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1
00:00:01,732 --> 00:00:03,773
Daddy, guess what?
What?
2
00:00:03,774 --> 00:00:05,235
I got married last night.
3
00:00:05,236 --> 00:00:06,237
(CHERYL GASPS)
4
00:00:06,677 --> 00:00:07,777
What!
5
00:00:07,778 --> 00:00:09,109
To Dylan Pike.
6
00:00:09,110 --> 00:00:10,381
She really did!
7
00:00:12,113 --> 00:00:14,544
Cheryl, how come I
don't know about this?
8
00:00:14,545 --> 00:00:15,615
Did you know about this?
9
00:00:15,616 --> 00:00:17,247
I did not.
I am flabbergasted,
10
00:00:17,248 --> 00:00:19,120
simply flabbergasted.
11
00:00:20,121 --> 00:00:21,621
Ruby, you just had to go ahead
12
00:00:21,622 --> 00:00:24,024
and get married
before me, didn't you?
13
00:00:24,655 --> 00:00:26,796
ALL: April fool!
14
00:00:26,797 --> 00:00:28,298
Oh, no!
15
00:00:28,299 --> 00:00:30,400
You completely fooled us!
16
00:00:30,401 --> 00:00:31,801
You got me good.
17
00:00:31,802 --> 00:00:33,533
(CHUCKLES) You're good.
18
00:00:33,534 --> 00:00:34,535
(CHERYL LAUGHS)
19
00:00:35,706 --> 00:00:37,267
That was lame.
20
00:00:37,268 --> 00:00:39,109
(WOMEN SCOFF)
21
00:00:39,110 --> 00:00:40,810
They need a lesson
from the master.
22
00:00:40,811 --> 00:00:42,542
Yeah, well,
23
00:00:42,543 --> 00:00:46,146
I do love a well-executed
April fool's joke.
24
00:00:46,147 --> 00:00:49,149
But after last year's masterpiece
that I pulled on Cheryl...
25
00:00:49,150 --> 00:00:50,620
(LAUGHS) I retired.
26
00:00:50,621 --> 00:00:51,821
You didn't just retire.
27
00:00:51,822 --> 00:00:53,784
I believe you were
threatened with divorce.
28
00:00:55,186 --> 00:00:56,756
Cheryl, come on, it was funny.
29
00:00:56,757 --> 00:00:58,728
You eventually got home.
30
00:00:58,729 --> 00:01:01,061
And, look, you got to
practice your Spanish.
31
00:01:03,594 --> 00:01:04,595
(DOOR CLOSES)
32
00:01:06,597 --> 00:01:08,268
(GASPS)
33
00:01:08,269 --> 00:01:10,841
Dana, thank you
for the bath salts.
34
00:01:12,773 --> 00:01:14,405
The pleasure was all mine, Andy.
35
00:01:16,177 --> 00:01:18,109
I'm green everywhere.
36
00:01:18,679 --> 00:01:20,411
Everywhere!
37
00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:30,561
JIM: Oh, baby!
38
00:01:32,363 --> 00:01:34,395
(PLAYING BLUES MUSIC)
39
00:01:39,130 --> 00:01:40,801
(PLAYING OFF-KEY)
40
00:01:45,476 --> 00:01:46,737
Well, that blew.
41
00:01:48,309 --> 00:01:50,341
What, like we're going
to open for Rush?
42
00:01:52,883 --> 00:01:54,444
All right, maybe a few beers
43
00:01:54,445 --> 00:01:55,545
will make us sound better.
44
00:01:55,546 --> 00:01:57,448
Ah, there you go.
Or I'll care less.
45
00:01:58,889 --> 00:02:00,620
At least alcohol
will help me forget
46
00:02:00,621 --> 00:02:02,222
that I'm spending
the best years of my life
47
00:02:02,223 --> 00:02:03,624
with you guys.
48
00:02:04,825 --> 00:02:06,896
I don't know how
you can put that junk
49
00:02:06,897 --> 00:02:09,859
in your body, Beltzman.
That is disgusting.
50
00:02:09,860 --> 00:02:11,601
The fries, the chicken,
or the cheese?
51
00:02:11,602 --> 00:02:13,603
(GROANS)
52
00:02:13,604 --> 00:02:15,435
There's cheese in there, too?
53
00:02:15,436 --> 00:02:18,269
In the fries.
The future's here, man.
54
00:02:20,241 --> 00:02:21,871
Beltzman, why do you
even bother eating it?
55
00:02:21,872 --> 00:02:22,912
Why don't you just
take that drumstick
56
00:02:22,913 --> 00:02:24,575
and stab yourself in the heart?
57
00:02:25,476 --> 00:02:26,876
Hey, guys.
58
00:02:26,877 --> 00:02:28,147
ALL: Cheryl.
