Original subtitles

Hello!

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

-Hi, Dad. -Will you move out of the way, please?

Nice to see you, too.

Uh, hello!

-Hi. -Hi. What's with the music?

Mum, do you want the flowers on the side or on the table?

-JACKIE: Table! -Okay.

Flowers on the table?

Excuse me.

-Put the flowers on the... -I'm doing it.

Hello, Dad. God, Dad looks smart.

-Jonny, can you... Oh, hi, Adam. -Hi, Mum.

-Can you open a bottle of wine, please? -Sure.

-A nice bottle. -Right.

A nice bottle?

Um, what is physically happening?

-What's... -Hmm?

Why are there Mum's posh bowls?

Mmm.

A single rose?

-[LUTE PLAYING] -And is that somebody playing the lute?

-Hmm? -Is the Lord Mayor coming or something?

No, not the Lord Mayor. Red or white?

-JACKIE: Red! -Wait a minute.

There are five knives and forks down there.

-Why are there five? -Are there?

One, two, three, four, five.

Oh, yeah. [WHISTLING TUNE]

-So who's... -Move!

Oh.

Sorry, why's the house like bloody Hampton Court all of a sudden?

-Who is coming round? -The house looks nice, doesn't it?

Jonny, don't eat any more bread.

-Yes, it's very nice, but... -Doesn't Mum's hair look lovely?

Oh, thanks, darling.

Okay. In a moment, I'm literally going to puncture one of your lungs.

Put that down!

-Can you just tell me who's... -[DOORBELL RINGS]

-Jesus, is that the door? -I'll get it.

-Who is it? -JONNY: Getting it, Mum!

-I'll get it. -Just tell me who it is!

Promise me you won't get annoyed.

You are so going to love this.

-Hello, Tanya. Oh, you look nice. -Thank you.

-MUM: Come in. -Oh, my God! It's Tanya Green!

I can't believe it. She's invited Tanya Green round?

-Yep. -For dinner?

Ah, dinner date.

-What? -A dinner date,

in front of your entire family.

-JACKIE: You've met Martin. -Yes. Hello.

-Pardon? -Hello.

Yes, hello.

-This is Jonny. -I'm the cool one.

Hi.

And this is my eldest son, Adam.

-Hello. -Hello.

-Do you remember Adam at all? -Um, not very well...

-He is quite forgettable. -Thank you.

Well, Tanya's joining us for Friday night dinner.

-Isn't that nice? -Yes. Very.

Um, Mum, can we just...

Well, aren't you going to give her a kiss, then?

-What? -A kiss hello.

Go on.

Um...

-Excuse my son. No manners. -It's okay.

He's just very shy.

-Okay, shall we... -Mum, can we just...

Jonny, take Tanya's coat, would you? One sec, love.

JACKIE: What?

Why didn't you tell me Tanya Green was invited?

-What? -Why didn't you tell me

-Tanya Green was coming? -I did tell you.

No, you didn't.

-Didn't I? -You know you bloody didn't!

JONNY: We can all sort of hear you.

Coming! Stop it, Adam!

Okay, right, lovely. So, Tanya, if you'd like to come through.

-Thank you. -Move along, move along!

-Females first! [LAUGHING] -Yep. Females first. [MIMICS KISSING]

That's it. If you sit over there.

And Adam, if you sit...

-No, Martin. -What?

Oh, yes. Yes, I'm meant to sit over there.

[LAUGHING] No, you're meant to sit next to...

-"Tanya." -Brilliant.

Go on, Adam, sit down.

-Hello. -Hello again.

There.

Isn't this nice?

-Yeah, thanks again for inviting me. -Pleasure.

It's funny, 'cause I didn't know you were coming at all.

-Did I, Mum? -Hmm? Crisp?

-Ooh, thank you. -[TEXT MESSAGE BEEPS]

Oh. Your bloody phone.

-All right! -So rude.

