Original subtitles

For someone who doesn't stop going on about Formula One,

you're surprisingly shit at driving.

Ha ha.

Seriously, like no control of the vehicle.

No control of the vehicle?

[CAR ALARM BLARING]

-Why does it keep doing that? -No control of the vehicle.

Well, you can drive next time!

Fine, and you can learn from the master.

Master Knobface.

Why's the door open?

Umm...

[TOILET FLUSHING]

-Oh, hello! -Uh... Hi, Jim.

-Jonny. -I'm Adam.

-I'm Jonny. -Oh, yes.

-ADAM: Why are you... -Hmm?

Nothing.

Good boy, good boy, Wilson.

Bye.

-Goodnight. -Wilson!

That wasn't strange.

-Hi, Mum. -Hi.

Hi, boys.

JONNY: What are you doing in the garage?

We're having a clear-out.

Don't you mean what's Jim doing in our loo?

Martin, you do know the boys are here?

-Say hello. -What?

-Oh, hello, bambinos. -No top tonight?

-He's boiling. -I'm boiling.

And Jim's using our toilet because...

-Oh, his is broken. -Broken?

He broke it. No, there!

He broke his own toilet? How did he do that?

How do I know? Anyway, he asked if he could use ours, what could I say?

-"No"? -"Use a bucket"?

This as well?

Yes, all of them, then you're doing the sofabed.

Your mother wants me to chuck away

all my old copies of New Scientist magazine, can you believe it?

-Yes. -Thank you, Adam!

What do you mean, yes?

You don't even read them. Why do you keep all this crap?

It's not crap! I wish you'd stop calling it crap.

-They're collectibles. -JONNY: Are they?

Boys, look, this one is from 1969

and there's a poster of Isaac Newton. Now, he was a genius.

Sorry, I'm not discussing Isaac Newton again.

Tomorrow morning, you are taking them all to the dump.

Impossible!

Newton.

-Crap. -Crap.

Okay, done the potatoes, overcooked the bloody meat.

Oh! Oh, er, Martin, did you do the sofabed?

-What? No, I'll do it later. -Well, I wanted it ready.

The man's not coming till tomorrow.

-What man? -Oh, the sofabed man.

Martin, can you not eat out of the bin? I've told you!

Ow!

-Dad! -[TIMER DINGS]

Oh, vegetables. Shit, what's the time?

-Uh, 20 past. -Right, out of the way, please!

-Your mum's very excited. -About what?

-It's the final of MasterChef. -It's the final of MasterChef.

Oh, there is such a smashing Greek bloke in the final.

-Really? -JACKIE: Me and Val love him.

Oh, he's got such a terrific bum! [LAUGHS]

Mum!

She's not talking about that Greek fella's arse again, is she?

JACKIE: So exciting!

You'll watch MasterChefwith me, won't you?

-What? -No.

-Please? -No.

-No way! -What do you mean, no way?

It's the final!

-Of people cooking. -And then eating.

Oh, please, for me? I only see you once a week.

-No! -No!

-Martin, speak to the boys. -What about?

JACKIE: MasterChef.

Oh, MasterChef?Um, well, it's a cookery programme on BBC.

It's like a big competition.

-Not generally. Tell them! -Hmm?

-About them watching it! -Oh, right.

-Your mum wants you to watch it. -We know.

-Will you? -BOTH: No!

I tried.

I wish I'd had girls.

-[BURPS] Oh, excuse me. -Come on, pigs.

-Adam? Here. -What?

-Quickly. -Really?

Yes, really!

[SIGHS]

-Aren't you freezing? -Now, Adam, I need to speak to you.

This better not be about what I think it's going to be about.

-What? -You know.

-No. -What you always talk to me about?

The economy?

-No, the F-word. -Females?

-Yes, females. -Oh.

-Well, is it? -No, no, it's, um...

-Well, don't tell my wife, but... -Your wife?

Sorry, your mother.

Look, I ordered some things off the internet

and I had to get them sent round to your place.

What? Why?

50 back copies of New Scientistmagazine?

-Jesus, you're buying more? -Shh!

They're all from 1965. I'm missing that year, it's the set.

Why are you buying more when you're taking the rest to the dump?

If I take the rest to the dump!

-What? -Hmm?

-Dad, you do know Mum will go mental? -[DOOR OPENS]

Why are you both outside?

-Sorry? -Your soup's just sitting there.

-What's that? -Nothing.

It's nothing, Jackie, just females.