59
00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:29,249
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
60
00:02:29,250 --> 00:02:30,250
whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute!
61
00:02:30,251 --> 00:02:31,581
Is that my baseball
card collection?
62
00:02:31,582 --> 00:02:33,483
Yeah, I'm cleaning out
the bedroom closet.
63
00:02:33,484 --> 00:02:35,285
(STUTTERING) No!
Cheryl, Cheryl.
64
00:02:35,286 --> 00:02:36,486
What?
65
00:02:36,487 --> 00:02:38,658
No, this doesn't
belong in the garage.
66
00:02:38,659 --> 00:02:40,530
The only thing that belongs
in this crappy garage
67
00:02:40,531 --> 00:02:42,732
are old magazines,
tools, and these clowns.
68
00:02:42,733 --> 00:02:44,294
ALL: Yeah!
69
00:02:44,295 --> 00:02:47,867
No, not Ernie Banks.
Mr. Cub!
70
00:02:47,868 --> 00:02:49,639
With what he's done
for Chicago, Cheryl...
71
00:02:49,640 --> 00:02:51,941
No, I'd rather put
my kids in here first.
72
00:02:51,942 --> 00:02:53,603
Holy crap!
73
00:02:53,604 --> 00:02:54,775
Is that his rookie card?
74
00:02:55,606 --> 00:02:57,707
JIM: Yes, indeed.
75
00:02:57,708 --> 00:02:59,579
Wow, Jim, I'd give my right nad
76
00:02:59,580 --> 00:03:01,811
for that card.
77
00:03:01,812 --> 00:03:03,483
Yeah, you know, I don't know
anything about baseball,
78
00:03:03,484 --> 00:03:05,185
but I don't think
that's a good trade.
79
00:03:06,257 --> 00:03:08,388
Cheryl, this stays in the house.
80
00:03:08,389 --> 00:03:09,919
All right, fine!
81
00:03:09,920 --> 00:03:11,961
But I still need to make
some room in the closet.
82
00:03:11,962 --> 00:03:13,223
All right, I'll tell you what.
83
00:03:13,224 --> 00:03:14,664
I'll compromise here.
84
00:03:14,665 --> 00:03:15,725
Why don't you make some
room in the refrigerator
85
00:03:15,726 --> 00:03:17,627
and bring us out some snacks?
86
00:03:17,628 --> 00:03:19,198
Oh, ha ha.
87
00:03:19,199 --> 00:03:22,432
I'd give my left nad
for some apple pie.
88
00:03:22,433 --> 00:03:24,204
Oh, now you're just
giving them away.
89
00:03:25,636 --> 00:03:27,877
All right, let's let
the beer do the magic.
90
00:03:27,878 --> 00:03:29,779
One, two, three, four.
91
00:03:29,780 --> 00:03:31,612
(PLAYING BLUES MUSIC)
92
00:03:41,792 --> 00:03:42,992
Cheryl, Cheryl, Cheryl!
93
00:03:42,993 --> 00:03:44,494
Emergency, an emergency!
94
00:03:44,495 --> 00:03:46,997
Jim, the spare toilet
paper's under the sink.
95
00:03:48,629 --> 00:03:51,431
No! No, my Ernie
Banks card it's gone!
96
00:03:51,432 --> 00:03:52,962
It's been stolen! It's
missing! I can't find it!
97
00:03:52,963 --> 00:03:54,504
Honey, it's got to be somewhere.
98
00:03:54,505 --> 00:03:55,965
No one would take it.
99
00:03:55,966 --> 00:03:57,638
What about these
little people here?
100
00:03:59,470 --> 00:04:00,870
Come on, they'd take anything.
101
00:04:00,871 --> 00:04:02,673
They're like raccoons
with clothes on.
102
00:04:04,375 --> 00:04:06,317
Oh! This is exactly
why we need a vault.
103
00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:09,868
Don't you think we should
get a savings account first?
104
00:04:10,781 --> 00:04:12,482
All right.
All right, kids,
105
00:04:12,483 --> 00:04:15,485
the first one who finds
my Ernie gets a quarter.
106
00:04:15,486 --> 00:04:16,526
Yay!
107
00:04:16,527 --> 00:04:17,628
That's my boy.
108
00:04:18,659 --> 00:04:19,989
A lousy quarter?
109
00:04:19,990 --> 00:04:20,991
All right, a buck.
110
00:04:21,792 --> 00:04:22,863
Yay!
111
00:04:24,395 --> 00:04:26,337
I don't get out of bed
for under $5.
112
00:04:28,669 --> 00:04:30,341
All right, five bucks.
Come on.
113
00:04:30,701 --> 00:04:31,901
Yay!
114
00:04:31,902 --> 00:04:33,303
Find it!
115
00:04:33,304 --> 00:04:34,774
Wow, five bucks?
