Original subtitles

SANTIAGO: Previously on Brooklyn Nine-Nine...

For Captain Holt and Amy's last day,

I've been granted permission to throw

a final non-holiday associated heist.

The heist is actually going to be the perfect goodbye.

What does that mean? That I'm leaving the Nine-Nine.

It's a trip through memorable moments from the last eight years.

PERALTA: Drama, glamor, shocking twists and turns.

The perfect goodbye is so close, I can taste it.

BOYLE: Jake. What's up? You okay?

Are you quitting the Nine-Nine?

What? I found this letter of resignation in your locker.

Charles, I can explain. Don't bother.

Wait, no, wait, Charles, wait a second.

Seems like someone's in the market for a new best friend.

Bill, I swear to God.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Amy, Amy, we've got a problem.

Charles found out I was leaving somehow

and he got so upset that he ran away.

I don't know where he went. He's not answering his phone.

Don't you have a tracker implanted

in his brain or something?

Amy, I would never do that.

It's a serious medical procedure.

Which is why I had a doctor do it

eight years ago when they were operating

on the bullet wounds in Charles' butt.

Smart. Stick it in his butthole.

Oh. I was expecting more judgement from you.

And definitely a different phrasing.

Anyways, I think that the magnet suit

must've fried the tracker,

so we gotta figure out a different way to find him.

What. Don't ask me. He's your best friend.

Yes. He is my best friend.

(SNAPS FINGERS) I know exactly where he is.

Here. Guard this with your life.

I'll be right back.

Sir, I've made a terrible mistake.

I am sorry about your pictures, and your award,

and your computer...

And yelling that I was wearing a wig

and then trying to tear out my actual hair?

No. That was a compliment.

It's so thick and full for a man of your age.

What? Let me handle this.

The truth is, Lieutenant Jeffords acted like

an irresponsible, insane mad man.

What? Yeah. That's what I was thinking.

But looking at this incident from a different angle,

it shows why he'll make a great captain.

He's here before you owning his mistake.

When I started at the Nine-Nine,

I felt I had to be seen as infallible.

But he taught me the importance of being seen as human.

He made me a better leader, and you would be a fool not to make him a captain.

Terry's touched.

Yes. Powerful words. As are these...

Happy heisting, suckers.

BOTH: What?

Oh, you were right. This was a wig.

BOTH: No!

Hey, can I talk to you? I have a question.

Is it "will I ever forgive you for betraying me

"and abandoning me in a car"?

No. I have no questions about that interaction. It was funny

and I'm pleased with how it played out.

This isn't about the heist.

What do you think about, um, me and Pimento as a couple?

Oh, uh... I don't know.

You guys always made me a little uncomfortable.

There weren't a lot of boundaries.

Is this about that time we smashed in your car?

You did? Which car?

All of them. And once in your dad's Miata.

The point is, when Adrian and I broke up, something felt off.

I think it's because I wasn't out yet.

So I couldn't really be myself with anyone.

But, I don't know.

I always thought we would end up together.

And now he's gone away and... Ugh, this is stupid.

It's not stupid.

You gotta tell him how you feel.

He's already at the airport. He doesn't own a phone.

I'll never make it in time. Yes, you will.

(IN HUSKY VOICE) Another surprise reveal.

I mean, we knew you were around.

I watched you enter. No. You were both shocked.

Come on. I'll give you a ride to the airport.

I mean, that's nice, but traffic.

Aw, sweet Rosa, there's no such thing as traffic

when you're driving in an armored truck.

Okay. Let's do this. I already have my keys.

Ooh, yet another surprise reveal.

(SIGHS)

Hey, bud.

How did you know where I was?

Because this is where you had to be.

Because this is where it happened.

Hey. Hey.

Sorry to drag you in on the weekend.

Oh, that's fine. I don't mind spending

a few hours with my best friend.

I shouldn't have said that. It was just too soon.

No. Charles, you're my best friend, too.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Hey, guys. I found another leg.

Oh, how gross.

I forgot we wore those fashion scarves for like a month that year.

I still think they worked. No.

Oh, Jake, I can't believe you're leaving.

