Original subtitles

- hot in cleveland Is recorded

In front Of a live studio audience.

- all right, then. Bye.

I'm not Gonna say it.

I don't want To say it.

You are such An old woman.

Fine. I love you too.

- your mother?

- my fake fiance.

We're meeting The immigration lawyer,

And rick's insisting We act like a real couple.

I mean, do people really say, "I love you" that much?

It's gross.

No word from your Jailed accountant?

- no, my assets Are still frozen.

I am Officially broke.

- oh, now, You still have your health

And the love Of your friends.

- I can't even laugh at Your dark english humor anymore.

But that's okay, Because I have a plan.

- hmm.

Ohiosugardaddies.Com.

Rich older men looking For younger women.

Which one are you?

- for your information, I signed up.

I sent in a picture And everything.

- this is your Head shot from 1981.

"Special skills...

Weapons, fluent in japanese, Ventriloquism"?

Ventriloquism?

- help! I'm stuck in the refrigerator.

- need a refill?

- oh, you've got That right, skeletor.

- what are you doing?

- getting drunk.

It's the only way I'm going to get over max.

- oh, it's so sad That you two broke up.

- she had to.

She's under indictment, and Max's son is running for office.

- I'll be fine After a 24-hour bender.

Benders fix everything...

Except quitting alcohol.

- so how far in Are you?

- uh...

Uh...

Eight hours...

Maybe 20.

My watch might be Upside down.

- you don't sound drunk.

- I'm stinko.

You can tell 'cause My edit button's turned off.

- you have an edit button? - you tell me.

What's dumb, flat, and Needs to shave her mustache?

Spoiler alert... It's you.

- I'll be damned.

- hey, morning, guys.

Um, listen, you know I hate To ask for favors,

Although I don't mind Being asked,

Because help is a gift I can always afford to give.

But, anyway, um, pete's Family reunion is this evening,

And since I'm going to be Meeting his mom

For the very first time, I could use my family there.

That's you guys.

- ugh, boring!

- oh...

Poor thing, she's taking this Max breakup pretty hard, huh?

But you guys Will be there, right?

Please? - oh, fine. I'll go.

It will help me Get my green card

If rick and I are seen out As a couple.

- and I might make it If I can find a date.

- ooh!

I got a bite.

- she's trying to meet An old rich guy.

- not trying, my friends, Succeeding.

- what's he look like?

- look like? Oh, don't be shallow.

He's a billionaire!

I accept.

♪ ♪

- look...

I know this is awkward, But I really am grateful.

- oh, it works For both of us.

You get Your green card,

And I get the aura Of an alpha predator...

Who deserves... Nay, who takes An alpha female.

- you really think being with me Is going to get you girls?

- exhibit "A"...

The picture that I've been Showing around town of us.

And exhibit "B"... The phone numbers of the women

Whose shoulders I will, As soon as we have broken up,

Moisten with my tears.

I've also been showing around The ring that I got you.

- oh, my goodness. It's huge.

- let's hope that's not the last Time I hear you say that.

Looks real, doesn't it?

It, uh, also helps answer The question

Of "What's she doing with him?"

Mm.

Oh, just remember, Stick to the script...

Where we met, families, Morning routines,

No additions.

- oh, you will sneak In a mention

Of my masterful Early-morning lovemaking?

- green card, green card, Green card, green card.

- hi, I'm ellen szymborska, Pete's cousin.

- hi, I'm joy. Thanks again for coming.

I know what A big favor this is.

- greetings, my lady.

I don't mean To embarrass you,

But you are much too pretty To be an immigration lawyer.

Oh!

Isn't she? Show the ring.

- okay, I think that's it For the preliminary paperwork.

- good job, ellen. - thank you, rick.

But this is The easy part.

You still have to see I.N.S.,

And they are going To grill you to prove

That joy's not marrying you For a green card.

- oh! - as if!

I love this guy...

So much.

- and I love you So much, baby.

- so how did You two meet, anyway?

- oh, I can tell you exactly... - I wanna tell, baby.

Sometimes I tack a sheet On the side of my garage

And hold an outdoor movie night For the neighbor kids.

- oh! - mm-hmm.

- that's not How it happened...

- one night, I was showing dumbo,

Which is my Favorite movie.

- oh, I love dumbo. - of course. So moving.

And, uh, joy came over to, uh, Complain about the noise.

- no, no. - and I started crying,

Not because she yelled at me,

But because of the movie.

- oh, how could anyone Not cry at dumbo?

- and for some reason, We just clicked.

Me, the most sentimental,

Disney-loving softy On the planet,

And this angry hothead Who never cries.

- oh, you.

That's not exactly How it happened.

- wow, that's, Like, the eighth time

You've corrected him.

- no. Is it?

- yeah.

- I'm a bitch. - oh!

- actually, I meant It's a good thing.

We can always tell A fake couple

Because their stories Are too consistent.

- ah. - you're a lucky woman, joy.

