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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,600 --> 00:00:02,933 [upbeat music] 2 00:00:36,067 --> 00:00:37,300 Come on grandma. 3 00:00:37,300 --> 00:00:38,667 Oh thanks dolly. 4 00:00:38,667 --> 00:00:40,700 -Three hours later. -Three days later. 5 00:00:40,700 --> 00:00:43,000 Oh don't forget my yogurts are in the boot. 6 00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:44,400 Oh yes, the yogurts. 7 00:00:44,400 --> 00:00:46,700 Grandma, you do know none of us eat yogurts? 8 00:00:46,700 --> 00:00:47,800 I know. 9 00:00:47,800 --> 00:00:49,133 So why did you buy so many? 10 00:00:49,133 --> 00:00:51,267 They were half price. 11 00:00:51,267 --> 00:00:53,400 What are we going to do with 36 of them? 12 00:00:53,400 --> 00:00:55,267 Oh god, why won't it open? 13 00:00:55,267 --> 00:00:56,733 [phone dings] 14 00:00:56,733 --> 00:00:57,700 Crazy tits? 15 00:00:57,700 --> 00:00:58,633 Do you have to call her that? 16 00:00:58,633 --> 00:01:00,600 -Uh yes. -Liz actually. 17 00:01:00,600 --> 00:01:01,800 Crazy tits Liz. 18 00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:03,233 Stop texting me. 19 00:01:03,233 --> 00:01:04,467 Have you worked out what you're going to do about her yet? 20 00:01:04,467 --> 00:01:05,700 No. 21 00:01:05,700 --> 00:01:07,400 I've told you what you should do, dump her. 22 00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:08,200 Can't just dump her. 23 00:01:08,200 --> 00:01:09,300 Body in the Thames. 24 00:01:09,300 --> 00:01:10,567 Please open. 25 00:01:10,567 --> 00:01:12,800 I can't dump her, it's her birthday tomorrow. 26 00:01:12,800 --> 00:01:14,167 Who's birthday is it? 27 00:01:14,167 --> 00:01:16,067 Jonny's incredibly old girlfriend who's also his boss. 28 00:01:16,067 --> 00:01:18,300 -Oh, crazy tits. -Excellent. 29 00:01:18,300 --> 00:01:19,200 Boot is stuck, grandma. 30 00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:20,067 Dad will have to do it. 31 00:01:20,067 --> 00:01:21,467 Oh, okay dolly. 32 00:01:21,467 --> 00:01:23,733 -She's not old. -What? 33 00:01:23,733 --> 00:01:25,133 Liz, she's not incredibly old. 34 00:01:25,133 --> 00:01:27,067 -She's 83. -43! 35 00:01:27,067 --> 00:01:29,067 Why don't you take her out dancing? 36 00:01:29,067 --> 00:01:30,433 What? 37 00:01:30,433 --> 00:01:33,067 For her birthday, women love dancing. 38 00:01:33,067 --> 00:01:34,700 Yeah, all women love dancing. 39 00:01:34,700 --> 00:01:36,100 Ow! 40 00:01:36,100 --> 00:01:37,367 [doorbell rings] 41 00:01:37,367 --> 00:01:39,633 When I was younger, before I met Sidney, 42 00:01:39,633 --> 00:01:41,867 if a man asked me to dance 43 00:01:41,867 --> 00:01:44,967 somehow I always ended up in bed with him. 44 00:01:46,700 --> 00:01:49,400 -Hi Mum. -Hello dolly. 45 00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:50,633 -Oh come in. -Muah. 46 00:01:50,633 --> 00:01:52,433 Hi boys, what? 47 00:01:52,433 --> 00:01:53,400 Nothing. 48 00:01:57,167 --> 00:01:58,767 Do you like my new style? 49 00:01:58,767 --> 00:02:00,733 Aw it's lovely Mum. 50 00:02:00,733 --> 00:02:02,800 Thank you Jackie. 51 00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:05,700 They're very good there, you should go. 52 00:02:05,700 --> 00:02:07,400 I'm okay, thanks. 53 00:02:07,400 --> 00:02:09,833 But they specialize in problem hair. 54 00:02:09,833 --> 00:02:12,433 Right, go through Mum. 55 00:02:12,433 --> 00:02:14,467 [beeping] 56 00:02:14,467 --> 00:02:15,433 You all right? 57 00:02:15,433 --> 00:02:16,800 Crazy tits. 58 00:02:16,800 --> 00:02:18,600 Oh, crazy tits. 59 00:02:18,600 --> 00:02:20,767 Will you please stop calling her crazy tits? 60 00:02:20,767 --> 00:02:23,333 -God, what is that smell? -Jesus. 61 00:02:23,333 --> 00:02:25,300 Oh it's that cupboard. 62 00:02:25,300 --> 00:02:28,233 Your dad's been using it to, don't open it oh! 63 00:02:28,233 --> 00:02:29,367 I told you! 64 00:02:29,367 --> 00:02:31,533 Is that fish hanging up in there? 65 00:02:31,533 --> 00:02:33,067 What? 66 00:02:33,067 --> 00:02:34,233 Oh my god. 67 00:02:34,233 --> 00:02:35,733 Your dad's been drying fish. 68 00:02:35,733 --> 00:02:38,167 Drying fish, what's he drying fish for? 69 00:02:38,167 --> 00:02:40,067 Because he wants my house to smell like a sewer. 70 00:02:40,067 --> 00:02:42,367 -Hello bambinos. -A sewer! 71 00:02:42,367 --> 00:02:43,200 Ouch. 72 00:02:44,567 --> 00:02:46,100 Dad what are you doing in there? 73 00:02:46,100 --> 00:02:47,567 I'm not in there. 74 00:02:47,567 --> 00:02:50,067 Why are you drying fish in a cupboard? 75 00:02:50,067 --> 00:02:51,533 Because that's what you do. 76 00:02:51,533 --> 00:02:52,733 If you want to get sectioned. 77 00:02:52,733 --> 00:02:53,967 What? 78 00:02:53,967 --> 00:02:55,733 Oh bloody thing, screaming in my ear. 79 00:02:55,733 --> 00:02:58,367 No, my father used to do this years ago. 80 00:02:58,367 --> 00:02:59,400 Oh it's delicious. 81 00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:00,733 Is it? 82 00:03:00,733 --> 00:03:01,667 And of course the Portuguese 83 00:03:01,667 --> 00:03:03,667 been doing it for centuries. 