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1
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- hot in cleveland is recorded
2
00:00:02,885 --> 00:00:05,226
In front of a live
Studio audience.
3
00:00:05,250 --> 00:00:08,059
- ice. I need ice.
4
00:00:08,083 --> 00:00:10,259
- I realize it's happy
Hour somewhere,
5
00:00:10,283 --> 00:00:12,957
But isn't it a bit
Early even for you?
6
00:00:12,981 --> 00:00:15,256
- this happens to
Be an emergency.
7
00:00:15,280 --> 00:00:18,344
I pulled a muscle
Fastening my bra.
8
00:00:21,112 --> 00:00:22,787
- what's goin' on?
9
00:00:22,811 --> 00:00:25,253
- victoria's having
A senior moment.
10
00:00:25,277 --> 00:00:27,552
- oh, I have those all the time.
11
00:00:27,576 --> 00:00:29,984
I can be walking
Along happy as a clam,
12
00:00:30,008 --> 00:00:33,049
And suddenly I get
This overwhelming urge
13
00:00:33,073 --> 00:00:35,504
To hit some young
Person with a stick.
14
00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:39,713
- hey, guys, look at this!
15
00:00:39,737 --> 00:00:41,645
Another sign I'm meant
To be in cleveland.
16
00:00:41,669 --> 00:00:43,012
The rock and roll hall of fame
17
00:00:43,036 --> 00:00:44,278
Is having a huge party.
18
00:00:44,302 --> 00:00:47,110
All these rock stars
Are donating their guitars,
19
00:00:47,134 --> 00:00:48,777
And hailey nash is one of them.
20
00:00:48,801 --> 00:00:50,575
- oh, lord, hailey nash?
21
00:00:50,599 --> 00:00:53,841
All those dreadful
Female empowerment songs?
22
00:00:53,865 --> 00:00:55,606
- her music takes
Me back to a time
23
00:00:55,630 --> 00:00:57,362
When music sucked.
24
00:00:59,563 --> 00:01:01,471
- well, I love hailey's songs.
25
00:01:01,495 --> 00:01:03,871
It reminds me of prom night.
26
00:01:03,895 --> 00:01:05,736
- they played hailey
Nash at your prom?
27
00:01:05,760 --> 00:01:07,369
- no, in my room.
28
00:01:07,393 --> 00:01:09,101
Nobody asked me to the prom.
29
00:01:09,125 --> 00:01:12,566
Course, that was during
My corrective shoe years.
30
00:01:12,590 --> 00:01:15,532
- was that before or
After your headgear years?
31
00:01:15,556 --> 00:01:17,420
- there was some overlap.
32
00:01:18,721 --> 00:01:20,164
But hailey got me through it.
33
00:01:20,188 --> 00:01:22,962
Oh! Tonight, I am going to do
34
00:01:22,986 --> 00:01:24,295
Two things from my book.
35
00:01:24,319 --> 00:01:26,528
I'm gonna crash a
Party and meet my idol.
36
00:01:26,552 --> 00:01:28,160
- and I am coming with you.
37
00:01:28,184 --> 00:01:29,593
- what? Why? Weren't
We just mocking her?
38
00:01:29,617 --> 00:01:30,826
I'm confused.
39
00:01:30,850 --> 00:01:33,358
- that bastard johnny
Revere is gonna be there.
40
00:01:33,382 --> 00:01:35,224
- you know johnny revere?
41
00:01:35,248 --> 00:01:38,423
- every inch of him.
42
00:01:38,447 --> 00:01:39,722
One night, he pulled
Me from the audience
43
00:01:39,746 --> 00:01:41,154
To dance on stage
44
00:01:41,178 --> 00:01:42,521
And gave me a backstage pass
45
00:01:42,545 --> 00:01:44,887
To the best six
Months of my life.
46
00:01:44,911 --> 00:01:46,753
- so why is he a bastard?
47
00:01:46,777 --> 00:01:48,185
- because halfway
Through the tour,
48
00:01:48,209 --> 00:01:51,550
He left me stranded on a
Corner in winslow, arizona.
49
00:01:51,574 --> 00:01:53,983
- wait, isn't that
An eagles song?
50
00:01:54,007 --> 00:01:56,049
- never tell don henley
Anything in confidence
51
00:01:56,073 --> 00:01:58,515
When you're doing shots.
52
00:01:58,539 --> 00:02:01,180
- why did you never tell us?
53
00:02:01,204 --> 00:02:04,345
- because it was
Just too humiliating.
54
00:02:04,369 --> 00:02:05,478
- oh, is he the one
Who gave you the...
55
00:02:05,502 --> 00:02:08,511
- no, no, no, that
Was warren beatty.
56
00:02:08,535 --> 00:02:12,143
Anyway, now that I'm famous
And johnny is a museum piece,
57
00:02:12,166 --> 00:02:13,641
It is going to be
Such a pleasure
58
00:02:13,665 --> 00:02:15,141
To finally be able
To throw a drink
59
00:02:15,165 --> 00:02:16,840
Right in his face.
