Original subtitles

[♪ theme music playing]

[Adam] You mean you actually paid money for that?

Can we stop talking about my hair, now, please?

What style did you ask for?

-Tosser. -Oh, that style.

-[Jackie] That's it, Mum. -Hi.

-Hi, boys. -Hello.

-What's going on? -Grandma's going to a party.

I'm going to a party.

-Dressed like that? -Shh.

Jackie, are you sure that I look all right?

Yes, Mum. You look lovely.

-Like an old prostitute. -[Jonny chuckles]

I hope there's nice men there.

-[chuckling] -[Adam] God.

-Well, bye, Mum. -[engine starts]

Topless massage starts at £60.

-[Grandma] Bye-bye. -Oh, Mum, have you got your phone?

Yes, and my rape alarm.

-[groaning] -[laughs]

At least she's prepared.

Please change the subject.

-Jonny's hair? -Thank you.

-[Martin] Hello, bambinos. -[both] Hi, Dad.

-[Martin] Oi, turn the light on! -What style did you ask for?

-I believe they call it tosser. -[laughs]

[Jonny] Don't touch it.

[Martin] Turn the shitting light on!

[chuckles]

And hair we go.

-Pissface? -Huh?

What are you...

Wait, the...

-The table's set for five. -Oh, yeah.

Oh, don't tell me there's a bloody guest.

Yes, there's a bloody guest.

-[both] Mum! -What?

That means we have to talk to someone else!

Why didn't you tell us we'd have to talk to someone else?

Because if I'd have told you

-you wouldn't come. -Correct.

-Farewell. -Stupid gits.

-Sorry? -Well, thanks to you,

my bloody hearing aid went down the toilet.

-Dad! -Martin!

-Horrible haircut. -Thank you.

Why is Dad dressed like Oscar Wilde?

-You've noticed, have you? -I want to make an impression.

-A terrible impression? -[laughs]

-[Adam] Impression for who? -Dad's friend's coming.

[both] Dad's friend?

What do you mean, "Dad's friend"?

Dad doesn't have friends.

-That's a horrible thing to say. -Yes, I do.

We're not being nasty, but Mum has friends.

-You don't have friends. -Yeah, Dad.

Rubbish, I have friends.

All right, name one.

-What about dead Neil? -How about living friends?

You know, ones that haven't had funerals?

Okay, the one that's coming tonight, then.

-And his name is? -Bet he doesn't remember.

What was the name of my friend again?

See? Tony.

Tony, that's it. My friend's called Tony.

-You sound very close. -Inseparable.

-We were in digs together. -And in English?

They shared a flat at university.

[muffled] University.

That's flour you're eating.

-I know. -And you've got it

-all over Val's watch! -Oh, bloody Val.

-Just got it mended for her! -Should get her mended.

-[towel whipping] -Ow!

I'll be in the hall, hanging myself.

So, how come you've never mentioned this Tony fellow before?

What are you talking about, "never mentioned him"?

He was one of the two Tonys.

The two Tonys?

-[Martin] Yeah. -Sorry, the two Tonys?

You know, the two Tonys.

When I was at Leeds, I lived with two boys called Tony.

-Boys? -All right, males.

-Males? -Tony Sampson

and Tony Michaels, who's coming tonight.

-Terrific chap. -Terrific male.

You know, he could impersonate the sound of any car engine.

-That's useful. -And the other Tony?

Oh, he was a right tit.

Told crap jokes and blinked too slowly.

-Blinked too slowly? -[Martin] So annoying.

How is that annoying?

[speaking slowly] 'Cause he talked like this the whole time.

Oh, yeah. That is annoying.

But Tony Michaels, you give him any engine,

well, apart from Italian cars, could never do Italian cars.

-We'll bear that in mind. -Haven't seen him for 30 years.

Got in touch via the computer.

-Also known as e-mail. -[chuckles]

-I do hope we still get on. -Of course you'll still get on.

I'm suddenly all nervous. [chuckles nervously]

[chuckles] Don't be so soppy.

