Original subtitles

- hot in cleveland is recorded

In front Of a live studio audience.

- where do I begin?

My business is in shambles.

I'm about to be deported.

My fake fiance dumped me,

So I can't even keep A phony relationship going.

Oh, and yesterday I lost a tooth.

No warning, Just sneezed...

My upper-right molar flew out, Landed in my purse.

So be honest.

Do you think I'm projecting Feelings of insecurity

Because I'm clinically codependent?

- I think this works better If you come closer

To the crystal ball.

- no offense, But I can't stare

At that ridiculous ball.

- no problem. We go off the ball.

Now, I give you Something to help,

But you have To keep open mind.

They are spanx.

- spanx?

I'm confused, Not to mention offended.

- these not ordinary spanx...

Magic spanx.

They shape and control...

The future.

- right. Magic spanx.

Do you validate parking?

Because I'd like to get Something out of this.

"Cute oliver."

"Cute oliver"?

Oh, my god. Cute oliver...

The guy I met at the market A few months ago.

- spanx is working.

- hello. Yes, this is joy.

Of course I remember you...

Tall, brown eyes, Wobbly wheel on your cart.

Oh.

Saturday night.

Brilliant.

I will see you then. Bye.

- $300.

- $300 for a pair of spanx?

- I'll save them For the next customer.

- do psychics take Credit cards?

- anything but discover.

- these things have brought us Nothing but misery.

I say we burn them.

- ooh, I don't know. Do you think it's legal?

You can't burn leaves anymore.

- oh, please.

You can burn anything.

I once set fire To ryan o'neal's porsche.

Well, he wasn't in it.

- cincinnati blows!

- oh, indians lose again?

- ugh.

We got swept by the reds...

Stupid interleague play.

- I bet all the ladies From the senior center

Were pretty bummed On the bus ride home, huh?

- there were more balled-up Tissues on that floor

Than in a teenage boy's Bedroom.

- elka!

- what?

Teenagers cry a lot...

'cause they want it so bad,

And they're Just not getting any.

- listen...

I know it's not a great time To be a fan,

But come on.

You are a grady's lady.

And win or lose, Grady sizemore is still

One of the best-looking Players around, right?

- he did help me learn How to use google images.

So what are you Three bats doing

Flapping around the fireplace?

- we were about To set these ablaze.

- you're burning a girdle?

- it's not a girdle.

- well, it looks Like a girdle.

- no, it's spanx. It's a shaper.

- so it's a girdle.

- it's a compression garment That makes a smooth line

Under your clothes.

- oh.

Oh, I have a compression garment Like that.

It's called a girdle.

- so why do you have To burn the spanx?

- I was so desperate For advice,

I went to a psychic, And she swore

These would bring me luck, But they didn't.

- well, obviously, the only Authentic psychics are in l.A.

- I know it's silly, But the moment I touched these,

This guy I'd been dying To hear from suddenly called.

We made a date, I slipped on the magic spanx,

And I truly believed things Were finally

Going to turn around for me.

- I like where this is heading.

- joy?

- oliver.

Wow. A tux.

And I was worried I was overdressed.

- no, you look great.

Um, please come in.

- I'm so glad This finally happened.

- joy, this is awkward.

I think on the day we met At the market,

I met another lady, A young lady,

Not that you're not young.

But I'm looking For a babysitter

For my three-year-old son, And I think

I wrote down her number Next to yours,

So when I called you...

- you were looking For a babysitter.

- I am so sorry.

You know, I didn't remember The babysitter

Having an english accent, But then I thought, "Great.

She sounds just Like mary poppins."

- yes, well, It's gonna take more

Than a spoonful of sugar To make this one go down.

- I am so sorry, and I...

I know this Is out of line,

But would you consider Staying anyway?

I wouldn't ask, But I'm in a bind.

Tonight's a really Big night for me.

I'm proposing To my girlfriend.

Could this possibly Get any worse?

- oh, you're right. You're right.

This isn't fair.

I shouldn't ask you to stay.

I'm just gonna call The restaurant.

Probably can't stop The fireworks, but, uh...

- oh, all right. I'm here.

I might as well stay.

- oh, thank you.

Thank you. I'm just so nervous

About the proposal.

I've been practicing all day.

And, uh, would you mind If I run it by you?

You're not joking.

Okay, fine.

- my darling, angelique.

- "Angelique."

- before I ever laid Eyes on you,

My life was filled with love, Laughter, and song.

- well, that's pretty.

- and then I saw your face,

And I knew I'd never Heard music,

Never laughed, never truly loved Until that moment.

- I like that bit as well.

- my darling, darling...

- joy. - angelique...

Will you marry me?

- I will.

I do. I shall.

- okay!

I'm feeling Much more confident now.

