All language subtitles for Friday.Night.Dinner.S03E05.The.Piano.1080p.NF.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.x264-NTb_track3_[eng]

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:41,370 --> 00:00:42,810 Ow. Jonny! 2 00:00:43,850 --> 00:00:45,970 -"Please use side entrance." 3 00:00:46,050 --> 00:00:47,450 -Ignore? -Ignore. 4 00:00:49,010 --> 00:00:50,850 The carpet's been cleaned, the carpet's been cleaned! 5 00:00:52,570 --> 00:00:53,410 Don't ignore. 6 00:00:56,930 --> 00:00:57,970 -Hi, Dad. -Hi. Oh, hello, bambinos. 7 00:00:59,450 --> 00:01:01,330 -Hot tonight isn't it? -Scorching. Why didn't they read the sign? 8 00:01:03,370 --> 00:01:04,250 Mum's a bit... 9 00:01:04,370 --> 00:01:06,170 You know what she's like where there's carpet involved. 10 00:01:06,290 --> 00:01:08,050 -Yup. -Frankenstein with bosoms. 11 00:01:09,170 --> 00:01:11,730 Ah! Ah! Ah! Shoes off. 12 00:01:17,890 --> 00:01:19,330 Come and have a look at the carpet. 13 00:01:21,370 --> 00:01:22,130 Well? 14 00:01:23,090 --> 00:01:25,770 -It's definitely a carpet. -Definitely a floor covering. 15 00:01:25,850 --> 00:01:27,530 Look how clean it is! 16 00:01:28,130 --> 00:01:29,850 Oh, that is clean. 17 00:01:29,930 --> 00:01:32,410 -Isn't it? -Oh, you're horrible. 18 00:01:32,490 --> 00:01:34,250 And it's my night off tonight. 19 00:01:34,330 --> 00:01:35,610 Oh, yeah, so what we doing? 20 00:01:35,690 --> 00:01:36,730 Dad's not cooking is he? 21 00:01:36,810 --> 00:01:39,290 Yes, I'm making roast dustbin. 22 00:01:39,370 --> 00:01:40,450 Oh, lovely. -Bless you. -Damn you. 23 00:01:41,690 --> 00:01:42,970 We're going for Chinese. 24 00:01:43,050 --> 00:01:45,090 - Skill! -Yeah. Crispy duck, here I come. 25 00:01:47,930 --> 00:01:50,210 Uh... Why's the fridge full of tomatoes? 26 00:01:51,170 --> 00:01:52,610 -Jesus. - Good question. 27 00:01:52,690 --> 00:01:55,370 Martin, why is the fridge full of tomatoes? 28 00:01:55,450 --> 00:01:57,050 Because the shop made a mistake. 29 00:01:57,130 --> 00:02:00,130 No, we've been through this. You made a mistake, you made a mistake. 30 00:02:00,250 --> 00:02:02,610 -I made a mistake. -He did his first online shop. 31 00:02:02,810 --> 00:02:05,490 -Welcome to the current century. -God, it was complicated. 32 00:02:05,650 --> 00:02:08,610 No, all you had to do was not add two noughts after every order. 33 00:02:08,690 --> 00:02:10,130 -Excellent. -I tell you that Internet, 34 00:02:10,210 --> 00:02:11,450 I give it three years. 35 00:02:11,650 --> 00:02:13,610 What am I gonna do with 100 bags of tomatoes? 36 00:02:13,690 --> 00:02:16,290 -Make a salad? -And 100 bottles of bleach? 37 00:02:16,490 --> 00:02:17,570 Ooh. 38 00:02:18,010 --> 00:02:18,890 Salad dressing? 39 00:02:18,970 --> 00:02:20,290 That bleach will come in handy one day. 40 00:02:20,370 --> 00:02:22,370 Martin, this is a house, not a morgue. 41 00:02:22,450 --> 00:02:23,930 Don't worry, I can fix that. 42 00:02:24,010 --> 00:02:27,010 -Um. Your winkie's showing. 43 00:02:27,090 --> 00:02:28,210 -Oh, ha. -Dad. 44 00:02:28,290 --> 00:02:29,050 So, we going then? 45 00:02:29,170 --> 00:02:32,050 Well, when Mr Greencock gets here. Where is he? 46 00:02:32,130 --> 00:02:33,290 Sorry? Who? 47 00:02:33,370 --> 00:02:35,650 -Mr Greencock. -Mr Greencock? 48 00:02:35,730 --> 00:02:37,050 Mr Green "cock"? 49 00:02:37,170 --> 00:02:38,850 Yes, I know, Mr Greencock, 50 00:02:38,930 --> 00:02:40,650 your dad's been saying it to me the whole day. 51 00:02:40,730 --> 00:02:41,850 -A hundred? -A hundred. 52 00:02:41,930 --> 00:02:43,930 -Who's Mr Greencock? -The piano tuner. 53 00:02:44,170 --> 00:02:46,450 The piano tuner? Sorry, are we in the wrong house? 54 00:02:46,530 --> 00:02:47,930 He was supposed to be here an hour ago 55 00:02:48,010 --> 00:02:49,810 to tune the piano, but he hasn't turned up. 56 00:02:50,450 --> 00:02:51,210 Piano? 57 00:02:55,410 --> 00:02:56,970 Why have we got a piano? 58 00:02:57,050 --> 00:02:59,130 -Because Dad bought it. -I bought a piano. 59 00:02:59,210 --> 00:03:00,330 Um... Why? 60 00:03:00,410 --> 00:03:02,410 Why? So I can play it, you simpleton. 