All language subtitles for Friday.Night.Dinner.S01E01.The.Sofabed.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-pawel2006_track3_[eng]

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:34,880 --> 00:00:36,880 For someone who doesn't stop going on about Formula One, 2 00:00:36,920 --> 00:00:38,120 you're surprisingly shit at driving. 3 00:00:38,160 --> 00:00:39,440 Ha ha. 4 00:00:39,480 --> 00:00:40,800 Seriously, like no control of the vehicle. 5 00:00:40,840 --> 00:00:41,920 No control of the vehicle? 6 00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:43,960 [CAR ALARM BLARING] 7 00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:47,000 -Why does it keep doing that? -No control of the vehicle. 8 00:00:47,040 --> 00:00:48,280 Well, you can drive next time! 9 00:00:48,320 --> 00:00:49,760 Fine, and you can learn from the master. 10 00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:51,440 Master Knobface. 11 00:00:52,280 --> 00:00:54,040 Why's the door open? 12 00:00:56,480 --> 00:00:57,520 Umm... 13 00:00:57,560 --> 00:00:59,200 [TOILET FLUSHING] 14 00:01:02,320 --> 00:01:06,320 -Oh, hello! -Uh... Hi, Jim. 15 00:01:06,360 --> 00:01:08,240 -Jonny. -I'm Adam. 16 00:01:08,280 --> 00:01:11,080 -I'm Jonny. -Oh, yes. 17 00:01:11,120 --> 00:01:13,400 -ADAM: Why are you... -Hmm? 18 00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:15,240 Nothing. 19 00:01:20,160 --> 00:01:22,480 Good boy, good boy, Wilson. 20 00:01:22,520 --> 00:01:23,680 Bye. 21 00:01:23,720 --> 00:01:25,680 -Goodnight. -Wilson! 22 00:01:27,360 --> 00:01:29,240 That wasn't strange. 23 00:01:29,280 --> 00:01:30,600 -Hi, Mum. -Hi. 24 00:01:30,640 --> 00:01:31,840 Hi, boys. 25 00:01:31,880 --> 00:01:32,920 JONNY: What are you doing in the garage? 26 00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:34,160 We're having a clear-out. 27 00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:35,640 Don't you mean what's Jim doing in our loo? 28 00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:37,560 Martin, you do know the boys are here? 29 00:01:37,600 --> 00:01:39,520 -Say hello. -What? 30 00:01:39,560 --> 00:01:41,400 -Oh, hello, bambinos. -No top tonight? 31 00:01:41,440 --> 00:01:42,720 -He's boiling. -I'm boiling. 32 00:01:42,760 --> 00:01:45,000 And Jim's using our toilet because... 33 00:01:45,040 --> 00:01:47,320 -Oh, his is broken. -Broken? 34 00:01:47,360 --> 00:01:49,400 He broke it. No, there! 35 00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:51,560 He broke his own toilet? How did he do that? 36 00:01:51,600 --> 00:01:55,040 How do I know? Anyway, he asked if he could use ours, what could I say? 37 00:01:55,080 --> 00:01:56,800 -"No"? -"Use a bucket"? 38 00:01:56,840 --> 00:01:58,080 This as well? 39 00:01:58,120 --> 00:02:00,800 Yes, all of them, then you're doing the sofabed. 40 00:02:00,840 --> 00:02:02,560 Your mother wants me to chuck away 41 00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:05,520 all my old copies of New Scientist magazine, can you believe it? 42 00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:07,320 -Yes. -Thank you, Adam! 43 00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:08,760 What do you mean, yes? 44 00:02:08,800 --> 00:02:11,120 You don't even read them. Why do you keep all this crap? 45 00:02:11,160 --> 00:02:14,160 It's not crap! I wish you'd stop calling it crap. 46 00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:16,600 -They're collectibles. -JONNY: Are they? 47 00:02:16,640 --> 00:02:21,200 Boys, look, this one is from 1969 48 00:02:21,240 --> 00:02:26,520 and there's a poster of Isaac Newton. Now, he was a genius. 49 00:02:26,560 --> 00:02:28,560 Sorry, I'm not discussing Isaac Newton again. 50 00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:30,960 Tomorrow morning, you are taking them all to the dump. 51 00:02:31,000 --> 00:02:32,120 Impossible! 52 00:02:33,080 --> 00:02:34,160 Newton. 53 00:02:34,200 --> 00:02:36,840 -Crap. -Crap. 54 00:02:36,880 --> 00:02:40,200 Okay, done the potatoes, overcooked the bloody meat. 55 00:02:40,240 --> 00:02:44,120 Oh! Oh, er, Martin, did you do the sofabed? 56 00:02:44,160 --> 00:02:47,760 -What? No, I'll do it later. -Well, I wanted it ready. 57 00:02:47,800 --> 00:02:49,560 The man's not coming till tomorrow. 58 00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:51,960 -What man? -Oh, the sofabed man. 59 00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:54,680 Martin, can you not eat out of the bin? I've told you! 60 00:02:54,720 --> 00:02:55,760 Ow! 61 00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:57,280 -Dad! -[TIMER DINGS] 62 00:02:57,320 --> 00:02:59,520 Oh, vegetables. Shit, what's the time? 63 00:02:59,560 --> 00:03:02,480 -Uh, 20 past. -Right, out of the way, please! 