84 00:03:03,667 --> 00:03:05,667 -Of course, the Portuguese. -The Portuguese. 85 00:03:07,100 --> 00:03:08,467 What you never had dried fish before? 86 00:03:08,467 --> 00:03:09,567 Not from a cupboard. 87 00:03:10,500 --> 00:03:11,767 [phone dings] 88 00:03:11,767 --> 00:03:13,100 Not another text. 89 00:03:13,100 --> 00:03:14,833 -Who's that, crazy tits? -Dad! 90 00:03:14,833 --> 00:03:16,200 [Martin] Is that the old woman he's seeing? 91 00:03:16,200 --> 00:03:17,467 She's not an old woman! 92 00:03:17,467 --> 00:03:18,900 How old is she again, 53? 93 00:03:18,900 --> 00:03:21,133 -No, 63. -43, she's 43. 94 00:03:21,133 --> 00:03:22,467 43. 95 00:03:22,467 --> 00:03:24,267 Imagine living through two world wars. 96 00:03:24,267 --> 00:03:26,067 Almost as old as you, Jackie. 97 00:03:26,067 --> 00:03:26,933 Oh thank you Martin. 98 00:03:26,933 --> 00:03:28,467 It's her birthday tomorrow. 99 00:03:28,467 --> 00:03:30,067 We're going to be going out for dinner. 100 00:03:30,067 --> 00:03:31,233 So what are you going to do about her? 101 00:03:31,233 --> 00:03:33,133 Where's my sherry? 102 00:03:33,133 --> 00:03:34,667 All right Mum, blimey! 103 00:03:34,667 --> 00:03:36,567 Adam get grandma a sherry. 104 00:03:36,567 --> 00:03:37,867 Ugh, always me. 105 00:03:40,100 --> 00:03:42,300 [chuckles] 106 00:03:42,300 --> 00:03:43,800 What am I gonna do about her Mum? 107 00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:45,933 I mean she definitely knows something's up. 108 00:03:47,100 --> 00:03:48,700 How can I finish with her on her birthday? 109 00:03:48,700 --> 00:03:50,333 You can't finish with her on her birthday. 110 00:03:50,333 --> 00:03:51,867 -Can't I? -Can't he? 111 00:03:51,867 --> 00:03:53,100 No! 112 00:03:53,100 --> 00:03:54,567 Great, so I have to get her a nice present, 113 00:03:54,567 --> 00:03:55,800 and then she'll be all happy 114 00:03:55,800 --> 00:03:57,133 and I'll have to act all happy 115 00:03:57,133 --> 00:03:58,533 and then I'm stuck with her again. 116 00:03:58,533 --> 00:03:59,733 You could always get her a horrible present. 117 00:03:59,733 --> 00:04:01,500 Yeah, but then she'll be all upset 118 00:04:01,500 --> 00:04:02,433 and I have to be all nice 119 00:04:02,433 --> 00:04:03,500 and then she'll be all happy 120 00:04:03,500 --> 00:04:05,200 and I'm stuck with her again. 121 00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:07,167 Again, I can't bloody win! 122 00:04:07,167 --> 00:04:09,300 -You could just kill her. -I'll do that then. 123 00:04:09,300 --> 00:04:11,533 Seriously, it's not too hard to kill an old lady. 124 00:04:11,533 --> 00:04:13,533 You just creep up behind them and go boo! 125 00:04:13,533 --> 00:04:14,633 [gasps] 126 00:04:14,633 --> 00:04:16,700 -Oh sorry grandma. -Close. 127 00:04:16,700 --> 00:04:20,200 I told him he should just take her out dancing. 128 00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:21,400 Did you Mum? 129 00:04:21,400 --> 00:04:22,700 It's not quite as easy as that, grandma. 130 00:04:22,700 --> 00:04:24,400 Yes it is. 131 00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:25,333 I'll show you. 132 00:04:26,433 --> 00:04:27,267 What? 133 00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:28,500 How to dance, come on. 134 00:04:28,500 --> 00:04:29,833 Grandma, you're not going to show me-- 135 00:04:29,833 --> 00:04:31,900 Yes, just a little dance. 136 00:04:31,900 --> 00:04:34,233 What a wonderful idea. 137 00:04:34,233 --> 00:04:36,900 Oh, go on Jonny, have a little dance with your grandma. 138 00:04:36,900 --> 00:04:38,633 -Mum. -Go on! 139 00:04:38,633 --> 00:04:40,233 It'll make her happy. 140 00:04:40,233 --> 00:04:41,633 Where's the music? 141 00:04:41,633 --> 00:04:43,733 There's a radio machine in the kitchen. 142 00:04:43,733 --> 00:04:44,900 Radio machine. 143 00:04:44,900 --> 00:04:46,533 -Come on then. -Seriously grandma. 144 00:04:46,533 --> 00:04:47,567 How is this happening? 145 00:04:47,567 --> 00:04:48,633 Stop it, it'll cheer you up! 146 00:04:48,633 --> 00:04:49,567 No it won't. 147 00:04:51,067 --> 00:04:52,767 Now then here we go. 148 00:04:53,767 --> 00:04:56,067 -Hold onto my waist. -Really? 149 00:04:56,067 --> 00:04:58,167 [dramatic music] 150 00:04:58,167 --> 00:04:59,833 Is it loud enough? 151 00:05:01,667 --> 00:05:04,667 -Oh lovely music. -Lovely. 152 00:05:04,667 --> 00:05:06,200 One two three, one two three. 153 00:05:07,433 --> 00:05:09,600 Um, I think that's the music for the news. 154 00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:11,100 Keep going pusface. 155 00:05:11,100 --> 00:05:12,500 Shut up pusface. 156 00:05:12,500 --> 00:05:13,600 Oh, where's the digital camera? 157 00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:15,567 Oh yes, the camera. 158 00:05:15,567 --> 00:05:18,700 One two three, one two three, one two three. 