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1
00:00:14,620 --> 00:00:19,620
This programme contains
strong language.
2
00:00:36,260 --> 00:00:38,300
CAR ENGINE WHINES
3
00:00:43,300 --> 00:00:44,620
Just doesn't sound right.
4
00:00:44,660 --> 00:00:45,980
It never sounds right.
5
00:00:46,020 --> 00:00:47,260
Should it be that hot?
6
00:00:47,300 --> 00:00:49,860
Let's see. Ow!
7
00:00:49,900 --> 00:00:51,140
You dick!
8
00:00:51,180 --> 00:00:53,860
Seriously, why is it so hot?
Because it's a hot car.
9
00:00:53,900 --> 00:00:55,380
And by hot, I do mean shit.
10
00:00:55,420 --> 00:00:58,100
Maybe should I take it in.
To get crushed? Good idea.
11
00:00:58,140 --> 00:01:00,300
Well, come in, come in.
12
00:01:00,340 --> 00:01:01,940
Lovely to see you too.
13
00:01:01,980 --> 00:01:04,140
Why are you so late? Late?
We're early.
14
00:01:04,180 --> 00:01:05,940
We never come at this time.
15
00:01:05,980 --> 00:01:09,300
I told you to come at 6.30.
Why didn't you come at 6.30?
16
00:01:09,340 --> 00:01:11,900
It is 6.30. Well, why didn't
you come before 6.30?
17
00:01:11,940 --> 00:01:13,180
You knew I needed help.
18
00:01:13,220 --> 00:01:15,620
Sorry, we can call the hospital
now if you like.
19
00:01:15,660 --> 00:01:18,780
"Hello, euthanasia department".
Where does this thing go?
20
00:01:18,820 --> 00:01:21,420
Hi, Dad. I told you, on the table.
21
00:01:21,460 --> 00:01:23,020
What? The table.
22
00:01:24,060 --> 00:01:26,980
Not that table, you idiot,
the table! Which table?
23
00:01:27,020 --> 00:01:29,340
The table! Christ!
24
00:01:29,380 --> 00:01:32,260
It's going to be a lovely party,
very chilled.
25
00:01:32,300 --> 00:01:34,300
Why I agreed to organise the bloody
thing...
26
00:01:34,340 --> 00:01:37,260
Yes, why did you agree to
organise your own surprise party?
27
00:01:37,300 --> 00:01:38,620
We've been through this, OK?
28
00:01:38,660 --> 00:01:40,380
Well, it's such a normal thing
to do,
29
00:01:40,420 --> 00:01:42,700
organising your own surprise party.
Isn't it?
30
00:01:42,740 --> 00:01:43,780
Er, shut up?
31
00:01:43,820 --> 00:01:45,860
A moth just landed on my nose.
32
00:01:45,900 --> 00:01:49,500
You think I trust your father
to organise a surprise party for me?
33
00:01:49,540 --> 00:01:51,660
How about a surprise funeral?
34
00:01:51,700 --> 00:01:55,340
Look, I know you think I'm mad that
I've always wanted a surprise party.
35
00:01:55,380 --> 00:01:57,580
Mm-hmm.
But I'm having a surprise party.
36
00:01:57,620 --> 00:01:59,260
Correction - you're having a party.
37
00:01:59,300 --> 00:02:01,860
Because there's zero surprise.
Very good.
38
00:02:01,900 --> 00:02:05,500
She only wanted a surprise party
because Val had one. Rubbish!
39
00:02:05,540 --> 00:02:08,260
Yeah, Auntie Val's stupid party.
Not true.
40
00:02:08,300 --> 00:02:09,340
Can you get up, please?
41
00:02:09,380 --> 00:02:12,100
It is true, you didn't stop going on
about Val's party
42
00:02:12,140 --> 00:02:13,220
on that barge.
43
00:02:13,260 --> 00:02:17,980
Barge? Martin, it was a yacht.
Larry hired a yacht. Off!
44
00:02:18,020 --> 00:02:19,860
And what happened
after Larry hired a yacht?
45
00:02:19,900 --> 00:02:22,540
Lots of things happened.
Including a divorce, perhaps?
46
00:02:22,580 --> 00:02:25,660
And Auntie Val losing her mind.
Jonathan!
47
00:02:25,700 --> 00:02:27,180
She did not lose her mind.
48
00:02:27,220 --> 00:02:29,780
Jackie, the woman ate clay.
49
00:02:29,820 --> 00:02:32,140
Look, I don't have time for this,
all right?
50
00:02:32,180 --> 00:02:34,700
They're going to be here in...
oh, God, 40 minutes.