-Thanks, love. -[doorbell rings]

Oh, my God! It's Tony! It's Tony at the door!

-Tony's here! -It's okay, Martin. Calm down!

[Martin] Yeah, calm down. Calm down.

[muffled] Calm down.

[doorbell rings]

-Well, open it. -I don't look too old, do I?

-For what? -Intercourse with the man?

[groaning]

Martin Goodman, as I live and breathe!

[chuckles]

Shall I come in, or are you closed on Fridays? [chuckles]

Sorry, won't be a moment, Tony. You just take a seat.

-[chuckling] Why, don't you want it? -[chuckles awkwardly]

Do help yourself to a nut.

I'm nutty about nuts. [laughs]

Please tell me you haven't done what I think you've done.

-It's the wrong Tony. -Oh, Martin!

-[Jonny] The wrong Tony? -The wrong Tony?

Why are you such a--

What am I going to do? That's bloody Tony Michaels.

You said you liked Tony Michaels.

No, I thought he was Tony Sampson.

I must have got their shitting surnames mixed up.

-What? -Tony Michaels got in touch.

I thought he was the one I liked and Tony Sampson

-was the one I didn't like. -Right.

But it was Tony Michaels I didn't like and Tony Sampson I did like.

-You forgot who you liked? -Yes.

So, you invited the one you didn't like?

Yes, that's bloody blink face, isn't it?

So, I've just spent all day

making dinner for a man you can't stand?

[sniffs] Toilet?

Oh, you are such a bleeding idiot!

-You really are. -Well, don't blame me.

Blame my brain.

So, what are we going to do?

-We? We're off. -See ya!

You are not going anywhere. You are going to stay here

and see this terrible, awful, terrible night through.

[both] But, Mum!

Maybe we could say there's been a mix-up or something.

Good idea. "Sorry, you're not the right Tony.

-You're the Tony our dad hates." -Yes. We'll do that.

[Tony] Uh, anyone still alive? [laughs]

[Jackie laughing awkwardly] Coming!

Okay, we'll just have to go out there and be...

-pleasant. -Pleasant?

-Come on! -[Martin sighs]

And I wanted the man who did the engines.

I thought you were all trying to escape! [laughs]

No, just doing your flowers.

Doing my flowers? Oh, sounds painful. [laughs]

Once again, lovely to see you, Tony.

And does that mean I go now? [laughs]

Please?

-Martin, why don't you sit down? -What?

-Yes, next to your friend. -Yeah, your friend.

Ah.

-So-- -"Sew," as the dressmaker said

to the bishop. [laughs]

Um, you sure I can't take your bag?

Uh, no, thank you, Jackie. I need somewhere to keep me gun. [laughs]

Tony, did you know our dad's been talking about you all week?

Nothing that'll get me arrested, I hope! [laughs]

It's been pretty much nonstop, hasn't it, Mum?

Oh, yes. Nonstop.

Oh, it's really smashing to see you again, mate.

After all these years!

And, now, here you are!

Your lovely house with your lovely wife and your two sons.

I tell you, someone left university, got straight down to bedroom business.

Leeds University!

Yeah.

Uh, Jackie, do you mind if I use your little girls' room?

What? Oh, of course. It's just out there, on the right.

Thank you.

Don't miss me too much. [chuckles]

-Tit. -Tit.

-Okay, will you please stop it? -Stop what?

What are you talking about?

This is a shitting nightmare!

-Not for us, it's not. -Nope. It's like a beautiful dream.

I can't have bloody tortoise-blink in my house.

-I've got to get rid of him. -He seems... all right.

-He seems all wrong. -Jackie, I don't like him, okay?

-No one liked him. -Why not?

Oh, I don't know. It was a long time ago.

People used to say things about him.

-What things? -I can't remember, can I?

[whispering] He wasn't like a pedophile or something?

-Of course he wasn't a pedophile. -A Nazi?

-Jonny! -A Nazi pedophile?

-[doorbell rings] -That'll be Val for her watch.

-Go on, boys. -Great night.

[Jonny groans]

Ooh!

-[stutters] Hello, boys. -[both] Hi, Jim.

