Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:36,240 --> 00:00:38,840
Er, no, we're going to have to
tell them at no point.
2
00:00:38,840 --> 00:00:42,120
What? The first time we've ever had
girlfriends at the same time?
3
00:00:42,120 --> 00:00:43,360
Do you know how happy mum will be?
4
00:00:43,360 --> 00:00:45,440
Yes, the happiest she's ever
been in her entire life.
5
00:00:45,440 --> 00:00:48,480
Exactly. And it will be hell.
It won't be hell.
6
00:00:50,280 --> 00:00:52,440
It will be hell, won't it? Total
hell.
7
00:00:52,440 --> 00:00:54,560
Let's definitely not tell them.
8
00:00:55,840 --> 00:00:58,240
Yuck. What's that smell?
9
00:00:58,240 --> 00:00:59,360
Sewers.
10
00:01:00,600 --> 00:01:03,000
Oh. Um, thanks.
11
00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:04,160
You're welcome.
12
00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:09,320
Scared of the man? Petrified.
13
00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:13,200
And there it is.
14
00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:15,440
Dad's massive, stupid caravan.
15
00:01:15,440 --> 00:01:17,640
It's absolutely disgusting.
16
00:01:17,640 --> 00:01:20,400
It's a dustbin on wheels. Dustbin on
bricks.
17
00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:22,760
Hello, bambinos. Hi. Hello, Dad.
18
00:01:22,760 --> 00:01:24,840
Well, what do you think?
19
00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:27,120
Er, were you wearing a blindfold
when you bought that?
20
00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:29,600
What? Or were you just in a coma?
Pillock.
21
00:01:29,600 --> 00:01:31,760
Why the hell did you buy a caravan?
22
00:01:31,760 --> 00:01:35,000
I told you, I went in one
when I was a boy, and...
23
00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:35,920
Whoa.
24
00:01:37,040 --> 00:01:38,120
That's not dangerous.
25
00:01:38,120 --> 00:01:40,240
Yeah, "Safety last", eh, Dad?
26
00:01:40,240 --> 00:01:41,480
Idiots.
27
00:01:41,480 --> 00:01:43,320
Well, come in then.
28
00:01:43,320 --> 00:01:44,080
Really?
29
00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:45,520
Say your prayers.
30
00:01:47,600 --> 00:01:48,840
Well?
31
00:01:52,520 --> 00:01:55,520
And if you thought it looked
nice on the outside...
32
00:01:55,520 --> 00:01:58,600
What a dump. What? It's fabulous.
33
00:01:58,600 --> 00:01:59,800
Yes, it's a fabulous shithole.
34
00:01:59,800 --> 00:02:02,640
It's not a shithole. Ow.
35
00:02:02,640 --> 00:02:04,960
Now, listen, I need your help.
36
00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:06,360
Psychological help, or...?
37
00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:10,080
How am I going to get that mother
of yours to set foot in my caravan?
38
00:02:10,080 --> 00:02:11,640
Er, have you tried chloroform?
39
00:02:11,640 --> 00:02:13,880
She hates this bloody thing.
40
00:02:13,880 --> 00:02:15,840
And might that be because you bought
this shithole behind her back?
41
00:02:15,840 --> 00:02:17,360
It's not a shithole.
42
00:02:19,080 --> 00:02:20,800
Well, OK, it needs a bit of work.
43
00:02:20,800 --> 00:02:22,160
Or a bit of dynamite.
44
00:02:22,160 --> 00:02:23,800
So? So, what?
45
00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:24,800
Are you going to help me, then?
46
00:02:24,800 --> 00:02:27,960
What? Help you make mum like your
horrible caravan? Yes.
47
00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:29,320
BOTH: No.
48
00:02:29,320 --> 00:02:30,680
Why not? Because it's a shithole.
49
00:02:32,200 --> 00:02:33,200
Jesus.
50
00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:35,200
Yeah, that needs adjusting.
51
00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:36,560
You need adjusting. Goodbye.
52
00:02:36,560 --> 00:02:37,680
Now wait...
53
00:02:37,680 --> 00:02:40,600
Now, how about we all have
dinner in here tonight?
54
00:02:40,600 --> 00:02:42,600
Sure, Dad. Sure. It'll be lovely.
55
00:02:42,600 --> 00:02:45,760
All four of us, the whole family,
eating together.
56
00:02:45,760 --> 00:02:48,560
Dying together. Look, it's got
everything, a kitchen.
57
00:02:48,560 --> 00:02:50,360
Hideous. A dining area. Hideous.
58
00:02:50,360 --> 00:02:51,640
Toilet.
59
00:02:53,920 --> 00:02:55,160
That's just terrifying.
60
00:02:55,160 --> 00:02:57,600
OK, then, just look at what
I made for your mum.
61
00:02:57,600 --> 00:02:59,480
Boys...
62
00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:00,640
I thought you were in here.
63
00:03:00,640 --> 00:03:03,200
Hi. Hi, Mum. Hello, my sweet, are
you coming inside?
