Original subtitles

(JEFFORDS' RECORDED VOICE) Terry loves waking up.

Terry loves waking up. Terry...

Good morning, honey. Time to... (SCREAMS) What the hell are you doing?

It's Holt and Amy's last day,

so we're having a final heist! It's heist day!

Couldn't you have just sent an email?

Nope, this was the only way.

I have to go alert the others.

See you soon.

It's heist day, Rosa! (SCREAMS)

Oops, sorry about your milk. Gotta go!

Niko, it's time for school. It's heist day, Charles!

Where's Nikolaj? He's crying in the closet. Gotta go.

Babe, what are you doing?

I was hiding so I could surprise you.

But if you're here, then who's in our shower?

It's me, Captain Holt. It's heist day, Jake.

(ALL EXCLAIMING) Oh!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

For Captain Holt and Amy's last day,

I've been granted permission to throw

a final non-holiday associated heist.

HOLT: But before we begin, I'd like to say a few words.

These last eight years have been some

of the best of my life.

I will always cherish our time together.

But not as much as I will cherish

drowning you all in your own blood.

What? It's the final heist,

and I will chop off your limbs and feed them to your young.

Now quit stalling and introduce it.

That's the spirit! Now since there have never been

an official two-time heist winner...

I won three times. (ALL SHOUTING)

One, at best!

Anyhoo, the point is, all past heists

will be forgotten

and the only real winner that matters is this year's

as they shall be crowned the Grand Champion

of the Nine-Nine.

I wish I could join you all, but I want everyone to know

I am not playing.

Here we go again. BOYLE: Oh, Terry.

It's true. I have my interview to be the captain

of the Nine-Nine this afternoon.

DIAZ: We've all seen this movie before.

You pretend not to play and then at some key moment

you come Kool-Aid Manning through a brick wall and win the whole thing.

I can't run through walls. I am a normal human person.

You do have the Kool-Aid Man's

exact physique and personality.

But he's not lying, Terry will not be heisting.

I had him get a notarized letter

that says he legally cannot win.

You cheated on me with another notary?

Amy, you're making it sound more intimate than it was.

He just embossed something.

"Just embossed"?

What else are you gonna tell me?

Did you just put your thumbprint in his log book?

Both of them. Oh, my God!

You know what? We'll talk about this later.

Moving on. The six of us will vie for the crown.

You mean seven. You forgot about me.

PERALTA: You're not a part of this, Hitchcock.

You're in Brazil.

Or am I? Come and find out.

Stop trying to trick us into visiting you in South America.

HITCHCOCK: I'm kind of the biggest ball in the sack here.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure the locals wouldn't agree with that.

Okay! We're gonna start off in teams.

I'm sure everyone could use the extra help

since this year's heist was so spur of the moment

and no one had time to plan anything too complicated.

This year's plan is insanely complicated. Check it out.

We will be selecting our partners

with the help of a beloved Nine-Nine fixture,

the big bag of loose teeth.

What the hell? Are those human?

PERALTA: It's evidence from a century of bar brawls.

The story of New York is in this bag.

The story of New York is gross.

Yeah, Terry, we live in a hell-mouth.

Now, in this bag is a tooth with each of your initials on it.

Who wants to root around inside and pick a partner?

I'm not putting my hand in a bag of dirty old teeth.

It's not dirt, it's old blood and dried phlegm.

Who's in? No one?

Are you really all that squeamish?

Of course they're all that squeamish. It's part of my plan.

I'll volunteer to reach into the bag,

so I can rig the selection process using...

...this magnet.

Pretty dope, right?

I've also added metal fillings to certain teeth

to ensure we get the pairings that we want.

Holt will be playing with Norm Scully.

His name is Norm? My name is Norm?

We don't have to break into teams this year.

You're lucky. Hitchcock's with me,

so you're actually getting two partners.

Three if you include my donkey friend.

Say hello to the team, Donkey Scully.

He named him after me!

All right. Rosa Diaz, your partner will be the lovely Amy Santiago.

HOLT: Diaz, you wanna trade?

Hitchcock, Scully, and the donkey, three for one?

I'll even throw in Cheddar. Why? So he can spy on me?

Oh, please. Cheddar's not a spy.

(SOFTLY) Abort, she's onto us. So Cheddar has an earpiece?

Wait, if Terry's out, that means...

Oh, yeah. It's you and me, buddy.

But I don't get it. Why don't you want us to be on the same team?

Because, Amy, no one can know that we're working together.

Smart. And Charles will never be suspicious

because he'll be so excited to be your teammate.

Yeah, that sweet little dumb-ass.

For the final heist, we will all be competing for this.

