for a congenital idiot.

Turgeon.

Oh, the black one's the more favourite.

Well,

when you're finished, you can start cleaning the cleaning store up.

Our tame American benefactor, Trampus D.

Hildebrand, is making a tour of inspection.

And what goes on in there?

Well, it sure sounds intriguing, Nutbrown.

Just exactly what is going on in here, Nutbrown?

This is the sonic research department, sir. Mr. Pigeon here is in charge and

his assistant.

Oh, glad to know you, Ryan.

A pigeon, sir.

Likewise. Now, tell me, Swallow, what branch of sonic research are you into?

This particular bag is autoepidisiac, sir.

Autoepidisiac? That would be invaluable to our lifestyle.

Now, Brown, why isn't this man in larger surroundings?

Oh, he's going to be moved to larger surroundings next week, sir.

I am?

You are.

He is.

Fine, fine. Well, keep up the good work, my lord, and...

I look forward to wrapping with you at Mr. Nutbrown's dinner party tomorrow

evening. You are coming, aren't you?

No, it's just briefing, Everleigh.

Yes, he is coming, sir, yes. Oh, I am? You are.

He is?

Good. Well, see you then, Coot.

Pigeon, sir. And thank you very much. I expected it.

Right boy.

Right boy.

You're right about that.

Thanks to me, you've been invited to Nutbrown's tomorrow night.

As it happens, Keith.

I'm more interested in Cheryl's tonight.

I wish you wouldn't do that, Keith.

Yes, Mr. Nutbrown?

Would you bring your body, I mean your book in here, please, Miss Baskin? Yes,

right away, Mr. Nutbrown.

That was a party political broadcast.

Now, just starting on BBC One, a new series entitled Disasters.

While here on two, we continue with episode five of the French Direction.

Unknown to Mildred, the Nisan amateur racist has secreted himself in

her walnut -veneered plywood wardrobe.

and awaited her coming.

Yes, wardrobe.

No, no, not wardrobe.

It's John.

John Pigeon.

I'm in the wardrobe.

Oh, John, I knew it was you.

I've had this feeling before.

Come to me quickly.

Would you mind unlocking the door, then?

Alone, my dear one.

As far as I can tell, my pet.

I've wanted you for so long.

Open the door, my sweetheart.

I can't, my hero.

Why not, my dearest?

Because it's locked, my pet.

Well, get the key, my one and only love.

Where is it, my sweet?

Look for the bloody thing.

I can't find it.

That's what you think.

You don't think I'm too bumpy, as you said. He shook his head like so much

I wish he wouldn't do that.

Tiger. What are you up to in there, Dennis? Hunky -punky?

I'm not having that in my house.

That's a ritual.

Open up! Open up!

It is open.

Yeah, I know that.

You think Waldo fell on top of that?

Perhaps she needs a doctor.

Now then, my dear.

Stop struggling.

Tell me what happened. There's a good girl.

Did you say good girl?

Did you say your name was?

Dennis.

What can I do for you?

Chase me.

All right.

Naughty, naughty Danny.

Oh, yes he is. So active and so feral.

Is this a private party or can anybody join in? Naughty, naughty.

How'd you make out last night, John?

Eh?

Terrific, eh?

Would you give her one?

Eh?

Go on, let me in on all those blurry details.

Eh?

Eh?

I wish you wouldn't do that, Keith.

I don't hold a grudge.

You're a genius.

I forgive you.

What trip are you on now, then?

No trip.

I've discovered a new, improved Agnes.

Double the range, double the power.

Double the bleeding trouble.

Obviously, it's not in my stars that Miss Bascombe should satisfy my cruel,

carnal desires.

However, I do seem to be able to turn on every other bugger in sight, and I

intend to do just that.

When? Where?

Tonight, at Nut Brown's party.

The people don't know it's you.

You'll get your cards.

The subjects never know what's hidden.

It is true.

Oh, Keith.

Yeah?

I'm sorry I hit you earlier with my subsidised fruit.

Something just snapped. You know how it is.