JACKIE: How's mum? TANYA: Fine, yeah. She sends her love.

JACKIE: Oh. And Dad? TANYA: Good.

Dickwad.

-What? -Oh, nothing.

Have you travelled far?

Sorry. Have I travelled far?

Our dad's from the 18th century.

Martin, she's Joan's daughter. They live in Elstree.

-A tree? -Amazing.

-[LOUDLY] In Elstree. -Oh.

Yes, in Elstree, but in a tree!

[LAUGHING] Hasn't she got a lovely sense of humour?

Yes.

You know that Mum said the last time me and Adam were together,

-we were both in our nappies. -Aw.

-And he's wearing them tonight. -Very good.

Actually, I think the last time you were together

-was probably when you were in the bath. -Mum!

What? Oh, you two were so sweet back then.

-Like two little buttons! -Please.

Where are the baby photos?

Ooh! The baby photos.

Mum, Tanya really doesn't want to see the baby photos.

Doesn't she? You want to see the baby photos, don't you, Tanya?

Oh, yeah, I love old photos.

Mmm. They're here somewhere.

-[BELCHES] Oh, excuse me! -Martin!

-Nice one, Dad. -JACKIE: Sorry, Tanya.

I think I ate too much parsley.

Parsley? When were you eating parsley?

Hmm?

Um, I'm going to go and get a drink. Anyone...

-Here they are! -Great.

Oh, look. [CHUCKLING]

Oh, my God! I look like a potato.

You don't look like a potato. You were a beautiful baby.

Oh, I love this one.

Me in the bath. Good. Excellent.

-Why are you standing up? -He was always standing in the bath.

Such an exhibitionist!

Okay. Does Tanya really have to see my, you know...

-Little button? -[JACKIE LAUGHING]

Right. I'm going to go. Mum...

Mum...

[SIGHS] One minute, love.

-Oh, look, more bath time. -[LAUGHS]

JACKIE: More standing up!

Lovely girl.

-What are you doing? -What am I doing?

-Oh, I'm going. -[SOFTLY] Going? Don't be so stupid.

I'm not being stupid. I'm going home.

You're bloody not. Now, take that off!

-Get off me! -No!

-Let go of me! -No, I will not let go!

What's wrong with you? She's a lovely girl.

Lovely girl.

-I can't believe you'd do this to me. -Do what to you?

Jonny, don't leave your dad inside with her,

he'll only start talking about Isaac Newton or something.

He also invented the first practical reflecting telescope.

Right.

So, what, you just phoned her up and asked her round, just like...

-all on her own? -Yes. What's wrong with that?

What? And you just happened to have her number?

Yes, her mobile. Val gave it to me. Oh, isn't she a lovely girl?

Can you please stop saying what a lovely girl she is!

She is a lovely girl. Ow!

You really don't know how embarrassing this is.

-We do. -Shut up, Jonny.

Seriously, Mum, I'm going home.

I am telling you now, you are not going anywhere.

You have a bloody guest in there and you're going to bloody talk to her.

-Now, grow up! -Grow up?

She just saw my cock! My little baby cock!

Oh, sorry. I just wondered where the toilet was?

Oh, hi, Tanya. No, it's just, um, through there.

-Thanks. -No problem.

Well, do you fancy the girl?

[RUBBING HANDS TOGETHER]

But the theory goes that it was actually a kidney stone

-that finally killed him. -I see.

1727. It was a tragedy.

-Dad. -Martin, Tanya really doesn't want

to hear about Isaac Newton's kidney stones when she's eating.

No, it's okay. I bet they were delicious!

[LAUGHING] Yeah.

But not as delicious as this lovely bit of squirrel.

Eh, Tina?

It's Tanya.

Oh, yes. Tanya.

-So, um, you're a musician? -Failed musician.

Ignore him. He's an estate agent.

-Yes. It's called a proper job. -For proper losers.

-My dad's an estate agent. -Right.