Oh, females. Well, hurry up, will you?

-Aren't you freezing? -I told you, I'm boiling!

So, you'll look after the stuff for me?

-All right. God! -So, are there any?

-What, females? -Yes.

No!

My son the monk.

Well...

-You know what, Jackie? -What?

This is a lovely bit of squirrel.

[JACKIE CHUCKLES]

[LAUGHING HEARTILY]

-[PHONE RINGING] -BOTH: I'll get it!

Sit down! It'll only be Val about MasterChef.

-Johnny? -What?

Listen, you know those boxes I'm taking to the dump?

-Full of all that old crap? -It's not crap!

I need you to take them later and put them in your car.

Why do I have to take them to the dump? Why can't Pusface?

Because Pusface here has already been given a job.

Shut up, Adam. Jonny, all I want you to do is take them home

and look after them for me.

-And you're buying more! Jesus, Dad! -Shh!

She is so funny!

Mmm, lovely bread, Jackie. Did you make it?

What? I've never made bread in my life! Okay, what's going...

-How's Auntie Val? -What? Oh, she is so excited!

-MasterShit? -Charming.

Is Alison a good cook?

-Alison? -You know, your pretend girlfriend.

Ha ha! Um, I dunno, really.

What do you mean, you don't know?

He doesn't know because she doesn't exist.

-Just 'cause I've got a girlfriend. -Who has another boyfriend...

Simon is not her boyfriend!

Oh, no, sorry, he's just a guy who sleeps on top of her.

[JACKIE LAUGHS]

-Who are you talking about? -Alison.

-Alan Davidson? -Amazing.

Mum, don't you think Adam should ask Tanya Green out for a date?

Oh, very good.

She's meant to be a lovely girl. Sorry, female.

She is a lovely girl. Oh, she was a beautiful baby.

-You want me to go out with a baby? -Oh, don't be so stupid.

No, it would be lovely, actually, a nice romantic date,

all arranged by my Mum, the paedophile.

-Who's a paedophile? -Mum is.

-Oh. -[DOORBELL RINGS]

-I'll get it! -I'll get it!

I wonder who that could be?

-Ah, um... -Adam.

Yes, of course.

-Right, well, I've just come to... -Yep.

Wilson, you stay.

Oh.

Ooh, something smells nice!

Right. Wilson.

So I'm basically a lavatory attendant.

What could I do? Maybe I should offer him some crumble.

-What? -No way!

-Crumble? No, Jackie! -All right, all right!

Do you think Jim ever gets any, you know,

lady action?

-Shh! -He can't hear us!

Just wait!

[DOOR OPENS]

-JIM: Thanks, Jackie! -Bye, Jim!

So do you reckon Jim ever gets any ladies?

-I think his dog gets more. -I reckon he just strangles them.

[ALL LAUGHING]

-Hello, everyone! -Oh!

We'd...thought you'd gone.

No, just saying hi. Don't get up.

-Hello, Martin. -Hello, Jim.

-Um... You well? -Fine, fine.

-That's a nice spread. -Oh, thank you.

Oh, I'm sorry. You're eating. I'm being very rude.

-No, not at all. -Oh, okay.

[WILSON PANTING]

-So... -So...

[MOUTHING]

-How's Wilson? -He had worms.

-How's Wilson? -He had worms.

-Adam, could you... -Sure, Mum.

Well, it's lovely to see you, Jim.

It's lovely to see you, too, Jackie.

And the others.

-So, if you'd like to... -Yes, of course.

-Oh, and bring in the apple crumble. -ADAM: Yes, okay.

-Ooh, crumble! -Yes!

Well, never mind.

-You'll do that for me, will you? -What?

-What are you... -JONNY: Shh!

-That's your glass. -I know. Don't tell Adam.

And if you ever need to use the toilet round at mine, Jackie,

you're always welcome.

Well, thanks, Jim. That's good to know.

-Has the lady-strangler gone? -Shh! [MOUTHING]

Bye then!

-Mmm, crumble! -Crimble-crumble!

Crimble-crumble! [LAUGHS]

Looks a bit dry. Lucky we've got water.

What?

Nothing, just saying, lucky we've got some water.

Oh, wait a minute. I know what you've done!

-What? -Ha-ha!

Ugh! You bastard!

-How did you... -Jonny!

-The double bluff! -High-five, Dad!

Christ! What are you doing?

You know he doesn't understand these things.

Lunatic!