64 00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:04,520 -Your mum's very excited. -About what? 65 00:03:04,560 --> 00:03:08,120 -It's the final of MasterChef. -It's the final of MasterChef. 66 00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:11,320 Oh, there is such a smashing Greek bloke in the final. 67 00:03:11,360 --> 00:03:12,960 -Really? -JACKIE: Me and Val love him. 68 00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:15,600 Oh, he's got such a terrific bum! [LAUGHS] 69 00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:17,360 Mum! 70 00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:19,040 She's not talking about that Greek fella's arse again, is she? 71 00:03:19,080 --> 00:03:20,440 JACKIE: So exciting! 72 00:03:20,480 --> 00:03:22,360 You'll watch MasterChefwith me, won't you? 73 00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:23,600 -What? -No. 74 00:03:23,640 --> 00:03:24,920 -Please? -No. 75 00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:26,400 -No way! -What do you mean, no way? 76 00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:27,680 It's the final! 77 00:03:27,720 --> 00:03:29,400 -Of people cooking. -And then eating. 78 00:03:29,440 --> 00:03:34,040 Oh, please, for me? I only see you once a week. 79 00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:35,280 -No! -No! 80 00:03:35,320 --> 00:03:37,640 -Martin, speak to the boys. -What about? 81 00:03:37,680 --> 00:03:39,520 JACKIE: MasterChef. 82 00:03:39,560 --> 00:03:43,880 Oh, MasterChef?Um, well, it's a cookery programme on BBC. 83 00:03:43,920 --> 00:03:45,120 It's like a big competition. 84 00:03:45,160 --> 00:03:48,160 -Not generally. Tell them! -Hmm? 85 00:03:48,200 --> 00:03:50,360 -About them watching it! -Oh, right. 86 00:03:50,400 --> 00:03:52,000 -Your mum wants you to watch it. -We know. 87 00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:53,400 -Will you? -BOTH: No! 88 00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:54,680 I tried. 89 00:03:55,560 --> 00:03:57,000 I wish I'd had girls. 90 00:03:57,040 --> 00:04:00,600 -[BURPS] Oh, excuse me. -Come on, pigs. 91 00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:04,680 -Adam? Here. -What? 92 00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:05,960 -Quickly. -Really? 93 00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:07,640 Yes, really! 94 00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:08,880 [SIGHS] 95 00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:15,480 -Aren't you freezing? -Now, Adam, I need to speak to you. 96 00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:17,800 This better not be about what I think it's going to be about. 97 00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:19,560 -What? -You know. 98 00:04:19,600 --> 00:04:22,240 -No. -What you always talk to me about? 99 00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:26,400 The economy? 100 00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:28,840 -No, the F-word. -Females? 101 00:04:28,880 --> 00:04:30,560 -Yes, females. -Oh. 102 00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:34,640 -Well, is it? -No, no, it's, um... 103 00:04:34,680 --> 00:04:37,600 -Well, don't tell my wife, but... -Your wife? 104 00:04:37,640 --> 00:04:38,880 Sorry, your mother. 105 00:04:38,920 --> 00:04:41,600 Look, I ordered some things off the internet 106 00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:44,040 and I had to get them sent round to your place. 107 00:04:44,080 --> 00:04:46,680 What? Why? 108 00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:49,520 50 back copies of New Scientistmagazine? 109 00:04:49,560 --> 00:04:51,120 -Jesus, you're buying more? -Shh! 110 00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:54,360 They're all from 1965. I'm missing that year, it's the set. 111 00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:56,320 Why are you buying more when you're taking the rest to the dump? 112 00:04:56,360 --> 00:04:58,000 If I take the rest to the dump! 113 00:04:58,040 --> 00:04:59,720 -What? -Hmm? 114 00:04:59,760 --> 00:05:03,800 -Dad, you do know Mum will go mental? -[DOOR OPENS] 115 00:05:03,840 --> 00:05:05,840 Why are you both outside? 116 00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:08,360 -Sorry? -Your soup's just sitting there. 117 00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:10,080 -What's that? -Nothing. 