Original subtitles

[HORN HONKING]

You idiot! You could have scratched our Mercedes!

Scratched your Mercedes?

You could have killed me, you stupid cow!

-Wait, is that Adam? -What?

Sheila. Sheila Bloom.

[UNCOMFORTABLY] Oh, hello, Sheila. Hi. How are you?

Fine. You remember my husband, don't you?

Um, yes. Hello, Mr Bloom.

Um, sorry that I called you...

-How's your Mum? -Oh, yeah, fine.

-Dad? -Good, good.

-And you? -Yup.

Girlfriend?

Uh, no. Not... Not at the moment.

Not to be rude, but if you were a bit more careful,

then things like this wouldn't happen.

-Okay. -Because, to be honest,

our Mercedes would cost considerably more to repair than your, um, Yugo.

Um, it's a Nissan.

Who knows, you might even find yourself a nice girlfriend.

Well, goodbye. Go on, Eddie.

[STARTS ENGINE]

Bitch.

-Surprise! -Surprise!

Aw, thanks. Thank you.

-Happy birthday, Pusface. -Oh, very good.

-Mmm. Mmm. -Get off!

-Yeah, happy birthday, bambino. -Thanks, Dad. You look brown.

It was the sun.

Um, yes. What's with the doorbell?

-And the coat rack? -MARTIN: Broken.

You know everything's broken in this house?

-Including your dad's brain. -Hi, Mum.

What? My hearing machine's all clogged up with ear wax.

Oh, your poor ankle. I'm sorry, Mum.

-Here. -Oh, thank you, bobble. Happy birthday.

Oh, they're gorgeous. Jonny, put these in a vase.

Dad, put these in a vase.

-You all right? -[GROANS] I'm on crutchlings!

-Aw... -Bloody jellyfish.

So what happened again? It stung you?

I told you, I got stung on the ankle.

-And then... -Then I fell over

-and sprained the other one. -[LAUGHS]

-It's not funny. -It is a bit funny.

-What's funny? -Nothing.

-Mum's ankle. -Oh, yeah, that is funny.

-Please stop eating cream! -What?

Oh, just go and put this inside, would you?

-Dad, put this inside, would you? -Mind my foot!

-Oh, guess who I just saw? -Who?

-Bitchface. -[GASPS] Sheila Bloom?

-What was she doing? -Um, trying to run me over.

-In her stupid Mercedes? -Of course.

Oi, Pissface,

-what are you doing in there? -Nothing!

Martin, Adam just saw Bitchface.

-You saw Sheila Bloom? -Yep.

-In her stupid Mercedes? -Yep.

Can you believe Dad once went on a date with that woman?

Dad went on a date with Bitchface?

It was before your mother. Just a few dates.

-A few? You told me it was one. -Did I?

Well, we didn't really get up to much, you know, business.

-Uh... -Thanks, Dad.

What do you mean, "much business"?

Looking forward to your birthday dinner?

Yeah, course.

-What have you been doing in here? -Nothing.

-Oh, you do know Dad's making it? -Ha ha.

Well, you didn't think I was doing the cooking, did you?

-No, but... -Yeah, Adam, you know Mum's crippled.

-Thank you, Jonny. -But... Dad?

You've never really made dinner before.

-What? -You've never made dinner.

-No. -Right.

And now you're making my birthday dinner.

Yes, I know.

We could always just go for a Chinese.

Yes, but a Chinese won't be as nice as this, will it?

[HISSING]

-Won't it? -What is it?

-It's a surprise. -Ahh!

-I'd rather it wasn't a surprise. -All right.

Uh, potatoes and some meat.

-Potatoes and some meat? -Mmm, prison food.

Dad really is making my birthday dinner?

Oh, I'm sorry, darling. What can I do?

Anyway, I'm banned from the kitchen. Look.

-Martin? -MARTIN: Oh, bloody go away!

See?

-[TOILET FLUSHING] -Where's the birthday boy?

Grandma, you're here! I didn't know Grandma was here.

-[LAUGHS] Surprise! -Thank you.

JACKIE: You all right now, Mum?

Oh, yes, dolly. I'm much better now, thank you.

-I had, um, a bit of, you know. -Right.

Grandma, do you remember what you were going to say to Adam?

-What? -That thing.

What thing?

Oh, yes.

Happy birthday, Pusface.

No, I love them. I really do.

-Do you? -Yeah.

The microwave and the knife sharpener.

Electric knife sharpener.