61 00:03:02,490 --> 00:03:03,650 But you can't play the piano. 62 00:03:03,730 --> 00:03:04,850 Can't even hear the piano. 63 00:03:04,930 --> 00:03:06,130 -Pardon? -Classic. 64 00:03:06,610 --> 00:03:07,770 Isn't she gorgeous? 65 00:03:09,490 --> 00:03:10,890 Gorgeous. 66 00:03:10,970 --> 00:03:11,890 Oh, lads, 67 00:03:12,010 --> 00:03:13,530 do you know what the piano tuner man's called? 68 00:03:13,610 --> 00:03:15,170 -Here we go. -Mr Greencock. 69 00:03:15,250 --> 00:03:19,410 Yes! Mr Greencock. It's like he's got a green-- 70 00:03:19,490 --> 00:03:20,810 Yeah, we already worked that one out. 71 00:03:21,170 --> 00:03:22,330 Where is the silly sod anyway? 72 00:03:22,410 --> 00:03:24,850 I think we should just leave. He's an hour late. 73 00:03:25,170 --> 00:03:26,810 Why won't he answer his phone? 74 00:03:27,890 --> 00:03:29,210 So how are you gonna play this then? 75 00:03:29,290 --> 00:03:30,570 Well, you're gonna teach me of course. 76 00:03:30,770 --> 00:03:32,010 Pusface. 77 00:03:32,090 --> 00:03:33,690 -Me? - You play piano, don't you? 78 00:03:34,090 --> 00:03:35,370 -Yeah, but... -So, once a week, 79 00:03:35,450 --> 00:03:36,770 you'll come here and give me a lesson. 80 00:03:36,930 --> 00:03:39,450 Once a week? I already come here once a week. 81 00:03:39,610 --> 00:03:41,730 Lovely. Are we such a burden? 82 00:03:42,890 --> 00:03:43,690 Hmm. 83 00:03:43,770 --> 00:03:45,530 -Thank you very much. 84 00:03:47,530 --> 00:03:49,570 Mum, Mr Green Knob's here! 85 00:03:49,650 --> 00:03:50,890 Shh! 86 00:03:51,690 --> 00:03:54,770 Can't anyone read? It says, "side entrance." 87 00:03:57,370 --> 00:03:58,770 - Hi. -Greencock. 88 00:03:59,250 --> 00:04:00,290 Um. Yes. 89 00:04:00,970 --> 00:04:02,410 Didn't you see the sign? 90 00:04:02,650 --> 00:04:03,690 Have a guess. 91 00:04:04,890 --> 00:04:07,610 Oh, sorry, I didn't know you were-- 92 00:04:07,770 --> 00:04:08,570 I was? 93 00:04:09,370 --> 00:04:11,410 Nothing. Come in. 94 00:04:12,370 --> 00:04:15,490 Yes, apologies for being late. My car wouldn't start. 95 00:04:15,570 --> 00:04:17,330 - Your car? - That's right, 96 00:04:17,690 --> 00:04:18,730 I drive a Ferrari. 97 00:04:19,770 --> 00:04:21,410 Oh! 98 00:04:21,690 --> 00:04:23,170 No, the genius of a bus driver 99 00:04:23,250 --> 00:04:24,650 forgot to tell me when to get off, 100 00:04:24,850 --> 00:04:26,890 so I had to take a nice walk through a pond. 101 00:04:27,570 --> 00:04:28,330 -Hello. -Evening. Hi. 102 00:04:31,010 --> 00:04:32,290 -Do you have a toilet? -Um... 103 00:04:33,130 --> 00:04:33,930 Yes. 104 00:04:34,170 --> 00:04:35,770 And am I allowed to use it? 105 00:04:36,810 --> 00:04:39,850 Oh, of course. Here. 106 00:04:41,850 --> 00:04:45,210 Sorry, you'll have to go upstairs, I'm afraid. 107 00:04:45,490 --> 00:04:46,490 All the way upstairs? 108 00:04:47,170 --> 00:04:48,370 It's lucky I'm not blind. 109 00:04:48,450 --> 00:04:52,170 Um... It's just down here, up the stairs, second on the right. 110 00:04:53,250 --> 00:04:54,610 Do you need any help? 111 00:04:54,810 --> 00:04:55,930 Uh. Yes. 112 00:04:56,450 --> 00:04:57,970 Could you undo my flys for me? 113 00:04:58,970 --> 00:05:00,930 I thought blind people were meant to be nice. 114 00:05:01,410 --> 00:05:03,330 They also have tremendous hearing. 115 00:05:10,930 --> 00:05:13,250 -He's not sarcastic. -My carpet! 116 00:05:13,610 --> 00:05:15,410 My lovely, clean carpet. 117 00:05:15,490 --> 00:05:17,010 Your disgusting, filthy carpet. 118 00:05:17,090 --> 00:05:18,250 It's ruined, ruined! 119 00:05:18,330 --> 00:05:20,410 Why didn't you tell him to take his shoes off? 120 00:05:20,850 --> 00:05:23,850 Sorry, how do you tell a blind man to take his shoes off? 121 00:05:24,090 --> 00:05:24,850 With words? 122 00:05:25,050 --> 00:05:28,450 No, I'm not having him destroy my living room. No way. 123 00:05:28,530 --> 00:05:30,050 We'll have to move the piano out. Go on. 124 00:05:30,130 --> 00:05:31,610 -Out? -Yes, into the kitchen. 125 00:05:31,690 --> 00:05:33,610 -The kitchen? -Are you mad? 126 00:05:33,690 --> 00:05:35,930 Yes, I am mad. Go on, take it out. 127 00:05:36,250 --> 00:05:38,130 -But... -Wheel it out. 128 00:05:38,210 --> 00:05:40,650 Wheel it? Does it have wheels? 