118 00:05:10,120 --> 00:05:14,480 It's nothing, Jackie, just females. 119 00:05:14,520 --> 00:05:17,320 Oh, females. Well, hurry up, will you? 120 00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:20,440 -Aren't you freezing? -I told you, I'm boiling! 121 00:05:25,480 --> 00:05:27,080 So, you'll look after the stuff for me? 122 00:05:27,120 --> 00:05:29,640 -All right. God! -So, are there any? 123 00:05:30,320 --> 00:05:31,600 -What, females? -Yes. 124 00:05:31,640 --> 00:05:32,840 No! 125 00:05:32,880 --> 00:05:34,480 My son the monk. 126 00:05:37,840 --> 00:05:38,960 Well... 127 00:05:40,920 --> 00:05:42,840 -You know what, Jackie? -What? 128 00:05:42,880 --> 00:05:44,840 This is a lovely bit of squirrel. 129 00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:45,960 [JACKIE CHUCKLES] 130 00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:47,840 [LAUGHING HEARTILY] 131 00:05:50,560 --> 00:05:52,360 -[PHONE RINGING] -BOTH: I'll get it! 132 00:05:52,400 --> 00:05:55,760 Sit down! It'll only be Val about MasterChef. 133 00:05:57,480 --> 00:05:58,920 -Johnny? -What? 134 00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:01,440 Listen, you know those boxes I'm taking to the dump? 135 00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:04,720 -Full of all that old crap? -It's not crap! 136 00:06:04,760 --> 00:06:06,960 I need you to take them later and put them in your car. 137 00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:09,200 Why do I have to take them to the dump? Why can't Pusface? 138 00:06:09,240 --> 00:06:11,200 Because Pusface here has already been given a job. 139 00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:14,080 Shut up, Adam. Jonny, all I want you to do is take them home 140 00:06:14,120 --> 00:06:15,800 and look after them for me. 141 00:06:15,840 --> 00:06:18,320 -And you're buying more! Jesus, Dad! -Shh! 142 00:06:18,360 --> 00:06:19,760 She is so funny! 143 00:06:19,800 --> 00:06:22,840 Mmm, lovely bread, Jackie. Did you make it? 144 00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:26,720 What? I've never made bread in my life! Okay, what's going... 145 00:06:26,760 --> 00:06:30,480 -How's Auntie Val? -What? Oh, she is so excited! 146 00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:32,400 -MasterShit? -Charming. 147 00:06:33,120 --> 00:06:35,280 Is Alison a good cook? 148 00:06:35,320 --> 00:06:37,560 -Alison? -You know, your pretend girlfriend. 149 00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:40,240 Ha ha! Um, I dunno, really. 150 00:06:40,280 --> 00:06:41,560 What do you mean, you don't know? 151 00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:43,400 He doesn't know because she doesn't exist. 152 00:06:43,440 --> 00:06:45,640 -Just 'cause I've got a girlfriend. -Who has another boyfriend... 153 00:06:45,680 --> 00:06:47,080 Simon is not her boyfriend! 154 00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:49,240 Oh, no, sorry, he's just a guy who sleeps on top of her. 155 00:06:49,280 --> 00:06:50,360 [JACKIE LAUGHS] 156 00:06:50,400 --> 00:06:52,640 -Who are you talking about? -Alison. 157 00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:55,720 -Alan Davidson? -Amazing. 158 00:06:55,760 --> 00:06:58,120 Mum, don't you think Adam should ask Tanya Green out for a date? 159 00:06:58,160 --> 00:06:59,680 Oh, very good. 160 00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:01,520 She's meant to be a lovely girl. Sorry, female. 161 00:07:01,560 --> 00:07:05,080 She is a lovely girl. Oh, she was a beautiful baby. 162 00:07:05,120 --> 00:07:07,360 -You want me to go out with a baby? -Oh, don't be so stupid. 163 00:07:07,400 --> 00:07:09,560 No, it would be lovely, actually, a nice romantic date, 164 00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:11,480 all arranged by my Mum, the paedophile. 165 00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:12,840 -Who's a paedophile? -Mum is. 166 00:07:12,880 --> 00:07:14,280 -Oh. -[DOORBELL RINGS] 167 00:07:14,320 --> 00:07:16,360 -I'll get it! -I'll get it! 168 00:07:17,640 --> 00:07:18,800 I wonder who that could be? 169 00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:23,560 -Ah, um... -Adam. 170 00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:26,240 Yes, of course. 171 00:07:26,280 --> 00:07:29,440 -Right, well, I've just come to... -Yep. 172 00:07:30,120 --> 00:07:31,880 Wilson, you stay. 173 00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:36,640 Oh. 174 00:07:38,880 --> 00:07:41,000 Ooh, something smells nice! 175 00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:44,240 Right. Wilson. 