Original subtitles

Daddy, guess what? What?

I got married last night.

(CHERYL GASPS)

What!

To Dylan Pike.

She really did!

Cheryl, how come I don't know about this?

Did you know about this?

I did not. I am flabbergasted,

simply flabbergasted.

Ruby, you just had to go ahead

and get married before me, didn't you?

ALL: April fool!

Oh, no!

You completely fooled us!

You got me good.

(CHUCKLES) You're good.

(CHERYL LAUGHS)

That was lame.

(WOMEN SCOFF)

They need a lesson from the master.

Yeah, well,

I do love a well-executed April fool's joke.

But after last year's masterpiece that I pulled on Cheryl...

(LAUGHS) I retired.

You didn't just retire.

I believe you were threatened with divorce.

Cheryl, come on, it was funny.

You eventually got home.

And, look, you got to practice your Spanish.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(GASPS)

Dana, thank you for the bath salts.

The pleasure was all mine, Andy.

I'm green everywhere.

Everywhere!

JIM: Oh, baby!

(PLAYING BLUES MUSIC)

(PLAYING OFF-KEY)

Well, that blew.

What, like we're going to open for Rush?

All right, maybe a few beers

will make us sound better.

Ah, there you go. Or I'll care less.

At least alcohol will help me forget

that I'm spending the best years of my life

with you guys.

I don't know how you can put that junk

in your body, Beltzman. That is disgusting.

The fries, the chicken, or the cheese?

(GROANS)

There's cheese in there, too?

In the fries. The future's here, man.

Beltzman, why do you even bother eating it?

Why don't you just take that drumstick

and stab yourself in the heart?

Hey, guys.

ALL: Cheryl.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute!

Is that my baseball card collection?

Yeah, I'm cleaning out the bedroom closet.

(STUTTERING) No! Cheryl, Cheryl.

What?

No, this doesn't belong in the garage.

The only thing that belongs in this crappy garage

are old magazines, tools, and these clowns.

ALL: Yeah!

No, not Ernie Banks. Mr. Cub!

With what he's done for Chicago, Cheryl...

No, I'd rather put my kids in here first.

Holy crap!

Is that his rookie card?

JIM: Yes, indeed.

Wow, Jim, I'd give my right nad

for that card.

Yeah, you know, I don't know anything about baseball,

but I don't think that's a good trade.

Cheryl, this stays in the house.

All right, fine!

But I still need to make some room in the closet.

All right, I'll tell you what.

I'll compromise here.

Why don't you make some room in the refrigerator

and bring us out some snacks?

Oh, ha ha.

I'd give my left nad for some apple pie.

Oh, now you're just giving them away.

All right, let's let the beer do the magic.

One, two, three, four.

(PLAYING BLUES MUSIC)

Cheryl, Cheryl, Cheryl!

Emergency, an emergency!

Jim, the spare toilet paper's under the sink.

No! No, my Ernie Banks card it's gone!

It's been stolen! It's missing! I can't find it!

Honey, it's got to be somewhere.

No one would take it.

What about these little people here?

Come on, they'd take anything.

They're like raccoons with clothes on.

Oh! This is exactly why we need a vault.

Don't you think we should get a savings account first?

All right. All right, kids,

the first one who finds my Ernie gets a quarter.

Yay!

That's my boy.

A lousy quarter?

All right, a buck.

Yay!

I don't get out of bed for under $5.

All right, five bucks. Come on.

Yay!

Find it!

Wow, five bucks?

When Cheryl lost her wedding ring, you only offered $2.

CHERYL: Yeah.

Well, that's because Ernie Banks has sentimental value.

Uh, hey, Jim, um...

I just got some bad news from Tony.

What? What happened?

It's Beltzman. He, um...

He had a heart attack this morning.

(GASPS)

Well, is he all right?

He... He didn't make it.

Oh, my God.

Wow.

He was in the prime of his life.

Such a tall, good-looking guy.

What?

No, you're thinking of John.

Which one's Beltzman?

Weird-looking guy, pot belly?

Oh, the drummer?

No, that's Tony,

the other guy with the pot belly.

Oh, that guy.

What a tragedy. I really liked him.

Yeah.

Where was he?

Doing what he loved best...

Eating fried chicken and shooting rats down at the dump.

So sad.

His poor wife. I'm going to go make a casserole.

I thought we were having meat loaf tonight.

For her!

Man, poor Beltzman.

Poor, poor, poor...

Poor...

Poor, um...

What was his first name?

I mean, we always called him Beltzman.

Yeah. Well, let me think.

"Shut up, Beltzman."

"I'm not gay, Beltzman."