116
00:04:34,775 --> 00:04:36,876
When Cheryl lost her wedding
ring, you only offered $2.
117
00:04:36,877 --> 00:04:38,478
CHERYL: Yeah.
118
00:04:38,479 --> 00:04:40,639
Well, that's because Ernie
Banks has sentimental value.
119
00:04:43,914 --> 00:04:46,616
Uh, hey, Jim, um...
120
00:04:46,617 --> 00:04:49,419
I just got some
bad news from Tony.
121
00:04:49,420 --> 00:04:50,490
What?
What happened?
122
00:04:50,491 --> 00:04:52,061
It's Beltzman.
He, um...
123
00:04:52,062 --> 00:04:53,493
He had a heart
attack this morning.
124
00:04:53,494 --> 00:04:54,664
(GASPS)
125
00:04:54,665 --> 00:04:55,696
Well, is he all right?
126
00:04:56,927 --> 00:04:57,998
He...
He didn't make it.
127
00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:01,531
Oh, my God.
128
00:05:01,532 --> 00:05:02,633
Wow.
129
00:05:03,634 --> 00:05:06,336
He was in the prime of his life.
130
00:05:06,337 --> 00:05:08,878
Such a tall, good-looking guy.
131
00:05:08,879 --> 00:05:10,680
What?
132
00:05:10,681 --> 00:05:12,413
No, you're thinking of John.
133
00:05:13,784 --> 00:05:15,314
Which one's Beltzman?
134
00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:17,547
Weird-looking guy, pot belly?
135
00:05:17,548 --> 00:05:18,749
Oh, the drummer?
136
00:05:19,790 --> 00:05:20,950
No, that's Tony,
137
00:05:20,951 --> 00:05:22,552
the other guy
with the pot belly.
138
00:05:22,553 --> 00:05:24,494
Oh, that guy.
139
00:05:24,495 --> 00:05:27,457
What a tragedy.
I really liked him.
140
00:05:27,458 --> 00:05:28,559
Yeah.
141
00:05:29,860 --> 00:05:31,431
Where was he?
142
00:05:31,432 --> 00:05:33,403
Doing what he loved best...
143
00:05:33,404 --> 00:05:35,604
Eating fried chicken and
shooting rats down at the dump.
144
00:05:38,008 --> 00:05:40,039
So sad.
145
00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:43,042
His poor wife. I'm going
to go make a casserole.
146
00:05:43,043 --> 00:05:44,723
I thought we were
having meat loaf tonight.
147
00:05:46,016 --> 00:05:47,117
For her!
148
00:05:51,351 --> 00:05:52,682
Man, poor Beltzman.
149
00:05:52,683 --> 00:05:54,455
Poor, poor, poor...
150
00:05:55,586 --> 00:05:56,687
Poor...
151
00:05:57,558 --> 00:05:58,759
Poor, um...
152
00:06:00,891 --> 00:06:02,862
What was his first name?
153
00:06:02,863 --> 00:06:04,764
I mean, we always
called him Beltzman.
154
00:06:04,765 --> 00:06:07,366
Yeah. Well,
let me think.
155
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:08,699
"Shut up, Beltzman."
156
00:06:09,870 --> 00:06:11,872
"I'm not gay, Beltzman."
157
00:06:13,744 --> 00:06:16,477
"Oh, gross,
was that you, Beltzman?"
158
00:06:17,878 --> 00:06:18,909
No idea.
Yeah.
159
00:06:24,114 --> 00:06:27,857
Oh, Bonnie,
I'm so sorry for your loss.
160
00:06:27,858 --> 00:06:29,338
Here, I made you
a broccoli casserole.
161
00:06:30,491 --> 00:06:31,661
Broccoli casserole.
162
00:06:31,662 --> 00:06:34,063
Like the woman hasn't
suffered enough.
163
00:06:34,064 --> 00:06:36,926
You know, this came as
such a shock to all of us.
164
00:06:36,927 --> 00:06:39,500
Not to me.
The man bled gravy.
165
00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:44,504
I can see you're hurting,
but we're all here for you.
166
00:06:44,505 --> 00:06:45,575
Yeah.
167
00:06:45,576 --> 00:06:46,976
Oh, thank you.
168
00:06:46,977 --> 00:06:47,978
Who are you?
169
00:06:49,079 --> 00:06:51,542
Oh, I'm Dana.
I'm Cheryl's sister.
170
00:06:52,182 --> 00:06:54,143
Who's Cheryl?
171
00:06:54,144 --> 00:06:56,045
Me. I'm Cheryl.
I'm Jim's wife.
172
00:06:56,046 --> 00:06:57,847
Oh, Jim's wife.
