Original subtitles

Hey, everybody. I got your text. What's the big emergency?

We need to talk about Captain Holt's love life.

(SIGHING IN EXASPERATION) Come on.

You miss getting dragged into your co-workers' personal lives. Admit it.

It's true. I have. What's goin' on?

Captain Holt is in pain and we need to help him get back together with Kevin.

SANTIAGO: No, we don't.

Holt is a very private person, we shouldn't get involved.

Okay, you guys probably don't know this,

but my parents got divorced when I was a kid, and it really messed me up.

Yeah, we know. Oh, my God.

What, do I talk about it a lot?

I doesn't matter. The point is we can't let that happen to Daddy Holt and Daddy Kevin.

So, we're just dispensing with subtext now? PERALTA: Yes.

This replaces my family, was that not clear?

Holt is my dad, you're my mean older sister and Amy's my mom.

What? What? What did I say?

You said, "Amy is my mom."

Nobody said anything. We don't have time for this, Amy.

Now, who's gonna help me Parent Trap Holt and Kevin?

Seriously? Nobody's on board with my scheme?

It's because I called it a scheme? I can say something different.

Nobody's on board with my stratagem?

No, Jakey.

Look. Holt just needs us to be there for him,

help him take his mind off of Kevin.

He's always invitin' us to his lake house to go birdwatchin',

but we never do it because it's, you know, birdwatchin'.

But we could finally go. He would love that.

Wow, stabbed in the back by my own mom.

What? Wife! I said wife!

Why do you keep not hearing me?

Whatever, let's just do Terry's plan.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

You know, I thought it over

and I gotta hand it to you guys.

This trip is actually a really great idea.

JEFFORDS: This is surprising.

You're usually a lot more petulant

when we don't go along with your schemes.

Stratagems, and I've grown up a lot, Terry.

Uh...

You do know there's no phone reception at the lake house.

No. (GRUNTS)

How am I gonna catch Pokémon?

Doesn't matter.

It's Community Event weekend, so.

Hey. Hey.

How long is the drive up there?

I wanna time my edibles so it kicks in right when we arrive.

What? Nothing.

It's cool. I'm not gonna tell anybody. I'm not a narc.

All right, you can tell people.

Good because I'm a narc. I'm not a cop anymore.

And I have a prescription for anxiety, so it's legal.

It'll be good when all the drama starts.

Why do you think there's gonna be drama? Oh, no, you're right.

Whenever we go on one of these group trips,

everything's totally normal, there's never any big conflict.

Anyway, I'm just gonna pop one of these right now for no reason.

I'm not lookin'.

Welcome to the lake house.

Where's the lake? I didn't see on the way in.

That's because there's no lake up here.

But you said it was a lake house.

No, we call it the Lake House.

It was once owned by Kirsopp Lake.

The scholar of textual criticism

who wrote Dated Greek Manuscripts to the year 1200.

Yeah, Terry, it's obviously named after Kirsopp Lake.

No one else was confused about that.

Hey, I'm gonna take Mac in and then I'll come back for the stuff.

Okay. Let's see. Yeah.

Pack 'n Play...

Baby monitor, white noise machine, sleep sack...

Whoa, that's a lot of gear.

Yeah, it's our first time away from home with him

and he's such a terrible sleeper.

Well, at least you're doin' the smart thing and asking for my help.

That is not what's happening. Oh, I'm an expert, Amy.

I basically, raised ten nieces and nephews.

I've done it all. Bottled, swaddled and coddled.

Let's just say you're definitely gonna want my nip tips.

Tips that nip a problem in the bud.

Why don't you just say tips?

Just the tips. Interesting.

Oh, come on, man.

Oh, hey, Captain Holt?

You have the WiFi network? I need to FaceTime with Hitchcock.

Oh, there's no internet at the Lake House.

Then I'm alone.

We're all here.

So, you'll do the 64-round tournament

Hitchcock and I designed to determine the best flavor of potato chip?