Yes, and the hand-held Hoover device thing.

-They're really... -Shit?

-Thank you. -Practical.

Yes. Practical. Lovely, practical presents.

Oh, Jackie, did you get me my bikini?

-Yes, Mum, I got you your bikini. -Sorry. Bikini?

Yes, from Spain. She wanted one.

-Is it the right size? -Well, it's the size you asked, Mum.

-38 double G. -[LAUGHING]

-What? -Nothing.

-Can you go and get it, then? -Mum, I can't get it now, can I?

Oh, yeah. Okay, then. Don't worry.

I'll go. I'll go!

She really wants that bikini.

-But no bikini for Dad? -What? I'm hot.

-Martin. Is it going to be long? -Yeah. Meat's not ready yet.

Still not ready? What meat is it? Horse?

[MARTIN LAUGHING]

-Here. -What's that?

Well, what do you think it is?

-From you? -Yeah.

-Thanks, Dad. -Yeah, I hope you like it.

I just thought, you know, you were always interested in...

ADAM: The SS?

Yeah, you were always interested in the war, so...

-Um... -Martin?

-The SS? -The SS.

Yeah, 'cause he used to love the war. Remember?

I'm not sure about "loved the war".

I was kind of interested when we did it at school. But the SS?

Wonderful present for a Jewish son. A book on the SS?

-It's very good. -Um, thanks, Dad.

No, it's, um... No, it's really nice of you.

Yeah, see?

Sorry, I can't believe you bought him that.

You said you were buying him a book about the war.

It is about the war.

There are quite a lot of pictures of the SS.

Well, what do you expect? Your brother!

-Yeah. -Well, you do like it, don't you?

Yeah, Dad, it's just... You'd imagine a book on the SS

might sort of focus on all the bad things they did, the atrocities?

-The SS! -And this one, it's... Well...

weapons of the SS, medals of the SS,

-heroes of the SS, you know... -It is a bit SS-y.

-Just take it away, please. It's dirty. -It's not dirty!

-It's dirty, just take it away. -Sorry, Dad.

And don't let my mother see it.

I can't find it anywhere.

Oh, the SS. You lucky boy!

-Oh, finally! -Yeah.

Don't touch!

[SIGHING] Well, make some room, will you? God!

[GRUMBLING]

Lovely party atmosphere he's created.

Yes, try and remember it's your son's birthday.

-You all right there, Mum? -Oh, yes, thank you, Jackie.

Have you had your hair done?

-No, I haven't, actually. -Really?

-Yeah. -Oh, I think you should.

JONNY: Brilliant.

-Oh! -Even more brilliant. Oh, come on!

-JACKIE: Oh, boys! -Stop it, Adam!

-Me? -How are you going to find yourself

a bloody female if you act like a bloody baby the whole time?

-Yes! Females! -Martin. Leave him. It's his birthday.

Yes, thank you. Can we please have a ban on the F-word, just for tonight?

Oh, really?

So what did you mean when you said, um, "not much business"?

Sorry?

You and Sheila Bloom, "not much business"?

Oh, we're not still talking about that, are we?

-Honestly, nothing happened. -Honestly?

Yeah, it was yonks ago and really, we hardly had sex.

-Oh, please! -Dad!

What do you mean "hardly"?

Jackie, has Martin got somebody pregnant?

Mum!

Jon-Jon, who was the lady that Martin got pregnant?

-Sheila Bloom. -JACKIE: Shut up, Jonny.

-In the back of her Mercedes. -Ignore them, Mum.

No one's pregnant. Martin didn't get anyone pregnant.

-Did you? -What?

-Get Bitchface pregnant? -No.

To be honest, she never gave me the chance!

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

-I'll get it! -No, I'll get it.

We'll talk about this later.

Hello? Oh, hi. Are you?

-Okay, then. -Who is it?

-Coming. -Who is it?

-Oh. -Hello, Adam.

-Jonny. -I'm Adam.

Oh, yes, no, it's just I was passing and I noticed

that your doorbell wasn't working.

-I'm not on the phone any more, Jim. -What?

Oh, yes.

No, your bell's not working, so I thought I'd just, um...

-let you know. -Thanks.

Did you know?

Well, yes, there is a sign.

Yes, a sign, eh, Wilson?

Is your mother in?

Um, Jim, it's Friday night. We're just about to have dinner.

Yes, of course.

JACKIE: Who is it? BOTH: Jim!

-Oh. -Hi, Jackie!