176 00:07:55,200 --> 00:07:56,920 So I'm basically a lavatory attendant. 177 00:07:56,960 --> 00:08:00,520 What could I do? Maybe I should offer him some crumble. 178 00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:01,720 -What? -No way! 179 00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:05,480 -Crumble? No, Jackie! -All right, all right! 180 00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:08,120 Do you think Jim ever gets any, you know, 181 00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:10,320 lady action? 182 00:08:10,360 --> 00:08:11,560 -Shh! -He can't hear us! 183 00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:12,840 Just wait! 184 00:08:12,880 --> 00:08:14,280 [DOOR OPENS] 185 00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:19,400 -JIM: Thanks, Jackie! -Bye, Jim! 186 00:08:19,440 --> 00:08:21,480 So do you reckon Jim ever gets any ladies? 187 00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:24,680 -I think his dog gets more. -I reckon he just strangles them. 188 00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:26,280 [ALL LAUGHING] 189 00:08:26,320 --> 00:08:27,880 -Hello, everyone! -Oh! 190 00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:30,840 We'd...thought you'd gone. 191 00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:33,560 No, just saying hi. Don't get up. 192 00:08:37,160 --> 00:08:39,400 -Hello, Martin. -Hello, Jim. 193 00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:45,000 -Um... You well? -Fine, fine. 194 00:08:46,440 --> 00:08:49,720 -That's a nice spread. -Oh, thank you. 195 00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:54,200 Oh, I'm sorry. You're eating. I'm being very rude. 196 00:08:54,240 --> 00:08:56,920 -No, not at all. -Oh, okay. 197 00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:02,640 [WILSON PANTING] 198 00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:06,400 -So... -So... 199 00:09:09,120 --> 00:09:10,600 [MOUTHING] 200 00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:15,320 -How's Wilson? -He had worms. 201 00:09:15,360 --> 00:09:17,560 -How's Wilson? -He had worms. 202 00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:24,280 -Adam, could you... -Sure, Mum. 203 00:09:26,040 --> 00:09:28,200 Well, it's lovely to see you, Jim. 204 00:09:28,240 --> 00:09:30,760 It's lovely to see you, too, Jackie. 205 00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:32,320 And the others. 206 00:09:35,280 --> 00:09:39,600 -So, if you'd like to... -Yes, of course. 207 00:09:39,640 --> 00:09:42,280 -Oh, and bring in the apple crumble. -ADAM: Yes, okay. 208 00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:44,160 -Ooh, crumble! -Yes! 209 00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:47,720 Well, never mind. 210 00:09:47,760 --> 00:09:49,800 -You'll do that for me, will you? -What? 211 00:09:49,840 --> 00:09:51,200 -What are you... -JONNY: Shh! 212 00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:53,560 -That's your glass. -I know. Don't tell Adam. 213 00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:56,600 And if you ever need to use the toilet round at mine, Jackie, 214 00:09:56,640 --> 00:09:57,760 you're always welcome. 215 00:09:57,800 --> 00:10:00,400 Well, thanks, Jim. That's good to know. 216 00:10:02,240 --> 00:10:05,040 -Has the lady-strangler gone? -Shh! [MOUTHING] 217 00:10:05,080 --> 00:10:06,360 Bye then! 218 00:10:09,480 --> 00:10:12,720 -Mmm, crumble! -Crimble-crumble! 219 00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:15,600 Crimble-crumble! [LAUGHS] 220 00:10:15,640 --> 00:10:19,040 Looks a bit dry. Lucky we've got water. 221 00:10:19,080 --> 00:10:20,440 What? 222 00:10:20,480 --> 00:10:22,760 Nothing, just saying, lucky we've got some water. 223 00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:26,240 Oh, wait a minute. I know what you've done! 224 00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:28,120 -What? -Ha-ha! 225 00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:32,560 Ugh! You bastard! 226 00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:34,000 -How did you... -Jonny! 227 00:10:34,040 --> 00:10:35,800 -The double bluff! -High-five, Dad! 228 00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:37,720 Christ! What are you doing? 229 00:10:37,760 --> 00:10:39,560 You know he doesn't understand these things. 230 00:10:39,600 --> 00:10:40,760 Lunatic! 