60
00:02:16,864 --> 00:02:18,872
- ooh, that sounds
Very satisfying.
61
00:02:18,896 --> 00:02:20,573
I've never thrown
A drink at a man.
62
00:02:20,597 --> 00:02:22,471
I mean, I've slapped
A couple of faces,
63
00:02:22,495 --> 00:02:24,403
Egged a few cars,
64
00:02:24,427 --> 00:02:26,436
Set the odd house on fire.
65
00:02:26,460 --> 00:02:27,936
But a drink in the face?
66
00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:29,390
That's gonna be fun.
67
00:02:42,621 --> 00:02:44,796
- I don't see johnny anywhere.
68
00:02:44,820 --> 00:02:46,828
Just a sea of '70s hair...
69
00:02:46,852 --> 00:02:50,126
And '90s hairpieces.
70
00:02:50,150 --> 00:02:53,226
- some of these rockers look
Remarkably well-preserved.
71
00:02:53,250 --> 00:02:55,646
Forget botox. I'm going
Straight to heroin.
72
00:02:57,514 --> 00:02:59,456
- I can't believe that
After all these years,
73
00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:01,123
I am finally going
To throw a drink
74
00:03:01,147 --> 00:03:02,688
In johnny's face.
75
00:03:02,712 --> 00:03:04,020
- what can I get you ladies?
76
00:03:04,044 --> 00:03:05,154
- uh, scotch...
77
00:03:05,178 --> 00:03:07,786
With enough rocks
To leave bruises.
78
00:03:07,810 --> 00:03:09,752
- oh, my gosh.
79
00:03:09,776 --> 00:03:12,373
I just motor-boated
Hailey nash's breasts.
80
00:03:15,041 --> 00:03:16,516
- go on.
81
00:03:16,540 --> 00:03:18,482
- no, it was an insane accident.
82
00:03:18,506 --> 00:03:20,747
I... I was turning a
Corner, and I tripped,
83
00:03:20,771 --> 00:03:22,813
And I fell face-first
Into her cleavage,
84
00:03:22,837 --> 00:03:24,246
And then my earring got caught,
85
00:03:24,270 --> 00:03:27,400
And I was wrestling free.
86
00:03:29,634 --> 00:03:31,310
- what did you say to her?
87
00:03:31,334 --> 00:03:32,531
- "Soft."
88
00:03:34,999 --> 00:03:36,108
- what?
89
00:03:36,132 --> 00:03:37,674
- well, I was thinking "Sorry,"
90
00:03:37,698 --> 00:03:38,940
But I was also thinking "Soft,"
91
00:03:38,964 --> 00:03:40,673
And the wrong one came out.
92
00:03:40,697 --> 00:03:45,838
- any of you over-age
Groupies seen willie nelson?
93
00:03:45,862 --> 00:03:48,303
- elka, what are you doing here?
94
00:03:48,327 --> 00:03:49,902
- well, whenever
Willie's in town,
95
00:03:49,926 --> 00:03:51,723
I always bake him brownies.
96
00:03:53,026 --> 00:03:54,356
- I knew it.
97
00:03:55,657 --> 00:03:58,099
Wait. These are just brownies.
98
00:03:58,123 --> 00:03:59,399
- of course they are.
99
00:03:59,422 --> 00:04:01,454
What are you smoking?
100
00:04:02,855 --> 00:04:05,496
Young man.
- yes?
101
00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:07,295
- well,
102
00:04:07,319 --> 00:04:10,282
You're a lot to
Take in, aren't you?
103
00:04:11,385 --> 00:04:13,659
Oh, uh, have you seen
104
00:04:13,683 --> 00:04:15,459
The redheaded stranger anywhere?
105
00:04:15,483 --> 00:04:17,692
- come on, shawty, let's
Check in the v.I.P. Section.
106
00:04:17,716 --> 00:04:22,090
- oh, will jay-z be there?
107
00:04:22,114 --> 00:04:25,610
- there are a lot of
Layers to that little onion.
108
00:04:27,545 --> 00:04:29,187
- oh, there's johnny.
109
00:04:29,211 --> 00:04:31,320
Oh, my god, he spotted me.
110
00:04:31,344 --> 00:04:32,452
He's coming over.
111
00:04:32,476 --> 00:04:33,584
Okay, this is it.
112
00:04:33,608 --> 00:04:35,484
Um, where's my ammunition?
- here.
113
00:04:35,508 --> 00:04:37,283
Right, keep your elbow low,
114
00:04:37,307 --> 00:04:38,716
Follow through with your swing.
115
00:04:38,740 --> 00:04:40,382
Remember, this is
For every woman
116
00:04:40,406 --> 00:04:43,814
Who ever got dumped
By a heartless bastard.
