Original subtitles

[upbeat pop music]

[door slamming]

[Adam] Oh.

[Dad] Wait, I'm busy.

Well can you move?

Alright, come in then.

Thank you.

What you doing?

Hm?

What are you doing?

Looking for trilobites.

Trilobites?

You know, marine arthropods.

I found my old fossil collection.

Wow, every night's a party night round here.

Pardon?

Alright Pusface!

Pissface.

Hi mum.

[Mum] Hi.

Where's grandma?

Is she coming?

Oh, she's coming alright.

And you'll never guess who with?

How do I know who grandma's coming with?

Hi mum.

Hi Bobble.

One minute, you don't mean...?

Her new boyfriend.

Oh my god.

We're gonna meet grandma's new boyfriend!

Oh, I told you, Mister Morris is not grandma's boyfriend,

he's her...

[All] Male companion.

Exactly.

Male prostitute.

Stop it.

Jackie, I found a trilobite.

Muzzletopf.

When are they getting here?

Yeah good question.

They were meant to be here about...

Martin you do know that's butter you're eating?

What?

They're cubes of butter.

Oh I thought it was cheese.

Oh, and put a top on.

Mister Morris really won't wanna see your hairy udders.

Well he sees grandma's.

Very nice.

God, grandma with a man, ugh!

Yeah, ugh!

What do you mean ugh?

Yeah, what's wrong with your grandma going with men?

Oh, lovely way of putting it.

Well, she obviously went with a man to form you.

Nice image.

Thank you, Martin.

No, thank you all very much.

Tastes like cheese.

[upbeat funky music]

Sorry mum.

Yeah.

It's alright, it's just...

Since granddad died,

I've never seen my mum with another man.

I'm sure he'll be really nice.

Yeah mum.

Do you think so?

Well, if he's not,

we'll just strangle him and dissolve his body in acid.

[laughing]

Or chop him up and burn him.

[laughing]

Ah, that's my boys.

[dinging]

Oh, oh, text from grandma.

Grandma can text?

That's debatable.

"Dear Jackie"--

Dear, that's a good start.

"Sorry we are late, late.

"Now we are, we here.

"seven, seven, seven, seven."

Huh?

So that means?

It means they're here.

Oh my god, they're here!

They're here!

When are they coming?

They're here!

[Jonny] He's got a cool car.

[Mum] God, it's in pieces.

Did grandma say if Mister Morris had any eyes,

'cos I'm not sure he knows there's a house

right in front of him.

[Mum] Stop, stop!

[All] Stop!

[crashing]

Jesus!

Hello Mister Morris.

Your bloody house just broke my light.

There, drink mum?

Two sherries please.

One for you and one for?

Both for me.

Two sherries please.

Okay, two sherries.

Delightful bathroom.

Oh thank you, a drink Mister Morris, er, Lou?

There was no hand towel.

Oh I am sorry.

I had to dry my hands on the curtains.

What else could I do?

Not dry your hands on the curtains.

He's very clean.

Hygienical.

Um, would you like a drink?

I think I'll have champagne.

Champagne?

For this wonderful occasion.

Lou does like his champagne.

Um, I don't think we've got any cham--

Yes we do, there's a bottle in the fridge.

No, that's the special bottle.

Even better, the special bottle of champagne.

You know, your mother makes me very happy, look.

Oh!

[moaning]

I'm gonna get the drinks.

[Adam] So am I.

And so am I.

Martin.

I'm all randy.

[light upbeat music]

He likes the loo.

What?

He likes the loo, your friend.

The male.

The male.

Stop it, he'll be here in a minute.

After he's wiped his cock on the curtains.

Jonny!

Pow.

[knocking]

What's that?

[Mum] Mister Morris?

[Jonny] Well go on.

Bit scared?

[knocking]

Hello boys.

Oh, hi Jim, what are you?

[Mum] Who is it?

[Jonny And Adam] Jim.

[Mum] Oh.

Hello Jackie, um, something smells nice!

Why didn't you use the front door?

Well, that's the thing.

I couldn't get there, because, well,

did you know there's a car parked right up against it?

