Original subtitles

- hot in cleveland is recorded

In front of a live Studio audience.

- we're still in a rented House in ohio, right?

- yep.

- so last night, a guy 15 Years younger than me

Really did give me His phone number.

- oh, it's the magic Of cleveland, joy.

All the most beautiful People in the world

Move to l.A. To become stars,

Leaving behind in Their wake beauty voids

For the rest of us to fill.

- I've never dated younger.

I think I'm gonna give it a try.

It's exciting.

- it's disgusting.

You're too old and creaky

To be robbing the cradle.

- I'm old? Was ohio even a State when you were born?

- they were talking about it.

- oh! I've run out Of cotton balls.

Elka, where's the Nearest neiman marcus?

- chicago.

But there's a big n easy Just down the street.

This outfit...

3 for $10.

- incentive indeed.

Although my agent has said That having played honor st. Raven

For the past 27 years, I Am somewhat typecast

As a woman of Taste and refinement.

Perhaps I could better Portray a common person

If I observe them in Their natural habitat.

- morning.

How'd everyone sleep? Me, rock.

And what a beautiful Ohio morning.

Birds are chirping. People are smiling.

Someone actually Said "Hiya" to me...

With the "Ya."

- who put a quarter in that one?

- oh, I have big news.

I'm extending my lease here,

And I'm thinking of putting My house in l.A. On the market.

- wow, melanie, you're really Going through with this?

- well, how are you Gonna get your botox?

- that's your first question?

I'll find a doctor here.

- cleveland botox?

Good god, woman, Are you an animal?

- well, I'm glad you're staying.

- well, thank you, Miss belle of the bar.

- oh, stop.

- how many guys gave you Their number last night?

- one or two.

I had to wait till I was 88

To find out I have game.

What do you want for breakfast?

- oh, you cook? - and give advice.

like drama on entourage.

- you watch entourage?

you seem more like A weeds viewer to me.

- that show is so unrealistic.

- I'll have egg whites, please.

- half a grapefruit, Sprinkle of splenda.

- steel-cut oats with Seasonal berries.

- pancakes and bacon, coming up.

- I cannot believe

That all this great Furniture was in storage.

I mean, I love the Tables. I love the chair.

I love the sofa. I Really love the rugs.

I might not even send For my stuff in l.A.

Oh, boy, if this furniture Could talk, huh?

- it would be a welcome relief.

I'm sorry.

I just... I get a little, You know, carried away.

So have you decided Which guy to call yet?

- no. - really?

Well, you know what? Why Don't you let me help you?

Just tell me a Little bit about them.

- well, arthur Can drive at night.

And larry has that Nice full ring of hair.

Sal has both original hips,

Which is sexy as hell.

- well, it sounds to me Like you can't go wrong,

So just pick one and call.

- uh, right.

Maybe tomorrow.

- elka, what's going on?

- oh, melanie, I don't Know how to call a man.

- okay, I'm gonna help you.

Let's just pretend, all Right? We'll practice.

Which one of these Do you want me to be?

- larry with the hair.

- okay.

I'm larry. You call me.

- ring, ring.

- hello? - what are you doing?

I mean, nobody over 80 Answers on the first ring.

- well, yeah, okay.

Sorry, sorry, my bad. Um, let's try this again.

- ring, ring.

Ring, ring.

Ring, ring.

Ring, ring.

Ring, ring.

- hello? - I can't do this.

- oh, elka.

- how do I look?

- like you stepped Out of a painting...

Of hookers.

- do not pay attention to her.

Joy, you look Absolutely gorgeous.

- are you sure? Not too "Cougary"?

Oh, god, I hate That bloody word.

But that's what I am, aren't I?

And I'm the worst Kind of cougar...

A self-hating cougar. Maybe I should call and cancel.

- stop acting so ridiculous.

- but what if he makes References I don't understand.

- look, if you say Something wrong,

You can always fall Back on being british.

You know, you could say, um,

That's what we calls it

In london.

- okay, I'll go,

But only because I'm Terrified you'll do that again.

Oh, can I help you?

- it's me. Give me a hand.

- can't. I'm leaving on my date. - oh, what are you wearing?

- that thing that I Wore to that thing

Where that guy Thought I was that model.

- mm. Good choice.

Just remember what it Does when you sit down.

Oh, my god.

What an ordeal. So many people.

Although I got To hand it to them,

No matter how big you are,

In cleveland, Everybody seems to think

That they can pull Off wearing shorts.

- so what's with all the stuff?

- oh, you can't leave A big n easy with less.