117
00:04:43,838 --> 00:04:45,713
- victoria!
- johnny.
118
00:04:45,737 --> 00:04:47,812
- wow! You look
Frickin' amazing.
119
00:04:47,836 --> 00:04:49,767
- oh, why, thank you.
120
00:04:54,866 --> 00:04:56,076
- seriously, you look
Even sexier in person
121
00:04:56,100 --> 00:04:57,475
Than you did on your show.
122
00:04:57,499 --> 00:04:59,207
- you watched edge of tomorrow?
123
00:04:59,231 --> 00:05:00,274
- sure.
124
00:05:00,298 --> 00:05:01,773
I was always bragging
To the roadies
125
00:05:01,797 --> 00:05:05,060
How I used to drill you
Like the gulf of mexico.
126
00:05:08,127 --> 00:05:11,424
- you still don't follow
The news, do you?
127
00:05:12,626 --> 00:05:13,902
- excuse me.
128
00:05:13,926 --> 00:05:15,301
Mr. Revere, they need
You in the press room.
129
00:05:15,325 --> 00:05:16,333
- oh, okay.
130
00:05:16,357 --> 00:05:17,434
The price of fame.
131
00:05:17,458 --> 00:05:19,566
- I know it well.
132
00:05:19,590 --> 00:05:21,565
- you know, it's too bad
You're with your friends,
133
00:05:21,589 --> 00:05:23,264
Or you could come
By the hotel later.
134
00:05:23,288 --> 00:05:25,651
- oh, they're not my friends.
135
00:05:26,920 --> 00:05:30,017
- st. Regent, top floor.
136
00:05:31,552 --> 00:05:35,559
- well, that was the most
Disgusting thing I've ever seen,
137
00:05:35,583 --> 00:05:39,224
And I used to wax roseanne.
138
00:05:39,248 --> 00:05:41,090
- well, I couldn't help it.
139
00:05:41,114 --> 00:05:43,756
Watchin' that bad-boy swagger
Sent chills down my spine
140
00:05:43,780 --> 00:05:45,588
I haven't felt in years.
141
00:05:45,612 --> 00:05:47,554
- he didn't even apologize!
142
00:05:47,578 --> 00:05:50,209
- I know. How hot was that?
143
00:05:51,477 --> 00:05:53,185
- still here, huh?
144
00:05:53,209 --> 00:05:55,485
You know, with all these
Pretty young girls around,
145
00:05:55,509 --> 00:05:59,205
You last-call connies
Don't stand a chance.
146
00:06:01,672 --> 00:06:03,581
- it may interest you to know
147
00:06:03,605 --> 00:06:05,148
That tonight johnny revere and I
148
00:06:05,171 --> 00:06:07,280
Are going to have the
Kind of smoking hot sex
149
00:06:07,303 --> 00:06:10,745
That children only read
About in story books.
150
00:06:10,769 --> 00:06:13,577
- come on, he's callous
And misogynous,
151
00:06:13,601 --> 00:06:14,944
And I don't even think
He showered today.
152
00:06:14,968 --> 00:06:18,075
- that's okay, I'll
Just lick him clean.
153
00:06:18,099 --> 00:06:20,774
- victoria! This is a mistake!
154
00:06:20,797 --> 00:06:23,028
Don't be a holla back girl.
155
00:06:25,096 --> 00:06:27,460
Am I using that right?
'cause it felt right.
156
00:06:28,995 --> 00:06:30,304
- oh, let it go, mel.
157
00:06:30,328 --> 00:06:33,203
There's no girlfriend
Block for bad-boy sex.
158
00:06:33,227 --> 00:06:36,068
- you're right. Its
Power is too strong.
159
00:06:36,092 --> 00:06:38,967
- that guilty thrill you
Get just being with him.
160
00:06:38,991 --> 00:06:42,432
- that desperate desire
You have to change him.
161
00:06:42,456 --> 00:06:44,697
- and that delicious
Little tickle
162
00:06:44,721 --> 00:06:47,285
That comes from
Knowing you never could.
163
00:06:50,886 --> 00:06:52,428
What?
164
00:06:52,452 --> 00:06:56,726
You think there weren't
Bad boys in poland in the '30s?
165
00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:58,692
- you know, before I met johnny,
166
00:06:58,716 --> 00:07:00,559
I didn't know the
Meaning of depravity
167
00:07:00,582 --> 00:07:02,957
Or hotel blacklisting.
168
00:07:02,981 --> 00:07:04,989
There was this one
Time on a credenza.
169
00:07:05,013 --> 00:07:08,554
Oh, my god. I mean,
No surface was safe.
170
00:07:08,578 --> 00:07:11,387
Oh, we did it on coffee
Tables, club chairs,
171
00:07:11,411 --> 00:07:13,552
And this one really
Memorable thanksgiving,
172
00:07:13,576 --> 00:07:17,207
In a bathtub full of
Sweet potatoes and gravy.
