Original subtitles

[♪ theme music playing]

[car gears grind]

[sighing]

It sounds like a goose.

Seriously, I'm not missing the Grand Prix.

Maybe you could say that another 5,000 times.

-Ah, the Grand Prix? -Jim?

Is that the one with the cars or the horses?

What are you doing here?

Just having our little walk, aren't we, Wilson?

In our drive?

Well, goodbye, then.

[sniffs]

-Uh? Meat? -Just checking for meat.

Yes. Wilson's on a no-meat diet at the moment,

so we have to be very careful, don't we, Wilson?

He's ravenous!

Um, we're not carrying any meat on us, Jim.

-Yeah. Not today. -[sniffs]

That's good. All clear!

-Thanks, bye. -Enjoy the horsies.

[doorbell rings]

-Come on, Wilson. -Meat?

There is no way I'm missing the Grand Prix.

[groans]

Don't you have your keys?

-Oh, hello... -Horrible.

...Grandma.

If you had your keys, then your poor parents

wouldn't have to keep trudging to the door.

Okay.

May we come in?

-[door closes] -Wipe your feet!

Dirty boys!

The pigs are here!

-Hi, pigs! -[Adam] Hi.

[Jonny] Hi, Mum.

[Jackie] You look nice! Aw!

-Why can't it be her funeral today? -[Jackie] Hmm.

I'm sure it can be arranged.

Actually, I did see a large rock out there.

Some small ones would do.

Just had a good sniffing from Jim.

-You what? -Where's Dad?

-Writing his speech. -Dad's doing a speech?

Which thick idiot had that idea?

My beloved brother passes away,

the least your father can do is to get off his backside and say a few words!

Of course, Cynthia. Everything okay now?

The coffee's cold.

You said you didn't want it too hot.

-Neither did I want it too cold. -I'll pour you a new one, then.

[whispering] Well, it won't pour itself.

-[Adam] What happened to that? -It fell over.

It fell over or it was pushed over?

[Jackie] That's what I'd like to know. Well, enjoy!

-Well, sit down! -Okay...

-Horrible. -...Grandma.

[Adam sighs]

Well, aren't you going to say anything?

Sorry Uncle Saul died.

Oh, Saul was a wonderful man.

-Everybody loved him. -Hated him.

The thing is, he ate too much, and in the end, it killed him!

His rectum seized up and his bowels imploded!

[groaning]

-Bambinos. -Dad.

How's the speech, Mr. Churchill?

Pillock! Sorry, Mum,

where was Uncle Saul born again? Edinburgh?

London.

-He was a baker? -Tailor.

-Wife called Jean? -He never married!

Who needs facts, eh, Dad?

-I'm going to the shed. -Bodes well.

[Martin] Bleedin' hell.

Here we are. Dad looks happy.

He just found his cyanide pills.

-Ooh, too hot! -You're welcome.

-Maybe we should get going. -Yeah.

-But I haven't had my hair done yet! -Your hair?

You know what hair is, don't you?

But the funeral starts at 10:00...

-Horrible. -...Grandma.

-No, it's at 12:00. -You said 10:00!

-Did I? -But that means I'm gonna miss the--

Mrs. Goodman, your personal stylist awaits! Hi, boys.

[both] Hi, Auntie Val.

-Here. -Oh! Thank you, Cynthia.

It's not for you, I want you to carry it! Stupid woman.

Deep breaths!

-Can we get you a rock? -Huh?

-[Cynthia] Hurry up, Valerie! -I hope she'll be all right.

Inside!

What?

Why did you tell us the funeral was at 10:00?

[sighs] 'Cause I wanted you to help with--

-Bugger-tits? -Yes, bugger-tits.

Boys, do you think she pushed our cabinet over?

-But it's the Monaco Grand Prix! -Is it? Who's playing?

-Excellent. -No-one's playing.

It's the Grand Prix. I never miss the Grand Prix!

Oh, grow up, Jonny. It's your great uncle's funeral.

-So? I hardly knew the guy! -What? You remember Uncle Saul.

-Large gentleman. -Large elephant.

-Adam! -Mum, he was a knobhead!

-Jonny! -He was a knobhead.

-Stop it! He was family. -The family knobhead.

-I'm sorry, everyone. -[Jackie] Are you all right, love?

Could you get me a rock?

[Martin mumbling]

Uh, hi, Dad.

[Martin] Wish it was my mother they were burying.

-What are you doing? -[Martin] Sitting in the shed.

I think he means, "Why have you got a cloth on your face?"

I did mean that.

-[Martin] It keeps out the light. -Right.