Is that my medal of valor from the very first heist?

It is modeled after it, yes, but this is far more meaningful.

I got mine for saving the life of Maya Angelou.

Boring! This one says Grand Champion on it

and it's made out of golt.

A non-gold alloy that should not be handled by women

who are pregnant or nursing.

Yours is garbage.

And this golden vessel is from the precinct's old pneumatic tube system.

It's been outfitted with a time-release lock set for midnight.

Whoever has the medal at that time will be the winner.

(WHOOSHES)

Now, let the Last Day Heist begin.

It's an amazing plan, babe. Thank you very much.

And everyone's gonna be so shocked

when they find out the big surprise,

that I'm leaving the Nine-Nine.

What did you just say?

Yeah.

What do you mean you're leaving?

I mean, that's what I want to do.

But only if you agree.

I don't understand.

Well, for weeks we've been trying to figure out

how you can do your new job

and still have us be there for Mac as much as we want.

And I really think this is it.

Yeah, but we have other options. Yeah.

But I think this is the best one.

Look, you know I was scared about having kids

'cause I didn't want to be like my dad.

But if I do this, I have a chance to be the exact opposite.

And I don't want Mac to ever feel the way I felt growing up.

And I get that, I really do.

But you love being a detective.

(CHUCKLES) I know.

It's all I ever wanted to be.

Until now.

Now, all I care about is what's best for our family.

And Ames, this is it.

I mean, you've earned this incredible opportunity.

You can't do it halfway, it's too important. (SIGHS)

And Mac's my little buddy.

I want to be at home with him.

(SIGHS)

Are you sure?

Because we could figure something else out.

You know I would do anything for you.

I would do anything for you, too.

Will you run that half-marathon?

I'm never running the half-marathon, Amy. You gotta stop asking.

You really think you'll be happy?

I don't want you to give up your dream job just for me.

I have a new dream job now.

Trust me, I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it.

I love you. I love you, too.

So, we're good?

Yeah. We're good.

Oh, thank God, I spent so much money on this plan.

How much money, Jake? I mean, not an insane amount.

Mac definitely has to go to state college now,

but the important thing is we're on the same page.

(SIGHS) No. Let me tell you about the plan.

So the heist is actually going to be the perfect goodbye.

What does that mean? Drama, glamor, shocking twists and turns.

And the whole heist ends up with everyone at the Brooklyn Bridge.

Is that meaningful? Have we ever been there together as a squad?

Uh, yeah.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

I'm not sure why we all looked so intense, we were just getting falafel.

I mean, that falafel stand is really good.

True that. Yeah.

Anyways, once everyone arrives,

there's gonna be a huge fireworks display.

Uh-uh, no.

Remember when you almost blew off your thumb

with that M-80? No fireworks.

Okay, fine! But luckily I have a surprise guest lined up.

I reached out to Bruce Willis' people

and they said that he would,

"Not engage with something like that."

So, I think it's gonna work out.

Okay, but why are we on different teams?

Because in order for this to work,

we absolutely have to win the first leg of the heist.

It doubles our chances. Got it.

So basically, we just have to keep Holt from getting that tube.

Yes, indeed.

I just realized we haven't been alone without Mac for like three months.

Desk? Yep. Let's do it.

Enough talk. I'm getting that tube. Where'd it go?

That tube has been whisked off to a secret location

which only I know.

And since I'm not competing, I've agreed to help out.

I designed the first part of the heist to be a scavenger hunt

through memorable moments from the last eight years.

It's a trip down memory lane.

Not a problem. I have the memory of a... The...

...thing with the big nose and ears.

Prince Charles. No.

I hid five clues, each leading to the next.

And the last one gets you the tube.

The first clue is under your chairs.

"Our fallen colleague missing still..."

"His replacement fits the bill..."

I can think of one colleague who literally fell.

We all watched it happen and then we ate his sweet candy insides.

The vending machine!

Is one theory, probably incorrect.

Damn it, Charles. Silent epiphany!

The new machine... It's beautiful!

"His replacement fits the bill."

SANTIAGO: The slots aren't labeled.

How do we know what to press?

Well, a vending machine code is usually a letter

followed by a double-digit number.

Jeffords is being sentimental.

(SCREAMS)

Holy (BLEEP)

Got it. For the record, it was gonna be B-99.

Nobody cares. My thing was better.

"When a fellow needs a friend,

"it's what's on the inside that counts."

"Fellow needs," like felonies.

"On the inside," like jail.

Your cannibal friend. Charles, I highly doubt that.

It's definitely that. Go!

For the record, I'm not a cannibal anymore.