159 00:05:18,700 --> 00:05:20,067 -The headline-- -It is the news. 160 00:05:20,067 --> 00:05:21,600 [Reporter] Prime minister vows to fight-- 161 00:05:21,600 --> 00:05:23,533 -One two three-- -Mum! 162 00:05:23,533 --> 00:05:24,467 What? 163 00:05:24,467 --> 00:05:25,433 We are dancing to the news. 164 00:05:25,433 --> 00:05:26,700 Smile! 165 00:05:26,700 --> 00:05:28,933 It's not music, it's not! 166 00:05:30,067 --> 00:05:31,500 Aww. 167 00:05:31,500 --> 00:05:33,133 Well done grandma! 168 00:05:33,133 --> 00:05:34,400 [applause] 169 00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:35,633 Oh thank you. 170 00:05:37,267 --> 00:05:39,833 So, that's what you should do. 171 00:05:39,833 --> 00:05:43,467 You should take your girlfriend out dancing. 172 00:05:43,467 --> 00:05:45,867 -Agreed. -Okay grandma I'll do that. 173 00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:48,300 And then you bring her back home 174 00:05:48,300 --> 00:05:51,300 and make passionate love to her, all night. 175 00:05:56,067 --> 00:05:58,800 Just let that seep in a bit, should be okay. 176 00:05:58,800 --> 00:06:00,167 Thanks Dad. 177 00:06:00,167 --> 00:06:02,767 It's just basic fluid mechanics really. 178 00:06:02,767 --> 00:06:04,867 Simple coefficients and viscosity. 179 00:06:06,167 --> 00:06:07,633 Right, remember that. 180 00:06:07,633 --> 00:06:08,867 See you later. 181 00:06:08,867 --> 00:06:10,100 -Oh Adam. -Yeah? 182 00:06:10,100 --> 00:06:11,067 Any-- 183 00:06:11,067 --> 00:06:11,900 -Dad-- -Females? 184 00:06:11,900 --> 00:06:13,067 Please. 185 00:06:13,067 --> 00:06:13,867 Well your brother's got a female. 186 00:06:13,867 --> 00:06:15,100 Correction, old woman. 187 00:06:15,100 --> 00:06:17,133 Well, you can learn a lot from an older lady. 188 00:06:17,133 --> 00:06:19,067 What, like how to dance to the news? 189 00:06:19,067 --> 00:06:20,333 Look, all I'm saying is 190 00:06:20,333 --> 00:06:23,067 maybe you should consider other options. 191 00:06:23,067 --> 00:06:24,667 Other options? 192 00:06:24,667 --> 00:06:26,933 Like I don't know, divorcees. 193 00:06:26,933 --> 00:06:28,633 -Sorry? -Or widows. 194 00:06:28,633 --> 00:06:29,900 -Widows? -Yes! 195 00:06:29,900 --> 00:06:31,067 Okay I'm going to go inside now 196 00:06:31,067 --> 00:06:32,300 and set myself on fire. 197 00:06:33,667 --> 00:06:35,367 Dinner's read... 198 00:06:35,367 --> 00:06:37,133 Why are you doing that now? 199 00:06:37,133 --> 00:06:38,300 What? 200 00:06:38,300 --> 00:06:40,367 [groans] 201 00:06:41,367 --> 00:06:42,733 Come on Mum. 202 00:06:42,733 --> 00:06:44,533 What's he doing out there? 203 00:06:44,533 --> 00:06:47,567 Fixing the stupid boot, why he couldn't wait. 204 00:06:47,567 --> 00:06:50,733 Oh, my yogurts. 205 00:06:50,733 --> 00:06:53,867 [upbeat music] 206 00:06:53,867 --> 00:06:55,400 All done. 207 00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:57,600 -[feedback squeals] -Ah, bleeding thing! 208 00:06:57,600 --> 00:07:00,233 [upbeat music] 209 00:07:05,767 --> 00:07:07,167 There they are. 210 00:07:11,933 --> 00:07:12,767 Woo! 211 00:07:15,367 --> 00:07:16,867 Right. 212 00:07:16,867 --> 00:07:19,200 [screaming] 213 00:07:20,733 --> 00:07:21,567 [Grandma] Help! 214 00:07:21,567 --> 00:07:22,500 We have no idea, Val. 215 00:07:22,500 --> 00:07:23,500 She was here a minute ago. 216 00:07:23,500 --> 00:07:25,200 She's definitely not on the roof. 217 00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:27,267 We've done the bedrooms. 218 00:07:27,267 --> 00:07:29,133 And the loos, nothing. 219 00:07:29,133 --> 00:07:30,667 I'll call you back. 220 00:07:30,667 --> 00:07:32,067 So what are we gonna do? 221 00:07:32,067 --> 00:07:33,233 [doorbell rings] 222 00:07:33,233 --> 00:07:34,667 Oh that must be her, coming mummy! 223 00:07:37,333 --> 00:07:38,500 Mummy? 224 00:07:38,500 --> 00:07:41,200 Sorry Jim, it's a terrible time. 225 00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:42,767 I've lost my mother. 226 00:07:42,767 --> 00:07:46,200 Very sorry to hear that, Jackie aren't we Wilson? 227 00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:49,333 No, she's not dead, we've lost her. 228 00:07:49,333 --> 00:07:50,400 We can't find her anywhere. 229 00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:51,933 Have you looked on the roof? 230 00:07:51,933 --> 00:07:53,067 She's not on the roof, Jim. 231 00:07:53,067 --> 00:07:56,067 Well just wanted to let you know, 232 00:07:56,067 --> 00:08:00,733 your car appears to be making a terrible moaning noise. 233 00:08:00,733 --> 00:08:02,200 Okay well thanks Jim. 234 00:08:02,200 --> 00:08:03,733 It's almost as if it could talk. 235 00:08:07,400 --> 00:08:10,233 [muffled yelling] 236 00:08:11,467 --> 00:08:12,933 It's okay Mum. 237 00:08:12,933 --> 00:08:14,967 You are such an idiot, Martin! 238 00:08:14,967 --> 00:08:16,533 Okay I can just drill into it. 239 00:08:16,533 --> 00:08:19,500 What, and drill right into my mother's skull? 240 00:08:19,500 --> 00:08:20,533 No you don't! 241 00:08:20,533 --> 00:08:21,867 [Grandma] What's that noise? 242 00:08:21,867 --> 00:08:23,633 Nothing Mum! 243 00:08:23,633 --> 00:08:24,867 [Grandma] I can survive I think. 