Also, smells nice. [sniffs]

-Mm, grubby. -[groans]

Shouldn't you be writing your speech?

[sighs] I don't know what to say about the bloody man.

-Who's making me miss the Grand Prix. -Really? Who's playing?

[groans]

-I've hardly written a thing. -What have you written?

-"He liked potatoes." -It's a start.

-"And most breads." -There's your middle.

-All you need now is the end. -[chuckles]

Prannies! I've just been reading his medical report.

-Well, there's your speech. -Makes you think, though.

One minute you're having your sandwich, the next, your arse blows up.

Yeah. Maybe don't say that.

-I tell you, this family and its bottoms. -Or that.

And I've got to carry his bloody coffin!

[chuckles] You're carrying his coffin?

[chuckles] Bad luck, Dad!

I might as well be carrying a bus!

[laughing]

I don't know why you're laughing, you're carrying it with me.

-What? -We're--

Yep, coffin bearers.

Mm, smelly. [sighs]

Mm!

I'm not arguing about it.

You're carrying your great uncle's coffin.

-But, Mum, it's sinister! -It's not sinister!

What, carrying a dead body is not sinister?

Don't be silly! It's in a box!

A dead body in a box, that's not sinister?

-That is definitely sinister. -[groans]

[knocking on door]

How are we getting on in here?

Jacqueline, will you tell this woman to stop scraping my skull?

And, Jacqueline, will you get me a gin and tonic?

-Um-- Right. -With no tonic.

-Oh, dear. -Okay, we'll carry his coffin.

But that is the last coffin we ever carry.

-What? -Yeah, the last one.

Apart from mine, obviously.

-Sorry? -Sorry?

When I die, you'll carry my coffin.

-[scoffs] -No way!

What?

You won't carry your mother's coffin to her grave?

Because that's not sinister at all, is it?

What, dead mum in box.

Well, clearly, asking my own two sons

to carry their mother's body is too much to ask.

It is quite a lot to ask.

Unbelievable!

We're unbelievable?

[Jackie] Unbelievable!

Uh, have you injured your brain or something?

I can't believe you are literally refusing to carry my body.

All right, okay, we'll carry it.

Thank you.

As long as you die in the next five minutes.

-Starting now. -[chuckles]

Is 17 words enough for a speech?

Martin, the boys are saying they won't carry my coffin.

They're not carrying your coffin, they're carrying Uncle Saul's coffin.

I mean for my funeral, you idiot.

They won't carry my body. Tell them!

-Well, you'll carry your mother's body. -Thank you.

Just make sure you wash your hands afterwards!

[laughs]

Well, I'll be very angry if you don't carry me.

-Um, I don't think you'll know. -Oh, I'll know, all right.

-Oh, yeah? -I'll be watching you.

[shuddering]

What? You wouldn't want your own mother

watching over you when she's gone?

[muffled] God help ya.

Martin, can you, please, stop drinking from that bloody tap?

-[slurps] -You sound like an ox.

Thirsty.

Well, it's obvious I mean nothing to you.

Not nothing, but...

Right!

-Shed. -[both] Shed.

-[Jonny] Jim. -Hello, all!

What the hell are you doing there?

We're just doing walkies, aren't we, Wilson?

What, down the side of our house?

Hmm?

Jim, we're really quite busy.

Yes, of course. You look nice in black.

-Uh... -Come on, Wilson.

-[Wilson whines] -No.

[sniffs]

Jim? Wh-- What are you--

-Just checking for meat? -Just checking for meat.

Meat?

Yes, Wilson's on a no-meat diet, aren't you, lovely?

He's ravenous!

Jim, we're kind of going to a funeral today, so...

-A funeral? Oh, dear. Who died? -My uncle, Jim.

Oh, your Uncle Jim.

-What? -Well, I am sorry, Martin.

Where will you be putting the corpse?

-"The corpse"? -The carcass.

-The usual place. -In the mud.

-The ground. -Ground.

He's being buried at the cemetery.

Yes, of course. Is that the normal one or the Jewish one?

-The Jewish one. -Ah! Shalom!

Shalom.

Well, thanks, Jim. I have to finish my speech, so...

Ah! A speech!

"To be or not to be, that is the question."

"A horse! A horse! My kingdom..." "Romeo!

Romeo! Is this a dagger which I..."

"Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your--"

[Val] That is it!

That bloody woman can shove her hair right up her ass!

[sniffs]

And she was just so--

-Horrible? -Horrible?

You mustn't let it get to you, love.

But why would she say such things?

Why would she call me a prostitute?

-I'm not a prostitute, am I? -'Course you're not a prostitute!

She said I was.

Boys, tell your auntie she's not a prostitute.