231 00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:43,760 Right, I'm going to get some new water, then. 232 00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:44,880 Hey! 233 00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:48,800 [PHONE RINGS] 234 00:10:48,840 --> 00:10:51,600 JACKIE: Oh, can you get it? It'll be Val again. 235 00:10:56,400 --> 00:10:59,080 -Hi, Auntie Val. -[HIGH VOICE] Oh, hello, Pusface. 236 00:10:59,120 --> 00:11:01,320 -[LAUGHING] Got ya! -Cockhead. 237 00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:06,800 -Good one, Pissface! -Cheers! 238 00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:21,360 JONNY: You'd better not be doing anything in there! 239 00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:22,560 Sorry? 240 00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:26,800 Ah! 241 00:11:26,840 --> 00:11:29,000 -[DOORBELL RINGS] -JACKIE: Christ, again, already? 242 00:11:29,040 --> 00:11:31,560 It's like a public toilet in here. 243 00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:33,920 Hello, come in. Use the loo. 244 00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:36,720 Oh, thanks. I really do need to go, actually. 245 00:11:36,760 --> 00:11:39,320 -Where is it? -Um, just in there. 246 00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:40,840 Great, thanks! 247 00:11:49,200 --> 00:11:52,560 Mum, there's... There's a man in our loo! 248 00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:56,760 -Yes, we know that. -No, like, a man! 249 00:11:56,800 --> 00:12:01,240 -Come and eat your crumble. -I swear! I opened the door and... 250 00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:03,320 What's he going on about? 251 00:12:04,240 --> 00:12:05,280 JACKIE: Boys? 252 00:12:05,320 --> 00:12:06,840 -Hello? -What are you doing? 253 00:12:06,880 --> 00:12:08,040 Shh! 254 00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:12,760 -Hello? -Who are you talking to? 255 00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:14,240 MAN: Hello? 256 00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:19,720 -Hello? -MAN: Hello? 257 00:12:19,760 --> 00:12:21,680 Who are you saying hello to the whole time? 258 00:12:21,720 --> 00:12:23,920 Shh! Hello? 259 00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:25,360 MAN: Um, hello? 260 00:12:25,400 --> 00:12:27,400 -That's not Jim! -I know! 261 00:12:30,320 --> 00:12:34,880 -What are you doing in there? -Um... I'm going to the toilet. 262 00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:37,920 -Why are we all in the hall? -There's a man in our toilet. 263 00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:39,120 A man? 264 00:12:39,920 --> 00:12:41,320 [KNOCKING] 265 00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:42,600 Who are you? 266 00:12:42,640 --> 00:12:44,240 [TOILET FLUSHES] 267 00:12:46,280 --> 00:12:48,000 Oh, uh... 268 00:12:48,040 --> 00:12:50,120 -Chris Parker. -MARTIN: Who's he? 269 00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:52,760 -What are you doing here? -I've come about the sofabed? 270 00:12:52,800 --> 00:12:54,400 -What? -He's come about the sofabed. 271 00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:56,280 Don't be silly, the man's coming tomorrow. 272 00:12:56,320 --> 00:12:59,520 Um, well, that's a man and he's definitely here now. 273 00:12:59,560 --> 00:13:00,760 I am. 274 00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:02,440 JONNY: And he's definitely come about the sofabed. 275 00:13:02,480 --> 00:13:04,720 -I have. -You're unbelievable! 276 00:13:04,760 --> 00:13:07,800 -Why aren't you here on the 5th? -It is the 5th? 277 00:13:07,840 --> 00:13:09,440 No, Saturday the 5th! 278 00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:11,920 Dad, today is the 5th. It's Friday the 5th. 279 00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:14,080 -Yeah, today is the 5th. -Is it? 280 00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:17,240 Right, well done, Martin, right in the middle of dinner. Thank you. 281 00:13:17,280 --> 00:13:20,560 But I thought the 5th was... Jackie, I'm sorry. I thought... 282 00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:22,520 JACKIE: Now we'll have bloody cold crumble! 283 00:13:22,560 --> 00:13:26,320 MARTIN: I'm sorry! JACKIE: And stop eating out of the bin! 284 00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:30,120 Now, careful! Pull it out slowly. 285 00:13:31,200 --> 00:13:33,280 -Slowly... -I'm doing it slowly! 286 00:13:33,320 --> 00:13:36,600 Yeah, it's perfect size. It's actually for my father. 287 00:13:36,640 --> 00:13:38,960 He's had a pretty tough time recently, you know, health-wise. 288 00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:40,720 -Right. -MARTIN: Slowly. 