51
00:02:34,740 --> 00:02:37,940
Martin, the guests, the guests!
What about the guests? Jackie?
52
00:02:39,100 --> 00:02:41,660
What about the guests? The list,
can you read it, please?
53
00:02:41,700 --> 00:02:43,780
Again? It's the same
44 bloody people.
54
00:02:43,820 --> 00:02:46,980
Who else do you think's coming,
Pele? Just read it.
55
00:02:48,020 --> 00:02:49,260
Hilary and Philip.
56
00:02:49,300 --> 00:02:51,460
Hilary and Philip?
Sally and Laurence.
57
00:02:51,500 --> 00:02:55,100
Oh! Quiet Sue. Oh, God.
58
00:02:55,140 --> 00:02:58,060
Not Quiet Sue. Stop it!
She has a condition.
59
00:02:58,100 --> 00:03:00,580
Look, Jackie, it's everyone
you asked me to ask, OK?
60
00:03:00,620 --> 00:03:03,780
My mother... What? Horrible
grandma? Your mother's coming?!
61
00:03:05,300 --> 00:03:08,340
Only joking, Jackie, really! Martin!
62
00:03:08,380 --> 00:03:11,340
You think I'd ask my horrible mother
to your party?
63
00:03:11,380 --> 00:03:13,580
I know! When she hates you so much.
64
00:03:13,620 --> 00:03:15,220
Oh, thank you. Smooth.
65
00:03:15,260 --> 00:03:16,740
Oh, please, stop eating those.
66
00:03:16,780 --> 00:03:17,940
Come on, boys.
67
00:03:18,940 --> 00:03:20,180
Thirsty.
68
00:03:20,220 --> 00:03:22,460
Yes, Your Highness.
69
00:03:25,100 --> 00:03:28,380
PIPES GROAN, WATER SPLURGES
70
00:03:28,420 --> 00:03:30,020
Oh, yeah, it does that.
71
00:03:31,420 --> 00:03:34,620
Martin, please put a sign on that
bloody tap. There's an airlock.
72
00:03:34,660 --> 00:03:37,940
I know there's an airlock,
whatever that is, just do a sign.
73
00:03:37,980 --> 00:03:41,460
"Whatever that is"? Jackie, an
airlock is a massed build-up of air
74
00:03:41,500 --> 00:03:43,860
that can't physically escape.
Just do a sign.
75
00:03:43,900 --> 00:03:44,980
Yes, please do a sign.
76
00:03:45,020 --> 00:03:47,380
Right, you two are taking me out now
for a drink.
77
00:03:47,420 --> 00:03:48,980
To the bar with no atmosphere.
78
00:03:49,020 --> 00:03:51,140
Exactly, and then we come back
for the big surprise.
79
00:03:51,180 --> 00:03:53,620
The big surprise which isn't
even a little surprise.
80
00:03:53,660 --> 00:03:56,420
And Martin, all the guests,
they definitely know the time,
81
00:03:56,460 --> 00:03:57,700
the details, everything?
82
00:03:57,740 --> 00:03:59,820
3am, Buckingham Palace,
bring a dead dog.
83
00:03:59,860 --> 00:04:03,780
Perfect. Oh, my scarf.
And be nice to Val, yeah?
84
00:04:03,820 --> 00:04:06,140
She's had a horrid time.
85
00:04:06,180 --> 00:04:07,580
I'll see
if I can find her some clay.
86
00:04:07,620 --> 00:04:09,100
Right.
87
00:04:09,140 --> 00:04:13,300
Oh, Jim! Hello, Jackie,
I'm just about to ring...
88
00:04:13,340 --> 00:04:15,580
is it someone's birthday?
89
00:04:15,620 --> 00:04:17,940
AT SAME TIME: Er, no. It's Jackie's.
90
00:04:17,980 --> 00:04:19,540
Jackie! I had no idea.
91
00:04:19,580 --> 00:04:22,140
Happy birthday, Jackie!
92
00:04:22,180 --> 00:04:25,820
Thanks, Jim. Did you want something?
We sort of have to... Yes.
93
00:04:25,860 --> 00:04:29,660
The reason I'm here is because you
were out when the post lady came.
94
00:04:29,700 --> 00:04:33,780
So she gave me a package
to give to you.
95
00:04:33,820 --> 00:04:37,140
Did she? And when I opened it...
You opened my package?
96
00:04:37,180 --> 00:04:40,740
..it was a book all about
the menopause.
97
00:04:40,780 --> 00:04:42,940
OK!
98
00:04:42,980 --> 00:04:44,300
Very interesting.