"Oh, gross, was that you, Beltzman?"

No idea. Yeah.

Oh, Bonnie, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Here, I made you a broccoli casserole.

Broccoli casserole.

Like the woman hasn't suffered enough.

You know, this came as such a shock to all of us.

Not to me. The man bled gravy.

I can see you're hurting, but we're all here for you.

Yeah.

Oh, thank you.

Who are you?

Oh, I'm Dana. I'm Cheryl's sister.

Who's Cheryl?

Me. I'm Cheryl. I'm Jim's wife.

Oh, Jim's wife.

I hear you always put out a plate of doughnuts

for every rehearsal. I did.

Thanks a lot!

I think I'll go put this in the kitchen for you.

Bonnie.

He was a great guy, and a great guitar-player.

And he always wiped his lips

before he drank from the hose.

I want to show you something.

I was going through his stuff,

and I found this picture of the band

from the one paying gig you guys had.

I think you should take it.

Oh, really?

Oh, God, Bonnie, thank you.

Bonnie!

Bonnie, this is Ernie Banks' rookie card.

When did Beltzman get this?

A few days ago. He was really excited.

He said, "Now I can die a happy man."

And then he did.

Andy!

Hey, Bonnie.

Maybe this will make you feel better, huh?

Wow, look at all that cheese.

Yeah.

What, are you trying to kill me, too?

This is my card!

Beltzman stole your card? JIM: Yes!

How can you even be sure that's your card?

It is my card!

Look, at this. Flawless corners,

perfectly centered, no color bleeding,

and, look, you see that little nick right there?

This is mine, Cheryl. This is mine!

That freaky little gnome stole my card!

(SHUSHING)

Hey, pop.

If you see that creep up there,

you give him the old Alabama soup bone.

Where are you going?

I'm going to tell Bonnie what a crook her husband was,

and tell her that I'm going to take Ernie back home

where he belongs!

Jim, no. You can't do that.

How would you feel if you died and somebody came and told me

what a horrible person you were?

Bring a snack. That's going to be a long line.

Jim, I know you want your card back... Yes!

...but you're going to have to wait a respectable amount of time

before you approach Bonnie.

At least a few months.

A few months? Yes.

Who makes up these rules?

Oh, decent people.

Decent people? Yes.

Not a fan. Oh!

Jim, just relax.

Your card's not going to go anywhere.

No. (GASPS)

We have a bigger problem here.

Where are we going to find a new guitar player

who hands out porn at Christmas?

Man...

When it rains, it pours.

Hey, guys. Hey.

Quite a loss. Yeah.

Hey, don't forget to rub his head for good luck, huh?

That is... That is ridiculous, John!

Suit yourself, but I've done it the last three funerals.

My life's going gangbusters.

(SIGHS)

(ANDY GASPS)

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

He's got my Ernie Banks card!

(SHUSHING) Honey, honey.

He's also got a bucket of chicken and a Juggs magazine.

He's going out like a pharaoh.

They're going to bury him with my Ernie Banks card!

Hey, Jim!

There are people here.

Like the suit?

We had to cut the back out of it so it'd fit him.

Bonnie, I see, uh...

I see he's got the Ernie Banks card with him.

Oh, yeah. I thought he'd like to have it.

Don't you think it would be more appreciated

by a living, breathing Cubs fan?

Hey, wait a minute.

You're a living, breathing Cubs fan.

I bet you Beltzman would love for you to have this.

Don't be vulgar. The body's still warm.

He's probably right.

I thought about it,

but I never really cared for you.

If you all can take your seats,

we're about to begin the service.

(WHISPERING) Jim! Jim.

(WHISPERING) Jim! Go. Get out.

May I escort you to your seat, widow Beltzman?

Oh, thank you,

and don't call me widow Beltzman.

Then can I just call you?

Andy! That's sick.

And Bonnie's the cure.

I appreciate that,

but I've dated my last fellow with a heart attack torso.

We shall see.

We are here today to honor the memory of Eugene Beltzman.

(CHUCKLING) "Eugene." "Eugene."

(SHUSHING)

Husband, musician, scoutmaster...

(WHISPERING) Man, I can't believe it.

I'm sitting here 10 feet away from my Ernie Banks card.

I can hear him calling, "Jim, Jim, save me."

Jim, you've got to let it go.

It is too late.

No, it's not! Yes.

Following the service, you're invited

back to the Beltzman home for a cold cut plate.

(MURMURING EXCITEDLY)

And tomorrow morning,

his ashes will be scattered over Lake Michigan.

Ashes?

No!

No, no. No, there is no...

Time to waste.

(STUTTERING) I need to... I need to speak out

and pay tribute to my dear friend Beltzman.