-Is your mother in? -Um, she's a bit busy at the moment.

It is an emergency situation.

Is it?

[both sighing] Mum!

Hi, Val.

-Val? -Oh, hello, Jim.

[Adam] It's an emergency situation.

-Everything all right, Jim? -Not really, Jackie.

It's just, my oven's broken.

-Right. -Wilson ate the knobs.

Oh, dear. So...

Would you mind cooking this little bit of fish for me?

-Little? -Really, Jim?

Yes. If we don't cook it tonight, Jackie, it'll go all bad,

-and then it'll get infested with weevils. -Weevils?

Okay. How do you like it?

-Normal, just sugar and butter. -[Tony] Oh!

[chuckles] Do I smell something fishy?

Hello again. Jim, this is Tony.

-[Jackie] He's an old friend of-- -Psst!

Um, one second, Tony.

Yes, one second, Tony.

Not you.

[Tony] Oh, a horse! [laughs]

-Jackie! -Great, so, now I'm cooking a whale.

-With sugar and butter. -Normal.

-Jackie! -[Jackie] What do you want?

-I've got an idea. -About what?

What do you mean, "About what"?

-About how to get rid of pillock face. -[Jackie groans]

What are you going to do? Pretend to have a stroke or something?

-How did you know? -[Jackie] Martin!

You are not going to pretend to have a bloody stroke!

-Found you! -[chuckles]

Oh, what a lovely dog.

-I've just had him with chips. [chuckles] -[chuckles awkwardly]

Tony, um, I'm really sorry, but, uh...

something terrible has just happened.

Don't tell me the Pope's had twins again? [laughs]

Oh, well, what's happened?

We've just had a phone call...

Jackie's mother's died.

My God.

She's completely dead.

I really am so, so sorry.

Oh, that's okay, Tony.

Yeah, that's okay, Tony.

[Tony] It's so awful for you, Jackie.

How did she die?

-Tell him, Dad. -[Jonny] Go on.

She...

-fell. -She fell?

-[Jackie] Mm-hmm. -Oh, dear.

-Down seven flights of stairs. -[chuckles]

She had seven flights of stairs in her house?

-It was a big house. -Very big house.

-In Florida. -[Tony] Florida's so far away.

I know.

I just don't know what to say.

Well, I suppose you'll probably be wanting to get off now, Tony.

What, and leave you here like this?

-Yeah, but-- -If it's any consolation, Jackie,

I lost my mother some months ago, and...

And, my God, do I miss her every second of every day!

[sobs]

-[moans] -[Jackie mouthing]

Come now, Tony. It's okay, it's okay.

[sniffs] No, I've got to be strong tonight.

I've got to be here for you.

All of you.

Oh, thank you, Tony.

I'll pop the kettle on.

-Good one, Dad. -Great work.

-My mother died? -[sniffs]

-Hmm? -How could you say my mother died?

Well, I had to say something, didn't I?

-No, you didn't. -Why didn't you say your mother died?

Uh, because my mother's already dead.

Oh, no, she's still living, I forget.

-Seven flights of stairs? -What about it?

-She lives in a bungalow! -All right, so I said the wrong thing.

The wrong thing?

Now we'll have to spend the whole bloody night "grieving"!

Look, I'm sorry, okay? My brain must have--

-Will you stop blaming your bloody brain? -All right, I'll sort it out.

-God! I'll just say-- -Martin, do not say another bloody--

Won't be long.

Just brewing.

[whimpers] Thank you.

Actually, Tony, it wasn't seven flights of stairs.

It was six.

Nonsense, Jackie.

What you need, what you all need, is a good hot meal.

I am only too happy to help.

-Thank you. -Yeah.

Sorry, Martin, mate.

Um, yes, I was just saying, they're flying the body over tomorrow

and then we have to collect it from the military airport.

-Military airport? -No. Normal airport.

-I think we need some more vegetables. -Oh, no, no, no.

I'll do it. Reporting for vegetable service, ma'am.

[chuckles]

Definitely getting tittier.

-[doorbell rings] -[Tony] I'll get it.