173
00:07:18,808 --> 00:07:20,483
- okay, before we
Get to what you did
174
00:07:20,507 --> 00:07:22,383
With the turkey legs, think.
175
00:07:22,407 --> 00:07:25,580
If you sleep with him,
He'll just dump you again,
176
00:07:25,604 --> 00:07:27,448
And then he'll be the
One that got away again.
177
00:07:27,472 --> 00:07:29,613
- who cares? He's not
The man that got away.
178
00:07:29,637 --> 00:07:31,079
He's the sex that got away,
179
00:07:31,103 --> 00:07:33,578
And tonight I am
Getting it back.
180
00:07:33,602 --> 00:07:35,610
- well, just make sure
None of those old feelings
181
00:07:35,634 --> 00:07:36,811
Come back with it.
182
00:07:36,834 --> 00:07:39,042
- oh, please, I am not
That nubile little ninny
183
00:07:39,066 --> 00:07:40,975
Who used to prance
Around naked on his balcony...
184
00:07:40,999 --> 00:07:43,774
Oh, my god! He hasn't seen
Me naked since I was in my 20s!
185
00:07:43,798 --> 00:07:45,906
- ooh, forget diamonds.
186
00:07:45,930 --> 00:07:48,661
After 40, covers are
A girl's best friend.
187
00:07:49,795 --> 00:07:52,536
- word to the wise.
A smart jockey
188
00:07:52,560 --> 00:07:54,518
Always sits straight
Up on the horse.
189
00:07:56,059 --> 00:07:58,167
See, you're the
Jockey, and he's...
190
00:07:58,191 --> 00:08:00,533
- yes, yes, we understand.
191
00:08:00,557 --> 00:08:03,033
- it's so your boobs
Don't flop to the side
192
00:08:03,057 --> 00:08:05,720
And get lost in your back fat.
193
00:08:16,751 --> 00:08:20,192
- are you as turned on as I am?
194
00:08:20,216 --> 00:08:21,824
- god, this is a disaster.
195
00:08:21,848 --> 00:08:23,624
I'm not even dressed for sex.
196
00:08:23,648 --> 00:08:26,090
Trade underwear with me.
197
00:08:26,114 --> 00:08:28,822
- why do you automatically
Ask joy and not me?
198
00:08:28,846 --> 00:08:33,720
- because cotton is the fabric
Of your life, darling, not mine.
199
00:08:33,744 --> 00:08:35,753
- cotton breathes.
- all right.
200
00:08:35,776 --> 00:08:37,451
- I am not swapping
Knickers with you.
201
00:08:37,475 --> 00:08:38,784
- okay, okay, but
I am definitely
202
00:08:38,808 --> 00:08:40,317
Gonna need an emergency wax.
203
00:08:40,341 --> 00:08:41,984
- well, your eyebrows look fine.
204
00:08:42,008 --> 00:08:44,983
- it's not my eyebrows
I'm worried about.
205
00:08:45,007 --> 00:08:47,381
- do you think I carry
A portable waxing kit?
206
00:08:47,405 --> 00:08:49,580
- joy, please.
207
00:08:49,604 --> 00:08:50,880
- okay, fine.
208
00:08:50,904 --> 00:08:52,735
I'll macgyver it.
209
00:08:54,535 --> 00:08:56,078
- oh, my god, are
You guys crazy?
210
00:08:56,102 --> 00:08:58,010
Do you know how
Much that's gonna hurt?
211
00:08:58,034 --> 00:08:59,309
- but it's worth it,
212
00:08:59,333 --> 00:09:03,096
Because tonight I'm
Gonna party like it's 1979.
213
00:09:05,098 --> 00:09:06,973
- you want a ride home?
214
00:09:06,997 --> 00:09:08,973
Willie loaned me the limo.
215
00:09:08,997 --> 00:09:10,838
- oh, thanks, but no, no.
I have to stick around.
216
00:09:10,862 --> 00:09:13,171
I have to find hailey
Nash and apologize to her
217
00:09:13,195 --> 00:09:15,112
For sticking my
Face in her boobs.
218
00:09:17,660 --> 00:09:19,501
Hey, I don't suppose
Willie knows her.
219
00:09:19,525 --> 00:09:22,255
- by now, willie doesn't
Know his own name.
220
00:09:30,954 --> 00:09:32,296
- hey, you.
221
00:09:32,320 --> 00:09:34,051
- hey, sexy, come on in.
222
00:09:46,048 --> 00:09:47,290
You okay?
223
00:09:47,314 --> 00:09:49,223
- no, I'm fine.
224
00:09:49,247 --> 00:09:51,121
- you know, there
Were a lot of hot women
225
00:09:51,145 --> 00:09:52,388
At that party tonight,
226
00:09:52,412 --> 00:09:54,875
But none of them could
Hold a candle to you.