Yes, we know.

Joy-rider is it?

Um, sort of the opposite.

The guy's about a hundred.

I'm 82 thank you very much.

Hello Mister Morris.

Something wrong with my driving?

Um, not specifically your driving,

it's more specifically your parking.

Who is this man?

Oh a dog, I don't like dogs.

Dirty.

No, not Wilson, he's very clean.

Aren't you lovely?

You shouldn't allow dogs near food preparation areas.

Dirty.

He's not dirty

They're riddled with nits.

No, not Wilson.

I had him de-riddled.

Dirty, ugh.

Who's that man?

Sorry Jim, just ignore him.

He looked like Hitler.

It's, it's not Hitler is it?

Everything okay?

Er.

The man didn't like my driving?

We'll show him what a real driver is.

Will we?

If you're lucky, you can come with me later

to get a new bulb for my indicator.

And if we're unlucky?

[shushing]

Have you ever worked?

Have I ever worked he asks?

What am I, a layabout?

Of course I've worked.

Martin.

Actually I had a very exciting career.

[Mum] Did you?

I worked with the armed forces.

So you were in the army?

No, we put the buttons on the uniforms.

[snickering]

What?

Is that a thing?

Course it's a thing.

We had a machine.

Oh he had a big machine.

A very big machine.

[laughing]

What did he do again?

A button company.

Mutton company?

Just go and get the pickled cucumber would you?

Mutton company?

Yes, I had the biggest button sewing company around.

That is until Rutherford's came along.

He doesn't like Rutherford's.

Rutherford's!

They wouldn't know a button from a monkey's anus!

Very succulent chicken, my love.

Thank you.

You, little legs.

Me?

Excellent.

Have a guess how many staff I had

in London and the South East?

Um, four?

Four?

Four?

No, not you.

Don't listen to him.

You, Beanstalk.

How many staff do you think I had working for me

in London and the South East?

And the South East?

[Mister Morris] And the South East.

I dunno, a thousand?

A thousand!

A thousand!

Alright a hundred.

Less.

Ninety?

Much less.

Five?

More.

Five!

Six?

Eleven, alright.

I had eleven damned loyal people all working for me, right.

And do you know what?

Not one of them ever slandered me.

Really?

Did they Nellie?

What?

I was never slandered, tell them.

He was never slandered.

Pickle anyone?

Thank you Melvin.

Oh it's Martin.

[growling]

Calm down, you'll have a heart attack.

Oh, bloody thing.

You know that one doesn't open.

Do you know how many heart attacks I've had?

Oh good, more guessing.

Um, none?

Oh no, I've had some, not none.

You, your go.

Oh it's a horrible thing to have to guess, Mister Morris.

Um, one?

Why does everyone guess so low in this house?

You, Tiny Tim.

Thank you.

Um, a million.

A million heart attacks?

You, Skyscraper?

Um, four?

No, three.

Three heart attacks.

Is that a lot?

Have you ever had a heart attack?

No.

Would you like to have a heart attack.

Not really.

How do you think it feels to have had three,

three heart attacks?

Er, I wouldn't really know.

[groaning]

Is he having a real?

Mister Morris?

Mum?

Don't worry, he always does this.

Argh.

That's how it feels.

-[phone ringing] -Oh, please excuse me.

Lou Anthony Morris?

Shall I get the acid?

[shushing]

[Mister Morris] Why are you calling men now, I've ...

Mum?

Yes.

Mr Morris, er, he seems...

-Horrible. -Hitlerish.

Nice.

What?

Oh yes, and er, he's very kind.

Well maybe not kind, but er, well, you know...

Yeah.

[Mister Morris] What bloody business

is it of yours anyway?

Who's he on the phone to?

Mussolini?

I think I know who he's talking to.

Who?

His wife.

His what?

His wife?

I thought she was dead.

No, she's still alive.

She's ninety three.

[Mister Morris] What?

That's slander that is, you bony old hag!

Yes that's definitely his wife.

But they're divorced, yeah, mum?

Um...

[Mister Morris] Don't let's go through all that again.