129 00:05:40,730 --> 00:05:43,690 Um... Yeah, but they're a bit rusty. 130 00:05:43,770 --> 00:05:46,170 -Well, go on! -Bloody hell. 131 00:05:48,970 --> 00:05:50,290 Righty-ho. 132 00:05:52,130 --> 00:05:53,330 -Lovely sound. 133 00:05:53,410 --> 00:05:54,890 -Careful. -Dad. 134 00:05:54,970 --> 00:05:56,210 -Careful. -Dad. 135 00:05:56,730 --> 00:05:58,450 -Don't break anything. -We won't. 136 00:06:00,570 --> 00:06:02,650 -Except our ears. - Keep going. 137 00:06:03,050 --> 00:06:04,330 This is definitely worse than torture. 138 00:06:04,410 --> 00:06:06,290 -Careful. -Please stop saying "careful." 139 00:06:07,570 --> 00:06:09,090 -He's flushed the loo. -Mazel Tov. 140 00:06:09,210 --> 00:06:10,250 Come on. 141 00:06:11,090 --> 00:06:13,610 -And heave. - Oh! 142 00:06:14,090 --> 00:06:15,130 Careful. 143 00:06:15,770 --> 00:06:17,050 Over there, over there. 144 00:06:17,130 --> 00:06:19,370 -Come on. 145 00:06:23,650 --> 00:06:25,130 It's okay, Mum, you relax. 146 00:06:31,850 --> 00:06:34,610 -What a normal place to put a piano. -So normal. 147 00:06:35,330 --> 00:06:36,370 He's coming back. 148 00:06:37,690 --> 00:06:39,450 -Everything okay? -Yes. 149 00:06:40,010 --> 00:06:41,530 Apart from not being able to see. 150 00:06:42,130 --> 00:06:43,290 -Er... -And now, 151 00:06:43,610 --> 00:06:45,370 are you gonna tell me where the piano is, 152 00:06:45,650 --> 00:06:49,530 -or do I have to guess? -Oh, sorry, yes. 153 00:06:50,850 --> 00:06:54,130 Through here. Come on. 154 00:06:55,130 --> 00:06:56,730 The piano's... 155 00:06:57,290 --> 00:06:58,330 The piano's here. 156 00:07:00,770 --> 00:07:01,810 This is the kitchen. 157 00:07:02,290 --> 00:07:03,890 Um, yes. 158 00:07:04,850 --> 00:07:06,210 A piano in the kitchen. 159 00:07:07,050 --> 00:07:08,370 How convenient for everyone. 160 00:07:08,850 --> 00:07:10,730 Right, let's see what we've got. 161 00:07:13,490 --> 00:07:14,570 Um... What's your dog called? 162 00:07:16,610 --> 00:07:18,250 -Piano. - Right. 163 00:07:19,050 --> 00:07:21,450 Is it, um, really called Piano? 164 00:07:21,890 --> 00:07:22,930 What do you think? 165 00:07:23,930 --> 00:07:26,090 So, we sort of have to go out now. 166 00:07:26,170 --> 00:07:28,170 - Yeah. -Had enough of me already, have you? 167 00:07:28,290 --> 00:07:29,970 What? No, not at all. 168 00:07:30,210 --> 00:07:31,250 Just, um... 169 00:07:31,330 --> 00:07:33,330 Yeah, how long will you be? 170 00:07:33,770 --> 00:07:37,170 Well, I don't know if you've noticed, but there are quite a lot of notes here. 171 00:07:37,850 --> 00:07:40,130 Okay, so we just... 172 00:07:40,890 --> 00:07:41,970 Leave you here? 173 00:07:42,050 --> 00:07:43,770 Unless you want me to work in the garden? 174 00:07:47,450 --> 00:07:50,290 So your... case is here... 175 00:07:51,250 --> 00:07:55,330 the kettle's behind you, and there's milk... 176 00:07:55,730 --> 00:07:58,210 tomatoes in the fridge. 177 00:07:58,290 --> 00:08:00,210 Thank you. I'll help myself. 178 00:08:00,690 --> 00:08:01,730 To tomatoes. 179 00:08:02,250 --> 00:08:04,170 You sure you'll be all right on your own? 180 00:08:04,730 --> 00:08:07,130 I'll try not to set the house on fire, but you never know. 181 00:08:07,690 --> 00:08:09,370 -Goodbye. -Goodbye. 182 00:08:09,810 --> 00:08:10,970 -Bye. -Bye. 183 00:08:16,610 --> 00:08:17,890 Bad idea to leave him here. 184 00:08:17,970 --> 00:08:19,130 -Terrible idea. -Terrible. 185 00:08:19,930 --> 00:08:20,970 Martin, what do you think? 186 00:08:21,170 --> 00:08:22,610 I think, uh... 187 00:08:23,490 --> 00:08:24,530 Crispy duck. 188 00:08:31,130 --> 00:08:33,570 Seriously, how could I tell a blind man to leave? 189 00:08:33,650 --> 00:08:34,890 With more words? 190 00:08:35,890 --> 00:08:36,930 Thank you. 191 00:08:37,210 --> 00:08:39,930 Come on, try to relax now, Jackie. It's your night off. 192 00:08:40,450 --> 00:08:42,370 Do you have to keep saying it's my night off? 193 00:08:42,970 --> 00:08:44,250 -You make me sound like-- -A hooker? 194 00:08:44,330 --> 00:08:47,330 -Good one. -Yes, thank you, a hooker. 