Original subtitles

[♪ theme music playing]

[brakes screech]

Pissing hell!

-Um, hi, Dad. -Pissing bloody hell!

-Driving without a top now, are we? -What?

Are you on the run or something?

I tell you, if your mum makes me go round to her mother's again,

-I'll bleedin' hang myself! -Ooh, can I watch?

Three times I've been to your grandma's this evening!

Three times! First, she leaves her purse here.

Off I go. Then she remembers she's left her gloves. Off I go again.

-And now this time, her bum medicine. -Sorry?

Why your mother can't send your bloody brother!

-He's been here all week. -All week!

I thought it was one night.

-Aren't you cold? -What?

No, my nipples are roasting.

-Roast nipples. -This helps a little, though.

-Uh... -Frozen cod.

[exhales]

-Go away! -Oh, my God!

-Why didn't you ring the bell? -I told you we should do it upstairs!

-Were you cutting his toenails? -No!

Yes, you were!

Why are you cutting Pusface's toenails?

-She's not! -Keep still.

-[groans] There's bits everywhere! -Just go away.

So, this is what happens when you stay at Mum and Dad's, is it?

-You're such a dick! -And look at his little pyjamas!

-Don't be cruel. -And his little slippers!

Leave my slip-slips!

-Your slip-slips? -Stop it, Jonathan. He's frail.

-Is he? -Ow!

-Oh, yes! -Jonny!

-So, how is little Lord Bubbins? -Still not better, actually.

Aw, your tonsil-wonsils still giving you trouble-wubble?

-Mummy! -Err, "Mummy"?

-Jackie, I've fixed the shower pipes. -Wonderful.

Get Adam his glass of water, will you?

Yes, Your bleedin' Highness.

Dad, Mum's been cutting Adam's toenails!

-Tell me about it! -Can anyone smell fish?

Fish?

[Jonny] There you go, Pusface.

-Thank you. -Ooh, one sec.

-Wedgie! -Ow!

Jonny, you'll tear them! You'll tear them!

-Bastard! -Jonathan. Horrible!

-Dad. Dad? -Mm?

-How long's that been going on? -What?

You know, that. Mummy and baby.

Oh. Mummy and baby the whole bloody week!

-God! -Yeah, God.

Every morning she makes him breakfast in bed.

Three boiled eggs, he gets. That's 15 eggs.

That is quite a lot of eggs.

And then he lies around in his pyjamas

-eating meringues all bloody day. -Meringues?

And I'm the one who has to clean up after him.

That's if I'm not at your grandma's,

-ferrying around her bum medicine. -Bum medicine!

Are you getting him his drink? He's thirsty!

-Sorry? -Oh, Martin!

Oh, and I forgot, my mother called.

She left her glasses here. Could you drop them round?

Right! That's it!

If that bloody woman wants her glasses,

she can get off her stupid fat arse and get them herself.

Martin, that's my mother you're talking about!

-Then why don't you go round then? -You know why I can't go round.

I'm looking after my baby. Here, Bobble.

-Thanks, Mum. -So not ill.

Jackie, I am telling you, I am not getting in my car

for one more second this evening. Do you hear me?

One more second!

-I think he might have meant that. -Martin!

And where are you going with all those pipes?

I'll tell you where I'm going. To shove them up my bottom.

-You asked him! -Incredible!

Okay, then, Pusface. What's going on?

-Get off! -[laughs]

Lying around in your pyjamas, wearing your slip-slips.

Ow! Stop doing that!

-Oh, come on! You're not still ill. -I am!

It's my tonsils.

Well, then, maybe what you need is a good old wedgie!

-Ow! Jonny! -Better now?

Right!

Mm! Crunchy!

-No, Mum, he hasn't left quite yet. -[mouthing]

-Don't worry, he'll drop them round later. -I bleedin' well won't!

Shh! Okay, Mum. Love you.

Martin, you know my mother can't see without her glasses!

Do you want her to fall and break her legs?

Could she do her arms as well?

-Maybe you should go, Jonny. -Okay, Mum.

See? Your younger son has a heart.

-One slight problem. -What?

I don't have my car.

-[sighs] Well, take your dad's car, then. -What? He's not crashing my car again.