Oh, it's all right, John.

As I said, one has to make an answer for genius.

Thanks.

Cheers, John.

Wish you wouldn't do that, Keith.

I say, wouldn't you think in this day and age that the presence of matter in

space is associated with the warping of the continuum in the neighborhood?

then it must follow that scientific concepts secure the meaning from the,

a veritable set of operations involved.

Hmm? I don't know.

I never watched Star Trek.

Oh. Well, get me a bloody gin and tonic, will you, waiter?

Get it yourself.

Silly old fart.

Hello, John.

Oh, hello, Miss Batcombe. Fancy seeing you here.

Call me Cheryl.

Cheryl. Mr. Nutbrown needed me to be charming to his foreign visitors.

Lucky foreign visitors.

Hey, do you mind sitting next to me at dinner?

Oh, I'd love it.

Otherwise Mr. Nutbrown's going to be groping me all through starters.

Have you met the wife?

Attention, attention.

A table tout le monde.

The dinner's ready and the avocados are getting soggy.

Shall we?

Why not?

After you.

I'll catch you up.

You know, I was going to do something really outrageous tonight, Cheryl, till

met you.

But I've had second thoughts about it now.

I think you've done very well already, John.

Thank you, Cheryl.

Come here.

It's you, Cheryl.

Just a moment, OK?

Bye, Cheryl.

Hey, where's my bloody gin and tonic?

Oh, I hadn't forgotten about it.

I'll get it now.

Just wait.

There.

Hey, hey, look at that. Look at that.

I'm not interested in that. I'm more interested in Swan's infirmary. Hit him.

Whatever he called it, that, uh, that, uh... Audio aphrodisiac. Audio

aphrodisiac, no.

Now, Miss Batchelor, you have to find out all about it, where he keeps it, how

it works. In other words, the works. Look, I wish I didn't have to do this,

Nutbrow. He's really a very nice person. Yeah, and a wonderful human being. I

know, I know.

Listen, Miss Batchelor, there's no room for all that crap.

Right now, the facts are these.

The Sex Research Congress is in two days' time, and we've got to get his

by then. Now, go to it. I am, I am.

Look, I don't want to do it. Well, shut your eyes and think of England.

Oh, no, no, Mr. Nutbrow. That's not what I had in mind.

We are in your house, you know.

Like they always do it with that sock on.

Not what I had in mind at all.

Here.

Here.

Here.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Ray, man.

Pigeon. What? Can I have your attention, please?

I suddenly have this uncontrollable urge to hold you very less.

You'll have to catch me first.

Do you do anything else but talk? Once in a while.

Thank God you're not.

Oh, I bet you invited the biggest in your class.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, please.

Now, what are the times?

Noddy boy. Noddy boy.

I'm coming to get you, Trampus. No, no, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Let's play statues.

Who am I?

Who? The Statue of Liberty.

But don't you take any.

Here I come.

Is that a prize?

He writes for a boy from New England, I tell you.

Get out of my face, Martin!

Fidget.

I've lost my glasses.

The brandy.

Disgusting. Oh, no thanks, sir.

One bottle's enough.

Now, I expect you're wondering why I asked you here.

Well, actually, sir,

I was wondering where Carsey was.

That concerns yesterday evening.

I thought it might. I have reason to believe, I mean, I don't know why, that

was you who organised that little debacle, little floor show that ended an

otherwise civilised evening in suburban south -west London.

Well, whatever gave you that idea, sir? Sit back!

Here,

Mr Nutbrow, you can't treat me like that.

This is Great Britain in the 20th century.

Great Britain was never in the 20th century.

Now then, where is your infernal machine?

I'm not telling you. You're not having it. Are you kidding? Everybody's been

having it for the last week.

Where's Agnes?

I mean to have her.

Never.

Is that your final word?

I'm sorry.

You've asked for it.

Heidi!

Yes, sir?

Bring in the research team.

Certainly, sir.

Go.

Right, men.

Right, sir.

I found what it is. What are you going to do to me?

