Original subtitles

Careful of my hair.

-It's okay, Grandma. -Careful.

Pass me your handbag.

Be careful of my nails.

Be careful.

Here's your dress.

Be careful of my dress! Be careful of my dress!

I am being careful.

-Be careful... -Of your fingers...

Now, remember, brave face.

Brave face.

-Brave face.

Here comes the bride!

Careful, careful.

- Careful. - Careful.

Boys!

- You look nice. -We look like tits.

Hello, Mum! Or should I say...

..."the bride to be"?

-She's nervous. - Right.

-Has Dad had his brain reprogrammed? -Pardon?

Martin, you can relax now.

Hello, bambinos!

Be careful!

-Put it down there. -Okay.

- Careful. -Please.

I hope she's all right.

So, go on, how was she?

Ten-minute drive. Two toilet breaks.

Really?

One at the garage, and one behind a hedge.

-A hedge? -Quite a low hedge.

- Blimey. -Yes, blimey.

Someone tell me how we're going to get through today.

-Heroin? -Please.

-Don't worry, love, it'll be fine. -It won't be fine!

My mother is marrying Mr Morris, the worst man in the world.

-The universe. -Not if she suddenly comes out

as a lesbian.

-Nice image. -Martin, for the hundredth time,

my mother will not be suddenly coming out as a lesbian.

-Well, then we're buggered! -Thank you.

-Jesus! My God!

Hello.

Okay, love.

See you soon. Val.

She's doing Grandma's make up.

Could that phone be any louder? Oh, it's so your Dad can hear it.

-It's so I can hear it. -And can you?

Well, when it rings, I'll let you know.

-Perfect. - Hello, everyone?

Okay, brave face, everyone, brave face.

Brave face.

I feel much better now.

There's smoked salmon, and cream cheese.

-It's lovely, Jackie. -Amazing.

-Leave it. -Yeah, leave it.

- Boys!

Skill McGill!

And, you know, people can just help themselves...

Really lovely.

Another sherry, please.

-Another one? -You haven't had your breakfast yet.

Another sherry.

Okay, but we don't want you conking out before the wedding.

- Here. -Your 08:00 a.m. sherry

coming right up, madam.

Oh, Mum,

I wonder what Mr Morris is doing right now.

-Masturbating? -What?

I bet he's sitting there

with a nice glass of sherry, just like you,

thinking all about the big day.

-Whilst masturbating.

Yes, well he's a...

A very thoughtful person.

-Is he? -Is he?

Oh, yes.

One time he...

Well, go on.

No, I can't remember when he was thoughtful.

-Well? -Oh, my God!

-How do I look? -Just like me and Adam, a tit.

-Stop it. -The third tit.

Ignore them, Martin. -You look really-- -Tittish.

Handsome.

Aw! Doesn't Martin look handsome, Mum?

In a way.

Excellent.

Oh, Mum, can we have a quick word?

-Yeah. - What?

What?

Mum, help yourself.

And no more sherry!

I hope she'll be all right, what do you want?

-You know what we want. -Do we have to wear these clothes?

You know you do.

-It's what Mr Morris-- -Little Miss Hitler...

...wanted you to wear, okay?

-But we look like little twins. - Stop it.

Little pimps.

Martin, tell them they look all right, will you?

-Do I look like a pimp? -No. No one looks like a pimp!

-I better not look like a pimp!

Where are you going?

Look, I really don't have time for this now.

We're not page boys, are we?

-Of course not. -We better not be page boys.

Right, can I go now?

-I look like a pimp!

Oh, you wanna buy a piece of ass?

-Goodbye. -Goodbye.

-Oh!

Oh, don't you look snazzy!

So do you, sexy lady!

-Are you all right? - I'm being a pimp.

Oh. Very nice.

Whoa! Shake your booty!

Yeah, not right now, Martin. How's Jackie?

The usual.

Thank you, Martin.

Hello, love. Today's the day!

I know. I'll be all right.

-Hi, Auntie Val. -Hi.

Hi, boys! Oh, don't they look sweet, like two little page boys.

See!

Like two very adult, grown-up men.

Where's the blushing bride?

Mum!

Mum! She won't be long.

She's just finishing off her 80th barrel of alcohol.

Hello, Valerie.

Oh, hello, Mrs Buller.

-Mazel tov! -Thank you.

Come to make me look beautiful,

-have you? -Don't be silly.

You don't look a day over 21!

Oh, and you don't look a day over 55.

Oh.

-Is she 55? - No, Mum, she's 49.

She looks older.

Sorry, Val, she's a bit, erm...

What... Oh! You shit!

-Skill McGill! -What happened?

He just put bloody water down my pants!

-Someone's had an accident! -Stupid wazzocks!

You better not have ruined his suit!

Sorry, Mum. Can you calm down? Look...

Can everyone, please calm down. It is Grandma's sodding wedding!

Okay, so...

Death by phone.

-Hello? What?

Oh, yes... Thanks, thank you.

Mum, your car will be here

-in an hour, so... -An hour?

All right, Mrs Buller, let's get your little skates on.

Martin, help Val, would you?