227
00:09:58,843 --> 00:10:00,907
- that's what you think.
228
00:10:02,507 --> 00:10:04,283
- sure I can't get you
Something stronger?
229
00:10:04,307 --> 00:10:05,382
- no, no, no,
230
00:10:05,406 --> 00:10:06,749
I have to keep my wits about me.
231
00:10:06,773 --> 00:10:08,448
I accidentally
Groped hailey nash,
232
00:10:08,472 --> 00:10:09,948
So I need to apologize to her.
233
00:10:09,972 --> 00:10:11,381
- well, here's your chance.
234
00:10:11,405 --> 00:10:16,178
She's right behind you.
235
00:10:16,202 --> 00:10:17,444
- you again?
236
00:10:17,468 --> 00:10:18,644
- I'm sorry!
237
00:10:18,668 --> 00:10:20,443
Oh, ms. Nash, I'm so sorry!
238
00:10:20,467 --> 00:10:22,210
- oh!
239
00:10:22,234 --> 00:10:24,641
- it's just seltzer,
So it won't stain.
240
00:10:24,665 --> 00:10:26,707
So there's really
241
00:10:26,731 --> 00:10:28,607
No reason for me to be doing...
242
00:10:28,631 --> 00:10:30,472
This.
243
00:10:30,496 --> 00:10:34,637
- what is it with
You and my breasts?
244
00:10:34,661 --> 00:10:38,670
- I'm just a really big fan.
245
00:10:38,693 --> 00:10:40,123
- so I gather.
246
00:10:41,492 --> 00:10:42,967
- I mean, I'm a fan of you,
247
00:10:42,991 --> 00:10:44,267
Not your breasts.
248
00:10:44,291 --> 00:10:47,487
But not that I'm not a
Fan of your breasts.
249
00:10:49,488 --> 00:10:52,285
I am so toasted.
250
00:10:56,353 --> 00:10:58,728
- so what are you drinking?
- what are you pouring?
251
00:10:58,752 --> 00:10:59,862
- well, nothing for me.
252
00:10:59,886 --> 00:11:02,494
The booze doesn't
Mesh with the drugs.
253
00:11:02,518 --> 00:11:04,259
- that never stopped you before.
254
00:11:04,283 --> 00:11:05,659
- yeah, well, that
Was my old liver.
255
00:11:05,682 --> 00:11:07,191
- ah.
256
00:11:07,215 --> 00:11:08,858
- you still a bourbon girl?
257
00:11:08,882 --> 00:11:10,646
- it'll do for starters.
258
00:11:18,944 --> 00:11:21,253
- you know, that
Couch doesn't bite.
259
00:11:21,277 --> 00:11:24,972
- oh, you know, I think I'm more
In a credenza kind of mood.
260
00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:29,050
- brrr. Mercy.
261
00:11:29,074 --> 00:11:31,882
You always did look
Good on mahogany.
262
00:11:31,906 --> 00:11:36,002
- well, I've always been
Partial to good, solid wood.
263
00:11:37,370 --> 00:11:39,145
- I seem to remember that.
264
00:11:39,169 --> 00:11:40,312
- I seem to remember
265
00:11:40,336 --> 00:11:42,311
Being covered in creme
Fraiche and caviar.
266
00:11:42,335 --> 00:11:44,343
So, what's on the menu tonight?
267
00:11:44,367 --> 00:11:45,542
- oh.
268
00:11:45,566 --> 00:11:49,207
Grilled chicken breast
And steamed vegetables.
269
00:11:49,231 --> 00:11:52,572
- wow. How stoned are you?
270
00:11:52,596 --> 00:11:53,673
- stoned?
271
00:11:53,697 --> 00:11:57,070
- what drugs are you on?
272
00:11:57,094 --> 00:12:00,736
- celebrex and lipitor.
273
00:12:00,760 --> 00:12:02,435
- oh, you're joking, right?
274
00:12:02,459 --> 00:12:04,502
- no, I'm a different guy now.
275
00:12:04,526 --> 00:12:06,900
In fact, that's why I
Invited you up here tonight.
276
00:12:06,924 --> 00:12:08,700
To apologize.
277
00:12:08,724 --> 00:12:10,166
- apologize?
278
00:12:10,190 --> 00:12:11,332
- yeah.
279
00:12:11,356 --> 00:12:13,497
I was a selfish bastard
When we were together,
280
00:12:13,521 --> 00:12:15,831
And I really feel bad
About the way I treated you.
281
00:12:15,855 --> 00:12:17,830
- uh-huh. I see.
282
00:12:17,854 --> 00:12:19,995
- so, um, are we good?
283
00:12:20,019 --> 00:12:23,494
- you have got a
Lot of nerve, pal!
284
00:12:23,518 --> 00:12:25,525
- what? All I said
Was I'm sorry.
285
00:12:25,549 --> 00:12:27,692
- well, no girl
Wants to hear that!