Sorry, sir. We lost him. We just couldn't take it.

Never mind, Heidi.

There's more than one way to skin a cat.

Did anyone ever tell you that you have assassinating eyes?

Come here, you naughty bundle.

Yes, uncle.

So far.

So good.

But we still need more information.

I don't know anymore.

Honestly.

Talk, kid.

Otherwise we're going to let the fuzz in on how you get your kits.

What do you mean?

What do we mean?

We mean doorbells, Keith. We mean doorbells.

You wouldn't. Thought you'd kept it under wraps, didn't you?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Don't give me that.

You know that you're the phantom doorbell ringer of Dollis Hill, aren't

Aren't you?

Yes!

Yes! Yes!

Let me talk to my mum.

Depends on you, kid.

What do you want to know?

First, Woodcock.

Pigeon. has invented a sex machine that turns people on by means of high

-frequency sound waves, right?

Right. Fair!

Where is it?

Please, isn't it in here somewhere, but... Even

if you take it, you won't understand it!

Only he knows how it's been programmed!

This sounds like my back, Nutbrown. There isn't a computer code I can't

I think we'd better get to the computer room, sir. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

What about the kid?

Don't worry about him, sir.

Ding dong.

It's a broken man, sir.

I remind you that this machine cost two million dollars.

These bargain offers are all the same.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

I've got an idea.

It's an old one, but it might just work.

Eureka! I've done it. That's it. I've done it. I've done it.

How?

Psychology. I told this heap of electrons... that if it didn't come up

goods, I'd replace it with a human being.

We still haven't got Agnes, though, have we?

Oh, I think your secretary will be able to help us out there.

A -H -J?

From here on in, we're on cloud number seven.

Nothing can possibly go wrong.

Thank you, Nutbrown.

Remind me to give you a raise.

Excuse me, sir. Yes? Give me a raise.

How much did you tell him, then?

Only about the computer.

Thanks very much.

I'm sorry, John.

I didn't mean to.

It was the splinters at the nail foot, did it?

I'll give you splinters at the bum if you tell him any more.

What are you going to do now, then?

Oh, I've got one or two little things up my sleeve.

Yeah.

Here, we're finished together.

Shape? Already am.

I've invented the new, improved Agnes, Mark III.

Blondie, what does she do?

Like the better, you know.

Better than that, Keith. She can penetrate solid matter.

Yeah?

What are you going to use her for?

Another attempt on Cheryl, of course.

Why? You say to yourself. She's beginning to play it interesting, yeah?

good Nut Brown told her to.

What you need is to take us somewhere really secluded.

Somewhere nobody else goes.

How about our local cinema?

Yeah!

Nah.

How about the company's secret executive 30 weekend hideaway in Isha that

nobody's supposed to know about?

I could go tomorrow.

While Nut Brown's in... sex congress.

Yeah, yeah, and you could also tell Cheryl that in keeping with your new

position, you and I would be given an assignment down there.

Sheer brilliance.

Runs in a family.

My uncle was a judge, and my auntie was his wife.

First there, sir. We should share the profits.

Fifty -fifty.

Sixty -fourty, you crumb. It's my institute.

Yes, well, it's my project.

Fifty -fifty.

Fifty -nine -forty -one and not a cent more.

Fifty -fifty.

No way, Not Brown, no way.

Fifty -fifty.

Definitely not.

I refuse to discuss this anymore. Fifty -fifty.

That's my last word. For God's sake, fifty -fifty.

Come in, John.

He's a fast worker.

Who?

Agnes.

Just a friend of mine.

Wait, laddie. Tell Keith about this.

What was that?

Nothing.

Nothing to worry.

I've got the machine.

Soon I'll have something.

Oi! Bring that back! She's mine!

The swine! They've got Agnes!

We don't need her, John.

So long, suckers.

OK, H .J.

Let's burn some rubber. Radio W.

Come on, I'm coming.

What the hell?

Crummy foreign car.

What have we here?

Attention!

Don't move!

Goodbye,

you mother... Come on, let's get a bus.