I'd help that sweet piece of ass anytime.

-Please stop doing that. -Please stop doing that.

-I'm soaking... -Aw. Shame.

-Oh, get that would you? - Yes, miss.

Come on, Mum.

-Good morning, gentlemen. -Hi, Mr Morris.

Found a parking space, did you?

Er... She's not around is she?

-She? -The woman.

It's very bad luck to see the woman before the wedding.

Er... No, the woman's upstairs.

Well, come outside then, come on.

What?

Layabouts.

Now then, I've got something I want to give your grandmother.

A noose?

It's something very precious.

And I'd like her to wear it at the wedding.

-Oh, right. That's nice of you. -Yeah.

You do know you're taking me to the synagogue today?

Are we?

I don't want you looking like a pair of punk rockers.

Tuck your shirt in.

What? Thank you for the sexual assault.

And you, do your top button up.

No one wants to see your scrawny, turkey neck.

All right! What about you?

What about me? I'm in my comfies.

Your comfies?

Listen, when I'm in my full regalia,

I shall look like a prince, I tell you. A prince!

Okay.

Just a minute.

Have you soiled yourself?

-What? -He has soiled himself.

That's all I need, a bottom soiler.

You better not start soiling your bottom when you enter the house of God.

Okay, I'll try not to, Mr Morris.

I'm a pillar of the community.

Pillock of the community.

-I beg your pardon? -See you later!

I do know what you're doing!

-Oh, isn't that beautiful. -Isn't it?

Actually, it is pretty.

I told you he was a thoughtful man.

Read the note.

Oh.

-"Dear Nelly..." -Oh!

"Dear Nelly."

"Please accept this necklace as a token

of my affection on our wedding day."

"On our wedding day." Oh!

I'm so excited now!

"It would truly mean the world to me if you would wear it."

Of course, I'll wear it, Lou.

"Even though the necklace originally belonged to my dead wife....

and she wore it every day of her life."

I thought I'd seen it before.

"Try not to think of her when you put it on.

Think only of me,

and not me being with her,

which I was, for 60 years.

Yours, Lou."

What a thoughtful, thoughtful man.

-And you checked the car's coming? -Yes.

-You've spoken to the Rabbi? -Yes.

-You put bleach in the loos. -Yes, after I'd had a sip.

Lovely.

-There. -You look gorgeous, Jackie.

Like a million, billion dollars.

You're not being a pimp again, are you?

Baby, once a pimp, always a pimp.

Martin!

Do you think she's going to be all right?

- Who? -Lady Gaga. Who do you think?

-Oh, she'll be fine. -Really?

Well, look at you, you're fine, aren't you?

What's that supposed to mean?

I don't know, really. I just thought I should say...

-some words. -Some words, very helpful.

We have a good marriage, don't we?

What? Of course, we do.

-And you know I love you. -Yes, of course.

-And? -And?

I say, "I love you," and you say...

Oh, sorry. Likewise.

-Likewise? -I love you, likewise.

I love you likewise, too.

Actually, you could have just used the word, "similarly."

-Mum?

- Yes? -Grandma's crying.

Oh.

Boys, who's Lady Gaga?

-Mummy?

-Oh, Jackie. -Are you all right?

I'm okay, dolly. I'm okay.

What are you do...

Oh, Mum.

I wonder what Sidney is thinking of me now.

Don't be silly.

I'm sure Dad's really...

-...happy for you. -Really?

I am doing the right thing, aren't I?

-What? -Marrying Lou.

As long as you're happy, and sure.

Yes.

You are sure, aren't you, Mummy?

We've run out of bog roll!

Sorry.

That's when that donkey bit Sidney on the chin!

-Mum, do you remember that donkey? -I do.

It did not like your father.

No.

It did its toilet all over him.

-Yeah.

Right.

Time to get re-married.

Hello, Jackie, you look nice.

Hi, Jim.

I thought you were the car.

You thought I was a car?

Is it important? You know we're really busy...

Yes, of course, getting ready to go to the mosque.

- Erm... - Synagogue.

Oh, yes. No, we wanted to give your mother

a little something for her nuptials.

- Oh! -Wilson.

Okay.

Remain.

Erm...

Blimey.

-Er… Thanks, Jim. -Yeah.

What is it?

It's an original 18th century 24-piece porcelain tea set.

Is it?

Yes, it's been in the family for years,

used to belong to Marie Antoinette.

-Really? -Yes, I was going to donate it

to the British Museum...

-Oh! Oh!

Oh, dear.

-Hurry up, Val. - I'm nearly there.

Where is the car? It's meant to be here...

Well, hurry up.

-Calm down, Jackie.

Sorry, I can't calm down.

Well, why don't you take your hot ass in the kitchen

and make me a hot cup of tea?

Ladies and gentlemen,

may I present our beautiful bride.

Well, what do you think?

-Careful! -Mum, let me help a little.

Careful of my hair! Careful of my hair!

-That's it, Nelly! - Careful of my dress!

Careful of my dress!

Try and find your mother some heroin.

Right. Time to get the lunatic.

I wonder if this is the right house?

Once again, excellent parking skills.

