Original subtitles

[upbeat dance music]

[singer humming rhythmically]

The house is looking good.

Mm, outdoor bathroom.

Nice touch.

It's very Roman, isn't it?

[doorbell rings]

Hello, bambinos.

Professor Bosoms.

All right, Dad.

What?

Oh, excuse the shithole.

It is a shithole.

When are they gonna finish?

Who knows?

The year 70 billion. [laughs]

What's wrong with the toilet now?

Well, read the note, you cretin.

Bog buggered.

They've buggered everything, these builders.

The bog, the boiler, the electrics.

I told Mum they'll probably start buggering each other soon.

They've buggered it up in there as well.

Hmm, that looks nice.

Yeah, your mother decided

she wanted some red in the house.

So we started painting, but then realized it looked--

Like a whorehouse?

Yep.

Where is Mum?

In the shed.

The shed?

What's she doing there?

Hiding.

[Jonny] Hiding?

Yeah, from the mouse.

What mouse?

Mum saw a mouse in here.

She saw a mouse in here?

There's a mouse in the house?

Yeah, the builders must've

buggered up its lair or something.

Mouse lair.

Now she won't come back in 'til I find the wretched thing,

which means I'm the one making the sodding dinner.

God help us.

Yes, help us, O Lord.

I know, might as well be boiling a table.

Let's go see her then.

Where was the mouse?

Over there.

Bugger.

[upbeat music]

You all right, Mum?

Has he found it?

What?

The mouse, has he found the mouse?

Um, not yet, but I'm sure it'll--

I'm not going back in 'til he's found it.

Ugh, Mum.

What?

That means Dad's making dinner.

Yeah, so?

We might die.

We will die.

I'm sorry.

You know what I'm like about mice.

Total psycho.

Exactly.

Well?

I found it, it's gone.

You found it?

Really?

Yes, really.

You really found it?

I really found it and then I really killed it.

Aw, poor mouse.

Never mind poor mouse, poor Mum.

How did you kill it?

What?

How did you kill the mouse?

I strangled it. [laughs]

Martin.

Does it matter how I killed it?

The bloody thing's dead.

Well, where is it then?

Look, if you don't believe me,

I'll show it to you, both pieces.

Ugh.

No, no, it's okay.

Aw, well done, my hero.

Um, so does that mean you'll be making--

Yes, make you all a lovely dinner.

Oh, you've been so brave.

Did you really find the mouse?

No.

[mellow music]

And what if it turns up again?

It won't turn up.

What, you've trained it, have you?

Shut up.

Pass me the screwdriver, simpleton.

You know Mum will have a heart attack.

Is that a bad thing?

[laughs]

Right, here.

Oh.

Blimey.

Now careful, some of these might be live.

Live?

Bloody hell, Dad.

Thing is, which ones? [laughs]

Martin, where are the, what are you doing?

Making a bomb.

Well, don't make a mess on the carpet.

Have you seen the little bowls?

[doorbell rings]

Oh god, that'll be Jim, I know it.

Why does he have to come round

when the house is such a shithole?

[Adam] Hi, Jim, sorry, we're just--

Hello, Jonny.

Adam.

I just thought if your dad needed any help

with anything round the house, then--

Thanks, but he's doing the electrics, so.

Ah, electrics.

Come on, Wilson.

Come, eh, come, come.

Are you qualified to do electrics?

That depends what you mean by qualified.

Now then, Martin.

Hello, Jackie.

Oh, you look nice.

Oh, thanks, Jim.

Uh, we're just about to have dinner.

Are we?

We are, yes.

Oh, yes, course.

No, I was just helping Martin with,

what are we doing?

The wiring.

The wiring.

Yeah, careful you don't touch the--

[electricity zaps]

Shit!

Shit on it!

[Jonny] Oh my god.

[Jackie] Martin!

He touched the bleeding wire.

Is he dead?

[Jackie] Jim, Jim?

I told him not to bleeding touch it.

Jim.

What are we gonna do?

