Original subtitles

[♪ theme music playing]

-Such a div! -Shut up!

Well, if you liked the girl so much, why don't you talk to her?

I can't just talk to her, can I? And say what?

-"Please, play with my penis"? -[Adam] Yeah.

-Thanks for the advice! -[doorbell rings]

Just tell her the truth, you idiot!

What? "Hello, I only come to your restaurant

-so I can stare at you"? -Yeah! Waitresses love that.

You know, the silent murderer type.

-[Adam groans] -[door opens]

-Hello, bambinos! -Doctor Bosoms.

-[Adam] Nurse Nipples. -[chuckles]

-Hot tonight, isn't it? -Oh, stifling!

So, do you want the good news or the bad news?

-Uh, good news. -Mum's doing lamb.

-Yes! Lamb! -Skill Magill!

-And the bad news? -Val's here.

-[sighs] -God!

In there with your mum. Been here all bloody day.

-[Adam] What's she been doing? -Crying, obviously.

-Argument with Larry? -Obviously.

What's this one about?

-Lakes. -Lakes?

Who argues about lakes?

That's what I said. Rivers, maybe, but lakes?

-[Martin] Ooh! -[Adam] What?

-Oh, no! -Oh, it's not today, is it?

It's today. My annual oiling of the hinges.

-You're still doing that? -With that stupid old can.

It's not stupid.

And of course, I'm still doing it. It's my tenth year.

-Your tenth year? -Happy anniversary!

Cretins! Here, watch this.

[door squeaks]

And now...

[hinges staying silent]

Magic!

-Tragic! -[snickers]

-Oh, hi, boys! -Hi, Mum.

-Hi. -[Jackie kisses]

Dad's in an exciting mood tonight.

Isn't he? Can you put a shirt on now, please?

What?

-Ooh! Crumble! -Leave!

-Jackie, look at this! -Another one? [sighs]

-And you married this man? -I think I was drugged.

-Ha! -[Jackie] Oh, boys,

your poor auntie is in a right state in there.

-[Adam] Really? -Has she shot herself yet? [laughs]

It's not funny. Can you stop eating cream?

She's been having a really hard time.

Larry's walked out on her!

-Larry always walks out on her! -Maybe he should try running!

Horrible!

-Go on, go and talk to her. -What?

-Us? -[Jackie] Yes!

Talk to Auntie Val. It'll cheer her up!

-But, Mum-- -You'll find the axe under the stairs.

-[Jonny] Seriously? -Please! For Mummy.

-[groans] -God!

[Jonny] Hey!

No!

-Sympathy face ready? -[sighs] Ready.

-Hi, Auntie Val. -Hi, Auntie Val.

Oh, boys.

-Sorry about you and Uncle Larry. -Yeah.

Oh, thank you.

[sniffs and sobs]

He's a bastard!

Um, yeah.

-And a shit! -Uh-huh. Mum!

-A bastard and a shit! -Mum!

-Everything all right? -We've spoken to Auntie Val.

Yep.

You just take it easy.

Then we'll all have a nice bit of lamb.

-Hmm? -Lamb?

[sobs]

Poor Val!

-Um, Mum, a quick word? -What? Ooh!

-She's not staying for dinner, is she? -What? Of course she's staying.

-God! -Mum!

-Jackie! -Oh!

What are you doing in here?

[hinges stay silent]

You'd better not get any of that on my carpet!

Can I go, now, please?

-But, Mum, we're having lamb tonight! -Yeah, Mum, lamb!

-And? -We don't want her ruining our lamb

-with all her stupid crying! -Yeah!

Yeah, Mrs. Three-Bloody- Nervous-Breakdowns-a-Day!

Oh, thank you!

[Val] No! No!

-Sorry, four. [chuckles] -Val?

He's only gone and booked two tickets on the Eurostar to Paris!

-What? -Oh, Larry!

-What? -[car horn beeps]

-He's outside! -Outside?