HOLT: No, that's sounds like hell.

Now, let me give you all a tour.

This is the sitting room.

We considered referring to it as a living room,

but decided against it.

Fascinating.

This is the TV room.

Or it was until we got rid of the TV.

Now it is also a sitting room.

Two sitting rooms?

Now, this... This is why we bought the place.

The master sitting room.

Wow, look at all this seating.

Jake, can I talk to you for a second?

What's goin' on?

There is no way you are this enthusiastic about too many sitting rooms

and lake houses that aren't lake houses.

I'm just tryin' to be there for Captain Holt.

I understand that the weekend is not about me.

No. You're up to somethin'.

I'm up to nothing, Terrence, and frankly, I resent the implication.

Okay, I'm up to something, Terrence. KEVIN: Hello?

I messed with Holt and Kevin's shared calendar.

You know me so well.

PERALTA: Oh, Kevin. What a surprise!

(DOOR CLOSES) Why are you all in my house?

KEVIN: Raymond?

Kevin? What are you doin' here?

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

Ha! My edibles just kicked in.

(LAUGHING)

What did Kevin say? Is everything okay?

No. We just had a knock-down, drag-out fight.

My calendar had the Lake House as free.

Strange. Mine had it as "unoccupied."

Well, it seems we're at an impasse.

I'd call it more of a deadlock.

He gets in such good zingers.

He's tired from driving, so he's staying the night and goin' back in the morning.

Well, that could be good. Maybe you guys can spend time together.

We've agreed to keep our distance

and issue a verbal warning any time one of us is about to enter the room.

Raymond Holt entering the kitchen.

Jake, this is bad.

HOLT: Raymond Holt entering the second sitting room.

Just give it a shot.

They're already separated. It can't get any worse.

It's a really good point. Thank you, Rosa.

She's high as hell.

Also, really good point.

Damn it, Rosa. Charles, what about you?

You're my best friend. You support me in everything I do.

Maybe the fact that I'm not on board

is a sign that it's really a bad idea.

No. You've changed somehow. That's the only explanation.

Guys, come on, I've got a great plan here. No one wants in?

Absolutely not.

Tell me the plan. I want in.

What? You do? Yeah.

Terry loves love.

Then why didn't you back me up in there?

Because Terry also loves hedging.

Terry loves hedging? That's new.

No, it's classic Terry.

I always play both sides to the last possible minute.

Everyone knows that. That's not fair.

Everyone's so hard on me. I want a public show of support for my plan.

Can't do it. I don't know what's so tough for you to understand here.

I love the scheme, I wanna be a part of it.

I think it's gonna fail and I don't want people to think I was a part of it.

Fine. I'll take what I can get. Yes!

Damn it. These blackout curtains don't keep the light out. (GRUNTS)

You screwed me on this, Shannon from Buy Buy Baby!

You know, Amy, Mac's issues with sleeping might not be the light in the room,

it might be the darkness in your heart.

Excuse me?

Sorry, that was mean. I was trying to be poetic.

It's important to be mindful of your energy when you're with an infant.

Trust me, I'm sort of a natural mother.

Huh, yeah, natural mother (BEEP).

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY) (MAC CRYING)

How long have you been there?

Oh, man, I have no idea. (MAC CRYING)

Hey, were you followed? No.

I promise, they have no idea I'm workin' with you.

Terry, have you seen Jake? Uh, no.

Uh, idiot's probably off workin' his dumb plan. He's so stupid.

You know, the only reason Holt and I haven't fired him

is that we're worried that he'll kill himself.

It seems a little excessive. I told you.

I don't wanna be tied to this plan.

I'm out on a ledge for you and Terry hates ledges.

Wait. So, you love hedges, but hate ledges?

You're just makin' this up as you go. No, I'm not.

Name one time you've ever seen me happy out on the ledge.

I can't think of an example on the spot.

Because Terry hates ledges.

Come on, tell me the plan.

Fine. Step one was getting them here together.

Step two, reignite the passion.

PERALTA: You'll handle Captain Holt.

Sir, you have somethin' on your pants.

Hm, I've sat on some sap. Like a sap.

At least you have a sense of humor about it.

Not intentionally, I was upset

and stumbled into accidental word play.

PERALTA: Meanwhile, I will take care of Kevin.

Kevin Cozner entering the kitchen.

Oh, hey, there, Kev.

I was just grabbin' a bite to eat, can I offer you somethin'?

Well, I shouldn't. But today's been a fiasco, so, what the hell.

I'll have a snack of some water.

PERALTA: What Kevin won't know is that he will drinking from a dribble cup.

Oh, dear.

And you said I was crazy to buy stock in Spencer's Gifts.

How does you buyin' one novelty cup

help the company's stock price?

It boosts confidence in the marketplace.

You just don't know anything about business, Terry.

Okay, so we've ruined their outfits.

So, why would that "reignite" the passion?

Because it'll force them to change

into clothes which I will have carefully placed at the top of their suitcases.

Thus changing them both... Into a couple of thirst traps.

Kevin Cozner preparing to descend the master staircase...

Oh, I see you changed into your (SIGHS) mock turtleneck.

And you into your... exercise shorts.

I feel dirty. You feel dirty?

I do and I love it.

Oh, hey, Amy, startin' round three.

You wanna try New Mexico-style chile verde?

Ah, my hands are kind of full here, Scully.

I could toss it to ya.

(MAC FUSSING)

Scully, don't throw chips at my baby!

(MAC FUSSING) Gosh. (GRUNTS)

(MAC CRYING) Shh-Shh.

(SIGHS) I can't believe what I'm about to do.

Charles, I need your help.

I'm not gonna gloat. I'm just happy he's getting the care he needs.

(MAC FUSSING)

Okay, you might wanna be a little less cocky until you actually get him down.

Because, you know, some babies are just fussy and there's nothing that anyone can...

Oh, my God. Is he asleep?

(WHISPERING) So, can I be cocky now?

Step three, a romantic picnic.

The perfect gillnet for our trout to swim into. Huh?

Sorry, I've been watching that survivalist show, Alone,

it's really helped with my metaphors.

You think they'll agree to have a picnic?

They won't even be in the same room together.

It's not like we have an unbaited gillnet, Terry.

What's your plan? Forage for berries?

(CHUCKLES) You wouldn't last two days in the Arctic, man.

What are we doin' now? We're gettin' Kevin and Holt back together.

PERALTA: Now, for Operation Corncrake.

Hey, Kevin, I have a question.

Is the corncrake an important bird?

Yes.

They're among the rarest species in the Northeastern United States.

A veritable holy grail within the birdwatching community.

BOTH: Oh, wow.

I only asked because... I read that one was spotted in the woods near here.

BOTH: Grab your binoculars. We're goin' birding.

Yeah, we are.

We're pretty far North for a corncrake.

Where did you hear of this sighting?

Oh, on the birdwatching app that Captain Holt recommended I download.

You know how he is about birding.

I guess you guys have that in common, huh?

Hardly, Raymond is an adequate birdwatcher at best.

He once confused a pileated woodpecker with a downy woodpecker.

Yeah, pily wooddecker and a pileated jacker.

(BIRD CALLING) HOLT: Huh.

It's nowhere.

Maybe, you could flush out the corncrake by doin' its matting call.

I don't know why a corncrake would make such a call

three months after its rooting season,

but I suppose it can't hurt to try.

(IMITATING MATING CALL)

Hold on. That call.

That's the call a corncrake makes when it wants to root.

I'll respond. (CLEARS THROAT)

(IMITATING MATING CALL)

(IMITATING MATING CALL)

This way.

Oh, and do you need the shades?

No, you don't 'cause you're already asleep.

He forgot the sleep sack.

And Mac doesn't even care.

I can't watch this.

Oh. Oh, no. Oh.

I think I just locked Mac in his room, what do I do?

Oh, sorry, man. I think the second edible just kicked in.

This is a little too much for me.

Also, this is not the vibe I was lookin' for.

No, no. Ro, Ro, I need your help.

No, no, no. Adiós amigo.

(GRUNTS)

(SHAKING DOOR HANDLE)

(IMITATING MATING CALL)

(IMITATING MATING CALL)

Oh, you are not a corncrake.

But you heard the call. Yes, it was... majestic.

Well, look what we caught in our gillnet, a couple of fresh fatty trout.

That'll last us the next five days, more if we get the egg sac.

Jake, the picnic. (BEES BUZZING)

It attracted bees.

(GRUNTS) Oh, God. They're everywhere.

Ah! Get away! Quick, everyone, form a wall around me.

KEVIN: Peralta? I'm sorry, Kevin, it's just I'm very allergic.

If I get stung, I have a terrible reaction.

Kind of like this?

Ugh, oh my...

No, that's much worse. I just get a scratchy throat.

Why didn't you cower behind someone?

All right, we should be good. I think the swarm is gone.

I think I was only stung once, how do I look?

Good. Good. Normal. Very normal.

Stop it. Kevin doesn't like to be lied to.

You're disgusting to look at. Thank you, Raymond.

KEVIN: I have an EpiPen back at the house.

Would you call someone and have them bring it?

There's no reception. I'll just run back.

I haven't done cardio in 20 years. How hard can it be?

It's immediately awful!

Here. While we wait, you can try putting

this chilled bottle of champagne against your eyes. It might help.

Peralta, why is there a romantic picnic

sitting in this remote clearing?

You set this whole thing up, didn't you? Nuh-uh.

You've manipulated us into spending time together. Nuh-uh.

Is that your entire defense, nuh-uh? Uh-huh.

Okay, fine. All right, yes, but only because I care about you.

And, by the way, you should really make

your shared calendar less easy to access.

You got into our calendar?

Yeah, you already knew that. You said I set the whole thing up.

I was talkin' about the picnic, what were you talkin' about?

Nuh-uh.

You tricked us into coming to the Lake House at the same time.

You did a Das doppelte Lottchen.

What? I don't know what that is.

Das doppelte Lottchen!

I'm only half.

It's a German novel about a set of twins

who tried to reunite the estranged parents.

That's The Parent Trap.

I knew my stratagem had classy origins.

Peralta, this is my personal life.

You've crossed a line. I'm leaving. So am I.

Ah, no, wait, Kevin! (THUD)

(CLATTERING)

Are here tools in here?

You see a saw anywhere?

I told you to stay away, Charles. I'm not into your energy.

Amy! Hi!

Hi, Amy. Hi.

Look, I just wanted to say thank you for getting Mac to sleep.

I was being really stubborn, earlier, and I guess... No.

What I'm tryin' to say is...

Can I please have your nip tips?

You don't want my nip tips. Those crusty old things.

Oh, God! I can't be here for this!

Oh, my mouth is so dry. It's all bad. What's all bad?

I can't tell you, Amy. What can't you tell me?

It's too real. I need to leave.

Damn it. I was lookin' for somewhere to be alone.

I'm sorry. I came out here lookin' for a signal to call Hitchcock, but no luck.

I can take my chips and go.

Wait, you have chips?

You could stay. Oh.

So, we got off to a bad start there with the bees

and Kevin rollin' down the hill,

and then, of course, the second swarm of bees. But we're good now, right?

Can you guys hear me?

You keep movin' away from me for some reason.

(GROANS) Wish a bee would sting me in both ears, right now

so they'd seal shut as well.

What was that? I couldn't hear you!

I'll just assume you said keep going.

Anyways, yeah. I just figured if I could get you guys together.

I could create a magical moment.

But of course, we now know that magic doesn't exist. Sh.

It's a corncrake. (SIGHS) Oh, I can't believe it.

I finally spot a corncrake and my eyes are swollen shut.

It's okay, Kevin. I'll describe it to you.

Okay, have you ever seen a duck?

Peralta, I got this. Oh, okay.

The beak color is Pantone 4685C. Hm.

The wing is Pantone 2322C.

Spotted with 4515C. Oh.

The tail is Pantone 7525C with bands of 419C.

(GRUNTS) Oh, my...

Oh, Kevin, the throat, Pantone 7528C.

Oh, Raymond.

Those are some hot Pantones.

Okay, barbeque. Mm-hm.

Sweet Maui onion and the surprising underdog original.

I think I'm ready to crown a chip-ion.

Chip-ion. That's good.

Yeah, I came up with it because I misspoke.

(LAUGHING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

SANTIAGO: (SIGHS) Can I join you?

Mac's never been asleep this long and I don't know what to do with myself.

Charles locked your kid in the room. What?

You made me say it. If I didn't, you would have stayed here

and ruined this good thing I got goin' with Scully and his chips.

SANTIAGO: Wait, Mac is locked in a room?

Oh, my God!

Charles! Amy.

I was just doin' a little handy work, you know, fixin' up the old house.

I know you locked my son in there. I'm sorry.

I tried everything. Maybe he'll be happy growin' up in that room.

Oh, shut up, Charles! I'll get him out. Move.

I'm tellin' you it's impossible. Not for his mother!

(SCREAMS)

(MAC CRYING)

Wow.

Sorry that took me so long.

I cramped up half way and then crawled for a little while.

Maybe I should think about slimming down.

No, it's actually good you didn't make it back.

Oh, thank you for sayin' that.

Look, I can't change my body, it defines me.

No, no. We really saw an corncrake.

Holt had to describe it to Kevin,

now he's leading him by the hand out of the woods. The Parent Trap worked.

I can't wait to tell the squad.

Uh, wait, wait, wait. Let me give Kevin the EpiPen and we can tell them together.

Okay. Whoa, whoa, pump the breaks there, Sonic.

What? Sonic the Hedgehog.

You've been hogging that hedge while I was out on a ledge.

No, you didn't have to deal with anyone saying it was a bad idea,

so you don't get the credit either.

This was 100 percent all me, Dr. Robotnik.

Who? Sonic's archnemesis.

You've never played a video game

or watched a movie, Terry? Get a life, dude.

They were being so sweet with each other

and holding hands, it was amazing.

They're totally back in love.

Peralta, I need to ask you somethin'. Let me guess.

Will I be the best man at a last-minute vow-renewal ceremony

that will serve as an emotional capper to this magical weekend?

No. I need you to move the car.

Kevin has decided to leave immediately.

KEVIN: Kevin Cozner leaving the lake house.

This was 100 percent all Jake.

Oh, Terry.

Amy, will you please pass the mini crab cakes?

Are you sure you can be trusted

with something so small and delicate?

I can tell you're upset, but you should know

that I was locked in a room for 16 days as a child, and I turned out just fine.

No, you didn't. You're a freak.

Oh, okay, I'm stayin' out of this one.

Shocking. I didn't realize you were capable of staying out of anything.

SCULLY: We have an announcement!

We're here to crown the winner of this year's great tournament of chips.

Rosa? The chip-ion is...

Smokey bacon chicken.

She's so high. Yeah.

Sounds pretty good, though.

You guys are duds. Scully and I are gonna bounce.

Oh, sir, that's a dribble cup. You're dripping on yourself.

Am I?

Okay. Look, I'm really sorry.

No need to apologize.

Your Das doppelte Lottchen scheme worked.

You manufactured a perfect romantic moment,

and I allowed myself to imagine, as Kevin held my hand,

that he still felt something for me.

When we came back, I walked him to his room,

and just as I was working up the courage to ask him to stay,

he said, "We shouldn't spend any more time together."

Well, at least now I know that my marriage is over.

So, uh, thank you, Peralta.

Raymond Holt leaving the living room.

Hey, crazy, what a good mood Mac is in.

You mean, given the fact that he was locked in a prison by Charles?

How long did he sleep?

You mean before he was rescued from the prison he was locked in by Charles?

I guess.

Three hours. Whoa. What did Charles do?

You mean, besides... (BOTH) ...locking him in a prison.

Got it. I'll stop asking.

Well, whatever he did, I'm lovin' his mood. Whatever.

I still can't believe my scheme didn't work.

And we saw a corncrake and everything.

I know. What are the odds? Right?

I have to say, I don't see what the big deal is all about.

And this is what they actually look like.

Oh, that's not an attractive bird.

(CHUCKLES) I know. It's like a dumb duck.

And this is what its call sounds like.

(CORNCRAKE SOUND) Oh, that's horrible.

SANTIAGO: It sounds like a taser.

No, it's wonderful. I have to go.

Sir?

What are you doing here, Peralta?

I wanna prove to you that you're wrong to think

that Kevin doesn't have feelings for you anymore.

Okay, what's he doing here?

Ow, uh...

I wanna prove to him that he was wrong for hedging all day,

but that's our own separate thing, so you can ignore it.

Sir, listen. I think Kevin wanted to stay.

The only reason he left is 'cause he didn't know how you felt.

Why would you think that? He's made no effort whatsoever.

Or has he? Did you know that Kevin is better at bird calls than you?

Oh, strange or hurtful non sequitur.

Who made the first corncrake call?

I believe I did. Correct.

Kevin and I heard you and he responded,

but get this, sir, you made the wrong call.

This is what a rooting corncrake sounds like.

(CORNCRAKE SOUND)

The call that you made was for a scarlet warbler, a trash bird.

Okay, so, you made your point.

I'm a trash man who only knows trash birds.

No, that is not my point.

My point is, Kevin knew it wasn't a corncrake, but he went to it anyway.

Because he was goin' to you, not the bird.

He still loves you. Our plan worked.

Our plan? JEFFORDS: Yeah.

Terry is off the hedge and on the ledge.

Oh, that means a lot, comin' from you, Jeffords.

Given how much you hate ledges.

People don't know about Terry hating ledges. This is new!

BOYLE: Hey, Amy.

I, uh, I wanted to give you this.

I made Mac a truffle-squash purée.

I'm not tryin' to show you how to do anything, I'm just tryin' to apologize.

It's okay, Charles.

I actually learned something from you yesterday.

Mac has trouble sleeping because I bother him too much.

When he was locked in that room,

no one could check on him and...

it was the longest nap he's ever taken.

So, thank you for the mousse.

I can't believe you actually took it. Of course, I took it.

You locked my baby in a room, Charles!

You're gonna be cookin' for him until he goes to college, okay?

Okay. Great, thanks.

How's it goin', sir? You look chipper.

Yes, well, I called Kevin and told him I still have feelings for him,

and he said he felt the same.

So, we begin couples counselling next week.

That's great, sir. I'm so glad.

Looks like Captain Holt

caught a fatty trout in his gillnet.

You watched Alone. Every single episode.

Terry has not slept.

Hey, Rosa. You wanna take a couple of days off,

drive to Buffalo see the warehouse

were sweet Maui onion chips are imported to?

Unless you don't wanna hang out

'cause you're not stoned anymore.

Actually, Buffalo sounds kinda cool. Seriously?

That's just not the weed talkin'?

Oh, no, I'm not high at all anymore.

Oh, no, I was so high.

Good news. While you were asleep,

we finally got cell reception.

What's up, cucks?

So, how'd everybody lose their V card? I'll go first.

Amy was right. Drugs are bad.