My new passion is needlepoint embroidery.

Look at these.

Two parrots in love. (CHUCKLES)

A turtle with a monocle and a top hat.

(CALEB LAUGHING) Wow, it's so intricate.

How do you...

(SCREAMS) No, no, no!

Okay, you got me. I was gonna eat you.

That's still my thing. It's even affected my needlepoint.

Look that this. Liver.

A heart.

Butt.

An arm. Mmm.

Oh, and there's this one that your delicious-looking lieutenant asked me to do.

The third clue. "Where the devil lies, you'll find your prize."

Well... (CHUCKLES) I know where the devil lies.

HOLT: Wuntch's grave.

Wow. Did Terry put up a balloon arch just for the heist?

No, that was me. I come every week to install a fresh one.

But enough chit-chat. Let's dig her up.

I don't think we wanna do that.

HOLT: Why, are you scared of what she'd look like?

She's just a corpse with worms for eyes,

no different than when she was alive.

Found it. Here.

"Don't tell me where the next clue is hidden, tell me why."

"Tell me why." From that time Jake made the perp sing that song.

Wait a minute, you guys know about that?

Were any of you actually there?

You've told us the story many times.

And tried to recreate the moment on several occasions.

(SINGING) Working at the car wash

No, number two and five, you're off key.

Number three, you're coming in way too early.

I mean, what are we even doing here, guys?

So which one do you think killed your family?

Yeah, I got to stop trying to recapture the magic of the original and move on.

Anyways, back to the eighth annual heist.

Oh, no! Janitor Dan is erasing the clue!

ALL: (SHOUTING) No!

You're welcome.

Damn it. I love that guy, he's so nice.

Ruined the whole heist and we can't even be mad at him.

Yeah. We gotta call Terry. BOYLE: Already on it.

It's going straight to voicemail. No problem.

I actually installed malware on his phone

in case he started heisting.

I have access to his microphone and speaker.

So, Lieutenant Jeffords, can you handle

the increased responsibility

of being a captain?

I'm glad you asked. I'm very responsible.

PERALTA: Terry! Terry!

Terry, it's Jake and the squad calling from your butt.

Terry, Terry, Terry!

I'm sorry. What's happening? I didn't hear anything.

PERALTA: Terry, answer your butt.

Answer your butt. Answer your butt.

Don't ignore your butt, Terry.

Terry, come on, it'll just take a second. We just need the final clue.

(WHISPERING) A perfect world, a time of bliss,

a loving and inspiring kiss.

We can't hear you. Please speak directly into your butt.

A perfect world, a time of bliss,

a loving and inspiring kiss.

Wonderful! Thank you, Terry, that is all.

"A loving and inspiring kiss."

That's gotta be Jake and Amy.

And we know it's not the last couple years

because they've basically stopped kissing in front of us.

All right. Wait a minute!

A Perfect World is a movie with Kevin Costner,

or should I say Kevin Cozner.

It's a kiss between Holt and Kevin.

The one that brought them back together. Out front in the rain!

BOYLE: Ooh!

Well, looks like it's gonna be

a sprint out of the elevator.

This is unfortunate.

I didn't want to have to reveal it this early. Reveal what this early?

My most precious secret. (ELEVATOR DINGS)

My tattoo.

(GASPS) What am I looking at?

Is that what I think it is?

PERALTA: Kevin's human head on Cheddar's dog body?

I asked for a tattoo of Kevin and Cheddar.

I don't know why he combined them.

It's... It's...

It's the ultimate distraction.

No, no. Wait, wait!

Sorry, but you're too late.

The tube is mine. Wait, it's empty.

Where did it go? WOMAN: You looking for this?

Surprise reveal.

ALL: Gina! (LAUGHS WICKEDLY)

Well, well, well. You thought you could have a final heist without me?

I texted you about it like 50 times.

Yeah, but, Jake, I'm important now.

So if you want to reach me, you should call into "Watch What Happens Live."

Andy Cohen always knows where I am, okay?

Anyhoo, I'm gonna keep this safe

by driving it around in this hot little mama.

You rented an armored truck? No. I bought it.

It felt like it was great for the heist

and it's also just such a wonderful way

to flex on you guys how rich I am now.

I'm all about Salmons.

Salmon. You don't know about the $10,000 bill

that has a picture of Salmon P. Chase on it? He's like...

It's sad you are unaware of that.

Oh, my gosh, this is embarrassing for all you broke bums.

Okay.

You're gonna regret the day you fired me.

You left of your own volition!

We each spent meaningful time with you!

(SHOUTING) We were incredibly supportive!

Thank you for considering me.

Again, I'm sorry about that interruption.