173
00:06:57,848 --> 00:06:59,789
I hear you always put
out a plate of doughnuts
174
00:06:59,790 --> 00:07:01,591
for every rehearsal.
I did.
175
00:07:01,592 --> 00:07:02,593
Thanks a lot!
176
00:07:04,124 --> 00:07:06,196
I think I'll go put this
in the kitchen for you.
177
00:07:06,897 --> 00:07:08,458
Bonnie.
178
00:07:08,459 --> 00:07:11,661
He was a great guy,
and a great guitar-player.
179
00:07:11,662 --> 00:07:12,702
And he always wiped his lips
180
00:07:12,703 --> 00:07:14,164
before he drank from the hose.
181
00:07:16,467 --> 00:07:17,767
I want to show you something.
182
00:07:17,768 --> 00:07:19,138
I was going through his stuff,
183
00:07:19,139 --> 00:07:21,070
and I found this
picture of the band
184
00:07:21,071 --> 00:07:24,113
from the one paying gig
you guys had.
185
00:07:24,114 --> 00:07:25,815
I think you should take it.
186
00:07:25,816 --> 00:07:27,647
Oh, really?
187
00:07:27,648 --> 00:07:29,980
Oh, God, Bonnie, thank you.
188
00:07:39,930 --> 00:07:41,961
Bonnie!
189
00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:44,834
Bonnie, this is Ernie
Banks' rookie card.
190
00:07:44,835 --> 00:07:46,636
When did Beltzman get this?
191
00:07:46,637 --> 00:07:48,698
A few days ago.
He was really excited.
192
00:07:48,699 --> 00:07:51,701
He said, "Now I can
die a happy man."
193
00:07:51,702 --> 00:07:53,173
And then he did.
194
00:07:54,044 --> 00:07:55,244
Andy!
195
00:07:55,245 --> 00:07:56,576
Hey, Bonnie.
196
00:07:56,577 --> 00:07:58,778
Maybe this will
make you feel better, huh?
197
00:07:58,779 --> 00:08:00,780
Wow, look at all that cheese.
198
00:08:00,781 --> 00:08:02,051
Yeah.
199
00:08:02,052 --> 00:08:03,492
What, are you trying
to kill me, too?
200
00:08:06,587 --> 00:08:08,087
This is my card!
201
00:08:08,088 --> 00:08:10,590
Beltzman stole
your card? JIM: Yes!
202
00:08:10,591 --> 00:08:11,921
How can you even be
sure that's your card?
203
00:08:11,922 --> 00:08:13,122
It is my card!
204
00:08:13,123 --> 00:08:14,764
Look, at this.
Flawless corners,
205
00:08:14,765 --> 00:08:16,065
perfectly centered,
no color bleeding,
206
00:08:16,066 --> 00:08:18,698
and, look, you see that
little nick right there?
207
00:08:18,699 --> 00:08:21,000
This is mine, Cheryl.
This is mine!
208
00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:23,072
That freaky little gnome
stole my card!
209
00:08:23,073 --> 00:08:24,634
(SHUSHING)
210
00:08:24,635 --> 00:08:26,235
Hey, pop.
211
00:08:26,236 --> 00:08:27,907
If you see that creep up there,
212
00:08:27,908 --> 00:08:30,110
you give him
the old Alabama soup bone.
213
00:08:31,642 --> 00:08:32,882
Where are you going?
214
00:08:32,883 --> 00:08:34,814
I'm going to tell Bonnie what
a crook her husband was,
215
00:08:34,815 --> 00:08:36,946
and tell her that I'm going
to take Ernie back home
216
00:08:36,947 --> 00:08:38,087
where he belongs!
217
00:08:38,088 --> 00:08:40,620
Jim, no.
You can't do that.
218
00:08:40,621 --> 00:08:42,291
How would you feel if you died
and somebody came and told me
219
00:08:42,292 --> 00:08:44,093
what a horrible person you were?
220
00:08:44,094 --> 00:08:45,894
Bring a snack. That's
going to be a long line.
221
00:08:47,958 --> 00:08:50,199
Jim, I know you want
your card back... Yes!
222
00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:52,061
...but you're going to have to
wait a respectable amount of time
223
00:08:52,062 --> 00:08:53,963
before you approach Bonnie.
224
00:08:53,964 --> 00:08:55,104
At least a few months.
225
00:08:55,105 --> 00:08:57,036
A few months?
Yes.
226
00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:58,237
Who makes up these rules?
227
00:08:58,238 --> 00:08:59,769
Oh, decent people.
228
00:08:59,770 --> 00:09:01,110
Decent people?
Yes.
229
00:09:01,111 --> 00:09:02,642
Not a fan.
Oh!
230
00:09:02,643 --> 00:09:05,044
Jim, just relax.
231
00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:06,776
Your card's not
going to go anywhere.
232
00:09:06,777 --> 00:09:08,048
No.