289 00:13:40,760 --> 00:13:43,080 He's been in and out of hospital. It's been awful, really. 290 00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:44,560 -Yeah. -Move it round. 291 00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:47,000 Anyway, now, hopefully, Dad can come and stay over at ours, 292 00:13:47,040 --> 00:13:48,880 we can always just fold it back into a sofa. 293 00:13:48,920 --> 00:13:50,400 -Okay. -Slowly! 294 00:13:50,440 --> 00:13:53,000 You don't need to tell me to do it slowly any more! 295 00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:54,480 That's the beauty of a sofabed, I suppose. 296 00:13:54,520 --> 00:13:57,520 Yeah, and lift... [SCREAMING] 297 00:13:57,560 --> 00:14:00,400 -What? -Oh shit, shit, shit! 298 00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:03,640 -Are you all right? -Shit on it, shit on the bloody thing! 299 00:14:03,680 --> 00:14:06,160 -Sorry. -Shit on it, shit on it! 300 00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:07,560 -Are you all right? -Course I'm not all right. 301 00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:09,640 The shitting thing went right on my bloody... 302 00:14:09,680 --> 00:14:12,680 -Are you all right? What happened? -Oh, go away, Jackie! 303 00:14:12,720 --> 00:14:15,720 Martin! I'm so sorry. 304 00:14:15,760 --> 00:14:17,720 It's okay, Dad. We'll do it. We'll do it. 305 00:14:17,760 --> 00:14:22,280 -Just go downstairs. -Shit on the shitting thing! 306 00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:23,960 I'm really sorry. 307 00:14:26,880 --> 00:14:29,360 Right, uh, okay. 308 00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:33,960 Slowly, slowly. 309 00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:38,200 -Be careful of the wallpaper. -Okay. 310 00:14:38,240 --> 00:14:41,000 -Slowly... -Please, Mum. 311 00:14:41,760 --> 00:14:42,920 -Oh! -Oh! 312 00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:46,360 -Excuse me. -What are you doing up here? 313 00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:49,920 Well, the other boy was in the one downstairs, so... 314 00:14:51,880 --> 00:14:55,040 -Oh, hello, Jackie. -Hi, Jim. 315 00:14:55,080 --> 00:14:57,120 -ADAM: If you could keep moving back... -Yes, quickly. 316 00:14:57,160 --> 00:15:02,040 -Oh, sorry. Jim, Jim Bell. -Sorry. Chris, Chris Parker. 317 00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:05,240 -I broke my toilet. -Oh. How did you do that? 318 00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:11,760 -Okay, shall we... -Right, yes. 319 00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:16,200 -So, bye, Jackie! -Bye, Jim. 320 00:15:16,240 --> 00:15:18,360 Bye-bye, all. 321 00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:20,560 He's, uh, not part of the family. 322 00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:26,720 Jonny's meant to be taping it. Jonny, are you taping it? 323 00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:28,400 JONNY: Yes, I've told you! 324 00:15:28,440 --> 00:15:30,320 And don't tell me who wins! 325 00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:32,640 -Adam, what's your mother doing? -Phone! 326 00:15:32,680 --> 00:15:35,720 -Oh, typical. -I said be careful of the wallpaper! 327 00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:37,680 Yes, okay! 328 00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:41,640 All right, just tell me, is his lovely bottom in those tight leather trousers? 329 00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:43,920 -What's she talking about? -Someone's bottom. 330 00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:46,000 Yeah, I'd better go. Bye, love! 331 00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:47,320 How are we doing? 332 00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:49,120 I think you need to move it a bit your way. 333 00:15:49,160 --> 00:15:51,160 -Whoa, whoa! -You all right there, Pusface? 334 00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:52,920 Yes, fine, go away! 335 00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:55,520 Well, I'll just go and have a nice lie down on the sofa, then. 336 00:15:55,560 --> 00:15:57,960 Jonny, you are taping MasterChef? 337 00:15:58,000 --> 00:15:59,920 For the three hundred and fifty thousandth bloody time, 338 00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:01,960 I'm taping it, all right? 