195 00:08:47,410 --> 00:08:49,810 Your mother's is not a hooker. 196 00:08:51,370 --> 00:08:52,450 That's good to know. 197 00:08:52,650 --> 00:08:55,130 If she was, I'm sure she'd do a roaring trade. 198 00:08:55,210 --> 00:08:56,450 Wouldn't you my darling? 199 00:08:57,490 --> 00:08:59,130 Wait, isn't that Aunty Val? 200 00:08:59,890 --> 00:09:00,970 -What? -Over there. 201 00:09:01,050 --> 00:09:02,250 -That's Aunty Val. -Oh, yeah. 202 00:09:02,890 --> 00:09:04,970 Can't be. That not Larry she's with. 203 00:09:05,050 --> 00:09:06,810 -Who you talking about? -Over there, Val. 204 00:09:07,730 --> 00:09:08,850 Oh, God, Val. 205 00:09:09,890 --> 00:09:10,930 Who's the bloke? 206 00:09:11,290 --> 00:09:13,050 I don't know, a colleague? 207 00:09:14,290 --> 00:09:15,450 Friendly colleague. 208 00:09:15,530 --> 00:09:16,610 Maybe a relative? 209 00:09:17,250 --> 00:09:19,090 -Friendly relative. -Yeah, just a bit of incest. 210 00:09:19,170 --> 00:09:20,210 Jonny! 211 00:09:21,130 --> 00:09:22,930 Who is he and what's she doing with him? 212 00:09:23,290 --> 00:09:24,850 Being a hooker. 213 00:09:24,930 --> 00:09:26,170 Shh! 214 00:09:30,130 --> 00:09:32,450 -Oh, God. -I think I'm gonna be sick. 215 00:09:32,730 --> 00:09:34,930 She mustn't see us. She mustn't see us. 216 00:09:37,970 --> 00:09:40,650 - Shit, she's seen me. -Oh, God. 217 00:09:41,570 --> 00:09:43,050 Stand by for awkwardness. 218 00:09:43,210 --> 00:09:45,970 The excuses start now. 219 00:09:46,130 --> 00:09:48,130 -Hi, Jackie. -Hi, love. 220 00:09:48,490 --> 00:09:50,130 -I didn't see you... -I didn't know you were here. 221 00:09:51,570 --> 00:09:53,250 Yes, yes, um... 222 00:09:53,650 --> 00:09:57,050 No, I didn't see you, here... There. 223 00:09:58,130 --> 00:10:00,010 -Neither did we. Did we boys? -No. 224 00:10:00,370 --> 00:10:02,090 No, we didn't see you with that man. 225 00:10:03,610 --> 00:10:04,650 Oh, him. 226 00:10:05,170 --> 00:10:07,170 -Oh, he's, um... -Hello. 227 00:10:08,330 --> 00:10:11,730 Um. This is my friend, Jackie and her family. 228 00:10:12,010 --> 00:10:12,890 This is... 229 00:10:13,410 --> 00:10:14,490 -Jeremy. -Philip. 230 00:10:15,090 --> 00:10:17,890 -Mr Jeremy Phillips. -That's right. 231 00:10:18,370 --> 00:10:20,130 -He's my cousin. - Right. 232 00:10:20,330 --> 00:10:21,370 He's my third... 233 00:10:21,930 --> 00:10:23,010 -Fourth cousin. -Cousin. 234 00:10:23,770 --> 00:10:24,890 Oh, you're cousins? 235 00:10:25,770 --> 00:10:27,410 -How nice to meet you. - Incest. 236 00:10:27,490 --> 00:10:30,730 Yeah, we're cousins and I'm visiting London at the moment, aren't I? 237 00:10:30,810 --> 00:10:32,490 Yes. Yes, you are. 238 00:10:32,730 --> 00:10:35,130 Oh, London is a smashing place. 239 00:10:35,890 --> 00:10:37,490 You been to Buckingham Palace yet? 240 00:10:38,090 --> 00:10:40,570 Yeah, no, yeah, oh, very nice. Yes. 241 00:10:40,810 --> 00:10:43,770 Yeah, funny to think that that's where the queen's had sexual intercourse. 242 00:10:47,050 --> 00:10:48,330 Well, very nice to meet you. 243 00:10:48,970 --> 00:10:50,170 -Phillip. -Jeremy. 244 00:10:51,050 --> 00:10:53,210 -Yes. -So, um... 245 00:10:58,530 --> 00:11:01,290 I'm sorry. Sorry! 246 00:11:01,370 --> 00:11:04,250 Excuse me. Val. Valerie! 247 00:11:06,170 --> 00:11:07,290 He seemed nice. 248 00:11:08,690 --> 00:11:10,450 Why did you have to say, "sexual intercourse"? 249 00:11:10,530 --> 00:11:12,890 -What? -She can't be having an affair. 250 00:11:13,410 --> 00:11:15,650 -There must be a reason. -It's called cock. 251 00:11:15,770 --> 00:11:16,610 Jonny. 252 00:11:16,690 --> 00:11:17,730 -Greencock. -Adam! 253 00:11:18,930 --> 00:11:21,050 I hope she's all right. 254 00:11:21,610 --> 00:11:23,810 I've got a voicemail from the piano tuner. 255 00:11:23,890 --> 00:11:25,010 -Really? -Who is it? 256 00:11:25,330 --> 00:11:27,050 -Greenbollocks. -Oh, Greenbollocks. 257 00:11:27,650 --> 00:11:29,290 Hello, Mrs Goodman, 258 00:11:29,570 --> 00:11:33,810 just wanted to know where you keep your fire extinguisher. 259 00:11:34,250 --> 00:11:35,330 Fire extinguisher? 