-Okay, take Adam's. -He's not crashing my car again!

[groans]

-Seriously, why can't Pusface go? -Me?

-You know why! He's frail. -Is he?

-Ow! -Oh, yes.

-Martin, please take my mother's glasses. -Oh, Jackie.

Oh, God! Then I'll have to do it later, won't I?

Yes, you will.

As if I don't have enough to do, caring for our poor baby.

Uh, can we maybe eat?

Mmm, squirrel!

Ah, ah, ah!

The patient first.

-Some chicken for Bobble. -Thanks, Mum.

-Mmm. A little more, maybe? -Thanks, Mum.

Some potatoes...

-Thanks, Mum. -Mm.

-And a couple more... -Jackie!

Thanks, Mum.

-Vegetables... -Thanks, Mummy.

Oops.

-One more potato. -Mum!

Bleedin' 'ell!

Jonny.

Is that it?

Martin, you can have the rest.

Huh?

-Mum, you forgot my... -Oh, your Ribena! Oh, sorry, Bobble.

Thanks, Mum. No ice!

What?

No, Dad.

-Give it! -Get off!

-Give me some! -Mum!

-Mummy! -Martin!

-I told you not to do that! -Jackie!

You mean he's done that before?

Taking food out of your starving son's mouth! Oh!

Are you all right, Bobble?

-[Adam] I think so, Mummy. -[Jackie] Aw!

Sorry, am I now in some kind of cult or something?

-Oh, just eat your food, both of you. -I already have!

[sighs] Here.

Your Ribena, Bobble.

-Thanks, Mummy. -[doorbell rings]

-Oh, who's that? -Adam's nappy delivery?

-Ha-ha. -And Martin...

Leave!

No, Dad!

-Oh, hi, Jim. -[Jim] Hello, Jackie.

-You look nice! -Um, thanks, Jim.

-Not the greatest of times... -Isn't it?

"Dear Jim, congratulations on passing your driving test.

Love, Wilson."

-Oh! -Clever Wilson!

So, did you pass first time?

-15th. -Well, that's not too--

Last time, I drove into a reservoir.

-Right. -How do you like my new car, Jackie?

All it needed was a dab of paint.

Hi, Jim.

What are you doing here with your plate? No, Martin!

Look at the boy in his little pyjamas!

Jim passed his driving test, everyone!

[all] Oh.

-What, first time? -15th.

Well, must get on with dinner.

-Yes, my celebration dinner. -Our family dinner.

Family dinner to celebrate Jim's success!

Um, no.

Jim's allowed to drive?

That's me never crossing the road again!

Well, maybe you could ask Jim to drop round your mother's stupid glasses.

What, and crash through her living room, and kill her stone dead?

Ooh, I hadn't thought of that!

[gears grinding]

-What's that-- -[doorbell rings]

[sighs] What now?

[Jonny] Adam's nappies have arrived?

The car, it's not really going where I want it to go.

And is Lord Bubbins

planning on finishing his evening meal sometime this century?

-What? -How that man passed his test!

He couldn't even remember what the steering wheel was for!

-Oh, no! What is in my mouth? -What do you think is in your mouth?

Boys.

Oh, my God!

Oh!

-Jonathan! -[Martin laughs]

Toenails? That's disgusting!

-I can't believe you, Jonathan! -[Martin continues laughing]

-Me? -It's not funny, Martin!

-Oh, look, he's all wet! -I'm all wet.

Gone right through to his chest! [groans]

-I don't believe this. -Believe it!

What is wrong with you tonight? Can you just calm down?

Me calm down?

Why don't you go upstairs, put your pyjamas on?

-Put my pyjamas on? -Yes. It'll calm you down.

Go on, Pissface. Put your pyjamas on.

Shut up! Why would I want to put my pyjamas on?

'Cause you'll be all nice and cozy.

I don't want to be nice and cozy!

Oh, my two little babies in their pyjamas!

Can I put my pyjamas on?

Go and take the glasses back to my mother!

Oh, shit-head shit!

Oh, go on, Jonnyboo.

-Mum! -Do it for Mummy.

-Please! -Jonnyboo!

Jonnyboo.

Okay, that's it. I'm getting out of here.