339 00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:04,000 Excuse my horrible sons. 340 00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:08,880 Jonny, the boxes, in the car! 341 00:16:08,920 --> 00:16:12,200 -Oh... What, now? -Yes, bleedin' now! 342 00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:18,120 -Right, what's happening? -I think it's stuck. 343 00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:19,880 -What? -It's stuck. 344 00:16:19,920 --> 00:16:22,760 What? I can't understand a word the bloody man's saying. 345 00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:25,120 -What did he say? -BOTH: It's stuck! 346 00:16:25,160 --> 00:16:28,280 Right, it's stuck, thank you. 347 00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:32,280 -Well, what are we going to do? -Um, hang ourselves? 348 00:16:32,320 --> 00:16:33,480 [LAUGHING] 349 00:16:33,520 --> 00:16:35,680 -Martin! -Is it really stuck? 350 00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:38,200 Well, you try pulling it up your way a bit. 351 00:16:38,240 --> 00:16:41,080 No, it's going to... Stop, it's tearing the wallpaper, stop! 352 00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:43,360 Brilliant, it's stuck. It's properly stuck! 353 00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:44,760 [CAR ALARM BLARING] 354 00:16:44,800 --> 00:16:48,520 Oh, I hope that's not Dad's. Hold on, don't let go! 355 00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:55,040 [CAR ALARM STOPS] 356 00:16:58,720 --> 00:17:02,120 What? Mum! 357 00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:09,600 -Martin? Martin! -Mum, please! 358 00:17:10,760 --> 00:17:14,640 -Darling? -You think I'm stupid, do you? 359 00:17:14,680 --> 00:17:16,280 -Sorry? -Mum, not now. 360 00:17:16,320 --> 00:17:18,560 Shut up, Adam! So that's what you do. 361 00:17:18,600 --> 00:17:22,720 Instead of chucking away all those dirty old magazines that you know I hate, 362 00:17:22,760 --> 00:17:24,920 you get your youngest son to hide them for you! 363 00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:26,560 What? But... 364 00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:31,280 And then you go and buy more, more of those bloody magazines! 365 00:17:31,320 --> 00:17:33,080 By the way, they're not, like, dirty magazines. 366 00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:34,880 Oh, right. 367 00:17:34,920 --> 00:17:37,600 -Jackie, they're collectibles! -They're not collectibles, they're crap! 368 00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:40,760 But Jackie... Oh! Shit, shit on it! 369 00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:43,360 Will you please stop saying "shit on it"! 370 00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:44,920 Stop saying "shit on it". 371 00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:46,680 [MOBILE RINGING] 372 00:17:46,720 --> 00:17:47,800 Hello? 373 00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:49,520 As soon as we get downstairs, 374 00:17:49,560 --> 00:17:52,120 you are taking those bloody boxes straight out of Jonny's car, 375 00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:53,560 -do you hear me? -Yes! 376 00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:55,760 -Oh my God! When? -[SHUSHING] 377 00:17:56,560 --> 00:17:58,800 Oh, no. No, no! 378 00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:03,480 Okay, right. Oh, my God. 379 00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:06,600 Right, okay. Yeah. 380 00:18:09,080 --> 00:18:10,400 You all right? 381 00:18:10,440 --> 00:18:13,400 Um... I think I need to sit down. 382 00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:15,160 What's the matter? 383 00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:19,040 My... My Dad. My Dad's just died. 384 00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:25,240 Oh, my God! Oh, I'm so sorry! 385 00:18:25,280 --> 00:18:28,000 -Yeah, sorry. -How awful. 386 00:18:29,280 --> 00:18:31,240 What sort of dog was it? 387 00:18:32,840 --> 00:18:34,720 [CHATTERING ON TV] 388 00:18:34,760 --> 00:18:37,000 We all knew it was coming. It's just the shock. 389 00:18:38,040 --> 00:18:39,520 Mmm. 390 00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:41,640 TV NARRATOR: ...much darker secrets below its surface. 391 00:18:41,680 --> 00:18:44,400 No, I'm okay, love. I'm just sitting down for a bit. 392 00:18:44,440 --> 00:18:46,480 They never know just when they might encounter... 393 00:18:46,520 --> 00:18:47,920 [MOUTHING] 394 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:50,840 ...the Great White shark... 