260 00:11:35,410 --> 00:11:37,810 - The fire extinguisher? -He wants the fire extinguisher? 261 00:11:37,890 --> 00:11:38,930 Call him back. 262 00:11:39,450 --> 00:11:41,330 I knew we shouldn't have left him there. I knew it. 263 00:11:41,770 --> 00:11:43,250 Why did you let him stay in our house? 264 00:11:43,330 --> 00:11:44,530 -Me? -Well? 265 00:11:44,730 --> 00:11:45,730 He's not answering. 266 00:11:46,130 --> 00:11:48,250 What do we do? Oh, God. 267 00:11:48,530 --> 00:11:50,210 So, are you ready to order? 268 00:11:50,290 --> 00:11:52,250 The house is on fire. The house is on fire! 269 00:11:52,330 --> 00:11:53,650 -Sorry. - The house is on fire! 270 00:11:53,930 --> 00:11:56,610 -Come on, Dad. -But what about my crispy duck? 271 00:11:58,650 --> 00:12:01,650 Oh, God. The house is on fire. The house is on fire! 272 00:12:01,730 --> 00:12:02,850 -Check the rooms. -Okay. 273 00:12:02,930 --> 00:12:05,610 The house is on fire. Hello? Mr Greencock, the house is on... 274 00:12:05,690 --> 00:12:06,730 Shh. 275 00:12:09,530 --> 00:12:11,130 -Where's the fire? -Fire? 276 00:12:11,210 --> 00:12:13,530 Yes. Where's the bleeding fire? 277 00:12:13,610 --> 00:12:14,730 Do fires bleed? 278 00:12:15,010 --> 00:12:18,770 Mr Greencock, you left a message asking for the fire extinguisher. 279 00:12:18,850 --> 00:12:20,210 Ah, yes. 280 00:12:22,290 --> 00:12:24,130 We tried to call. Why didn't you call us back? 281 00:12:24,210 --> 00:12:26,690 Oh, we'd already found the fire extinguisher by then. 282 00:12:26,770 --> 00:12:28,770 -We? -A friend of yours apparently had 283 00:12:28,850 --> 00:12:30,250 a fire and came round to borrow it. 284 00:12:30,530 --> 00:12:31,570 -Friend? -Which friend? 285 00:12:31,890 --> 00:12:33,770 I'm afraid I didn't get a very good look at him. 286 00:12:34,090 --> 00:12:36,490 -Being blind. -Oh, my God. What was his name? 287 00:12:37,490 --> 00:12:39,090 -Jim something. -Jim? 288 00:12:39,170 --> 00:12:40,250 Jim's had a fire? 289 00:12:40,570 --> 00:12:42,570 It just went up in flames. 290 00:12:48,610 --> 00:12:50,050 Your bath caught fire? 291 00:12:50,290 --> 00:12:51,890 -That's right. -How? 292 00:12:52,050 --> 00:12:53,730 I dropped a candle in it. 293 00:12:53,890 --> 00:12:56,370 -You mean your bathtub caught fire? -Yes, yes, Martin. 294 00:12:56,730 --> 00:12:59,250 -Well, what the hell's it made of? -Elm. 295 00:13:00,170 --> 00:13:03,730 That's why we hurried here for your fire extinguisher, didn't we, Wilson? 296 00:13:05,130 --> 00:13:06,170 But it was too late. 297 00:13:06,650 --> 00:13:09,770 My bath had been burnt to crisps. 298 00:13:09,930 --> 00:13:11,770 -A crisp. -Yes, please. 299 00:13:15,770 --> 00:13:18,050 -Still nothing from Val. -Really? 300 00:13:19,010 --> 00:13:21,450 Here, Jim. You all right now? 301 00:13:21,530 --> 00:13:23,570 I'm still in a little discomfort. 302 00:13:23,650 --> 00:13:25,570 - Are you? -Yes, my thighs... 303 00:13:26,330 --> 00:13:27,650 -Very hot. -Oh. 304 00:13:28,730 --> 00:13:29,770 Would you like to feel them? 305 00:13:29,850 --> 00:13:31,330 It's okay, thanks. 306 00:13:31,410 --> 00:13:32,690 -Oh. 307 00:13:33,090 --> 00:13:34,130 It's Val. 308 00:13:35,730 --> 00:13:39,330 Val? Oh, thank God. You okay? 309 00:13:39,970 --> 00:13:41,930 Really? She's outside. 310 00:13:42,010 --> 00:13:44,610 -Outside? -Shitting buggery. 311 00:13:44,890 --> 00:13:45,890 Nothing love. 312 00:13:48,570 --> 00:13:51,290 Would anyone else like to feel my hot thighs? 313 00:13:54,290 --> 00:13:56,210 Oh, Val. 314 00:13:56,290 --> 00:13:57,330 Oh, Jackie. 315 00:13:59,490 --> 00:14:00,890 Um, Val... 316 00:14:03,730 --> 00:14:05,650 -Didn't you see the sign? 317 00:14:05,770 --> 00:14:06,930 -What? -Nothing. 318 00:14:08,170 --> 00:14:09,570 I've been a terrible wife. 319 00:14:09,650 --> 00:14:12,050 Oh, don't be silly. Come through, love. 320 00:14:12,130 --> 00:14:14,970 -No, a terrible wife. -Of course, you haven't. Come on. 321 00:14:15,050 --> 00:14:16,650 I mean, what have I done to Larry? 322 00:14:17,890 --> 00:14:18,930 Maybe not in there. 323 00:14:20,050 --> 00:14:22,210 Oh, is that a piano? 324 00:14:22,570 --> 00:14:24,130 No, it's a trombone. 