Original subtitles

[♪ theme music playing]

[seat belts click]

Thank God, I can breathe again!

-It's not that bad. -You sure you were playing football,

and not just lying in a pool of your own BO?

-Mm, lovely! -[groans]

[chuckles]

What?

-[Jonny] What? -What?

-No way. -[Jonny] No way.

No way!

-Dad! -Hello, bambinos.

-[Jonny] Is this for real? -Is what for real?

-Uh... The "For Sale" sign! -Is the "For Sale" sign for real?

-Yes! -Well, it exists.

-Right. -No way!

-No way! -No way!

There is no way you are selling this house! Oh.

-Hello. -Uh...

I do beg your pardon, Paul and Melissa.

This is Adam and Jonny.

-Hi. -Hello.

Our sons. Boys, would you mind taking your shoes off, please?

We were just saying what a lovely house your parents have.

[Paul] Yeah, really lovely.

Well, thanks for showing us around.

No, thank you for coming.

[Melissa] Not at all.

-So, do they want to buy the house? -Martin!

Has she told you about the bodies in the basement yet?

[laughs]

-Uh... -Uh... Well, thanks again, then.

-Good night. -Good night.

-Good night. -Bodies everywhere!

-Really! -The woman smelt of pencils.

-[both] I can't believe-- -Shh!

[both] I can't believe you're selling the house.

-Without telling us! -Boys--

[both shouting]

[Jackie] Boys!

-We are not selling the house. -What?

-Aren't we? -No!

So?

We're not selling, we're just seeing.

-Seeing? -Seeing?

Yes, we're just seeing if anyone might be interested in one day, maybe,

thinking of buying the house.

[Adam] Right.

I thought we were selling the house.

Martin, we've been through this.

Oh, yes, we're definitely not selling the house.

Definitely not at all.

-Well, you've convinced me! -You do know I'm an estate agent?

-Hmm. -A terrible, terrible estate agent.

[screams]

Jonny, can you go and have a shower, please?

So, I do know when people put a "For Sale" sign outside their house,

and other people come to see inside their house,

it usually means they're selling their house.

-Jonny-- -So, why didn't you ask me to help?

I think I can answer that one. Because you're shit at your job.

[screams]

No, boys! Oh!

[Adam] I've got crisps in my eyes!

We were going to ask you, honestly, we were,

but we thought you'd get really upset.

-So, you are selling the house! -Yeah!

Oh, all right. We're just having a little look around.

God, what's so wrong with that?

-Aren't we allowed to have a life? -[both] No!

We can't be expected to stay here forever.

-Why not? -Because we've been here 28 bloody years.

Do you know how long 28 bloody years is?

I do. 10,220 bloody days.

-[Jackie sighs] -Oh.

So?

So, maybe now's the time for your father and me to think about,

you know, moving somewhere maybe a little smaller.

-Smaller? -What about us?

You don't live here, remember, you only come on Friday nights.

Thank God.

-But it's the family home. -Yeah, Mum, the family home.

-You can't sell the family home. -The family home!

-Boys... -Don't be so sentimental,

it's just a building with walls and doors in it.

What do you mean, "It's just a building with walls and doors in it"?

All right, and windows.

-Is that all it means to you? -What?

Doesn't this house mean anything to you?

-I suppose it keeps me dry. -That'll be the roof.

Well, they do say the roof is the most important bit.

Look, if it makes you any happier, no one's made us an offer, okay?

[both] An offer!

I said, "No one's made an offer". No one's made an offer on the house.

Now, can we all just have a nice Friday night dinner?

-The Last Supper, you mean. -Adam!

-Yeah, the Last Supper. -That's a shocking thing to say!

-Tell them, Martin. -What?

The Last Supper!

Oh, yes. Um... I think we had lamb and potatoes.

-Spanner. -I just can't believe you and Mum.

-Spanner. -You do know I was born here?

-Don't you even care? -Spanner.

-Is this a spanner? -Does it look like a spanner?

It's spanner-ish.

-That's a wrench, you simpleton. -Yeah, simpleton.

Spanner.

-What are you even doing? -[Martin sighs]

If it's something boring, you don't need to tell us.

Tightening the fan belt.

-You don't need to tell us. -There. All done.

I don't know why I did that.