99
00:04:44,340 --> 00:04:48,580
The diagrams were particularly
helpful.
100
00:04:48,620 --> 00:04:50,860
Thanks, Jim. Come on, boys.
101
00:04:54,020 --> 00:04:55,980
I read it nine times!
102
00:04:57,060 --> 00:04:58,500
Uterus!
103
00:05:08,380 --> 00:05:10,580
Literally the hottest car
in the world.
104
00:05:10,620 --> 00:05:13,220
Why is it so bloody hot?
105
00:05:13,260 --> 00:05:15,180
Ow!!
106
00:05:15,220 --> 00:05:18,660
Stop bloody doing that!
107
00:05:18,700 --> 00:05:21,340
Boys! Seriously.
108
00:05:21,380 --> 00:05:24,900
Boys, I was right to do a finger
buffet for the party, wasn't I?
109
00:05:24,940 --> 00:05:27,020
Oh, my God. The entire journey,
110
00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:29,100
talking about a frigging
finger buffet.
111
00:05:29,140 --> 00:05:30,140
MOBILE CHIMES
112
00:05:30,180 --> 00:05:32,300
Oh. Dad.
113
00:05:32,340 --> 00:05:34,580
Well? Has he blown the house up yet?
114
00:05:34,620 --> 00:05:36,740
He says he can't find
the mini forks.
115
00:05:36,780 --> 00:05:39,780
Oh, my God. He can't find the mini
forks, he can't find the mini forks!
116
00:05:39,820 --> 00:05:41,220
All right, calm down.
117
00:05:41,260 --> 00:05:42,540
Calm down? You tell me
118
00:05:42,580 --> 00:05:45,980
how my friends are going to eat
corn on the cobs without mini forks.
119
00:05:46,020 --> 00:05:48,540
Er, maybe with normal-sized forks?
120
00:05:48,580 --> 00:05:50,220
Oh!
121
00:05:54,300 --> 00:05:57,140
No atmosphere. No atmosphere. Shh.
122
00:05:57,180 --> 00:05:58,940
It's like a morgue in here.
123
00:05:58,980 --> 00:06:01,940
It's not like a morgue in here.
It's lovely.
124
00:06:01,980 --> 00:06:04,220
MAN COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS LOUDLY
125
00:06:04,260 --> 00:06:06,780
Actually, it is like a morgue
in here.
126
00:06:08,540 --> 00:06:11,380
Did you have to bring that grotty
thing in here?
127
00:06:11,420 --> 00:06:13,180
Jim's bedtime reading.
128
00:06:13,220 --> 00:06:16,460
Please put it away.
He's coloured bits in!
129
00:06:16,500 --> 00:06:18,580
Hello.
130
00:06:18,620 --> 00:06:20,620
Hi. Can I get you any drinks?
131
00:06:20,660 --> 00:06:22,820
Thanks, yeah. Glass of white wine,
please.
132
00:06:22,860 --> 00:06:26,340
And... Beer. Beer. Two lemonades.
Hmm.
133
00:06:26,380 --> 00:06:29,380
Oh, yes, I'm nine and he's seven.
Correct.
134
00:06:29,420 --> 00:06:32,980
So, the book. What about the book?
135
00:06:34,620 --> 00:06:35,860
OK.
136
00:06:35,900 --> 00:06:37,460
One of my friends,
and I won't say who
137
00:06:37,500 --> 00:06:40,620
because she's very touchy
about it... Auntie Val. Obviously.
138
00:06:40,660 --> 00:06:42,780
No. It is Auntie Val, though,
isn't it?
139
00:06:42,820 --> 00:06:45,860
One of my friends... First name Val.
Shut up.
140
00:06:45,900 --> 00:06:48,980
..might be going through
the menopause.
141
00:06:49,020 --> 00:06:51,340
Oh, you said the word.
142
00:06:51,380 --> 00:06:53,860
Well, it's hard being a woman,
you know,
143
00:06:53,900 --> 00:06:56,420
and going through all those changes.
144
00:06:56,460 --> 00:06:58,300
We don't need to talk about it
any more.
145
00:06:58,340 --> 00:07:00,540
Suddenly, sex isn't as exciting
as it once was...
146
00:07:00,580 --> 00:07:05,380
Please! Whereas something like
a party is, because it's so...
147
00:07:05,420 --> 00:07:07,100
Don't say surprising.
148
00:07:07,140 --> 00:07:08,820
Right, I'm going for a wee.
149
00:07:08,860 --> 00:07:09,940
Ow!
150
00:07:11,380 --> 00:07:13,460
Please put that book away.