Um, ooh! Something smells...

-Okay, well... -Who's Pusface?

-No one. -Adam is.

Are you?

-Hmm, Pusface? -It's a nickname, a Jewish nickname.

Is it? Oh!

Is there anything special that Jewish people get for their birthdays?

-What? -JACKIE: Come on, boys!

Coming! Um, I'm going to... It's sort of my birthday dinner.

-Yes, of course. Happy birthday. -Thank you.

Actually, Jim, there is something we give each other on our birthdays.

-Oh, yes? -Yeah.

It's kind of traditional to give a big basket of fruit

to the eldest son of the family.

-A big basket of fruit? -Mmm, yeah.

I've never heard of that. Right.

Any particular type of fruit?

Yeah, well, only green-coloured ones, really.

Sort of apples, grapes...

-Kiwis? -Yeah. They're allowed, yeah.

-Pears? -No. No, pears are forbidden.

-I understand. Your traditions. -Traditions, yeah.

This basket of fruit, does it have a name?

Yes, it does. It is called a...schmoigel.

[MUMBLES]

-What? -A schmoigel.

Schmoigel.

-JACKIE: Jonny? -Coming.

-Schmoigel. -Schmoigel.

Oh, that man, every Friday night. Doesn't he know we're Jewish?

-Oh, he knows. -What else did he want?

-Oh, nothing. -Are you ready now?

Yeah, I'm ready for my poisoning.

Well, first of all, I've made you some lovely potatoes.

-Um... Lovely? -There's not a lot of them, Dad.

Yes, well, these ones are meant to be quite dense, apparently.

A dense meal.

Yeah. And now for the best bit. Ta-da!

-Is it clay? -Clay?

-Is that the meat? -Of course it's the meat.

-All right. Anyone want to carve? -Can it be carved?

That does look very dry, Martin.

It really was potatoes and some meat.

Aww! Martin, you do know you've shrunk the beef?

-Shrunk the beef? -Brilliant.

I'll carve, then.

[SQUEAKING]

[GRUNTING]

Should meat squeak?

Tuck in, birthday boy.

-Dad? -What?

-I think we should go for a Chinese. -A Chinese?

-Yes, let's go for a Chinese. -Don't be stupid!

Martin, he's right. I think we should go for a Chinese.

Go for Chinese? It's delicious. Right, look.

Yeah, let's go for a Chinese.

Okay, now, slowly, Jackie, slowly.

Jackie, what sort of food is Chinese?

Mum, I've told you, you've had Chinese food.

Ow, you're pinching me, you're pinching me!

Well, thank you, Martin. More pain.

-Is it like Greek? -Uh, probably the opposite.

-Oh, no! The Mercedes. -MARTIN: What?

Bitchface.

-Nice to see you, Jackie. -Oh, and you.

Didn't mention my foot once. Not once!

All she talked about was her stupid Mercedes.

They've had it re-sprayed.

-Yeah. For when they go dogging. -Jonny!

-ADAM: Good one. -What you talking about?

Your girlfriend, who you hardly had sex with.

Would you like some green tea before your meal?

-MARTIN: Great, thanks. -Thank you.

-Mmm. -Mmm, ketchup.

Uh-oh. Miss Mercedes alert.

I still don't know how you could do things with that woman.

What? Not this again. I told you, it was years ago.

Dad, we're not suddenly going to find out we're actually her children, are we?

-Thank you, Adam. -Oh, here she comes. Our real mum.

-Nice meal? -Mmm. Very nice, thank you.

We didn't like it. We just told the manager,

he's going to give us some free vouchers.

It's not as good as the one in town.

Right.

-Hi, Jonathan. -Hello.

Hello again, Adam.

Oh, of course, you saw each other earlier.

Yes. We had a little chat, didn't we?

Um...

How are you doing, Martin?

Yeah, fine, fine.

Oh, you know my mother?

Oh, yes, of course. You doing all right there, Mrs Buller?

-Hello. Who is it? -Sheila. Sheila Bloom.

Oh, yes. Are you the pregnant lady?

-Sorry? -Grandma, have some more rice.

The one that Martin got pregnant?

And your mother? I forgot to ask. She was quite unwell.

Yes, well, she, um... She passed away about six weeks ago.

Oh, I am sorry. Oh, I had no idea.

-Yeah, sorry. -It was terrible.

-She had been quite ill. -Very sad.

We thought she was getting better

and then she suddenly just went downhill.

Eddie rushed her to the hospital in the, you know, Mercedes.

