Original subtitles

They're here! They're here!

Hiya!

-ADAM: Hold on, Grandma. Hold on. -What's going on?

-Hi, Mum. Grandma's hair's stuck. -What?

Her hair's stuck. Just undo it!

I'm trying to! The door won't open.

-Mum? -Hello, Jackie.

-Undo the window. -What do you think I am trying to do?

-Hurry up. -Wait. Maybe if I...

[CAR ALARM BLARING]

-Great! -Jonny!

Is that the police?

Jonathan, open the window and turn that bloody alarm off now!

-I'm trying. I'm trying. -Ooh!

Oh, are you okay, Mum?

-Sorry, Grandma. Sorry. -You're such a dickhead.

-Shut up. -How's my hair?

It's fine, Mum. It's fine. Come on.

How did you manage to get her hair stuck in the window?

'Cause he's a dickhead, that's how.

She must have leant in when I pressed the button or something.

-You know something? -What?

You are a dickhead.

-Let me have a look at my hair. -Oh, your hair looks lovely.

It's a lovely colour. Isn't it a lovely colour, boys?

-Yeah, lovely. -Yeah.

Thank you. You should get yours done, too.

-I've just had mine done. -Have you?

-Yes, Mum. -Did you do it over the bath?

-Brilliant. -No, I did not do it over the bath.

-Someone did it for me. -Really?

-Yes. -A professional?

-Yes, a professional. -Someone you paid?

Mum, enough now. Come through.

Oh, boys, we've got something to show you.

-Really? What? -You'll see. Come on, Mum.

Grandma's going to do a strip for us?

Hello, bambinos.

-With Dad? -Hello, Martin!

-What? -What?

What?

Sorry, my hearing machine's not very...

-No top tonight, Dad? -I'm baking.

You know, my mother really doesn't want to see your titties.

-Ah! -Ooh!

[LAUGHS]

Why don't you have a nice drink, Mum?

Oh, yes, thank you. A sherry, please.

Of course. Adam, get Grandma a sherry, would you?

-[ADAM GROANS] -JONNY: Yes!

What did you want to show us, then?

Well, see if you can notice!

Something, perhaps...in this room.

Uh...

[EXASPERATED] Well?

[BOTH SIGHING]

Mum, have you noticed anything different about the living room?

-You cleaned it? -JONNY: Amazing.

-Here, Grandma. -Oh, thank you, dolly.

Um, I've just got to...

-What are you doing? -Nothing. Just getting a bit of bread.

If you've been putting salt in my...

So what was that thing you wanted us to see, then?

God, I can't believe you lot. All right, I'll show you.

-Did you hurt your arm? -No, Mum. Look.

ALL: Uh...

-Oh, Christ! It's the curtains! -It's the curtains!

ALL: Oh.

What about them?

-What about them? They're new. -They're new.

Are they?

Yes. We just got them. Do you like them?

Aren't they the same as the other ones?

What other ones? We had blinds, you idiot.

Did we?

-Mum, do you like the curtains? -Not really.

-What do you mean, not really? -It's the wrong colour.

-Wrong colour? -Yellow.

[SIGHS] They're not yellow. They're cream.

They're yellow.

[SIGHS] Tell her, boys. What colour are the curtains?

Um, they're sort of yellow.

Yeah, piss yellow?

Charming. Martin, tell my mother. What colour are the curtains?

-They're yellow. -I know.

They're not yellow.

We've had this argument and we both agreed, remember?

-They're cream. -Yes. I forgot. They're cream.

Oh! Well, thanks very much, everyone.

I spend all this time trying to make the house look nice for you

and no one even bothers to notice. Thanks. Thank you very much.

Oh, Jackie! I...

Jackie, the boys do like them. Tell your mum you like the curtains.

Of course we do. They're lovely, Mum. Aren't they, Jonny?

Yeah, they're lovely. Really lovely, Mum.

-See, they love them. -They hate them.

-No, we don't. -Well, Grandma hates them.

You don't hate the curtains, do you, Grandma?

-What? -You don't hate the curtains?

Yes. I think they're horrible.

Thanks a lot, Mum. So nice you came.

[SIGHS] Great. Why didn't she just say she liked the sodding curtains?

-What? -Grandma, I think you've upset Mum.

Oh. Okay, dolly. I'll speak to her. Don't worry.

Thanks, Grandma.

Sometimes your mother can be such a sensitive cow.

Jackie.

[SIGHS]

What, Mum?

-You're upset. -How did you guess?

I'm your mother.

You know,

if you still have the receipt, you can always take the curtains back.

-[CLATTERING] -MARTIN: Shit! Shit on it!

-What happened? -God! What now?

-I can't believe you, Martin! -Oh, shit on it! Shit on it!

-You drive me mad! -What's all that muck?

Did Dad have diarrhoea?

