Original subtitles

[upbeat music]

Come on grandma.

Oh thanks dolly.

-Three hours later. -Three days later.

Oh don't forget my yogurts are in the boot.

Oh yes, the yogurts.

Grandma, you do know none of us eat yogurts?

I know.

So why did you buy so many?

They were half price.

What are we going to do with 36 of them?

Oh god, why won't it open?

[phone dings]

Crazy tits?

Do you have to call her that?

-Uh yes. -Liz actually.

Crazy tits Liz.

Stop texting me.

Have you worked out what you're going to do about her yet?

No.

I've told you what you should do, dump her.

Can't just dump her.

Body in the Thames.

Please open.

I can't dump her, it's her birthday tomorrow.

Who's birthday is it?

Jonny's incredibly old girlfriend who's also his boss.

-Oh, crazy tits. -Excellent.

Boot is stuck, grandma.

Dad will have to do it.

Oh, okay dolly.

-She's not old. -What?

Liz, she's not incredibly old.

-She's 83. -43!

Why don't you take her out dancing?

What?

For her birthday, women love dancing.

Yeah, all women love dancing.

Ow!

[doorbell rings]

When I was younger, before I met Sidney,

if a man asked me to dance

somehow I always ended up in bed with him.

-Hi Mum. -Hello dolly.

-Oh come in. -Muah.

Hi boys, what?

Nothing.

Do you like my new style?

Aw it's lovely Mum.

Thank you Jackie.

They're very good there, you should go.

I'm okay, thanks.

But they specialize in problem hair.

Right, go through Mum.

[beeping]

You all right?

Crazy tits.

Oh, crazy tits.

Will you please stop calling her crazy tits?

-God, what is that smell? -Jesus.

Oh it's that cupboard.

Your dad's been using it to, don't open it oh!

I told you!

Is that fish hanging up in there?

What?

Oh my god.

Your dad's been drying fish.

Drying fish, what's he drying fish for?

Because he wants my house to smell like a sewer.

-Hello bambinos. -A sewer!

Ouch.

Dad what are you doing in there?

I'm not in there.

Why are you drying fish in a cupboard?

Because that's what you do.

If you want to get sectioned.

What?

Oh bloody thing, screaming in my ear.

No, my father used to do this years ago.

Oh it's delicious.

Is it?

And of course the Portuguese

been doing it for centuries.

-Of course, the Portuguese. -The Portuguese.

What you never had dried fish before?

Not from a cupboard.

[phone dings]

Not another text.

-Who's that, crazy tits? -Dad!

[Martin] Is that the old woman he's seeing?

She's not an old woman!

How old is she again, 53?

-No, 63. -43, she's 43.

43.

Imagine living through two world wars.

Almost as old as you, Jackie.

Oh thank you Martin.

It's her birthday tomorrow.

We're going to be going out for dinner.

So what are you going to do about her?

Where's my sherry?

All right Mum, blimey!

Adam get grandma a sherry.

Ugh, always me.

[chuckles]

What am I gonna do about her Mum?

I mean she definitely knows something's up.

How can I finish with her on her birthday?

You can't finish with her on her birthday.

-Can't I? -Can't he?

No!

Great, so I have to get her a nice present,

and then she'll be all happy

and I'll have to act all happy

and then I'm stuck with her again.

You could always get her a horrible present.

Yeah, but then she'll be all upset

and I have to be all nice

and then she'll be all happy

and I'm stuck with her again.

Again, I can't bloody win!

-You could just kill her. -I'll do that then.

Seriously, it's not too hard to kill an old lady.

You just creep up behind them and go boo!

[gasps]

-Oh sorry grandma. -Close.

I told him he should just take her out dancing.

Did you Mum?

It's not quite as easy as that, grandma.

Yes it is.

I'll show you.

What?

How to dance, come on.

Grandma, you're not going to show me--

Yes, just a little dance.

What a wonderful idea.

Oh, go on Jonny, have a little dance with your grandma.

-Mum. -Go on!

It'll make her happy.

Where's the music?

There's a radio machine in the kitchen.

Radio machine.

-Come on then. -Seriously grandma.

How is this happening?

Stop it, it'll cheer you up!

No it won't.

Now then here we go.

-Hold onto my waist. -Really?

[dramatic music]

Is it loud enough?

-Oh lovely music. -Lovely.

One two three, one two three.

Um, I think that's the music for the news.

Keep going pusface.

Shut up pusface.

Oh, where's the digital camera?