395 00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:52,800 CHRIS: Mmm. 396 00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:55,840 I'll be leaving very soon. They're just making me a cup of tea. 397 00:18:55,880 --> 00:18:57,400 -Okay, I will. Bye. -[TURNS TV OFF] 398 00:18:58,400 --> 00:19:00,400 [TURNS TV ON] 399 00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:04,080 -Are you all right? -Hmm? Yeah, thanks. 400 00:19:05,560 --> 00:19:07,680 Sorry, did you say you take sugar? 401 00:19:07,720 --> 00:19:11,040 Sorry? Um... No, no sugar, thanks. 402 00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:14,760 Well, talk to the man! 403 00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:25,640 Fantastic Friday night, can you invite him round every week? 404 00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:29,360 Don't be horrible. How would you feel if, God forbid, one of us died? 405 00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:31,480 -Um... -Right, thank you, Adam. 406 00:19:31,520 --> 00:19:34,080 -Okay. -Dad! Dad! 407 00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:37,040 -What's happening? -What? 408 00:19:37,080 --> 00:19:39,880 -What are you doing? -I'm making the man a cup of tea. 409 00:19:39,920 --> 00:19:43,680 -What? -But Dad! No! Not that cup! 410 00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:45,480 -What's the matter? -Oh, my God! 411 00:19:45,520 --> 00:19:47,280 -Here you are. -That's my cup! 412 00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:49,480 -Nice cup of tea. -Thank you. 413 00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:53,880 What? Oh, no, um, excuse me... 414 00:19:53,920 --> 00:19:57,760 Ugh! I think this has got salt in it. 415 00:19:57,800 --> 00:19:59,480 -MARTIN: What? -Did you put salt in my tea? 416 00:19:59,520 --> 00:20:00,920 -Sorry, sorry. -MARTIN: What's he saying? 417 00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:03,240 -JONNY: There was salt in his tea. -Salt? 418 00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:05,560 -Is this water? -JONNY: I think so. 419 00:20:05,600 --> 00:20:07,440 I put salt in his tea? 420 00:20:08,760 --> 00:20:09,960 Ugh! 421 00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:12,120 -There's salt in this, too! -Oh, is there? 422 00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:16,200 Why would you do that? Why have you put salt in everything? 423 00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:20,680 My father's just died and you're just putting salt in everything! 424 00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:22,920 Actually, I've got to go. 425 00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:24,400 What about the sofabed? 426 00:20:26,680 --> 00:20:28,920 You have to twist it up a bit. 427 00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:32,120 Just twist it up a bit more. 428 00:20:33,160 --> 00:20:35,040 Lift up the catch. 429 00:20:35,080 --> 00:20:36,560 Push and pull! 430 00:20:37,480 --> 00:20:38,680 Christ! 431 00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:43,760 I think he liked us. 432 00:20:45,360 --> 00:20:48,200 That's it, Jackie. Be careful, be careful! 433 00:20:48,240 --> 00:20:49,720 It's all right, Mum. It was easy. 434 00:20:49,760 --> 00:20:52,520 -Slowly. -Oh, God! 435 00:20:52,560 --> 00:20:54,560 Careful, Jackie, careful. 436 00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:56,000 Oh! 437 00:20:56,040 --> 00:20:58,080 -That's it. -Thank you. 438 00:20:58,120 --> 00:21:00,560 Good girl. Down we come. 439 00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:04,320 There we are. 440 00:21:04,360 --> 00:21:07,160 -Well done, Mum. -You okay, Jackie? 441 00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:10,320 Oh, at last! Thanks, Jim. 442 00:21:10,360 --> 00:21:12,160 -Okay. -Thanks, Jim. 443 00:21:12,200 --> 00:21:13,920 Yeah, thanks, thanks again. 444 00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:17,520 Actually, do you mind if I, you know... 445 00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:20,880 -There. -Thanks. 446 00:21:20,920 --> 00:21:22,600 Right. MasterChef! 447 00:21:22,640 --> 00:21:26,920 Oh, I know. Who'd have thought that that Greek chap would win? 448 00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:28,280 What a final! 449 00:21:29,440 --> 00:21:30,440 [DOOR CLOSES] 450 00:21:32,320 --> 00:21:33,680 [JIM URINATING] 451 00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:37,680 [CRASHING] 452 00:21:42,040 --> 00:21:43,200 Shit on it! 32957

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