I mean, it's not the Nine-Nine without you.

I know. But Rosa is already gone,

and Holt and Amy are moving on, too.

Is that why you're doing this?

To fit in with that crowd?

Charles, I just wanna be there for Mac.

I get that. But this whole thing is just taking me by surprise.

I don't know if I can come in to work and do this job without you.

Are you kidding me?

I mean, maybe the you of nine years ago couldn't handle it.

But you're not that person anymore.

You used to live in your ex-wife's husband's basement

and date 75-year-olds and now,

you got your own house,

and Genevieve and Nikolaj.

Nikolaj. Nikolaj.

Nikolaj. Nikolaj.

Nikolaj. Why don't you just call him Nick?

Nik... All right. Now you're ruining the moment.

Copy that. Look, whether we work together or not,

we're always gonna be best friends and partners.

Right. Life partners. Best friends.

And the only reason I didn't tell you sooner is because

I wanted it to be a surprise...

...that the whole heist is actually a set-up,

so that I can throw the perfect goodbye.

I love that.

The plan was to lure everyone to the Brooklyn Bridge

and give you all gifts. So, here's yours.

Oh. They dummy tubes just unscrew.

Okay.

The most recent issue of Fancy Brudgom magazine?

You know how you always wanted them to do

a Fancy Bedste Venner feature on us?

Yeah. But that's just for the fanciest best friends.

Turn to page 63.

Oh, my God, you didn't.

You did! We're fancy Bedste Venners.

We're Fancy Bedste Venners.

BOTH: We're Fancy Bedste Venners.

Hey, great news. The perfect goodbye is back on.

And we have a new teammate. Really?

What even is "our team" Because I know you gave me a dummy tube.

Ah. And did you find what was inside of it?

Yeah. An egg. And do you know why I gave you an egg?

Because eggs suck and you're still mad about that

one time I beat you at Mario Kart.

It was beginner's luck. Just... Open it.

(GASPS) A necklace with a little binder on it?

It has three tiny tabs.

One for me, one for you, and one for Mac.

Aw!

It really bothers me that they're not alphabetical

but I assume that it's functional

and I can correct them? It is and you can.

Then I love it and I'll treasure it forever.

Now tell me where the real tube is, you bastard.

PERALTA: I'm sorry, Ames, but I can't do that.

You've done your part. Now it's time to sit back

and enjoy the rest of the show.

You're cutting me out?

This is about you wanting fireworks, isn't it?

Oh, Amy. It's is about so much more than that.

It's one million percent just about the fireworks.

Those look very dangerous. No. It'll be fine.

We're not gonna be anywhere near it when it goes off.

You control the whole thing from your phone.

How do you know when it's armed?

The red light starts blinking. Like that one?

(BEEPING)

Uh-oh... Uh... You know what?

This is okay. This is okay.

I can just turn it off using the app.

"Set up your profile first"? Why?

How many times am I gonna use a fireworks app?

It started counting down.

Name, email. Select the squares with stop signs in them?

Okay, Jake, we gotta go. Is the stop light a stop sign?

Charles, is a stop light a stop sign?

I don't know. They both require full stops! Jake, come on.

All right, I'm in. No. "Username already taken"?

Who would want to use "Jake"?

(BEEPING)

(BEEPING RAPIDLY) Oh, no.

(MONITOR BEEPING)

Oh, my God. You're awake.

I can't believe it. You're actually awake.

Hey.

Wait a minute. What's going on?

I gotta get back to the heist.

No. The heist?

Jake, you've been in a coma for seven years.

(TENSE, PULSATING MUSIC PLAYS)

What?

Wait. What do you mean I've been in a coma?

A firework hit you in the head.

It caused a destabilizing brain injury.

Oh, my God.

Is Charles okay? SANTIAGO: Yes.

He survived the explosion.

But, he blamed himself for what happened to you, so he left New York.

He's actually the Sheriff of a small town in Arizona.

The town is so small he also has to be the school principal.

Okay, that's weird.

It's actually very funny and surprisingly heartwarming.

Wait, no. No, no, no. This isn't really happening.

I'm dreaming. And because this is a dream,

I'm in control.