Oh yes, the camera.

One two three, one two three, one two three.

-The headline-- -It is the news.

[Reporter] Prime minister vows to fight--

-One two three-- -Mum!

What?

We are dancing to the news.

Smile!

It's not music, it's not!

Aww.

Well done grandma!

[applause]

Oh thank you.

So, that's what you should do.

You should take your girlfriend out dancing.

-Agreed. -Okay grandma I'll do that.

And then you bring her back home

and make passionate love to her, all night.

Just let that seep in a bit, should be okay.

Thanks Dad.

It's just basic fluid mechanics really.

Simple coefficients and viscosity.

Right, remember that.

See you later.

-Oh Adam. -Yeah?

Any--

-Dad-- -Females?

Please.

Well your brother's got a female.

Correction, old woman.

Well, you can learn a lot from an older lady.

What, like how to dance to the news?

Look, all I'm saying is

maybe you should consider other options.

Other options?

Like I don't know, divorcees.

-Sorry? -Or widows.

-Widows? -Yes!

Okay I'm going to go inside now

and set myself on fire.

Dinner's read...

Why are you doing that now?

What?

[groans]

Come on Mum.

What's he doing out there?

Fixing the stupid boot, why he couldn't wait.

Oh, my yogurts.

[upbeat music]

All done.

-[feedback squeals] -Ah, bleeding thing!

[upbeat music]

There they are.

Woo!

Right.

[screaming]

[Grandma] Help!

We have no idea, Val.

She was here a minute ago.

She's definitely not on the roof.

We've done the bedrooms.

And the loos, nothing.

I'll call you back.

So what are we gonna do?

[doorbell rings]

Oh that must be her, coming mummy!

Mummy?

Sorry Jim, it's a terrible time.

I've lost my mother.

Very sorry to hear that, Jackie aren't we Wilson?

No, she's not dead, we've lost her.

We can't find her anywhere.

Have you looked on the roof?

She's not on the roof, Jim.

Well just wanted to let you know,

your car appears to be making a terrible moaning noise.

Okay well thanks Jim.

It's almost as if it could talk.

[muffled yelling]

It's okay Mum.

You are such an idiot, Martin!

Okay I can just drill into it.

What, and drill right into my mother's skull?

No you don't!

[Grandma] What's that noise?

Nothing Mum!

[Grandma] I can survive I think.

I've got 36 yogurts.

Okay grandma.

[Grandma] But I might need a spoon.

Have you called the police yet?

I told you I'm not calling the police.

They'll think we're bloody murderers!

Shh!

Jackie I can smash her out of it.

Whoa you're not smashing up my car!

Never mind your car, do you want to kill my mother?

-Jonny call the locksmith. -The locksmith?

Oh yeah, the locksmith I know.

Well just google it you div!

Crazy tits?

Could always call Mike.

Jim please, it's an emergency.

Mike Sullivan, he's a locksmith.

What?

He's a friend of mine.

Mike Sullivan will get your mother out in no time.

Really, well call him quick!

It's all right Mum!

Unfortunately I don't have his number

because Wilson sort of did

something to my phone with his bottom.

Oh great.

He doesn't live far, I know the way.

Right, come on.

[upbeat music]

How about this?

This way everybody, Mike Sullivan will save her!

Mummy, we're at the locksmith's now.

He's going to get you out in one minute!

[Grandma] It's so dark.

Just try to keep breathing.

-[bangs] -[yells]

Don't worry Jackie, Mike Sullivan's the man.

Oh here he comes.

Locks.

Hello Mike.

Hello Jim.

Everything all right?

Yes.

No it isn't.

My mother's trapped in our boot, so--

Sorry?

Could you get her out?

-She's in the boot. -Quickly?

Um.

Adam, go and stay with grandma will you?

Well are you gonna let her out then?

Well how am I going to do that?

With your tools, come on.

My tools?

Yes, your tools, your locksmith tools.

Locksmith tools?

I'm not a locksmith.

[All] What?

I'm a town planner.

Are you?

Yes.

I thought you were a locksmith.

Why?

The locks.

Why aren't you a shitting locksmith?

Okay, I'm slamming the door now.

Something's happened!

I tried to stop them.

She's got yogurts.

[rain patters]

220 bloody pounds.

I knew I should've used that hammer.

You all right now Mum?

Yes.

This is a very fashionable restaurant.

Um.

[phone dings]

Ugh, not now!

Yes, not now.