151
00:07:15,380 --> 00:07:19,060
God, a whole night with 40 of Mum's
non-annoying friends.
152
00:07:19,100 --> 00:07:20,940
MOBILE CHIMES
153
00:07:20,980 --> 00:07:22,020
Dad.
154
00:07:22,060 --> 00:07:23,860
Has he found the mini forks?
155
00:07:23,900 --> 00:07:28,100
Oh, my God. What? He told them
the wrong day. What?!
156
00:07:28,140 --> 00:07:30,780
Dad told everyone Mum's party
was next Friday.
157
00:07:32,260 --> 00:07:34,620
Shit! He told them
it was next Friday?
158
00:07:34,660 --> 00:07:36,980
Maybe read the next bit.
159
00:07:37,020 --> 00:07:39,060
"I've bloody got to get
her bloody friends
160
00:07:39,100 --> 00:07:40,780
"to the shitting house right now."
161
00:07:40,820 --> 00:07:43,780
He's still going through with it?
He's still going through with it.
162
00:07:43,820 --> 00:07:46,420
"Don't tell your shitting mother.
Stall her."
163
00:07:46,460 --> 00:07:48,660
Stall her?
How are we going to stall her?
164
00:07:48,700 --> 00:07:50,660
How many people is he going to get
now?
165
00:07:50,700 --> 00:07:52,700
I know.
166
00:07:52,740 --> 00:07:54,780
Good idea. We kill ourselves.
167
00:07:54,820 --> 00:07:58,100
I'll go out to your car and slash
your tyres. Slash my tyres?
168
00:07:58,140 --> 00:08:00,380
If we get a flat tyre,
it'll take us ages to fix it
169
00:08:00,420 --> 00:08:02,340
because we're not, like,
proper men, are we?
170
00:08:02,380 --> 00:08:03,620
You're not slashing my tyres.
171
00:08:03,660 --> 00:08:05,940
Adam, what else are we going to do?
172
00:08:05,980 --> 00:08:08,420
Jonny? Jonny!
173
00:08:10,260 --> 00:08:13,740
Er, I don't think I need
to slash your tyres. What?
174
00:08:18,740 --> 00:08:19,980
Surprise?
175
00:08:33,500 --> 00:08:34,980
Thanks very much.
176
00:08:36,460 --> 00:08:38,380
We are so late!
177
00:08:41,620 --> 00:08:43,140
My lovely, terrible car.
178
00:08:43,180 --> 00:08:46,060
I'm so sorry, Bobble.
179
00:08:46,100 --> 00:08:49,220
Right, can't keep everyone waiting.
180
00:08:49,260 --> 00:08:50,900
Everyone? No-one.
181
00:08:50,940 --> 00:08:51,940
MOBILE CHIRPS
182
00:08:54,100 --> 00:08:55,900
Dad.
183
00:08:55,940 --> 00:08:58,820
"Pretend it's a wonderful party".
184
00:08:58,860 --> 00:09:01,140
This is going to be...not good.
185
00:09:01,180 --> 00:09:04,780
Very not good. Come on!
186
00:09:04,820 --> 00:09:06,180
Wait.
187
00:09:06,220 --> 00:09:08,820
SHE WHOOPS
188
00:09:08,860 --> 00:09:09,860
Ready.
189
00:09:17,060 --> 00:09:19,580
ALL: Happy birthday, Jackie!
190
00:09:21,060 --> 00:09:23,980
Happy birthday, Jackie.
191
00:09:24,020 --> 00:09:28,860
Well? I...I can't believe it!
192
00:09:28,900 --> 00:09:32,620
Happy birthday, love. Thanks, Val.
193
00:09:32,660 --> 00:09:35,100
Happy surprise birthday, Jackie.
194
00:09:35,140 --> 00:09:37,380
Er, thank you, Jim.
195
00:09:37,420 --> 00:09:40,140
Well, this is...
196
00:09:40,180 --> 00:09:45,060
Martin, did you organise
all this? Course I did.
197
00:09:45,100 --> 00:09:48,660
You invited all these people? Yep.
198
00:09:48,700 --> 00:09:52,500
Hilary and Philip.
Sorry, Philip couldn't come. Sue.
199
00:09:52,540 --> 00:09:53,780
Hi, Jackie.
200
00:09:53,820 --> 00:09:56,700
Sorry, Sue.
201
00:09:56,740 --> 00:10:00,620
And this is... Sarah. Sarah.
202
00:10:00,660 --> 00:10:04,060
Sarah, who did the curtains.
The curtains?
203
00:10:04,100 --> 00:10:06,580
Oh! Sarah who did the curtains.