- especially early In the morning...

I mean, before 6:00.

- yes.

We're all so lucky, really.

- see you tonight At the party.

I think I'm in love.

- will you at least marry me Before you start cheating?

- oh.

- oh, she's gonna hate me. I know it.

- honey, how could Anyone hate you?

You'll be fine. Just be you.

Is that really What you're wearing?

- what? - I'm teasing.

- girls don't like teasing.

It's worse Than sex in the morning.

- hey, uncle ned.

- eh...

- relax, mom Just wants to make sure

You're not some Plastic hollywood floozy.

- you're teasing again.

- not really, no.

Mom's very old world.

Like, She's still mad at me

For dropping out of seminary To join the police force.

- well, god's loss Is my gain.

- hmm.

- disgusting!

I thought you said she was not A california floozy.

- mom, hi.

- no, no, no, Not after that.

- melanie, um, this Is my mother, agnieszka.

- it's so nice To meet you.

Agnieszka... That must be polish for agnes,

like agnes morehead, the mean Mother-in-law on bewitched.

Uh, not to say That you're mean...

Or a witch.

Did I say "Nice to meet you"?

- she's talky And much older than I thought...

And too skinny.

- "Too skinny"? I like her.

- divorced.

So you abandoned your duty To your husband.

- well, actually, He was seeing other women.

- so you are frigid.

- no! No, ask pete.

I mean, don't ask pete.

How would he know?

Oh, why am I pretending? No, I'm not frigid.

I enjoy sex.

Hello, again, father ned.

Excuse me.

- well, how's it going?

- just as I expected... Your mom hates me.

- don't take it personally. She's tough on everybody...

Well, except My brother henry.

He was always the favorite, And I was like secondhand pete.

I got all His old clothes.

Growing up, I thought Henry szymborska was a brand.

- aw.

You poor thing. - yeah.

- so...

Here we are...

Honey.

- when I touch you, I sense Every woman in the room

Wondering why I'm not touching her.

More sex For future rick.

Ah, speaking of which...

- hey, you guys. How's my favorite couple?

- oh, you know, Just coupling out.

- ohh.

So I spoke To a friend of mine at I.N.S.,

And I think It's looking good.

- oh, god. What a relief!

I can't wait For this to be over.

This ordeal, I mean.

It's... It's been so hard On me and my...

Lord shackleton.

- who?

- it's her Pet name for me.

he was captain Of the endurance.

But don't worry about me.

I would go through anything

For the sake Of the woman I love.

- joy, you have got quite The romantic on your hands.

- and you don't have a drink In yours.

Shall I remedy that? - well, I would love that.

So charming.

- yes, he's full of it...

Charm.

- hi. - hey.

- how's it going With pete's mum?

- oh, she hates me.

But she hates Everyone from l.A.

Thinks we're all gold diggers. - hmm.

Fortunately, Here's victoria

To put her fears to rest.

- hurry up, oscar. He's not getting any lighter.

All right, my captain.

We have arrived.

Just go... Go park him Over there.

- you carried That helpless old man in?

- I mean, seriously. He's, like, 110.

- oh, please. That's not for months.

So how is it going With pete's mom?

Which one is she? - she's the one over there

With a stick up her ass.

Father ned.

- elka?

- elka! This is perfect.

You can help me With pete's mom.

You're polish. She's polish.

You can kiss up to her In polish.

Stay right here.

- I thought that You weren't coming.

- well, I ran out of vodka.

And, uh, I thought I'd come over here

And freshen up my drunk.

- hmm.

- we had a full bottle.

- I spilled some...

In my mouth.

Oh, too slow.

- joy, Come meet my boyfriend.

But hands off... He's brittle.

- elka, elka.

Mrs. Szymborska, I would like you to meet

A friend of mine.

This is elka ostrovsky...

Also polish.

- so you think because We're both from poland,

We're going To like each other.

Yeah, well, kind of.

Say something nice.

- and that goes Double for me.

- ooh, I think That's for me.

- oh, my god.

Joy, look Who just walked in.

- well, I ran out of vodka At the house.

- no, we already know that.

No, I-I'm talking about him.

- it's hank. This is terrible.

- he looks All right to me.

- no, hank's the plumber Melanie slept with

The first day We were here.

- yeah, the one who Turned out to be married.

Now, we've gotta Warn melanie.

- but she's with pete.

- well, I guess Our only choice is

To just stay here And stare at hank...

And imagine what He looks like naked.

- I'm way ahead of you.

- finally, henry's here! - mama.

Both: mwah, mwah!

- hank! Hey, bro.

- ha ha ha! Hank...

Is your brother?

- yeah, that's right.

I've been waiting For this forever.

Secondhand pete No more.

- hank, say hello To my girlfriend, melanie.

- nice to meet you, melanie.

- yes, likewise.

Hank, was it?

- yeah.

- honey, would you freshen My drink?

- it's full.

- but it's not fresh.