Oh, God, who's that?

-Hopefully a man with a machete. -[Jim] Hello, all!

-Oh, Jim. -Oh, shit.

And I haven't cooked his bloody fish.

Shame. That would have solved everything.

-[Martin groaning] -Martin, do you have to eat like a pig?

Jackie, the quicker we eat, the quicker he'll go.

-It's your neighbor. -Friend.

-Hi, Jim. -Jackie, I've only just heard

-your terrible news. -Have you?

Wilson and I send our deepest... Deepest commiserations.

-Don't we, Wilson? -Thanks, Jim.

If it makes you feel any better,

my father also fell to his death.

-What? Oh, God. I'm sorry. -He fell from a towel.

A towel?

No, not towel, tower.

He fell from a tower?

What was he doing up a tower?

Not much, mostly just falling off it.

-Right. -I still have his watch.

Have you? Oh, that's...

nice.

Uh... I think that now maybe's not the best time...

Yeah, cos of, you know...

Your mother who plummeted to her death?

-Yes, Jim. -I understand.

Come on, Wilson.

Oh, Jackie, did you by any chance

manage to cook my little fishy?

-Little fishy? -Um, not yet.

Of course. It's just that, you know...

-The weevils. -The weevils.

Come on, Wilson.

Come on.

I'm telling you now, Martin, I can't take much more of this.

-Oh, I can. -Me too. Much more.

-What a nice chap. -Very.

[Tony] Actually, if you don't mind, Jackie,

I've been thinking perhaps I could say a little prayer

for your mother, um, if that's all right.

-Um-- -Thank you.

Oh, God, who art in heaven...

please have mercy upon the soul of...

Sorry, Jackie, what was your mother's name?

-Um, Nellie Buller. -[Tony] What a lovely name.

Nellie Buller. May you guide her, may you look over her

and may you comfort all those who knew her...

[groans] Oh! God!

♪ Oh, Lord, we thank you ♪

♪ For the life Of our beautiful grandmother ♪

♪ She was such a kind lady ♪

♪ And we loved her so much ♪

♪ She was so wonderful ♪ [clicks fingers]

♪ And tender too ♪

Come on!

-I'm sorry. [cries] -Jackie...

Well, finish the song.

[sniffling] It's just all too much, the sympathy, the prayers.

It's like she really died.

I know, love, I know.

[voice wavering] I'm very emotional right now.

I understand, Jackie. I'm-- [sighs]

It's an emotional time for anyone, the death of a parent.

Martin, you do know my mother hasn't actually died?

Yeah, of course I do. Um...

But if you could just keep this thing going

-just a tiny bit longer, then... -What?

-Auntie Val's here. -Really?

-Oh, bloody Val. -You didn't say anything about Grandma,

-did you? -[Adam] No.

But Dad's non-friend did.

-Great. -And now she's crying.

I can't believe it.

I only saw her last week. She seemed fine.

Oh, Jackie, I'm so sorry.

It's okay, love.

Seven flights of stairs.

-Actually, it was six. -[chuckles]

Why is he laughing?

-Nerves. -Nerves.

-Maybe we should... -Of course, love, of course.

Wait! I thought your mother lived in a bungalow.

-She moved. -[Val] What? When did she move?

Why don't you guys just have a sit down?

Time to reflect and all that. I'll just finish clearing up.

-Really? -Oh, "Absolution,"

said the bishop to the priest. [chuckles]

-[door closing] -He may be a tit, but he's a helpful tit.

Very helpful tit.

Your mother's really not very happy with me at the moment.

[scoffs] I wonder why.

Because I told the man her mother died, you moron!

God, Adam!

Maybe I should have just said she was paralyzed.

-Yeah, that would have been much better. -Or lost an arm, or something.

What a nice thought.

-Hello, boys. -Um, hi, Auntie Val.

Hi, Auntie Val.

Um, would you like another tissue, Valerie?

You do know Jackie is in bits up there?

Sorry to disturb you.

I-- I was just thinking that, um, maybe it's best if I go now.

Well, goodbye, Tony.