[both] Auntie, you're not a prostitute.

Thank you, boys.

Listen to this. Did you know, in the year Uncle Saul was born,

they erected the very first National Grid pylon?

-Really? -Well, that's one for the speech!

Don't worry. It's in.

-Did you talk to her, then? -Who?

-Your mother. -My mother?

Yes!

You were gonna tell her what a rude bloody cow she was, remember?

Oh, yes, I remember.

-Well? -Well, I was going to.

-And? -And then I didn't.

Who would have guessed?

Martin, where's that cup of tea?

-Mum-- -What?

I'll go get it for you.

What a man!

Well, Valerie, are you going to finish my hair or what?

Uh, Valerie's not speaking to you at the moment, Cynthia.

-I see. -And neither am I.

Right.

May I ask whose car keys are these?

Uh, mine. Why?

Then I shall be waiting on the back seat for you.

What? Where are we going?

Nowhere. I think she just wants you to feel her tits.

Jonathan!

[laughs]

Oh, my God! "Tits"!

[laughs]

[gears grind]

[Cynthia] The hairdressers is just over there. Pull in.

-Pull in! -[Adam] Yes, okay!

[gears grind]

Right. We're here now, so--

How your mother can be friends with that hysterical woman,

-I shall never know! -Um, do you want to get out?

She's obviously got mental problems.

-Do you want to get out? -Clearly menopausal.

-How sweet. Maybe get out? -Right. I'm getting out now.

I shall be 20 minutes.

-Truck runs her over. -Building collapses on her.

-[Adam] Oh, she lives. -Shame.

-Right, the Grand Prix. -[Adam groans]

-Great. -You know it doesn't work.

-Could you possibly have a shittier car? -Could you possibly have a shittier face?

[groans] Animal!

I'll try my phone.

How can you watch all those cars go round and round?

Night-night, Pusface!

Might as well be watching traffic.

Of course! No signal in the crap-mobile.

-[thuds] -Right.

Where are you going?

-A pub. They'll have a screen. -A pub?

Yeah. We won't be long.

-Uh, no... -[shop door opens]

[man chattering angrily]

-...we won't. -Huh?

-Start the car! -That was quick!

-I said, "Start the car!" -What?

What happened?

All I said was, I didn't want them to make me look like

all the other prostitutes in there.

-Oh, the good old prostitutes. -And they refused to do my hair!

-You don't say! -Come on!

[engine splutters]

Though unfortunately, a large glass cabinet fell over

just as I was leaving.

It smashed everywhere!

Oh, here come the prostitutes!

[car splutters]

Do you understand the seriousness of what happened, Mrs. Goodman?

I think so, Officer. But it's all so confusing!

Please, can I go and bury my brother?

Sorry, but can your mother understand what I've been saying?

-[all] Yes! -Excuse me, do you have Wi-Fi?

Fortunately, Mrs. Goodman,

your son has agreed to pay the damages.

"Fortunately"?

And since the owners have decided not to press charges,

you are, effectively, free to go.

Oh, bless you, Officer!

I'll leave you to it, then.

You mean you're not gonna hang her by the neck?

Until she's very, very dead?

[sighs] Blimey!

Mum, I hope you heard what the nice policeman just said!

-Stupid fuss about nothing. -I'm sorry?

So, a silly cabinet falls over, cabinets fall over the whole time!

You pushed our cabinet over, didn't you?

I beg your pardon?

Right, that's it, I'm not going to the funeral.

What? Jackie!

Not until your mother apologizes for everything!

-Apologizes? -You heard me. I'm not going.

But, Jackie, they're burying the old git in 20 minutes!

-I don't care. -[sighs]

Well, you're going, Martin, you have to accompany your mother.

Um, I think I might have to, um, potentially,

maybe agree with my wife?

What a man!

Well, Cynthia?

I'm waiting.

You're right.

I've been really...

-Horrible. -Horrible.

What's the word?

-Horrible. -Horrible.

Fucking horrible!

Yes, fucking horrible.

So, I'd like to apologize to you all for my behavior today.

Wow!

Martin, give everyone a pound.

-Brilliant. -More money?

Right, we've got a funeral to go to.

-[all sigh] -As soon as I've had my hair done.

-What? -Oh, bloody shit!

Martin, you don't expect your mother to stand by a grave

-with half-finished hair, do you? -But, Mum--

-If you'd all like to-- -Sorry, Officer.

You don't have another room we could use for a few minutes?

[Val] Nearly there.

Seriously, can we just go?

-Why can't I get a signal? -All done.

Thank Christ.

Happy, now, Mrs. Goodman?

Oh, thank you, Valerie!