You know who's gonna walk through that door right now?

Bruce Willis.

Jake, you woke up.

No! Teddy?

Amy, why is your ex-boyfriend here?

Oh, you haven't told him yet, babe?

Uh... "Babe"? He called you babe.

What... What's going on? I'm sorry. I know this is a lot.

No. But the last seven years have been really hard.

Raising Mac on my own, never knowing if you would wake up

and Teddy was a great friend to me.

And couple of years ago, we went on a trip.

It's not her fault. We were both seduced by the city of Tampa.

I can't believe this. You replaced me with Teddy?

I can never replace you, Jake.

I just wanted Mac to have a father figure in his life.

I come over and we watch sports.

We're obsessed with college swimming.

Hey, Doc, can you put me back in the coma?

You're agitated. That's normal.

Tell me how you're feeling. Pain?

I mean, just the pain of learning that my wife is married to another man.

Oh, we're not married. I'm just here for Amy physically.

That's worse!

Okay. Let's do some cognitive tests.

How good is your memory from before the accident?

Do you remember the fireworks?

Yeah. I remember everything.

I remember the whole heist,

going to find Charles, the magnet suits.

Do you remember where you hid the tube?

Yeah. Inside the fake baby.

Thanks, babe.

(GASPS SOFTLY)

Oh, no. It's not the future, is it?

No. It's only been about 40 minutes.

And this isn't a real hospital.

(DEVICE BEEPS)

You Mission Impossible'd me.

Oh. I'm so happy you're not having sex with Teddy.

(WHEEZING LAUGHTER)

Damn it, we're locked in. Who are you working with, you coward?

I didn't do anything.

I bet this was all Santiago's plan.

She's making a play for the tube.

She knew you hid it at doggie day care.

How do you know her plan? Since I wasn't part of the heist,

people were sloppy around me with their secrets.

I know everything.

For instance, I know the real tube was inside that creepy fake baby doll.

Why didn't you tell me this earlier?

I was trying to be respectful of the heisting process,

but that was before I got screwed over.

Well, your intel is of no use,

since we're locked in here.

Unless you smash your gigantic body through the wall.

I am not the Kool-Aid Man. Okay.

I am more than my muscles, and I can prove it.

All the locks in this building have a magnetic release

in case of a fire.

If we could overload the circuit, they'll unlock.

We just need to connect the positive terminal of one outlet...

(GRUNTS)...to the negative of the other using this circuit board

and a low resistance wire.

Luckily, I came prepared.

HOLT: Do suspenders conduct electricity?

Oh, the gold thread.

Now, we are about to overload the circuit.

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) (DOOR UNLOCKS)

Bingpot.

When did you have time to build all this?

Oh, I had it prefabbed months ago and I set it up

while you were looking for Charles.

You planted the resignation letter in my locker, so Charles would find it.

Yup. And I knew you'd want to show off the fireworks.

The fireworks that I sold you.

You're Kristaps?

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(GROANS) I gotta stop falling for that.

But wait, if everything was fake, what knocked me out?

(BEEPING RAPIDLY) Oh, no.

What are you doing? SANTIAGO: I know, Charles.

But there's something I have to tell you.

I locked Charles in a supply closet.

I have but two things to say to you.

One, thank you. I've always wanted to be chloroformed.

And two, how dare you?

Sorry, babe, but I play to win.

That was super cool.

I hate how attracted I am to you right now.

It worked so well. On to phase two.

Thanks for doing that, Teddy.

I am really glad that we could be friends again.

Of course. I'll always be here for you.

Which is why I have a question to ask.

Oh, no. Amy Santiago, will you...

No! I am married to Jake.

And I am married to Elizabeth. It's perfect.

Plus, you just betrayed him. You guys are obviously having issues.

No! I only betrayed him to pull off my secret plan.

I am throwing him the perfect goodbye.

And it has to be a surprise.

Fine. But if you think I'm just gonna sit around

and wait for you to change your mind...

You're right. I will be parked outside for two more hours.

Hello. Hello! Is there anyone here?

Melipnos. No.

Yeah. You played violin at my wedding. You're Melipnos.