Right, I'm going to get some new water, then.

Hey!

[PHONE RINGS]

JACKIE: Oh, can you get it? It'll be Val again.

-Hi, Auntie Val. -[HIGH VOICE] Oh, hello, Pusface.

-[LAUGHING] Got ya! -Cockhead.

-Good one, Pissface! -Cheers!

JONNY: You'd better not be doing anything in there!

Sorry?

Ah!

-[DOORBELL RINGS] -JACKIE: Christ, again, already?

It's like a public toilet in here.

Hello, come in. Use the loo.

Oh, thanks. I really do need to go, actually.

-Where is it? -Um, just in there.

Great, thanks!

Mum, there's... There's a man in our loo!

-Yes, we know that. -No, like, a man!

-Come and eat your crumble. -I swear! I opened the door and...

What's he going on about?

JACKIE: Boys?

-Hello? -What are you doing?

Shh!

-Hello? -Who are you talking to?

MAN: Hello?

-Hello? -MAN: Hello?

Who are you saying hello to the whole time?

Shh! Hello?

MAN: Um, hello?

-That's not Jim! -I know!

-What are you doing in there? -Um... I'm going to the toilet.

-Why are we all in the hall? -There's a man in our toilet.

A man?

[KNOCKING]

Who are you?

[TOILET FLUSHES]

Oh, uh...

-Chris Parker. -MARTIN: Who's he?

-What are you doing here? -I've come about the sofabed?

-What? -He's come about the sofabed.

Don't be silly, the man's coming tomorrow.

Um, well, that's a man and he's definitely here now.

I am.

JONNY: And he's definitely come about the sofabed.

-I have. -You're unbelievable!

-Why aren't you here on the 5th? -It is the 5th?

No, Saturday the 5th!

Dad, today is the 5th. It's Friday the 5th.

-Yeah, today is the 5th. -Is it?

Right, well done, Martin, right in the middle of dinner. Thank you.

But I thought the 5th was... Jackie, I'm sorry. I thought...

JACKIE: Now we'll have bloody cold crumble!

MARTIN: I'm sorry! JACKIE: And stop eating out of the bin!

Now, careful! Pull it out slowly.

-Slowly... -I'm doing it slowly!

Yeah, it's perfect size. It's actually for my father.

He's had a pretty tough time recently, you know, health-wise.

-Right. -MARTIN: Slowly.

He's been in and out of hospital. It's been awful, really.

-Yeah. -Move it round.

Anyway, now, hopefully, Dad can come and stay over at ours,

we can always just fold it back into a sofa.

-Okay. -Slowly!

You don't need to tell me to do it slowly any more!

That's the beauty of a sofabed, I suppose.

Yeah, and lift... [SCREAMING]

-What? -Oh shit, shit, shit!

-Are you all right? -Shit on it, shit on the bloody thing!

-Sorry. -Shit on it, shit on it!

-Are you all right? -Course I'm not all right.

The shitting thing went right on my bloody...

-Are you all right? What happened? -Oh, go away, Jackie!

Martin! I'm so sorry.

It's okay, Dad. We'll do it. We'll do it.

-Just go downstairs. -Shit on the shitting thing!

I'm really sorry.

Right, uh, okay.

Slowly, slowly.

-Be careful of the wallpaper. -Okay.

-Slowly... -Please, Mum.

-Oh! -Oh!

-Excuse me. -What are you doing up here?

Well, the other boy was in the one downstairs, so...

-Oh, hello, Jackie. -Hi, Jim.

-ADAM: If you could keep moving back... -Yes, quickly.

-Oh, sorry. Jim, Jim Bell. -Sorry. Chris, Chris Parker.

-I broke my toilet. -Oh. How did you do that?

-Okay, shall we... -Right, yes.

-So, bye, Jackie! -Bye, Jim.

Bye-bye, all.

He's, uh, not part of the family.

Jonny's meant to be taping it. Jonny, are you taping it?

JONNY: Yes, I've told you!

And don't tell me who wins!

-Adam, what's your mother doing? -Phone!

-Oh, typical. -I said be careful of the wallpaper!

Yes, okay!

All right, just tell me, is his lovely bottom in those tight leather trousers?

-What's she talking about? -Someone's bottom.

Yeah, I'd better go. Bye, love!

How are we doing?

I think you need to move it a bit your way.

-Whoa, whoa! -You all right there, Pusface?

Yes, fine, go away!