244 00:08:24,867 --> 00:08:26,300 I've got 36 yogurts. 245 00:08:26,300 --> 00:08:27,500 Okay grandma. 246 00:08:27,500 --> 00:08:29,233 [Grandma] But I might need a spoon. 247 00:08:29,233 --> 00:08:30,467 Have you called the police yet? 248 00:08:30,467 --> 00:08:31,833 I told you I'm not calling the police. 249 00:08:31,833 --> 00:08:33,267 They'll think we're bloody murderers! 250 00:08:33,267 --> 00:08:34,467 Shh! 251 00:08:34,467 --> 00:08:35,667 Jackie I can smash her out of it. 252 00:08:35,667 --> 00:08:37,200 Whoa you're not smashing up my car! 253 00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:39,333 Never mind your car, do you want to kill my mother? 254 00:08:39,333 --> 00:08:41,200 -Jonny call the locksmith. -The locksmith? 255 00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:42,600 Oh yeah, the locksmith I know. 256 00:08:42,600 --> 00:08:44,200 Well just google it you div! 257 00:08:45,500 --> 00:08:46,333 Crazy tits? 258 00:08:46,333 --> 00:08:47,700 Could always call Mike. 259 00:08:47,700 --> 00:08:49,200 Jim please, it's an emergency. 260 00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:51,533 Mike Sullivan, he's a locksmith. 261 00:08:51,533 --> 00:08:52,367 What? 262 00:08:52,367 --> 00:08:53,800 He's a friend of mine. 263 00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:56,200 Mike Sullivan will get your mother out in no time. 264 00:08:56,200 --> 00:08:57,733 Really, well call him quick! 265 00:08:57,733 --> 00:08:59,267 It's all right Mum! 266 00:08:59,267 --> 00:09:00,867 Unfortunately I don't have his number 267 00:09:00,867 --> 00:09:02,567 because Wilson sort of did 268 00:09:02,567 --> 00:09:05,067 something to my phone with his bottom. 269 00:09:05,067 --> 00:09:06,233 Oh great. 270 00:09:06,233 --> 00:09:07,600 He doesn't live far, I know the way. 271 00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:08,633 Right, come on. 272 00:09:08,633 --> 00:09:11,233 [upbeat music] 273 00:09:12,600 --> 00:09:14,067 How about this? 274 00:09:22,067 --> 00:09:25,767 This way everybody, Mike Sullivan will save her! 275 00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:30,333 Mummy, we're at the locksmith's now. 276 00:09:30,333 --> 00:09:32,267 He's going to get you out in one minute! 277 00:09:32,267 --> 00:09:33,500 [Grandma] It's so dark. 278 00:09:33,500 --> 00:09:35,200 Just try to keep breathing. 279 00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:39,200 -[bangs] -[yells] 280 00:09:40,367 --> 00:09:43,100 Don't worry Jackie, Mike Sullivan's the man. 281 00:09:44,167 --> 00:09:45,167 Oh here he comes. 282 00:09:48,967 --> 00:09:50,267 Locks. 283 00:09:51,800 --> 00:09:53,367 Hello Mike. 284 00:09:53,367 --> 00:09:54,967 Hello Jim. 285 00:09:54,967 --> 00:09:55,900 Everything all right? 286 00:09:55,900 --> 00:09:56,733 Yes. 287 00:09:58,300 --> 00:09:59,533 No it isn't. 288 00:09:59,533 --> 00:10:01,333 My mother's trapped in our boot, so-- 289 00:10:01,333 --> 00:10:02,400 Sorry? 290 00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:03,500 Could you get her out? 291 00:10:03,500 --> 00:10:05,033 -She's in the boot. -Quickly? 292 00:10:06,300 --> 00:10:07,500 Um. 293 00:10:07,500 --> 00:10:09,567 Adam, go and stay with grandma will you? 294 00:10:10,767 --> 00:10:12,967 Well are you gonna let her out then? 295 00:10:12,967 --> 00:10:14,100 Well how am I going to do that? 296 00:10:14,100 --> 00:10:15,400 With your tools, come on. 297 00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:16,567 My tools? 298 00:10:16,567 --> 00:10:18,067 Yes, your tools, your locksmith tools. 299 00:10:18,067 --> 00:10:19,067 Locksmith tools? 300 00:10:19,067 --> 00:10:20,633 I'm not a locksmith. 301 00:10:20,633 --> 00:10:21,767 [All] What? 302 00:10:21,767 --> 00:10:22,900 I'm a town planner. 303 00:10:25,567 --> 00:10:26,400 Are you? 304 00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:27,333 Yes. 305 00:10:27,333 --> 00:10:29,600 I thought you were a locksmith. 306 00:10:29,600 --> 00:10:30,433 Why? 307 00:10:32,267 --> 00:10:33,400 The locks. 308 00:10:34,833 --> 00:10:37,233 Why aren't you a shitting locksmith? 309 00:10:37,233 --> 00:10:39,100 Okay, I'm slamming the door now. 310 00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:43,000 Something's happened! 311 00:10:52,067 --> 00:10:53,800 I tried to stop them. 312 00:10:56,933 --> 00:10:58,067 She's got yogurts. 313 00:11:00,933 --> 00:11:03,500 [rain patters] 314 00:11:08,533 --> 00:11:10,500 220 bloody pounds. 315 00:11:10,500 --> 00:11:12,300 I knew I should've used that hammer. 316 00:11:13,967 --> 00:11:15,533 You all right now Mum? 317 00:11:15,533 --> 00:11:16,367 Yes. 318 00:11:17,500 --> 00:11:20,533 This is a very fashionable restaurant. 319 00:11:21,900 --> 00:11:23,300 Um. 320 00:11:23,300 --> 00:11:24,300 [phone dings] 321 00:11:24,300 --> 00:11:25,467 Ugh, not now! 322 00:11:25,467 --> 00:11:26,700 Yes, not now. 323 00:11:28,767 --> 00:11:30,800 She's cut her own hair. 324 00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:32,100 Why would she do that? 325 00:11:32,100 --> 00:11:33,533 Because you ruined her life. 326 00:11:33,533 --> 00:11:35,867 Come on grandma, let's take you home. 327 00:11:35,867 --> 00:11:37,300 Am I going in the boot again? 