And what company does he...

Jonny, pass Tanya some more vegetables, would you?

Oh, thanks.

Yeah, so, what sort of music do you do?

-Oh, he's had hit after hit. -Thank you.

Well, mainly stuff for advertising campaigns and things.

-He's a jingle writer. -Composer.

Of jingles.

-Pusface? -No, thanks.

Oh!

-What? -Um...

No. Nothing.

So, your music, would I have heard any of it?

There was that one for diarrhoea tablets.

-Dishwasher tablets. -Jonny!

Adam, why don't you ask Tanya a bit about herself?

Thanks, Mum, I do know how to talk to other humans.

[BELCHES]

-Oh, Martin! -Dad!

Can you please stop burping?

Oh, I am sorry. It's all that parsley I had.

Sorry, when were you eating all this parsley?

-Hmm? -When were you eating parsley?

Earlier. I fancied a bit.

-What? Raw parsley? -Well, I only had a couple of sprigs.

-I do apologise. -It's fine, honest.

So, you work for Coke, don't you? Coca-Cola?

Yeah, I do, like, marketing and PR, you know...

Oh, Coca-Cola? Wonderful business.

I mean, the owners must be multi-millionaires.

Obviously they're multi-millionaires.

-Sorry? -Obviously the owners of Coca-Cola

are multi-millionaires.

Are they multi-millionaires?

-Um, I would think so, yeah. -See?

So where do you work, then? America?

Um, England.

England, right, right.

Well, England's a fabulous country.

Yes, it's very nice.

Course, you know what they used to call us?

TANYA: What?

You know what they used to call us? England?

-No, what was that? -Perfidious Albion.

-Dad. -Martin!

Sorry? Perfid... What did you say?

-Sorry? -What did he say?

-Perfidious Albion. -Perfidious Albion, yes.

[LAUGHING]

And what is that? What is Perfidious Albion?

-Well, it's what they used to call us. -Oh.

In other words, we weren't very popular.

[LAUGHING]

[HAWKING]

[GURGLING]

Mmm. Oh!

Yeah, could you...

pass us the pickled cucumber, would you?

[LAUGHING] Perfidious Albion.

There's no point. It doesn't open.

Mmm.

-Oh, no. It's stuck. -I told you.

-Here, let me have a go. -What? Mr Muscles?

-Ignore him. So, marketing and PR? -Yeah.

-Do you want to stand up and try that? -No, I'm okay, thanks.

-You sure? -Yes. Quite sure.

I'm telling you all, it doesn't open.

So, why did you put it out, then?

Because it's Friday night and we've got a guest.

Oh, it's fine, honestly. I'm not really a pickle person.

[LAUGHING] "A pickle person."

-Here, I'll do it. -Of course. Mr Muscles.

-[GRUNTING] -Jesus.

Jonny, it doesn't open.

Hold on. No, I'm gonna get it this time. Seriously.

Oh, that's right. Use the full force of those powerful legs.

-He's so gay. -Okay, stop it now.

-You'll hurt yourself. -No. Keep going.

Jonny, please, stop. You'll have a heart attack!

No, keep going. Have a heart attack.

-MARTIN: Jonny... -Nearly there. I think it's gonna...

[GROANING]

Oh, my God. Sorry! I'm sorry.

-Are you all right? Jonny! -[GROANING]

It wasn't me, it was the jar! It was the jar!

-You shitting idiot! -Martin!

-Sorry, Ad. -My nose.

[GROANING]

Oh, has he just...

No, of course I haven't!

[MOUTHING]

I'm bleeding, I'm bleeding!

Put your nose under the tap.

You really are an idiot, Jonny!

I'm going to kill you, you little bastard!

It wasn't me, it was the jar.

-Careful you don't drown him, Martin. -[WATER SPLASHING]

ADAM: It's hot water! MARTIN: What?

ADAM: That's hot water! You're burning my nose!