I know the heist seems crazy. No, no, no.

In a difficult job, it's vital to give people

a chance to blow off some steam.

That's just good leadership.

Wow! I was sure you'd be angry.

I figured this interview was over.

What? There's a price tag on this chair.

Oh, well, I must have forgotten to take it off.

It's a recent purchase.

You should know, Jeffords, I want to keep you here.

You want to keep me here? Yes.

At the NYPD. Hmm.

Wait a minute. There's no light bulb in this lamp.

This computer isn't even plugged in.

And there is no light coming from this window.

Son of a bitch! This is a fake office.

It's all part of the heist!

SANTIAGO: Oh, Jake, what do we do now?

Obviously, our plans have changed a little,

but the perfect goodbye is still in our sights.

Our objective is the same.

Get that tube from Gina before Holt does.

How do we break into an armored truck?

What are you two doing? SANTIAGO: Oh, sorry.

Mac's done with daycare so we had the babysitter bring him by

so we could say hi.

'Cause we're gonna be home late tonight, so...

Yeah. Just trying to strike that heist-life balance.

Isn't that right, little Mac-a-docious?

Isn't that right, Mac-a-roonie? Yeah.

Ugh. When you're done, come find me.

We gotta talk strategy. SANTIAGO: Got it.

I can't believe she fell for it.

So, I don't understand, you guys are paying me to babysit a fake baby?

Yeah, we're just hoping people think it's real. Oh, cool.

You think it's working? I do not.

Okay, so this truck is a fortress on wheels

and we are not getting in there without an intricate plan.

I was just gonna jump on it as it drives by.

Yeah. Okay. Dope.

Here she comes. DIAZ: Copy.

That was crazy! Now how are you gonna get in?

Right, every woman should own an axe.

(BRAKES SCREECH)

What the hell just happened?

So, here's the plan.

I latch on to the bottom of the truck

and unbolt the emergency exit hatch while it's still moving.

Oh, but that's impossible. Unless you finally did it?

I did. I bought us magnet suits!

Oh! Check it out.

(VIBRATING THUD) (GRUNTS)

No! A-ha! (GRUNTS)

So sweet. I got it off Ukrainian Etsy.

They sell arts and crafts and tactical gear. It's a weird site.

So we stick to the bottom of the truck. It's brilliant.

But how do we get on? Through a manhole outside the precinct.

We just have to get Gina to stop right on top of it.

She might stop for a pedestrian.

If we could figure out someone who is willing to step in front of a moving truck.

Lucky for us, we know someone

who will do anything for money.

Hey, guys. Hey, Bill. Rough year?

Yeah, the pandemic was really hard on my industry.

Which is? Nursing home seductions.

Oh, my God. Well, like I say every heist,

that's enough, Bill.

(BRAKES SCREECH)

DIAZ: Damn it, Gina.

She drove off. Are you okay? PERALTA: I'm good.

I just gotta start getting these bolts off.

Stupid Rosa.

Thinks she can jump on my truck like Salt from the movie Salt.

(CELL PHONE CHIMING) (BRAKES SCREECH)

What the hell?

We're stopping. Why are we stopping?

Time to talk strategy. Let's be honest, we're not young men.

Speak for yourself. My doctor said I'm in my twilight years.

That means you're close to death.

But it has such a pretty name.

We're not gonna force our way into an armored vehicle.

We'll need to use our brains.

In the end, Gina will just hand me the keys to that truck.

You. Unusual activity on your socials?

You hacked me.

I gave control of your entire social media portfolio

to Hitchcock and Scully.

You told them to embarrass me?

Worse, I told them to just be themselves.

My God, I've agreed to host an Instagram Live for Outback Steakhouse!

They're inside the precinct, if you want to go stop them.

You're a monster.

Hey there, Ray-Ray. Nice outfit, Peralta. It's very attractive.

I'm making a pun. I know that's a magnet suit

because I sold it to you.

You're Kazimir?

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(IN ENGLISH) And unfortunately for you,

I have a remote that can activate your vest

and prevent you from controlling it.

PERALTA: No, no, no. (VIBRATING THUD)

(HOLT SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

You stick around, okay?

"Stick around" was another magnet pun.

Yeah, I get it was a pun!

Jake, there you are. No, no, no. Don't come in here.

Yeah, the magnet suits have a couple of drawbacks.

They look cool, though. They look so cool.

Probably still worth it.

I lost the tube.

Can't even stand on top of a fast-moving truck

that suddenly slams on its brakes.

What's wrong with you, Rosa? It's okay.

Here, check this out. I've been spying on Holt for over a month.

