Original subtitles

-Oh, my God! -What is he wearing?

Hi, Dad!

[GASPS] Nearly gave me a heart attack. Hello, bambinos.

Um, why are you dressed like that?

-Like what? -Like a sex attacker.

Oh, yeah, for my sex attacks. [CHUCKLES]

And what are those?

My old wellies. I just cut them down a bit.

Because...?

Yeah, I think there was a reason. Uh...

Well, take a box.

-Really? -Come on.

Bone idle.

-What are you doing? -I'm doing a bonfire.

-A bonfire? -A bonfire?

-What are you burning? -Your mother. [CHUCKLES]

I'm not quite dead yet.

-Hi, boys. -Hi, Mum.

Just put them down over there.

No, not there. There.

No, there.

[MARTIN SIGHS]

You're welcome.

Dad looks nice.

Doesn't he? Martin, can you please not wear

your Little Miss Muffet boots in the house?

Yes, mein Fuhrer.

Ah! Can you please stop doing that?

And Jonny, can you please stop eating cream?

-What? -Right. I'm going outside.

Good idea. Try not to burn the house down.

-So what's he burning, then? -His old science magazines.

I thought he'd thrown them all away?

So did I, until I found him moving them back

into the attic at three in the morning.

-Excellent. -It was excellent.

I made him sleep up there.

-So, excited? -About what?

-The wedding, silly. -What wedding?

-The wedding! -What wedding?

I can't believe you two. Neil's wedding.

-Neil...? -Oh, you mean boring Neil?

-He's not boring. -And ugly Karen.

Karen's not ugly.

-Mum, she's got a face like a foot. -Stop it.

She does. She definitely has a footface.

Well, maybe her face does look a bit like a foot,

-but still, she's a lovely girl. -For a foot.

"I now pronounce you man and foot."

"You may kiss the foot."

Do we have to go? No one's going to notice.

Shut up. It's Val's son. She's my best friend. You're going.

Why can't it be a funeral? At least it'd be over quickly.

Yeah, Neil and Karen's double funeral.

Very nice. And you wonder why you're both single.

Excuse me. I've got a girlfriend.

Hmm. That's never been proved.

Alison is coming on Sunday, isn't she?

-Hmm? -Don't tell me we have to wear a suit.

No, you go naked.

Cool. Wedding orgy.

Jonny, do me a favour, shut up and put the crumble in the oven.

Oh, Adam, can you look at this?

It's stuck on speaker phone the whole time.

-Is it? -Mmm, Dad dropped it in the loo.

[GROANS IN DISGUST]

[PHONE RINGING]

Um... Hello?

Hello, it's only Val.

Oh, Val, Val.

-Hi, Val. -Hello.

-It's Val. -BOTH: Hello, Aunty Val.

Hi, boys. Looking forward to meeting your girlfriend on Sunday, Jonny.

Right.

-Well? Well? -It's here!

Oh! And how does it look?

Well, you'll soon find out, 'cause I'm bringing it round.

Oh, Val!

-See you soon! -Bye!

-What's she bringing round? -Her dress. She's had it altered.

It's so exciting!

Ooh, I must get my camera.

There's fox shit everywhere.

Thank you, Martin. Val's popping round with her dress.

-What? -Val's bringing round her dress.

-Oh. -Aren't you excited?

Very. Uh, boys, can you help me with the fire?

[SIGHS] Do we have to?

Yes, I really need you.

All right. We'll get her arms, you get her legs.

Hmm.

It's not very big.

-What? -You said it was a bonfire.

Well, it is a bonfire. What did you expect?

Um, maybe a bonfire?

Yeah, where are all the flames and stuff?

-Right, so do we just... -Wait! Wait.

Okay.

What?

Come on.

And mind the fox shit.

-What are we... -Put them there.

Not there. There!

[ADAM SIGHS]

MARTIN: Sit down.

Sorry, why are all your boxes in here?