-[Jackie] What? -[Jonny] Yeah.

Goodbye!

-Can I come with? -I'll take these bloody glasses

-back to Grandma myself! -Sit down!

-Pusface, I'm taking your car. -Uh, no, you're not!

-Uh, yes, I am! -Oh, give them back!

Jonathan!

-Bye, everyone! -Jonny!

Well, come on, Martin!

[Jackie] It's Friday night!

[arguing indistinctly in hallway]

Fools!

Go back in there and finish your food!

Uh what food? Come on, Adam. You're coming with me.

-Am I? -Don't listen to him, Adam.

Yep, you're coming to Grandma's. Let's go.

-Mum! -Martin!

-But I'm in my pyjamas! -So? It'll be a laugh.

-Martin! -Come on, Adam!

[Jackie] No!

-Jonny, let go of him! -You let go of him!

Get off me!

Adam, if you stay in this house any longer, you will die!

Don't listen to him, Bobble. Stay here with Mummy.

-Uh... -Seriously, Adam!

-Martin! -What?

Come on!

-Adam! -Sorry, Mum!

[Martin and Jackie arguing indistinctly]

Oh, my God.

I'm... I'm outside the house!

The death cult? Let's go.

-Oh, no, not again! -What?

-Why does it never work? -Because it's a piece of shit.

The central locking. It keeps bloody...

-[car chirps and unlocks] --Oh, finally!

Yes. Finally.

Another wedgie!

Ow! You're tearing them!

[Jonny laughs]

Can you please stop doing that!

-Doing what? -You're such a knob.

-You're a knob. -You're a knob.

-You're a knob. -Knob!

Knob!

Maybe I should just go back in.

Sorry, but what the hell has happened to you?

-What? -You've been here one week,

and just look at what you've become.

You just don't get it, do you?

No, I don't get it.

Okay. I thought it would be hell here, too.

I thought I'd stay one night max. You know, while I was feeling all crap.

-Right. -But then the milky drinks,

-the hot water bottles. -Hot water bottles?

The meringues! Mummy makes so many meringues!

Okay, no more "Mummy", all right?

-No more "Mummy". -Okay, no more "Mummy".

[engine starts]

Wait!

[groans]

Here's your coat, Bobble.

-Oh, great! -And a banana.

Thanks, Mummy!

[Jonny] Are you sure you'll be okay getting out,

or would you like me to carry you?

Very good!

Oh, really?

Promise me we can just push your car off a bridge later.

-Oh, my coat. -Or set it on fire.

Bloody hell!

-What? -Where are my keys?

-Oh, don't say I've... -...locked the keys in the...

-Shit! -You idiot!

Now what are we gonna do?

-I know. -What?

Wedgie!

-Ow! Jonny! -[cheers]

-[giggles] Oh, my God! -You bloody shit!

[laughing] I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

Well, give me my trousers! Give me my trousers!

-You mean these? -Shit!

Shit!

Why weren't you wearing any pants underneath?

'Cause I'm in my pyjamas. You don't wear pants with pyjamas!

-Don't you? I do. -How is this happening?

You massive turd!

[laughing]

-It's not funny! -It is from where I'm standing!

-Jesus! -Sorry, I've got to take a photo.

Jonny!

Oh, not my phone!

Who cares about your bloody phone?

Oh, just give me your trousers.

My trousers?

-Just give them to me! -Get off!

-I'm not giving you my trousers! -Come on, let's just go to Grandma's.

Go to Grandma's? What, with my arse hanging out?

[laughs] Not forgetting your bollocks!

Oh, God!

Come on. She'll have something for you to wear.

Like what, exactly?

I don't know. A nice old pair of knickers!

I can't believe this!

[Jonny chortles]

Oh, meow! That's it, sexy!

-It's not funny! -Oh, it is funny!

[Jonny laughing]

Come on, Grandma!

-It is a good look, though. -Oh, shut up!

I'm so cold!

-Adam, I think she's out. -How could she be out?

Grandma!

Grandma!

-She knew we were coming. -Yeah.

-We come all this way and she just-- -Right. Give me your shirt.

What?

Give me your shirt. I'll wrap it around me.

You've got a top on, use that.

Uh, then I'll be basically naked.

