Original subtitles

[LOCK BEEPS]

-All right, Pusface? -Shh!

-What are you doing? What? -Come here!

-Quickly! -What are you looking at?

-Dad's got no top on. -He never has a top on.

Yeah, but...

-Shit! -He's been doing that for ages.

And he just keeps on looking and looking...

What's he... Why's he looking at his...

I dunno. It's not good though, is it? I mean, it's funny, but it's not good.

It's definitely not good.

-Whoa! -Whoa! Magnifying glass?

ADAM: That's a new development.

JONNY: Why does he need it magnified?

I really don't want to know.

So, what, this just means it's very small?

Or very thin?

-Lice? -Mice?

-Martin? -Shit. It's Mum!

[INAUDIBLE]

JONNY: What are they saying?

Well, he's probably not telling her he's been looking at his cock

for the last half hour.

-Oi, I know what it is. -Go on.

-Dad's grown another one. -Nice, two of them.

Yeah, stereo.

Hello, bambinos!

-Hi, Dad. -Hi, Dad.

-What's so funny? -Nothing.

-How are you? -What?

-How are you? -Oh, yeah. Fine, fine.

JACKIE: Hi, boys! BOTH: Hi, Mum.

Yeah, move along, move along.

-Are you switched on today? -What?

Are you switched on today?

Oh, yes, sorry. No, my hearing machine's not quite...

-Two penises. -[MARTIN GROANING]

-Are you sure you're okay? -Yeah, it's just my knee.

-Your knee? -Yeah, bloody knee!

What's so funny?

Oh, is he still going on about his bloody knee?

-Hello, darling. -Hi, Mum.

All right, Mum? Your hair looks nice.

Thanks. Yours looks horrible.

Yeah, I just need the loo.

Yes. Goodbye, Martin.

-So, no Alison? -Oh, yeah, where's your girlfriend?

-Oh, she couldn't come. -Because she doesn't exist?

-[JACKIE LAUGHS] -Very funny.

No, she did say sorry. She's with a friend.

-ADAM: Simon? -Oh, nice soup.

-Simon? -Yes.

-ADAM: Her boyfriend. -Shut up!

-Definitely sleeping together! -At least I've got a girlfriend.

-True. -Who you share with another man.

Oh!

Excuse me.

Uh!

Ah, gotcha!

Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.

Gotcha!

[SMACKING LIPS]

-This is amazing, Mum. -Thanks, darling.

Mmm, very nice, Jackie. Lovely bit of squirrel.

[CHUCKLING]

[MARTIN LAUGHING]

So, you like my hair, then?

-Yeah. -Yep.

-I had it done. -Your mother had her hair done.

-We know. -Mmm, yeah, she had a flaky scalp.

-Martin! -Oh, Dad!

-What? -Thanks for telling them!

-It's not in the food, is it? -Thank you very much.

But...

I'll get some more ketchup, then, shall I?

-Nice one, Dad. -Yeah, but I found flakes! I...

So, Dad, you, um, you hurt your knee?

-My what? -Your knee.

-What about my knee? -You hurt it?

Did I? Oh, yes, yes.

So, um, how'd you do it?

-What? -How did you do it?

-Um, banged it. -Oh. On what?

-My other knee. -Right.

-Here, Your Lordship. -Ooh, lovely. Tomato blood.

[GRUNTING]

-Mum, good news. My thing's on tonight. -Mmm, what thing?

You know the music I did for that ad? That jingle?

That he didn't get paid for.

-They took me out for lunch, actually. -Oh, sorry, paid in potatoes.

Shut up, Jonny! It's on tonight?

Yeah, later, on the radio. It's not a big deal.

Oh, that's wonderful, bobble! Ah!

[KISSING NOISILY]

You're going to do so well. Aw.

Martin?

Martin! Adam's jingle's on tonight. We mustn't forget to listen.

-Oh, and tell Alison to listen, too. -Okay.

Although won't she find it difficult with Simon's balls in her ear?

-[JACKIE LAUGHING] -Ha-ha!

-[DOORBELL RINGS] -BOTH: I'll get it!

Who's that? Don't they know it's Friday night?

-What are you up to? -Nothing.

-Oh, hi, Jim. -Hello, Jonny. Your mum there?

-Um, it's Adam. -I'm Jonny.

Always get you mixed up. You look so similar.

BOTH: Do we?