And why aren't we burning all your stuff?

-What? -The magazines,

-why aren't we burning them? -Because I'm not

really burning anything.

-What? -Sorry?

What, you're just pretending to burn things?

-Correct. -You're having a pretend bonfire?

-Yes. -Because you've got a mental disorder?

No. Because Mum will think I'm burning all my things.

Right. But wouldn't it be better to actually burn all your things?

Don't be an idiot! I'm not burning all my old magazines.

They're collectibles.

Um, they're really not.

You do know Mum will do a mental on you?

Well, you're not going to tell Mum, are you?

-Yeah, but what if she comes in here? -She won't.

-But what if she does? -Your mum hates it in here.

The last time she came in my shed was 9/11.

-9/11? -She was scared.

No, this way, I get your mum off my back

and I get to spend lots of lovely time in my lovely shed.

"Lovely"?

So I take a box from the garage, I do a bit of a walk through the house,

I pretend to dump it in the fire, then I come in here

and have a nice sit down. Lovely. [SIGHS]

-Shall we see what's on, then? -What?

-You've got a telly in here? -Shh!

-Beer? -[CHUCKLES]

Sorry, TV? Beer?

-When did our dad become cool? -What do you mean?

-I'll have a beer. -Yeah, all right.

So, what do you think, lads? Good plan?

-Yeah. It's a good plan. -A very good plan.

-Cheers! -BOTH: Cheers!

[BOYS GRUNT]

Oh, yes. It's non-alcoholic lager. I bought the wrong one, so...

-So it's all happening out there? -What?

You got all your stuff out there?

Yeah, it's all happening out there.

-All your old newspapers? -Yep.

And all your horrible New Scientistmagazines?

Yep. All on the fire. All burning away out there.

Still got a lot more to do, though, haven't we?

-What? -No. Yes. Lots more to do.

No, don't worry, Jackie, it's all going to plan.

It's a good plan, isn't it, lads?

-A very good plan. -A very, very good plan.

Wow, well done. Here, have another bit of chicken.

Mmm. Actually, I'd rather have a lovely bit of squirrel!

[BOTH LAUGH]

[KISSING]

[GRUNTS] Oh, you bastard!

Yes! One-nil!

Adam!

-Arsewipe. -Jonny!

Oh, where is she? I can't wait much longer.

-For what? -The dress, of course. Val's dress!

And the bride's hat, which is a shoe.

And the veil, which is a sock.

So, she is coming on Sunday, isn't she?

-Who? -Alison. Your girlfriend.

-You know, the one that doesn't exist. -Ha ha.

Sorry, no, she does exist. She just goes out with Simon.

-Shut up. -Yes, shut up, Adam.

-To the wedding, she is coming? -Of course.

She isn't coming.

Well, it's a shame you're not bringing a girl.

Yes, it is a shame, isn't it, Mum? No females?

-You know, you could have asked Tanya. -Mum!

What a good idea. Why don't you ask Tanya?

Why would I ask Tanya Green to come to a wedding

when I don't even know the girl?

She's meant to be very clever. She works for Coca-Cola.

-Ooh, Coca-Cola! -Oh, yes, please.

Um, what's Alison wearing for the wedding?

-I'm sure Mum would love to know. -[SIGHS]

-Bet he doesn't know. -Thank you.

-Well, what is she wearing? -Jesus.

Well?

-Well, it's a sort of... -Hmm?

-Sort of a... -[DOORBELL RINGS]

-I'll get it. -Good timing.

-Oh, it's Val. It's Val with the dress! -BOTH: Oh.

[SIGHS] Well, I'll go, then, shall I?

# I'm getting married in the morning

# Ding dong, the bells are going to... #

# Chime #

Oh, hi, Jim. No, I thought it was...

You're getting remarried?

No, not quite.

It's not Val, everyone. It's not Val!

Um...

[GRUNTING]

There. That's a bit shiny.

Right.

So...

Yes, um, your scales.