-We're going now! -Now?

-Goodbye! -Oh!

I'm coming! I'm coming, I'm coming!

You're going to Paris now?

He's packed a bag for me. Can you believe it?

-What about your terrible argument? -What?

Oh, never mind that!

It's Paris, Jackie! Paris! [giggles]

Oh, I'm sorry about dinner, love.

[car horn beeps]

I'm coming, Larry!

[laughing]

-Bye, then! -Au revoir!

Thank you, Larry!

Those two, they're so romantic!

Romantic? They're a pair of bloody head cases!

-They are quite up and down. -Oh, but Paris, Martin!

Do you remember when we went to Paris?

Um... Is that when I was sick after eating that cheese?

Glad you remember!

Went all down the back of the radiator.

[Jackie] Val's so lucky.

Imagine just booking a weekend away like that, on a whim.

Oh, they'll have such a lovely time.

-And then come back divorced. -Fingers crossed.

Larry's always doing mad things like that. You know, spontaneously.

Shame he can't spontaneously combust! [laughs]

Well, maybe you could be a bit more spontaneous sometimes.

What are you talking about?

I do spontaneous things, don't I, boys?

You mean like oiling every single hinge in the house?

-On exactly the same day every year? -[Jonny] For the past 10 years.

-[doorbell rings] -That was a quick divorce!

Oh, what's happened now?

Oh, I hope she's okay!

-Well, good night! -[Jackie] Go back to Paris!

-Oh. -I wasn't in Paris, Jackie!

Oh, sorry, Jim, I thought you were...

Oh!

-[cat meows] -You thought I was...

Uh...

-That's a... -Cat.

Yes, Jackie. No, I was just wondering--

-What are you doing with a cat? -It's my brother's.

He asked me to look after it while he's in,

well, not prison, but...

-Right. -And, where's Wilson?

Wilson's at home, watching his little television.

Isn't he?

Look. No, yes, I was just wondering

if you had any milk in the house, only I've run out.

-Uh, sure. Go on, Jonny. -Go on, Pusface.

-[sighs] -[cat meows]

Um, how are you enjoying your cat-sitting?

Cat-sitting?

-Here. -Thank you!

Okay.

That's better!

-Well, best be off. -Um, okay.

Come on, Watson!

-[cat meows] -Watson, come on.

-[cat meows] -[Jackie] Um...

[cat meows]

-Bye, Jim. -Come on, Watson!

Oh, my God.

-Boys... -Martin, Jim just brought a...

-Are you all right? -Huh?

-What's happened? -Nothing's happened.

-Boys, can you come upstairs a second? -Something's happened.

Nothing's bloody happened. Will you come?

-Something definitely happened. -Just bleeding-well come!

-[Jonny] Dad! -[Adam] Argh, Dad!

-[Jackie] Martin! -[Jonny] What are you doing?

-Oi, get off! -[cell phone rings]

Oh, Val!

[Adam] Can you let go now?

-[panting] I'm a dead man. -What have you done?

A dead man!

Oh, my God!

-You've got oil on Mum's carpet! -I've got oil on Mum's carpet.

-[whines] I've got oil on Mum's carpet! -How the hell did you do that?

How do you think I did it?

I dropped the shitting can, didn't I?

Oh, you idiot!

[breathing heavily] Your mother cannot see this!

[Jackie laughing in distance] Oh, Val, you're hilarious!

She will. She will.

Right, cloth. Yes.

And?

-Yes? -Uh, "rub the carpet hard."

Okay.

-Is this hard enough? -Maybe harder?

[grunts]

Oh, no, sorry. "Do not rub the carpet hard,

as this may cause lasting damage."

-What? -They write it so small!

-You shitting clot! -That's it, Dad!

[grunting]

What are we gonna bloody do?

-We'll have to get a man. -A man?

Yes, a man, to clean up this crap.

Where am I gonna find a man?

Uh, local paper?