Good boy!

Um...

JACKIE: Adam! Could you tell him to come later? We're eating.

Do you mind if you come back later? We're just eating at the moment.

-Mmm, something smells good, eh? -Yep.

We're just about to have our din-dins, aren't we? Aren't we, Wilson?

-[WILSON WHINING] -The, er, chops.

-Right. -Oh!

It's just about the sponsorship form for charity.

Your mum said she'd sponsor me for...

MARTIN: Oh, tell them to bloody go away!

JACKIE: Martin!

If you could just come back after dinner.

Yes, I'll see you later.

-Thanks, Jonny. -Adam.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on, Wilson.

Yeah.

He must think I'm such a mean cow.

He keeps asking me to sponsor him, but I'm always busy.

What's he doing, anyway?

Oh, some charity badminton or backgammon game or something,

I don't know, you know.

-Er, they're quite different. -Who was that, the council?

The council? When has the council ever been round?

-What? -What?

Adam, your mother tells me your radio jingle is on tonight?

Rather formal. Um, yes, sir.

Well, it's a start, you know.

And who wrote the music?

-Um, I did, Dad. It's a jingle. -Brilliant.

-And what's it for? -Car insurance.

-Ooh, the big time. -Thank you.

-Ooh, cars. -Car insurance.

Well, well done, Adam.

-To our favourite son! -Yes, the favourite son!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

To our favourite son.

-Ugh! -JACKIE: Oh!

JONNY: Ugh!

-There you go. -Oh, thanks.

-What shall I do with this? -Oh, we'll put that back in the bottle.

-What? -Put it back in the bottle.

I'm not doing that. Just throw it away.

[GRUNTING]

-What are you doing? -It's a waste!

It costs like 1p!

-Just go away. -God's sake!

TV ANNOUNCER: ...the competition on the Kent coast,

birthplace of John Dean, inventor of...

-Oh, get off! -Stop it, you two.

It's Italian-born hairdresser Marcello Marino.

MARINO: The menu says everything about me.

Well, I'm Italian, you know...

[BELCHING]

-Oh, please. I hate that. -Sorry, Mum.

[MOUTHING]

-[BELCHING] -Just bloody stop it!

Sorry, Mum.

-Mum? -Hmm?

How come you've got more pictures of Pissface than me?

-Your face annoys me. -Right. No, really.

-Really. -Fair enough.

[PHONE BEEPS]

-Your bloody phone. -It's only a text!

-Why don't you turn it off? -I don't want to turn it off.

Huh?

But...

Oh.

Uh, Adam, could you come here a moment?

-What? -Can you just come here?

-What do you want? -Martin, what do you want?

-It's nothing, Jackie. Adam? -What does he want?

-What do you want? -Just bleedin' come, will you?

Jesus!

It had better be important.

Where's he... The toilet?

-Do you think he's gonna show you his... -Oh, God!

-Well, come on! -[SIGHING] What are you doing?

Not you!

-Will you shut the door? -What?

Shut the door.

Right, this is normal.

Adam, can I speak to you a moment?

Um, okay. Is there no one else you can talk to about this?

-What? -Is there no one else you can talk to?

Well, not really, no.

[SIGHS] Okay. But, you know, I am your son.

I know.

Well, I'm just saying now I really don't want to see it.

-See what? -You know, your...

-My what? -Nothing.

-So, um, Adam. -Yes?

-Any...? -Sorry?

-You know, any...? -Oh, Dad, not this, not...

-Females. -Females!

Do you have to call them females? You're not a policeman.

-Okay, birds. -Birds?

-All right, chicks. -Chicks!

Oh, hello, Elvis!

-So, no females, then? -No, no females!

No girlfriend at the moment. No females. Can I go now?

-No! -I'm going now!

-Nice family piss? -Go away, Jonny!

-Did he show you his... -No, it's not about that.

-Oh. Females? -Females. Yep.

-Adam, here. -What?

-Right, thanks, excellent. -What is it?

-Dating sites. Jewish dating sites. -Brilliant.

Now, did you know there are places you can go now,

on the internet, to find girls?

Are there?

Yes, Dad, I know. Girls on the internet, yes!

-Well, how did you know? -Because I live in the world?

-What are you all doing? -Nothing, Mum.

It's just Adam's potty training.

-Oh, go away, Jackie! -Shut up, Martin!

Females.