Remember I borrowed your scales for my special diet?

Did you? Oh, yes! Great. Thanks.

Aw, how's Wilson?

Very naughty, actually, he's been very naughty this week.

Oh, dear.

Haven't you? Haven't you?

He did poos all in my bed.

Thanks for these, Jackie.

Oh, you're wel...

I lost three pounds in two weeks.

Did you?

Um, I was 13 stone 2 and...

And...

And now I'm...

Ta-da!

Salad. Alfalfa.

Well.

Oh, Jim.

Wilson!

-These? -Hmm...

-These? -Um...

JACKIE: Are you going to be long? We've got crumble.

Are you going to be long? We've got crumble.

Are you going to be long? We've got crumble.

Oh, crumble!

Are they even going to fit?

Well, yes, if I curl my toesies up.

Uh, shouldn't you be looking for your dog?

-What? -These?

To be honest, Martin, I prefer a softer leather.

[SIGHS]

Right. How about these ones?

[MUMBLING]

[GRUNTING]

Yeah, yeah, I'll take them.

-Are you sure you can walk in those? -Yes, absolutely, Jonny.

-Adam. -I'm Jonny.

Oh, yes. No, they're fine. Really.

They fit me like a glove. Right.

No, they're fine. Wilson?

Has he gone?

-JIM: Wilson! -Uh, sort of.

Wilson?

Martin, can you get the ice cream from the outside freezer?

-What? -The ice... [SIGHS]

Help your dad with the freezer, will you?

He'd only fall in it or something.

Or we could just push him in.

What does she keep in here?

Dad, I think you should at least put some of this old crap on the fire.

Found it!

-[SCREAMS] -Jesus!

Shit, Dad!

Where did you get that?

-A joke shop. It's good, isn't it? -No. It's bloody horrible.

Yes, your mum hates it as well.

Sometimes I put it on just to annoy her. [CHUCKLES]

Actually... [LAUGHING]

[SIGHS] Dad.

Dad!

Shush.

Hello, Jackie!

Ooh! [SCREAMS]

God, what's...

Um, hello, Val.

Here we are, Valerie. I'm so sorry, really.

Oh, it's all right, Martin. It's okay.

How did you get us two mixed up?

What?

How did you get us mixed up?

Well, your hair.

What about our hair?

It's similar.

-Is it? -No, it's not.

All right then, similar bottoms.

Right. Thanks, Martin.

Go outside and set fire to something. Preferably yourself.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Oh, hello, boys, you looking forward to the wedding?

-Yes, Aunty Val. -Yes, Aunty Val.

Get off!

Oh, Karen's going to make a beautiful bride.

-Oh, she's such a beautiful girl. -Oh, yes.

Yeah, she has a beautiful face, doesn't she, Jonny?

Oh, yeah, beautiful foot... Face.

Val's going to try her dress on later. You're excited to see it, aren't you?

And I hear the famous Alison is coming on Sunday.

Famous for being invisible.

Mum, when are we going to have our crumble?

-Changing the subject. -Uh...

Actually, Aunty Val, I've got to be honest. She, um...

-She... -Can't come?

-She... -Can't come.

-Shut up. She... -Can't come?

-She can't come. -Can't come.

-Oh, what a surprise. -What do you mean, she can't come?

I'm going outside now, boys.

Yeah, very good, Martin. What do you mean she can't come?

Alison can't come.

-Alison can't orgasm? -Ha ha.

-Adam! -Who's had an orgasm?

-Alison. -Mmm.

So she can't come to the wedding?

No. She's got another wedding to go to.

-Really? Bit of a coincidence. -It's true. She's got a wedding.

Honestly, Val. I had no idea. Why didn't you tell Aunty ages ago?

I didn't know ages ago, did I?

What, you just found out about this emergency wedding?

Anyway, now Alison can't go,

why doesn't Adam invite Tanya Green instead?

-JACKIE: Oh, yeah! -Shut up!