You know, everywhere you turn,

They're offering a Lifetime supply of something

For a pittance.

- so you got all this for that? - I know.

I could have bought Out the entire store

For what I spent last Month on vermouth.

Oh, my god, vermouth. I forgot the vermouth.

I got to go.

- wait, wait, it's still open?

- oh, yeah, they never close.

Oh, no, they welcome in all People anytime, day or night.

It's like hell.

- you know, my Favorite is the one

Where jan got the wig. - mm.

- an excellent choice.

But for me, it has to be where Marsha stalked davy jones.

- I love all those old reruns.

Yeah...

Reruns.

- and I know I said It two minutes ago,

But you are incredibly pretty.

Stop.

But don't stop.

- and funny and smart,

And your accent Drives me crazy...

In a good way.

You know, I was Actually born in britain.

- really? - yeah.

My birth mom gave Me up for adoption

To this american couple.

- really?

Oh, my god!

I think I'm dating my son.

- so he was born in london? - on the exact same day.

- and year. I made him Say it, like, three times.

- wow, that is a Huge coincidence.

- no kidding.

- so what did you say to him?

- oh, I made up some lame excuse

And basically Bolted out of there.

And up until the time I found Out I might be his mother,

He was the best Date I've had in years.

- saw the light on. What's up?

- oh, go ahead.

- when joy was a Teenager, she got pregnant.

- I'm not surprised.

- and now she thinks she Might be dating her son.

- still not surprised.

You sleeping with him? - no!

- wait. You told me You never had children.

- because that's What I tell people.

I've never raised a child.

Besides, it's a time in my Life I prefer to keep buried.

Oh, it's him asking if I'm okay.

Oh. What a sweet boy.

Maybe I should just call Him and tell him the truth.

- what, are you Out of your mind?

What if he isn't your son?

- "I might be your mother"... Probably a romance killer.

- and what's even more Horrific is you'd have to admit

That you're old Enough to be his mother.

Now, how old does He think you are?

- he said I looked 38.

- your son is Mentally challenged?

- I just wish I had some Proof one way or another.

- you know, something like this

Once happened To honor st. Raven.

You remember when I was on that island

Studying monkeys?

- yeah, I might have Missed that episode.

- it was a six-month arc.

- how long are we gonna do This? Just tell us what happened.

- well, the scientist I was Working with kidnapped me

And then revealed himself

to be the venezuelan Hit man el gato.

- that's "The cat."

- thank you, telemundo.

But what does this have To do with my situation?

- well, he also Claimed to be my father.

- well, that's just stupid.

- it was submitted For a humanitas award.

- by whom?

- it was submitted.

And anyway, I had to prove That he wasn't my father,

So I had to collect A sample of his dna.

Now, that's what you should do.

- oh, yeah, like on csi.

You could get his skin scrapings From under your fingernails,

Or you could get a Sample of his blood,

Or you could swab the Inside of his cheek with a q-tip.

- all very natural Dating activities.

- but, joy, you need to know.

I mean, is he your Sweet baby boy

Or your dirty, Sexy, hot boyfriend?

And either way, win-win.

- I can't believe I'm Actually saying this,

but how did honor st. Raven get el gato's dna?

- I plucked a hair from his head

With the follicle Still attached.

You get that, and We can test his dna.

- from our home dna lab?

- no worries.

I've got a lab I've done Some business with.

- so, young lady, you ready To make that phone call again?

- uh, I already did.

Turns out he's not interested.

- you're lying.

- okay, fine. I Just can't do it.

I'm scared. - oh, come on.

Who would say no to this?

- well, you got that right.

- come on, call Larry with the hair.

Do you have his number?

- I know it by heart.

Hello, this is elka ostrovsky

Calling for larry.

Uh-huh.

Okay, saturday at 1:00.

I'll be there.

- yay! Good for You. Lucky larry.

- larry's dead. I'm Going to his funeral.

See, it's fate telling Me it's too late.

- or this is fate reminding you

That life is short, So you'd better call

The other one before He pops off too.

- okay, I'll try sal's number.

- try sal.

- he answered right away.

- well, he's got The two good hips.

- sal, this is elka.

I met you at...

Yes, it's dimples.

I'm nervous.

- you're doing great, and I'm right here if you need me.

- I was thinking we Might meet later tonight

For a double date.

Her name is melanie. - what?

- you have a younger friend?

Only 85.

Uses a walker, but Grips it very lightly.

- oh, tyler, what A lovely place.

You're doing very Well for yourself...