Mum?

Grandma?

Grandma?

Alright, alright.

You mustn't say anything, but we're having an affair.

Do you know what you are?

You're a big bag of shit.

Your bloody wall just broke my phone.

Here, Pusface!

Oh.

Thank you.

[Jonny] Pleasure.

I can't believe it.

My 78 year old mother having an affair with

an 82 year old man.

Behind the back of his 93 year old wife.

That could definitely be a porno.

Sorry, I just have to um...

Where you going?

His usual hiding place no doubt.

Thank you, Martin, leave me in it!

Oh hello love.

Er, Lou wondered if there was any more champagne?

Oh, did he?

Yes, he said you were a bit mean with his first glass.

I was, was I?

Apparently, it was all froth.

Here grandma.

No, Jonny.

Let her get it herself.

Froth.

Is there something the matter dolly?

What do you think mum?

I don't know what you mean.

Okay, well, perhaps you can tell me

what are Mister Morris's intentions?

His intentions?

Oh come on mum, adultery, at your age?

Adultery?

No Jackie, it's not like that.

Well, what is it like then?

Excuse me.

I can't wait all night.

Oh.

Well, perhaps it's a bit like that.

[funky music]

[gagging]

Found you!

What you doing?

God, that bloody man.

Tell us about it.

I had to get away.

And you had to take your top off?

Er, yes I did.

Promise me when I get old

you'll just take me out and shoot me.

[Adam and Jonny] We promise.

Having fun with your stones?

Not really.

I can't find any more wretched trilobites.

That is a shame.

A big shame.

Why thank you for abandoning me.

I just had to watch Mister Morris

feed my mother pieces of apple.

From his own mouth.

Sexy.

Go on, Mr Morris wants Little and Large

to get a new headlight thingy with him.

What?

Really?

Yes really.

And anyway I want you to go with him.

Er, because?

Because I want you to ask him what his intentions

are towards your grandmother.

Ask him his intentions?

Sorry, are we in the 17th century?

Oh, just do it for me, thanks.

[crashing]

Shitting arthropods!

Pass us that book would you?.

[Adam] What book?

This one?

No not that one, the big one.

And the other one.

Er.

Come on, come on.

Oh that's better.

First things first.

One rule I have when I'm in the vehicle.

Okay.

Complete silence.

-Complete. -Not a word.

Er.

[shushing]

[ignition starting]

[crashing]

Er, Mister Morris.

Silence!

Where are they, stupid shop.

Adam, his intentions.

Why don't you do it?

Go on Little legs.

These are the ones.

Um, Mister Morris, can I ask you something?

Four pound forty four?

Well aren't you gonna pay?

For what?

For the bulbs of course.

Why do we have to pay?

Because if your grandmother had never existed,

I'd never had driven into your doorstep.

And that's actual logic is it?

Four pound forty four.

Yes alright.

Jonny, wallet.

I don't have any money.

Oh.

Thank you.

Oh um, Mister Morris.

Sorry, um, can I ask you something?

What?

Um, we just want to know, what are your, um,

what are your inten...sive interests?

My what?

Your intensive interests.

Four pound forty four.

Kindly pay the man.

Intensive interests?

Oh, I forgot something.

Well come on, give a man a bit of room.

Get out the way.

Can I also get um, a packet of those?

These?

Let me have a look at them.

No, I've used these before, they're too loose.

Too loose?

Adam, why is Mister Morris buying condoms?

They're more hygienical?

You do know he's gonna use them on grandma?

Well, technically he's gonna use

them on himself and then--

Please don't finish that sentence.

Oh yes, those are the ones.

Nice and tight.

You may pay now.

I'll be outside.

Hm, so those are his intensive interests.

Take this.

You're welcome.

Hi all, everything alright?

No, I'm worn out.

I'm having a lie down upstairs.

Er, are you um, okay?

I trust you have clean sheets?

Well, what are his?

Honourable.

Definitely honourable.

[upbeat funky music]

He has been a long time mum.

Shall I wake the man?

I wouldn't if I were you.

He doesn't like being woken.

I'm sure he'll be fine.