-Oh. -Thanks so much for coming. [chuckles]

-What's going on? -Tony's going.

-Really? -Uh, yeah, Jackie, I think it's best.

-It's best. -Martin!

Oh, such a shame.

Are you sure you won't stay a bit longer?

-Thanks, but... -Or a lot longer?

Tony's very tired.

Well, thank you so much, Tony, for everything.

No, no, don't thank me. Thank my psychiatrist. [laughs]

Uh, and don't forget your precious bag.

Oh, oh, yes, yes, and my precious gun. [laughs] Hey!

No, seriously, I'm just so sorry

that it's been such a tough night for all of you.

Thanks, uh, Tony, and goodbye, me old mate. [sighs]

Oh, hello! [chuckles] I was just about to ring the bell.

I've had such a lovely evening. A man said I had beautiful skin.

Oh, hello.

-I don't think I know you. -I'm Tony, Tony Michaels.

Oh, nice to meet you, Tony. I'm--

Mrs. Whittaker.

-Sorry? -Mrs. Whittaker. This is Mrs. Whittaker.

Well, hello there, Mrs. Whittaker.

-She lives down the road, don't you? -The road?

-Right, well, Tony... -I'm Mrs. Whittaker?

-[both] Yes. -Yes, she forgets things sometimes.

-Um, Tony-- -What's happening?

-Um... -It's all right, love, um...

Jackie's mother sadly died tonight, so...

Died? I'm not dead.

-I'm sorry? -Okey dokey.

-I'm not dead, am I, Jackie? -No, Mum!

Oh. Right.

I see. Yeah. I get it.

-Tony... -What is going on?

Thanks, Martin. Yeah.

-Thank you very much. -Tony, please.

I thought you were my friend.

Oh, well done, Jackie.

-I'm sorry? -Well, it was all going

so smoothly until you opened your mouth.

Smooth-- Smoothly?

-I'm getting a drink. -Me too.

-You're blaming me? Me? -[Grandma] Am I still Mrs. Whittaker?

No, Mum! I can't believe you, Martin!

-[Adam] Um, Mum? -What?

-Where are the candlesticks? -What?

-The candlesticks have gone. -The candlesticks have gone?

What do you mean, the candlesticks have gone?

[Adam] They're not there.

Oh, I remember what they used to say about Tony.

How can they be gone?

-He was a thief! -What?

I'm sorry?

-I knew I'd remember! -Is everything all right?

Yes, he used to steal from everyone!

-Adam, check the living room. -Okay, Mum.

-Jonny, check the kitchen. -[Jonny] All right.

Val, take my mother through to the living room,

-will you? -Sure, love. Come on, Nellie.

And, Martin, you do know that I will murder you later?

What, my brain!

Mum, he's taken the gold clock.

-The gold clock? -Shit on it!

-And Auntie's watch. -Oh, shit on it!

We tell him my poor mother dies and this is what he does to us?

-[doorbell rings] -[groans]

No, it's a terrible time, Jim.

I just wondered if you'd cooked my--

The guy who was here was a thief, okay?

Keep looking, everyone.

Oh, dear. Did he take my fishy?

Oh, pigs' bosoms, my wallet's gone!

-And mine! -And mine!

-Right, I'm calling the police. -So soon after

your mother's horrific death.

Uh, yes.

-What's that? -Pudding.

Right. Police, please.

-Jackie-- -Not now, Jim.

I did see the man in his car, just now.

I'll hold.

He'd just broken down in the road.

-What? -He's just next door.

Wrong number. Right, I'm having that.

You're not going to hit him round the head with it, are you?

No. I'm going to shove it up his arsehole.

Oh, I'm definitely watching this.

-Yes, please. -Boys, be careful.

-Oh, God! -Jackie, wait!

What's going on?

[gasps] Phantom!

Just get off me!

Shitting, slow-blinking, thieving bastard!

-Get off me! -Keep still!

-Dad! -What are you doing?

Pass me the pineapple.

-Dad! -Martin!

[screaming] Pass me the pineapple!

[♪ theme music playing]