64
00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:04,640
You know the answer, Martin.
65
00:03:04,640 --> 00:03:07,280
Boys... But you haven't even given
it a chance.
66
00:03:07,280 --> 00:03:09,720
Come on, Jackie, you don't
know what you're missing.
67
00:03:09,720 --> 00:03:11,840
Any number of diseases.
68
00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:14,480
Ow. OK, out of that shithole.
69
00:03:14,480 --> 00:03:16,000
Certainly.
70
00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:18,000
It's not a shithole.
71
00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:19,520
And make sure you wash your hands.
72
00:03:19,520 --> 00:03:21,000
What? They don't need to wash their
hands.
73
00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:22,760
Er, we do need to wash our hands.
74
00:03:22,760 --> 00:03:25,280
Um, and dinner's nearly ready. Are
you coming inside or what?
75
00:03:25,280 --> 00:03:26,360
Well, actually, Jackie,
76
00:03:26,360 --> 00:03:28,760
the boys said that they'd really
like to have dinner in the caravan.
77
00:03:28,760 --> 00:03:30,960
Yes, that is exactly what we said.
78
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:34,320
Martin, for the 800th time, we are
not having dinner in your...
79
00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:36,120
..murder van, all right?
80
00:03:36,120 --> 00:03:37,520
All right. God.
81
00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:40,160
See you, Dad. Yeah, enjoy your
murdering.
82
00:03:41,360 --> 00:03:43,800
He wants us to have dinner in that?!
83
00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:47,400
Certain death. Can you believe your
stupid dad bought a caravan?
84
00:03:47,400 --> 00:03:49,200
Not just any caravan. That caravan.
85
00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:51,400
All week it's been
festering in our drive.
86
00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:53,520
Boys, where can we get a crushing
machine?
87
00:03:53,520 --> 00:03:56,160
You know he wanted to take me
on holiday in that thing?
88
00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:57,360
On holiday?
89
00:03:57,360 --> 00:03:59,840
What? So you can both plummet off a
cliff?
90
00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:01,400
Hands.
91
00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:04,160
It's funny, I haven't
stepped inside it once yet,
92
00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:06,240
and it's been sending him quite mad.
93
00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:07,520
We hadn't noticed.
94
00:04:08,680 --> 00:04:10,120
What's with the water?
95
00:04:10,120 --> 00:04:12,320
Oh, cos they've been digging
up the silly road.
96
00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:14,600
Looking for dad's victims?
97
00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:18,240
Yes, I'm really enjoying
annoying your father at the moment.
98
00:04:18,240 --> 00:04:19,400
And long may it continue, Mother.
99
00:04:22,560 --> 00:04:24,480
Hm, I'm really enjoying it.
100
00:04:26,200 --> 00:04:28,360
Er, is that, gin?
101
00:04:28,360 --> 00:04:31,560
Sorry. I must just go for a wee.
102
00:04:31,560 --> 00:04:32,400
Mum?
103
00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:36,280
She's drinking gin. That's what she
drinks when she's...
104
00:04:36,280 --> 00:04:38,600
..depressed. We have to tell her our
news. No way.
105
00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:41,960
Adam. Boys. Ugh. God, Dad, what are
you doing?
106
00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:43,080
Shhh. Where's your mother?
107
00:04:43,080 --> 00:04:46,240
What? Where is she? Um, in the
loo. What do you want?
108
00:04:46,240 --> 00:04:49,200
Just gone in the loo? Or been in
there a while? Does it matter?
109
00:04:49,200 --> 00:04:51,320
Has your brain fallen
out of your head tonight?
110
00:04:51,320 --> 00:04:53,120
Just answer the sodding question.
111
00:04:53,120 --> 00:04:56,120
Um, she's been in the loo for,
precisely 17 seconds.
112
00:04:56,120 --> 00:04:57,960
Great.
113
00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:01,040
Right, this is the plan.
The plan?
114
00:05:01,040 --> 00:05:03,000
You take the soup,
follow me out through the side door,
115
00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:05,160
all the way up to the caravan. What?
116
00:05:05,160 --> 00:05:06,720
Dinner in the caravan. Remember?
117
00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:08,520
Erm, no, we don't remember.
118
00:05:08,520 --> 00:05:11,040
No, we do remember, we said
we definitely do not
119
00:05:11,040 --> 00:05:13,000
want to have dinner in your
disgusting caravan.
120
00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:15,840
God, then I'll have to get the
bloody soup myself then, won't I?
121
00:05:15,840 --> 00:05:19,600
Thanks for nothing.
122
00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:23,360
Martin? What are you doing with my
soup? Huh? Boys, quick.
123
00:05:23,360 --> 00:05:24,240
You little git.
124
00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:26,160
What are you doing?
125
00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:28,280
Dad thinks he's in a prison
movie or something.
126
00:05:28,280 --> 00:05:29,880
Were you stealing my soup?
127
00:05:29,880 --> 00:05:32,400
No. Yes, you were. Shut up.