325 00:14:24,690 --> 00:14:27,010 He's just the piano tuner, so shall we... 326 00:14:27,090 --> 00:14:29,490 Yes, I'm just the piano tuner. 327 00:14:31,570 --> 00:14:34,130 Let's leave him to get on. You nearly finished? 328 00:14:34,210 --> 00:14:35,850 Living, or tuning the piano? 329 00:14:35,930 --> 00:14:38,090 Either. Come on. 330 00:14:38,450 --> 00:14:40,330 -Who's he? -Don't ask. 331 00:14:40,570 --> 00:14:41,610 Oh, Jackie. 332 00:14:42,210 --> 00:14:43,290 What have I done? 333 00:14:43,530 --> 00:14:49,210 -Oh, come on, let's go upstairs. -No, I wanna sit down. 334 00:14:49,930 --> 00:14:50,810 But... 335 00:14:52,050 --> 00:14:54,570 Er... Aunty Val's here. 336 00:14:54,810 --> 00:14:57,770 - Hi, Aunty Val. -Hi, Aunty Val. 337 00:14:58,250 --> 00:15:00,050 Um. This is Jim, our neighbour. 338 00:15:00,130 --> 00:15:01,530 -Friend. -Neighbour. 339 00:15:01,610 --> 00:15:03,650 -His bath caught fire. -What? 340 00:15:03,850 --> 00:15:05,090 It was made of elm. 341 00:15:05,170 --> 00:15:06,570 Yes, elm. Elm. 342 00:15:08,290 --> 00:15:10,130 Oh, look. 343 00:15:10,490 --> 00:15:12,130 Now, what can I get you? 344 00:15:12,210 --> 00:15:15,410 Actually, Jackie, would you mind if I used your bathroom? 345 00:15:15,650 --> 00:15:16,530 Er... 346 00:15:16,770 --> 00:15:18,610 You'll have to use the one upstairs, Jim. 347 00:15:18,690 --> 00:15:19,730 Thank you, Martin. 348 00:15:20,890 --> 00:15:22,410 Wilson, remain. 349 00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:30,730 -Are you all right, Valerie? -No, not really. 350 00:15:31,170 --> 00:15:33,770 Well, if you ever need to talk to anybody. 351 00:15:34,250 --> 00:15:37,810 -Oh, that's nice of you. -Yes, that is nice of you, Jim. 352 00:15:37,930 --> 00:15:40,810 Um. I was gonna suggest the Samaritans. 353 00:15:44,170 --> 00:15:47,490 -It was only one kiss. -We didn't even use tongues. 354 00:15:47,570 --> 00:15:48,890 -Bye, Aunty. -Bye. 355 00:15:53,090 --> 00:15:56,490 Sorry, but how long now for our food? We will die of hunger. 356 00:15:58,410 --> 00:15:59,970 -Thank you. -Well? 357 00:16:00,690 --> 00:16:01,570 Five minutes. 358 00:16:02,010 --> 00:16:04,570 Five more minutes for my crispy duck? 359 00:16:05,050 --> 00:16:06,450 I'm not sure I can hold out that long. 360 00:16:06,530 --> 00:16:07,850 Well, you could always chew on a rake. 361 00:16:07,930 --> 00:16:09,610 And there's some delicious compost. 362 00:16:11,730 --> 00:16:12,850 Bleeding wallies. 363 00:16:15,250 --> 00:16:17,570 -Do you think it's safe to go in now? -Are you mad? 364 00:16:17,930 --> 00:16:20,530 Two women talking about emotions? 365 00:16:20,610 --> 00:16:22,210 All right. I just thought they might be finished. 366 00:16:22,290 --> 00:16:24,050 Finished? When are women finished? 367 00:16:24,770 --> 00:16:26,970 You've really got a lot to learn. 368 00:16:28,250 --> 00:16:30,410 Oh, I know what'll tide me over. 369 00:16:33,650 --> 00:16:36,370 -Glue? -Not glue, you moron. Fish paste. 370 00:16:37,250 --> 00:16:38,890 -Fish paste? -Can I have some? 371 00:16:39,250 --> 00:16:41,450 You're gonna squeeze that directly into your mouth now, aren't you? 372 00:16:41,530 --> 00:16:42,330 I am. 373 00:16:42,970 --> 00:16:44,130 Mmm. 374 00:16:44,210 --> 00:16:46,010 -Dad. -It stinks. 375 00:16:46,490 --> 00:16:47,970 I wish your mother would have an affair. 376 00:16:48,290 --> 00:16:51,130 Then I could spend all day in here scoffing this lovely stuff. 377 00:16:51,210 --> 00:16:53,250 If you carry on eating that, she will have an affair. 378 00:16:54,490 --> 00:16:56,490 There you are. You better come... 379 00:16:57,530 --> 00:16:59,050 Ugh! What is that smell? 380 00:16:59,330 --> 00:17:00,690 The inside of Dad's mouth. 381 00:17:00,970 --> 00:17:03,130 Oh, not that horrible stuff again. 382 00:17:03,210 --> 00:17:04,530 You don't know what you're missing. 383 00:17:05,610 --> 00:17:08,530 You better come inside, Larry's turned up. 384 00:17:08,610 --> 00:17:09,530 Sorry? 385 00:17:09,730 --> 00:17:11,450 Val's husband. He's here. 386 00:17:11,970 --> 00:17:13,010 And he's not happy. 