We'll have to try and resuscitate him.

Uh, how?

Well, somebody's gonna have to give him the kiss of life.

Bye.

Goodbye.

Boys.

Martin, go and give Jim the kiss of life.

I'm not kissing a man.

No way.

Me either.

Thank you very much.

Oh god.

[rhythmic mellow music]

Oh, Wilson.

Jim, it's me, Jackie.

Jackie.

Oh, Jackie.

[Jonny] Um, Jim.

[Jackie] Jim.

Uh, you can let go now.

[Martin] Come on, Jim.

Well done, love.

[Adam] Well done, Mum.

You've had a nasty shock.

Are you okay?

I think I might need a little bit more.

[electronic music]

How do you feel now?

Like I've been forced to eat pins.

[Jackie] Oh.

And somebody's got a big magnet.

Okay.

And also I'm on fire.

But otherwise, you're--

Otherwise, I'm fine, I'm fine.

Has nut features gone yet?

[Jackie] Not yet.

Not yet, Martin.

Sorry, I didn't see you there.

I'm sure you'll be wanting to get back home soon.

Well, I probably shouldn't be moved too quickly

'cause I do feel a terrible hunger all of a sudden.

Um, why don't I get you some biscuits?

Thank you.

Can I have 12?

Are you mad?

Adam, we've got to ask him for dinner.

Mum, there is no way.

Yeah, Mum, no way.

Boys.

I agree.

What are you talking about?

Nut features staying for dinner.

There is no way.

Sorry, we almost killed the man.

The least we can do is feed him.

Mum, he isn't staying.

I can't send him home.

I can.

Shut up, Martin.

Well, he's not having any crumble.

Crimble crumble, absolutely not.

Yeah, no way is he having any crumble.

Okay, all right.

Coming in here, eating our crumble.

Jonny, hide the crumble.

Good idea.

Hide the crumble?

Where shall I hide it?

In here.

[Jackie] What are you doing?

Well done, Jonny.

You're horrible.

[knocking at door]

Yes?

Oh, hello.

Oh, hi, Jim.

You all right?

Well, the shaking's mainly stopped.

Good, good.

And I managed to do a wee-wee

without making too much of a mess.

Well done.

So I'd better be off, I suppose.

Come on, Wilson, come.

There, that's it.

Are you sure you're all right?

Oh, yes, Jackie, you mustn't worry about me.

I'll be fine, fine.

Bye-bye, all.

Friends.

Jim, would you like to stay for--

Dinner.

[Jonny and Adam groan]

Oh, Jackie.

Jackie.

Friday night dinner with you.

And the others.

Oh, did you hear that, Wilson?

We've been invited for a real Jewish dinner.

Right, well, best get changed.

There's really no need.

No, Jackie, best get changed into my finery.

It's a special night.

It's a very special night.

Bye, all.

Come on, Wilson.

What?

[sighs]

Where is he?

So we're definitely agreed then, yeah?

He comes in, "Hello, Jackie," "Hello, Jim,"

three second chat, straight in here, food already on plates,

no crumble because you didn't make any crumble, remember?

Yes.

Food in gob, dinner done, proceed to front door.

"Bye, Jackie," a "Goodbye, Jim."

Yep, that's what we do.

You're so cruel.

We're sticking to it.

Oh, potatoes.

Sorry, but I'm starving.

Um, Dad?

What?

Your little friend.

[Jonny] Jesus.

Oh, shit, shit.

You've trained her very well.

[Jonny chuckles]

Shitting thing.

What are you doing?

What?

Do you want to burn the house down?

Why were you whacking the candles like that?

Um, I got angry.

At what?

The candles just suddenly angered me.

[doorbell rings]

He's here.

Shalom, shalom.

Um, shalom.

This is for you, Jackie.

Oh, um, thanks, Jim.

It was my auntie's.

Oh.

She had it by her deathbed.

How nice.

Come on, Wilson.

Lie down, Wilson.

Okay, so if you come straight through.

