Original subtitles

-All right, Dad? -What?

-Oh, hello, bambinos. -What are you doing?

Nothing, just...

Polishing the lid of the freezer?

-That's right. -Because...

Improves its overall efficiency.

-Oh, yes.

- See you then. - Yup.

Well, have a great night!

- Hi, Mum. - Hi, Mum.

Hi.

Oh! Sorry.

Come here. My boys!

-Mum? -Mum!

Sorry, sorry! It's just so interesting.

Have you ever heard of psychodynamics?

-Ooh, look! Profiteroles! -Profiteroles!

What? Oh, they're not for tonight,

they're for my counsellor’s coffee morning.

-Oh, God. -Anyway, psychodynamics--

And pretend to use the toilet.

-Thank you. -Adam, you'll like this.

One of the things we have to do this week is,

we have to practise on someone we know really--

-No way! -What?

No way are you doing your counselling on me!

-It's only for a little-- -No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

You only have to talk about your feelings.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

All right! Okay!

-I won't do it. -Thank you.

Why are you so uncomfortable talking about your feelings, Bobble?

Um, I don't know.

I suppose 'cause maybe sometimes I...

One minute! You are doing your counselling on me! Mum!

Oh, please, tell me about your feelings, Bobble.

-Stop saying that word. -"Bobble"?

-"Feelings". -Pretend piss over.

-And here's your next patient. -Huh?

Jonnyboo, tell me about your feelings.

-Jonny!

-Go and do Dad! -I did do Dad.

- Good. -It wasn't good.

It was like talking to a sock.

When I asked him to tell me about his mother,

he said, and I quote,

"I dunno. I suppose I came out of her womb."

-Well, it's factually correct.

Go and put the profiteroles in the outside freezer, would you?

-Gladly. -You're horrible.

-What's going on? -Mum's trying to do her

-counselling on us.

-Exactly. -If only I'd married a woman,

and had girls!

You're the one that needs counselling!

-Blimey. -Ooh, profiteroles.

-Leave 'em. - Where you going?

-Freezer. -What?

- Uh, excuse me. -No!

You can't go in there!

Er, you're not in a horror film, Dad.

-‘Scuse. -What, no!

You're not to go in there, you hear me?

-Open it, would you? - No!

-Leave it! -Dad!

-I said leave it. -What is the matter with you?

Nothing. You just shouldn't open these things too much.

-Or? -Flies can get in.

Okay, might we be right in assuming there's

something in there you don't want us to see?

What? Of course not.

Okay, Dad, we believe you.

-Right. Thank you. -Now!

-No! - Oh, Jesus!

-Oh, my God! - The profiteroles!

-You shitting crapface! -What is a fox doing in the freezer?

-A fox! -Look, keep your bloody voices down!

- Dinner's ready! -There's a dead fox in there!

-Shut the bloody thing! -Dad!

What's going...

What happened to my profiteroles?

-Dad dropped them. -Yep.

- What? -Oh, Martin! I spent hours on those.

Hours! God!

It's okay, Jackie, I'll...

wipe them clean.

You little shits!

Why have you got a dead fox in the freezer?

-I... -Dad?

-Okay, I'm gonna have it stuffed. -What?

-What? -I'm gonna have it stuffed.

Stuffed? How?

-I'll get a man. -A man?

Well, you know what a man is, don't you?

-What's this man going to stuff it with? -Sage and onion. Does it matter?

Anyway, then I'm going to put it in the house somewhere.

The house somewhere?

You haven't really thought this through, have you?

All right, in the shed.

Why would you want to put a dead fox in your shed?

Because it's a talking point.

But you're the only one that ever goes in there.

All right then, I'll talk to myself about it.

Come on now! Dinner!

Well, you can't keep it in there.

Don't worry, Mum never opens this.

No, I meant more in terms of, you know, general hygiene?

-Sorry? - Martin!

Now, not a bloody word!

Coming, my love!

It was on top of the choc ices.

All my lovely profiteroles, all over the floor.

I'm sorry, Jackie. I'll make some new ones, I promise.

How can you make some new profiteroles?

You can't even open an egg.

Come and sit down now.

Can't I do a teeny bit of counselling on you?

-Mum! -No!

-Jackie! - Horrible.

-It's very nice, Jackie. -Is it?