Oh.

[SHUTS DOOR]

Right, so we're all just going to stand in the toilet and...

-So? -So what?

So, are you going to go on the internet?

Well, yes, at some point I will go on the internet!

-To look at girls? -What do you think the internet's for?

No, I mean, to look at girls, girlfriends, not just bosoms.

-"Bosoms"? -Martin!

JONNY: Brilliant.

Although, I think you should go on the internet.

-Even more brilliant! -Shut up!

-Seriously, Adam. -Mum, I'm not going on the internet!

You are going on the internet.

What, you're going to make me go on the internet to look at women?

-We're only trying to help. -Shut up, Jonny!

Just have a little look with Dad on the internet.

-I have to look with Dad? -Beyond amazing!

Sorry, can I just...

JACKIE: Oh, no, Adam! MARTIN: You little sod!

[COUGHING]

Right, I'm telling you I'm not going on the bloody internet

to look at girls with Dad! End of.

-£20. -Done.

-Oh, she's nice. -No, she's not.

-She's purty. -Have you ever seen a woman before?

-Well, what about her? -She looks like Mum.

What? Ooh, yes!

"I love life." Why do they always say "I love life"?

Well, what do you want them to say, "I hate death"?

Or this one. "Bubbly personality".

We all know what that means, don't we?

-Yep. "I am part whale." -Uh-oh.

[TEXT MESSAGE BEEPS]

Dad, can we stop now?

[TAPPING KEYBOARD]

That's a man.

-You're on men now. -Yes, all right!

Still on men. Dad, Sports Jock 69, please!

-Found a husband yet? -Ugh!

Any news on the...

[COUGHING] ...three penises?

Adam, women!

Oh, look how old they are!

You're meant to be finding me someone to go on a date with, not bury.

-What about her? -Ooh, she is nice!

Dad, she's just the advert for the site, she's not real.

-You what? -She's not real!

Well, she looks pretty real to me!

[LAUGHING]

[COUGHING]

JACKIE: Adam, when's your jingle thing on?

Oh, my God, my advert! What time is it?

Oh, shit, it's on any minute! Coming!

Such a poof.

20 quid, thank you. I heard that.

Oh!

ADAM: Ha-ha!

I can't believe no bloody radios work.

You've got a million bloody radios in this house

and none of them bloody work!

All right, enough with the bloodies. We'll find one!

I'm going to miss my bloody advert.

Martin!

Why have you got all these batteries, anyway? Is Dad building a robot?

[LAUGHING]

-JONNY: Found one! -Brilliant, he's got one.

-There you go. -What?

-It works! -Oh, well done, Jonny!

-I'm not listening to it on that! -Why not?

-Because it's a duck. -It's not a duck, it's a radio.

[RADIO PLAYING]

We're just going to have to listen in the car.

-The car? -Yes, the car.

Where are... Dad, are these your keys?

-Hmm? -Are these your car keys?

-Yes, why? -Right, come on, hurry up!

We're actually going to listen in the car.

-Come on, Martin. -Where are we going?

-Come! -[DOORBELL RINGS]

-Um, is your Mum there? -Have you been there the whole time?

[CAR LOCK BEEPING]

Hi, Jim, I'm so sorry, I can't stop. We're in a real rush.

It really won't take long, Jackie.

[STUTTERS] You look nice.

Um, it's just you said you'd sponsor me. So, if you'd like to fill in this...

I'm sorry, Jim. Come on, Martin!

I can't stop now. We are in such a hurry.

No, there's no time to lock up now!

Yes, but... Where are we going?

It's for cancer!

Sorry.

-Where are we going? -Oh, that was so rude.

He definitely thinks I'm a mean cow.

Now, how do I get this bloody radio...

[MUSIC BLARING]

[TURNS VOLUME DOWN, ALL SIGHING]

Oh, my God, that was the loudest thing I've ever...

[MUSIC BLARING]

[ALL SCREAMING]

-Adam! -You idiot!

-Oh! -Oh, Christ! My God.

Was it loud?

Adam, I think you should just...

Can you drive a little so at least it looks like we're going somewhere?

Shut up, Mum. How can I turn this back on?

-Erm... -Please, Adam!

[TEXT MESSAGE BEEPS]

Not another bloody text!

Well, try pressing that.

[AIR BLOWING]

Oh! Now I've got boiling air going right in my mouth!