Well, I'll just go and have a nice lie down on the sofa, then.

Jonny, you are taping MasterChef?

For the three hundred and fifty thousandth bloody time,

I'm taping it, all right?

Excuse my horrible sons.

Jonny, the boxes, in the car!

-Oh... What, now? -Yes, bleedin' now!

-Right, what's happening? -I think it's stuck.

-What? -It's stuck.

What? I can't understand a word the bloody man's saying.

-What did he say? -BOTH: It's stuck!

Right, it's stuck, thank you.

-Well, what are we going to do? -Um, hang ourselves?

[LAUGHING]

-Martin! -Is it really stuck?

Well, you try pulling it up your way a bit.

No, it's going to... Stop, it's tearing the wallpaper, stop!

Brilliant, it's stuck. It's properly stuck!

[CAR ALARM BLARING]

Oh, I hope that's not Dad's. Hold on, don't let go!

[CAR ALARM STOPS]

What? Mum!

-Martin? Martin! -Mum, please!

-Darling? -You think I'm stupid, do you?

-Sorry? -Mum, not now.

Shut up, Adam! So that's what you do.

Instead of chucking away all those dirty old magazines that you know I hate,

you get your youngest son to hide them for you!

What? But...

And then you go and buy more, more of those bloody magazines!

By the way, they're not, like, dirty magazines.

Oh, right.

-Jackie, they're collectibles! -They're not collectibles, they're crap!

But Jackie... Oh! Shit, shit on it!

Will you please stop saying "shit on it"!

Stop saying "shit on it".

[MOBILE RINGING]

Hello?

As soon as we get downstairs,

you are taking those bloody boxes straight out of Jonny's car,

-do you hear me? -Yes!

-Oh my God! When? -[SHUSHING]

Oh, no. No, no!

Okay, right. Oh, my God.

Right, okay. Yeah.

You all right?

Um... I think I need to sit down.

What's the matter?

My... My Dad. My Dad's just died.

Oh, my God! Oh, I'm so sorry!

-Yeah, sorry. -How awful.

What sort of dog was it?

[CHATTERING ON TV]

We all knew it was coming. It's just the shock.

Mmm.

TV NARRATOR: ...much darker secrets below its surface.

No, I'm okay, love. I'm just sitting down for a bit.

They never know just when they might encounter...

[MOUTHING]

...the Great White shark...

CHRIS: Mmm.

I'll be leaving very soon. They're just making me a cup of tea.

-Okay, I will. Bye. -[TURNS TV OFF]

[TURNS TV ON]

-Are you all right? -Hmm? Yeah, thanks.

Sorry, did you say you take sugar?

Sorry? Um... No, no sugar, thanks.

Well, talk to the man!

Fantastic Friday night, can you invite him round every week?

Don't be horrible. How would you feel if, God forbid, one of us died?

-Um... -Right, thank you, Adam.

-Okay. -Dad! Dad!

-What's happening? -What?

-What are you doing? -I'm making the man a cup of tea.

-What? -But Dad! No! Not that cup!

-What's the matter? -Oh, my God!

-Here you are. -That's my cup!

-Nice cup of tea. -Thank you.

What? Oh, no, um, excuse me...

Ugh! I think this has got salt in it.

-MARTIN: What? -Did you put salt in my tea?

-Sorry, sorry. -MARTIN: What's he saying?

-JONNY: There was salt in his tea. -Salt?

-Is this water? -JONNY: I think so.

I put salt in his tea?

Ugh!

-There's salt in this, too! -Oh, is there?

Why would you do that? Why have you put salt in everything?

My father's just died and you're just putting salt in everything!

Actually, I've got to go.

What about the sofabed?

You have to twist it up a bit.

Just twist it up a bit more.

Lift up the catch.

Push and pull!

Christ!

I think he liked us.

That's it, Jackie. Be careful, be careful!

It's all right, Mum. It was easy.

-Slowly. -Oh, God!

Careful, Jackie, careful.

Oh!

-That's it. -Thank you.

Good girl. Down we come.

There we are.

-Well done, Mum. -You okay, Jackie?

Oh, at last! Thanks, Jim.

-Okay. -Thanks, Jim.

Yeah, thanks, thanks again.

Actually, do you mind if I, you know...

-There. -Thanks.

Right. MasterChef!

Oh, I know. Who'd have thought that that Greek chap would win?

What a final!

[DOOR CLOSES]

[JIM URINATING]

[CRASHING]

Shit on it!