He brought a drone which he's using to take the tube

to the Bark Hyatt Doggy Daycare,

where it will be retrieved by none other than Cheddar the dog,

who will take it to a secret hiding place.

We could grab it, but the Bark Hyatt play area

has live feed webcams.

Holt will see if someone goes for the tube.

Not if that someone is a dog.

I'm not dressing up like a dog. I'll do it.

(BOTH EXCLAIM) Oh, my God!

I was eavesdropping and when the dog thing came up,

I said, "Bill, this is your moment."

That's okay, Bill. I already have someone on in the inside.

Meet Biscuit, the dog I adopted for the heist.

Don't you have horrible allergies?

Or was that just a long con I perpetrated to win this heist?

I don't think so. You're right. I'm covered in hives.

Anyway, Biscuit is also enrolled at the Bark Hyatt

where he's been trained to steal the tube

right from under Cheddar's wet little nose.

Then we visit Biscuit and get the tube.

Nice work. I almost feel bad

that I have to betray you.

What? Then don't!

You made me meet with a fake person

just so you could trick me into sitting out the heist?

That interview was important!

It's my shot to become captain!

I bought fancy new suspenders for this, with gold thread!

I can't return them because I've already stretched

them out with my pecs.

They've been pec-stretched!

Slow down. Edward Williams is not a fake.

Then why was he in a fake office?

Oh, Terry, he just relocated

to make room for the new reform unit on the sixth floor.

It's a temporary space. Ooh!

Lieutenant, what did you do?

I may've gotten a little...

...heisty.

I'm supposed to believe this is your family

and not the picture that came with the frame?

Oh, and this is a real award?

Kapow!

We have to go fix this. Your career is more important than a game.

Scully, you're in charge of the heist until I get back.

Keep an eye on that tube.

Yes! Hitchcock, this is our chance to show

everyone what we're made of...

Oh, it's you. Donkey Scully, go find Hitchcock.

The hell? I'm stuck.

Yeah, I rigged it. That's what you get for being

a nerd who wears seatbelts.

Cool people die gruesome, preventable deaths.

Oh, here's my ride. (ENGINE REVS)

Pimento's here. Hi, Pimento.

Amy, it has been too long. When are you gonna let me meet my godson?

He's not your godson. Okay. But when you die, I am gonna raise him.

All right, let's go.

Yeah. I gotta drop you off and then I have a plane to catch.

What, where are you going? Ugh.

I took this job protecting a diamond mine in Northern Canada

that's being terrorized by a pack of wolves?

Apparently it's "illegal to shoot them",

so I have to tear them apart limb from limb.

DIAZ: How long you're going for?

As long as it takes me to find the alpha,

kill it, take control of the pack,

and then completely decimate the diamond mine.

(LAUGHS) Total double cross.

All right. Let's ride.

BOTH: Bye, Amy. No, wait!

Rosa, no, no, you can't leave me here!

This wasn't part of the plan!

Or was this exactly the plan?

It's all part of the perfect goodbye.

Everyone should think they have the winning tube,

but then at midnight when the time locks release,

they'll realize they actually just have a sentimental gift from me.

Look what I got Holt.

It's the first tie I bought after he started making me wear them.

And I'm getting Rosa a travel board game

so she knows that we're gonna keep doing game night

even though the Nine-Nine's breaking apart.

Aw! And I'm also getting everyone AirPods.

Hmm, I'd lose those.

Feels like it cheapens the sentiment.

Plus, everyone already has headphones.

Okay, fine. No AirPods.

So, in order for this to work,

we have to get to the golden tube before Holt does.

And swap it out for the one with the tie inside.

Hey there, Ray-Ray.

Then with Rosa believing that Holt has the real one,

you just need to come up with a fake heist

and then find a way to slip her the dummy tube.

It went perfectly. PERALTA: Same here. Sort of.

We came back to change 'cause we had to ditch

our magnet suits in the armored car.

It was fine for me. Charles went commando for some reason.

Anyway, he's getting dressed now.

We just have to figure out a way to slip him his gift and then we're all set.

The perfect goodbye is so close, I can taste it.

Yum, yum, yum.

(GASPS) Bill, you can't sneak up on people like that.

I gotta go.

BOYLE: Jake.

Hey. What's up? You okay?

Are you quitting the Nine-Nine?

What? (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Why would you...

I found this letter of resignation in your locker.

Were you not gonna tell me?

Does our friendship mean nothing to you?

Charles, I can explain. Don't bother.

Wait, no, wait, Charles, wait a second.

Charles, come back.

Seems like someone's in the market for a new best friend.

Bill, I swear to God.

We look exactly the same.

Uh, okay.