Yeah.

Lovely bit of roast squirrel.

- Roast fox.

What's that?

Oh, um, I was just saying you're looking foxy tonight, Mum.

Yeah! Very foxy.

Am I? Thanks.

It's just a new top.

Dad, isn't Mum looking foxy?

-Very foxy. -Very foxy.

Aw, thank you, boys.

-No problem. - Oh!

The pastry. One minute.

Okay, will you two please stop being such little shits?

I'm afraid that's not possible.

Impossible.

So, where did you find your dead fox?

-The road. -What? Walking along the road?

No, you wally.

It was dead. Knocked over, poor thing.

Well, at least you gave it a decent burial.

Next to the frozen peas.

Sorry, everyone, the pastry's in the bloody outside freezer.

Um, Dad?

What?

I think Mum's paying a visit to your frozen friend.

What?

Jackie! Jackie!

-We should probably see this. -We should definitely see this.

Jackie, I've just polished it!

I don't care! Just open it.

-But it'll impair its efficiency!

Boys, can you tell your nutcase of a father to open the freezer?

All I want is my packet of pastry.

-Go on, Dad. -Yes, go on.

Hello? Oh, hi, Val.

Pastry!

Sorry, love, just Martin being insane!

-Thanks again, you shitheads. - Our pleasure.

You're right. I can't keep it in there.

-Told you.

No! I'll take its legs,

-you take its head. -Goodbye.

-Farewell. -Wait!

You're going to help me take that sodding fox out of there

-and hide it somewhere. -Oh, yeah?

- Yeah. -What's in it for us, then?

-Sorry? -Yeah, why should we do it?

-Out of respect for your father.

That'll cost 20 pounds.

Okay, how about ten pounds and no respect for your father?

Ten pounds.

Keep going!

I do hope the neighbours are enjoying this.

- Shut up. -This is freezing.

Of course, it's freezing, it's a frozen fox.

Yeah, Adam, haven't you ever carried a frozen fox before?

Stop! Right.

We're not taking it into the actual house, are we?

I know a place.

What? The special fox cupboard?

Shut your face!

Why can't we just dump it the garden?

'Cause the other bleeding foxes will get to it, you moron.

Oh, yes, the fox-eating foxes.

The cannibal foxes.

Okay, you go in, check the coast is clear. -Me? -Bye, Pissface!

So, any females?

Okay, she's in the kitchen on the phone.

-Right, come on. -But there's no way we're--

In!

- What? Oh! -Okay, under the stairs.

-The fox cupboard? -You can't put it there!

Open the door!

Hold on, let me turn it on.

- Get it in! - A cake box?

There's one under the stairs, I think. Do you want it?

Er... Oh, God.

No, I'm not using it.

No, don't be silly.

Dining room.

Of course, you can borrow it.

Er, that ten pound you gave us just became 20 pounds.

-Yeah. -Where we gonna put

the bloody thing?

-Under the table? -Are you mad?

I don't think you have the right to ask that question right now.

-Over here. -What?

-Come on! -Oh, God!

Put it down there.

Don't you think she'll see it?

Push its head behind the chair.

Oh, sure, sure.

God! I'll do it!

I have to do everything.

Good.

Good? A dead fox in the dining room. That's good, is it?

There you are.

-Hi. -We were just...

Um, here's your pastry, my darling.

Oh, okay.

Thank you, Martin.

That was Val. She's so fun...

Well, sit down, then!

She's bringing a cake round later for the coffee morning.

Isn't that nice of her?

Martin? Boys? Isn't that nice?

Is everyone on drugs or something?

-Sorry? - Hmm?

Is it too hot in here?

Is that it? Is that why you're all--

Where are you going?

To open the window. Excuse me.

-Sit down! - Martin!

I said sit down!

Yes, sir!

God!

Thank you. I'll do it.

- There. -Thank you, Adam.

Er, it's, um,

really lovely food, Jackie. Isn't it, boys?

-Er, yes, it's lovely. - Yeah.

-Smells nice too.

Jim! Hello, Jackie.

What are you doing there?

Well, I was about to ring the doorbell,

when the little boy opened the window, so...

Maybe just come back later, yeah, Jim?

Yeah. Definitely later.

Yes, of course, I'll see you all...

Jim?