204
00:10:07,980 --> 00:10:09,780
Isn't it great, Mum? Yeah.
205
00:10:09,820 --> 00:10:11,180
Come through, love.
206
00:10:11,220 --> 00:10:13,100
Of course, come through.
207
00:10:13,140 --> 00:10:15,940
Yes, more people, exciting!
208
00:10:15,980 --> 00:10:18,660
And here's my mother!
209
00:10:18,700 --> 00:10:22,460
How the bloody hell
am I supposed to eat this?
210
00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:27,520
What is going on?
Yes, what is going on?
211
00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:30,040
Jackie, only the most wonderful
party you've ever...
212
00:10:30,080 --> 00:10:33,560
Martin. Where is everyone?
Where are all my friends?
213
00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:36,000
They're out there enjoying your
wonderful party.
214
00:10:36,040 --> 00:10:39,400
Please stop saying that!
Martin, we invited...
215
00:10:41,440 --> 00:10:44,160
You invited 44 people.
216
00:10:44,200 --> 00:10:47,400
There's six people out there,
including a woman I don't even know.
217
00:10:47,440 --> 00:10:49,960
What are you talking about?
That's Sarah who did the curtains.
218
00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:54,120
You remember Sarah who did the
curtains. Sarah who did the curtains
did the curtains five years ago.
219
00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:58,200
Yes. And didn't she do
a wonderful job? Oh, my God.
220
00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:01,080
This food tastes like horse manure.
221
00:11:05,280 --> 00:11:07,440
Why is your horrible, horrible
mother here?
222
00:11:07,480 --> 00:11:09,720
I thought it would be nice.
You know, family.
223
00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:12,400
Just to say, it really is
a brilliant party.
224
00:11:12,440 --> 00:11:15,400
Yeah. People are having so much fun.
Are you joking?
225
00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:17,960
I was just chatting to Quiet Sue
and she saying, you know...
226
00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:20,840
I couldn't make out what she was
saying. She was definitely smiling.
227
00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:24,480
I saw her smile. See? They're
probably just running a bit late,
228
00:11:24,520 --> 00:11:25,720
you know what people are like.
229
00:11:25,760 --> 00:11:27,760
They're not people, Martin,
they're my friends.
230
00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:30,720
If friends care that much about me
on my birthday...
231
00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:32,320
You're not going to call them,
are you?
232
00:11:32,360 --> 00:11:35,560
No, I'm going to delete them
from my phone. Good. What?
233
00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:37,760
Sorry, Jackie, just came to give you
234
00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:41,640
your special SURPRISE
birthday present.
235
00:11:41,680 --> 00:11:43,480
Thanks, Jim, but... Jackie.
236
00:11:47,400 --> 00:11:48,760
Oh, erm...
237
00:11:49,880 --> 00:11:53,360
A nightie. It was my mother's.
She lived in it.
238
00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:56,720
Right. And died in it. Great.
239
00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:58,360
Well, um...
240
00:11:58,400 --> 00:12:01,600
Lovely, Jim. Thank you.
241
00:12:01,640 --> 00:12:03,400
Come on, Wilson.
242
00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:05,440
HE MUTTERS
243
00:12:07,240 --> 00:12:09,240
Wilson's outside.
244
00:12:15,520 --> 00:12:18,280
Wonderful party, Jackie.
JACKIE SOBS
245
00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:24,000
You better tell her what happened
or I swear I will...
246
00:12:24,040 --> 00:12:26,240
Grrr.
247
00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:28,160
Jackie! Jackie!
248
00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:30,920
She means your balls.
249
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:33,440
Sarah who did the curtains?
250
00:12:33,480 --> 00:12:35,680
Everyone else was busy tonight,
weren't they?
251
00:12:35,720 --> 00:12:38,480
Yes. Because you told them the wrong
date. Because you're a moron.
252
00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:40,040
You have to tell Mum what happened.
253
00:12:40,080 --> 00:12:42,320
Tell Mum and have my head
shoved up my bottom hole?
254
00:12:42,360 --> 00:12:44,800
But Dad... No.
255
00:12:44,840 --> 00:12:48,280
I know! Neighbours. Shh!
Yes, neighbours.
256
00:12:48,320 --> 00:12:50,640
We know about four neighbours,
and they all hate us.
257
00:12:50,680 --> 00:12:54,360
Just find some bloody neighbours for
your mother's bloody party. Dad!
258
00:12:55,880 --> 00:12:58,040
Dad! Dad!
259
00:12:58,080 --> 00:13:00,920
Great. Good boy. There we are.