Okay, listen...

Before you say anything, Let's agree.

It never happened. We don't know each other.

We're complete strangers.

- my god, You're beautiful.

- you're married. I'm dating your brother.

Why would you say that?

- because I have not stopped Thinking about you

Since that night On the boat.

I know it's wrong, And I-I love my brother.

But it doesn't change The way I feel.

- yeah, b-but I-I don't feel That way about you.

- I don't believe you.

Meet me outside for a kiss. Come on.

- are you crazy?

- look, if you Don't feel anything,

Fine, I'll move on.

But if there's So much as a spark,

I'm gonna keep after you Till you're mine.

- ohh.

Oh!

- what happened? Are you okay?

- no, I feel like I'm

in one of victoria's Edge of tomorrows.

- well, honor st. Raven Did have a situation like this,

But it wasn't the same,

Because hank Isn't a reanimated corpse.

- like your date.

- you know, The worst part is...

Pete just wants To rub me in hank's face.

- I thought you already Did that on his boat.

- hank wants me To meet him outside

So he can kiss me, See if there's still a spark.

- that's a terrible idea.

- do it. He's hot.

- I am gonna do it, But not because he's hot,

Because he promised If I felt nothing,

Then he would just Leave me alone.

I wish I could burp up Some sausage.

- mm.

- what a beautiful ring You gave her.

- well, a beautiful hand

Deserves a beautiful ring.

- ellen, would you excuse us For a moment?

- sure.

He's quite a keeper.

- of course, some wild things Can't be kept.

- will you stop flirting With our lawyer?

You're gonna ruin The whole thing.

- I'm just warming Her up for later.

- you're overcooking her.

- don't blame the fire For being hot.

- okay, come on, Let's get this over with.

Okay, if I don't feel anything, You promise to drop it, right?

- I promise. - okay.

- yeah, sorry. Nothing.

- hey, melanie.

Please. - you promised, hank.

- honey! - don't call me "Honey."

- hi, honey. - honey!

You must be honey.

- hi. - hi.

- well, good. You were able To make it after all.

- yeah.

- uh, melanie, This is my wife, linda.

Linda, this is melanie. Melanie is pete's girlfriend.

- oh, nice to meet you. - so nice to meet you too.

Yeah, hank Was just making sure

That I'm the right girl For his baby brother.

And I hope now you have proof

That pete Is the only man for me.

- oh, well, Pete's a great guy.

So that's good to hear.

- yeah, yeah. I'm lucky to have him.

- hmm. - as you two

Are lucky To have each other,

You know, 'cause as the kids say,

"Love is da bomb."

Do kids still say that?

Discuss. Gotta go.

- your date Doesn't look so hot.

- oh, don't be ridiculous.

Winston is an extremely Handsome and dapper man

Without Any living heirs.

- no, I mean, He's not looking so alive.

Oh, I'm just a little tired.

Oh, elka, can't you see

That he just needs to rest?

- I saw your lips move.

Darling, Your friend smells like a still.

Oh, winston. You behave yourself.

Ooh, diamond encrusted.

- what's this note?

"On the website, You looked younger.

Take me home."

- that's my pete! That's my boyfriend!

- wow, I should play darts More often.

- climb down from him!

You're not at work, And he is not a pole.

- well, actually he is a pole. You're all poles.

Yeah, nothing?

I give up.

- your brother...

You would not see him With a girl like this.

- no, you know, mom,

Hank's had a lot Of things before me

And better than me, But not melanie.

Um, excuse me, everybody.

I'd like To make a toast.

Tonight I feel like The luckiest guy in the world,

Having this wonderful Woman by my side,

And, uh...

To melanie.

- wait.

Before we drink,

I need to say something About melanie too.

The truth is... - is so overrated.

Bottoms up, everybody! Ha ha!

- I'm so happy That my little brother

Has met a wonderful woman Who is crazy about him.

To them.

- na zdrowie.

- I thought you Were gonna tell everyone

How you two hooked up On your boat

The first night She got here.

- well, now we know There are 15 ways

To say "Whore" in polish.

- such A beautiful language.

- and no more pete.

I guess there's Just no coming back from,

"I slept With your brother."

- I am so sorry, melanie.

- elka, it's okay.

Pete would have found out Eventually.

So I guess I lost a boyfriend.

- well, At least you didn't lose

A fiance to an I.N.S. Lawyer.

And I lost the chance At a quick green card.

Still, better The long arm of the law

Than the clammy hands Of the rick.

I think he sprained my finger Pulling that ring off.

- you two lost men. I lost my mind.

I mean, If I'd married him,

I wouldn't be able to look At myself in the mirror.

And who am I if I can't look At myself in the mirror?

- so we're four single girls On a saturday night.

- victoria!

- wait. That's not me.

- it's me.

I sent in a slightly younger Picture of myself.

- a cave drawing?

- I signed up When my bender was over.

In fact, That's my screen name...

"Bender over."