Jonny, it's not funny. That was my casserole.

-Sorry. -Casserole from dad's ass-erole!

MARTIN: I'm really sorry, Jackie. It just slipped.

Slipped?

Look, it's all right. I can just...

Lovely.

There.

Martin, you've got a piece stuck to you.

-What? -Some beef on your stomach.

Oh! Mmm.

-So what are we going to eat, then? -Well, that.

-That? -Yes, that.

-What, from the floor? It's filthy. -It's not filthy, it's fine.

Is it?

GRANDMA: Where is everyone?

Oh, God, don't let Grandma see. It's nothing, Mum. Coming!

Nice one, Dad.

[MARTIN GRUNTS]

Oh, I don't think that bit was from the casserole.

Are we having a stabbing party or something?

-Have a guess who set the table. -Hmm?

There are quite a lot of knives here, Dad.

Yes, we were going to murder your mother after dinner, remember?

[ALL LAUGHING]

So are you going to tell me why she couldn't come tonight?

What? Oh, she's very tired.

-She's tired? -Who's tired?

-Alison. -Oh, your pretend girlfriend.

No, she really wanted to meet you and everything,

but she's just a bit exhausted at the moment.

-Well, three times a night with Simon. -That's really funny.

You know, Jonny, I must have invited that girl

for Friday night dinner about nine times now.

It's not nine times.

It's at least nine. When are we going to meet her?

[COUGHING] Never gonna happen. Excuse me.

-What are you talking about? -Jonny's girlfriend.

-Oh, is she pregnant? -No, Mum.

-Oh! You bastard! -Not bloody salt again.

-It's not salt. It's gin. -Gin?

- # Skill! # -Oh, gin? Can I have some?

No, Mum, not with your beef. Enough now, all right?

Yeah, and don't waste gin.

It's your mother's for when she's depressed. Remember?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

-I'll get it. -I'll get it.

GRANDMA: Where are they going?

-Oh! -[CUTLERY CLATTERING]

Oh, your lovely trousers!

Don't worry. I'll do it. I'll clean myself up.

-[SIGHS] Relaxing evening. -[SNEEZES LOUDLY]

I just wondered if I could possibly...

Who is at the door?

Oh, hi, Grandma. It's Jim. You know, Jim with the dog?

Hello, Mrs Buller. Come to say hello to Wilson, have you?

-Hello, Jim. -[WILSON PANTING]

Hello!

What were you saying?

I wanted to know if your mother could...

[STAMMERING] If your mother could...

Wilson!

If she...

Wilson!

[STAMMERING] If your mother... Wilson!

Um, yes.

Well...

Thank you, but never mind.

-Goodbye to you, Mrs Buller. -And you, too, Jim.

Yes, bye then.

-Um, bye. -Goodbye.

Yes, goodbye. Wilson.

-What did he want this time? -Uh, he didn't really say.

What do you mean, he didn't really say?

Hi, Mum. Oh, you have a good wipe down?

Sort of. [CHUCKLING]

-What? -Nothing.

Go on, Mum, finish your food.

-Did you see the dog? -Oh, yes. He's very friendly.

-Oh, good. -Yeah, very friendly indeed.

Yes, indeed.

[GRANDMA COUGHS]

[CHOKING]

Are you all right?

Oh, God!

Mum? You okay? Oh, my God!

I just found a button.

Mmm.

I can't believe you said they're yellow.

-No, piss yellow. -Yeah, piss yellow.

It's just a little something for everyone.

Oh, this one is for Adam.

Oh, thanks, Grandma!

Just a little something.

Let me guess, a wallet? What is it?

A wallet. Thanks, Grandma.

-It's a purse. -A wallet.

-Yeah, and here's Jonny's. -Oh, wonder what mine will be?

Oh, a wallet! Thanks, Grandma.

Pleasure, sweetie.

I thought you might need a new purse.

-Wallet. -What are they, wallets?

Oh, and have a look inside.

-A pound? -Oh, a pound. Thanks!

Thanks, Grandma.

-Buy yourselves... -ALL: An ice-cream.

-Brilliant. -Oh, and Martin.

Oh, don't tell me. Another wallet?

Oh, thanks, Grandma. That's very nice of you.

-What is it? A wallet? -It's a wallet.

-A purse. -Amazing.

Well.

There are the presents.

Uh, didn't she get you a present?

-Um, Grandma? -Yes?

-Did you get anything for Mum? -What?

For me. Did you get a present for me?

Oh, yes! Of course. For you.

Something for you.

Oh, yes, of course. Something for Jackie.

Um...

She's forgotten me.

-Don't be silly. -Yeah.

[SIGHS] Of course she hasn't forgotten you, Jackie.

I'm telling you, Martin, she's forgotten me. Look.

Um...

Would you like a yogurt?