(GASPS)
233
00:09:09,119 --> 00:09:11,921
We have a bigger problem here.
234
00:09:11,922 --> 00:09:13,753
Where are we going to find
a new guitar player
235
00:09:13,754 --> 00:09:15,726
who hands out porn at Christmas?
236
00:09:19,259 --> 00:09:20,630
Man...
237
00:09:20,631 --> 00:09:22,162
When it rains, it pours.
238
00:09:32,803 --> 00:09:34,073
Hey, guys.
Hey.
239
00:09:34,074 --> 00:09:35,675
Quite a loss.
Yeah.
240
00:09:35,676 --> 00:09:37,756
Hey, don't forget to rub
his head for good luck, huh?
241
00:09:39,249 --> 00:09:41,580
That is... That is
ridiculous, John!
242
00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:44,984
Suit yourself, but I've done
it the last three funerals.
243
00:09:44,985 --> 00:09:46,787
My life's going gangbusters.
244
00:09:52,192 --> 00:09:53,363
(SIGHS)
245
00:09:54,695 --> 00:09:55,826
(ANDY GASPS)
246
00:09:57,968 --> 00:09:59,969
Oh, my God.
247
00:09:59,970 --> 00:10:02,271
Oh, my God.
248
00:10:02,272 --> 00:10:04,373
He's got my Ernie Banks card!
249
00:10:04,374 --> 00:10:06,075
(SHUSHING)
Honey, honey.
250
00:10:06,076 --> 00:10:08,308
He's also got a bucket of
chicken and a Juggs magazine.
251
00:10:10,380 --> 00:10:12,342
He's going out like a pharaoh.
252
00:10:13,814 --> 00:10:16,716
They're going to bury him
with my Ernie Banks card!
253
00:10:16,717 --> 00:10:18,117
Hey, Jim!
254
00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:19,319
There are people here.
255
00:10:19,990 --> 00:10:21,851
Like the suit?
256
00:10:21,852 --> 00:10:23,772
We had to cut the back
out of it so it'd fit him.
257
00:10:25,395 --> 00:10:27,897
Bonnie, I see, uh...
258
00:10:27,898 --> 00:10:30,329
I see he's got the Ernie
Banks card with him.
259
00:10:30,330 --> 00:10:33,402
Oh, yeah. I thought
he'd like to have it.
260
00:10:33,403 --> 00:10:35,634
Don't you think it would
be more appreciated
261
00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:38,738
by a living, breathing Cubs fan?
262
00:10:38,739 --> 00:10:40,369
Hey, wait a minute.
263
00:10:40,370 --> 00:10:43,412
You're a living,
breathing Cubs fan.
264
00:10:43,413 --> 00:10:46,215
I bet you Beltzman would
love for you to have this.
265
00:10:46,216 --> 00:10:48,919
Don't be vulgar.
The body's still warm.
266
00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:52,022
He's probably right.
267
00:10:53,383 --> 00:10:54,924
I thought about it,
268
00:10:54,925 --> 00:10:56,656
but I never really
cared for you.
269
00:11:00,430 --> 00:11:03,032
If you all can take your seats,
270
00:11:03,033 --> 00:11:05,695
we're about to begin
the service.
271
00:11:05,696 --> 00:11:07,096
(WHISPERING) Jim!
Jim.
272
00:11:07,097 --> 00:11:08,257
(WHISPERING)
Jim! Go. Get out.
273
00:11:10,871 --> 00:11:13,803
May I escort you to your
seat, widow Beltzman?
274
00:11:13,804 --> 00:11:15,104
Oh, thank you,
275
00:11:15,105 --> 00:11:16,807
and don't call me
widow Beltzman.
276
00:11:17,848 --> 00:11:19,678
Then can I just call you?
277
00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:21,912
Andy!
That's sick.
278
00:11:23,053 --> 00:11:24,254
And Bonnie's the cure.
279
00:11:27,157 --> 00:11:28,788
I appreciate that,
280
00:11:28,789 --> 00:11:30,989
but I've dated my last fellow
with a heart attack torso.
281
00:11:34,024 --> 00:11:35,195
We shall see.
282
00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:43,733
We are here today to honor
the memory of Eugene Beltzman.
283
00:11:43,734 --> 00:11:45,174
(CHUCKLING) "Eugene."
"Eugene."
284
00:11:45,175 --> 00:11:46,236
(SHUSHING)
285
00:11:48,108 --> 00:11:51,440
Husband, musician,
scoutmaster...
286
00:11:51,441 --> 00:11:53,042
(WHISPERING) Man,
I can't believe it.
287
00:11:53,043 --> 00:11:55,815
I'm sitting here 10 feet away
from my Ernie Banks card.
288
00:11:55,816 --> 00:11:58,287
I can hear him calling,
"Jim, Jim, save me."