286
00:12:27,716 --> 00:12:28,825
Of course you were a bastard,
287
00:12:28,849 --> 00:12:30,990
That's what made
You so exciting.
288
00:12:31,014 --> 00:12:32,224
- so why are you mad now?
289
00:12:32,248 --> 00:12:33,789
- I thought you
Invited me up here
290
00:12:33,813 --> 00:12:35,156
For some high-octane sex,
291
00:12:35,180 --> 00:12:39,487
Not a low-cholesterol snack
And some crybaby apology!
292
00:12:39,511 --> 00:12:41,119
- whoa, I didn't
Know. I'm sorry.
293
00:12:41,143 --> 00:12:42,352
My bad.
294
00:12:42,376 --> 00:12:44,618
- bad? You're
Practically a boy scout!
295
00:12:44,642 --> 00:12:46,817
Whatever happened
To that bad boy
296
00:12:46,841 --> 00:12:50,516
Who used to bounce me
Around like a jai alai ball?
297
00:12:50,540 --> 00:12:52,449
- you think I still can't?
298
00:12:52,473 --> 00:12:53,815
- oh, please.
299
00:12:53,839 --> 00:12:57,346
Why don't you just help some
Old lady across the street?
300
00:12:57,370 --> 00:13:01,478
God, what a waste of a wax
Job this turned out to be!
301
00:13:01,502 --> 00:13:02,878
- heart-shaped?
302
00:13:02,901 --> 00:13:03,977
- well, it was the plan,
303
00:13:04,001 --> 00:13:06,165
But it turned out
Kind of shamrock-y.
304
00:13:09,432 --> 00:13:11,829
- is it magically delicious?
305
00:13:15,962 --> 00:13:18,338
- well, this is supposed
To be a reunion.
306
00:13:18,362 --> 00:13:19,704
- then let's make it one.
307
00:13:19,728 --> 00:13:21,003
- oh, you think you're up to it?
308
00:13:21,027 --> 00:13:22,203
- you think you
Can still handle it?
309
00:13:22,227 --> 00:13:23,903
- vegas rules?
- no holds barred.
310
00:13:23,927 --> 00:13:26,290
- safe word “hendrix.”
- first stop credenza.
311
00:13:28,657 --> 00:13:29,867
- ow!
312
00:13:29,890 --> 00:13:32,499
- what? Am I pinching
Your nipple too hard?
313
00:13:32,523 --> 00:13:34,280
- no, it's my knee.
- okay.
314
00:13:35,988 --> 00:13:38,030
No, to the right, to
The right, to the right.
315
00:13:38,054 --> 00:13:40,129
Oh! Oh! Ow, my lower back.
316
00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:41,595
- you too?
317
00:13:41,619 --> 00:13:43,328
- ah! Ah!
318
00:13:43,352 --> 00:13:44,960
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa!
319
00:13:44,984 --> 00:13:46,793
My hair is caught on something!
320
00:13:46,817 --> 00:13:49,414
- it's my medic-alert bracelet.
321
00:13:54,980 --> 00:13:56,156
- hang on.
- what?
322
00:13:56,179 --> 00:13:57,921
- uh, I need to be on top.
323
00:13:57,945 --> 00:13:59,187
- why?
324
00:13:59,211 --> 00:14:00,520
- because I'm the
Jockey, and you're...
325
00:14:00,544 --> 00:14:01,543
Oh, just do it!
326
00:14:06,908 --> 00:14:10,483
Aah! Wait, stop!
327
00:14:10,507 --> 00:14:13,349
I pulled a muscle this morning.
328
00:14:13,373 --> 00:14:14,981
- I just wrenched my shoulder,
329
00:14:15,005 --> 00:14:16,648
But I think we
Should play through.
330
00:14:16,672 --> 00:14:18,979
- no, no, no! Let go! Let go!
331
00:14:19,003 --> 00:14:22,611
Oh, ow, ow, oh! Agony!
332
00:14:22,635 --> 00:14:24,078
- oh, I'm sorry.
333
00:14:24,102 --> 00:14:25,233
- oh.
334
00:14:32,764 --> 00:14:34,674
Can't even move my left arm.
335
00:14:34,698 --> 00:14:36,606
- well, um,
336
00:14:36,630 --> 00:14:39,193
Seeing as how your
Right arm's still working...
337
00:14:41,562 --> 00:14:43,870
What? I'm a bad boy.
338
00:14:43,894 --> 00:14:45,624
- you're an idiot.
339
00:14:47,959 --> 00:14:51,267
God, this is so not
How I remembered it.
340
00:14:51,291 --> 00:14:53,065
Apparently a lot of
The things we used to do
341
00:14:53,089 --> 00:14:54,999
Are pretty painful
If you're not wasted.
342
00:14:55,023 --> 00:14:57,698
- yeah, or 20.
343
00:14:57,722 --> 00:15:01,129
- I suppose we could just
Have low-key grown-up sex.