260
00:13:03,360 --> 00:13:05,560
Wilson's just having his cola.
261
00:13:10,640 --> 00:13:11,880
This is normal.
262
00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:15,040
Begging complete strangers to
come to your own mother's party.
263
00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:20,800
DOORBELL RINGS
Last one. Last victim.
264
00:13:22,520 --> 00:13:24,080
Good evening.
265
00:13:24,120 --> 00:13:26,240
Our parents live just down the road
266
00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:28,560
and our mum is having a party
tonight.
267
00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:30,080
Chicken?
268
00:13:31,120 --> 00:13:34,320
I'm sorry. What? The food.
Is there going to be chicken there?
269
00:13:35,360 --> 00:13:37,640
Erm, yes. Yes, there's chicken.
270
00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:41,160
All right, then.
271
00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:45,280
Where's the house?
272
00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:47,280
Over there. Right.
273
00:13:50,080 --> 00:13:52,680
Come on then.
He really wants his chicken.
274
00:13:55,760 --> 00:13:57,560
Chicken? Yes.
275
00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:02,280
Chicken? Yes, all right.
276
00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:10,400
You've been ages. Thanks for
making us do that.
277
00:14:10,440 --> 00:14:13,080
What? Is that all you've got?
One bloody man?
278
00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:15,120
Is this the chicken place? What?
279
00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:20,960
Perfect guest
for the perfect party.
280
00:14:22,080 --> 00:14:23,880
How is the party? Shit.
281
00:14:23,920 --> 00:14:26,200
I've spent most of it
hiding from your mother.
282
00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:28,720
So just a normal evening for you
then. Shut your gob.
283
00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:31,360
You better have something special
to give Mum after all this.
284
00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:33,720
Like a divorce. You talking about
my divorce? What?
285
00:14:33,760 --> 00:14:36,320
Hello, Val.
I've been looking for you, Martin.
286
00:14:36,360 --> 00:14:39,160
Have you? I cannot believe you
haven't spoken to her yet.
287
00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:42,200
Pardon, Valerie? You do know
she's lying on her bed,
288
00:14:42,240 --> 00:14:43,960
sobbing her eyes out.
289
00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:46,360
Oh, she's probably just very tired.
290
00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:49,520
God, OK. And Martin...
291
00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:53,600
Ngh! My balls. Your balls.
292
00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:58,600
I just really need
to rethink my whole life.
293
00:14:58,640 --> 00:15:01,440
All my friends, everything.
294
00:15:01,480 --> 00:15:05,760
It's not that bad, Mum.
Yeah, Mum. It is, boys, it is.
295
00:15:09,040 --> 00:15:11,560
People are loving
their corn on the cobs.
296
00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:16,200
If any of this is your fault,
if you made a mistake,
297
00:15:16,240 --> 00:15:19,600
I won't be angry, really. Thanks.
298
00:15:21,280 --> 00:15:23,160
Did you make a mistake?
299
00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:26,360
No, I... You swear? I swear.
300
00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:28,400
On our sons' lives?
301
00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:33,720
On our sons' lives.
302
00:15:33,760 --> 00:15:36,960
I'm sorry, Martin. I knew
you wouldn't let me down.
303
00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:42,040
There, there, love. Come on,
let's go back down to your party.
304
00:15:42,080 --> 00:15:44,280
Yeah. My party.
305
00:15:46,720 --> 00:15:48,680
You got any more chicken?
306
00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:54,600
That's it, Jackie. That's it.
Martin, it's not my 90th birthday.
307
00:15:54,640 --> 00:15:56,960
Hello again, everyone.
308
00:15:57,000 --> 00:16:00,920
Jackie's back. Hooray for Jackie.
MANY: Hooray.
309
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:03,200
LACKLUSTRE TOOT
310
00:16:03,240 --> 00:16:05,240
How are you feeling now, love?
311
00:16:05,280 --> 00:16:08,440
Better. Thanks. Sorry, everyone.
312
00:16:08,480 --> 00:16:12,040
Did he tell her? Right, everyone.
313
00:16:12,080 --> 00:16:14,320
Martin has something
very important to say.
314
00:16:14,360 --> 00:16:17,000
What? Has he? Go on, Martin.
Say it.
315
00:16:17,040 --> 00:16:20,160
Go on, Dad. Go on.
316
00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:22,000
Martin?
317
00:16:23,280 --> 00:16:25,160
Yes, well.
318
00:16:26,680 --> 00:16:30,480
I just want to say,
if you didn't know already...
319
00:16:32,440 --> 00:16:35,000
..an airlock is basically a mass
build up of air
320
00:16:35,040 --> 00:16:36,800
that can't physically escape.