128
00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:34,120
And have a guess where
he was taking it.
129
00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:35,840
Right, I'm having that, thank you.
130
00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:37,800
But Jackie, I've made it
all nice in there.
131
00:05:37,800 --> 00:05:39,760
What? You mean you've emptied
the chemical toilet?
132
00:05:39,760 --> 00:05:42,040
Actually, I may need a hand
with that thing,
133
00:05:42,040 --> 00:05:44,240
cos the unit's jammed
and it's brimming with human waste.
134
00:05:44,240 --> 00:05:46,320
OK, maybe you shouldn't have
dinner with us tonight.
135
00:05:46,320 --> 00:05:48,880
What? Er, Mum? Shut up, boys.
136
00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:52,640
Yes, maybe you should eat
all on your own.
137
00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:55,120
But, Jackie. In your shithole.
138
00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:56,680
It's not a shithole!
139
00:05:56,680 --> 00:05:59,040
Right then.
140
00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:00,520
Dinner for three?
141
00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:10,720
This is fun, isn't it?
142
00:06:10,720 --> 00:06:15,360
The three of us having dinner,
mummy and her boys.
143
00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:17,240
Uh-huh.
144
00:06:17,240 --> 00:06:19,920
What? Well, I mean,
obviously this is great fun.
145
00:06:19,920 --> 00:06:22,800
Great fun. And not at all like we
suddenly don't have a dad any more.
146
00:06:22,800 --> 00:06:26,440
Very good. Even though we always set
a place for him at the table.
147
00:06:26,440 --> 00:06:28,720
To remind us of the better times.
148
00:06:28,720 --> 00:06:30,040
Thank you, boys.
149
00:06:30,040 --> 00:06:31,560
I hope he's all right in there.
150
00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:32,720
Poor dad.
151
00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:35,360
Poor dad? Right.
152
00:06:35,360 --> 00:06:38,680
We'll see if he's all
right in there, shall we?
153
00:06:38,680 --> 00:06:39,960
Jackie to Martin.
154
00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:41,000
BOTH: What is that?
155
00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:44,840
Your dad's stupid thing for
when he's in his stupid, crapmobile.
156
00:06:44,840 --> 00:06:48,280
Martin, it's Jackie,
are you all right in there?
157
00:06:50,480 --> 00:06:52,880
It's a good system.
158
00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:55,520
Martin to Jackie, how many times do
I have to tell you?
159
00:06:55,520 --> 00:06:59,520
It's "Are you all
right in there OVER?"
160
00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:00,480
He's all right in there.
161
00:07:02,360 --> 00:07:04,960
I'm sorry,
but it's been like this all week.
162
00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:07,040
Every night he's
had his dinner out there,
163
00:07:07,040 --> 00:07:11,000
and I've had my dinner in here.
It's been really hard.
164
00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:16,000
I've been really lonely.
165
00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:20,200
Adam's got a girlfriend. You shit.
166
00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:22,840
Ow. What? Jonny's got a girlfriend.
167
00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:25,400
Huh? You've both got girlfriends?
168
00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:26,640
BOTH: Yes.
169
00:07:26,640 --> 00:07:28,320
At the same time?
170
00:07:28,320 --> 00:07:29,160
BOTH: Yes.
171
00:07:29,160 --> 00:07:32,080
Oh, my God, thank you!
172
00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:36,440
Please. Thank you.
173
00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:38,680
Mum. Oh, I am so excited.
174
00:07:38,680 --> 00:07:40,440
Martin? Uh.
175
00:07:40,440 --> 00:07:43,760
Martin. Come inside right now.
176
00:07:43,760 --> 00:07:45,240
Something incredible's just
happened.
177
00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:47,360
Seriously?
178
00:07:47,360 --> 00:07:50,720
Boys, you don't know how happy
you've just made your mother.
179
00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:52,000
We do.
180
00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:56,520
Martin to Jackie, it's "Something
incredible's just happened OVER!"
181
00:07:56,520 --> 00:07:57,320
God.
182
00:07:58,280 --> 00:07:59,960
Where are you going?
183
00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:01,640
Martin, bloody come in here right
now.
184
00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:04,960
Mum?! The neighbours? Screw the
neighbours.
185
00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:08,800
Oh, we are going to celebrate
tonight.
186
00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:12,280
Are we? And I am going to hear
everything, about everything.
187
00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:14,360
DOOR BELL RINGS
188
00:08:14,360 --> 00:08:16,040
Coming! Right, stay there. Stay
there.
189
00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:19,560
Oooooh. Two weddings.
190
00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:21,160
Hell. Total.
191
00:08:25,640 --> 00:08:26,680
Martin, the boys have...
192
00:08:26,680 --> 00:08:29,240
Hello, Jackie. Oh, it's you.
193
00:08:29,240 --> 00:08:32,240
The boys have what, Jackie? Cholera?
194
00:08:32,240 --> 00:08:33,960
Sorry? Um, terrible time, Jim.