328 00:11:37,300 --> 00:11:39,133 Only if you ask nicely. 329 00:11:39,133 --> 00:11:40,900 [chuckles] 330 00:11:40,900 --> 00:11:42,733 -One minute. -What? 331 00:11:42,733 --> 00:11:44,200 I did turn the oven off. 332 00:11:45,633 --> 00:11:47,867 -[beeping] -[coughing] 333 00:11:47,867 --> 00:11:49,133 Adam open the back door. 334 00:11:49,133 --> 00:11:52,067 -Jonny, take grandma upstairs! -All right. 335 00:11:52,067 --> 00:11:54,767 Oh Martin, get the chicken out! 336 00:11:54,767 --> 00:11:56,533 -What? -The chicken! 337 00:11:56,533 --> 00:11:58,733 [coughing] 338 00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:01,500 Shit on the bloody thing. 339 00:12:01,500 --> 00:12:04,067 Yes shit on the bloody thing. 340 00:12:07,233 --> 00:12:09,067 Looking forward to dinner. 341 00:12:10,233 --> 00:12:11,600 [phone dings] 342 00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:12,600 Crazy tits? 343 00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:14,067 She wants to pop round. 344 00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:15,567 Oh switch the stair lift on. 345 00:12:16,433 --> 00:12:20,800 Thanks, but we're very busy. 346 00:12:20,800 --> 00:12:22,400 Shame. 347 00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:23,567 How's grandma? 348 00:12:23,567 --> 00:12:26,067 Still lying down, she's a little confused. 349 00:12:26,067 --> 00:12:26,967 Poor grandma. 350 00:12:26,967 --> 00:12:28,200 She just asked if I could 351 00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:30,067 get her something from duty free. 352 00:12:30,067 --> 00:12:31,867 There, who says we can't still 353 00:12:31,867 --> 00:12:34,633 have a delicious Friday night dinner eh? 354 00:12:34,633 --> 00:12:36,300 -Me. -And me. 355 00:12:36,300 --> 00:12:39,133 Some lovely dried fish. 356 00:12:39,133 --> 00:12:40,700 They probably needed a couple more days 357 00:12:40,700 --> 00:12:41,933 under the stairs, but-- 358 00:12:41,933 --> 00:12:44,200 Dried fish from under the stairs. 359 00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:46,733 -Aw, at least you tried. -Thank you. 360 00:12:46,733 --> 00:12:48,733 And failed. 361 00:12:48,733 --> 00:12:51,067 Raw carrots and some crisps. 362 00:12:51,067 --> 00:12:53,300 They might be a bit stale though. 363 00:12:53,300 --> 00:12:54,600 They are. 364 00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:57,900 Look, a lovely bit of squirrel fish. 365 00:12:57,900 --> 00:13:00,200 [chuckles] 366 00:13:04,567 --> 00:13:06,067 Definitely taste the cupboard. 367 00:13:06,067 --> 00:13:07,900 Yep, cupboard. 368 00:13:07,900 --> 00:13:09,800 So have you decided then? 369 00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:12,467 What you're going to do about Liz. 370 00:13:12,467 --> 00:13:14,400 Yeah, I have actually. 371 00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:15,400 Put her in a home? 372 00:13:16,567 --> 00:13:17,900 I'm going to give it another go. 373 00:13:17,900 --> 00:13:19,467 -Really? -Really? 374 00:13:19,467 --> 00:13:21,133 And you're conscious when you made that decision were you? 375 00:13:21,133 --> 00:13:22,733 Yeah, give it another go. 376 00:13:24,567 --> 00:13:26,233 Okay. 377 00:13:26,233 --> 00:13:27,600 He's staying with crazy tits? 378 00:13:27,600 --> 00:13:30,233 Thank you Dad, yeah no it's her birthday 379 00:13:30,233 --> 00:13:31,700 and I'm going to be nice 380 00:13:31,700 --> 00:13:35,067 and get her a nice present and then just see how it goes. 381 00:13:36,367 --> 00:13:38,067 Cool. 382 00:13:38,067 --> 00:13:39,233 I'm sticking with Liz. 383 00:13:45,367 --> 00:13:47,267 Oh my god, she's so annoying! 384 00:13:47,267 --> 00:13:49,400 She goes on about the seventies the whole time, 385 00:13:49,400 --> 00:13:51,467 as if she was there, which she was. 386 00:13:51,467 --> 00:13:53,100 She's got a thing called a breadmaker, 387 00:13:53,100 --> 00:13:54,767 so she can make her own bread. 388 00:13:54,767 --> 00:13:56,333 I didn't even know you could make your own bread, 389 00:13:56,333 --> 00:13:58,800 and her best friend, who's an utter cock by the way, 390 00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:00,967 he drives a black cab but he's not a taxi driver. 391 00:14:00,967 --> 00:14:01,900 That's his own car! 392 00:14:01,900 --> 00:14:03,633 It's okay Jonny, calm down. 393 00:14:03,633 --> 00:14:04,667 That guy does sound like a cock. 394 00:14:04,667 --> 00:14:06,133 No I can't do it anymore. 395 00:14:06,133 --> 00:14:07,700 I've got to go around to her and I've got to see her. 396 00:14:07,700 --> 00:14:08,700 I've got to talk to her. 397 00:14:08,700 --> 00:14:11,200 [phone dings] 398 00:14:12,433 --> 00:14:13,667 -Oh my god. -What? 399 00:14:13,667 --> 00:14:14,800 She's outside. 