Oh, no, you can if you want. She's a lovely girl.

You know she works for Coca-Cola?

Hmm, Coca-Cola.

Thank you, but I'm going outside to help Dad.

Oh, that reminds me, I've got to call Tanya's mum.

I told you Joan did all the alterations.

-Yeah, of course. -Oh.

You haven't got the number, have you? I've left my silly phone at home.

No, use ours. Adam, pass the address book.

Oh, I am so sorry, Val, I really had no idea.

Seriously, Jonny!

Actually, just call her for Val, would you?

Little slaves.

Do you know, I hate my sons.

-Here, Aunty Val. -Oh, it's on loudspeaker.

-Yeah, it's been down the loo. -GIRL: Hello?

-Hello, who's that? -It's Tanya.

Oh, hi, Tanya, it's Valerie Lewis here. Is your mother there?

Um, no, sorry, she's not here at the moment.

-Oh right, will you tell her I called? -Sure.

Oh, hang on a minute.

-Tanya, it's Jackie Goodman here. -Oh, no.

-Do you remember me? -Um, hello, yes.

-Hi. -Mum!

[LAUGHING]

Um, I think your mum might have mentioned my son to you.

Adam? The musician?

-Failed musician. -Oh, yes.

Well, he just wondered what you were doing this Sunday?

-Mum! -Sunday?

Actually, Adam's right here at the moment

and he'd love to say hello.

Really? Um, okay.

-Go on. -You bloody...

Hello?

-Hello. -Hi.

-Um, is that Tanya? -Yes.

-Um, I'm Adam. -I know.

-This is a bit embarrassing, isn't it? -It is a bit.

So, um...

Can you just go away?

Ask her to the wedding!

I hear you work for Coca-Cola?

That's right. Yeah, I've been there for about three years now.

Four years. Wow.

-Three years. -Four years!

No. Three years.

Um, sorry, Tanya. Can you hold on for just one sec?

Piss off!

-So you've been there for three years? -Yes.

Cool. And do you drink a lot of Coca-Cola, then?

Just fuck off!

Are you okay?

What? No, no, I'm fine.

Look, your mum mentioned something about Sunday?

Sunday? Um...

-What... -You're not in the bathroom, are you?

The bathroom? No, I'm in the living room.

-Uh, what's that sound? -What sound?

-The toilet sound. -What toilet sound?

You're not, like, on the loo, are you?

[STRAINING] No, of course I'm not on the loo!

[FLUSHING]

-[DIALLING TONE] -Hello? Hello?

You bloody shit!

You shitting bloody shitting shit!

One-all?

[SIGHS] One-all.

Well? Is she coming to the wedding?

Probably not.

I wish she'd hurry up and show us this stupid dress,

then we can just go.

-Um, Jonny. -What?

Um, Join the Dots Sex Book.

"101 naughty sex positions in easy-to-join dots."

Oh, my God. Where did he get that?

-He's filled half of these in! -Over half.

Our Dad's masturbatorium!

-What are you doing? -Nothing.

Leave my special crossword book alone.

Special crosswords?

-JACKIE: Martin? -Shit! Mum.

Mum!

-Hi, Mum. -Hi.

What are you doing?

-The bonfire. -The bonfire.

-In there? -Hello, Jackie. Oh, you look nice.

-[LAUGHS] Thank you, Martin. -Yeah, can I help you, my love?

Val's ready. Come and have a look at the dress.

-Great. -Yeah, what are we doing?

Ten minutes of pretend smiling.

-JACKIE: It's nice, isn't it? -Very nice.

Yeah, very nice.

Ooh, do you think so?

-Yeah, it's really nice. -It's lovely!

Mum, can we have the crumble now?

In a minute!

You don't think it's too... Oh, I don't know.

-Oh, no. It's not, is it, boys? -BOTH: No.

-Really? -BOTH: Really.

-Martin, do you like it? -What?