195
00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:36,200
What do you want? Martin?
196
00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:41,120
No, I just wanted you to know that
I've finally come up with a name.
197
00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:45,200
A name? Yes, Jackie, well,
I couldn't keep calling her Wilson,
198
00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:49,000
so, I've come up with a completely
different name for her.
199
00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:50,240
Oh, right.
200
00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:55,280
And, what is it?
201
00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:56,720
Milson.
202
00:08:56,720 --> 00:08:58,560
Milson? Milson.
203
00:09:01,320 --> 00:09:03,320
Hi, Jim. Hello, boys.
204
00:09:03,320 --> 00:09:06,440
Um. Jim's got a completely new
name for his dog.
205
00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:08,720
It's Milson.
206
00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:10,440
Well, that is a completely new
name.
207
00:09:10,440 --> 00:09:12,800
Right, well erm, thank you, Jim.
208
00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:13,720
Martin?
209
00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:19,440
Also, I wondered if you'd noticed a
strange sort of eggy smell outside?
210
00:09:19,440 --> 00:09:21,840
Eggy smell? Yes. Very eggy.
211
00:09:21,840 --> 00:09:23,920
Oh, yeah, well that'll just be
the water people.
212
00:09:23,920 --> 00:09:27,160
The Water People? Where?
213
00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:31,200
Um, in the road, Jim, you know,
the people doing the sewers?
214
00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:33,880
The sewers.
215
00:09:33,880 --> 00:09:35,920
MARTIN: So I'm allowed in now, am I?
216
00:09:35,920 --> 00:09:39,120
Uh. Been in your special little
house, have you, Martin?
217
00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:41,840
What? Oh, that's right.
218
00:09:41,840 --> 00:09:43,600
I've always wanted to
go in one of those.
219
00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:44,880
Well, you're welcome any time, Jim.
220
00:09:44,880 --> 00:09:46,920
Am I? Stupid bumhole.
221
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:49,360
So is that all, Jim? Yes, of course,
Jackie.
222
00:09:49,360 --> 00:09:50,960
Bye all.
223
00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:53,240
Come on, Milson.
224
00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:56,400
Good girl.
225
00:09:56,400 --> 00:10:01,320
Um, goodbye, Jim. Goodnight.
226
00:10:02,480 --> 00:10:04,160
My God.
227
00:10:04,160 --> 00:10:05,720
Milson?
228
00:10:05,720 --> 00:10:08,560
Martin, the boys have some
incredible news.
229
00:10:08,560 --> 00:10:09,840
Go on, tell your dad.
230
00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:11,640
Adam's got three weeks to live.
231
00:10:11,640 --> 00:10:12,600
Ow.
232
00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:14,600
That is a horrible thing to say.
233
00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:16,120
Three weeks?
Can't he make it three days?
234
00:10:16,120 --> 00:10:20,800
Argh, Jackie. God. Both the boys
have got girlfriends.
235
00:10:20,800 --> 00:10:24,040
Really? These two buggers have both
got females?
236
00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:26,880
Uhhh. Yeah, dad, we've both got
"females".
237
00:10:26,880 --> 00:10:29,600
Isn't that amazing? Ooh, what are
their names?
238
00:10:31,240 --> 00:10:32,920
BOTH: Lucy.
239
00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:34,680
Sorry? They're both called Lucy.
240
00:10:34,680 --> 00:10:36,120
Both of your girlfriends are called
Lucy?
241
00:10:36,120 --> 00:10:38,120
Yeah, it's quite annoying actually.
Very annoying.
242
00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:40,520
OK, well, we'll call your Lucy, Lucy
one
243
00:10:40,520 --> 00:10:42,640
and your Lucy, Lucy two. Great idea,
Mum.
244
00:10:42,640 --> 00:10:44,120
Er, why's my girlfriend number two?
245
00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:45,480
Cos she's second best, obviously.
246
00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:46,680
Ow.
247
00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:48,320
Well, aren't you going to say
anything, Martin?
248
00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:51,320
What? Oh, yes...
249
00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:52,920
..well done. Well done?
250
00:10:52,920 --> 00:10:54,520
Both of your sons have got
girlfriends
251
00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:57,360
and that's all you can say?
It's OK, mum. It's not OK.
252
00:10:57,360 --> 00:11:00,040
Do you know how many years I've been
waiting for this bloody moment?
253
00:11:00,040 --> 00:11:03,480
You're supposed to be their father.
Say something proper to your sons.
254
00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:06,200
OK, boys...
255
00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:08,240
BOTH: Yes?
256
00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:10,520
..always wear a sheath.
257
00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:17,600
Ahhh, your girlfriends sound
so nice.
258
00:11:17,600 --> 00:11:19,720
Yes, please ask lots more
questions about them.
259
00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:21,240
Like another 100,000.
260
00:11:21,240 --> 00:11:23,800
Stop it. Can we have the rest
of our dinner now?
261
00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:26,160
Come on, photos?