And even though he's a fast driver and the Mercedes is a fast car,

a very fast car, well, he just couldn't get her in there in time.

And, well, she just... She just died.

That's awful.

-In the Mercedes. -[BOYS SNICKERING]

Sorry, I missed that, where was it her mother died?

-In the Mercedes. -[BOTH LAUGHING]

Right, Eddie, get the coats.

[ADAM AND JONNY LAUGHING]

Shh!

[LAUGHING]

Oh...

What must she think of us?

Hmm, that as a family we just find leukaemia really funny?

I can't believe you're actually going to do this.

Well, what else are we meant to do? Oh, you are such an idiot, Martin.

How was I to know he'd have the same coat?

All you had to do was put it on a separate hook.

-It's got the bloody house keys in it. -All right!

-Go on, you'd better go with your dad. -What?

-Go on. -We're not going.

-You are. -No way. Why don't you go?

Because I'm crippled, remember? Now just go and get your dad's jacket.

Sorry, there is no way I'm knocking on that woman's door,

having just laughed at her dying mother.

-Dead mother. -Correct. Dead mother.

-Okay. Can we go now? -What if she says Mercedes again?

-Oh, God! -Oh, just stop moaning

and get out the car.

What if Dad suddenly starts humping Bitchface?

-Jonny! -Oh, for Christ's sake!

All I did was kiss her breasts a little. Now, come on!

You what?

I kissed her breasts a little.

-It was ages ago. -You kissed Bitchface's breasts?

-What are they talking about? -Dad's breast-kissing.

What's so unusual about that? I kiss your breasts.

-Oh! -Please!

Right, I'm now getting out the car.

And I'm also now getting out the car.

Martin.

Just go and get the coat!

It was only her breasts.

[DOOR SHUTS]

Your mother!

-You're ringing the bell. -No, you're ringing the bell.

Shut up. It's my birthday. You're ringing the...

-Oh, God. -Hey, Adam.

Oh, hello, Sheila. Sorry to bother you, but...

Thank you.

[CHUCKLING]

-Something funny? -No.

You sure?

-Yes. -Yep.

-Come on, Dad. -Yeah, one minute.

-It's my coat. -Great.

-Thank you. -Bye!

-Yeah. -Nightmare, nightmare, nightmare.

Agony, agony, agony, agony.

Ah, freedom.

-How was it? -I got me coat.

-Did you get your coat? -I got me coat.

-What did she say? -Well, luckily she didn't say

-the M-word. -Let's go.

-Why is she still watching us? -ADAM: Um, because she hates us?

JONNY: Seriously, can we just go? MARTIN: Bloody gearbox.

Bye, Sheila!

-[TYRES SCREECHING] -Ooh!

[GASPS]

Shit! Shit on it!

[CRYING] The Mercedes! My Mercedes!

[ALL LAUGHING]

[MOCKINGLY] "The Mercedes"!

My Mercedes!

Why are we all laughing?

Oh, my God. So embarrassing. So you'll do all those things, will you?

-What? -The car insurance stuff.

Yes, I told you.

And Martin, can you fix that bloody coat rack, please?

Ja, mein Capitan!

And feel free to hang yourself from it.

Oh, here it is, Mum, your bikini.

It was under my cardie.

My bikini! Oh, thank you, dolly. Thank you.

And now for the Miss World Over-70s category...

You have a nice lie down, love.

I'd rather you didn't kiss me anywhere tonight, thank you.

[JACKIE GROANING]

Boys, let me give you a bit of advice. Never marry a woman.

[GROANING]

Fantastic birthday.

Oh, yeah. I hope mine'll be as good as this.

Can you stop shining that thing in my eyes, you div?

Hello, you two.

-Oh. Hi, Jim. -Hi.

That number plate's going to need screwing back.

That's what I'm doing.

Right, well, this is for you.

-Um, what is it? -A schmoigel.

-A what? -A schmoigel.

You know, a schmoigel.

Happy birthday, Pusface.

Jackie, it fits! It fits!

Ooh! Why is that door open?

-Right. -[GRANDMA EXCLAIMING]

Hey, done it. Time for a biscuit.

But don't worry, there are absolutely no pears,

because I know that pears are completely forbid...

-What? -What?

Hello! Hello!

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

-Martin? -GRANDMA: Jackie!

[EXCLAIMING]

-Jackie! -Martin!

You'd better be dead or I will kill you.

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

All right!

Schmoigel?