Do you like my dress?

Yes, it's much nicer than Jackie's one.

-Oh, thank you. -Yes, thank you.

Oh, Jackie.

I can't tell you how I feel at this minute.

JACKIE: Oh, love.

[CRYING] I just think it's all got...

It's all got a bit too much for me.

-Uh... -[SOBBING]

JACKIE: Boys, go and get the crumble out, would you?

And Martin, go and do your burning.

Oh, It's all right, Val.

-Sorry, it's so silly. -Oh...

Come on, let's get you changed.

Aww.

[LAUGHS]

Silly.

Why's she crying?

Because she's very, very happy.

I'm very, very happy!

Emotions!

[DOORBELL RINGING]

JACKIE: [GROANING] Who's that?

One second, love, I won't be long.

And no one else has seen him?

No one. I've been looking everywhere for him.

I even looked in your bins.

Did you? Right.

I'm very worried, Jackie. Very worried.

I'm sure he'll turn up, Jim.

But what if someone's raped him?

Um, he's a dog.

Well, exactly.

Have you tried calling him?

Yes, it's no good. I've been shouting his name for hours.

[SOFTLY] Wilson! Wilson!

-You see? -Well, maybe I could try.

You can have a go, Jackie, but I promise you...

Wilson!

[GASPS] Wilson!

Thank you, Jackie!

Thank you!

Oh, good boy. [LAUGHS]

Thank you so much again, Jackie.

Do thank Martin for these.

I'm afraid they might need a bit of a polish.

Thanks, Jim.

[SQUISHING]

-Oh, dear. -What?

I think someone's left me a little present.

Uh...

VAL: Oh, I don't know.

I think I found the whole thing just too overwhelming.

[LAUGHS] I know.

-Martin, can you hurry up, please? -What?

Well, Val wants to go.

-Where's she going? -Home.

-What, a mental home? [LAUGHING] -Oh, thanks, Martin.

Put you in a mental home.

Where's the crumble? Boys?

Oh, they haven't been eating it already.

Oh, my bag!

-You greedy pigs! -Sorry, Mum.

-Sorry! -JACKIE: Oh!

-Oh, Dad! -Bleedin' bloody idiots!

-Dad! -Martin!

Oh. Look, all of you, just go outside, will you? [GROANS]

Stupid morons!

Bloody...

moron heads!

Lads?

[SIGHS]

-Children's lager? -Yeah, children's lager.

Really? Sure you won't stay for a nice bit of crumble?

-What, crimble crumble? -[BOTH LAUGHING]

No, I'd love to, but Larry's going to be here in a minute.

Oh, of course. Oh, one sec.

I'm sure my horrible boys will want to say goodbye.

Give that to me. Bastard! Get off! [LAUGHING]

What are they...

[ALL SIGH]

[DOOR OPENING]

-Shit! -Shit!

-Shit! -So, this is where you've all been

hanging out, then, is it?

-It's all right, Jackie. -All you men together...

-Drinking. -Well, not really drinking...

Wait a minute, what are all these boxes? Why...

You haven't got rid of any of them, have you?

You haven't burnt anything!

You've been...

-You've been lying to me. -Sorry?

Right, take all those boxes out and throw them in the bloody fire!

-But Jackie! -Now!

Jackie, I've got to go.

Where's my...

In the fire. Go on. Like you said. In the fire!

-But they're my magazines... -I'm not interested any more.

-In the fire! -Go on, Dad. You'd better.

-Yeah. -Oh, God!

Jackie? You seen my dress anywhere?

What? It was on the door.

VAL: It's not there. JACKIE: Isn't it?

Wait, isn't that Aunty's...

-Oh, my God. -What?

Oh, shit! Shit on it! Shit on it!

Martin, have you seen Val's dress?

-What? -Do you know where my dress is?

Um, yes.

-Well? -Where is it?

Well, it's, um...

Uh, sort of...

in there.

[SCREAMING]