All right, so listen.

Jacob's pull-ups are In the bathroom cabinet.

He's pretty much Potty trained now,

But he still likes To wear one on his head.

- ha. Who doesn't?

- hey, jacob, come on out And meet your babysitter.

- what happened To pretty cindy?

- oh, sorry, kid.

- yes, tonight, You're stuck with

"Why did I buy a new dress" Joy.

- oh, how humiliating.

Tell it again.

Oh, okay, fine.

So what did the spanx Do to you?

- well, not to belittle Your experience, joy,

But your experience is So much smaller than mine was.

So it was still a few days Before joy needed the spanx,

So I thought, "Well, I'm poor and out of work.

That's the perfect time To believe in magic."

Within an hour Of putting them on,

My agent called me With an audition in new york

For a major motion picture.

Oh, amanda.

Of course I'll forgive you.

No matter what you do,

You'll always be My little girl.

Hello?

- oh, hi. Perfect timing.

Melanie, This is victoria chase.

Victoria, you must know Melanie griffith.

- of course. Melanie, we've never met,

But I love your work. - I love your work.

- and I love your shoes. - and I love your shoes.

- and I love my shoes.

Why don't I start The tape rolling

So you two can read Together?

- okay. - read together?

- yeah, I'm amanda.

I'll be playing your daughter In the movie.

- you're playing my dau...

You're playing my daughter?

Obviously, there has been Some sort of mistake.

- what kind of mistake?

- melanie,

You're a beautiful, Talented woman,

But I am not sure That an audience

Would buy you as my daughter.

I mean, come on.

Look at us. We're virtually the same age.

Okay, good. Fine. Wonderful.

Let's just jump right in.

- okay.

Oh, amanda.

Of course I'll forgive you.

No matter what you do, You'll always be my little...

My little...

You caught me.

You see, I didn't actually Read the script.

um, is this some sort Of avatar, cgi thing?

Perhaps we're both green With tails.

- no. - I see.

Then am I getting punked? Should I act surprised?

- no.

- c'est une comedie grotesque?

- you mean the french conceit Where the roles of the play

Are cast with the most Unsuitable actors possible?

No.

- let's just run the scene

And try to have fun With it, okay?

Melanie, why don't you start?

- all right.

Mother, there's nothing left For me in gatorsburg,

But if I leave, will you ever Be able to forgive me?

Oh, amanda...

Of course I'll forgive you.

No matter what you do here...

- victoria, Just read it normally.

- normally?

Why, whatever do you mean?

- he means just use Your regular voice.

You know, my own mother is only A few years older than you.

You take that back.

Nobody knows how old I am.

I am an evergreen.

- well, maybe we should just Cut you in half

And count the rings.

- you know, it is just So crazy to think

That anyone with eyes Could believe that I bore you.

- actually, you do bore me.

- how dare you?

You busty, Bleach-blonde bombshell.

- hey, I am a natural blonde.

But while we're On the subject,

You might want to rethink Those gray hairs

That you're passing off As highlights.

- I bet the only magazine You ever read is highlights.

- ooh. Nice comeback...

Mommy.

Don't you walk away from me.

- ah-ya!

You forget that I did All my own stunts

in crazy in alabama.

- and you forget a little Lifetime original movie

called soccer mom ninja.

- ah!

- so clearly, I have been cursed

By these stupid spanx.

Now all over show business, Victoria chase

Is known as A "Difficult actress."

- to watch?

- oh, elka.

Dear, sweet, Shar-pei in a sweatshirt elka.

- so what do you blame The girdle for?

- oh, well, in my case, I just wanted

To look better in the dress I was wearing.

See, I've had my eye on This cute guy for a few weeks,

And he goes into stormi's Every saturday,

So I thought I would take The spanx out for a stroll.

- hi. Is this seat taken?

- uh, no.

Although I keep Putting my coat on it

And taking my coat back off And putting it back on again.

I'm sort of saving it For this cute guy over there

Who doesn't even know I exist.

And why am I still talking?

You just want to sit. I'm sorry.

Sit, please.

- thanks.

You know, I'm kind of here For the same reason.

There's this really cute guy I've been watching.

- oh, no.

Does he look like rob lowe,

Only blonder and, Ironically, smarter?

Is he playing darts over there?

Please tell me He's not playing darts.

- no, it's the bartender.

- ben!

Oh, we always thought He was gay.

But you just go for it.

Would you like me To introduce you?

Because we're sort of friends. - oh, no. I'm way too shy,

Which is why I wrote him this note.

Maybe you could give it To him for me.

I mean, kind of romantic, Right?

- oh, yeah. Sure...

In a third grade Sort of way.

Ben, if I had a note From somebody who liked you,

Would you be hoping it was From a girl or a guy?