She's cut her own hair.

Why would she do that?

Because you ruined her life.

Come on grandma, let's take you home.

Am I going in the boot again?

Only if you ask nicely.

[chuckles]

-One minute. -What?

I did turn the oven off.

-[beeping] -[coughing]

Adam open the back door.

-Jonny, take grandma upstairs! -All right.

Oh Martin, get the chicken out!

-What? -The chicken!

[coughing]

Shit on the bloody thing.

Yes shit on the bloody thing.

Looking forward to dinner.

[phone dings]

Crazy tits?

She wants to pop round.

Oh switch the stair lift on.

Thanks, but we're very busy.

Shame.

How's grandma?

Still lying down, she's a little confused.

Poor grandma.

She just asked if I could

get her something from duty free.

There, who says we can't still

have a delicious Friday night dinner eh?

-Me. -And me.

Some lovely dried fish.

They probably needed a couple more days

under the stairs, but--

Dried fish from under the stairs.

-Aw, at least you tried. -Thank you.

And failed.

Raw carrots and some crisps.

They might be a bit stale though.

They are.

Look, a lovely bit of squirrel fish.

[chuckles]

Definitely taste the cupboard.

Yep, cupboard.

So have you decided then?

What you're going to do about Liz.

Yeah, I have actually.

Put her in a home?

I'm going to give it another go.

-Really? -Really?

And you're conscious when you made that decision were you?

Yeah, give it another go.

Okay.

He's staying with crazy tits?

Thank you Dad, yeah no it's her birthday

and I'm going to be nice

and get her a nice present and then just see how it goes.

Cool.

I'm sticking with Liz.

Oh my god, she's so annoying!

She goes on about the seventies the whole time,

as if she was there, which she was.

She's got a thing called a breadmaker,

so she can make her own bread.

I didn't even know you could make your own bread,

and her best friend, who's an utter cock by the way,

he drives a black cab but he's not a taxi driver.

That's his own car!

It's okay Jonny, calm down.

That guy does sound like a cock.

No I can't do it anymore.

I've got to go around to her and I've got to see her.

I've got to talk to her.

[phone dings]

-Oh my god. -What?

She's outside.

-What? -She's outside?

She's outside, she's outside.

Oh please don't say it's true.

It's true!

Shit, what am I gonna do?

She's locking her car.

Don't worry Jonny, just talk to her like a man.

Yeah like a really old man, she'll understand you then.

Shut up!

Yeah shut up!

She's coming up the drive.

Just tell her how you feel.

Suicidal?

Yeah you were gonna go round and talk to her a second ago.

Getting closer!

That was before, this is now.

I can't just talk to her.

-About to press the doorbell. -Please!

-[doorbell rings] -Doorbell pressed.

-Oh god. -And let the agony begin.

Oh my god, oh my god!

It's okay Jonny, it's okay.

Don't worry.

Calm down, it'll be fine.

-It won't be fine. -Shit shit shit!

Martin go and put your shirt on.

Oh bleeding hell.

[doorbell rings]

Well go on, just open the door.

Just go on Jonny.

Okay, I can do it.

I can do it.

No, I can't do it, I've got to hide.

-Hide? -Yes hide!

[doorbell rings]

Coming!

Move you bloody!

Oh I am so sorry, I appear to be in your way.

Adam!

Mum, open the door!

Open the door!

Out of the way, I want to hide!

Don't be so stupid!

-I'm opening it now. -I'm hiding in here.

Oh Christ it stinks!

Enjoy!

[Jonny] Tell her I had to go away.

Jonathan!

What are you doing in there?

-Let go! -Come in here, ah!

God the little sod!

Sorry Dad!

-Hello. -Hi, I'm Liz.

Of course, Liz.

Sorry to come round like this, but is Jonny in?

-Well, he was but-- -Oh shitting fish!

[coughs]

Hello babe.

Yes, since 1945 they've closed

over 90% of the British shipyards.

90%.

Terrible.

-Ah here he is. -Hello.

Hi pissface.

Got rid of that fishy smell?

Yes, thank you.

-It's a medical problem. -Thank you again.

Sorry Jonny.

Oh thanks Dad.

-You all right? -Yeah.

It's really nice to properly meet your mum and dad.

And future brother-in-law?

Well.

What happened to your hand, by the way?

-I was bitten. -Bitten?

Jonny bit him.

Yes, he bit me.

Oh, happy birthday for tomorrow.

Oh yes, happy birthday!