321
00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:40,040
Martin told everyone the party
was next week. Not tonight.
322
00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:42,560
That's why there's no-one here.
323
00:16:42,600 --> 00:16:45,960
What? Uh-oh. You got the date wrong.
Yes.
324
00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:48,160
That's why all these weirdos
are here -
325
00:16:48,200 --> 00:16:50,160
Lisa who did the bloody curtains.
326
00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:52,600
It's Sarah. Martin, is this true?
327
00:16:52,640 --> 00:16:55,280
I'm sorry, Jackie.
328
00:16:55,320 --> 00:16:57,120
You mean you lied to me?
329
00:16:57,160 --> 00:17:01,840
Pardon? Martin. You bloody lied
to me. All right. Yes.
330
00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:03,560
I lied to you, I lied to you.
331
00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:05,800
But it's not my fault.
Not your fault?
332
00:17:05,840 --> 00:17:09,160
There was so much to bloody
remember, wasn't there?
333
00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:14,120
Telling everyone about your party
but not telling everyone you already
knew about your party.
334
00:17:14,160 --> 00:17:16,760
I'm sorry? I shouldn't have said
that bit.
335
00:17:16,800 --> 00:17:18,960
You already knew about your party?
336
00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:20,480
What?
337
00:17:20,520 --> 00:17:23,360
You mean we rushed here tonight
like bloody lunatics
338
00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:24,680
to give you a surprise,
339
00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:28,200
and all along you knew everything?
Everything?
340
00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:30,200
SUE WHISPERS
341
00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:32,240
You really need to
speak louder, Sue.
342
00:17:32,280 --> 00:17:34,680
How can you do this
to your friends?
343
00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:37,680
Because she's a pig, Valerie.
Thank you.
344
00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:41,640
How can you do this to me
when you know how I feel about
surprise parties?
345
00:17:41,680 --> 00:17:44,960
Val... After everything that
happened at my surprise party
346
00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:46,280
on that fucking yacht!
347
00:17:49,120 --> 00:17:52,760
Val... Val. Valerie!
348
00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:54,040
I think it's best if I go.
349
00:17:54,080 --> 00:17:57,240
Val. You know I didn't mean
to upset you.
350
00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:03,440
The menopause? So now
everyone knows, do they? Erm...
351
00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:14,840
These crunchy bananas are delicious.
352
00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:23,000
So embarrassing. So embarrassing.
353
00:18:23,040 --> 00:18:25,960
Come on now, Jackie,
it was not embarrassing.
354
00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:27,880
BOTH: It was embarrassing.
355
00:18:27,920 --> 00:18:31,120
OK, I'm sorry. All right?
How many bleeding times do I have to
say I'm sorry?
356
00:18:31,160 --> 00:18:33,080
100 million.
357
00:18:33,120 --> 00:18:35,720
Look, the main thing is we're
here now in a lovely restaurant
358
00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:38,480
and soon we'll have our lovely food
and our lovely duck.
359
00:18:38,520 --> 00:18:41,640
I didn't want lovely duck.
I wanted a lovely surprise party.
360
00:18:41,680 --> 00:18:46,200
And you had a lovely surprise party.
Er...Val walking out like that?
361
00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:50,000
Then all the others? Not all the
others. My mother didn't leave.
362
00:18:50,040 --> 00:18:52,440
Yes, I know, she's still in
our bloody house.
363
00:18:52,480 --> 00:18:54,840
What time did we order
the drone strike?
364
00:18:54,880 --> 00:18:58,600
Crispy duck and pancakes. Lovely.
PHONE RINGS
365
00:18:58,640 --> 00:19:00,520
Dad. Your phone. What?
366
00:19:04,040 --> 00:19:07,800
Oh, my bloody mother.
Here, you talk to her. Me?
367
00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:14,560
Hello, Grandma. Have some duck,
Jackie. I don't want duck.
368
00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:17,800
If you could maybe be a bit ruder.
Just hang up.
369
00:19:17,840 --> 00:19:19,520
Really? Where? What?
370
00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:23,840
The kitchen's flooded. Flooded?
What? Badly? Badly.
371
00:19:23,880 --> 00:19:26,760
Oh, the pissing airlock.
Right, come on.
372
00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:29,600
Now? What about my duck?
Shit on the duck.
373
00:19:29,640 --> 00:19:32,320
The kitchen's full of sodding water.
Can we have the bill, please?
374
00:19:32,360 --> 00:19:37,440
Bloody hell. Oh, hold on.
I know what you're doing.