344
00:15:01,153 --> 00:15:05,927
- uh, thanks, but why
Ruin the memories?
345
00:15:05,951 --> 00:15:07,959
- we were something
Together, though, weren't we?
346
00:15:07,983 --> 00:15:09,093
- yeah.
347
00:15:09,117 --> 00:15:10,526
At least we'll always
Have something
348
00:15:10,550 --> 00:15:13,191
Degrading to look back on.
349
00:15:13,215 --> 00:15:15,256
- aw, maybe it'd be
Better if we didn't.
350
00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:17,657
I mean, you can't miss
What you never had.
351
00:15:17,681 --> 00:15:20,288
- I'm still glad we had it.
352
00:15:20,312 --> 00:15:22,754
- me too.
353
00:15:22,778 --> 00:15:25,152
You know, my orthopedist
Showed me a little trick.
354
00:15:25,176 --> 00:15:26,452
- yeah?
355
00:15:26,476 --> 00:15:29,784
Oh! Oh, god, that's good.
356
00:15:29,808 --> 00:15:31,318
Oh.
357
00:15:31,342 --> 00:15:32,684
So what's the deal?
358
00:15:32,708 --> 00:15:36,049
I mean, you barely move
And you pull a muscle?
359
00:15:36,073 --> 00:15:37,315
- I know, right?
360
00:15:37,339 --> 00:15:40,668
The other day I got a back
Spasm putting on a sock.
361
00:15:56,530 --> 00:15:58,805
- here we are having a
Wholesome sunday morning,
362
00:15:58,829 --> 00:16:01,537
And victoria's probably skulking
Through some hotel lobby
363
00:16:01,561 --> 00:16:03,204
With her knickers
Stuffed in her purse
364
00:16:03,228 --> 00:16:04,703
And her blouse inside out.
365
00:16:04,727 --> 00:16:07,868
Lucky trollop.
366
00:16:07,892 --> 00:16:10,133
- well, she's got less to
Be ashamed of than I do.
367
00:16:10,157 --> 00:16:13,033
I just hope when hailey
Gets my note, she forgives me.
368
00:16:13,057 --> 00:16:14,332
- what note?
369
00:16:14,356 --> 00:16:17,231
- oh, I paid the bartender
To slip her an apology
370
00:16:17,255 --> 00:16:18,797
And a cd to autograph.
371
00:16:18,821 --> 00:16:20,429
So that way if I get
It back in the mail,
372
00:16:20,453 --> 00:16:21,696
I know she's forgiven me.
373
00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:23,162
- and if you get a
Restraining order,
374
00:16:23,186 --> 00:16:24,860
You'll know she hasn't.
375
00:16:24,884 --> 00:16:25,994
- oh, no.
376
00:16:26,018 --> 00:16:27,760
- oh, they're not that bad.
377
00:16:27,784 --> 00:16:29,626
You'd be surprised
How much trash talking
378
00:16:29,649 --> 00:16:31,825
You can do from 300 feet.
379
00:16:33,882 --> 00:16:36,777
- oh, here comes the
Lucky trollop now.
380
00:16:38,279 --> 00:16:41,909
- somebody please turn out
That hideous light in the sky.
381
00:16:46,742 --> 00:16:50,250
- you're looking properly
Debased and debauched.
382
00:16:50,274 --> 00:16:53,517
- was the insensitive mauling
Everything you hoped?
383
00:16:53,541 --> 00:16:57,648
- he was thoughtful and
Caring and very unselfish in bed.
384
00:16:57,672 --> 00:16:59,601
- you poor thing.
385
00:17:00,838 --> 00:17:02,180
- are you okay?
386
00:17:02,204 --> 00:17:04,279
- I'm more than okay.
387
00:17:04,303 --> 00:17:05,977
You know, we didn't
Do our whole catalog,
388
00:17:06,001 --> 00:17:08,331
But we managed a
Medley of greatest hits.
389
00:17:09,867 --> 00:17:12,342
And then this morning he ate
His egg whites and turkey bacon
390
00:17:12,366 --> 00:17:15,074
Off the small of my back.
391
00:17:15,097 --> 00:17:17,773
- um, melanie?
392
00:17:21,495 --> 00:17:24,637
- breathe. I don't see
A restraining order.
393
00:17:24,661 --> 00:17:27,669
- ah, you'd think
Being best friends
394
00:17:27,693 --> 00:17:28,768
With a famous celebrity
395
00:17:28,792 --> 00:17:31,734
She'd be over
This by now, but...
396
00:17:31,758 --> 00:17:33,000
- your blouse inside out?
397
00:17:33,024 --> 00:17:34,988
- excuse me.
398
00:17:37,589 --> 00:17:39,231
- I better go and help her.
399
00:17:39,254 --> 00:17:41,352
Yesterday she
Pulled a bra muscle.