262
00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:27,960
Photos? Really? Come on.
263
00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:28,840
Uhhh.
264
00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:33,520
Ooh, lovely hair.
265
00:11:33,520 --> 00:11:36,360
Yup. Ooh, lovely smile.
266
00:11:36,360 --> 00:11:38,200
Mine's definitely the fittest.
The shittest.
267
00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:39,960
Dad? Pissface.
268
00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:41,440
Who do you think's the fittest?
269
00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:43,200
Oh, how can you say such a thing.
270
00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:45,240
The fittest? How would I know?
271
00:11:45,240 --> 00:11:48,360
Have you tried racing them
against each other?
272
00:11:48,360 --> 00:11:49,960
Huh?
273
00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:53,360
Fantastic celebration.
274
00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:55,040
Well, if you really want to
celebrate,
275
00:11:55,040 --> 00:11:56,720
why don't we all go in my caravan?
276
00:11:56,720 --> 00:11:58,160
Or why don't we not?
277
00:11:58,160 --> 00:11:59,760
In fact, if you and your "ladies"
278
00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:02,200
ever want to use the caravan for a
bit of, you know...
279
00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:04,120
"Ar-ar-ar-ah. Ar--ar-ar-ar-ar-ah."
280
00:12:04,120 --> 00:12:06,320
Oh, my God. Just ask.
281
00:12:06,320 --> 00:12:08,040
You're revolting. You know that?
Oh, yes.
282
00:12:10,360 --> 00:12:11,520
Right, go in there
283
00:12:11,520 --> 00:12:15,840
and take the chicken into the dining
room, will you?
284
00:12:15,840 --> 00:12:17,560
Ar-ar-ar-ah. Ar--ar-ar-ar-ar-ah.
285
00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:21,640
OK. Nazi interrogation over?
286
00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:23,720
All right. Yes.
287
00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:25,160
Bring on the chicken.
288
00:12:25,160 --> 00:12:26,000
Chicken time.
289
00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:30,080
Ahhh, I can't wait to
meet your lovely girls.
290
00:12:30,080 --> 00:12:31,520
Sorry? Huh?
291
00:12:31,520 --> 00:12:33,400
Well, you want them
to meet mummy, don't you?
292
00:12:36,640 --> 00:12:38,080
Right.
293
00:12:38,080 --> 00:12:40,600
Thank you for ruining
my celebration.
294
00:12:40,600 --> 00:12:42,880
Your celebration?
295
00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:45,680
OK, obviously mum and dad are never
meeting our girlfriends.
296
00:12:45,680 --> 00:12:49,120
Obviously. Boys? Boys?
297
00:12:49,120 --> 00:12:51,760
Mum? What's happened?
298
00:12:51,760 --> 00:12:53,800
He's taken the chicken.
299
00:13:02,320 --> 00:13:03,760
Give me back my chicken.
300
00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:05,120
This is ridiculous.
301
00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:07,240
Piss off.
302
00:13:07,240 --> 00:13:09,280
How's he got his top off already?
STATIC FEEDBACK
303
00:13:09,280 --> 00:13:11,880
Martin, come out with the chicken
this second.
304
00:13:11,880 --> 00:13:16,040
It's, "Martin, come out with
the chicken this second, OVER."
305
00:13:16,040 --> 00:13:18,040
How many bleeding times? Jonny!
306
00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:22,720
Bloody sods! Give us the chicken!
Now!
307
00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:24,320
Get off! Dad!
308
00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:26,600
OK, you can have the chicken,
309
00:13:26,600 --> 00:13:29,920
you can all have the chicken,
if you eat it in here.
310
00:13:29,920 --> 00:13:34,440
What? Your mum thinks it's
so horrible in my caravan, does she?
311
00:13:34,440 --> 00:13:37,000
Well, just wait till
she sees what I've done for her.
312
00:13:38,760 --> 00:13:40,880
There, see that?
313
00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:44,360
"Martin and Jackie."
Yes, very nice, dad.
314
00:13:44,360 --> 00:13:45,480
Can we have the chicken now?
315
00:13:45,480 --> 00:13:48,720
And if I press this button...
316
00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:50,600
THEY SCREAM
317
00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:53,320
Agh! Now! Sorry, Dad. Oi!
318
00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:57,080
I've got the chicken!
I've got the chicken!
319
00:13:57,080 --> 00:13:59,520
Quickly!
SHE LAUGHS
320
00:13:59,520 --> 00:14:01,800
Give it back, you bastards.
321
00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:03,600
Oh, Bobbles, my heroes.
322
00:14:03,600 --> 00:14:05,760
KNOCKS ON DOOR
Give me that chicken!
323
00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:09,600
Go away! He needs locking up.
KNOCKS ON DOOR
324
00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:12,480
Right. Oh, no, the side door.
325
00:14:12,480 --> 00:14:14,200
CRASH
Ow.
326
00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:16,480
Wait. Huh?