289
00:11:58,288 --> 00:12:00,119
Jim, you've got to let it go.
290
00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:01,220
It is too late.
291
00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:02,892
No, it's not!
Yes.
292
00:12:02,893 --> 00:12:04,193
Following the service,
you're invited
293
00:12:04,194 --> 00:12:08,497
back to the Beltzman home
for a cold cut plate.
294
00:12:08,498 --> 00:12:09,499
(MURMURING EXCITEDLY)
295
00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:13,132
And tomorrow morning,
296
00:12:13,133 --> 00:12:15,735
his ashes will be scattered
over Lake Michigan.
297
00:12:16,336 --> 00:12:17,467
Ashes?
298
00:12:18,408 --> 00:12:19,439
No!
299
00:12:20,841 --> 00:12:23,373
No, no.
No, there is no...
300
00:12:24,174 --> 00:12:26,145
Time to waste.
301
00:12:26,146 --> 00:12:28,848
(STUTTERING) I need to...
I need to speak out
302
00:12:28,849 --> 00:12:32,251
and pay tribute
to my dear friend Beltzman.
303
00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:34,183
Uh, Father, no disrespect,
304
00:12:34,184 --> 00:12:37,086
but I think I knew Beltzman
305
00:12:37,087 --> 00:12:39,288
a hell of a lot better than you.
306
00:12:39,289 --> 00:12:43,093
Well, I baptized him
and knew him for 45 years.
307
00:12:46,867 --> 00:12:47,997
Fine, fine.
308
00:12:47,998 --> 00:12:50,269
Well, I'll be your opening act.
309
00:12:50,270 --> 00:12:52,030
Take a squat over there,
would you, Reverend?
310
00:12:53,804 --> 00:12:54,805
Please.
311
00:12:56,847 --> 00:13:00,009
Well, for those of you
who don't know me,
312
00:13:00,010 --> 00:13:02,251
I'm a deeply spiritual man.
313
00:13:02,252 --> 00:13:03,313
BOTH: (COUGHING) Liar!
314
00:13:05,155 --> 00:13:07,888
And I love to lead people
in prayer.
315
00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:11,892
So if you'll all
bow your heads...
316
00:13:14,364 --> 00:13:15,525
Bow your heads, please.
317
00:13:17,567 --> 00:13:18,568
Close your eyes.
318
00:13:19,970 --> 00:13:21,090
(WHISPERING)
Close your eyes!
319
00:13:24,434 --> 00:13:25,435
Good.
320
00:13:36,046 --> 00:13:37,417
My dearly beloved...
321
00:13:40,050 --> 00:13:42,922
By the power vested in me...
322
00:13:42,923 --> 00:13:45,926
I'm going to send Beltzman
up to the sky.
323
00:13:50,460 --> 00:13:52,162
I know it's really hard...
324
00:13:53,103 --> 00:13:54,204
Let go, Beltzman!
325
00:13:56,436 --> 00:13:58,338
To let go of Beltzman.
326
00:14:01,611 --> 00:14:02,612
(THUD)
327
00:14:19,229 --> 00:14:21,061
Oh, that son-of-a-gun.
328
00:14:32,272 --> 00:14:34,304
I'm getting
a little choked up here,
329
00:14:35,075 --> 00:14:36,275
so maybe, Andy,
330
00:14:36,276 --> 00:14:38,196
you can come up here
and help me with the prayer.
331
00:14:39,409 --> 00:14:41,250
Keep your eyes closed.
332
00:14:41,251 --> 00:14:42,582
Eyes closed.
333
00:14:45,185 --> 00:14:46,416
Not you!
334
00:14:48,258 --> 00:14:50,659
(WHISPERING)
Help me open this.
335
00:14:50,660 --> 00:14:53,964
(OUT LOUD) You know,
now that Beltzman is gone...
336
00:14:55,395 --> 00:14:57,497
I feel like he took
a piece of me with him.
337
00:14:58,628 --> 00:15:01,400
A very, very valuable piece.
338
00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:02,671
If I had to put a figure on it,
339
00:15:02,672 --> 00:15:04,274
it'd be about 1,500 bucks!
340
00:15:06,076 --> 00:15:08,207
(WHISPERING) It's
not budging. What now?
341
00:15:08,208 --> 00:15:09,478
(WHISPERING) All right,
sing something sad
342
00:15:09,479 --> 00:15:10,999
and come over here
and give me a boost.
343
00:15:12,642 --> 00:15:14,344
(SINGING SWING LOW,
SWEET CHARIOT)
344
00:15:24,654 --> 00:15:25,924
I got it.
I got it.
345
00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:27,356
(SINGING)
346
00:15:27,357 --> 00:15:28,598
I got it, I got it!