He once tore a light out of the wall.

Right.

Go on, go and check on Mister Morris.

Us?

Go on.

But what if he does that thing with the light?

Oh, just see that he's okay.

Boys.

Be careful.

[funky music]

He's still breathing.

We could smother him?

Adam, pocket.

The condoms.

Go on then.

Go on then what?

I think we should take them.

What?

Before mum sees them.

Don't be ridiculous.

She'll be really upset.

Go on, take them.

Me?

Again?

Go on.

This isn't good.

Hurry up.

I mean really.

This really isn't good.

-Got you! -[screaming]

You had your hand in my trousers.

No I didn't.

It was an accident!

An accident?

Yes, I slipped and--

He did, he slipped and--

-Crap and rubbish! -[crashing]

Jesus!

What's going on?

What happened to the light?

Your son was fiddling with my private parts.

What?

What?

He had his hand down my trousers.

No I didn't, I was--

Adam.

That makes you either a thief or a molester.

Which one are you?

-Er... -Thief's better

Say thief.

What were you doing in here?

Nothing, it was a mistake.

I am sorry, Mister Morris.

No, this is worse than Rutherford's!

What were you doing in there?

He just tore the light out of the--

And what were you doing to the man?

I wasn't doing anything.

You weren't, you know?

Of course I wasn't.

He was a bit.

Adam, tell me.

Mum, I can't okay.

Um, you can, and you will.

Ah, alright, god!

You know his intentions?

Yes.

Well, he bought a packet of--

Right, that's it.

Mum!

Mummy!

Never would I believe that

I'd be subjected to such a brutal sexual attack.

Mister Morris, it really wasn't a sexual--

Move out of my way please.

Nellie, we're going.

I've been sexually assaulted!

Get your coat Nellie, it's an outrage.

An absolute outrage, an absolute bloody, oh!

[crashing and thumping]

-Oh my god! -Shit!

[Mum] Oh my god!

Lou?

Lou?

Mister Morris!

What's going on?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

-Is he dead? -Lou!

[Adam] Sorry.

Oh.

Think you're tough do you?

I didn't mean to.

You filthy slanderer!

It's okay Mister Morris.

Let's see what you've got then.

Come on, put 'em up.

What?

Put 'em up half pint, come on.

Put 'em up?

Come on, come on, put 'em up!

Lou, stop it.

Mister Morris, please.

Oh, your top's come off has it?

You want some as well do you?

[Dad] Pardon.

Right.

-Mister Morris. -Lou.

Come on, put 'em up, put 'em up.

[Jonny] Mister Morris, you've had a nasty fall.

A thousand eh?

What?

A thousand workers at my factory?

Even Rutherford's didn't have a thousand!

And where do you think you're going Mister Molester?

Fiddling in an old man's undergarments!

Get off me!

[Grandma] Stop it Lou.

Pull your trousers up and fight like a man.

You're a lunatic!

Come on then.

Fight the lunatic!

Right you, enough!

Get off me!

[Mum] Careful Martin!

It's alright.

Move, move, move, Jackie.

Let me go you vermin!

-Come on, out! -No!

Slanderers!

Right, change of plan.

Everyone else out!

Go on that's it, run away, run away.

Sissies!

Slanderers!

Perverts!

[Adam] Dad!

[Mister Morris] Come back you coward!

[Mum] Lock the door, lock the door.

[Mister Morris] Let me out!

Christ!

He's a lunatic.

[Mister Morris] Slanderers!

Lou, please!

Rutherford lovers.

So what are we gonna do?

I don't know.

Martin, what are we gonna do?

Um, sell the house?

Oh very good.

[Mister Morris] Filthy...

Mum, what are we gonna do?

I'll tell you what we're going to do.

We're going to stand out here

and wait till he has another bloody heart attack.

Bunch of penises!

* I change shapes just to hide in this place *

* But I'm still, I'm still an animal *

* Nobody knows it but me when I slip, *

* Yeah I slip I'm still an animal *

* I change shapes just to hide in this place *

* But I'm still, I'm still an animal *

* Animal

[popping]