Uh, Father, no disrespect,

but I think I knew Beltzman

a hell of a lot better than you.

Well, I baptized him and knew him for 45 years.

Fine, fine.

Well, I'll be your opening act.

Take a squat over there, would you, Reverend?

Please.

Well, for those of you who don't know me,

I'm a deeply spiritual man.

BOTH: (COUGHING) Liar!

And I love to lead people in prayer.

So if you'll all bow your heads...

Bow your heads, please.

Close your eyes.

(WHISPERING) Close your eyes!

Good.

My dearly beloved...

By the power vested in me...

I'm going to send Beltzman up to the sky.

I know it's really hard...

Let go, Beltzman!

To let go of Beltzman.

(THUD)

Oh, that son-of-a-gun.

I'm getting a little choked up here,

so maybe, Andy,

you can come up here and help me with the prayer.

Keep your eyes closed.

Eyes closed.

Not you!

(WHISPERING) Help me open this.

(OUT LOUD) You know, now that Beltzman is gone...

I feel like he took a piece of me with him.

A very, very valuable piece.

If I had to put a figure on it,

it'd be about 1,500 bucks!

(WHISPERING) It's not budging. What now?

(WHISPERING) All right, sing something sad

and come over here and give me a boost.

(SINGING SWING LOW, SWEET CHARIOT)

I got it. I got it.

(SINGING)

I got it, I got it!

(SINGING)

Thank you.

Thank you, brother Andy,

for that wonderful song.

Amen.

I think it's important to remember Beltzman

the way he was.

(CHOKING UP)

I can't really go on right now.

This is too much for me.

I think I'm going to go and pray alone now.

God, why?

Why, God?

Keys?

Welcome home, Ernie.

Cheryl, you know what?

Ernie's had a couple of rough days.

I think he's hungry.

Why don't you make him a little sandwich?

And make me one, too.

No!

I don't make sandwiches for grave robbers.

All right, I'll have a bowl of ice cream, then.

Jim, you stole from the dead.

The universe is not going to ignore this.

You are dealing with something very big here. Karma!

Karma? Yes!

You're Miss Karma here, trying to pawn off

a broccoli casserole on a widow!

Oh!

Bad, bad karma.

Come on, Ernie.

You and me are going where you belong.

Back upstairs.

Oh, I don't know, Jim. This is some bad mojo.

Bad mojo.

I'm glad I'm not you right now.

Interesting.

So at some point, you did want to be me.

Oh...

And you can't be.

It just drives you crazy, doesn't it?

(METAL CLANGING)

Cheryl, do you hear that?

(SNIFFS)

I smell cooking.

(METAL CLANGING)

(SIZZLING NOISE)

Fried chicken?

Who's here?

Hello?

Anybody?

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

Hello?

No.

No, there's no Ernie here.

Hello?

Hello?

Weird.

MAN: (WHISPERING) Jim!

Jim!

What the...

All right.

Who's ever here is a dead man!

Too late!

(STUTTERING) Beltzman?

Beltzman!

No!

(SCREAMING)

ALL: April fool's!

(CHEERING)

What?

No, no, no, this is no time for jokes.

There's a dead man in the backyard!

It's a prank, genius.

A prank? Yes!

You killed Beltzman for a prank?

Hey, who wants some haunted chicken?

(SCREAMING)

So this whole thing was a joke?

Yes!

JIM: The death, the funeral,

the god-awful broccoli casserole?

There is nothing wrong with my casserole!

ALL: Eh... Hey!

Cheryl!

Faking a death.

I mean, don't you think that's over the line, even for April fool's?

Are you kidding? After everything you've pulled on us?

Yeah, I told off everyone at work

before I found out my promotion wasn't real.

You sent those fake IRS agents to my house.

I closed all my accounts and moved to Haiti!

I was on the operating table

before I realized you faked my x-rays!

How about that time I woke up next to a goat?

All right, all right,

maybe... Maybe I had it coming.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

I deserved it.

Yes, you did!

Hey, I'm the first one to admit when I've been bested.

Cheryl, you are good.

Oh, thank you.

I doff my hat to you, young lady.

Well, thank you, sir.

JIM: I doff my hat to all of you.

Doff, doff, doff,

doff, doff, doff, doff, doff.

The king of pranks has been dethroned!

Woo!

I would like to thank you all.

You were all brilliant.

Every single one of you. Brilliant.

TONY: Fantastic.

No hitting on my wife next time.

Wasn't that good?

Tony, you almost blew it, man.

I think it was very good, too.

Cheryl? CHERYL: What?

He's egging our cars.

CHERYL: What?

No!

Jim!