400
00:17:43,520 --> 00:17:45,129
- you all live here together?
401
00:17:45,153 --> 00:17:46,561
- yeah. It's like a
Big slumber party.
402
00:17:46,585 --> 00:17:48,360
I can't believe you're here.
403
00:17:48,384 --> 00:17:49,660
Please, come in and sit down.
404
00:17:49,684 --> 00:17:51,859
Wow, this is crazy.
I mean, I just...
405
00:17:51,883 --> 00:17:54,725
This is like a fantasy
Come true for me.
406
00:17:54,749 --> 00:17:57,990
- hey, I, um, brought that
Cd you wanted me to sign.
407
00:17:58,014 --> 00:18:01,288
Your note was very sweet.
408
00:18:01,312 --> 00:18:03,354
- oh, and I meant
Every word of it.
409
00:18:03,378 --> 00:18:05,720
You are... You're just amazing,
410
00:18:05,744 --> 00:18:08,086
And you're so beautiful.
411
00:18:08,110 --> 00:18:10,152
I mean, I can't even
Begin to tell you
412
00:18:10,176 --> 00:18:11,451
Everything that's in my heart,
413
00:18:11,475 --> 00:18:14,005
But I hope you know
What I mean because I...
414
00:18:19,205 --> 00:18:21,436
Did not see that comin'.
415
00:18:22,937 --> 00:18:24,612
- yeah, I know. I...
416
00:18:24,636 --> 00:18:26,745
I don't usually get
Involved with my fans,
417
00:18:26,769 --> 00:18:32,409
But your passes last night
Were so clumsy and pathetic...
418
00:18:32,433 --> 00:18:35,208
It was actually
Kind of adorable.
419
00:18:35,232 --> 00:18:38,207
- this is clearly gonna
Come as a surprise to you,
420
00:18:38,230 --> 00:18:41,072
But I had no idea you were gay.
421
00:18:41,096 --> 00:18:44,404
- seriously?
422
00:18:44,428 --> 00:18:46,803
- not that it matters, 'cause
I'm like totally down with that.
423
00:18:46,827 --> 00:18:48,603
You know, I mean...
424
00:18:48,627 --> 00:18:50,868
I mean, I'm down with other
People being down with that,
425
00:18:50,892 --> 00:18:53,490
But that's not how I get down.
426
00:18:55,390 --> 00:18:57,799
- wait, I don't get it.
How could you not know?
427
00:18:57,823 --> 00:18:59,466
- well, why would I?
428
00:18:59,490 --> 00:19:00,932
- well, for starters,
That cd you're holding's
429
00:19:00,955 --> 00:19:02,652
called I like girls.
430
00:19:06,053 --> 00:19:10,027
- oh, so your song
"Love my honey pot"...
431
00:19:10,051 --> 00:19:13,892
- wait, so the note
That you wrote me
432
00:19:13,916 --> 00:19:16,458
That said that my music
Had given you the courage,
433
00:19:16,482 --> 00:19:18,890
You know, to let the
Woman inside you come out...
434
00:19:18,914 --> 00:19:22,856
- ohh, right. Yeah.
435
00:19:22,880 --> 00:19:24,588
I can see how that
Would be misleading.
436
00:19:24,612 --> 00:19:26,820
- yeah, but your
Friends upstairs,
437
00:19:26,844 --> 00:19:28,287
Helping each other
With their bra...
438
00:19:28,311 --> 00:19:32,018
- not gay, either.
439
00:19:32,042 --> 00:19:35,751
- well, you enjoy that cd.
440
00:19:35,774 --> 00:19:38,315
- I'm sorry. Oh!
441
00:19:38,339 --> 00:19:40,682
Bye.
442
00:19:40,706 --> 00:19:44,513
- "Love my honey pot"?
443
00:19:44,537 --> 00:19:46,634
A clue maybe?
444
00:19:49,635 --> 00:19:51,477
- oh, don't feel
So bad, melanie.
445
00:19:51,501 --> 00:19:54,164
I didn't know about elton
John or george michael.
446
00:19:56,133 --> 00:19:59,574
I thought he wanted my sex.
447
00:19:59,598 --> 00:20:02,872
- I didn't even know the
Village people were gay.
448
00:20:02,896 --> 00:20:04,305
- yeah, they kind of ruined
449
00:20:04,329 --> 00:20:06,004
That whole cowboys
With short shorts
450
00:20:06,028 --> 00:20:09,603
And a mustache look
For straight guys.
451
00:20:09,627 --> 00:20:13,335
- in my day, nobody knew
Anything about anyone.
452
00:20:13,359 --> 00:20:15,700
Rock hudson, tab hunter.
453
00:20:15,724 --> 00:20:19,532
I had a big thing for liberace.
454
00:20:19,556 --> 00:20:22,265
- you thought
Liberace was straight?
455
00:20:22,289 --> 00:20:24,686
- I could have turned him.
32629
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