400 00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:15,967 -What? -She's outside? 401 00:14:15,967 --> 00:14:18,167 She's outside, she's outside. 402 00:14:18,167 --> 00:14:19,533 Oh please don't say it's true. 403 00:14:19,533 --> 00:14:20,933 It's true! 404 00:14:20,933 --> 00:14:22,167 Shit, what am I gonna do? 405 00:14:22,167 --> 00:14:23,433 She's locking her car. 406 00:14:23,433 --> 00:14:25,233 Don't worry Jonny, just talk to her like a man. 407 00:14:25,233 --> 00:14:27,067 Yeah like a really old man, she'll understand you then. 408 00:14:27,067 --> 00:14:27,867 Shut up! 409 00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:28,800 Yeah shut up! 410 00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:29,733 She's coming up the drive. 411 00:14:29,733 --> 00:14:30,933 Just tell her how you feel. 412 00:14:30,933 --> 00:14:32,433 Suicidal? 413 00:14:32,433 --> 00:14:33,767 Yeah you were gonna go round and talk to her a second ago. 414 00:14:33,767 --> 00:14:35,533 Getting closer! 415 00:14:35,533 --> 00:14:36,833 That was before, this is now. 416 00:14:36,833 --> 00:14:38,367 I can't just talk to her. 417 00:14:38,367 --> 00:14:39,900 -About to press the doorbell. -Please! 418 00:14:39,900 --> 00:14:41,300 -[doorbell rings] -Doorbell pressed. 419 00:14:41,300 --> 00:14:43,633 -Oh god. -And let the agony begin. 420 00:14:43,633 --> 00:14:46,067 Oh my god, oh my god! 421 00:14:46,067 --> 00:14:48,133 It's okay Jonny, it's okay. 422 00:14:48,133 --> 00:14:49,433 Don't worry. 423 00:14:49,433 --> 00:14:50,800 Calm down, it'll be fine. 424 00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:52,800 -It won't be fine. -Shit shit shit! 425 00:14:52,800 --> 00:14:54,133 Martin go and put your shirt on. 426 00:14:54,133 --> 00:14:55,067 Oh bleeding hell. 427 00:14:55,067 --> 00:14:56,067 [doorbell rings] 428 00:14:56,067 --> 00:14:57,467 Well go on, just open the door. 429 00:14:57,467 --> 00:14:59,800 Just go on Jonny. 430 00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:01,633 Okay, I can do it. 431 00:15:01,633 --> 00:15:02,633 I can do it. 432 00:15:03,833 --> 00:15:05,233 No, I can't do it, I've got to hide. 433 00:15:05,233 --> 00:15:06,667 -Hide? -Yes hide! 434 00:15:06,667 --> 00:15:08,067 [doorbell rings] 435 00:15:08,067 --> 00:15:08,900 Coming! 436 00:15:08,900 --> 00:15:10,333 Move you bloody! 437 00:15:10,333 --> 00:15:11,967 Oh I am so sorry, I appear to be in your way. 438 00:15:11,967 --> 00:15:13,067 Adam! 439 00:15:13,067 --> 00:15:14,433 Mum, open the door! 440 00:15:14,433 --> 00:15:15,400 Open the door! 441 00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:17,200 Out of the way, I want to hide! 442 00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:18,467 Don't be so stupid! 443 00:15:18,467 --> 00:15:20,600 -I'm opening it now. -I'm hiding in here. 444 00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:21,600 Oh Christ it stinks! 445 00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:22,467 Enjoy! 446 00:15:23,633 --> 00:15:24,733 [Jonny] Tell her I had to go away. 447 00:15:24,733 --> 00:15:25,667 Jonathan! 448 00:15:25,667 --> 00:15:26,767 What are you doing in there? 449 00:15:26,767 --> 00:15:28,733 -Let go! -Come in here, ah! 450 00:15:28,733 --> 00:15:30,300 God the little sod! 451 00:15:30,300 --> 00:15:31,133 Sorry Dad! 452 00:15:35,433 --> 00:15:38,500 -Hello. -Hi, I'm Liz. 453 00:15:38,500 --> 00:15:40,400 Of course, Liz. 454 00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:42,867 Sorry to come round like this, but is Jonny in? 455 00:15:44,433 --> 00:15:48,933 -Well, he was but-- -Oh shitting fish! 456 00:15:48,933 --> 00:15:51,067 [coughs] 457 00:15:52,733 --> 00:15:53,567 Hello babe. 458 00:15:57,300 --> 00:15:59,900 Yes, since 1945 they've closed 459 00:15:59,900 --> 00:16:04,067 over 90% of the British shipyards. 460 00:16:04,067 --> 00:16:05,067 90%. 461 00:16:07,133 --> 00:16:07,967 Terrible. 462 00:16:09,433 --> 00:16:11,633 -Ah here he is. -Hello. 463 00:16:11,633 --> 00:16:13,067 Hi pissface. 464 00:16:13,067 --> 00:16:14,067 Got rid of that fishy smell? 465 00:16:14,067 --> 00:16:15,200 Yes, thank you. 466 00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:17,067 -It's a medical problem. -Thank you again. 467 00:16:17,067 --> 00:16:17,833 Sorry Jonny. 468 00:16:20,300 --> 00:16:21,533 Oh thanks Dad. 469 00:16:25,067 --> 00:16:26,167 -You all right? -Yeah. 470 00:16:27,533 --> 00:16:29,533 It's really nice to properly meet your mum and dad. 471 00:16:29,533 --> 00:16:31,200 And future brother-in-law? 472 00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:34,100 Well. 473 00:16:34,100 --> 00:16:35,700 What happened to your hand, by the way? 474 00:16:35,700 --> 00:16:37,467 -I was bitten. -Bitten? 475 00:16:37,467 --> 00:16:38,300 Jonny bit him. 476 00:16:38,300 --> 00:16:39,267 Yes, he bit me. 477 00:16:40,433 --> 00:16:42,200 Oh, happy birthday for tomorrow. 478 00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:44,333 Oh yes, happy birthday! 