347
00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:35,565
(SINGING)
348
00:15:43,713 --> 00:15:44,714
Thank you.
349
00:15:46,076 --> 00:15:47,376
Thank you, brother Andy,
350
00:15:47,377 --> 00:15:48,578
for that wonderful song.
351
00:15:49,679 --> 00:15:50,950
Amen.
352
00:15:53,953 --> 00:15:56,455
I think it's important
to remember Beltzman
353
00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:57,457
the way he was.
354
00:16:00,090 --> 00:16:01,431
(CHOKING UP)
355
00:16:02,962 --> 00:16:05,365
I can't really go on right now.
356
00:16:06,196 --> 00:16:08,737
This is too much for me.
357
00:16:08,738 --> 00:16:12,072
I think I'm going to go
and pray alone now.
358
00:16:14,104 --> 00:16:15,345
God, why?
359
00:16:17,707 --> 00:16:19,109
Why, God?
360
00:16:22,282 --> 00:16:23,353
Keys?
361
00:16:33,363 --> 00:16:35,264
Welcome home, Ernie.
362
00:16:35,265 --> 00:16:36,765
Cheryl, you know what?
363
00:16:36,766 --> 00:16:38,227
Ernie's had
a couple of rough days.
364
00:16:38,228 --> 00:16:40,169
I think he's hungry.
365
00:16:40,170 --> 00:16:41,770
Why don't you make him
a little sandwich?
366
00:16:42,472 --> 00:16:43,503
And make me one, too.
367
00:16:44,174 --> 00:16:45,234
No!
368
00:16:45,235 --> 00:16:47,377
I don't make sandwiches
for grave robbers.
369
00:16:48,638 --> 00:16:50,780
All right, I'll have
a bowl of ice cream, then.
370
00:16:52,112 --> 00:16:55,244
Jim, you stole from the dead.
371
00:16:55,245 --> 00:16:57,086
The universe is not
going to ignore this.
372
00:16:57,087 --> 00:16:59,249
You are dealing with
something very big here. Karma!
373
00:17:00,190 --> 00:17:01,320
Karma?
Yes!
374
00:17:01,321 --> 00:17:03,152
You're Miss Karma here,
trying to pawn off
375
00:17:03,153 --> 00:17:05,254
a broccoli casserole on a widow!
376
00:17:05,255 --> 00:17:06,296
Oh!
377
00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:09,099
Bad, bad karma.
378
00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:12,461
Come on, Ernie.
379
00:17:12,462 --> 00:17:14,203
You and me are going
where you belong.
380
00:17:14,204 --> 00:17:15,564
Back upstairs.
381
00:17:15,565 --> 00:17:18,267
Oh, I don't know, Jim.
This is some bad mojo.
382
00:17:18,268 --> 00:17:20,140
Bad mojo.
383
00:17:21,511 --> 00:17:22,751
I'm glad I'm not you right now.
384
00:17:23,473 --> 00:17:25,144
Interesting.
385
00:17:25,145 --> 00:17:27,347
So at some point,
you did want to be me.
386
00:17:27,777 --> 00:17:29,418
Oh...
387
00:17:29,419 --> 00:17:31,280
And you can't be.
388
00:17:31,281 --> 00:17:32,752
It just drives you
crazy, doesn't it?
389
00:17:37,227 --> 00:17:38,688
(METAL CLANGING)
390
00:17:43,193 --> 00:17:44,294
Cheryl, do you hear that?
391
00:17:47,437 --> 00:17:48,638
(SNIFFS)
392
00:17:50,500 --> 00:17:52,702
I smell cooking.
393
00:17:58,308 --> 00:17:59,809
(METAL CLANGING)
394
00:18:14,194 --> 00:18:15,665
(SIZZLING NOISE)
395
00:18:29,609 --> 00:18:31,211
Fried chicken?
396
00:18:33,643 --> 00:18:35,145
Who's here?
397
00:18:36,416 --> 00:18:37,547
Hello?
398
00:18:40,290 --> 00:18:42,191
Anybody?
399
00:18:42,192 --> 00:18:43,693
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
400
00:18:50,500 --> 00:18:51,631
Hello?
401
00:18:53,433 --> 00:18:55,133
No.
402
00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:56,436
No, there's no Ernie here.
403
00:18:57,267 --> 00:18:58,538
Hello?
404
00:18:58,908 --> 00:19:00,270
Hello?
405
00:19:03,373 --> 00:19:05,314
Weird.
406
00:19:05,315 --> 00:19:06,376
MAN: (WHISPERING)
Jim!
407
00:19:09,419 --> 00:19:10,480
Jim!
408
00:19:16,656 --> 00:19:17,927
What the...
409
00:19:21,261 --> 00:19:23,432
All right.
410
00:19:23,433 --> 00:19:25,264
Who's ever here is a dead man!