Martin, don't you know how your radio works?

[ADAM SIGHS]

Thank you!

Well, does it matter about the radio? Can't we just go?

We're not going anywh... Oh, tell him, Jonny!

Dad, we're not going anywhere.

So why are we all sitting in the car?

Oh, my God, I can't bear it any more! I can't get this bloody thing to work!

-Jonny, turn the duck on. -It's not a duck, it's a radio.

-Just turn it on! -Such a knob.

[RADIO STATIC]

Shh! Adverts!

MAN: [ON RADIO] ...Potterton's Furniture Warehouse, of course!

-Is this it? -No, it's for car insurance.

Car insurance, remember?

Get down to Jacob and Potterton's Furniture...

Is it good?

It's not the one yet, Dad.

Oh, he's still looking at us. Adam, will you just drive? Drive!

All right, Jesus!

Where are we going?

Unit 28, Walkers Way, Wembley.

WOMAN: Us girls come in all shapes and sizes.

That's why choosing the right tampons is important...

-JACKIE: Ooh, is this it? -Yes, my advert is for tampon insurance.

Whether you have a light flow or a heavy flow...

-Tampons. -Tampons.

MAN: [ON RADIO] Looking for cheaper car insurance?

Then look no further, because Hangerford Car Insurance

can find the cheapest and best deal for you.

Whether you're a first time driver or you've been on the road for years...

-Where's the music? -Shh!

...price comparison sites,

just call us direct, call now.

Call Hangerford, 08081 57 double 0 double 0.

-That's 08081 57 double 0 double 0. -Where's my music?

-MARTIN: Is it good? - # Hangerford #

The bastards!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[GASPS] Oh! Oh.

Here, bobble.

Three frigging notes they used, three frigging notes.

Ah, but they were lovely notes, weren't they, Jonny?

[MIMICKING HANGERFORD JINGLE] # Pa-har-don? #

Yeah, Adam, could you pass me that a moment, please?

-Sorry? -Could you pass me my...

-What, this? -Thanks.

-Go on, Adam. Pass it to Dad! -But...

Come on!

Here.

Right, won't be a sec. I just need to, um...

Boys, why does your father keep taking his magnifying glass with him

-every time he leaves the room? -You noticed!

He keeps doing it. What's he looking at all the time?

-Right! -Mum!

Dust particles!

I told you, I was just looking at stuff.

Martin, I'm not stupid, you know.

-Mum. -Leave him, it's fine.

Stop it, boys. I've seen him.

He's been going in and out of that toilet all day

with that bloody magnifying glass.

Just tell me.

What have you been looking at the whole time?

And please don't say dust particles again.

Look, I told you... Ow!

All right, is it something to do with your penis?

-Mum! -What?

Have you got something wrong with your penis?

-My what? -Your penis!

Oh, my penis, right, my penis.

-Well? -I was bitten.

-Bitten? -Bitten?

-Yes! -On your penis?

Were you bitten on your penis?

Yes! On my penis. My penis, yes.

I wish everyone would stop saying penis.

-Well, bitten by who? -By a bee.

-A bee? -A bee?

Bitten by a bee? You mean stung by a bee.

-That's what I said! -Oh!

Sorry, Dad.

Martin, why didn't you tell me? Are you okay?

-Well, not really, no. -Oh!

So you were stung by a bee. When?

When I was having a wee.

You were stung by a bee when you were having a wee?

Yes, I got stung by a bee when I was having a wee.

-What, in the bathroom? -No, not in the bathroom.

Course not in the bathroom! In the garden.

In the garden? What were you doing weeing in the garden?

Having a wee.

Martin, do you normally wee in the garden?

No! Only if it's a nice day.

-Unbelievable. Let me have a look. -ADAM: Oh!

-It's fine. -Stop it, Martin.

Adam, get the calamine.

Oh, well, I'm off!

-Ow! God! Jackie! -Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.

-Our Dad pisses in the garden. -Yeah.

I wonder if he craps in the bins?

Here.

Oh, shit!

[MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY]

[TEXT MESSAGE BEEPS]

Wilson, shh. Wilson.

Hello.

-But... -Why would you say

that my father had four of them?

I really don't know. It must just be a terrible mistake.

I'm so, so sorry.

Well, goodnight, Jim.

-Yes. -Well.

Indeed.

-Dad? -What?

Show us your cock.