479 00:16:44,333 --> 00:16:45,933 Thanks, how did you know? 480 00:16:45,933 --> 00:16:47,833 Jonny hasn't stopped talking about it all night. 481 00:16:47,833 --> 00:16:48,800 Have you Jonny? 482 00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:49,633 No. 483 00:16:51,267 --> 00:16:52,100 Well. 484 00:16:53,067 --> 00:16:54,067 Do you like my hair? 485 00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:57,400 It's very short. 486 00:16:57,400 --> 00:16:58,900 -Don't you like it? -Yeah, no it's-- 487 00:16:58,900 --> 00:17:01,300 Oh god, do you think it makes me look like a man? 488 00:17:01,300 --> 00:17:03,600 -Of course not. -Oh don't be silly, love. 489 00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:04,667 I knew I shouldn't have cut it myself. 490 00:17:04,667 --> 00:17:05,733 It's too short isn't it? 491 00:17:05,733 --> 00:17:07,400 -It is a bit short. -Martin! 492 00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:09,667 No, it's lovely, no! 493 00:17:09,667 --> 00:17:12,300 Really, different. 494 00:17:12,300 --> 00:17:14,200 Mum, can I just get something from the-- 495 00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:15,067 What? 496 00:17:16,433 --> 00:17:17,267 Oh. 497 00:17:18,367 --> 00:17:22,633 -One second, Liz. -One second, one second. 498 00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:26,767 Actually your hair is particularly short. 499 00:17:29,333 --> 00:17:30,267 What am I gonna do? 500 00:17:30,267 --> 00:17:31,400 She definitely looks like a man. 501 00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:32,733 Shut up Adam! 502 00:17:32,733 --> 00:17:34,333 Mum, I don't want to see her anymore. 503 00:17:34,333 --> 00:17:35,833 Well you'll just have to act 504 00:17:35,833 --> 00:17:37,367 like a grownup and speak to her. 505 00:17:37,367 --> 00:17:39,433 But speak loudly 'cause of her terribly old ears. 506 00:17:39,433 --> 00:17:40,600 Adam! 507 00:17:40,600 --> 00:17:41,633 Can't you just speak to her for me? 508 00:17:41,633 --> 00:17:43,567 -No, go back in there! -Please! 509 00:17:43,567 --> 00:17:45,333 Both of you! 510 00:17:45,333 --> 00:17:46,600 Can I just say, this might be 511 00:17:46,600 --> 00:17:49,167 the greatest night of my entire life? 512 00:17:52,733 --> 00:17:53,767 Is everything okay? 513 00:17:53,767 --> 00:17:56,233 -Yeah. -Oh yes it's fantastic. 514 00:17:59,433 --> 00:18:00,500 I don't think I've ever met anyone 515 00:18:00,500 --> 00:18:02,067 who's cut their own hair. 516 00:18:02,067 --> 00:18:04,600 Martin why don't you go and finish the washing up? 517 00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:06,533 Yes, my little reichsfuhrer. 518 00:18:10,933 --> 00:18:13,067 -Jonny, shall we-- -Hello all. 519 00:18:13,067 --> 00:18:14,900 Oh hi grandma, this is-- 520 00:18:14,900 --> 00:18:16,100 Got a visitor. 521 00:18:16,100 --> 00:18:18,633 This is my mother, feeling better now Mum? 522 00:18:18,633 --> 00:18:19,867 Yes. 523 00:18:19,867 --> 00:18:22,067 It's a beautiful morning. 524 00:18:23,767 --> 00:18:24,700 Grandma, this is-- 525 00:18:24,700 --> 00:18:26,067 Who's this nice young man? 526 00:18:28,100 --> 00:18:29,133 -Sorry? -What? 527 00:18:29,133 --> 00:18:30,333 What? 528 00:18:30,333 --> 00:18:32,767 Who is this nice young man? 529 00:18:32,767 --> 00:18:36,533 This is Liz grandma, my girlfriend? 530 00:18:37,933 --> 00:18:40,767 -What? -It's Liz, Mum. 531 00:18:40,767 --> 00:18:43,333 No, this man, who is this man? 532 00:18:43,333 --> 00:18:44,267 She's not a man. 533 00:18:44,267 --> 00:18:46,067 I'm Liz, I'm Jonny's girlfriend. 534 00:18:46,067 --> 00:18:47,800 -She's a girl. -She's a girl, Mum. 535 00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:48,667 I'm a girl! 536 00:18:48,667 --> 00:18:50,167 -It's a girl? -Yes. 537 00:18:50,167 --> 00:18:52,367 I'm a girl, I'm a woman. 538 00:18:52,367 --> 00:18:54,267 Ignore her love, she's not been well. 539 00:18:56,833 --> 00:18:58,067 Yes! 540 00:18:59,067 --> 00:19:00,167 It's a girl. 541 00:19:00,167 --> 00:19:01,367 Yes. 542 00:19:01,367 --> 00:19:02,800 -You're a girl. -Yes. 543 00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:05,167 -You're a girl. -Okay Mum. 544 00:19:05,167 --> 00:19:06,267 Lovely girl. 545 00:19:09,900 --> 00:19:10,900 Okay. 546 00:19:10,900 --> 00:19:12,733 And what is your name young lady? 547 00:19:12,733 --> 00:19:13,767 Liz. 548 00:19:13,767 --> 00:19:15,067 Lips. 549 00:19:15,067 --> 00:19:16,400 Liz. 550 00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:18,167 What a lovely girl. 551 00:19:19,333 --> 00:19:21,233 Hi grandma. 552 00:19:21,233 --> 00:19:22,933 Have you met Jonny's girlfriend? 553 00:19:22,933 --> 00:19:24,700 -Yes! -Yes. 554 00:19:24,700 --> 00:19:26,167 She's a girl. 555 00:19:26,167 --> 00:19:28,067 Well she was the last time I checked. 556 00:19:29,533 --> 00:19:32,767 Maybe you two would like to have a quiet chat somewhere? 557 00:19:32,767 --> 00:19:34,800 Yes, good idea. 558 00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:35,600 Jonny? 