Excellent.

-Please be lying dead on the floor. -In a pool of blood.

-Don't come in. -Thank you.

-All in white. -The Prince!

Right.

-What's so funny? - Nothing.

-What's with the bin bag? -You'll see.

Recycling Grandma.

No, no, no. We're not going in that.

- Really? -We're going in this.

Are we?

It's my wedding day and I wish to travel in my own vehicle.

-The Deathmobile. -Now, come on, get your legs in that.

-What? -I'm not having

you soiling your grubby bottom in my car.

Now come on, get your legs in.

Great idea. Go on, Adam.

God.

That's it. Ah, that's it!

-Good. -Ooh! Nice fit!

-Now get in. -Go on, Pusface, hop in.

And no soiling!

Oh, come on!

Can you drive any slower?

Silence!

-Finally! -Wait!

Have you soiled yourself?

Not yet, Mr Morris.

-Good boy. -Yes, good boy.

Oh, get off!

You're late! Where the bleeding hell have you been?

Average speed of vehicle, 1.5 miles per hour.

Bloody thing!

Right, where's the woman?

-You were in a bin bag. -I was in a bin bag.

-The stupid berks are here. -There you are.

-Where have you... -Sorry, have we got any time

-to buy a crossbow? -Or make one?

-Come on! -Wait, Martin.

What? Oh, yes.

Erm...

I need to tell you something, but please don't kill me.

Okay.

-You are page boys. -What?

- Sorry! -I bloody knew it!

I didn't want to tell you earlier, sorry.

But it'll be fine, just fine.

-Coming, Mummy. - Mum!

Great. We're page boys.

-Little page boys. -Oh, stop fussing.

All you have to do is walk behind your grandma and hold up her dress.

Hold up her dress?

-It's an honour. -Yes. For three-year-old girls!

Erm... Mr Goodman?

Chin up, lads.

Oh, pissing shit-buckets!

Shalom.

I wish that stupid git would play something we bleeding know.

Here she comes.

Hmm.

Page boys.

Little page boys.

This is really happening.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

Hello, Lou. How do I look?

Like you, only more done up.

Ladies and gentlemen, family and friends,

what a wonderful, truly beautiful occasion

-we have before us here today. -Literally hell.

Nelly and Lou,

-in the very prime of their life... -One way of putting it.

...finding true love again,

and declaring it here today before God.

Speak up! Speak up!

-I said finding true love. -Oh, that. "Love."

It is plain to see that the Lord Almighty, HaShem,

has truly blessed these two very special people here today.

Wouldn't you agree?

No!

No, Wilson. No!

Oh, I'm sorry...

Your Majesty. Where do dogs sit?

No dogs!

No Wilsons!

Yes. Mm-hm!

Place the ring on Nelly's finger, Lou, and repeat after me.

Shalom. Sorry. Shalom.

Have they done the sacrifice yet?

Allow them to sustain and nourish you both,

as you enter this holy covenant with God.

And now for the moment you've all been waiting for.

-Dreading. -The wedding vows.

Do you, Lou Anthony Morris,

-enter into this holy covenant... -Please, Lord, let him die.

-Please die. -Heart attack.

Liver failure.

-...to be your wife? -I do.

Shit on it.

- Thank you, Lou. Wonderful. - Shit on it.

That's my bits done. Your go now.

Do you, Nelly Rachel Buller...

-No, Grandma. -Please...

...enter into this holy covenant of affection and truth...

and take Lou Anthony Morris to be your husband?

Nelly?

Well, get on with it!

I... I...

I...

- Mum? Mummy? -Mrs Buller?

- Mummy? - Grandma?

What's going on?

- Mummy! Mummy? - Nelly?

Grandma?

Mummy, can you hear me? Mum, can you hear me?

-Oh, my God. -Call an ambulance!

Shimon, ambulance!

Come on, pull yourself together, woman!

Call a bleeding ambulance!

Oh, God. Oh, God.

- It's all right, Jackie. - That's it. It's okay.

Grandma. Grandma?

Careful, you have to let her breathe.

She's not going to die, is she, Mum?

Oh, Jonny.

-We love you, Mum. -We love you, Grandma.

Love you, Grandma.

Stay in there, Nelly. Stay in there.

How long to the hospital? How long? Not long, we'll get you there.

You hear that, Mum?

We're nearly at the hospital, and they'll look after you.

-Good girl, Nelly. -Yeah, Grandma.

She's moving.

- Mum? - Nelly.

I think she wants to say something.

-Oh, Mummy? -Jackie.

-I need to talk to you.

Of course, Mum. Anything.

I'm not ill.

No, of course you're not ill.

No, I'm not ill.

-What? -I'm pretending.

-Pretending? -No, she's confused.

-Wait, wait. -What? -Pretending? -Yes.

-So, you're not dying? -No.

-Not even a bit? -No.

You just pretended to have a heart attack?

At your own wedding?

In front of your entire family and friends?

I couldn't think of what else to do.

What else to do?

There was no way I was going to spend the rest of my life

with that jumped-up little arsehole.

-You mean... -She's got to keep her mask on.

I'm free! I'm free!