387 00:17:15,770 --> 00:17:17,730 Who is it? Who have you been seeing? 388 00:17:18,130 --> 00:17:20,370 Look, I've already told you, I don't know what you're talking about. 389 00:17:20,450 --> 00:17:22,170 I'm not a bloody idiot, Valerie! 390 00:17:22,730 --> 00:17:24,770 Uh. Hello, Martin, boys. 391 00:17:25,050 --> 00:17:27,930 -Hi, Uncle Larry. -All right, Larry, been busy? 392 00:17:28,450 --> 00:17:31,050 What? Yes, quite. 393 00:17:31,130 --> 00:17:32,810 Well, it's good to be busy, 394 00:17:32,930 --> 00:17:35,570 what with the financial situation at the-- 395 00:17:35,650 --> 00:17:37,330 -Martin. -Sorry. Carry on. 396 00:17:37,410 --> 00:17:39,650 - Well? -Well, what? I told you, I... 397 00:17:39,730 --> 00:17:42,890 All right, can someone please tell me what my wife's been up to? 398 00:17:43,050 --> 00:17:44,090 Um... 399 00:17:45,130 --> 00:17:45,930 Jackie? 400 00:17:46,690 --> 00:17:48,770 Would you mind taking your shoes off? 401 00:17:49,890 --> 00:17:51,650 -What! - Um... 402 00:17:52,210 --> 00:17:55,130 If you could all make a bit more noise. Thank you. 403 00:17:55,930 --> 00:17:57,410 -Who's that? -Oh, that's... 404 00:17:57,490 --> 00:17:58,530 - Is that him? -What? 405 00:17:58,610 --> 00:17:59,850 Is that your fancy man? 406 00:17:59,930 --> 00:18:01,970 -Don't be silly, Larry. -Larry, that's... 407 00:18:02,050 --> 00:18:04,130 -Right. -Uncle Larry! 408 00:18:04,730 --> 00:18:06,530 Okay, you. Have you been seeing my wife? 409 00:18:06,610 --> 00:18:07,970 -Come on, Larry. - Larry. 410 00:18:08,050 --> 00:18:10,730 Well, technically that would be quite difficult. 411 00:18:11,010 --> 00:18:12,250 Smartarse, are you? 412 00:18:12,410 --> 00:18:13,730 -Yup. -He's blind. 413 00:18:13,810 --> 00:18:15,650 -Oh, you noticed. -Oh, shut up. 414 00:18:15,730 --> 00:18:16,850 Yes, shut up. 415 00:18:18,450 --> 00:18:20,050 Okay, is it Martin? 416 00:18:20,690 --> 00:18:21,450 What? 417 00:18:21,530 --> 00:18:24,130 Have you been having an affair with Martin? 418 00:18:24,610 --> 00:18:27,530 Oh, don't be daft. 419 00:18:27,730 --> 00:18:29,210 What's so funny? 420 00:18:29,930 --> 00:18:31,610 -By the way, it wasn't me. -Nor me. 421 00:18:32,210 --> 00:18:33,970 -No, I know what you're up to. -Oh, what? 422 00:18:34,050 --> 00:18:36,090 You're hiding him in this bloody house. 423 00:18:36,810 --> 00:18:38,210 I'll find him! 424 00:18:38,610 --> 00:18:39,890 -Larry, please. - No! 425 00:18:40,130 --> 00:18:41,930 -Relaxing evening. -Mum's night off. 426 00:18:42,010 --> 00:18:43,930 Valerie! Oh, God. 427 00:18:44,010 --> 00:18:47,170 You know, you really must invite me to one of your dinner parties. 428 00:18:47,370 --> 00:18:48,410 There he is! 429 00:18:50,130 --> 00:18:51,650 Come on get up, fight like a man. 430 00:18:51,730 --> 00:18:52,850 Larry, please. 431 00:18:53,330 --> 00:18:55,370 What's going... Jim? 432 00:18:55,770 --> 00:18:57,410 -Oh, dear. -Think I'm stupid, do you? 433 00:18:57,490 --> 00:18:59,690 Hiding your fancy man under all those bubbles, eh? 434 00:18:59,770 --> 00:19:01,610 Larry, he's their neighbour. 435 00:19:01,690 --> 00:19:03,490 -Rubbish. -Uncle Larry, that is our neighbour. 436 00:19:03,570 --> 00:19:04,810 -Friend. -He's a neighbour. 437 00:19:04,890 --> 00:19:06,490 Jim, what are you doing in there? 438 00:19:06,570 --> 00:19:08,250 You said I could use your bathroom. 439 00:19:08,330 --> 00:19:09,650 Not to take a bath. 440 00:19:09,890 --> 00:19:11,250 Must have got confused. 441 00:19:11,490 --> 00:19:12,810 His bath caught fire. 442 00:19:13,050 --> 00:19:15,370 -What? -It was made of elm. 443 00:19:15,450 --> 00:19:17,050 - Elm? -Elm. 444 00:19:17,130 --> 00:19:21,410 Val, Larry, maybe you two should have a quiet chat downstairs, yeah? 445 00:19:21,970 --> 00:19:24,450 Come along, Valerie. Time to have a little talk. 446 00:19:26,330 --> 00:19:27,970 -Well done, love. -Mm. 447 00:19:28,330 --> 00:19:30,130 Yes, well done, love. 448 00:19:31,250 --> 00:19:32,290 Jim, maybe you should... 449 00:19:32,610 --> 00:19:34,730 Yes, course, I'll get out now, Jackie. 