375
00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:42,440
What? Come on! Taking me out the
house, your stupid mother phoning,
376
00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:45,040
there's a leak in the kitchen.
377
00:19:45,080 --> 00:19:46,800
What are you talking about?
378
00:19:46,840 --> 00:19:50,960
You threw me a terrible surprise
party on purpose, didn't you? Eh?
379
00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:54,600
Now we're going back home
and all my friends will be there
380
00:19:54,640 --> 00:19:57,120
because
that's the real surprise party.
381
00:19:57,160 --> 00:19:59,160
No, Jackie, it really isn't.
382
00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:02,000
Yes, it is. It really isn't.
383
00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:05,200
You made me a surprise party.
You made me a surprise party.
384
00:20:05,240 --> 00:20:08,040
Jackie. I haven't made you
a surprise party.
385
00:20:08,080 --> 00:20:13,720
Tickle-wickle! Jackie. Thanks.
Tickle-wickle! Jackie.
386
00:20:13,760 --> 00:20:15,480
Tickle-wickle! Jackie!
387
00:20:17,320 --> 00:20:20,920
So exciting!
Jackie, there isn't a bloody party,
there's a bloody flood.
388
00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:26,400
Gah. Please don't cost me
thousands of pounds.
389
00:20:26,440 --> 00:20:28,960
Please don't cost me
thousands of pounds.
390
00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:31,040
So exciting. Tickle-wickle!
391
00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:34,120
Stop bloody doing that. Mum,
there isn't a surprise party.
392
00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:37,080
For Christ's sake!
393
00:20:37,120 --> 00:20:41,520
I just want to say you're all very
clever and I love you all so much.
394
00:20:41,560 --> 00:20:43,680
Very good. Keys.
395
00:20:43,720 --> 00:20:46,000
SQUEALS
Ready.
396
00:20:50,520 --> 00:20:52,800
Quick! Christ.
397
00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:00,440
Oh, God!
398
00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:05,000
Jackie, fetch the shitting bucket!
399
00:21:14,120 --> 00:21:16,480
That was fun. Loads of fun.
400
00:21:18,080 --> 00:21:20,080
I think I've got bloody trench foot.
401
00:21:26,120 --> 00:21:28,960
Jackie. I don't want to talk
about it any more, OK.
402
00:21:29,000 --> 00:21:31,080
Jackie. No.
403
00:21:31,120 --> 00:21:35,160
It's just been the most awful
evening ever. Just awful.
404
00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:38,400
I'm too tired to go home
so I'll be staying here tonight.
405
00:21:38,440 --> 00:21:40,240
JACKIE GROANS
406
00:21:40,280 --> 00:21:43,240
Have you got something for me
to sleep in? A coffin.
407
00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:45,280
I'll go and find you something.
408
00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:49,840
Actually, hold on a moment.
409
00:21:52,400 --> 00:21:56,440
All that horrible food
has given me terrible diarrhoea.
410
00:21:57,640 --> 00:21:59,600
Here we are. What's this?
411
00:22:03,480 --> 00:22:08,400
Ah, a nightie. Thank you,
Jacqueline. My pleasure, Cynthia.
412
00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:15,040
Nice one, Mum. Yeah.
Good old Jackie.
413
00:22:15,080 --> 00:22:16,480
Aw, thanks.
414
00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:20,120
I'm sorry I ruined your
surprise party.
415
00:22:20,160 --> 00:22:22,440
Which wasn't a surprise party.
Wasn't a surprise party.
416
00:22:22,480 --> 00:22:26,800
Well, who wants a stupid surprise
party anyway? Exactly.
417
00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:29,240
Go on, why don't you run yourself
a nice hot bath.
418
00:22:29,280 --> 00:22:33,160
I'll bring you up a cuppa, yeah?
Martin, that sounds really lovely.
419
00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:34,880
Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle.
420
00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:40,360
But be careful - all your friends
are hiding in the bathroom.
421
00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:42,240
Surprise! Piss off!
422
00:22:50,400 --> 00:22:52,400
Beautiful chicken.
423
00:22:52,440 --> 00:22:54,520
# I change shapes just to hide
in this place
424
00:22:54,560 --> 00:22:58,720
# But I'm still, I'm still an animal
425
00:22:59,880 --> 00:23:02,800
# Nobody knows it but me when I slip
426
00:23:02,840 --> 00:23:07,000
# Yeah, I slip I'm still an animal
427
00:23:07,040 --> 00:23:10,360
# I change shapes just to hide
in this place
428
00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:13,760
# But I'm still,
I'm still an animal. #
429
00:23:13,800 --> 00:23:16,040
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