Dinner!

-Ooh, squirrel! -Dad?

What?

[sighs] You know what your mum's like when she gets a new idea in her skull.

-Meaning? -Meaning, it's just one of her silly fads.

Last week it was needlepoint. This week, selling the house.

You think?

Well, she's probably bored of the idea already.

I mean, have you ever seen any of your mum's needlepoint?

Uh... No.

That's because she didn't buy any bloody needles.

Jonny, can you have your shower now, please?

Now, really?

Jackie, the boy doesn't need a shower.

-Uh... He definitely does. -[groans]

Can't he just do his bits in the sink?

Mum, I'll have one after dinner, I'm starving.

-After dinner will be too late. -[Jonny] Too late for what?

[sniffs] We'll all be dead from the fumes?

Too late for what?

Okay, someone else is coming to look at the house.

[both] Someone else?

-Calm down! -But, Dad, you said--

Sorry, I thought it was, you know, another needlepoint scenario.

-[sighs] -[both] Mum!

Just to let you know, we will be doing everything in our power

-to stop you selling this place. -Very good.

-Starting with this. -Jonny!

-Followed by this. -In that shower!

God!

[Jonny shrieks]

Bad luck, Pissface.

[Jackie and Adam gasp]

-Bad luck, Pusface! -[Adam] Beetroot!

-Jonny! -[Jackie] Jonathan!

Oh, my God, beetroot's on the carpet! Blot it, Adam. Blot it!

-Blot it? -Blot it!

[moans]

-Martin! A cloth, quickly! -How do I know how to blot it?

-[Jackie] Beetroot on the carpet! -[Martin] What?

-[Jackie] The boys got beetroot... -Wait.

-...on the bloody carpet! -[chuckles] So dead.

Adam!

Martin, blot.

Hmm?

[Adam] I'm a genius.

-[knocking on door] -One moment!

[Jonny] What are you doing in there?

[Adam] Coming!

[Jonny] Pusface?

[toilet flushes]

All right?

What's wrong with the loo downstairs?

Hmm?

[lock clicks]

[shower runs]

Five seconds?

[Jonny] Huh? What? Oh, my God!

Scrub-a-dub-dub!

[Jonny] What is happening? What is happening?

Why is it all red? Why is it all red?

[whimpers]

But how did the beetroot end up in the shower head?

All over Jonny, all over the walls, all over the carpet.

I'm telling you, I'm not doing any more bloody blotting tonight.

-Yeah, it's a real mystery. -Just eat your bloody dinner.

The Last Supper.

Will you please stop saying that?

To think, I was born in this house.

-I was probably conceived here. -Ugh, Adam, I'm eating!

What do you mean, "Ugh, I'm eating"?

Well, I really don't want to think about you and Dad

doing your conceiving business in this house.

Not while I'm also in this house.

Who said your brother was conceived in this house?

Sorry?

Maybe he was conceived somewhere else.

Was he?

If it wasn't in the house, where was it?

-The car. -[laughs]

The car?

-That's where you were formed. -"Formed"!

Your mother's egg, my spermatozoa.

-Dad! -All right, Martin.

What were you doing, doing it in Dad's car?

I don't know, we were young, weren't we, and--

-Randy. -[Jackie and Martin laughing]

What's the matter, Pusface? Don't you want to know

where you were "formed"?

All right then, where was Pissface "formed"?

-I really don't wanna know. -I do!

I don't remember. Martin, where was it?

-The cemetery? -[laughs]

The cemetery?

I'm only joking, you berk! [laughs]

I can't remember where it was either.

-Shame. -Who cares where we did it?

"Did it"?

The main thing is, you're here now, you're alive.

-Yeah. -And wishing we'd never been born.

Oh, don't be so ungrateful! You two had a wonderful childhood.

In this house, which you're now flogging.

-Yeah, flogging. -We are not flogging the house!

-Whatever. -Yeah, whatever.

Boys!

Oh! Are we having an argument?

Are we not talking? Great! Then I'm going to get that thing.

-Really? -What thing?

-Oh, this bloody thingy. -Lads, remember this?

-[Adam] What is it? -You don't remember?

It's not something from the inside of the toilet, is it?

[laughs] No!

I found it in the shed last night.