-You're basically naked now, so-- -Jonny!

No way, I'll freeze!

I'll rub my penis on you!

-What? -I will!

I'll rub my penis on you, and my balls.

-Adam! -I'll do it.

I mean it.

-Oh, my God! Oh! Oh! -Take it! Take it!

-Oh, bloody hell! -Thank you.

You're sick!

God, it's cold.

There!

-Nice skirt! -Thanks.

Oh, God!

Okay. Let's go next door.

Ask them if we can use their phone to call Mummy.

For the last crapping time, it is "Mum", not "Mummy"!

All right!

Are we really gonna ring the bell?

What else can we do? Just ring the bell.

Adam, I don't think you should have rung the bell.

-[woman] Just a minute. -But you said I should ring it!

Oh, someone's coming!

Um, excuse me, but can we please use your telephone?

[woman] Um...

We haven't come to attack you!

[screaming loudly]

-And now we run. -Yep!

[woman] Somebody call the police!

Somebody call the police!

[horn tooting]

Yes, we know!

No phone. No money.

Stupid Grandma and her stupid glasses.

Maybe it would be good to get arrested.

At least we'd get given some sort of gown or something.

-Do the police give you gowns? -I can't feel my face!

Is there such a thing as a police gown?

Seriously, where is this stupid shop?

I thought it was down here. It's somewhere down here.

Please stop for us! We're nice boys.

[horn tooting]

I believe that's called soliciting!

-Hey, that's Jim! That's Jim's car! -What?

Jim! Jim!

Jim! Jim!

I know you've just passed your test, Jim,

but if you could possibly drive a little faster?

-Faster? I'm already going at... -22 miles an hour!

We don't want the car to overheat and suddenly explode, do we, Wilson?

And you definitely don't have your phone?

No, 'cause Wilson did his bottom things on it,

-so I put it in a pond. -Fantastic!

[Wilson whines]

Hang on, this isn't the turning for the motorway, is it?

Oh, dear!

Never driven on the motorway before!

[Jim] Hold tight, Wilson!

Fifty miles away?

-Martin. -What?

You know you said you wouldn't get in your car again...

Hmm?

-[Martin] Oh, shitting hell! -[Jackie] Martin!

-Your dad's on his way. -Yep. All right. Bye, Mum.

Um, thanks for the phone.

Sorry again we can't give you anything.

-What's that? -You know, for the phone.

-[men wolf-whistle] -Yes!

Yep. Sorry we can't give you anything.

What about your slippers?

-My slippers? -You mean his slip-slips?

Ah! Ooh!

Bloody idiots!

Oh, did you get hot, as well?

Yes, Dad. Roasting!

Right. Let's go.

-[crunching] -Oh, dear!

What?

Were these anyone's?

Oh, look at you, Adam!

-Oh! -Him? What about me?

No more shitting car.

My poor Bobble! Put these on.

-Thanks, Mummy! -What about me?

Sorry?

You said you didn't want to wear any pyjamas, remember?

-But... -Aw, do you really think

I'd let my other little Bobble freeze to death?

Thanks, Mum.

Mummy.

Here.

Jonnyboo! [smooches]

Oh, my poor boys!

[clears throat]

-What? -Mummy...

Please don't call me that.

Thanks, love!

Mummy...

-Goodbye, Jim. -Bye-bye, Mummy.

-Jackie. -Mummy!

-[Wilson barking] -Wilson! Wilson!

Oh, Mum. Um, Grandma's glasses.

Don't worry. She called. She found her spare pair anyway.

[Adam and Jonny] What?

Yeah. She couldn't answer the door when you came round

'cause she was a bit busy.

Oh! She was "busy", was she?

Well, she was in the bathroom with her tights round her ankles,

bending over a mirror.

Sorry?

Bum medicine.

-There's your hot milk. -Oh, thanks, Mum.

-Your hot chocolate. -Thanks, Mum!

Martin, here's your disgusting hot beer drink.

Lovely!

Oh, my little babies!

Have your meringues.

Ooh, meringues!

-Do you get it now? -Oh, I get it!

-[doorbell rings] -Mm! Hot beer and meringues!

[Jackie] Coming!

[sighs]

[♪ theme music playing]