327
00:14:16,480 --> 00:14:18,880
GRUNTING
328
00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:21,880
Ahhh, of course. Hello, Martin.
329
00:14:21,880 --> 00:14:23,160
Well, help me, then.
330
00:14:23,160 --> 00:14:26,760
Certainly, darling,
let me just move this nice,
331
00:14:26,760 --> 00:14:29,640
soft chair out of your way.
Oh, Jackie. Help me for God's sake.
332
00:14:29,640 --> 00:14:32,480
Uh, don't you mean,
"Help me for God's sake, over?"
333
00:14:32,480 --> 00:14:35,400
Why don't you sit down, boys?
Thank you, mother.
334
00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:37,280
You bloody, bleeding...!
335
00:14:37,280 --> 00:14:40,400
HE SHOUTS, THUDS, HE GROANS
336
00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:43,400
Agh. I think I've broken my skull.
337
00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:46,520
You are getting scraps tonight.
Do you hear me? Scraps!
338
00:14:46,520 --> 00:14:47,440
Yes.
339
00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:51,640
Our poor girlfriends,
missing all this.
340
00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:53,640
Hello, all. God, Jim! Christ!
THEY SHOUT
341
00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:56,520
Jim?
342
00:14:56,520 --> 00:14:58,120
Completely flooded?
343
00:14:58,120 --> 00:15:01,720
Yes, Jackie,
my house is completely flooded.
344
00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:04,520
With, what's the word?
345
00:15:04,520 --> 00:15:05,480
Um, water?
346
00:15:05,480 --> 00:15:08,080
Excrement. Excrement? Excrement?
347
00:15:08,080 --> 00:15:12,400
Apparently a sewerage pipe
got redirected into my house.
348
00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:15,440
Th-that's why my shoes are all...
349
00:15:15,440 --> 00:15:17,440
Eeh, ooh...
350
00:15:17,440 --> 00:15:19,240
And, uh...
351
00:15:19,240 --> 00:15:22,000
And then the water people
told me I had to leave
352
00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:25,160
while they tried to fix it.
And now I've got nowhere to go.
353
00:15:25,160 --> 00:15:26,760
Oh, God.
354
00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:28,840
Sorry, Jim,
we'd love to invite you in,
355
00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:31,720
but we're sort of celebrating
tonight.
356
00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:34,600
No more cholera? What?! Sorry?
357
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:36,120
Um, it's all right, Jackie.
358
00:15:36,120 --> 00:15:37,880
I wasn't going to ask
if I could come in.
359
00:15:37,880 --> 00:15:41,160
Good. Oh. No, I just wondered
360
00:15:41,160 --> 00:15:45,600
if maybe I could have a little
piece of chicken to eat.
361
00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:47,520
Er, OK.
362
00:15:47,520 --> 00:15:50,240
And maybe if I could have it
in the...
363
00:15:51,680 --> 00:15:54,160
..special little house.
364
00:15:54,160 --> 00:15:56,640
MUSIC: 1901
by Phoenix
365
00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:04,160
Oof. Nice bone and gristle, Martin?
366
00:16:04,160 --> 00:16:05,360
Ooh.
367
00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:08,240
Jim to Martin on the talkie walkie,
over.
368
00:16:08,240 --> 00:16:11,440
Not again. Definitely going to
be like this all night.
369
00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:12,920
Martin reading, over.
370
00:16:12,920 --> 00:16:16,600
Um, where's the mustard? Over.
371
00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:18,400
The man's driving me bloody mad.
372
00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:20,320
Ahhh, is he?
373
00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:22,720
Martin to Jim.
374
00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:25,840
The mustard's in the little drawer
on the right, over.
375
00:16:25,840 --> 00:16:29,040
Thank you, Martin. Over and out.
376
00:16:29,040 --> 00:16:32,360
Well, at least he follows the
correct communications procedure.
377
00:16:32,360 --> 00:16:33,440
On the talkie walkie.
378
00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:35,600
Jim to Martin on the talkie walkie.
379
00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:38,000
Bleeding hell.
380
00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:39,800
Martin reading. Over.
381
00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:43,160
Do you have anything that looks
and tastes like a lemon,
382
00:16:43,160 --> 00:16:45,800
but isn't a lemon? Over.
383
00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:48,640
Oh, turn the wretched thing off,
will you?
384
00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:51,840
Do your lady friends like caravans?
385
00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:53,320
Do they like caravans?
386
00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:56,400
Martin, our sons announce that
they've both got girlfriends,
387
00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:57,720
and that's the first thing
you want to ask?
388
00:16:57,720 --> 00:17:00,480
Um, sorry, dad I don't actually know
if my girlfriend likes caravans.
389
00:17:00,480 --> 00:17:03,280
Yeah, funny,
I don't really know either.
390
00:17:03,280 --> 00:17:06,240
You don't know
if they like caravans?
391
00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:07,560
What the hell do you talk about?
392
00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:09,400
Not caravans, I hope.
393
00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:12,440
I mean, I can ask
if you'd like me to.