450 00:19:34,850 --> 00:19:35,890 No! 451 00:19:38,370 --> 00:19:39,450 Bloody hell. 452 00:19:40,690 --> 00:19:42,010 Oh, that's gotta be the crispy duck. 453 00:19:42,090 --> 00:19:43,690 No, it's my phone. 454 00:19:44,090 --> 00:19:45,650 Oh, God. 455 00:19:45,930 --> 00:19:47,370 It's Greenbollocks. 456 00:19:47,450 --> 00:19:49,490 Why's he phoning from downstairs? 457 00:19:50,010 --> 00:19:50,930 Hello? 458 00:19:51,650 --> 00:19:52,490 What? 459 00:19:53,690 --> 00:19:56,250 He said, "Do we have another fire extinguisher?" 460 00:19:57,490 --> 00:19:59,730 The house is on fire! The house is on fire! 461 00:19:59,970 --> 00:20:01,170 The house is on fire! 462 00:20:01,970 --> 00:20:03,370 What happened? What happened? -What? -Where's the fire? 463 00:20:05,850 --> 00:20:07,050 - The fire? -Yes. 464 00:20:07,250 --> 00:20:08,530 Oh, it was nothing. 465 00:20:08,890 --> 00:20:10,610 Just a little joke. 466 00:20:11,250 --> 00:20:14,490 No, I've finished actually, so if you could pay me. 467 00:20:14,770 --> 00:20:16,530 -A joke? -That's right. 468 00:20:17,490 --> 00:20:18,530 Mum? -Mum? -Jackie? 469 00:20:20,570 --> 00:20:22,050 You are leaving. 470 00:20:22,530 --> 00:20:24,450 That's it, throw a blind man out. 471 00:20:24,530 --> 00:20:27,090 Oh, we're throwing a blind man out, all right. 472 00:20:27,170 --> 00:20:28,730 -Um, number 23? - Thanks. 473 00:20:29,170 --> 00:20:31,970 And just so you know, sarcasm is the lowest form of wit. 474 00:20:32,050 --> 00:20:33,170 Is it really? 475 00:20:33,250 --> 00:20:35,010 -Come on, Piano. 476 00:20:36,450 --> 00:20:37,970 Wonderful hospitality! 477 00:20:38,050 --> 00:20:39,090 You're welcome! 478 00:20:42,170 --> 00:20:43,650 It's okay, love, he's gone now. 479 00:20:43,730 --> 00:20:45,930 -Yeah. -His dog really was called Piano. 480 00:20:46,250 --> 00:20:48,290 -So, food? -Food. 481 00:20:48,650 --> 00:20:50,370 I wasn't too horrible to him, was I? 482 00:20:50,490 --> 00:20:51,370 What? 483 00:20:51,610 --> 00:20:53,810 Jackie, the guy was a massive mental head. 484 00:20:53,970 --> 00:20:55,010 Yeah. 485 00:20:55,490 --> 00:20:57,010 Oh, I feel bad. 486 00:20:57,090 --> 00:20:58,330 Stop it, Mum, come on. 487 00:20:58,410 --> 00:21:00,650 But he was blind, and we just threw him out the house. 488 00:21:00,730 --> 00:21:03,090 Jackie, the sodding food's getting cold, all right? 489 00:21:03,170 --> 00:21:06,610 Maybe we should, like, call him a taxi or something, yes. 490 00:21:08,970 --> 00:21:10,770 Okay, you're gonna bloody listen to me. 491 00:21:11,170 --> 00:21:12,490 All night bloody long I've been waiting for a bloody bit of crispy duck. 492 00:21:13,970 --> 00:21:15,010 -Me too. -And me. 493 00:21:15,090 --> 00:21:17,490 And now it's bloody here, we're gonna eat this bloody duck 494 00:21:17,570 --> 00:21:19,330 as a bloody family, do you understand? 495 00:21:21,530 --> 00:21:22,930 -What was... 496 00:21:25,850 --> 00:21:28,730 What's going on? What are you... 497 00:21:28,810 --> 00:21:30,970 Lucky I always carry one of these for emergencies. 498 00:21:31,770 --> 00:21:34,010 - No! -He's smashing my... 499 00:21:34,090 --> 00:21:35,330 -Stop! -Mr Greencock! 500 00:21:35,410 --> 00:21:36,810 Throw a blind man out, eh? 501 00:21:37,450 --> 00:21:40,050 -You shitting mental head! -How about an E flat? 502 00:21:40,130 --> 00:21:41,210 Mr Greencock! 503 00:21:42,010 --> 00:21:43,050 Flattened. 504 00:21:43,250 --> 00:21:45,010 -I'm gonna kill him. -Martin, no! 505 00:21:45,090 --> 00:21:47,090 -There go the piano lessons. -Shame. 506 00:21:47,170 --> 00:21:48,650 -Everyone out. -But, Jackie. 507 00:21:48,730 --> 00:21:49,770 Everyone out! 508 00:21:51,610 --> 00:21:54,650 -He's a shitting lunatic. -I don't care anymore. 509 00:21:55,330 --> 00:21:58,210 It is my night off, and we are gonna sit down as a bloody family, 510 00:21:58,290 --> 00:22:00,170 and eat our bloody duck. 511 00:22:02,770 --> 00:22:05,770 Oh, Larry. 512 00:22:08,250 --> 00:22:09,210 Right. 513 00:22:13,330 --> 00:22:15,810 - In here. - Excuse me. 514 00:22:16,530 --> 00:22:17,610 Um... 515 00:22:17,970 --> 00:22:19,570 Is there a towel? 35733

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