559 00:19:37,833 --> 00:19:38,667 Okay. 560 00:19:41,933 --> 00:19:43,700 They locked me in the boot. 561 00:19:49,067 --> 00:19:52,467 Jonny, have you got something you want to tell me? 562 00:19:52,467 --> 00:19:53,667 What? 563 00:19:53,667 --> 00:19:55,400 Is everything okay? 564 00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:56,833 Yeah of course it is. 565 00:19:56,833 --> 00:19:58,933 Yeah yeah everything's... 566 00:20:00,567 --> 00:20:02,400 I'm sorry, it's not you it's me. 567 00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:04,300 Well it is me, but it's also you. 568 00:20:04,300 --> 00:20:06,567 What I mean is I like you, I really like you 569 00:20:06,567 --> 00:20:08,367 and I work with you, well for you 570 00:20:08,367 --> 00:20:09,400 and that's not awkward. 571 00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:10,933 That's great, it's really great 572 00:20:10,933 --> 00:20:12,400 and you're older than me. 573 00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:14,100 Quite a bit older actually, but you're not too old. 574 00:20:14,100 --> 00:20:18,167 No, but you are older and you've got a breadmaker and stuff 575 00:20:18,167 --> 00:20:19,800 which doesn't mean anything, 'cause you know I like bread. 576 00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:21,467 I really like bread, and I like toast. 577 00:20:21,467 --> 00:20:24,400 I love toast, really don't I Mum? 578 00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:25,233 Don't I? 579 00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:27,633 Mummy? 580 00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:32,433 Jonny. 581 00:20:34,300 --> 00:20:35,633 What are you trying to say? 582 00:20:37,300 --> 00:20:39,867 I'm sorry but I don't want to go out with you anymore. 583 00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:44,400 [crying] 584 00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:47,100 Oh, it's okay dear. 585 00:20:47,100 --> 00:20:49,133 [crying] 586 00:20:50,833 --> 00:20:51,700 Come on love. 587 00:20:53,333 --> 00:20:54,133 Sorry. 588 00:21:01,133 --> 00:21:02,300 Leaving so soon? 589 00:21:02,300 --> 00:21:03,733 Yeah I'm going. 590 00:21:04,633 --> 00:21:06,067 -Stop it. -Stop what? 591 00:21:06,067 --> 00:21:06,900 -Open the door! -What door? 592 00:21:06,900 --> 00:21:08,300 Just open the door! 593 00:21:08,300 --> 00:21:10,500 Seriously I don't, I'll bite you, I will! 594 00:21:10,500 --> 00:21:12,300 I bit Dad and I will bite you! 595 00:21:18,967 --> 00:21:20,933 -Give me my keys! -Pardon me? 596 00:21:20,933 --> 00:21:23,233 My keys, I want to go home, give me my keys! 597 00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:26,700 -Do you mean these? -Bastard, ow! 598 00:21:29,267 --> 00:21:31,667 Just give 'em to me you bloody piece of bloody shit! 599 00:21:31,667 --> 00:21:33,567 They won't reach, you'll have to come in and get them. 600 00:21:33,567 --> 00:21:35,500 -Open the door! -I can't at the moment. 601 00:21:35,500 --> 00:21:36,533 You'll have to come in through the side. 602 00:21:36,533 --> 00:21:38,167 -Through the kitchen! -Is it? 603 00:21:38,167 --> 00:21:39,567 -Liz is in the kitchen. -Is she? 604 00:21:39,567 --> 00:21:41,500 [Jonny] I hate you so bloody much! 605 00:21:41,500 --> 00:21:42,300 Ahh. 606 00:21:44,733 --> 00:21:47,233 -You'll find someone else. -Really? 607 00:21:47,233 --> 00:21:49,800 Yeah, what do you think Adam? 608 00:21:49,800 --> 00:21:52,267 Of course you will, but I've got a feeling 609 00:21:52,267 --> 00:21:54,233 Jonny will come right back for you. 610 00:21:54,233 --> 00:21:55,233 Do you think? 611 00:21:57,767 --> 00:21:58,567 Jonny! 612 00:22:00,200 --> 00:22:01,733 Excuse me. 613 00:22:01,733 --> 00:22:05,100 Sorry, I just left my keys in the... 614 00:22:07,433 --> 00:22:09,267 -Give me my fucking keys! -Get off of me! 615 00:22:09,267 --> 00:22:11,533 [shouting] 616 00:22:11,533 --> 00:22:13,133 Boys, oh! 617 00:22:13,133 --> 00:22:14,700 Adam, Jonny! 618 00:22:14,700 --> 00:22:17,167 -Jonny, Martin! -What? 619 00:22:17,167 --> 00:22:18,500 Oh stupid prats. 620 00:22:19,400 --> 00:22:20,233 Get up! 621 00:22:21,767 --> 00:22:22,800 Stop it! 622 00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:25,533 [laughing] 623 00:22:25,533 --> 00:22:26,833 Stop it! 624 00:22:26,833 --> 00:22:29,067 [laughing] 625 00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:35,800 Young man. 626 00:22:36,900 --> 00:22:39,200 Would you like a yogurt? 627 00:22:39,200 --> 00:22:41,433 [laughing] 628 00:22:42,933 --> 00:22:45,500 * I change shapes just to hide in this place * 629 00:22:45,500 --> 00:22:50,333 * But I'm still I'm still an animal * 630 00:22:50,333 --> 00:22:53,167 * Nobody knows it but me when I slip * 631 00:22:53,167 --> 00:22:57,700 * Yeah I slip I'm still an animal * 632 00:22:57,700 --> 00:23:00,733 * I change shapes just to hide in this place * 633 00:23:00,733 --> 00:23:05,700 * But I'm still I'm still an animal * 634 00:23:06,333 --> 00:23:07,967 * Animal 41138

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