-What? -Nothing.

[CHUCKLING]

Your mother's a bit stressed at the moment.

You don't say.

What do you mean, I don't say? I did say.

Nothing.

-Jonny, could you do the bin for me? -Really?

God, these are massive.

And also, Val gave her a big book the other day

all about the... Well, you know.

-The what? -The menopause.

Oh! Did you have to tell me that?

Talking of the menopause, any...

Any... You know, have you...

Have I been going through the menopause?

-Funnily enough, no, Dad. -No, you know, any...

-Dad! -Females. Any females?

"Females". You make them sound like they're corpses.

-Well, are there? -No. No females.

When I get a girlfriend, I promise you'll be the first to know.

Well, I'd like to think your girlfriend would be the first to know,

if you know what I mean!

-[LAUGHING] -God!

-[YELLS] -[SCREAMS]

-What happened? -Got you! Got you back!

-What the hell is going on? -Pissface there was in the bin bag.

The bin bag...

-Did you just break that? -It was Jonny's fault.

That's my favourite dish!

Mum, I didn't mean to. It was... [CHUCKLING]

Martin, why can't you control these two?

Jonathan, I am really getting fed up with you tonight.

You are really getting on my bloody nerves!

Why are you shouting at Jon-Jon?

Mum, leave me alone. I'll shout at whoever I like.

-What? -Just stay out of this, would you?

Sorry, Mum.

Don't talk to your mother like that.

-What? -Oh, God.

Mum, I'll talk to you how I like, thank you very much,

seeing as you haven't said a bloody nice word to me the whole evening.

-It's okay, Mum. -Stop it, Adam.

-Jackie... -It's true.

And just so you know, those curtains in the living room,

they are not yellow!

Jacqueline, you will not speak to your mother like that!

-And they are yellow. -Shut up, Mum.

-Clear that up, would you, Jonny? -Right. That's it!

Go to your room!

[CHUCKLES] What?

-Go to your room! -Go to my room?

You heard me. Go to your room!

No, I'm not going to go to my room.

-You will! Go to your room! -No! It's not funny.

-Yes! -No. You go to your room!

-What? -You go to your room!

-But I don't have a room. -Exactly.

What do you mean?

Mum, I'm not going to my room. This is my house.

I'm a grown woman, for Christ's sakes.

-Martin? -What?

Could you please tell Jacqueline to go to her room?

And can you please tell my mother to go to her room?

Um...

Okay.

-Okay, then. -Where are you going?

-Leave her, Adam. -What do you mean, where am I going?

-I'm going to my room. -But you don't have a room.

Then I'll find a room.

And don't worry, I shan't be using that room in there

because the curtains are too yellow!

They are not yellow!

Mum, I do think you should go to your room.

It's not funny, Jonny.

I make a lovely dinner for you that you just leave,

I show you the new curtains, which you just laugh at,

and then you smash my favourite dish.

Mum.

I'm serious. You're just so ungrateful.

Ungrateful? When have I ever been ungrateful?

Well, okay, maybe you're not ungrateful.

Maybe your girlfriend's the ungrateful one.

-Whoa! -I'm sorry?

No, actually, I'm really fed up about it.

We've never ever met the girl.

-'Cause she doesn't exist. -Seriously.

Oh, right, so it's all about that then, is it?

You come here every week and you say, "She can't come."

-"She's busy." "She's with a friend." -Boyfriend Simon.

-"She's too tired." -Simon.

Shut up, Adam!

You know, if she's too important to meet us,

maybe you should just tell her, "Thank you, but goodbye."

"Thank you, but goodbye"?

You know something, Mum? You're a nutcase.

-Good. I'm a nutcase. -No. Sorry. You really are a nutcase.

-Good. I'm glad. I'm a nutcase. -What are they saying?

-That mum's a nutcase. -Ah, well...

Thank you, Martin.

Right. I've had enough of this crap. I'm going out.

-JACKIE: Goodbye. -Going out?

Leave him, Adam. If he wants to go, let him go.

Don't be ridiculous. Where are you going?

-The pub. -The pub?

-Yeah, the pub. -Sorry,

when have you ever gone to the pub on a Friday night?

Yeah, go on. Go to the pub on a Friday night. Very Jewish of you.

Thank you, but goodbye!

-Sorry, the pub? What pub? -I don't know. The pub round the corner.

Is there a pub round the corner?

Yeah, you know, the Black something or other.

I knew it was the Black something.

This'll be nice.

-Evening, mate. -Mate?

-Two pints, please. -Pints of what?

-Lager. -Beer.

-Um, lager. -Beer.

-Lager or beer? -It's the same thing.

-It's not the same thing. -Isn't it?

-Two lagers, please. -I thought it was the same.

-Shut up now. -Tastes the same.

[SIGHS] Mum is such a cow.