411
00:19:25,265 --> 00:19:26,296
Too late!
412
00:19:27,537 --> 00:19:28,868
(STUTTERING) Beltzman?
413
00:19:29,799 --> 00:19:31,300
Beltzman!
414
00:19:31,301 --> 00:19:32,541
No!
415
00:19:32,542 --> 00:19:33,703
(SCREAMING)
416
00:19:35,275 --> 00:19:37,676
ALL: April fool's!
417
00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:39,178
(CHEERING)
418
00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:41,281
What?
419
00:19:42,612 --> 00:19:44,353
No, no, no,
this is no time for jokes.
420
00:19:44,354 --> 00:19:45,885
There's a dead man
in the backyard!
421
00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:49,187
It's a prank, genius.
422
00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:50,859
A prank?
Yes!
423
00:19:50,860 --> 00:19:54,192
You killed Beltzman for a prank?
424
00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:55,924
Hey, who wants
some haunted chicken?
425
00:19:55,925 --> 00:19:57,427
(SCREAMING)
426
00:19:59,529 --> 00:20:01,300
So this whole thing was a joke?
427
00:20:01,301 --> 00:20:02,371
Yes!
428
00:20:02,372 --> 00:20:03,702
JIM: The death,
the funeral,
429
00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:05,734
the god-awful
broccoli casserole?
430
00:20:05,735 --> 00:20:07,677
There is nothing wrong
with my casserole!
431
00:20:08,538 --> 00:20:09,639
ALL: Eh...
Hey!
432
00:20:10,580 --> 00:20:12,311
Cheryl!
433
00:20:12,312 --> 00:20:14,243
Faking a death.
434
00:20:14,244 --> 00:20:16,615
I mean, don't you think that's
over the line, even for April fool's?
435
00:20:16,616 --> 00:20:18,947
Are you kidding? After
everything you've pulled on us?
436
00:20:18,948 --> 00:20:20,589
Yeah, I told off
everyone at work
437
00:20:20,590 --> 00:20:22,991
before I found out my
promotion wasn't real.
438
00:20:22,992 --> 00:20:25,254
You sent those fake
IRS agents to my house.
439
00:20:25,255 --> 00:20:27,226
I closed all my accounts
and moved to Haiti!
440
00:20:28,928 --> 00:20:30,429
I was on the operating table
441
00:20:30,430 --> 00:20:33,602
before I realized
you faked my x-rays!
442
00:20:33,603 --> 00:20:35,465
How about that time
I woke up next to a goat?
443
00:20:37,807 --> 00:20:39,508
All right, all right,
444
00:20:39,509 --> 00:20:40,939
maybe... Maybe
I had it coming.
445
00:20:40,940 --> 00:20:42,511
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
446
00:20:42,512 --> 00:20:43,842
I deserved it.
447
00:20:43,843 --> 00:20:45,744
Yes, you did!
448
00:20:45,745 --> 00:20:47,946
Hey, I'm the first one to
admit when I've been bested.
449
00:20:47,947 --> 00:20:50,779
Cheryl, you are good.
450
00:20:50,780 --> 00:20:52,551
Oh, thank you.
451
00:20:52,552 --> 00:20:54,483
I doff my hat to you,
young lady.
452
00:20:54,484 --> 00:20:55,624
Well, thank you, sir.
453
00:20:55,625 --> 00:20:57,026
JIM: I doff my hat
to all of you.
454
00:20:57,757 --> 00:20:59,358
Doff, doff, doff,
455
00:20:59,359 --> 00:21:01,930
doff, doff, doff, doff, doff.
456
00:21:01,931 --> 00:21:04,434
The king of pranks
has been dethroned!
457
00:21:04,934 --> 00:21:06,264
Woo!
458
00:21:06,265 --> 00:21:07,766
I would like to thank you all.
459
00:21:07,767 --> 00:21:09,538
You were all brilliant.
460
00:21:09,539 --> 00:21:12,441
Every single one of you.
Brilliant.
461
00:21:12,442 --> 00:21:13,772
TONY: Fantastic.
462
00:21:13,773 --> 00:21:15,344
No hitting on my wife next time.
463
00:21:15,345 --> 00:21:16,875
Wasn't that good?
464
00:21:16,876 --> 00:21:18,648
Tony, you almost blew it, man.
465
00:21:19,649 --> 00:21:21,381
I think it was very good, too.
466
00:21:22,352 --> 00:21:23,912
Cheryl?
CHERYL: What?
467
00:21:23,913 --> 00:21:25,554
He's egging our cars.
468
00:21:25,555 --> 00:21:27,015
CHERYL: What?
469
00:21:27,016 --> 00:21:28,387
No!
470
00:21:28,388 --> 00:21:29,759
Jim!
29134
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