No. My name is Jerry. Jerry Barfralatistan.

What? It doesn't matter. I need your help.

Can you please hand me the keys that are down there?

Yeah, yeah. Yes.

Thank you. I love keys.

Oh. And this is for you.

(CHIRPING)

What?

As they say in my country. A chicky for a key.

Right. And what country is that again?

Honolulu. Okay.

You know, if it's all the same, I'd really just rather have the key.

You no want chicky? I don't want key.

Oh, perfect. Yes.

Thank you, Melipnos. No. It's Jerry.

Barkakanatsan.

I feel like maybe you said it a little different the first time.

There you are. My cheating wife. Give me the tube.

I don't have it. The baby is empty. You lied to me.

I'm not the liar. You're the liar.

I've put a tracker in the tube, so I know you've hidden it

somewhere in this...

Nope, you're telling the truth.

It's on the move. Someone else has it.

It doesn't matter what you do, Ames,

you're not gonna ruin this for me.

Sorry Jake, but I'm afraid I have to.

You'll thank me later.

Wait. What does that mean? I know what it means.

(GASPS)

I heard you talking to Teddy outside the supply closet

you locked me in.

Damn it! How did you get out?

(GASPS) Melipnos.

Amy is throwing you the perfect goodbye.

Over my dead butt crack she is.

Although thank you. That was a very nice thought.

Now drive! (ENGINE STARTS)

Go! Go! Go!

They're going for the tube. Follow them.

What are you doing, Scully?

Everybody left the precinct and I was scared to be alone.

PERALTA: Come on.

Pull over. We're here.

Okay. According to the tracker, it's close.

Let's just agree that we're gonna pick it up

and head to the Brooklyn Bridge.

Yeah, I agree. That you can suck it.

We will end up at Shaw's.

Which is actually a meaningful final location.

(HORN HONKS)

Are we too late? Did you get the tube? PERALTA: No.

It's somewhere in this building.

Brooklyn Storage Solutions.

SANTIAGO: Wait a second. I know this place.

Yes. This is where we worked our first case with Captain Holt.

That's right. It's a meaningful location.

Tonight is my victory lap.

I planned the perfect goodbye.

You have got to be kidding me.

You see, the whole heist was a ruse

for the perfect goodbye I planned.

I mean, it wasn't that perfect.

A real perfect goodbye would've had...

Sentimental gifts for everyone.

Damn it! Just tell us how you did it.

Everything hinged on Jeffords.

I needed him to drop out of the heist

so he'd have access to everyone's secrets.

Which is why I set up a fake interview for him.

JEFFORDS: You were working with Williams?

But he locked us in his office.

Which was critical to me gaining your trust,

so you'd tell me where the tube was hidden.

Terry's reeling.

Armed with that information,

I texted Kevin,

who retrieved the tube and handed it off

to a person who lured you all here.

And that person was a dog,

and that dog was... Cheddar.

JEFFORDS: Hold up. That big speech

about how I'd make a great captain. That was all a lie?

No, no. I meant every word of it.

In fact, it's exactly what I said

to the real Williams two weeks ago.

It's part of the reason he decided to make you...

...the new captain of the Nine-Nine. JEFFORDS: Wait. What?

Is this fake, too?

Y'all need to cut the (BLEEP) and be honest with me.

This is my life we're talking about.

You want to know if it's real? Open your gift.

And find out.

A bag of fish?

What? No. It's supposed to be your captain's bars.

The fish are my present to Scully.

They're the kind that eat the dead skin off your feet.

Ooh. They're gonna have a feast tonight.

HOLT: But wait, that's not Terry's bars.

What's in the real tube?

Wireless headphones?

They're AirPods. They're my gift for everyone.

What? But you told me not to get people AirPods.

You said everyone already has headphones.

Yeah, so you wouldn't buy them,

and I would get all the glory.

Wow. Great gift, Amy.

Come on! HOLT: But if I don't have the winning tube,

who does?

I do.

Yet another surprise reveal again.

So our plan was simple. The best way to win is to sit back,

watch everyone else, and then choose your moment.

But to do that, I needed people to think I was gone.

GINA: That's a trick she learned from me...