International Sex Research Congress. Thank you very much, sir. First on the

right, the Western Suite.

International Sex Research Congress, 1st on the right, 3rd of Western Street,

thank you very much.

International Sex Research Congress, 1st on the right... Oh, it's our... 1st on

the left, down the corridor.

Got a small drawing on the door.

You're the one with trousers.

Ladies and gentlemen, and others.

Welcome to the 17th International Sex Research Congress, being held ever so

gently.

for the first time in dear old London time.

And then we have to open with an apology.

We have to cancel the first item on the agenda, the autogenetic notation for

experimentation with sound, or as it is known to the cognoscente agonist.

Unfortunately, the developers of this device have been unable to join us. So

us turn instead to a gentleman.

was recently been receiving a great exposure in the Department of Printing.

Oh, really, I'm sorry.

It gives me very great pleasure to... Hold on!

Yes, sir, no. But I was referring, of course, to Professor Leetcock. The name

Trampus D. Hildebrand, and this is my invention.

Oh! S .J. Nutt -Brown. And this is my invention. Mr.

Hildebrand, Mr.

Invention, and this is... Agnes!

I decide, without fear of interruption, that when you see this little beauty

here in action, you will not believe your eyes.

Because Agnes, that's what I call her, is an instantaneous audio aphrodisiac.

Instantaneous audio aphrodisiac?

Absolutely.

Developed by me.

Friends,

I know what you're thinking.

Actions speak louder than words.

Therefore...

and my charming assistant, Heidi, to aid me in a little demonstration.

International sex research, comrades.

Yes, that's right. Has it started?

May I have your invitation, please? I'm afraid we haven't got any. A nerd

missile without an invitation, sir. But you see, there's two men in there trying

to steal my invention, and I've got to stop them.

Would they be an American gentleman and an English gentleman, sir? They would.

And they are trying to steal your invention?

Yes. It is.

Well, I can understand your concern. Good.

There's far too much of this sort of thing going on, you know. Yes, there

certainly is. Yes, there certainly is. And it should be stopped.

Right, can I go in then? No.

Now look here, whoever you are, you, woodcock, pigeon.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce you to another of our esteemed

colleagues without whom the development of Agnes would not have been possible.

We were merely trying to help market Agnes for you, get the best deal,

-wise.

Switch.

The model's untested. Well, let's test it.

Flick that switch.

Do that barge.

Flick it.

Okay.

You're going to be sorry, though.

Gosling, what the hell is going on here? This sound is driving everyone crazy.

Gosling, can you hear me?

I knew this was going to happen. She's programmed for a gunshot.

Darling, I love you when you're angry.

I'm going to grab him too.

Mr. Pigeon.

What, in the car again this evening, do you?

Yes, in that case.

Just stay there until I send for you.

Morning, John.

Morning, Keith.

I'm going there for me holidays.

Where's that?

George Philip and Sam Limitless.

London.

Just what do you think you're playing at? Well, now that all the press

you, we don't have to work so hard, do we?

Maybe not.

But I'm still going to get Cheryl, even if it kills me.

You don't want to bubble that machine no more, sonny.

Now that we've made it, the girl fancies you.

I'm not Steve McQueen. True.

And there's no reason on earth why anybody should fancy me.

Yeah, it's tough at the top.

Kindly allow me to do things my way. Get your feet off my desk and go and see if

she's in.

Okay, John.

Is she in?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, she's in, she's in.

Right, well, send her in and get out.

I wish you wouldn't do that, Keith.

Chicken. Keith, are you a trader?

Absolutely, me arm pulls for things.

You're done, blue -eye.

Well, do it my way.

Keith!

Well, I'd like to, well, uh, John.

But I'm taking Michelle Baskin, the future Mrs.

Keith Fury, to a disco.

Damn. Don't!

Kate.

Help!

I wish you wouldn't do that, sir.

Help!

I'm not feeling myself tonight.

Baby, feeling myself tonight.

I'm not feeling myself tonight. When you turn around.

I'm loving this.