394
00:17:12,440 --> 00:17:13,600
I would, actually.
395
00:17:17,040 --> 00:17:19,640
"Do you like caravans?"
396
00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:24,120
I'll ask as well, just texting
Lucy One, the best Lucy.
397
00:17:24,120 --> 00:17:26,560
So when am I going to
bloody meet them?
398
00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:29,800
100 years? 1,000 years?
1,000 years.
399
00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:32,200
Boys.
PHONE DINGS
400
00:17:32,200 --> 00:17:36,040
OK. She says, "What do you mean,
caravans?"
401
00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:38,200
PHONE VIBRATES
Oh!
402
00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:39,760
"Caravans? What do you mean?"
403
00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:41,840
They've never heard of caravans?
PHONE RINGS
404
00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:45,840
Oh! Hi. No, sorry, it was just
405
00:17:45,840 --> 00:17:48,520
my stupid dad, yep.
PHONE RINGS
406
00:17:48,520 --> 00:17:51,120
Sorry, babe, my stupid,
stupid dad just wanted to know.
407
00:17:51,120 --> 00:17:54,160
Yeah, right... It's the girls!
408
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:57,040
Ooh, let me say hello to them.
Mum, get off.
409
00:17:57,040 --> 00:18:00,640
Ah, please. God, Mum! Adam. No,
Adam. Adam!
410
00:18:00,640 --> 00:18:02,960
Leave me alone! Aw, Adam!
411
00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:06,600
I know. Sorry, Luce, she's mad.
Crazy. Get off! Just go away!
412
00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:10,240
Right. But I want to speak to them.
Mum! Give me your phones!
413
00:18:10,240 --> 00:18:12,000
Give me your phones!
Get off, you lunatic!
414
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:16,000
Get in there! In there!
Wait, no, boys! Just get in there.
415
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:17,440
Horrible!
416
00:18:17,440 --> 00:18:18,680
She's insane!
417
00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:21,000
It's not fair.
418
00:18:22,800 --> 00:18:26,000
So do they like caravans?
419
00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:27,320
Sorry, Luce, she's mad.
420
00:18:27,320 --> 00:18:28,600
DOORBELL RINGS
I know, crazy.
421
00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:30,720
Yeah, see you later.
Yep, anyway, bye.
422
00:18:30,720 --> 00:18:32,360
Absolutely insane.
Absolutely insane.
423
00:18:32,360 --> 00:18:33,120
Ugh.
424
00:18:33,120 --> 00:18:34,920
Insane! Insane.
425
00:18:36,520 --> 00:18:39,560
Thank you so much for that.
Yes, thanks, Mum.
426
00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:41,720
Horrible boys.
427
00:18:41,720 --> 00:18:43,880
Hello, all. Oh, yeah, Jim's here.
428
00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:45,280
What are you bloody doing?
429
00:18:45,280 --> 00:18:50,600
Um, I've been told by the water
people that I can go back home now.
430
00:18:50,600 --> 00:18:54,280
Oh, right. Really?
There's still excrement everywhere,
431
00:18:54,280 --> 00:18:57,840
but there's not quite so much
excrement everywhere as before.
432
00:18:57,840 --> 00:19:01,440
Lovely. Ugh, what is that smell?
433
00:19:01,440 --> 00:19:03,480
Close the window, will you?
HE SIGHS
434
00:19:03,480 --> 00:19:08,960
Oh, and Martin, I noticed the loo
in your caravan was all blocked up,
435
00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:11,200
so I...
DOG WHINES
436
00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:15,080
Remain. So I, um...
437
00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:22,440
..I managed to get
the waste unit out for you.
438
00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:24,640
My God.
439
00:19:24,640 --> 00:19:27,280
Ugh! Jim! Don't leave it there!
Thanks, Jim.
440
00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:31,160
Maybe take that back outside again?
Yes, but slowly.
441
00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:35,720
Yes, course, slowly,
cos it is rather full.
442
00:19:35,720 --> 00:19:37,480
DOG BARKS
443
00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:40,960
THEY SCREAM
444
00:19:40,960 --> 00:19:43,120
Great! Now our house
is flooded with excrement.
445
00:19:43,120 --> 00:19:45,040
My lovely dining room!
446
00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:48,080
Oh, I think I'm going to be sick.
Oh, Martin, get a mop.
447
00:19:48,080 --> 00:19:52,000
What?! I'm not walking through
that...! Sea of shit? Adam!
448
00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:54,360
We'll have to go through the window.
The window? Come on.
449
00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:56,680
Oh, my God.
450
00:19:56,680 --> 00:20:01,000
No, no, Milson,
you've had your supper.
451
00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:03,120
THEY WHIMPER
452
00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:05,760
Hold me, Jackie. Never let go.
453
00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:07,640
Yes, all right, Jim.
454
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:14,120
I-I really am so sorry for spilling
all that, well, you know.
455
00:20:14,120 --> 00:20:19,880
Yes, Jim. All I can say
is that at least it's your own.