-It's the conversation spindle. -The what?

You remember, when you were little,

if you'd had an argument, or you weren't speaking--

Like every five seconds.

I made this for you, the conversation spindle.

-Which is... -First, give the thing a spin.

And it lands on a number from one to ten. Four.

And then four is... "Bridges."

So, then we have a conversation about bridges.

Bridges?

Or if it lands on a different number, there's, uh...

Oh! "My family, capital cities, horses..."

-Fascinating subjects! -Go on, Adam. You have a spin.

Okay. [sighs]

-Number six! -Number six.

-"The future of space travel." -"The future of space travel"?

So, now you talk about the future of space travel.

Seriously?

[Martin] All right, I'll help you.

Adam, what do you think...

is the future of space travel?

I've no idea!

I know that. We're just having a conversation.

Okay.

The future of space travel. Uh...

We'll all be living on the Moon.

Rubbish!

All right, I was only--

How are you going to fly seven billion bloody people,

even more if it's in the future, to the bloody Moon?

-Martin! -Idiot!

Oh, I remember this game now.

And what about all the stuff you'd have to bring up there?

-Honestly? -The food, the building material.

Where are we going to get bleeding water from?

-All right, Dad! -Living on the Moon!

Right, you need to get that head of yours

out your backside and get real!

God, the Moon!

What a lovely game. May I have a go?

[doorbell rings]

-Oh, that'll be him. James. -[Adam] James?

-Right. -To see the house.

-Mum! -And no more mess, please!

-Please, don't get it. -Jonny!

[Jackie] Coming!

-Oh, hi, Jim. -James.

-Sorry? -James.

I've come about the house.

Yes. [tuts]

Wilson and I would make a lot of changes to this house.

-I think... a lot. -Right.

And will you be here much longer?

-This bit is the upstairs? -That's right, Jim.

Hmm. I think I'd make it the downstairs.

And this...

-I'd probably burn. -Terrific.

Your bedroom's very nice, Jackie. It's very nice.

Uh... You have seen in here before, Jim.

I think I would preserve this room for all eternity.

I'm going downstairs to stare at my hands.

[Jackie] Thank you!

Does your bed come with the house, Jackie?

-Yes, it does, Jim. -No, it doesn't.

Well, might you be prepared to-- to sell the bed?

-Sorry, Jim. -Hire out the bed?

-Jim-- -No, of course.

I suppose I could always fashion a replica.

Yes.

-[groans] -[camera clicks]

[grunts]

Well, thanks for coming. Good night.

One minute, Jackie. I don't think I got to see the roof.

He's right. Jim didn't see the roof.

Um... I don't think that'll be necessary, Jim.

But they do say the roof's the most important bit.

-[Jim] Yes, I heard that. -Rotten git.

-Well, good night. -Roof.

Your Last Supper's getting cold.

Look, I know you're both upset, but nothing is happening with the house.

No one else is coming, no one's going to buy it, okay?

-Unless, of course, Jim does. -Thank you.

Imagine this was the last time we ever ate crumble in this house.

-Crimble crumble. -Okay.

In this room...

-Very good. -At this table.

-Seriously-- -[crashing]

What the bloody hell?

[gasps] Oh, God!

Shitting, shitting, shitting!

-Shit on it! -Oh, Martin!

My car! My shitting car!

-How did that happen? -Uh... I think I know.

Hello, all!

Just checking the roof.

Uh...

Uh... Okay, Jim. I'll tell him. Mm-hm.

Goodbye.

Jim said to tell Dad he's really very sorry about Dad's car,

and he's offered to make him a lasagna.

What, with wheels?

Three hundred bloody quid to tow the bloody thing!

Oh, Martin. Come and sit down.

-I don't wanna sit down. -Have some tea.

-I don't want tea. -Have some crumble.

-I don't want crumble. -Have some lasagna.

What? [sighs]

-My bloody, bloody car! -Oh, sweetheart.

I guess it's lucky you weren't inside it at the time.

You know, hammering away at Mum.

Thank you, Adam. You going to be okay, sweetheart?

Yeah, I just don't want to talk to anyone right now, all right?

[Jackie] Of course.

No. I know!

What?

What?

Dad?

[Martin] What?

Remember when we were kids, and we weren't talking?