Straight to dinner?

Oh, yes.

Tradition.

Jewish tradition?

Exactly that.

So if you'd like to--

Yes, of course.

Shalom.

Shalom, Jackie.

It's a tight squeeze.

And where do you sit?

Um, well, I sit here.

I see.

Oh, um, no, that's Martin's place.

That's Dad's.

Um, that's my place.

Of course.

No, I'll just sit over there.

Um, this is my chair.

Oh, well.

Chair and chair alike.

Jim, maybe if you'd sit over there, next to Martin.

Yes, course, Jackie.

Shalom, shalom.

Shalom.

Shalom.

Right, Mum.

Oh, I nearly forgot.

Do I put this on now?

What is it?

It's my Jewish hat.

Oh, you mean your yamaka.

Amakum.

Yamaka.

Um, you don't need to put it on, but if you want.

Amakum.

Yamaka.

Amubakub.

Okay, why don't you take your jacket off, Jim?

Oh, yes, my jacket.

Your yamaka matches your shirt.

Thank you, Martin.

I made it myself.

Martin, food.

Is it going to be a very religious meal?

Not really, Jim.

Oh, there are the candles.

Yep.

Here we are.

Thanks, Mum.

Thank you, Jackie.

Shalom.

Thank you, Mum.

Shalom.

Yes, shalom.

Shalom to you all.

[Jackie exclaims]

You buggering lunatic.

[Jackie] Martin.

[Adam] What did you do that for?

Yeah.

It's tradition.

Tradition?

No, Jim, that's the Greeks.

Oh, yes, it's the Greeks.

Shall I?

No, no, it's all right.

Just eat your food.

Good start.

Do you know, this is the first time

that I have ever eaten Jewish food.

Really, well, it's all quite normal.

Lovely bit of squirrel.

[laughs]

Is it squirrel?

All right, Jim?

Yes, just enjoying

some of your traditional Jewish drinking water.

Okay.

It's really delicious.

Well, tuck in.

Jackie, could you pass me a biggish spoon?

A biggish spoon?

Yes, please.

Um, Jonny?

Here, Jim.

Thank you.

Yes, I prefer to tear my food.

Look.

There.

Nice?

Mm.

Is there any vinegar?

Excellent.

[Martin] Vinegar, here.

Thank you, Martin.

[Jim hums]

Mm, mmm.

It's nice now, Jackie.

Thank you.

Martin, are you circumcised?

[Adam coughs]

What?

Are you circumcised?

Well, don't ask me, ask my wife. [laughs]

Is Martin circumcised?

Yes, Jim, he is.

And the brothers, did you have them done?

Yes, they're also--

[Adam] Thank you.

Yes, thanks, Mum.

I see, as a set.

Any wine?

No, thank you, Jackie, I'm fine with my, um,

refreshing Hebrew water.

But I am looking forward to your famous apple crumble.

Oh, Jim.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't make one tonight.

She didn't have time.

No time.

No time.

I didn't have time.

Never mind.

Still, this is nice.

Thanks.

No, no, no, I mean this.

It's nice.

Family.

My new family.

To my new family.

[All] Your new family.

You bastard.

Adam.

He put bloody salt in my drink.

[Jonny] Skill.

[Jackie] Oh, I am sorry, Jim.

Thirsty.

Um.

It's a mouse.

[Jackie screams]

[upbeat music]

This is good.

Yeah.

Yes, it is, isn't it?

But you told me you'd killed it.

Well, maybe it came back to life.

What, both pieces?

Is this the ketchup?

Uh, no, that's for slugs.

Well, I didn't know they made ketchup for slugs.

Ketchup's in there, Jim, top drawer.

Oh, thanks.

Why are you keeping ketchup in the shed?

And the mustard?

Second drawer down.

Thank you, Martin.

I wondered where that had got to.

Mm, this is delicious, Jackie.

It's probably the best meal I've ever had in my entire life.

Really?

Aw.

Yes, apart from something they once gave me in hospital.