- that depends On what it says.

- here.

What? What are you doing?

Ben?

"Empty the cash register. I have a gun"?

That's not very romantic.

Oh! Ooh.

- thanks.

And good luck with your guy. - oh, thank...

- let me through! I'm a doctor!

- a doctor?

I mean, help her!

Somebody call an ambulance!

Stat!

- thanks.

- I need more Than these napkins

To make a tourniquet.

I need something With compression.

Does anybody here have anything That's strong and stretchy?

It's a matter Of life or death!

- I have something That can help.

But you have to turn away.

I said turn away.

- you know, these spanx Really look great

While you're wearing 'em,

But they Are not pretty to take off.

I mean, as soon as you Roll down the waistband,

This creates this totally Unnatural spillage, right?

It's like your stomach Is a volcano,

And layers of molten lava

Was just, like, Flapping over the top.

- okay, I've heard enough.

Stop blaming An innocent girdle.

You're desperate.

You're vain.

And you're gullible.

- I say we burn her too.

Oh, right after I speak To my agent.

Here.

- oh, I'll get it.

Oh, hi. It's you.

Dr..."I'm a doctor."

Yeah, I'm sorry. Actually, I don't know your name.

- I'm aaron. - I'm...

- melanie hope moretti.

I have your wallet. - oh.

- you must have dropped it

When you were trying To give me your girdle.

- spanx.

- you're welcome.

Anyway, your license Had your address...

- oh! You saw my license?

I mean, yeah, sure, The address is correct,

But, you know, The weight and the age,

It's totally typos.

And that picture.

- that picture's adorable.

- oh, stop it.

You're just saying that.

Say it again.

- okay, how about Over dinner this week?

- well, That would be perfect,

Because I'm gonna be hungry This week.

- I'll call you tomorrow. - I'll answer tomorrow.

And I'll stop doing that.

Don't burn the spanx.

I just got a date With the dreamy doctor.

- and I just got a job.

The videotape of my tussle With melanie griffith

Made the rounds of a few Prominent casting directors,

And I have been offered A star turn

on all my children opposite...

Susan lucci.

- will you be playing Her mother too?

- no.

I am going to chew her up And spit her out

And hope there's a mouthwash Strong enough

To get the taste of bitch Out of my mouth.

I am back!

- congrats.

Let's celebrate this With a glass of wine

In front of a roaring fire Of spanx.

- no! I need those for my date.

- I'll buy you a new pair With my babysitting money.

Where are my matches?

Jacob.

- what is it?

- the little boy I babysat for Drew this picture of me.

- oh, it's a smiley face.

- he got the stick-figure Part right.

- well, it's not very good.

- he's just three.

- so how come you're smiling In that picture

If you had such A terrible time?

- it wasn't terrible.

To be honest, jacob and I had A wonderful evening together.

"Sweet dreams, mr. Moon.

"Sweet dreams, mr. Star.

"Sweet dreams, mr. Comet, Wherever you are.

"Sweet dreams, little truck.

Sweet dreams, little duck."

Good god, This book is tedious,

Don't you think, jacob?

And perhaps that's the point.

This is silly.

I took care of a little boy.

It was fine. Now it's over.

- are you sure?

- no.

I'm not.

- you know, They say the urge to mother

Is purely chemical.

Your body tells you It's ready,

So you get knocked up, And then you spit one out.

That's how it happened Both times for me.

- victoria, you have Three children.

- I know I have a grown son Out there somewhere,

But I didn't raise him.

And before it's too late, I'd like to raise a child

Of my own.

I think I might be good at it.

- I bet You would be good at it.

- and?

- no "And."

Just take the compliment.

- elka's right.

You would make a great mom.

You're responsible. You're fun.

You're caring.

- so how long we gonna Yank her chain?

You're too old.

- well, it's not impossible.

The scroggs women are famous For having babies

Later in life, And there's always adoption.

- yeah, you gave one away. You deserve one back.

You know, it's like The give-a-penny,

Take-a-penny tray At the gas station.

- I know the timing Couldn't be worse

For me to come To this epiphany,

But the thought Of it makes me happy.

Maybe these turned out To be lucky for me too.

- my turn.

- wait a minute.

I thought you didn't believe In magic.

- desperate times call For desperate measures.

- it says here that it takes

An average of 22 months for A woman over 40 to get pregnant.

- is that counting The 18 months

It'll take you to find somebody Willing to go there?

Oh, look. Here we go.

Grady's up to bat.

- bam! Wow!

Grady sizemore's having Some kind of game.

That's three home runs today.

And is it just me, Or does grady's uniform

Look a little smoother Than usual?

I mean, I cannot see a line.

- that's right.

I spanx'd him.