And sorry, those curtains are seriously yellow.

Six six.

-Sorry? -Six pound six.

Ad, have you got any money? All I've got is, um...

No. That's all I've got, too.

Why didn't you bring any money, you idiot?

Sorry. We've only got £2.

-But this is six six. -Yeah, I know. We don't have enough.

Well, thanks a lot.

-Stab us in the eyes? -Shut up. Uh, excuse me?

What?

Could we not have just got something with our £2?

Your £2?

Uh...

Sorry, please excuse my brother for being a complete and utter knobface.

Uh, could we just have a half pint of lager

and one extra glass, please? Thank you.

Knobface.

-Keep the change. -Thanks. Nice purse.

Ah! A refreshing quarter pint.

[DOOR OPENS]

Oh, shit!

-JONNY: What? -Look away, look away.

What? Why? Oh, no!

-Has he seen us? -No.

Not seen us, still not seen us, still not seen us,

still not seen us...

-Seen us. -Oh!

Coming here in ten, nine, eight,

seven, six, five, four, three, two, one.

Hello, boys.

-Hi, Jim. -Hi, Jim.

In the pub, eh?

Yep.

Pubs!

Uh-huh.

The pub.

Here.

-Thanks, Mike. -Lawrence.

-Anyway, yes, cheers. -BOTH: Cheers.

There, there's a...

good boy. That's it.

Good boy.

That's it. Almost there. Good boys.

Good boy.

He's not going to suddenly wake up, is he?

Is he?

Should you really be giving your dog lager?

Yes, this does sometimes happen.

Uh, we're sort of at home now, Jim.

Um, just here's fine. Just put him down here.

That's lovely. Thanks.

Everything all right?

Oh, hello, Jackie. Nice top.

Um, thank you.

-Is it new? -Not really.

-Hi, Mum. -Is he dead?

-No. Just drunk. -Drunk?

Bye, Jackie.

Bye. Boys!

Boys!

-Is his dog really drunk? -Pissed.

-What's that? -Gin.

Oh, gin.

-We're still not talking. -Oh, where is she?

I'm in my room.

-Oh, this is ridiculous. -Well, don't blame me.

Right, okay, where's Dad? Jonny, get Dad.

-Dad! -What?

-Oh, it's bosom man. -Yeah, I got hot again.

Okay everyone, listen.

Can't we all just, you know, like...

[SIGHS]

We're a family. And, like, well...

Enough is enough. You know? I really mean it.

Great speech, Obama.

-Grandma? -What?

-Can you just apologise to Mum? -What?

Just say sorry to Mum.

You want me to say sorry to your mother?

-Yes. -Don't be silly, Adam.

She won't do it.

See?

I'm sorry, Jackie.

My God!

Thank you. Mum, say sorry to Grandma.

Sorry, Mum.

Pissface, say sorry to Mum.

Sorry, Mum.

-Mum, say sorry to Pissface. -Sorry, Pissface.

-And Dad. -Mmm?

-Apologise to Mum. -For what?

-I don't know. -Just say sorry, Martin.

Sorry.

Good.

Right.

Great.

Yeah.

-Cup of tea? -Oh, lovely!

-A cup of tea! -Well done, bobble!

-Yeah, well done, Pusface. -Well done, Jonny.

-Sorry if I was a bit of a nutcase. -You were a bit.

-MARTIN: Well done, bambinos. -Come on, Mum.

ADAM: Oh, Jonny, could you come in here a sec?

What do you want?

Oh, I just must get my glasses from inside.

Go on, Adam wants you.

[SIGHS] Coming.

-[ADAM YELLS] -[GRANDMA SCREAMS]

[THUD]

My God. Was that... Mum?

[JACKIE GASPS]

I think I've killed Grandma.

JACKIE: Careful, careful!

ADAM: I'm sorry. I thought it was Jonny. I thought it was Jonny.

Why was he in the bag?

It's all right, Mum. It's all right, Mum.

Where are you taking me?

-You really are an absolute dickhole. -Shut up, Jonny.

-But he really is. -We'll dump her on the sofa.

No. We'll put her on the sofa. Put her on the sofa.

[GRANDMA GROANING]

[GROANING]

There we are, Grandma.

Mum, do you want a doctor?

No. Just some water. Some water, please.

-Here you are, Mummy. -Thank you.

-Uh, that might be vodka. -JACKIE: What?

Mum!

Mmm.

-Better? -Much better, thank you.

Good. Good.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

-Jackie? -Yes, Mum?

-Can I say something? -Of course. What?

You know, I was wrong.

Your curtains, they're really lovely.

JACKIE: Really? GRANDMA: Really.

-Yeah, Mum. -Yeah, they're really lovely.

-Yeah, really lovely. -Lovely.

No, you were right.

They do look like piss.