456
00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:22,440
And a little bit of mine.
457
00:20:22,440 --> 00:20:26,240
Bye, all!
HE GRUNTS
458
00:20:26,240 --> 00:20:29,200
Thanks, Jim. So what do we do now?
459
00:20:29,200 --> 00:20:31,080
Just go back in the house. Really?
460
00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:34,840
OK, we're not going
back in the house.
461
00:20:34,840 --> 00:20:36,920
HE CLEARS THROAT
462
00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:44,280
£500?
463
00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:47,600
I know it's Friday night,
but 500 quid
464
00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:48,960
to come and clean up some mess?
465
00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:50,760
Have you told them it's shit?
It's actual shit?
466
00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:54,840
Just shut up. Uh, OK, two hours.
467
00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:56,920
But please hurry.
468
00:20:56,920 --> 00:20:59,760
SHE GROANS
Terrific.
469
00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:02,320
Well, Martin, you've finally
got your dinner in your caravan.
470
00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:04,960
Are you happy now? Yes. Very. Hm.
471
00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:07,480
Actually, it's not so bad in here.
See?
472
00:21:07,480 --> 00:21:09,320
Yeah, it's all right, really.
473
00:21:09,320 --> 00:21:12,880
It was meant to be a celebration,
a family celebration.
474
00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:15,680
It is a family celebration.
475
00:21:15,680 --> 00:21:20,840
Is it? Dad? What? Your thing.
What thing?
476
00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:24,560
Oh, yeah, Jackie, look,
I got this made especially for you.
477
00:21:28,480 --> 00:21:30,720
"Martin and Jackie."
478
00:21:30,720 --> 00:21:32,240
You got that made for me?
479
00:21:32,240 --> 00:21:34,600
And if I just press
this little button...
480
00:21:34,600 --> 00:21:35,800
Careful, Dad.
481
00:21:38,440 --> 00:21:39,400
There.
482
00:21:40,880 --> 00:21:43,440
Oh, Martin.
483
00:21:43,440 --> 00:21:45,040
"Martin and Ackie."
484
00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:47,240
Oh, shut up.
485
00:21:47,240 --> 00:21:52,360
Bloody bulbs. Thanks, sweetheart.
SHE GIGGLES
486
00:21:52,360 --> 00:21:54,480
Okey dokey,
487
00:21:54,480 --> 00:21:56,560
anyone for a grotty butter sandwich,
over?
488
00:21:56,560 --> 00:21:59,520
Er, piss off, over.
489
00:21:59,520 --> 00:22:00,680
You silly sods.
490
00:22:00,680 --> 00:22:04,520
Right, let's get this
bloody thing sorted. Uh...
491
00:22:04,520 --> 00:22:08,080
THEY SCREAM
492
00:22:08,080 --> 00:22:09,080
Stop!
493
00:22:09,080 --> 00:22:11,200
CRASHING
494
00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:15,880
Oh, my God!
495
00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:17,120
SHE GASPS
496
00:22:17,120 --> 00:22:20,080
My caravan. My beautiful caravan.
497
00:22:20,080 --> 00:22:22,520
Just look at it, Jackie!
It's a wreck!
498
00:22:22,520 --> 00:22:23,800
Oh, Dad.
499
00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:25,160
Aw.
500
00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:32,720
Martin, look.
501
00:22:32,720 --> 00:22:33,960
SHE GASPS
502
00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:39,160
We can get this thing fixed,
you know.
503
00:22:39,160 --> 00:22:43,880
What? We can, we will.
We'll get it fixed, I promise.
504
00:22:43,880 --> 00:22:44,680
Really? BOTH: Really?
505
00:22:44,680 --> 00:22:47,040
SHE TUTS
Yes, darling.
506
00:22:48,520 --> 00:22:51,200
Come on, let's wait in the car.
507
00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:54,520
We'll order a pizza, yeah?
Pizza! Skill!
508
00:22:54,520 --> 00:22:56,600
Yeah, come on, then. Pizza.
509
00:22:58,440 --> 00:23:01,200
Jonny to Dad, over.
510
00:23:01,200 --> 00:23:03,800
Roger, Jonny, go ahead.
511
00:23:03,800 --> 00:23:05,080
Your caravan's on fire, over.
512
00:23:09,560 --> 00:23:12,200
Shit on it, over.
513
00:23:12,200 --> 00:23:15,480
# I change shapes
just to hide in this place
514
00:23:15,480 --> 00:23:19,960
# But I'm still, I'm still an animal
515
00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:23,000
# Nobody knows it but me when I slip
516
00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:27,000
# Yeah, I slip, I'm still an animal
517
00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:30,560
# I change shapes
just to hide in this place
518
00:23:30,560 --> 00:23:35,160
# But I'm still, I'm still an animal
519
00:23:35,160 --> 00:23:36,400
# Animal. #
520
00:23:36,400 --> 00:23:37,200
Subtitles by Red Bee Media
37663
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof