Original subtitles

Ah, grade school. Really takes me back.

The spelling bees, the book reports.

Pantsing kids in the playground,

blowing up toilets.

Yeah, it was a magical time.

Ok, girls, come on, let's go.

Bye, Daddy.

Oh, my love.

My sweetheart, you have fun today, all right?

No pressure, princess,

but you better get all A's like I did.

Bet you didn't get one in gym.

Her evil's growing stronger, Jim. I can feel it.

Come on, baby, let's go.

Hey, see that sign there?

Father-daughter dance Saturday night.

Are you ready to boog-ay and part-ay

with your daddy?

Could you please not do that?

Oh, okay, we'll save it for Saturday night.

All right, now give your dad a big kiss, because I got to go to work

and earn that money to put you through public school.

No.

Why not?

I just don't want to.

Come on, you always kiss me good-bye.

I got to go.

I did not flunk gym.

Okay? I took an incomplete

because I didn't want to wrestle with the boys.

I don't like man-sweat.

Get in the truck.

JIM: Oh, baby!

Dana, I need you to taste these low-carb brownies I made

and tell me if you think Jim will know the difference.

Um...

Not if you put ice cream on it

and smother it in chocolate sauce.

But deep-fry it first just to make sure.

Hey, honey. How was work?

My work was fine.

It's your work that I'm worried about.

What did you do to Ruby?

What are you talking about?

She's moody, she's surly, and her attitude stinks.

I didn't do anything.

Well, I'm not the bad parent,

because I'm never around here.

She would not kiss me good-bye today at school.

And while we're at it,

Gracie's not a day at the beach, either.

Will you guys just calm down?

I am her daddy. She's supposed to kiss me.

What's going on here?

Jim, there comes a time in every woman's life

when they realize you're creepy.

You know, there comes a time in every woman's life

that they should go home and get their own life.

Look, Jim, I know what Ruby did hurts,

but, you know, you just can't take it personally.

That's easy for you to say. She isn't your daughter.

Yeah, honey, she kind of is.

Look, she's just being a 9-year-old girl.

You know, she's right. I read about this in my parenting books.

It's the classic first step towards independence. It's very healthy.

But is it healthy for a single, childless woman

to have parenting books?

Mom sends them to me, okay?

Just like she sends you those Russian bride catalogs.

Yeah, but I don't use 'em the way she wants me to.

Oh!

You guys know what I mean when I say that?

Look, Jim, if it helps any, it's not just you.

When I take her to the mall, she's embarrassed to be seen with me,

so she walks, like, 20 feet ahead.

All right, that's it. That's the end of this era.

I'm going to go nip it in the butt.

It's bud. It's a gardening reference.

Oh, famous sayings is always my Achilles tendon.

Ok, hey, honey, come on, come on, sit down.

Sit down. I'm telling you, it's perfectly normal.

I did the exact same thing to my father.

Oh, and look where he is. He's dead.

That had nothing to do with me, he was hit by a bus.

Yeah, or did he fling himself in front of a bus because you didn't kiss him good-bye?

Jim.

All right, all right, all right.

Well, what are we supposed to do with Ruby?

Okay, well,

sometimes the best thing to do...is nothing.

Nothing?

Yes, you need to leave it alone.

Ruby's going through a phase.

Oh, I know all about those.

You remember that summer fling I had with Edith Anderson?

Yeah. What's it like getting dumped by a 75-year-old woman?

She didn't dump me. She forgot who I was.

All right, say I take your advice and do nothing.

Well, I'm guessing Ruby will just come around.

If she doesn't kill me first.

Hey, look at it this way.

She'll get hers when she has her own kids.

Sweet.

Yeah, yeah.

All right, I guess I could just take a deep breath

and just not let her get to me, that's all.

Exactly.

Yeah, I mean, come on, I'm the adult here, right?

Yes, you are. You are a great, big adult.

Now would you go upstairs and get Ruby for dinner?

Yeah, sure.

What's this, we're throwing out brownies now?

They're low-carb.

Oh, carry on.

So what are you going to wear to the dance Saturday night?

My dress is pink, so don't wear pink.

Hey, Rube, it's time for dinner.

What? I'm on the phone.

Well, I can see that, honey,

but it's time to hang up now. Come on.

Hold on.

No. I'm telling Ashley something important.

I hear that,

but perhaps you can continue your conversation after we dine.

Can you just go away?

So, anyway, Madison says she has some sparkly nail polish,

so I'm going to trade her my lips gloss...

(CHUCKLING)

Hey!

Good-bye, Ashley.

You can't talk to me like that.

I'm your father. I'm not your Uncle Andy.

Well, you can't just walk in here any time you feel like it.

Since when?

Since I said. This is my room!

Well, this is my house!

And therefore, all the rooms are mine!

And another thing,

tomorrow you're going to kiss me good-bye at school again.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are!

You're not the boss of me!

I certainly am the boss of you!

I put food on the table.

I buy you those Justin Timberwolf albums.

So you're going to listen to me, young lady,

and you're going to start loving me.

(SCOFFS)

(SCOFFS)

I was going to buy you a pony, but not now!

Goldfish for you, young lady!

Ruby, aren't you going to sit in your seat next to Daddy?

No, I want to sit here now, next to Uncle Andy.

If I could bottle this charisma, I'd be a millionaire.

What the hell's this?

I'm not sitting next to Jim!

I did my time in this seat. Now I'm not going back!

Sit.

(HUFFS)

Hey, Ruby, watch it.

Uncle Andy steals food off your plate.

Yeah, and toilet paper from your apartment.

If you're going to spring for the aloe stuff you should lock it up.

Hey, what the hell is this?

What's she doing sitting next to me? Where's Ruby?

Hey, I don't like it any more than you do.

Ruby took my seat.

Oh. Ruby doesn't want to sit next to Daddy, huh?

Well, okay, that's fine.

Could somebody please pass the cheese?

Ruby, it's right next to you.

(GASPS)

Ruby!

That's okay. That's okay. I'm not the boss of her anymore, right, Ruby?

(SCOFFS)

There it is again! (SCOFFS)

What the hell is that? You teach her that?

All righty.

Well, I'm going to go into the kitchen and talk,

and just so I don't look crazy,

you want to join me, Jim?

What? This could be a long one.

(SIGHS)

Jim?

Huh?

When you went upstairs to get Ruby for dinner,

did anything happen?

She started it.

Oh, God, what happened?

Well, I went up there, and she became impossible.

I told her to knock it off, and I ordered her to love me.

Jim! You know that only works with Andy.

Cheryl, we have two different kinds of parenting styles, all right?

I'm a busy man. I work all day.

I don't have time to ride out a phase.

I told you, you need to just leave it alone.

I tried to, but you weren't there.

She called me a dumbass!

She what?

Well, you know, with her eyes.

Look, Jim, I know this isn't going to be easy,

but, really, we just have to ride this out.

Give her some time.

Yeah, time. Time. Right.

That's not going to work for me.

I have a better idea.

Hey, hey, honey, um, just for fun,

you want to run that plan by me real quick?

Cheryl, you're going to have to watch and learn.

She wants to mess with me, I can mess with her.

Okay, but just think about this one thing.

Ruby makes a much better 9-year-old than you do.

We'll see.

Crap!

Is it me, or is this spaghetti not her best effort?

It's better than her brownies.

Well, well, well, Cheryl,

everything looks so delicious.

From here, from where I'm sitting,

it's something else. (CHUCKLES)

Hey, Gracie, why don't you come up here

and sit on Daddy's lap?

Why?

Because I love you.

Come on, sit on my lap.

Hey, Gracie, look at this.

You like the view?

Get used to it,

'cause one day this could all be yours,

when in the future you become head of the family.

But I want to live underwater with all the mermaids.

Yeah. I'd hitch your wagon to that dream.

Jim, honey, what are you doing?

Oh, I'm just loving my daughter.

How about that? How was your day today?

I made a house out of macaroni.

Isn't that funny?

I build houses, and I eat macaroni.

(LAUGHS) Appreciative laughter, music to my ears.

Go ahead, baby, go ahead.

Okay, so my teacher took out this huge box full of different colored macaronis,

and I got to pick. I picked a bunch of orange ones. And then...

Orange. Orange. What a great story! Orange! (LAUGHS)

But I'm not done.

Oh, we can fill in the blanks, honey.

Now give Daddy a little kiss on the cheek.

I'll kiss you, Daddy.

Of course you will, because I'm your father, and it's cool, baby.

Come on up here and sit on my lap, Son.

There's room for two of us.

Yeah, at least.

Oh, Daddy.

Yes, my dear, my dove,

my young love?

I know what you're doing, and it's so lame!

Ruby!

And I'm not going to that school dance with you, either!

Great.

It's okay. Just relax.

Got to wait it out.

She doesn't want to miss that dance.

Okay, get off my lap. Off my lap.

Jim?

Hmm?

It's 6:30. The dance starts in half an hour.

So?

So?

You said that Ruby would come around.

She hasn't, so you need to go up there and talk to her.

Cheryl, will you relax?

She's going to crack. Believe me.

You know what your problem is?

You don't understand the female mind.

And you do?

Absolutely not.

No one does. It's a bees' nest up there.

But I do understand my daughter,

and she wants to go to that father-daughter dance, believe me.

Guess what?

I just came from Ruby's room,

where she asked me to do her hair...

For the dance!

Ha!

Oh, my God, what time is it?

Right o'clock.

Oh.

Good thing Daddy didn't forget to get a corsage.

Amateur.

You're an amateur.

Time for me to put my suit on.

You know what? I do understand children.

Maybe I should write a book.

Maybe you should read one first.

How droll. You must keep your goldfish in stitches.

Wow! Look at you!

All ready for the dance?

Yep.

Well, I'm going to put my suit on.

I'll be down in a minute.

I'm not going with you. I asked somebody else.

(LAUGHS)

Look who's got her sense of humor back.

Allo!

Jim, what are you doing out of bed?

Ruby said you were really sick, and...

Why's everybody looking at me so weird?

Ruby, what are you doing?

You're supposed to go to this dance with Daddy.

Well, I want to go with Uncle Andy.

Oh, Jim, I swear I had no idea.

Oh, God, I hate these awkward silences,

so I'm just going to talk until someone interrupts me...

Dana, shut up.

Thank you.

Come on, Uncle Andy. I don't want to be late.

No, no, no, stop.

Nobody's going anywhere.

Jim!

Well, it's obvious that she wants to go to the dance with her Uncle Andy.

Just let her go.

Jim, I can't...

Andy, take her to the dance.

Here.

It's this God-awful charisma.

All right.

Guess you should go to the dance,

if that's what you want.

Is that what you want?

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Well, at least the tradition of Andy taking a relative

to the dance is alive and well.

Hey.

Hey.

How you doing?

Oh, I'm not loving being a parent right now.

Yeah, I've been there.

She dumped me for Andy!

Can you believe that? That guy can't even dance.

Have you seen him dance? It's a joke!

She wanted to go with you.

Well, then why did she pick Andy?

Why is she pushing me away?

Because she's trying to grow up.

She's trying to be her own person.

Isn't that what you want?

No!

No, I want my little girl who says "I love you, Daddy"

and gives me lots of kisses.

Oh, I know.

That will always be a part of her.

It's just going to be a little bit more on her terms.

No, not terms.

She's too young for terms.

You know what the thing is, Jim? I mean, she's going to push.

She just needs to know we're gonna be there.

Yeah. I don't get that.

Okay, what's the first thing you do when you buy a belt?

Well, I bend over and tie my shoes to make sure the belt can take the strain.

Right.

But you don't really want it to break, because you need it to support you.

You're good, lady.

Yeah.

You are really good.

I'm the belt, right?

Yeah.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, Ruby.

Hi, Ashley.

Where's your dad?

He's not here.

So who brought you?

Oh, uh,

nobody.

(ROBOTIC VOICE) Hey, Ruby,

come on out.

I hope you are programmed to boo-gie!

That weird guy knows your name.

You should tell a chaperone.

Hey.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I was, uh, taking a walk in my suit,

and I heard some music, so I thought I'd come in.

Well, it's going to be a long night for you, huh?

You know, if you dumped that guy, nobody would blame you.

I would, but he's my ride.

I got wheels, baby.

I'm here stag.

You can hang with me. What do you say?

Well...

(SLOW SONG PLAYING)

Can we dance while you think about it?

I guess.

"I guess."

I'm not a very good dancer, okay?

So if I step on your toes, you'll tell me?

It's okay. Uncle Andy stepped on my back.

You know what, Ruby?

Look, if you don't want to kiss me

when I drop you off at school anymore,

or whatever, it's okay.

Thanks.

Is there any time that it would be okay, though?

Well...

I guess you can kiss me at bedtime, or when I'm sick.

Or when you come home from work.

How about when your friends are over?

No.

What if they walk in the other room?

Way too risky.

All right, I get it.

Ruby Tuesday, look at you.

Do you know that you are the most beautiful girl here tonight?

Thank you, Daddy.

And you look so grown up. You know why?

Because you kind of are.

Do you think I look 12?

Oh! (CHUCKLING) Thirteen, easy.

Hey, Ruby, want to go hang out at the snack table with me, Beth, and Erin?

Well, I'm kind of dancing with my dad.

No, no, no, no, it's okay.

No, go ahead.

Look, we got your whole life to dance.

Go ahead.

But just remember, when you come back,

I'll still be here.

But, honey...

Bring me some cookies.

Hey. (CHUCKLES)

Ahh, you know, I've had eight of those Jell-O shots.

I think they're just Jell-O.

So, everything okay with you and Rube?

Yeah, for now.

You see, I'm the belt.

And I'm also the pair of pants, you see.

And then I bend over, and, uh...

You know, you got to talk to Cheryl about this.

All I know is, from now on I got to really work hard

at not embarrassing the little girl.

I hear that, my friend.

(UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING)

Let's kick this pig!

Whoo-hoo!

Let's bump butts!

Down low!

Up high!

Turn around!

Is this too much?

Not enough.

(BOTH SCOFF)