(LISPING)...during the fourth heist,

universally considered the best heist.

You were so eager to think I'd drop everything and chase after Adrian.

So you don't want to end up with Pimento?

No. But you believed it. Because you all think

for someone to be happy, their story has to end with marriage and kids.

I mean, I believed it, because you told me, and I trust you.

Whatever, breeder. Anyway, with nobody watching me,

I was able to figure out what Holt was up to.

And then I had my other partner intercept Cheddar.

Who's that? It's me.

PERALTA: Bill.

(LISPING) Surprise reveal.

So let's crown me. The grand champion of the Nine-Nine.

A six month subscription to the Rosetta Stone?

That's my present for Peralta.

Your present to me is school? I'm glad you're leaving.

All right. Who has the real tube?

I do.

BOYLE: What are you doing, Bill?

BILL: I'm sorry, but this is your fault for ending the heist.

They're my only source of income.

You're still my best friends. Goodbye.

Bill! BOYLE: He's gone.

We're trapped. WOMAN: Pardon me,

Excuse me. Did you say we're trapped?

DIAZ: Who the hell are you?

You don't recognize Caroline Saint-Jacques Renard?

The associate principle cellist

for the Berlin Philharmonic?

She's my surprise celebrity.

Are you kidding me? You ruined my big goodbye

to the Nine-Nine so we could listen to some nerd

play a giant violin?

Oh, shall I begin? No.

Wait, wait, wait. Did you say your goodbye to the Nine-Nine?

Where are you going?

Uh...

Well... (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

I was hoping that this would be a more dramatic moment,

accompanied by fireworks, but... (EXHALES) I'm leaving the NYPD.

You are? DIAZ: What?

(LISPING) Seriously?

For real? Yeah. Today was my last day.

And now, it looks like

it's going to end with all of us locked in a storage facility.

No, it's not.

Can't you see? You all want the same thing.

A perfect goodbye.

But you're all getting in each other's way.

We are the Nine-Nine. And we work best together.

And we're getting out of here together.

So we're going to find that tube, and we're gonna

be crowned grand champions

of the Nine-Nine, together.

Except for the ugly one that made fun of my cello.

Not now, Caroline Saint-Jacques Renard.

I agree with Jeffords. Read the room,

Caroline Saint-Jacques Renard.

Great speech Terry, but we're kind of trapped in here.

Not for long.

I'm going to Kool Aid Man us the hell out of here.

I thought you said that was impossible.

It's not. I just find it demeaning.

It's actually very easy.

Oh!

Oh, yeah!

Oh, yes! Now go through that wall.

I'm not doing any more walls, Jake. We're free.

Fair enough. I had to ask.

All right, I got Bill on the GPS.

Huh. That's weird.

What? Where'd he go?

HOLT: Are you sure he came back to the precinct?

The tracker must be broken. There's no one here.

HITCHCOCK: Wrong, Captain.

I'm here.

Michael Hitchcock, the grand champion of the Nine-Nine.

Hitchcock?

Well.

This doesn't feel right.

I bet you're all wondering how I pulled it off.

Not really, but I guess that's a tradition.

The key to the whole plan was that I never really retired or moved to Brazil.

I've been living in the Beaver Trap this whole time.

Okay, but what was the rest of the plan?

Oh, we had not come up with it.

But then Bill came by and offered to sell me

the tube for 40 bucks. And I won.

Pretty good stuff.

Now, crown me.

(GRUNTS IN DISGUST) This stinks.

Okay. Michael Hitchcock,

you are an amazing human/genius,

and the grand champion of the Nine-Nine.

Why is your head so sweaty?

Oh, because that's actually butt skin

from a botched hair transplant, so there are more pores.

PERALTA: I can't believe this is how it ends.

With Hitchcock's sweaty butt head.

I told myself I wouldn't cry.

Ah, Jake. Sorry you didn't get your perfect goodbye.

Yeah.

This whole thing did kind of turn into a scalding hot mess.

But, to be honest, I think I just wanted a big, dramatic moment

so that I wouldn't feel sad.

Because goodbyes are inherently sad.

They mean that something is ending. And this one is especially sad.