Man. Man. Man.

How are you gonna get the man into the house without Mum seeing?

Yeah. She does have these things called eyes.

You stupid tit! We'll sneak him in through the garage.

-Then we'll take your mother out. -Out?

Yes, or would you rather stay here

and watch your father having his bollocks chopped off?

-Do you really want us to answer that? -A man!

"Arthur Murray. Cleaning carpets for 40 years."

-Well, call him. -Where are we gonna go?

I don't know. A restaurant?

Yes, a restaurant. Can you call him, please?

-What about our lamb? -Yeah, our lamb!

Oh, shit on the bloody lamb! Just call the sodding man!

-Uh... -Tell him to park his van round the corner

and come in through the garage.

-[Jonny] You won't get rid of that. -Oh, shut your face!

-Hello? Is that Mr. Murray? -Shh!

-In there! -Dad!

I don't want your mother to hear!

Your brother!

Maybe you should just tell Mum what happened.

-You know, tell the truth. -The truth?

When have I ever told your mother the truth, you stupid arsehole!

-All right. God! -[sighs] Come on!

So, what restaurant, then?

We'll have to go somewhere Mum likes.

Oh, well done, Einstein!

-Hurry up! -Ooh! What about Mario's?

-Mario's? -Yeah. It's near, it's nice.

Yeah. Your mum does like Mario's.

So does Adam!

-And he really likes the waitress! -What?

-Yep, he can do it. -Oh, thank Christ!

He didn't seem very happy. He kept saying,

"I've got a cold and haven't had dinner yet."

He sounds good.

He'll be here in 20 minutes. Hundred and fifty quid.

-Hundred and fifty quid? -Yes!

He said at this time of night, it's double.

Double?

Why didn't you bloody haggle?

-Uh, 'cause I don't live in Morocco! -[sighs]

And now we're all going to Mario's.

-Sorry? Mario's? -The restaurant.

You know, that place you do all your stalking.

-You little-- -Right. Call them, book a table.

Sorry, there's no way I'm booking a table at Mario's!

It's all right. I just did it online!

Table for four.

-A restaurant? -Yes.

-When? -Now.

Now? What are you talking about?

Adam, could you open the oven for me, please.

-Sure, Mum. -No. Jackie,

we are going out to eat.

Um, no, we're not! We're having lamb!

All right, what is going on?

Okay, you know you said I never do anything spontaneous?

-[Jackie] Yes. -So, I went and...

spontaneously booked a restaurant.

-[Jackie] Did you? -Yes.

Well, can you spontaneously un-book it, then?

It's Mario's. You like Mario's.

Or we could go to another restaurant.

-Shut up! -But what about the lamb?

You've been nagging me about the lamb all bloody night!

We could have lamb at Mario's.

They do a lovely lamb, don't they, boys?

-Ooh, yeah. Lovely! -Really?

I've always found it a bit bland.

-Well, I do like Mario's. -[Martin] See?

And I could do with a night off, I suppose.

Just what I was thinking.

-And Val is having dinner in Paris. -Exactly.

Aw, you really did that spontaneously?

Of course, I did, Jackie. It's the new spontaneous me!

Aw, Martin! [chuckles]

Isn't your dad a sweetie-pie? [chuckles]

Um, no. He's an awful, awful man.

[Jackie] Just going up to get changed!

Okay, love.

Oh, shit!

-Martin? -You can't go in there.

-What? -[Martin] You can't go in.

-[lock clicks] -[Jackie] What are you...

Can you unlock the door, please? I want to change my top.

But you look fine as you are, doesn't she, boys?

-Um, yeah. Fine! -Fine!

Thank you, but I don't want to look fine, I want to look nice!

You do look nice. In fact, you look the nicest I've ever seen you--

-What's in the bedroom? -What?

What are you hiding in the bedroom?

[laughing] What am I hiding in the bedroom?

-Can you believe it? -Martin?