JACKIE: You're burning his nose!

-Cold water! -Hot water. Hot water.

-Tell me, is that better? -It's hotter!

[JONNY LAUGHING]

ADAM: [SCREAMING] Cold water!

-One second, love. -MARTIN: That is cold water.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

-Um... -ADAM: It's the other one!

Someone's at the front door.

-Cold water! -[DOORBELL RINGING]

[ADAM CONTINUES SCREAMING]

-Oh, hello, Jackie. -Um, I'm not Jackie.

No, of course you're not. Silly me!

No, Jackie has got a completely different face and body.

Yes, um... Jackie?

No, you're a visitor.

I guess so.

I suppose we're all visitors, in a way. Visiting this plane of existence.

Right.

[WILSON PANTING]

-That's a nice dog. -Is he?

Yes. Yes, he is.

Mrs Goodman!

Sorry, love... Oh, hello, Jim.

Hi, Jackie. You look...wet.

What? Oh! Uh...

-Tanya, why don't you go inside and... -Yeah. Sure.

-She's a visitor. -Sorry?

You know what you are? A bloody arsehole!

-Adam! -Am I?

No, not you, no. He's just had a nosebleed.

Listen, Jim, Tanya's here at the moment,

so maybe if you came back later...

That's the problem, you see.

-Problem? -I'm sort of locked out.

-Oh. -Sort of lost my front door key.

-Sort of? -Yes.

Do you know where you lost it?

Yes.

Inside Wilson.

-Inside Wilson? -Mmm. Swallowed it.

-Oh. -Yes.

We were playing a sort of game and it sort of went a bit wrong.

Oh, dear. Well, does anyone else have a key?

-Yes, my brother does. -Great!

But he's in Uganda.

Oh, right. Um...

So, how are you going to get it back?

Well, I suppose I'll just have to wait outside here until he's...

you know, ready.

-Ready? -Yeah.

Perhaps you could get me some old newspaper to put down

for when he...you know.

-Oh, and Jackie? -What?

Maybe a wet flannel.

-Excellent crumble, Mum. -Mmm, it's delicious.

Thanks, and there's more cream here if anyone wants.

Oh, I wouldn't mind.

-Adam? -TANYA: I love crumble.

Oh, everyone loves crumble!

-Crimble-crumble! -Crimble-crumble!

-Crimble-crumble! -[CHUCKLES]

[MUFFLED] Crimble-crumble!

Hello, everyone.

-Aw, are you all right now, bobble? -Yeah.

-You okay? -Sorry, Ad.

No, it's okay.

Adam, do you know you've got a piece of tissue up your nose?

Yes, I do know, Dad. Thank you.

It is a good look, though.

Oh, I'm mad! The tea!

How about a nice cup of tea, everyone? Tanya?

Oh, yes, please, if you're making.

Of course, love. Jonny, put the kettle on, would you?

-Me? -Ha ha.

Actually, no, I'll do it.

He'll only put bleach in my cup or something.

Bleach and two sugars.

[JACKIE LAUGHING]

[SIGHS]

-Oh! -Sorry!

-Jesus, Dad! -All right. Calm down.

It's not like I was going to molest you!

Right. Thank you. That's good to know.

-What do you want? -Hmm?

-What do you want? -What do I want?

-Yes. -Nothing, nothing.

Okay.

You know, this could take some time, so you might want to...

No, no, it's fine.

So, um...the...the...

-The what? -The girl...

The girl? She does have a name, you know.

-Yes, but it got rubbed off. -Ah.

All right then, the female.

Female? No, actually, stick with girl.

Didn't I tell you she's a lovely girl?

-Lovely girl. -Yes, she's very nice.

-Now, can we just leave... -Pretty as well.

Yep, all right. She is quite pretty.

I would.

Jonny, go back in there! Coming, Tanya!

Just saying, I would.

-She's a pretty girl, isn't she, Martin? -Very pretty. Nice bum.