Because what we had was so great.

But it's not all sad. Right?

We're moving on to things that we love,

and we'll always have the memories of our times together.

Even though Hitchcock won the heist, which makes me so mad

I want to swallow my own tongue and die.

It's a disgrace.

Anyways, I say we hang out, have a drink and enjoy all of us

being together one last time.

To the squad.

ALL: To the squad.

You just drank cement!

Why?

SANTIAGO: Hey, can I talk to you for a sec?

I just want you to know that I don't care

if you end up with anyone or get married or whatever.

I just want you to be happy.

I am happy. I'm making a difference,

I've got great friends. Also, I'm moving in with my girlfriend, Debra.

She is amazing. She makes me feel whole.

Oh, really? Oh, my God, this is too easy.

No, I don't want to settle down.

Right. I'm sorry. Sorry.

It's fine. I'm just messing with you.

(CHUCKLES)

It's crazy you're leaving. We spent a lot of time here.

Yeah, we did.

I'm really happy it was with you.

Same here.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Hey, Boyle. I'm glad you're sticking around.

I'm going to be depending on you a lot.

You've got it, Captain. For diet and exercise tips.

What? No.

To solve cases. My body's fine.

Nice. It's a very healthy attitude.

Hey, guys. Can I be real?

I just took a bunch of diamonds from the evidence locker.

No one ever changed the code. Anyway, toodaloo.

Was she being real?

I honestly can't tell.

I missed you, bud. I missed you, too.

(SNIFFS) Mmm. You got wing sauce on your collar.

I left it there for you.

(SIGHS)

So, you're leaving.

It must have been a hard decision.

Honestly...

...it wasn't. HOLT: It's funny.

On my first day here, I asked Jeffords to tell me about everyone.

He told me you were a great detective,

but the one thing you couldn't figure out

was how to grow up.

Well, I think you finally figured it out.

Well, thank you, sir.

I couldn't have done it without you.

Over the years, you've sometimes referred

to me as something of a father figure.

Did I? I didn't realize that.

But I want you to know, if I had had a son,

and he had turned out like you...

I would be very proud of him.

Thank you, sir.

Wow. Wasn't expecting to get this emotional. (CHUCKLES)

It's not bad for an old robot, huh?

Beep-borp. Zeep.

(CHUCKLES)

Sir, did you just make a joke?

I believe I did.

Yes, I guess in the end, we've rubbed off on each other quite a bit.

Title of your sex movie.

Did I do that right?

It was perfect.

Guys, I hate to say it, but it's late,

and some of us have to work tomorrow.

(PERALTA SIGHING WISTFULLY)

Well, I guess this is it.

So long, Nine-Nine.

Hey! JEFFORDS: What are you doing?

You can't turn off the lights at a working police precinct.

Right. Sorry. I got caught up in my own thing.

There we go.

(SIGHS)

JEFFORDS: Shaheen and Dunn,

you're on the Prospect Park tagger.

Gates, Nahar, remember to check in with Forensics.

Boyle, Larkin.

I want you working the J Street Axe Murder.

Ooh, we're the butcher bimbos. Nope.

The butcher babes? Nope.

Detective Boyle and his little butcher buddy.

Oh, I like that. JEFFORDS: Now that that's been sorted,

are there any questions?

PERALTA: Yes! I have a question...

...Captain Jeffords.

Are you ready for the Halloween heist?

JEFFORDS: What are you doing, Peralta?

Last year was the final heist.

We all agreed it was over.

Oh, Terry, you jolly simpleton.

That was obviously a ruse.

I mean, did you really think I was going to let

Hitchcock win the last heist?

That would be crazy.

Hitchcock? It would've been unforgivable.

That's true. It felt wrong.

I know someone who's in. The old janitor, which is actually me,

Deputy Commissioner Raymond Holt.

And he's not the only one. I'm in, too.

Me too.

As am I.

Gina Linetti.

That's right, Terry. This is happening every year.

We're in each other's lives forever, whether you like it or not.

So what do you say, Captain?

Are we doing this?

JEFFORDS: What I say is...

Nine-Nine!

ALL: Nine-Nine!