Are you still here?

Sorry, Officer. We're just leaving.

-All right, Mum? -[Cynthia] Just a minute!

Well, come on!

She's wearing a bloody hat!

[F1 car engines rev]

I've got a signal! I've got a signal!

[chuckles] I'm a genius!

Hurry up, Pissface!

[toilet flushes]

[screams] Pusface!

[Rabbi] "The loving kindness of the Lord is for all eternity..."

We are so late!

-They're still soaking! -Oh, shame.

"Who have I in heaven, but you?"

Sorry, Rabbi,

my mother was nicked for smashing up a hairdresser's.

Martin!

[Rabbi carries on reading]

Who are these people?

Don't worry. All you need to know is

that's the poor sod we're dumping in the ground.

[Jackie] Martin!

My poor brother, lying in a coffin!

Let's hope he doesn't try to eat his way out of it.

[chuckles]

-I said-- -He burst a tire! No way!

I'm sorry?

Uh, nothing, Rabbi.

[Rabbi] "Men seek refuge under the shadow of your wings

for with you is the fountain of life."

Before we lay Saul's body to rest,

Saul's nephew, Martin Goodman, would like to say a few words.

Bugger!

I mean, of course, Rabbi.

-[Adam] Here we go. -[Jonny] Armageddon.

Good luck, Martin.

-Don't let your mother down! -He will.

Oh, God! Where are the bloody things?

Started well.

[clears throat]

[clears throat loudly]

[spits]

Relatives, friends and--

-Shalom! -[Jackie] Jim?

-[murmuring] -Oh, God.

Please, sir, this is a holy place.

Yes, my liege. Shalom!

Bleedin' hell! Go on!

Sorry, Rabbi. [laughs nervously]

Jim, did you follow us here?

-Shalom! -What are you doing?

Wilson and I have come to pay our respects to the corpse.

The carcass.

-His name was Saul, Jim. -Saul Jim.

-[balloon pops] -[Wilson barks]

Sorry!

[Wilson whines]

-Black balloons? -Black balloons.

-Mr. Goodman. -Right, thank you.

Relatives, friends, and my mother,

we're here to mark the sad passing of Saul David Epstein--

-Saul Richard Epstein! -Saul Richard Epstein.

Who was born way back in 1928. Uh...

A very special year, because did you know that was the year

they erected the very first National Grid pylon?

-We knew. -Pillocks!

-[balloon pops] -[Wilson barks]

Sorry!

-Saul David Epstein-- -Richard Epstein!

Oh, God! Richard Epstein. Saul Richard Epstein

suffered a long and terrible drawn-out illness

during which he developed some pretty horrid bacteria

deep inside his gut.

[Adam] He's doing the medical report.

Unfortunately, this all led to a nasty infection

in his intestinal regions

and subsequent rupture of the inner lining to his anal glands.

-Did he just-- -"Anal glands."

And this, in turn,

created an enormous build-up of fecal matter.

-Did he-- -"Fecal matter."

And since the sphincter had all but given up,

there was effectively a whole mass of solid waste

leaking back into Saul's bowels.

-Uh, Martin-- -Until, bang...

-[balloon pops] -[Wilson barks]

Sorry!

...Saul's bowels just exploded.

Only inwardly.

So, if there is one lesson to be learned from Saul's life,

it's that we should all take much greater care of our health,

in particular, our guts and our anuses.

-Martin. -What?

Yes. Well, um, amen.

[all] Amen.

Uh, thank you, Mr. Goodman. Much to ponder about there.

-Really, Martin! -What were you thinking?

-What? -Nice one, Dad. Guts and anuses!

It's factually correct.

[prays in Hebrew]

Sorry, I'm not missing any more.

Jonny!

Thank you, gentlemen.

Oh, God. Dead man in box time.

-And lift. -Oh, Jesus Christ!

-[coffin creaks] -[grunting]

Hopefully it'll be lighter when your mother's in it!

[undertaker] Slowly, slowly.

[F1 car engines rev]

Oh God, my phone!

Jonny!

-Turn it off, you idiot! -I'm trying!

-What's that noise? -Turn that bleedin' thing off!

-I can't reach! Adam, help! -Oh, God!

-[crashing] -[grasping]

-Oh, shit on it! -Oh, my God!

-Sorry! -You shitting, crapping imbeciles!

You've broken the lid!

-[Wilson barks] -[Jim] No, Wilson!

Oh, my God!

No, Wilson, no meat!

-No meat! -Get that bloody dog away!

Rabbi, he's ravenous!

My poor, poor brother!

Well, it's what he would have wanted.

Yeah.

[♪ theme music playing]