You okay, Jim?

He's fine. Thanks, Jim.

Yeah, thanks a lot, Jim.

We're just having our dinner.

Our traditional Jewish dinner.

Oh, of course.

And will you be eating the--

Okay, then, well, better get on.

What does it taste like?

-Goodbye, Jim. -Come on, Wilson.

- Bye, Jim. - Bye, Jim.

-Blimey, he's on form tonight.

Isn't he!

-Oh, leave us alone.

You! Stay!

Your dad's being quite forceful tonight, isn't he?

He's made me go all tingly.

So, do you eat it raw, or do you grill it?

Shh! Look, Jim, no, we're not eating the fox!

So why is the fox under the chair?

Oh, God!

- Hurry up! -Coming! Um...

Okay, how much?

- How much? - Look, here's 20 quid.

Thank you, Martin.

- What for? -Don't tell Jackie.

I see, I'm not to tell Jackie that you gave me 20 pounds.

But what about the fox?

That is for the fox.

Twenty pounds is for the fox?

Oh, for Christ's sake, Jim.

Don't tell Jackie about the dead fox!

Oh, I see, it's a surprise!

Everything okay?

Hello, Jackie, you look nice.

Well, goodbye, Jim.

Oh, do I still need to--

Uh...

What's been going on?

Nothing, he just wanted to...

Here.

Okay...

One minute, have you been lending Jim money?

What?

Have you been lending Jim money?

-A bit. -What? What for?

Uh... Mirrors.

Okay, did you just say the first thing that you could see?

Possibly.

Martin, why are you lending Jim money?

All right! I...

He's on drugs.

-Jim's on drugs? - Yeah.

Boys?

Yeah.

Jim's a junkie.

I didn't want to say anything.

Jim's on drugs?

Yeah.

Why didn't anyone tell me?

We didn't want to upset you, did we, boys? -No. -No, we didn't.

You weren't giving him money to buy drugs, were you?

What! Of course not, it was just for, you know, basic stuff.

-Like what? -Um, soap, bread, um...

-Boxes. -Boxes?

Boxes of bread.

- I better talk to him. -What? No! Jackie!

That's the worst thing you could do.

-Is it? -Yes! He doesn't want everyone to know his...

-problem. -Don't worry, I won't say anything.

I'll just talk to him a little.

I am doing counselling.

-What? -Oh, yeah! Mum's counselling.

Addiction therapy is part of the course, actually, so...

What a great chance for you to practice, Mum.

On a real-life drug addict.

Where's my phone? I'll call him.

No, but Jackie...

-Oh, that'll be Val.

Poor Jim.

Good work, Dad.

Yes, really excellent. Jim's on drugs.

Shitballs.

Ta-da!

Oh, Val, it's beautiful!

I've gone cake crazy.

You love my roulade.

I do love your roulade.

So, we're going to take the fox out of here

and put it back in the garage, okay?

Sorry, there is no way I am touching that disgusting thing again.

- But... -Unless that 20 pounds

-becomes 30 pounds. - That's right.

Oh, God! Thirty pounds.

We can't take it out through the hall. Mum'll see us.

We're not taking it out through the hall, are we?

What? What are you doing?

You're better off jumping to your death from the next floor up, really.

Stupid git. We're taking it out through the window.

-Oh, are we?

-Oh, shit!

Enjoy explaining that one to Mum.

My buggering trousers.

Trousers to bugger in.

-Pass me the fox. -"Pass me the fox."

Just an everyday command from father to son.

Pass me the frigging fox you pillocking pillock!

-That's better. - Ah!

I think it's starting to thaw.

-It smells a bit. -Come on.

Just so you know, I am never doing anything ever again for you, ever.

And I am no longer your son.

Idiots.

He must really want that fox.

Where's the bloody zapper?

Why doesn't it...

Oh, God!

-Er, Mum's coming. -What?

Mum, she's going outside.

Oh, shit on it! Shit on it!

Oh, my God! Thanks again, love.

Sorry I can't stay and chat.

Martin! What are you doing?

Oh, hi, love. Hello, Val.

Hi, Martin.

What are you doing outside?

Well, I just noticed Val left her car door open, so, er,

I came out here to...

shut it.

Oh, thanks, Martin.

And look at your trousers!