Right.

A mini banana.

Well, that's dinner over.

[Adam] Yeah, all over.

So, Jim, Mum and Dad are really quite tired.

[Jackie] Yes.

[Martin] What's that?

So it's probably time you--

Yes, of course, time to leave.

Right then.

Oh, one thing.

Is there a final Jewish prayer that you say?

Sorry?

One that you do at the end?

Yes, there is.

Um, thank you, Lord, for our delicious meal,

but now we all must go immediately home

to our sacred beds as quickly as the Lord can send us.

On your marks, get set, go.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

What a super religion.

How do I join?

[mellow music]

I'm just not happy being in here

while it's still scurrying about.

It's all right, Mum.

If you do see it, Jackie,

just put a drinking glass over it,

and you slide a piece of paper underneath and,

oh, no, that's spiders.

Yeah, Jim, that's spiders.

Yes, oh, well, come on, Wilson.

[Wilson whines]

Is that a crumble?

What?

That's a crumble.

How did that get in there?

You must have forgotten you made it.

Oh, I forgot I made it.

She forgot she made it.

I forgot.

She forgot she'd made an apple crumble.

Yeah.

[Jackie laughs]

Right, so thank you, Jim,

for, um, finding the crumble I'd forgotten I had made.

No problem at all, Jackie.

I take mine with cream.

[upbeat music]

This is very exciting.

Very.

Here we are.

I've been looking forward to this for so many years.

Well, hope you like it.

Oh, here, let me just move this out of the way for you.

Oh, be careful.

[all exclaim]

[Jim gasps]

You shitting tit.

-God. -Jesus.

Oh, so much blood.

It's so much blood.

It's paint, Jim.

So much paint.

Just don't move, Jim.

I can't see.

Don't, no, don't touch anything.

[Jim] I mustn't touch anything.

Like the wall.

Or the TV.

TV, oh.

If that's oil paint, it'll never come off.

Oil paint.

Please tell me it's not oil paint.

Please tell me it's not oil paint.

Okay, it's not oil paint.

Is it oil paint?

Yes, it's oil paint.

That's it, Jim, keep going.

Keep going.

[Martin] All right, it's not far to the shower.

Not far.

Try not to get anymore on the walls.

Course, no, Jackie.

Or the banisters.

The banisters.

[Martin] Come on, Jim, come on.

Shower's just in here.

Right, here we are.

[Jackie] Mind the door.

[Jim] The door.

Mouse.

Mouse.

Oh, Jackie, would you like to help me clean myself?

[mellow music]

That man is never coming for dinner again.

Oh, really?

Hello, all.

Hi, Jim.

Here are your towels.

Thanks.

Um, is that my dressing gown?

Yes.

Great.

Is the bathroom all right?

Well, things still function in there.

Good.

Though it does look a bit like an abattoir.

Fabulous.

Well, I suppose I should probably leave you.

Yeah, you probably should.

Well, thank you all.

It was a lovely evening

apart from, well, everything that happened.

Yes.

Goodbye, Jackie.

Goodbye, Jim.

Course, no, no, no, no.

Yeah, um, oh, I never had my...

Oh, um.

Come on, Wilson, Wilson.

Wilson.

At last.

That's it, lovely.

Time for bed.

[Jackie] My god.

[Adam] I know.

[Jonny] It's everywhere.

Quiet Wilson, remain.

[Adam] Hand me a towel.

[Jonny] Oh, you're fine.

[Jackie] The towels, look at them.

I'll have to throw them away.

Careful with the bucket.

[upbeat music]

-[electricity zaps] -[Jim shouts]

What was?

[sighs]

Aw, what?

Not again.

Well, he better be dead this time.

[Jonny] What we gonna do?

All right.

* I change shapes just to hide in this place *

* But I'm still, I'm still an animal *

* Nobody knows it but me when I slip *

* Yeah, I slip, I'm still an animal *

* I change shapes just to hide in this place *

* But I'm still, I'm still an animal *

* Animal