-No, thank you. -[Jonny] It'll cheer you up.

I don't need cheering up.

-[all] You do! -[Martin] Oh, go on, then.

The whole vehicle, buggered.

-Number nine. -"Horses."

-What? -Horses. You talk about horses.

Um... [exhales] Okay.

Um... Well, horses, they're, um...

They're animals.

-That's it, is it? -Mm.

-It's okay. I'll play for him. -Oh, thank you, sweetie.

Horses are mammals, and they live in stables.

-Not wild ones, they don't. -Okay, not wild ones.

Horses run very fast, and like being ridden by people.

You have to break them in first!

Okay, all right.

Uh... They eat... What do horses eat? Carrots? Some meat?

-Horses don't eat meat! -Well, I don't know, do I?

Have you ever seen a horse tucking into a steak?

You stupid thicko!

-Martin! -I was only trying to cheer you up!

Cheer me up?

How is talking bollocks about flesh-eating horses going to...

Wait! Jackie.

-Meat! -[Jackie] What?

The butcher's.

That's where we did it. In the alley, behind the butcher's.

Oh, yes!

-What? -Where we formed you.

I'm sorry?

-In the alley, behind the butcher's. -Butcher's.

-The alley behind the butcher's? -We were quite drunk.

[chuckles] Very drunk!

[laughing]

The Last Supper just gets better and better.

[phone rings]

-[Jonny] I can't believe it. -Hello?

That's okay. It's not too late.

That's where I was conceived? Behind the butcher's?

Martin, could you come here for a sec?

Your mum was practically unconscious.

Unconscious.

Well, it must be nice to know how you came about,

some good, old-fashioned, non-consensual sex... very near some meat.

-[groans] -Thank you.

God.

What?

I think they want to buy the house.

-Who wants to buy the house? -The couple from before.

-What, the man and the pencil lady? -Yes, the pencil lady.

The estate agent said they want to drop round in a minute and have another look.

-Right. -Martin.

They're going to make an offer.

-Oh, okay. -That's good, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah.

-The boys. -The boys.

You know they'll go mad.

Don't worry, love. I'll be gentle with them.

Everything okay?

The couple from before are buying the house.

-What? -Martin!

No way are they buying the house!

Why did you tell them like that?

-Like what? -I can't believe this is happening!

You just said no one will buy it!

Well, I'm sorry, okay? I didn't know they would want to!

-I knew it! -Boys, they'll be here in a minute--

-Okay, I'm off! -Me, too.

[Jackie] Adam! Jonny!

And just so you know,

you won't be seeing us for a long, long time.

Yeah, a long, long, long, long time.

Boys, please, please!

Right, that is it. I've had enough of all this shit!

Martin!

The arguing, the shouting, the endless blotting!

Jackie, your go.

What?

Well, you're the only one who hasn't played.

What, now? But they'll be here in a minute!

-Spin it. Spin! -But--

Just do it, Mum.

Oh, God! [sighs]

Two.

Two, "My family".

-What? -That's your subject, "My family".

Sure it doesn't say "My horrible family"?

We're waiting.

What am I supposed to say?

You know about my family. You're in my family!

Jackie, just play it properly for bleedin' hell's sake!

-Yeah, Mum. -[sighs]

All right. My family.

My family...

[sighs]

Well, my family...

Yes?

[sobs]

-My family-- -Mum...

-Mum... -[whimpers] I'm sorry.

That's okay, Mum.

Is that your go over?

'Cause, technically, all you've said is the subject title.

I'm going to miss this place.

-Me, too. -And me.

Maybe it is more than just a building with walls and doors.

And windows. [chuckles lightly]

It's the family home.

The family home.

[sighs]

[doorbell rings]

-They're here. -Right.

-Boys, wait. -What?

Martin, can you get the bin bag, please?

-Bin bag? -The one in the bin.

-The one in the-- -Quickly!

-Why do you want the bin bag? -Yeah?

-[doorbell rings] -One minute!

It's very full, so be careful.

If you think I'm blotting all that...

Well, don't just stand there. Help me!

[laughing]

[doorbell ringing]

Coming!

-Okay. -Jackie, wait!

That's better.

[chuckles] My horrible family.

Oh, hello again. Do have another look around.

[♪ theme music playing]