Oh, naughty Martin!

Oh, yes, I fell on a saw.

This is what happens to them when they get old!

Bye, love.

Yeah, see you, love.

What have you been doing out here?

Martin!

You look like a flasher!

Huh?

Come inside for dinner.

Come on.

But the fox is in the...

What are we going to do?

You've got to go out and get something now,

but you can't tell me what it is,

or why you have to get it?

-That's right.

Can you come in now and finish your meal, please.

All right, I didn't want to say anything, but...

it's a surprise.

A surprise?

For you.

For me? What sort of surprise?

Something special, for all the

work you've been doing around the house, the kitchen...

and everything.

Really?

Tell her, boys.

Oh, it's special.

Very special.

Aw, Martin.

Yeah, I know, I know.

Go on then.

-Thanks, love! - And don't be long.

Forty pounds.

Okay, there's her car.

Right...

And how are you going to get into her car?

The door, you simpleton.

She's locked it!

Yeah, people do do that these days.

-Lovely evening. -Very mild.

-Here. - What?

-Well, you'll have to smash the window. -Dad!

You're asking me to commit a crime, now, are you?

Don't be such a baby!

Okay, Jonny, you do it.

Um, I think the answer is nein, which in English means, "no pissing way".

Bloody hell. I'll have to do it then, won't I?

Don't be ridiculous. You're not going to smash Auntie Val's wind--

My God!

Martin? Huh?

What are you doing?

Why are you in that car?

What? This is my car.

-I'm in my car. -But...

God!

-Why's she... -Good luck, Dad.

-Yes, all the very best. -But...

Martin! What are you doing smashing that car's window?

I was...

trying to kill a wasp.

With a brick?

Yeah, it was a big wasp.

Could someone tell me what the hell is going on?

All right, I'll tell you, I'll tell you.

Oh, my God, will you look at the mess everywhere.

Oh, Martin! What have you done?

Look at the glass everywhere!

Well?

Um, we're picking up something special for Jackie, a surprise.

-A surprise? -Yes.

What is it?

-Pardon? -What is the surprise?

Um, it's... Um, a bicycle.

A bicycle?

Yeah, we're buying her a bike.

A bike? For Jackie?

Yes, she's always going on about getting a bike, isn't she, boys?

-Always. -Always, always.

So, we thought we'd nip out and, you know, get her one.

Where are you getting one from at this time of night?

Um...

That house, there.

What, Ron's house?

Oh, no.

That's right. He was selling the bicycle

in the local newspaper, so...

How strange.

Actually, I need to speak to Ron, he's still got our drill.

-I'll come with. -What?

That's really not necessary, Auntie.

Come on.

Oh, God.

What happens now?

I must admit, I'm rather surprised you're buying a bicycle from Ron.

Are you?

Hello, Val.

Val won't say anything, all right?

I paid her more than enough.

Dad, you can't keep paying everyone you meet not to tell Mum.

I've been paying you two sods all night.

At this rate, I'll be bankrupt in a week.

Oh, not now!

Bloody thing.

Right, in the house, under the stairs.

Oh, shit heads!

Open the door.

All right, in it goes.

And leave it overnight to marinade.

Well done, lads.

The nightmare's over.

- Martin? -Well, nearly.

I won't be long.

Um, hello, love.

Father?

I think need to lie down for at least a year.

You were ages! What were you doing in there?

Did you know that Jim was born in a zoo?

I don't think this counselling thing's really for me.

Oh, isn't it?

-That's a shame. -Big shame.

And, yeah, by the way, Jim's never taken drugs in his entire life.

-What the hell's going on? -Pardon?

And where's my surprise?

-Your what? -Oh, shit.

My surprise.

Your surprise! Of course,

'cause we went out to get your surprise, didn't we?

-Your special surprise. -Yep.

Um, so, yeah, er...

-Close your eyes. -Really?

Yeah, that's it!

And then?

What the fuck are we going to do?

One second, my love.

Okay.

It's quite exciting!

Somebody find a surprise! Somebody find a surprise!

-This? -Idiot.

-This? -Imbecile.

I'm waiting!

-One moment! -Hurry up!

What you doing in there?

- Hang on! -These?

Genius!

Come on!

Coming, my love!

Oh.

Can I open them now?

Um...

Not now.