Thanks, how did you know?

Jonny hasn't stopped talking about it all night.

Have you Jonny?

No.

Well.

Do you like my hair?

It's very short.

-Don't you like it? -Yeah, no it's--

Oh god, do you think it makes me look like a man?

-Of course not. -Oh don't be silly, love.

I knew I shouldn't have cut it myself.

It's too short isn't it?

-It is a bit short. -Martin!

No, it's lovely, no!

Really, different.

Mum, can I just get something from the--

What?

Oh.

-One second, Liz. -One second, one second.

Actually your hair is particularly short.

What am I gonna do?

She definitely looks like a man.

Shut up Adam!

Mum, I don't want to see her anymore.

Well you'll just have to act

like a grownup and speak to her.

But speak loudly 'cause of her terribly old ears.

Adam!

Can't you just speak to her for me?

-No, go back in there! -Please!

Both of you!

Can I just say, this might be

the greatest night of my entire life?

Is everything okay?

-Yeah. -Oh yes it's fantastic.

I don't think I've ever met anyone

who's cut their own hair.

Martin why don't you go and finish the washing up?

Yes, my little reichsfuhrer.

-Jonny, shall we-- -Hello all.

Oh hi grandma, this is--

Got a visitor.

This is my mother, feeling better now Mum?

Yes.

It's a beautiful morning.

Grandma, this is--

Who's this nice young man?

-Sorry? -What?

What?

Who is this nice young man?

This is Liz grandma, my girlfriend?

-What? -It's Liz, Mum.

No, this man, who is this man?

She's not a man.

I'm Liz, I'm Jonny's girlfriend.

-She's a girl. -She's a girl, Mum.

I'm a girl!

-It's a girl? -Yes.

I'm a girl, I'm a woman.

Ignore her love, she's not been well.

Yes!

It's a girl.

Yes.

-You're a girl. -Yes.

-You're a girl. -Okay Mum.

Lovely girl.

Okay.

And what is your name young lady?

Liz.

Lips.

Liz.

What a lovely girl.

Hi grandma.

Have you met Jonny's girlfriend?

-Yes! -Yes.

She's a girl.

Well she was the last time I checked.

Maybe you two would like to have a quiet chat somewhere?

Yes, good idea.

Jonny?

Okay.

They locked me in the boot.

Jonny, have you got something you want to tell me?

What?

Is everything okay?

Yeah of course it is.

Yeah yeah everything's...

I'm sorry, it's not you it's me.

Well it is me, but it's also you.

What I mean is I like you, I really like you

and I work with you, well for you

and that's not awkward.

That's great, it's really great

and you're older than me.

Quite a bit older actually, but you're not too old.

No, but you are older and you've got a breadmaker and stuff

which doesn't mean anything, 'cause you know I like bread.

I really like bread, and I like toast.

I love toast, really don't I Mum?

Don't I?

Mummy?

Jonny.

What are you trying to say?

I'm sorry but I don't want to go out with you anymore.

[crying]

Oh, it's okay dear.

[crying]

Come on love.

Sorry.

Leaving so soon?

Yeah I'm going.

-Stop it. -Stop what?

-Open the door! -What door?

Just open the door!

Seriously I don't, I'll bite you, I will!

I bit Dad and I will bite you!

-Give me my keys! -Pardon me?

My keys, I want to go home, give me my keys!

-Do you mean these? -Bastard, ow!

Just give 'em to me you bloody piece of bloody shit!

They won't reach, you'll have to come in and get them.

-Open the door! -I can't at the moment.

You'll have to come in through the side.

-Through the kitchen! -Is it?

-Liz is in the kitchen. -Is she?

[Jonny] I hate you so bloody much!

Ahh.

-You'll find someone else. -Really?

Yeah, what do you think Adam?

Of course you will, but I've got a feeling

Jonny will come right back for you.

Do you think?

Jonny!

Excuse me.

Sorry, I just left my keys in the...

-Give me my fucking keys! -Get off of me!

[shouting]

Boys, oh!

Adam, Jonny!

-Jonny, Martin! -What?

Oh stupid prats.

Get up!

Stop it!

[laughing]

Stop it!

[laughing]

Young man.

Would you like a yogurt?

[laughing]

* I change shapes just to hide in this place *

* But I'm still I'm still an animal *

* Nobody knows it but me when I slip *

* Yeah I slip I'm still an animal *

* I change shapes just to hide in this place *

* But I'm still I'm still an animal *

* Animal