Although you really should Tidy up before company comes.

- what are you, my mother?

- would that be so bad?

- what? - nothing. Just joking.

- yeah, you are funny...

And smoking hot.

- oh, well, good genes.

- you know, I got to say, I was a little surprised

When I got your text That we should skip dinner

And come directly here instead.

- well, it's a little More private.

- awesome.

- you know, you have The most fabulous hair...

So thick and full.

- yeah, it's just like yours. - yeah, I noticed that.

I just want to reach In and grab hold...

And grab harder.

- yeah.

- oh, god!

I'm so sorry. Are you okay?

- yeah, I'm fine.

Really. - oh, no, you're bleeding.

Oh, you're bleeding!

- I'll just go clean Up. It's nothing.

- no, no, no, wait. I have tissues.

Lots and lots of tissues.

My friend victoria Buys them in bulk.

There. That should be enough.

I mean, that's better.

You know, I'd really prefer White wine if you have it.

- oh, okay.

Coming right up.

Any particular kind of...

What are you doing?

- oh, nothing. It's just a baggie.

My friend victoria gets Those by the bulk too.

She's nuts, that woman...

Crazy, crazy, crazy victoria.

- why are you Collecting my blood?

- oh, well, you know,

Collecting blood Is all the rage now.

true blood, twilight,

new moon, eclipse... I get it.

- so, what, you're a vampire?

- no, no, no, no, no, no.

I don't want to suck your blood.

I just want to take It home with me.

I was collecting Your dna, because...

I think I might possibly Be your mother.

- my mother?

- it's better than a vampire.

- no, it isn't.

- look, I-I gave up a Baby for adoption.

- I know my birth mother.

- you do?

- yeah, I registered On a website.

I met her, like, ten years ago.

- oh.

Oh.

Well, that's fantastic news.

I'm not your mother.

We can go back to How we were now.

- um... - I'll just let myself out.

- here's to the prettiest Girl in the place.

- well, thank you.

- yes, that is refreshing.

- what? - it's refreshing!

- it's refreshing, isn't it?

- yeah.

- plenty more where That came from.

- hey, what are you Doing home so early?

Did you get the hair?

- he's not my son...

Or my boyfriend.

- oh, sweetie, I'm sorry.

- what a night.

- yeah, I'll say.

I was out with a Handsy 85-year-old

Who doesn't get "No means No" because he couldn't hear it.

Where's victoria?

- big n easy... Where else?

- she's really getting Addicted to that place.

- time for an intervention? - yeah, I think so.

- how many interventions Have we done for her?

- oh, counting Kabbalah and colonics?

Ooh, look, a crowd... It Must be something good.

- ooh, hope there's more Of that beer-battered...

What was that? - who cares?

It was battered in beer.

- don't worry. No detergent Box will go unsigned.

- victoria?

- joy. Uh, melanie.

What a surprise.

Would you excuse Me for just a moment?

- darling, isn't this All a little pathetic?

- well, I suppose some People might think so.

By the way, how was Your date with your son?

- turns out he's not my son.

- boyfriend? - nope.

- you okay?

- yep.

Free samples are helping.

- so you bought all that stuff

Just as an excuse To come down here?

- yes.

See, I've been Feeling very insecure

ever since the edge of Tomorrow was canceled,

And I-I just didn't want To burden you two with it.

- you talk about It all the time.

- yes, but I've really Wanted to talk about it more.

- attention, big N easy shoppers...

- can you believe that's us?

- in the deli department, We are proud to announce

Our latest yard-long Hero sandwich,

The victoria chase.

- you see, I'm a hero.

Oh, come on. I Promised I'd spray on

The first foot of cheese.

- hey, what are you doing?

- you won't approve.

- tell us.

- googling the ex.

I found a picture of Anders and kim in paris.

Apparently, they were Flying to some competition...

'cause she's a fitness model.

- all right, take it from Someone who went searching

For validation in bulk.

Sometimes it's just Best to let things go.

- yeah, you're right. What's past is past.

- still, you can't Pretend it never existed.

Here, let me have that.

Tyler mentioned this website

He used to let his mother Know he was looking for her.

- oh, joy, this is amazing.

Are you really thinking Of finding your son?

- maybe.

It's all just a...

A lot.

- I can't imagine.

- yes, you can. You're a mother.

- hey, so are you.

- thanks.

Oh, it's just so weird to Think of him out there...

A grown man.

He could be married, Have kids of his own.

I might even have...

Grandkids.

- hey, maybe one of 'em's Old enough for you to date.

Too soon?