All right, I am hiding something in the bedroom.

-What? -[Martin] Um...

Boys, would you mind leaving us a moment?

-Uh... -Okay.

Well?

Okay, Jackie, I wanted the bedroom

to be all special for us later, you know?

-"All special"? -[Martin] Mmm.

Special. All nice and ready.

-[Jackie] Ready? -Sex ready.

[Jackie] Oh, you didn't need to say that bit!

[Martin] Sorry, Jackie, but honestly,

it's all extremely romantic in there.

Aw, Martin!

Okay, boys, you can come out now.

Well, if I'm not allowed in the bedroom,

you'll just have to get my top for me.

-Sorry? -The red jumper.

-Really? -Go on, Dad.

[lock clicks]

[Martin shouting angrily]

This?

-That's a towel. -Oh, yeah.

[Martin shouting] Bloody bleeding--

-[Jackie] Look, can't I just-- -Got it!

[sighs] Thank you.

Right, I suppose I'd better get changed in the bathroom.

There, my love.

[groans]

-[lock clicks] -Uh, Dad,

the man will be here in ten minutes.

Great.

Just enough time for me to have a massive heart attack!

Where is he?

-Where is he? -I don't think he's coming, Dad.

-Yeah, shall I fetch the axe? -What?

-For your bollocks? -[laughs]

Idiots!

-There he is! -Quickly!

-Quickly! -[coughing]

Thanks, Mr. Murray. Now, listen--

I'm not happy about parking my van round the corner, you know.

Shh!

It's very late and I've got a lousy cold.

[coughs]

Yeah. I'm sorry. Now, listen, my wife is inside,

if she finds out I ruined her carpet, she will bloody kill me!

How am I gonna clean your carpet without your wife seeing me?

Because we're gonna sneak you in through this door.

-Oh, really? -Yes, then we all go out

and you clean the carpet.

Oh, okay.

-But I'm not very happy about this! -Great. Follow me.

[Mr. Murray coughing]

[Jackie] Martin? Boys?

Shit! Mum! Shit on it! Um...

-In the back of the car. -Really? The car?

-This is gonna cost you double! -I'm already paying you double!

Oh. Double-double.

[Adam] Sorry!

I thought you were here. Shall we go?

We'll be late. I don't want to be late.

Come on!

[Martin moans]

Do you know what? I'm actually really hungry.

I wasn't at all before. Now I'm starving!

Are you gonna sit there like a shtummer, or are we gonna go?

Um... Sure. Let's, um... go.

-[engine starts] -[Mr. Murray sneezes]

Bless you.

[both] Thank you.

Come on, Mum.

Just a minute. Wait for your dad.

Ah, he's okay.

Martin, are you getting out?

I have to check something in the car.

Now? Oh, it's freezing!

No, it's very important, Jackie. It's the...

central rotary combustion manifold.

-The what? -[cell phone rings]

Oh, Val, again!

[in French accent] Madame Valerie?

[Mr. Murray] I'm not very happy about this!

Get down, you idiot! Keep down!

Can't wait to meet your girlfriend!

-[Adam] Jonny! -[laughs]

I'm sorry, but I'm getting out of this car right now!

Okay, I'll pay you double.

You're already paying me double-double-double.

Then I'll pay you double-double-double.

-[groans] -Look, car key, front door key,

bedroom key.

Take the car back to the house, clean the carpet,

then bring the car back here, okay?

Take your car and then bring it back here? Then what?

I walk home? I've had a bloody hip replacement, you know!

Please, Mr. Murray! I'm a dead man!

Okay, I'll take the car back to yours and I'll clean the carpet,

but I am not driving back here.

All right! Bloody hell! Leave the car in the garage, then!

-I still haven't had my dinner. -Eat anything you want.

Eat the banisters, for all I care!

Just clean the frigging carpet!

[sneezes]

Shitting shit!

Okay, love. Bon voyage! [laughs]

-There you are! -Sorry, love. All done.