I'm glad you noticed.

Right, can you just leave me now? I can make tea on my own, you know.

Oh, there's no milk.

Oh, Adam, go round the corner for me, would you?

What? Go round the corner?

Yeah, you can ask Tanya to go with you.

Don't be ridiculous, I'm not going to ask Tanya to go round...

Tanya?

[GROANS]

-You're still here? -Yes. Still here.

Still waiting. That's it. Come on, come on, Wilson.

[BARKS SOFTLY]

Right, well we're just going to...

Ah! That's why you're visiting.

You're Jonny's girlfriend!

-Adam's. I'm Adam. -Sorry, Adam's girlfriend.

-Um, I'm not... -She's not my girlfriend.

-Not yet. Hi, Jim. -Thanks, Jonny.

Any time.

-No, we're just friends. -Yeah. Just friends.

Friends. It's nice to have friends.

-Okay, shall we... -Yeah, sure.

[MOUTHING]

JIM: That's it, Wilson. Come on, squeeze.

Squeeze!

-He's really not funny. -He is a bit funny.

No, I think the correct word to describe my brother is "tit".

[LAUGHS]

Um, Tanya, can I ask you something?

Sure, what?

-It's something I really want to know. -Okay.

Do you think that this has been the most awkward,

embarrassing evening ever?

[CHUCKLING] Yes. Definitely.

Good. I'm glad I'm not the only one.

Actually, I'm trying to think what could possibly make it

even more awkward and embarrassing.

-[TEXT MESSAGE BEEPS] -Sorry. It's probably my mum.

-Checking up on you? -Probably.

No. It's your mum.

Is it? What's it say?

"Please remind Adam to get some condoms."

That might not have been from my mum.

Right.

There, there.

-Nice walk? -Um...

-Everything all right, Jim? -Yes, all done.

See? Got the key.

-Great. Well done. -Thanks, Jackie.

-Just no one go near this stick. -Uh...

Come in, love.

-Ooh, Jonny? -Adam.

What?

So, this, um...this friend.

-Tanya. -Tanya.

-She's a woman, isn't she? -Um, yes.

-I knew this woman once. -Did you?

-Oh, yes. We met in a cave. -Right.

And then there was the other one.

-The other one? -You remember the other one, don't you?

The angry lady.

[GROWLS]

-Okay, I'm just going to go... -Yes.

-Women... -JACKIE: Adam!

Coming!

-Your mother's a woman. -Right. Well, thanks, Jim.

If I may, one little piece of advice,

-vis-a-vis women... -Okay.

Never...

Okay, I'll try to remember that. Thanks again, Jim.

Don't mention it! Bye, Adam.

-Jonny... -[DOOR SLAMS SHUT]

Hmm.

-Here, love. -Thanks.

-And thanks for a lovely evening. -Oh, you're welcome.

-It has been lovely, hasn't it, Adam? -Yes, Mum.

You know, we really must do this again.

Oh, Adam, get the milk, would you? I've left it inside.

Sorry, I'm really not getting up again.

I'll go.

-It's his arthritis. -Ha ha.

-Of the balls. -Jonny!

Um, excuse me, I just need to use the bathroom.

Of course.

-Oh, she does have a nice bum. -Martin!

By the way, I really want to thank you both

for such a wonderful evening.

-My pleasure. -No, seriously, great night.

Well, perhaps next time you can find your own bloody girlfriend.

-MARTIN: Adam? -What?

I think she likes you.

-Who? -Who? Who do you think?

-The girl. The female. -Oh, female.

She does.

Really? Do you think?

She's a lovely girl.

Oh, where is that milk? Jonny!

I'll get it, it's all right.

Use the jug. We've got a guest.

The jug. Pissface!

We've got... The bloody shits!

Mum!

[BOTH MOANING]

JACKIE: What?

-What is it? -MARTIN: What?

Lovely girl.