What, the central manifold?

-Val's almost at the Eurostar. -Is she?

[chuckling]

-[Jonny] Mum. -What?

Adam's in love with a waitress here.

-Jonny! -Is he?

-No! No, I'm not! -He's just too scared to talk to her.

[screams]

-[laughs] -Pissface!

-Boys! -Butter-fingers!

Now I have to clean this crap up! Bastard!

-Ow! -Oh, you stupid berks!

[chuckles]

So, go on, Jonny, which one is she?

Uh... okay.

[gasps] That one.

-Really? -Yeah. He's mad about her.

That's his female?

Hi. Good evening. Would you like some bread to start?

Oh, hello. I'm Jackie, by the way. What's your name?

Linda.

Linda. Oh, that's a lovely name, isn't it? Lovely!

Do you have a boyfriend?

-[Jackie] Martin! -Sorry?

Excuse my husband. [chuckles]

-Maybe I'll wait for your other guest. -Here he is.

Hi, Pusface!

What?

Well, say something!

Sorry?

-Go on! -Yeah, go on!

Um, excuse my weird family.

[all laughing]

-What is going on? -So, do you live round here?

Yeah, not too far.

Oh. Did you hear that, Adam? Not too far.

One minute.

[screams]

Um, maybe I'll leave you to look at the menus.

-You little shit! -What?

She seemed nice. Okay, she's a little bit older.

-That's not the girl I fancy! -Isn't it?

No! That's the girl!

-Oh, God. -And here we go!

Um, can I help?

Um, no. Sorry, I was just--

-Is everything okay? -Yes, sorry about before.

We just got a little mixed up.

That's okay.

You see, we thought my son was in love with you,

but he's actually in love with you.

-Uh... -Aren't you?

Martin Goodman.

The most embarrassing meal of all time.

It was, wasn't it?

Why didn't you talk to the girl, Bobble?

Uh, 'cause I was too busy thinking of ways to murder my family.

Lovely.

The man hasn't answered my texts.

If he hasn't done the bleedin' carpet...

-Uh, Martin. -Yes, my dear?

Where's your car?

Uh...

I just don't understand why you won't call the police.

It's your car, Martin, your car!

And I keep telling you, Jackie, it'll turn up. Cars always do.

-Do they? -Yes.

Um...

Martin, what is your car doing here?

-[Martin] What? -How is your car here?

See? I told you it would turn up.

But... Oh, there's Jim. And Val?

He was meant to put it in the bloody garage!

So, what do you reckon, Dad?

-Nice clean carpet? -Or bye-bye, bollocks?

Oh, God!

I was just popping round to see if you had any more milk

when I found your friend here, sobbing her heart out.

Oh, Val, I thought you were going to Paris?

Jackie, we had such a terrible argument.

All about the euro.

[sobs]

-[cat meows] -That's a cat.

Lads!

-[Jackie] Martin? -Move it!

Oh, dear God, please, please!

He did it! Oh! Sweet joy!

Sweet bloody joy!

Dad!

Now to make the room all romantic. Uh...

Uh, potpourri.

Um...

Done!

[Jonny] Dad...

-Come on! -Dad.

What?

What's he doing here? Mr. Murray?

[Jonny] Why is he not answering?

You don't think he's...

Dead!

-God! -God!

I can't believe it!

He said he had a bad cold, but...

[Jonny] Must have been a really bad cold!

Well, that's just my luck!

-What? -I book a man to clean the carpet,

he ends up bloody dying on it!

-[Jonny] Dad! -[Martin] Oh, thank you.

Thank you very much!

-Uh... -Oh, my God!

What am I gonna tell your mother, huh?

What am I gonna tell your bleedin' mother?

[Jackie] Martin?

-Shit! Shit! -[footsteps approaching]

What are you doing? Val's in absolute pieces down there!

Well?

Let's go to Paris!

[♪ theme music playing]